
Ravnakd Rush Hall 
First Professor of Indiana Seminary 1824 



THE NEW PURCHASE 

OR, 

SEVEN AND A HALF YEARS 

IN THE 

FAR WEST 



ROBERT CARLTON, Esq. 

(baynard rush hall) 



INDIANA CENTENNIAL EDITION 

B^DITED BY _...^ 

JAMESi^BBRT WOODBURN A. 

PROFES3I0' OF AMERICAN HISTORY \K^ P^ 

IN^»^A u\lVERSITY ^ 

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PRINCETON UNIVERSli^ PRESS 
PRINCETON \^. V 

LONDON: HUMPHREY MILFO^ ^^ 
OXFORD UNIVERSITY PRES$^, 

1916 




Cop^ght me, by 
Princeton^nivkVsity Press 



Publishe*Jpctol*r, 1916 

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INTRODUCTION 

The Princeton University Press offers a worthy contribution 
to the centennial celebration of Indiana's admission to statehood 
by issuing a Centennial Edition of the "New Purchase" by 
Baynard R. Hall. This work has been pronounced "one of 
the best books ever written concerning life in the West." Its 
reproduction will be appreciated by all who are interested in 
western history. It makes available a handsome reprint of a 
volume long since out of print, the original edition being now 
very difificult to find and expensive to buy. This reprint contains 
the original copy without modification or expurgation. There is 
certainly no more valuable book on early Indiana. Judge D. D. 
Banta, himself very thoroughly informed on early Indiana life, 
has called it "the best and truest history of pioneer life and 
pioneer surroundings in Indiana that can anywhere be found. 
Hall evidently entered with zest into the life and scenes about 
him, and he writes graphically of all he sees and hears." It is my 
privilege in this Introduction to speak of the man and his work — 
the man who has realized his youthful ambition to be enrolled 
among the earliest literary pioneers of the romantic west and 
the book which has long since been recognized of such 
acknowledged excellence and historic value. 

In 1818 the United States Government obtained by treaty with 
several tribes of Indians what is known in the history of the 
Middle West as the "New Purchase". In that year Governor 
Jennings, of Indiana, Benjamin Parke, then Federal Judge for the 
District of Indiana, and General Lewis Cass, Territorial Gov- 
ernor of Michigan, acting as a commission of the Federal Gov- 
ernment, met the representatives of the Indian tribes at St. 
Marys. Ohio. The Weas, the Kickpoos, the Pottawattomies 
and the Miamis were there in the persons of their chieftains 
and their spokesmen. The Pale Face Commission succeeded 
in purchasing nearly all the land east and south of the Wabash 



iv INTRODUCTION 

not previously relinquished by the Indians. This new acquisi7 
tion may be described as the tract of land bounded on the north 
and west by the Wabash river, on the south and west by what 
is known as the "ten o'clock line",— a Hne going in the direction 
a shadow would fall at ten o'clock forenoon, running from a 
point in Jackson County, Indiana, to a point on the Wabash in 
X'ermillion county. The eastern line of the Purchase was the 
uneven boundary line of the counties already formed in the 
State in the White Water region. The Delawares agreed to 
take a grant of land west of the Mississippi, and the other tribes, 
all having claims to the ceded territory, agreed to withdraw 
to the north of the Wabash. The Delawares were to have three 
years in which to gather up their property and leave the State. 
"In the fall of 1820 the remnants of this once powerful tribe 
whose ancestors had received Henry Hudson (1610) took up 
their western march, the disheartened train passing through 
Koskaskia about the middle of October."^ 

Thirty-seven new counties were made, in whole or in part, 
from the lands embraced in the New Purchase. As the Indians 
went out the pioneer settlers came in. When the Indian titles 
were extinguished and the new lands were opened to settlement 
the immigrant tide of humanity began to pour in. The Govern- 
ment land was offered at $2.00 an acre. It was lowered to $1.25 
an acre after 1820 which proved to be quite a step for the 
encouragement of western settlement. The preemption system 
had been put into operation in 1801, by which a settler who 
could not pay cash for his land might "preempt" it and pay 
for it by installments after he had settled on it and begUm to 
work it. The homestead policy, instituted later, was even more 
liberal to the home-seeker, but the fact that one could preempt 
good, cheap land and have a chance to own it in fee simple 
brought many enterprising and hopeful men to a region which 
was heralded in the East as an Eldorado of rich and productive 
lands. Some shiftless and worthless "movers" and "squatters" 
came; many came who had not much of worldly goods; and 
some came who had once lived a favored life under Fortune's 
smile but who had lost their all in the contraction and hard 

' Esarey, History of Indiana, p. 229. 



INTRODUCTION y 

times following the war of 1812. Among the latter were the 
Halls and their relatives. (See p. 56). There were others 
like them, cultivated people, some imbued with the missionary 
spirit, some moved by spirit of adventure, and some endowed 
with a fair amount of worldly goods, who, while seeking new 
homes and better fortunes for themselves in a new country, 
were capable and desirous of helping to build the new common- 
wealths for the American Union in the promising west. True, 
most of these western settlers were poor, and most of them 
were ignorant ; but most of them, also, were men and women 
of the fundamental virtues, courage, honesty, hospitality, and 
of self-reliant manly independence. Hall was sensitive to these 
noble qualities, and he was unstinted in his tribute in honor of 
the backwoodsmen, "the open-hearted native-born westerner." 
"Ay, the native Corncracker, Hoosier or Buckeye, and all men 
and women born in a cane-brake and rocked in a sugar trough, — 
all bom to follow a trail and cock an old fashioned lock 
rifle, — all such are open-hearted, fearless, generous, chivalric!" 

(p-369)- 

When Hall came into the midst of this backwoods life, Indiana 
was but a little over four years old. It had a population of 
about 150,000 souls, by far the greater number of these being 
below the Old National Road. The greater part of Hall's life 
in Indiana was to be given to education, and in that noble 
service he was certainly one of the earliest of our pioneers. 
In 1820, two or three years before he came, the Legislature 
at Corydon created what was named in the act as "The Indiana 
Seminary." This in 1828 became the "Indiana College" and 
in 1838 the "Indiana University", by legal title. The Constitu- 
tion of 1816 had decreed that the State should provide, as 
soon as circumstances should permit, "for a general system of 
education ascending in a regular gradation from township 
schools to a State University, wherein tuition should be gratis 
and equally open to all." The act creating the "Seminary" in 
1820 was saved in the State Senate only by the casting vote of 
the Lieutenant Governor Ratlifif Boon and it was signed by the 
first Governor of the State, Jonathan Jennings. Six Trustees 
were appointed and they selected a site for the Seminary, a 



VI INTRODUCTION 

quarter of a mile due south of the little village of Bloomington, 
then but a clearing in the woods only two years old. 

Log cabins, whether of hewed logs or round, could be put 
up in short order by the pioneers of the early days, but it was 
more than three full years before there could be completed the 
two small brick buildings with which the "Seminary" began, — 
one a house for a professor at a cost of $891, the other the 
Seminary building itself, at the elaborate cost of $2400! This 
old State Seminary opened its doors for students in May 1824. 
In the fall of 1823, as the buildings were nearing completion, the 
first professor was elected. This was the author of our book 
and the hero of our story. 

It was altogether likely that it was the prospect of this new 
State Seminary that had influenced Hall to come to the New- 
Purchase. There was an advantage of being at hand when a 
new teacher was needed. Mrs. Hall's mother was living with 
her son, John M. Young, near Gosport. Besides these relatives, 
Hall had another brother-in-law living near Bloomington, and 
serving the various settlements round about as a missionary. 
This was Rev. Isaac Reed, one of the early pioneer Presbyterian 
ministers of Indiana. Dr. Maxwell, one of the founders and a 
devoted friend of the Seminary and the President of its Board 
of Trustees, was also an ardent Presbyterian. Reed recommend- 
ed Hall to Maxwell, and these connections may fairly account for 
Hall's election as the first professor of the Seminary. Presby- 
terian ministers were likely to be educated men even in those 
days and there were not many men in the Indiana woods so 
well educated as to be deemed qualified for a professorship. For 
a Princeton man to be on the ground was, indeed, a decided 
advantage. So when the time came for the opening. Hall was 
here ready to be placed in charge. 

Baynard Rush Hall was born in Philadelphia in 1793. He 
died in Brooklyn, N. Y. in 1863. In his childhood he was left 
an orphan and he had to hew out his own way in the world 
with what assistance could be afiforded him by friends and distant 
relatives. He became a type-setter in his youth and worked 
at the printer's trade. He was one of "the boys of ink and 
long primer," working at the printer's desk, still in his teens. 



INTRODUCTION vii 

when he first heard of Harrison at Tippecanoe. It was then 
his soul "was stirred to phrensy and swelled with burnings and 
longings after fame!" (p. 354). The stories of western battle 
and adventure stirred in his soul, no doubt, a longing to see 
the unknown western land. He made his way through school, 
graduated at Union College and at Princeton Theological Semi- 
nary. He became a Presbyterian clergyman. He followed his 
childhood sweetheart of many years, after years of separation, 
to Danville, Ky., where (p. 320) he was married.- He re- 
turned to Philadelphia where he suffered deep domestic affliction 
in the loss of two of his children in their infancy. He 
then set out with his wife to join some relatives in the New 
Purchase. He had encountered disappointment in the crushing 
,of some of his high hopes and purposes, so he turned to the 
New West as an opportunity for a new life. Weary 
of a prosaic life in the East, he sought a life "of 
poetry and romance amid the rangers of the wood." He found 
poetry here as well as a mission. In his day-dreams he heard 
the call of the wild, and he felt the "resistless" invitation to an 
enchanting land in what was then known as the "Far West." 
He affirms that he came influenced by disinterested motives, fired 
with enthusiasm for advancing solid learning, desirous of seeing 
western institutions rival those of the East, willing to live and 
die in the new country, to sacrifice eastern tastes and prejudices, 
and to become in every proper way a "Western man", — hopes 
and expectations which college jealousies and quarrels were 
destined to cut short before many years. The Halls came, 
lured partly by the spirit of romance and adventure, persuaded 
to exchange "the tasteless and crowded solitude of Philadelphia 
for the entrancing and real loneliness of the wilds, — the prom- 
enade of dead brick for the living carpet of the natural meadow." 
When Hall was chosen to become the Principal of the new 
Indiana Seminary in the fall of 1823, he had been living for 
more than a year on the edge of the New Purchase, with his 

2 "I was married in Danville, Ky., by Rev. Mr. Nelson, brother of 

'Infidelity' Nelson. Perhaps that may sell some books there. Dr. 

Breckenridge is my friend." Hall's letter to his New Albany publisher, 
185s. 



viii INTRODUCTION 

brother-in-law, John M. Young, and other friends, at "Glenville" 
near White River about four miles north of Gosport. In that 
first long winter in the woods he worked at various occupations 
including carpentry and cabinet making. He made a closet for 
his study, two scuttles for the loom, putting in and taking out 
pieces and thus becoming adept in the mysteries of woof and 
warp, of hanks and reels and cuts. He "mended water-sleds, 
hunted turkeys, missed killing two deer for want of a rifle, 
played the flute, practiced the fiddle, and ever so many other 
things and what-nots." But his "grand employment" was 
a review of all his college studies, and he, therefore, claimed 
to be "the very first man since the creation of the world that 
read Greek in the "New Purchase" — a somewhat doubtful claim, 
since other Presbyterian ministers and some Jesuit Fathers had 
set foot in these parts before Hall came. 

It is certain, however, that during this year and! in the 
years immediately following. Hall entered with spirit and sym- 
pathy into all the life of the backwoods. He became a skilled 
marksman with the rifle; he enjoyed the shooting matches; he 
learned the art of rolling logs ; he became a skilled and practiced 
hand at the wood choppings ; he learned the manners of the 
quilting parties ; he became an interested spectator but never 
a participant at the pioneer camp-meetings ; he clerked in a 
country store, ground bark in a tannery, driving "Old Dick" on 
the tread-mill; he preached often, ministering to the sick and 
dying, and with two of his fellow preachers — Isaac Reed and 
George Bush, — he organized the Wabash Presbytery In Reed's 
cabin in the woods, and as a Presbyter he went horse-back on 
long journeys to attend church councils, fording the swamps 
and rivers and following the traces through the forests. Indeed, 
his life in early Indiana gave him a rich story to tell. That 
story is found in the pages of this book. 

One of Hall's forest horse-back journeys took him from 
Bloomington to LaFayette, and some one has said that "for the 
author's fine description of the Tippecanoe battle ground and 
for his poem on the battle of Tippecanoe, Indiana must ever 
owe him gratitude". He stood at Tippecanoe "some twelve 
years after the battle." He had power to express his soul's 



INTRODUCTION ix 

emotions and appreciations. He saw the Battle Ground in 
"its primitive and sacred wilderness, unfenced, unscathed 
by the ax, unshorn by the scythe, unmarked by roads." He 
felt himself standing and walking among the slain warriors. 
Here was reality. No longer was he beholding Tippecanoe as 
he had beheld it in his youthful dreams. "Here mouldering 
are trunks of trees that formed the hasty rampart. Here are 
scars and seams in the trees torn by balls. Ay ! here is the 
narrow circle of skeletons of — let me count again — yes, of four- 
teen war horses! But where are the. riders? Here under this 
beech — see the record in the bark — we stand on the earth over 
the dead, — 'rider, horse, friend and foe in one' red burial blent " 
(p. 355). Such are some of the themes of this volume. 

This young m,an of college culture, of "book lamin," as his 
neighbors would say, lived in this new country almost a decade 
of years, and after he had gone back to his home in the East, 
he wrote this book about what he had seen and heard. He 
called it "The New Purchase, or Seven and a Half Years in 
the Far West," the author appearing under the pseudonym 
Robert Carleton. It deserves to be called an immortal book. 
Dr. Samuel W. Fisher, of Cincinnati, called it that in 1855. It 
will prove to be so, at any rate to Indianians, since among 
Hoosiers this work will be a memorial to the name of its author 
as long as interest in Indiana history lives, and we are entitled 
to believe that that interest will be immortal. This may 
be said, not because of the literary excellence nor because of 
any special human interest attaching to its stories, but because 
it contains the most valuable history of this Hoosier land in 
its early beginnings ; because it relates in graphic and racy 
style personal adventures, western scenes and characters, college 
jealousies and dissensions, the state of popular culture or lack 
of culture, and the social conditions in a large part of this new 
country in its early days. Here are found vivid descriptions 
of the varied aspects of frontier life that Hall witnessed and 
of which he was a part, — the modes of travel, the roads, the 
cabin homes and inns, the settler's hospitality, his food, his 
clothing, the games, the weddings, the barbecues, the rifle- 
matches, the stump speeches, the college exhibitions, the court 



X INTRODUCTION 

trials, the '*shiv-ar-ree", the pigeon shooting. Here is history, — 
not of wars and dynasties and states, but of the life of a people. 

Hall was a lover of nature. Amid the mire and the briars 
of the field, the w-allows and the mudholes in the road, amid 
the pawpaws, the sassafras and the sycamores, he saw not 
only the homely sides of life but he had an eye and a heart 
for the grandeur and beauty of his primeval surroundings, — 
the warbling birds, the bounding deer, the racing squirrels, the 
giant trees, the everlasting shades, the gleaming sun-light by 
day, the clear blue sky at night over the camp-meeting tents like 
a dome radiant with golden stars. In his eyes "no artificial 
dyes could rival the scarlet, the crimson, the orange, the brown, 
of the sylvan dresses, — giant robes and scarfs hung with in- 
describable grandeur and grace over the rough arms and rude 
trunks of the forest." 

Here was a young man, who had eyes to see, with a cultured 
background, with a power to discriminate and to distinguish 
the significant ; and above all, he had the virtue of intent and 
industry (for which Heaven be praised) to write down what 
he saw and understood, to preserve it for us, for posterity and 
for history. For this we shall ever be his debtor. 

The schools and libraries and readers that are cooperating in 
the revival of interest in Indiana history will give a responsive 
welcome to the generosity and enterprise of Hall's University, 
whose Press has made the "New Purchase" again easily available. 

Over sixty years ago, in 1855, a New Albany publisher was 
given unstinted praise for redeeming so deserving a work from 
oblivion by bringing out a second edition. The New Purchase 
was then generally recognized as a book that "ought to find 
its way into every Western domicile, especially into the home- 
steads of Indiana." The book was originally published by the 
Appletons. The first edition of 1000 copies, in two volumes, 
sold chiefly in the East, only few copies finding their way to 
the West. This was, as the author says, "in the middle of 
the cheap literature age when English works were selling for 
a shilling". The Appletons were pleased with the circulation 
of the work and suggested a second edition of 6000 copies; 



INTRODUCTION xi 

but the elder Appleton died while the contract was pending, 
his sons lost sight of it, and in 1855 when the book had been 
nearly twelve years out of print, Mr. John R. Nunemacher, of 
New Albany, Indiana, stimulated by inquiries for the book, 
opened negotiations with the author with a view to bringing 
out a new edition. Professor Hall was then living in Brooklyn, 
N. Y., preaching twice every Sunday and teaching at Park In- 
stitute five hours a day during the week.^ Hall gave a ready ear 
to the proposal to reprint the New Purchase. His friend, Pro- 
fessor Bush, who had been one of the characters of the book 
encouraged the venture and was sanguine of its success, saying 
that "not a copy can be obtained anywhere for love or money" 
and that he "had in vain looked over all the old bookstores for a 
stray copy." Nunemacher, had to search diligently in the West 
before he could find one. 

The author and publisher had sanguine hopes for the success 
of the new edition. There had been many fulsome reviews 
of the first edition and the second one was also favorably re- 
viewed by the press. But it created no excitement in the book 
market. Its sales were disappointing and in July 1856 Hall 
wrote to Nunemacher, "Our book appears to be dead." The 
book however, sold slowly and it continued to sell for half 
a century and now a copy of the second edition is about as 
difficult to obtain as is one of the original edition of 1843. The 
second edition was published in one volume with fanciful illus- 
trations of "Old Dick at the "Tread-mill," the "Young Doctor" 
running through the river to escape from "Hunting Shirt Andy," 
and "Mizraim Ham 'doing' David and Goliath", etc. The 
second edition also omitted about 130 pages, — all the chap- 
ters relating to President Wylie and the college quarrel.* 
These parts of the book had a personal and local color — 
rather yellow — and they attracted attention beyond their merits, 
as if they were the chief features of the book, so much 
so that the Indianapolis Sentinel said of the book when the 
second edition appeared, "the original design of the work was 
principally to hold up to public indignation and ridicule the 

3 His daughter sang in Dr. Cheever's church. 
■* See Note pages 481-511 and accompanying Notes. 



xii INTRODUCTION 

late Rev. Dr. Wylie, President of the University, with whom 
the author had a disagreement which led to his leaving the col- 
lege, and, also, the late Governor Whitcomb, General Lowe, and 
others." 

While Hall's strictures on Whitcomb and Wylie are by no 
means unbiased nor truly historic, and while it may be thought 
best by some to let the account of this unseemly quarrel drop 
from the record and be utterly forgotten, yet the publishers and 
editors of the present edition are convinced that they should allow 
the readers of the New Purchase to have it exactly as it came 
from the press in the original edition of 1843. That edition is 
therefore reprinted, college quarrel, personalities and all, with- 
out change or expurgation. The author in his preface to the 
second edition said that, perhaps, "in time a 'Key' may be 
forged for the Lock." We think that time has come after the 
lapse of nearly a hundred years. The "Key" here offered is 
made up largely from manuscript letters of Hall himself, and 
from a comparison with "Keys" in early copies of the work, 
and from manuscripts of Judge Banta and Dr. James D. Max- 
well. It is believed that the "Key" here presented is as complete 
and as correct as any "Key" extant or as can be made from 
mformation now available. 

There was at first some Indiana resentment at what was 
considered unjust caricature of the early settlers in the "New 
Purchase" but this has long since passed away. Hall claimed that 
he had truthfully described the life that he had seen and of which 
he was a part. The general truthfulness of the book, the integrity 
and sincerity of its author and the great value to history of Hall's 
descriptions and portraitures are now recognized by all and I do 
not hesitate to say that his book will ever remain what Hall richly 
deserved that it should prove to be, an imperishable Indiana 
classic. 

James A. Woodburn. 



KEY TO CHARACTERS AND PLACES 

IN Baynard Rush Hall's 
THE NEW PURCHASE 

Persons 

Allheart, Vulcanus, Austin W. SE\vARD,"One 

of kindest of men," Hall's letter to pub- 
lisher of the 2nd edition. Aug. 14, 1855. 

Baltimore, Lord Bishop, Dr. R. Breckenridge. 

Bloduplex, Dr President Andrew 

Wylie, of Indiana University. 

"Blue Fire," Red Fire or Big Fire, a 

Pottawattomie Indian Chief, p. 223. 

Brown, Mr Mr. Brown, of Ireland. 

Brompton, Squire, Squire Hardin, or Jona- 
than Nichols. 

Brasief, Mr was the man who denied 

the shape of the earth. 

Brushwood, ' Sturgis Huckberry. 

Carlton, Robert, Baynard R. Hall. Hall 

was also Rev. Charles Clarence, and also 
the Mr. Merry who gave the touching 
sermon in Forsters' saw-mill. 

Charilla, Miss Charilla Durkee, of 

Tippecanoe Co. 

Clarence, Rev. Charles, Prof. Baynard R. Hall. 

Crabstick Felix Hight. 

Compton, CoL. Ketchem, 

Cutswell, Insidias, Gov. James Whitcomb. 

In the second edition of the New Pur- 
chase (1855) Hall changed "Insidias" to 
"William," saying that "Poor Whitcomb 
became a religious man before he died." 

Cravings, Lawyer, C P. Hester. 

DoMORE, Peter Batterton. 

Fat Modest Englishman, The Thomas Hewson. 

Finished Young Ladies, The Misses Owen. 

Glenville, Miss Emily, Martha Young. 

xiii 



xiv KEY TO CHARACTERS 

Glenville, John, John M. Young. After- 
wards moved to Jersey City, N. J. Mrs. 
Glenville was buried near the Tannery. 
Mr. Young had a store in Gosport. In 
his store Brasier and Hall talked about 
the earth's shape. There the "yellow 
buttons" were sold. 

George, James Dunn, a favorite 

pupil of Hall's, who re-wrote his compo- 
sition thirty-six times. 

Ham, Rev. Mizraim, Uncle Aaron Wallace 

(colored). 

Harlen, Mr., John Orchard. 

Harwood, Prof., Prof. J. H. Harney, of 

Louisville, Ky., afterwards editor of the 
Louisville Democrat. 

HiLLSBURY, Rev Rev. Isaac Reed, broth- 
er-in-law of the Author. 

Henry Gov. Joseph A. Wright. 

The boy who dug the author's well and 
went after his cow. In the old record 
of the State Seminary is this entry: 
"Ordered that Joseph A. Wright be al- 
lowed for ringing the college bell, mak- 
ing fires, etc., in the college building dur- 
ing the last session of the State Semi- 
nary the sum of sixteen dollars and 
twenty-five cents." 

Jacobus, Brig. Gen'l Gen'l. Jacob Lowe. 

James Jimmy Beverly W. James, 

School Teacher. 

JosEY Jackson the Postmaster, James Allison, P. M. 

at Spencer. 

Kitty, .-^unt, Mrs. Hall's aunt, "lives 

with us, aged 84." (In Brooklyn, 1855.) 

Ketchum, Peggy ("Mrs. Compton") "Mrs Mary Ann Ket- 

CHEM who thought "a piano was as far 
afore a fiddle as a fiddle is afore a 
jusharp." 

Liebug, Mendax, -.•.,..^... .Lee. 

Leatherlung, Eolus, Joseph Berry, Preacher. 

Lobelia Joseph Berry, Preacher. 

Menniwater, Rev., Rev. Mayfield, Cumber- 
land Presbyterian. 



KEY TO CHARACTERS xv 

"Mercator," pp. 13-14 Vol. I, Delany R. Eckles 

(probably). 

Merry, Rev., Prof. Ba ynard R. Hall. 

Novus, The Rev. Remarkable, Rev. I. Strange, or Rev. 

Jas. Armstrong. 
"Nevy," the "Doctor's Nevy" James Maxwell, nephew 

of Dr. David H. Maxwell, who was a 

medical student under Dr. Maxwell. He 

afterwards lived at Grand Gulph, Miss. 
Parsons, Rev., Rev. William Martin, 

Chap. X. 
Paunch, Bishop, John Henderson, "Uncle 

Johny." 
Pillbox, Prof., Dr. Joslin, or Jocelyn, 

of Spencer. 

Rapid, William, James Batterton. 

Redwhite, Mr., John Conner, Indian 

Trader and Agent. 
Robinson, Tom (the chopper) Thomas Robinson, of 

Owen County, Indiana. 
Rowdy School Master, Mr. Mills, who taught 

school south of Woodville, in the 

Ketchem neighborhood, and had himself 

reported as drowned in Lost River, in 

Orange county. 

Sylvan, Dr., Dr. David H. Maxwell. 

Second Fiddler, Albert Littrell. 

Seymour, Uncle John, Uncle John Holmes, he 

died at age of 80, at Hanover, Indiana. 
Smith, Mr Mr. Darrah Mayer, 

Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. 
"Solomon Rapid," Commonly known as Jim 

Batterton or Sage Batterton. 

Sprightly, Rev. Elder, Rev.William Armstrong. 

Seymour, Thomas, Thomas Holmes. 

Scrape, Dan, Col. Sam'l Cravens. 

Strange, Elder, Rev. John Nevens. 

Stanley, Ned, James Borland. 

Shrub, Bishop, Rev. George Bush, of 

Brooklyn, formerly of Indianapolis, then 

became a Swedenborgian minister. 
Thorntree Hamilton Stockwell or 

Leroy Gregory. 
WooLLEY, Ben, Noble Baker. 



xvi KEY TO CHARACTERS 

WiLMER, Col., Gen. John McCalla, of 

Washington City, and of Lexington, Ky. 

"WHACKUM,"^SchooI teacher, Shields. 

Westland, Maj. Billy, William Alexander, 

brother-in-law of Dr. D. H. Maxwell. 

Young Doctor, Paris C. Dunning, who 

splashed across White River to escape 
the Indians w!ho were avenging the dese- 
cration of iChief Redfire's grave, later 
elected Lieut. Gov. and became Governor 
of the States, 1848-49. 

Uncle Tommy, brother of John Holmes, 

(Uncle 'John Seymour'). Uncle Tom- 
my died in Michigan, aged 86. 

Places. 

AsHFORD Settlement Ashbaugh Settlement. 

Big Possum Creek, Big Raccoon. 

Cave, The Truit's Cave, later called 

Mayfield's Cave, six miles west of 
Bloomington. 

Glenville, "two or three miles 

above" Gosport. Mr. Hall in his letters 
to Mr. Nunemacher, his second publish- 
er in New Albany, says the Glenville 
settlement was "in Monroe county about 
three miles from Gosport." In this he 
was in error as the Glenville settlement 
is known to be in Owen county about 
three and a half miles north of Gosport 
on the west side of White river. See 
Note p. 224. 

Guzzleton, Gosport. 

MoxviLLE, Martinsville. 

Nut Creek, Big Walnut. 

Shining River, or "The Shiney," White River. 

Slippery Run, Eel River. 

Spiceburgh, Spencer. 

Sproutsburgh '. Lafayette. 

Sugartown, Crawfordsville. 

Timberopolis, Indianapolis. 

Tippecanoe, Battle Ground. 

Welden Settlement, Payne Settlement, west 

of Gosport. 

WooDviLLE, Bloomington, the site of 

an Indian wigwam village. 



PREFACE. 

Before my friend, Robert Carlton, Esq., left* he handed 
me the MS. of "The New Purchase," with a request to get it 
pubhshed : in which case I promised to write the Preface. The 
best Preface will be, perhaps, a part of our conversation at the 
time : 

" But, Robert, I cannot call the book a History." 

"Why not, Charles?" 

"It contains Fiction." 

"Granted : but is that not the case with other Histories ?" 

"To some extent : yet your Fictions will be taken for Truths, 
and your Truths for Fictions." 

"Maybe so — yet that sometimes happens with other Histories." 

"Well, what shall I say, Robert?" 

"Oh! say what you know is the fact: — that the substratum is 
Truth ; nay, that the Truth is eight parts out of ten, the Fiction 
only two : — ^that the Fiction is mainly in the colouring and shading 
and perspective, in embodying the Genus Abstract in the Indi- 
vidual Concrete; in the aggregation and concentration of events, 
acts, actors, like — let us see — like flowers culled in many places and 
bound in one bouquet: — that the Chronology of the whole and 
the parts is in need of some rectification, and so on," 

"May I not say, however, that places, persons, things, &c. are 
essentially as you found them?" 

"Well, Charles, I do not know that it is important. Let the 

* Took Yankee leave. 

xvii 



xviii PREFACE 

book pass for what it is worth : if taken for History, it will be 
thought I had a somewhat remarkable experience, if for Fiction, 
that I have tolerable Invention ; and then my scull will be in the 
market— for the booksellers in my lifetime,— and the Phrenolo- 
gists afterwards. And yet, on second thought, you may say, that 
had I not told, sometimes, less than the truth, the undiminished 
Truth would have seemed more like Fiction than ever." 

"Robert, may I not alter or suppress" 

"No — Charles — no : — I know your modesty and timidity. But 
let the blame of dragging you forward be on me. As Editor you 
may correct grammar, rhetoric, and so on — but do not meddle 
with the text. If necessary, you may add notes." 

"Well, what shall I call or name the book?" 

"I can give a title — ^but it is as long as your arm : — 'Where- 
abouts? or Seven and a Half Years in a New Purchase of the 
Far West; being a Poetic Dream at Sun Rise, with a Prosaic 
Reflection at Sun Set — a Novel-History, and a Historic-Novel, 
with' " 

"Stop! stop! — Robert, that will never do. Suppose we call it 
simply 'The New Purchase, or Seven and a Half Years in the 
Far West: by Robert Carlton, Esq'?" 

"That will do ; with a Latin sentence or two" 

"The Latin age is past; people read now by intuition; it will 
hurt the sale in warm weather; and, in the winter the days are 
too short to be wasted in puzzling out meanings." 

"Still, Charles, let us have in a little scrap ; for instance — alter 
et idem." 

"Oh ! Robert — yet if you do not care / do not ; it shall go in." 

"And suppose you add, per multas aditmn, &c. ?" 



PREFACE xix 

"That would be honest ; but folks do not want to be got at, 
and you must not put them on guard: if all readers were in- 
genuous, and wished to be profited as well as entertained" 

"Ah! dear Charles, let us hope enough of the proper sort may 
be found to reward a publisher." 

"Yes, dear Robert, but perhaps even such may say, after reading 
the book, they are disappointed and wish to have their money 
back." 

"Oh ! that would be very unpleasant, indeed ! Do you think 
that might happen, Charles ?" 

"I hope not; but what if the honest and ingenuous are 
disappointed ?" 

"Why, that is a thing to be considered — you have taken me 
unawares — let us see — why, really; — and yet, to be honest and 
candid myself, if the good, and the honest, and the frank-hearted, 
all say, after reading and understanding my book, that they are 
very sorry I ever wrote it." 

"You appeal then, dear Robert, to the good, the ingenuous, the 
merry, and even — the religious?" 

"I do." 

"Then to such, if we can find a publisher, you shall go." 

Charles Clarence. 
Sonnvhersburgh, 1843. 



CONTENTS 



JOURNEY. 

CHAPTER I. 

Reasons of some for going West, prosaic; of others, poetic: the latter 
the Author's. . . .Day dreaming. . . .Injurious to Dilworth's spelling- 
book.... how dispelled What was hoped in early manhood 

Prepared I 

CHAPTER II. 

How long once a journey to Pittsburg Antiquated one wheeled car 

....Stage-office, imposition, who could it be? Stages, wore no 

boots. .. .Exercise in Etymology. .. .Mysterious disappearance.... 
Believing spirit. .. .How to fill a stage with tiers.... Mr. Brown 
enters. . . .Dialogue between Foote and Fut. . ..Democrats made. . . . 

Solo talker, and wonderful history iCurious effect of nodding 

....Making up. .. .Interesting scene at washing faces A dis- 
covery Apology 3 

CHAPTER III. 

A horn. . . .What to do with a new bonnet. . . . Space for fut, and other 

articles Introductions. .. .Mr. C, and his reasons for We-ing, 

&c Mr. Smith Mr. Brown, and his ignorance. .. .Col. Wil- 

mar haracter Gen. Winchester .... River Raisin Ad- 
ventures Story interrupted. .. .What Jacob and little Peggy 

could do.... Mr. Brown repairing breach of a battering ram.... 
Wilmar's narrative. . . .Charles Clarence, how, he went to Niagara, 
what he was going to Kentucky after, recommended to ladies. 

Sudden flash Lancaster. .. .Caoutchouc stages Reader 

yawns 9 

CHAPTER IV. 

How to set out Ribbon of fice Slower Growling Why 

ended. . . . Very interesting talk .A.nswers. . . .tConsequences 

Rref reshments Evil spirits Danger of pocket pistols .... 

Effect of music on an extra driver, his ballad. .. .Earthquake. .. . 

Geometrical Twelve and a half cents worth of sleep Sleep 

by the job Sleep off hand Exclamation 15 

CHAPTER V. 

Departure from.... What we have said, though we should not 

Ascent Usual feat Waiting Bonnet in and out Not 

afraid of robbers at a distance Still going up Reflections 

up there Dreams Interruption Descent Peril Cau- 
tion and effect of it How to hold up a stage View over ear- 
tips Look! look! What is it? Data for calculation 

Dreadful fall! Not ready either Wby Described as a 

model 18 

xxi. 



xxii CONTENTS 

CHAPTER VI. 

Greek imitated Col. Wilmar's adventure Mr. Smith's remark, 

and interesting narrative Miss Wilmar begs Clarence to tell 

something His compliance And throat nearly cut Ex- 
clamation Story resumed. Cool bed.... Bad words Clar- 
ence ends by beginning, and is prevented A deer Conse- 
quences Wonderful adventure at night by Mr. and Mrs. C 

Gallant action A long skip owing to the reader's impatience 24 

PITTSBURG. 

CHAPTER VII. 

Iron age and musical hexameters Milton's devils did not load scien- 
tifically Scenes when the wind blows Folly of rash judg- 
ment Beautiful women What takes from adds to 

Coelebs. . . .Tribute to Mr. Smith 35 

VOYAGE 

CHAPTER VIII. 

Spit-fire Ark How built Captain His affection All 

aboard Poetical burst Rude interruption Curious result 

of "the slue.". .. .Farewell! An apostrophe Wilmar's pro- 
position Meeting constituted The chair Brown not 

elected Debate Officers Orders Stores and furniture 

Fixing A tie. . . .Figurative grammar. . . .Dangers Sleep- 
on system Whistling against A fix Expisode during an 

embargo Untying Planter Snag Sawyer Curious 

male Slick feller Pailinurus Beats Sings, and leaps 

Grand flotilla Superior to Romance Old fashioned 

shower Witchery Echo and Muses Indignant lament 

Seventh day Hard spelling "Halloo !" Going over an old 

lesson Liberal proposal to reader Broke up Farewell... 36 

THE SEARCHING 

CHAPTER IX. 

A question no reply ... .First lessons Travelling in Autumn and 

Spring. .. .Why, and how. .. .Instincts of Hoosiers and Corn>- 

crackers, &c First night.... The fan Second night A 

rite-dite ! . . . . Poetry cooling . . A description and inventory .... 
Poetic justice for a ghost. ... Shifting. .. .Talk between a woman' 

and a lady Two things done at once. .. .'Bending according to 

nature. .. .Shorter by position. .. .The "set-up" performed.... 
Half-and-half Answer to Mr. Nice Ditto to Miss Call- 
ing names 49 

CHAPTER X. 

Agrees with the reader .... Whither .... Great peril .... Vengeance .... 
Two sorts of oases. . . .Reception. . . .Why the children were mod- 
est. ... Humanities. .. .Tribute to the Clergy.... No pay taken 
....Episode about 50 cents.... A very novel and useful society 

proposed Contrast between preaching fortunately interrupted 

at Bishop Baltimore's 55 

CHAPTER XI. 

Woodville capital of New Purchase .... A halt .... Strange animals .... 
Dr. Sylvan Doubt about class. .. .Dress and undress. .. .Sweat 



CONTENTS xxiii 

rag. .. .Adroit manipulations. .. .Governor. .. .Leaden casket.... 
Aborigines. .. .Arrows. .. .Grand buildings. .. .Wizard's box — 

how not to get in. . . . Churches. . . . Steeple saints Household 

churches .... Elocution. . . . Scenes .... Inscription .... Anecdotes .... 
"who keeps house?". .. ."Put on the pat,". .. .Taverns. .. .Private 
houses. .. .Dr. Sylvan's. . . .Red fire. .. .Doctor as a hunter.... 
House proper and L . . . . Lamp-lighters .... Expostulation .... Mys- 
terious perforations in a wall. . . ."O fye" retaliated Hydrau- 
lics. . . .Diplomas A regret Hint to Uncle Sam. . . .Hark 6i 

CHAPTER XII. 

Solemn league broken. .. .Generosity. .. .Start again .... First snake 

story. .. .Path to Glenville Legislative road. .. .Stumps. .. . 

Straddling. ... Exercises of taste and fancy. .. .Auxiliaries. .. . 
whither they do not go. . . .iCurious illumination of roads.... 
Corner tree. .. .Enormous Serpent coiled Mr. C. rushes for- 
ward in a phrenzy and seizes it by the tail. ... Screeching. .. .Es- 
capes unhurt. .. .Third snake hit on the tail, but the author does 
not venture to seize. .. .Error detected in a mathematical axiom- 
....Neighbourhood roads — in actuc — in posse ... .Wide bottom — 
Sun caught at last in an out of the way place — ^poetry reviving. . . . 

Apparition of a hamadryad — poetry dying again Difference 

between halloa! and "holler !"... .Elocutional lesson gratis to all 
who buy the book. ... Perspicuous directions to Glenville.... 
Poetry of the whale. .. .Getting into bed a mystery — how Mrs. 
Major Billy Westland did — and our "Jess". .. .Good night 72 

THE FINDING 

CHAPTER XIII. 

What the Brushwoods thought Straight directions. .. .Thrilling 

accident. .. .great snortings. . . .A rational conjecture — an abrupt 
ending. . . . Suburbs. . . .slipping down — uproar — looking out — what 

Mr. C. and his consort tumbled into Dear reader — hugged 

over. . . .Tenderness. . . .Thanksgiving 81 

FIRST YEAR 

CHAPTER XIV. 

In the woods. . . .Reader overcome by entreaties, and introduced to the 
Settlement. .. .Terms expleiined — origin of "absquatulate" and 
cognates. . . .What names a Settlement. . . . Patriarchal cabin — ^Mr. 
Hillsbury's — Tannery — Squatteree of a Leatherstocking. .. .Other 
Settlements. .. .Ranges. .. .'Praises of semi-jwild boars.... S. East 
of Glenville — West — N. East. . . .Timberopolis — seat of two evils 
— Ins and Outs. .. .Map-towns — Snail shell towns Compressi- 
bility of elastic families. . . .History of the Seymours. . . .Mr. Carl- 
ton's courtship. .. .Why here — and wider awake !... .Disagreeable 
visitor — ^what the woman did — what Mr. C. did with the end of a 
tail — fair offer for a box of rosin !... .Enormous expense.... 
Cabin architecture' — Rough — Scotched — Double — ^^Composite, &c. 

&c Way to hang a door, and have it eaten off — 'Gliding to next 

chapter 84 

CHAPTER XV. 

Thrifty housewives — 289 feet. . . . Puncheoned area — grand divisions — 
sub-dividings Adroitness Imaginary lines Potato 



xxiv CONTENTS 

iCarlton's study. .. .Kitchen proper and improper Plunder 

History of a waiter and a cake of sugar Great peril of Mrs. 

Seymour — remarkable escape of something else the old pier- 
glass — what mistaken for — packed away — ^^alas ! 94 

CHAPTER XVI. 

Two arts learned. . . .Grinding and kindred topics Graecian bark 

Curious round thing described Old Dick named — perpetual 

motion, and e pluribus tmum Instrument of torture recom- 
mended for the spread of the gospel New mode of calculat- 
ing the contents of a circular area — another last word — puncheons ! 

Old Dick trots up — his age — apprenticeship, and how stunted, 

&c. &c His practical jokes moral character — how many he 

would carry — ^how steered, &c His idosyncracy Blackboard 

— brass band — Hogarth 99 

CHAPTER XVII. 

A secret whispered Making believe Scene on meeting a curious 

person^ — his incredulity and surprise. .. .How skill is acquired 

Squirrel killed by concussion Why Western folks use rifles — 

what was done at the Tannery. .. .Captivating offer to the reader 
....The author refuses "to bore" with a rifle. .. .Sequel contains 
the story of something in behalf of the Temperance Society, 
which commenced will be read through by all cold watermen and 
members of the Peace Society Gathering quadrupeds 105 

CHAPTER XVIII. 

Meetings — little and big Riding twice Dick's cargo — advantage 

of heavy loads How "critturs" are hung — and how they dance 

Advertisements Mistakes of some missionaries 

Character of missionaries — 'hardships — zeal — poverty, &c "Half 

a loaf" — applied ecclesiastically. .. .Salaries — Paul — Luke.... 

Cruel logic. .. .Recommendation to some at ease in Zion 

Something very wet Apropos! of buckskin breeches Inci- 
dents — Glenville's — Leatherstocking's — Peggy's panthers — Mission- 
ary's bears Cries Danger and escape 117 

CHAPTER XIX. 

A Bishop's whisper The salam Talk about " 'mense heap of 

woods, &c.". .. .Breaking ice — freezing and thawing. .. .Copy of 
remarkable writing. .. .Giving the "invite". .. .Episode about a 
bride elect and her friends — Mr. Ashmore and his "idees" — dia- 
logues about the earth — the sun — two pennies Susan rose of 

wilderness — 'lovers Day arrives — Glenville folks, in several di- 
visions, march.... Old Dick and a hurricane — defence of his non- 
sense iPlace reached — a change — dead calm — a descent Mrs. 

Ashford at the foot of a ladder — what was seen — how to hook a 
■women Solemnization Terror — with an appendix Put- 
ting out and chasing. .. .Noon — and ferment Holiday in a 

clearing Old Dick can't stand it any longer What happened 

to three chaps on his back Story telling — "tarrifying a ba'r" 

—"gobbling a turkey," — snake affair — ^Uncle Tommy's long story 

Dinner — "eating twice" Inversion of matrimonial chord — a 

short prayer Amazing pot pie! Fried leather! — other deli- 
cacies Natural curiosity Hint taken Volunteers. ... Pulling 

up and stopping a frolic 130 



CONTENTS XXV 

CHAPTER XX. 

Occupation — merry time — treadles versus pedals closet — shuttle — 

Flute and Fiddle — Greek and Latin — "Tyture tu pat". .. .Hebrew 
....Evenings and crackings. .. .Family lamp. .. .Axe-craft — Tom 
Robinson. .. .Fire making — back log — .puffs and jumping back — 
hipping a log — ^puncheons wriggling Fire — bursting out — com- 
bustion not supported by a bladder of gas. . . .A tong. . . .Bah!. . . . 
Hurraw-aw 157 

CHAPTER XXI. 

Monotony interrupted by a cow .... Story of the skins .... A deer hunt, 
in which are introduced two, and the theory of opinion and in- 
stincts. .. .Uncle Tommy's cabin, inside, outside and all around, 

and the way to get water. .. .Sabbaths. .. .Neighbour Sturgis 

answer to a crack question. .. .Description — a pulpit, and how to 
handle it. . . .ins'piration, suckspiration and expiration. .. .Awful 
storm, effect on two bounds. . . .Logic, cause and effect. . . .Advan- 
tage to a preacher of the modern chemical nomenclature.... 
Happy escape 165 

SECOND YEAR 

CHAPTER XXII. 

Campaign. . . .candidates. . . .Grounds of electioneering. . . .Consequen- 
ces of laughing in meeting. . . . Defences of laughing Certificates 

....Poor Philip's logic spouted .... Price of Liberty Pure 

Democracy — what boys do Stump speeches, action in oratoy 

....Isam Greenbriar's cart.... Sam Dreadnought's wagon.... 
Munificence and meanness of some candidates. ... Nobleness of 
others. .. .Political baptism no dry joke.... A history called for, 
and treated in next three chapters 175 

CHAPTER XXIII. 

Sameness of age. . . .Born and educated. . . . Difference between Quaker 
school and quackery one. . . .Duff Green. . . .How to see the World 

....Party 50 miles beyond white settlement Visit returned, a 

rich breakfast, and a reflection like Uncle Tommy's. .. .De gusti- 
bus non ? . . . . Encountered ; scene between a little and a big man 
A pet dream; savage propensities. .. .Peril in Missouri; moral 
courage — affection of a hunter for a rifle — anxiety. .. .tenderness 
... .heroism. .. .escape. .. .Rifle lost. .. .Squatter's hut Hospi- 
tality 181 

CHAPTER XXIV. 

Rendezvous .... Bee tree .... Roundabout-abilitudiness ! . . . . English 
tourists Biggest tree in the world !... .Bees again.... How to get 
fruit contrary to a proverb. .. .How a mighty heart was broken 

What the sun saw after a Millenium! Honour — sublimity 

and littleness 190 

CHAPTER XXV. 

Return home. ... Produce Medical recipe. .. .Out of frying pan 

Episode — what's in our dark forests.. "18 injins — 15 wites 

&c.". .. .Interlude — a farce between tragedies — encouraging to 
humble Democrats. . . . A stock vanishing. . . .a robber — a lynching, 
commended to canting infidels and puling moralists .... Prepar- 



xxvi CONTENTS 

ing for peril — incident on the way — robbers' retreat — a scene, 
in which is shown the efficacy of powder and ball — editors that 
recommend firing on mcbs and abolishing capital punishments 

"Well! we might have had better luck!" — and "Well what 

next ?" 193 

CHAPTER XXVI. 

Hardness of a politician's way Directions about eating — brimstone 

— and so forth Hints to Tract Societies Benefit of young 

ilawyers consulted Rabblerousing intentions of Mr. C Nig- 

gering — off Copy book sentence illustrated Martyrdom 

How to make candidates work to some useful end Our first 

speech, and whence none before was, and never can be again ! 

political balance, recommended to Fence people Gratitude for 

favours not received Tempest of Fire! 200 

CHAPTER XXVII. 

Courteous dialogue. .Post-office — famished mail — diluted news 

Mutual indifference. .. .Going to office — alarm — ^wheel-about — 
wonderment — and wonderful downfall ! . . . . Dissertation on thing- 

amies Spiceburg — catching a post-master Dialogues 

Uncle Sam's Cabinet — a search there — what was buried alive 
resuscitated defence of buyers — and how to circulate a wood- 
chopper Dialogue between Sam and Mr. Johnson. .. .How to 

spend a fip....How to do justice by gulHng a man.... Sam and 
Mr. C. start for home — melancholy interruption — and how Sam 
used irreverent words. .. .Gratitude, with an offer to row a man 
up a certain creek. .. .Mistake in "katter-korner'd like." 208 

CHAPTER XXVIII. 

The grave Surprised there by the Indians Story about Red 

Fire and two young doctors. .. .Hunting-shirt Andy .... Remark- 
able interruption of the story .... Andy's request — puts off — iper- 
forms several parts Doubtful gender 221 

CHAPTER XXIX. 

Miscalculation. .. .Disappointed. .. .Dick scampers off and brings back 
a wonderful little man and another horse.... No. 6 and No. i 

Modus loquendi .... Effect of an "acquotical solution." .... 

Terror occasioned by "dental surgery and principal molares." 
Infallible inferences from external symptoms. .. .Blameable 
negligence of Mr. C. in not "exhibiting.". .. .Amazing power of 
a Republican Legislature Journal of the House 229 

CHAPTER XXX. 

A court constituted. .. .Difference between "Mister" and "Brother." 

Brother Hillsbury — his labours and perils Bishop Shrub 

of Timberopolis. . . .Mr. Merry. .. .Decrees. .. .Expedition. .. . 
Coming to a mill — Solitude sweetened, but not with sugar.... 

"Come, let's have that preaching," &c Mr. Merry prepares 

The saint end of a log.... What scratches next to a large 

saw — and what deserves it.... Mr. M. begins and quits, and be- 
gins again Sudden shot — with its consequences Deserted 

Indian town Preaching at Mr. Redwhite's — ^his history — his 

wife's, with massacre at Wyoming. . . .'Supper 234 



CONTENTS xxvii 

CHAPTER X^XXI. 

Sets out alone.. A family in bed in the day time Thanks to the 

reader. .. .The author seized — at first laughs — exposes hypocrisy 

— is visited again by Monsheer Tonson Serious — yet tells an 

ancedote of Dr. Sylvan in kicking an enemy off ... .Delirious. .. . 

Jet black mammoth !... .A frail canoe! A visit — bold practice 

— curious paper — how to say "oohh !" Advice. .. .The author 

receives an appointment from Legislature — writes to Charles 
Clarence .... Three ends 249 

THIRD YEAR 

CHAPTER XXXII. 

Sad event A character. .. .An angel of beauty.... A funeral 255 

CHAPTER XXXIII. 

Changes Speculations Separation Imitation of Dr. Pillbox . . . 

Surprise of Hoosierina. . . . Ah ! come now. .. .Parting with an 

old friend. .. .Indignant flourish Melancholy ending Relief 

for the reader. .. .Sixteen reasons for an advertisement. .. .First 
Piano ever "heern tell of "....Notes of invitation to soirees.... 
"Them' are little jumpers !". . . .Man of the Woods with a soul. . . . 
A respectable lady. . . . "Encore !". . . .A profitable study for certain 
religious people. . . . Study for young gentlemen about to marry. . . . 
A concentrated Moral 257 

CHAPTER XXXIV. 

The reader will remember something. .. .Mr. C, a Trustee and Com- 
mitteeman. .. .Surprise. .. .Kind offer to find a chair and fill 
it. .. .Charles Clarence. .. .Competition. .. .Mr. Jimmey. .. .Dia- 
logues on "cream" — on Algebra. .. .Offer to black shoes to hoot, 

and cherry bitters. .. .Mr. Rapid Dialogue on learning three 

or four of the dead languages. .. .Meeting of the Board.... 
Disappointment .... "Darnations." 264 

CHAPTER XXXV. 

Visitation. .. .Sacred Phrenology and Mesmerism. .. .Bulls of Bashan 

and bronchitis Amazing effects of a very simple machine.... 

Difference between Barton Stone and Peter Stone. .. .Persever- 
ance. .. .Power of pressure in conversion. ... Pomelling better 
than switching. . . .Importance of accuracy in names. . . .Fanaticism 
always fatal to morals. .. .Lawyer Insidias Cutsv^'ell — appearance 
in full dress. ,. .pinch of snuff performed. ... Bishop's prayer 
against catgut .... A venture 270 

CHAPTER XXXVI. 

Allheart — a master — a "Lyon" — and recommended to all Blacksmiths, 
learned and unlearned. . . .His skill in rifle making. . . .Mr. C takes 

fire and challenges Returns to Vulcanus — what his "left eye 

ketch'd a glimpse of" once Curious experiment in optics.... 

An offer A rule of grammar A musical blacksmith 

Paganini Handling fingers in flute-playing. .. .A .painter.... 

Rare art Worth the price of the book to portrait-painters 

A chef d'ceuvre American goddess Mr. C. regrets not hav- 
ing studied composition ditswell's speech on the "hoss-block!" 

.... Woodville House 277 



xxviii CONTENTS 

CHAPTER XXXVII. 

Flying visit Fording. .. .Evil report confirmed Dear old politi- 
cal friends absquatulated .... Desolation Farewells .... Bishop 

Shrub, Uncle John and Mr. C. set out First glimpse of the 

prairie world Stopping to hold meeting getting into an 

odd scrape. .. .Wanting to, and not daring Mr. C. laughs, 

whether the reader does or not Led by an abrupt question 

inta a very undignified ending 286 

CHAPTER XXXVIII. 

Vincennes. .. .Light and darkness. .. .Puritanical views dangerous to 

the religion of the ot TroXXot Baleful effects of reading history 

forbidden by Mother Mystery Meeting of Suckers, Pukes, and 

other natives House of Bishops Dialogue on Swearing.... 

Grave of a Soldier 292 

CHAPTER XXXIX. 

Going to Ilinois with a Mister Patriarchal Sucker. .. .Arabian 

Nights. ... Preface to an odd talk, during which Uncle John 

shuffles out His unchristian revenge for the razor business. . . . 

Solemn league of offence and defence Attack on the enemy — 

how we conquered, and beat ourselves A sin to be scourged 

Homeward trail 297 

CHAPTER XL. 

Razorville Aboriginal Egyptian or Greek colony met with.... 

A non-descript pony described The way to drive one 

What's better than to live in clover. .. .Starting. .. .The way to 

follow two trails at once Led into it advantage of equal 

reasons Echo to the sense Getting further in Advantage 

of the precise sort of Phrenology Bursting through to an 

adventure Temptation resisted Escape from danger. .. .Old 

man Staffords. .. .Getting into and out of it Prairie late at 

night Lone Woman. . . .How two beds were "tuk up.". . . .Dis- 
agreement between Uncle John and Mr. C Dialogue in two 

places at once Mr. iC. begs for information in fashionable 

grammar Four meals devoured at once among the stars 

Snug 3or 

CHAPTER XLI. 

Change. .. .Christmas — joy in the morning — a messenger at night 

Woman as she was and should be A nobleman Homer's 

heroes imitated in spite of modern critics 314 

FOURTH YEAR 

CHAPTER XLI I. 

Augustan age of the Purchase New actor Chastisement 

Character Uncle Sam Big and Little recalled to memory, 

with a piece of Mr. Carlton's mind An opening in 1800, and 

so forth Master arrives Sprinkle of boy Speech — ^nat- 
urally interrupted — resumed Fixing Growlings Liberty 

and equality Compliments Dialogue on "trousers," and con- 
sequence different from the reader's fears A Yankee trick 

Getting used to it 319 



CONTENTS xxix 

CHAPTER XLIII. 

A favourite doctrine badly understood from theory. .. .Paper models 
....The People — universal — general — special — peculiar, &c. &c. 
....What the special people did for the general people, and what 
the particular people said and did about it.... The people's people 
advance.... A Grand Dignity with eight tails !... .Board in ses- 
sion — his Rowdy Royalty's speech. .. .Dr. Sylvan's compound.... 
Why the Conscript Fathers do bullyism naturally and grace- 
fully. .. .History struts in new moccasins or buskins, and ends 
in a hell-a-blow ! 327 

CHAPTER XLIV. 

"What now?". .. .Girls. .. .Eleven persons — ten and a half horses.... 

Contrast Ready — mounted — off ! Screechings ! — flappings 

Slower — talking — eating Slippery river "Girls! and all!" — 

yes Dr. Hexagon. .. .Hey ! Crossing — forgetting the legs 

Chattering "Where's pony?'' Passage of Nut creek 

in a new line — dizzy. .. .Neptune. .. .Crocket. .. .Preparing to 
digress 334 

CHAPTER XLV. 

Big possum. .. ."Do you want to see, &c, &c. ?". . . .Whip ! — start! — 
go-o ...."Well done, &c.". .. .Amazing effect of praise.... A true 
Indian trace. .. .Course by sunshine, yet not by the sun Sub- 
limity. .. ."Ay ! ay! go on !".... A new road, and new grammars, 
&c The dry world All safe 344 

CHAPTER XLVI. 

Fresh start.... One young lady.... A number of things told, but not 
narrated .... Romantic curtain . . . . Whaf" dispelled, and yet formed 
part of a dream. .. .Robert Dale Owen and diagrams. .. .Path to 

Tippecanoe !... .Picturesque Sproutsburg and Indian. .. .Blind 

path. .. .Getting out the right side of a slough Funeral tree! 

First glimpse of the field How the author forgets him- 
self, and turns out only a common man. . . .Where the dead?. . . . 

What is this? with the squatter's tale Tippecanoe descirbed 

Squatter's story of the sentinel. .. .The departed President.... 
"Joe Davis," an old story revived — how he died !... .Farewell to 
....Poetry up to fever heat at last, and breaks out in a battle... 348 

CHAPTER XLVII. 

Return to the Doctor's Setting out for home Detail before a 

skip, 100 yards wide and more. .. .plausibility circumnaviga- 
tion .... Skip performed unexpectedly. . . . Remarkable coincidence 
in opinion of Aunt Kitty with the reader 362 

CHAPTER XLVIII. 

Doubts dissipated Dialogue about "bonnit." Character of Mr. 

Carlton resolves to imitate the Vicar Camp-meeting 

some prosaic poetry. .. .reasoning and inferences. .. .Amount of 
spiritual labour Master spirits Sprightly .... Novus anec- 
dotes and sermons, which the reader may skip if he can, and 

go on to the prayer on "moonshine" Mizraim Ham and his 

mellow-drama Venerable old warrior, and the way to fire 

at the Devil Mr. Carlton almost knocked down himself! 



XXX CONTENTS 

Terrific fight between two, and the way one made the Devil let 
go a grip.... The author goes away unconverted himself, but 
gives a favourable testimony to the ellicacy of camp-meetings.... 364 

CHAPTER XLL\. 

Love and matrimony !... .His "galling" expeditions. .. .How he was 

once caught in a trap Miss Brown. .. .Dialogue between 

Carlton and Glenville — a double compound plot.. . .Letter to Miss 
Smythe — letter to Miss Brown's papa "What luck?". , . . Catas- 
trophe properly deferred by a Composition on Hunting. . . . 

Letter — and something else "I told you so" A difficulty and 

a promise 390 

FIFTH YEAR. 

CHAPTER L. 

Clarence versus the Commonwealth A march and other patent 

things. . . .Fortunate times! Letter from Clarence to the author 

— recommended to trustees of levelling schools. .. .Reminiscences 

of Clarence's Lectures Foreign. .. .Amazing utility of colleges 

and churches !... .Take care, pedagogue! A star in the ascendant 
. . . .mistake in the nature of the Vox. . . .Squally. . . .Tom-cat. . . . 

Haw-Buck Carlton's head-quarters — why Condensation and 

filtration of talks and dialogues Ned Stanley introduced in a 

"bust," w 397 

CHAPTER LI. 

Arrival of the Major Danger to the State Castle-building in- 
terrupted. .. .A monster seen .... Large crescit eundo....A 
procession through a 01 ttoXKol .... Dead-calm — speech. . . .Trial in- 
terrupted by a "hurraw!" Major disconcerted A proposal — 

followed by "fciu/^'-ings. .. .Clarence makes a god speak — thunder 
on the proper quarter. .. .Mr. Liebug....A question and answer 

...."Huh! haw," Talk, between Ned and Carlton. .. .Ned in 

parlour Consequence of administering patent twaddle in edu- 
cating Mr. Brass, Sen., and Prof. Harwood — how settled 

Quietude 406 

CHAPTER LII. 

Exhibition Mr. C. busy Fixings .... Loss on shoes .... Signals 

. . . .Orchestral. . . .Blaze Exclamations !. . . .Cow-bell shaken — 

inaudible fiddles Primo .... Secundo .... Triangle .... Speech 

interrupted — exhibition goes on. .. .Contrast in seven particulars 
between young men and young gentlemen, with threat of farther 

infliction Two young men Fixed and wandering stars 

A heavy bet on one side 415 

CHAPTER LIII. 

How to spend a vacation in the Purchase An abstract embodied 

and seen marching by the author !... .Grand party to explore a 

cave — invitations — ready — starting — dignity let down Solemn 

advice to persons, made up nicely by milliners and other artists 

Things growing bigger, and why. . . .Mrs. Hunter's directions 

Found Domore's report Refusals .... Why Polly 

■wouldn't, although Peggy would Backing one another before 

the rest What was not seen Squall prevented. .. ."Hark! 



CONTENTS xxxi 

what's that?". .. .Going down deeper, and coming back quicker 

Retreat Domore's policy — his apology What came 

down — quick writing What retarded civilization a whole year. 428 

CHAPTER LIV. 

Learning to spell 44i 

CHAPTER LV. 

Married at last Incipient refinement — consequences. . . .Grand affair 

determined on — why — how — effect The time — room — company 

— 'misgivings "Shiver-ree" Inside versus Outside Per- 
formers — human, inhuman, and superhuman. ... Something 
squealy in a parlor True hog superior to all others Piggy- 
back. .. .Scalp taken. .. .Danger — "knock 'em down !"... .Rescue 
....Difference between Hoosier-mobs and scum-mobs Orpheus 442 

SIXTH YE.AjR 

CHAPTER LVI. 

How to oversee. . . .White crow. . . .A committee A party. . . .Curi- 
ous cloud — sneer away ! Horseback Churches Council 

of Nice Another party The Great-North-American-Re- 
publican-Horsefly ! Mrs. Trollope wanted Scene — sticking 

on — sticking to it — wading out.... Alone Dreams Set over 

....Wilderness Dialogues with Kate Mrs. King Some- 
thing nice to eat Off again Lost-like Praise 45i 

CHAPTER LVI I. 

A petition What Ned and Domore did. . . .Insidias Cutswell, Esq., 

ad hoosierandum 463 

CHAPTER LVIII. 

Wild pigeons Ned's opinion of shot-guns They make their own 

shot Accidents. . . . Alarm and excitement A question evaded 

A bag and string Puzzled Enlightened Belittled 

Dialogues, and execration of shot-guns. .. .Melancholy 466 

CHAPTER LIX 

The King of Terror The dying one The two coffins Funeral 

train .... Reader ! 475 

SEVENTH YEAR. 

CHAPTER LX. 

Something new and prodigious ! Mystic letters — ^branding Hard 

riding — blotted — puffs !r-( nervous) — a conversation Suspi- 
cious Resolved on a believing spirit Leaky Faces and 

consciences Cow-bells — crotch of a tree — cows and procession 

Episodial about biggest college Lights — omens Dreams 

not accounted for 477 

CHAPTER LXI. 

Particular introduction. .. .History and character .Stpry about a 

donkey How to roll up and down at once Fiction acknowl- 
edged 486 



xxxii CONTENTS 

CHAPTER LXII. 

Mystery defended Conjectures How to use professors 

What Professor Spunk would have done (Note) A letter 

Several dialogues and two or three scenes A resignation.... 

Refreshments in the next chapter 488 

CHAPTER LXIII. 

The Guzzleton barbecue Preface. . . . Description — plateau — table 

. . . .seats — arcade — kitchen — curious iron — artillery — ^processions — 
flags — music — "the set-up" performed. .. .Uses of a barbecue, and 

talks about cost Domore and others clenching rifles A deep 

sigh 496 

CHAPTER LXIV. 

Verification Preface to thrilling scenes "Hark — the bell" 

The celebrated Saturday's show Court of appeals and repeals 

....Speeches, talks, and interruptions Something excessively 

tender and touching Terror — knife drawn — assassination — 

wrath — big words — voting — dividing and taking sides Grand 

Jury Ecclesiastical Court Body Guard 502 

CONCLUDING SIX MONTHS 

CHAPTER LXV. 

Ha! I see! I see! Reader calls out three times Mr. C. comes 

back.... Firm of Glenville & Carlton. .. .Some very deep water 
....Literary topics resumed. .. .Board met. .. .Deeply interest- 
ing A long speech that did nothing, and a short one that did 

all things Polyphemus and his two meals. .. .Curtain falls.... 511 

CHAPTER LXVI. 

Farewells. .. .A church full A house empty.... A rainy morning 

....Domore and Ned ***** Pinnacle of a mountain.... 

Soliloquy * * * a lesson 519 




Map of New Purchase i8i8 



THE NEW PURCHASE. 



CHAPTER I. 
The Journey. 

"Westward, ho !" 

The ordinary causes of seeking new homes in the West are 
well known. There, it is sometimes expected, a broken fortune 
may be repaired, or one here too narrow, become, by change of 
circumstances, ample enough for a growing family, or a larger 
ambition. Indolence leads some thither, a distaste of conventional 
trammels others ; while not a few hope to find a theatre, where 
small talents and learning may figure to better advantage. 

But some are led away to the West by poetical inducements. 
To persons of tender sensibilities and ardent enthusiasm, that is 
a land of beautiful visions; and its gorgeous clouds, like drapery 
around the golden sunsets, are a curtain veiling other and more 
distant glories. Such persons are not insensible to worldly ad- 
vantages, yet they abandon not the East from the love of gain. 
They are rather evoked and charmed away by a potent, if an 
imaginary spirit, resident in that world of hoary wilds. From 
the prairie spreading its grassy and flowery plains to meet the dim 
horizon, from the river rolling a flood across half a continent, from 
the forest dark and venerable with the growth of many cen- 
turies, come, with every passing cloud and wind, the words 
of resistless invitation; till the enchanted, concealing the true 
causes, or pretending others, depart for the West. They are 
weary of a prosaic life; they go to find a poetic one. 

To much of this day-dreaming spirit is the world indebted for 
the author's sojourn of seven and a half years in a part of what 
was, at the time of this journey, the Far West. In early boyhood. 



2 THE JOURNEY 

Mr. Carlton was no ordinary dreamer : nay, in the sunshine, as by 
moonHght, shadows of branching antlers and flint-headed arrows 
caused many a darkness in his path, as visionary deer bounded 
away before the visionary hunter. At school a boy of kindred 
soul occupied the adjacent seat; and this boy's father had left 
him, as was then believed, countless acres of rough mountains 
and woods undesecrated by civilized feet. How far away this 
sylvan territory may have been, was never asked, but it was near 
enough and easy of access to day-dreamers ; for we had actually 
devised a plan to steal off secretly at some favourable moment and 
find a joyous life in that forest elysium. Before the external eye 
lay, indeed, Dilworth, his columns of spelling in dreadful array of 
single, double, and treble files, surrounded by dog-ears curling up 
from the four corners of the dirt-stained page ; but the inner eye 
saw them not. And if our lips moved, it was not to call over the 
names of the detested words, -no, it was in mysterious' whispers: — 
we were wrapt in a vision, and talked of bark huts and bows and 
arrows — ay, we were setting dead-falls and snares, and arranging 
the most feasible plans for the woods and the mountains. 

Such talks would, indeed, begin, and for a while, continue so 
like the inarticulate buzz and hum of an old-fashioned school-boy 
"getting by heart," as to awaken no suspicion in Master Strap. 
As enthusiasm, however, kindled, tones became better defined 
and words more and more articulate. Then ensued, first a very 
ominous and death-like stillness in all parts of the school-room 
except ours, and then — the sudden touch of a wand came that 
broke a deep spell, and alas ! alas ! awoke us to our spelling ! Poor 
children ! we cried then for pain and disappointment ! The hour 
came when we shed more bitter tears at sorer disappointments, 
and in a severer school! Even as I write there is a thrill of 
boyhood in my soul, and in despite of philosophy tears are 
trembling in my eyes ; — as if the man wept for the crushed hopes 
of the boy! 

Experience may curb our yearning towards the earth, yet even 
amidst the longings after immortality and the things that eye hath 
not seen, there do remain hungerings and thirstings after a possi- 
ble and more perfect mundane state. At the dawn, therefore, of 
manhood Mr. Carlton still hoped to meet in the Far West visions 



THE JOURNEY 3 

embodied although pictured now in softer lights and graver 
colours. Shortly, then, after our marriage in the first quarter of 
the present century, after the honey-moon, indeed, but still within 
the "love and cottage" period, Mrs. Carlton was persuaded to 
exchange the tasteless and crowded solitude of Philadelphia for 
the entrancing and real loneliness of the wilds, and the promenade 
of dead brick for the living carpet of the natural meadow. 

Having no immoveables, and our moveables being easily trans- 
muted into baggage, preparation was speedily made ; and then 
hands were grasped and cheeks kissed, alas ! for a long adieu : — 
for when we returned with sober views and chastened spirits, 
these, our first and best loved friends, were sought, but "they 
were not." 



CHAPTER H. 

"Who goes there? A friend." 

From Philadelphia to Pittsburgh was formerly a journey of 
days. Hence, to avoid travelling on the Sabbath it was arranged 
by us to set out at three o'clock a. m., on Monday. A porter, 
however, of the stage-office aroused us at one o'clock ; when, 
hurrying on our garments, we were speedily following our baggage 
trundled by the man, in that most capacious of one-wheeled car- 
riages — an antiquated wheel-barrow. 

Arrived at the office, then kept by the Tomlinsons, the agent 
affected to consider me and my wife as only one person, and 
hence while I paid for two seats, he forced me to pay for all 
my wife's baggage as extra ; — an imposition only submitted to, 
because in running my eye over the names booked as passengers, 
while the vexatious record of the baggage was making, travelling 
associates were seen written there who were too delightful to be 
lost for a trifle. These names were Colonel Wilmar of Kentucky 
and his cousin. Miss Wilmar, of Philadelphia. In addition were 
three strange names booked for Pittsburgh, a Mr. Smith and a 
Mr. Brown, and also a name hardly legible, but which, if I had 



4 THE JOURNEY 

decyphered correctly, seemed very like Clarence — strange, indeed, 
and yet familiar; — surely it had been known to me once — Clar- 
ence ? — who could it be ? 

None of these persons had yet reached the office (the stage, 
however, being ready and waiting only their arrival), and when 
they did come, owing to the dim light of the room and the bustle 
of an immediate movement towards the stage, countenances could 
not be distinguished ; and even the Wilmars could not have been 
recognised without the premonition of the way-bill. 

The stages of that day wore no boots. In place of that leathern 
convenience, was a cross-barred ornament projecting in the rear 
to receive the baggage or at least half of it. This receptacle was 
called the "Rack." Perhaps from its wonderful adaptation for 
the utter demolition of what it received, it was originally named 
"Wrack;" and this word, in passing through the ordeal of vulgar 
pronunciation, where it was called first "Wreck," having lost its 
"W," remained what indeed it sio much resembled — the Rack. 
In binding Mrs. Carlton's trunk to this curious engine, the porter 
broke the rope, and her trunk falling down, the articles within, in 
spite of an old lock and a rotten strap, burst from their confine- 
ment and were scattered over the street. The porter was very 
prompt in his aid in gathering the articles and securing the lid, 
and as some compensation for his blunder and its consequences, he 
refused the usual fee of the wheel-barrow service. Of course he 
received now thanks for generosity instead of rebukes for negli- 
gence : but on inspecting afterwards our trunk, the absence of a 
purse containing seven dollars and of a silver cup worth twice as 
much, awakened suspicions of less honourable cause for the 
porter's conduct. 

Here then were, at the outset, extortion and theft, and felt, 
too, as evils; but there was present a believing spirit mingling 
sweetness with the wormwood. Ay ! were we not actually on our 
way to the land of vision ! Surely no such baseness is there ! The 
sanctity of that Far West is inviolate ! 

Inside, our stage was most judiciously filled with three tiers. 
The lower tier was composed of saddle-bags, valises, small trunks 
and carpet-bags; the second, of human beings supported upright 
by an equal squeeze on all sides ; and then, on the condensed laps 



THE JOURNEY 5 

of the living tier, rested the third tier, made up of extra cloaks, 
some band-boxes and work-baskets, several spare hats in paste- 
board cases, half a dozen canes and umbrellas, and one fow^ling- 
piece done up in green baize. Notwithstanding the great felicity 
of this arrangement, the inquietude of the upper and lower tiers 
when the stage first started, occasioned in the sentient tier some 
inarticulate growling and a little half-smothered cursing; which 
crusty symptoms, however, presently yielded to a good-natured 
laugh at the perseverance with which Mr. Brown remained on a 
French gentleman's foot, through a misapprehension of a very 
polite and indirect request not to stand there — a laugh in which 
the parties themselves joined. 

Our driver had, at the office, seated between two way-passengers 
with the curtain behind them dropped, given the signal, when 
away dashed the horses ; and then commenced the incon- 
siderate restlessness of the internal baggage and the ill-concealed 
surliness of the passengers. But at the end of a few squares the 
stage suddenly stopped at a hotel, when the door of the vehicle 
being instantly opened, the space was filled with the head and 
shoulders of Mr. Brown, who began as follows: — 

"Ladies and gentlemen, you seem to be full in here, I suppose 
it is no use to be looking for my seat in the dark — " 

"Sare" — responded, evidently by the accent, a Frenchman, and 
in a most complaisant and supplicatory tone — "Sare, do not you 
know my foote is under yours? 

"No, sir," — replied Mr. Brown standing up as well as he could 
in the stage, and feeling about for some space. 

"Sare, do not you know my foote is under yours?" — voice 
higher and quicker. 

"No, sir, I don't" — surprised, but not budging. 

"Sare, do you not know my foote is under yours?" — on the 
octave, and getting higher and more emphatic. 

"O ! I beg your pardon, sir, — do you mane Fm raelly treading 
on your futf" — without, however, moving off, but generously 
waiting for information. 

"Yes! sare! I do!" 

"Oh! I beg pardon, sir — raelly I thought I was standing on a 
carpet-bag" — when, satisfied he was wrong in his conjecture, and 



6 THE JOURNEY 

that it was "raelly the fut," Mr. Brown instantly removed the 
aggravating pressure. 

Our friends thus introduced by the "foote" and the "fut" as 
the gentleman from France and the gentleman frorh Ireland were 
welcomed by no inaudible laughter, in which they also participated, 
while at the moment the door was violently slammed, and that 
instantly followed by a startling crack of the impatient whip. 
This was of great advantage to Mr. Brown, as it helped him to a 
seat somewhere; although from some peevish expressions, he 
must have alighted on other quarters as well as his own. All 
outcries and growlings, however, occasioned by hats and bonnets 
innocently dashed into neighbouring faces, or by small trunks 
unable to keep their gravity, and elastic sticks and umbrellas that 
rubbed angrily against tender ancles or poked smartly into de- 
fenceless backs, all were drowned in the rattling thunder of the 
rolling wheels; and the tiers, rather loosely packed at first, were 
soon, by the ferocious and determined jerking and plunging of 
the vehicle, shaken into one compact quiescent and democratical 
mass. 

Unsuccessful attempts then came to sustain a general talk on the 
weather, the time of reaching the breakfast, the hour of the night, 
and the like novel and interesting topics ; the questions being com- 
monly put, and the replies hazarded by six or eight voices together, 
and in as many intervals of pitch, from the grumbled bass to the 
most tremulous and piteous treble. To these succeeded equally 
abortive efforts to sustain duos and trios, till the whole perform- 
ance of the talk remained a solo. This performer, when day 
peeped in upon us, proved to be a middle-aged and corpulent lady, 
who sang out in a very peculiar and most penetrating tone ; herself 
both asking and answering, often categorically, but for the most 
part in the "guess and may be" style of recitative. Encouraged 
by the silence of the company, the lady at length in the same lofty 
strains sang out portions of her own history, introducing the 
pleasing variations of "may-be-it-would" and "may-be-it-wouldn't" 
— "I guessed and he guessed" — and "says and says he," &c. The 
burden, however, of the piece was this : — it was her first trip to 
the city, although from a little girl she had lived within thirty 
miles — but her mother could never spare her — and when she 



THE JOURNEY 7 

married Jacob, her and hiiu could never leave home together, and 
Jacob, he would never let her go alone by herself, being "right 
down sarten she'd never come back again alive or without some 
of her bones broken." 

Soon, however, we began to go "slowly and sadly" over the 
Schuylkill bridge, when something not unlike snoring admonished 
the lady of our seeming inattention and her musical narrative sud- 
denly ceased, like the sudden holding up of a hard rain; and then 
all were quickly either practising sleep at random, or with troubled 
thoughts wandering to the absent or indulging fitful dreams of 
the future. 

Morning revealed by degrees the incumbents, and in very im- 
posing attitudes. For instance, there was the Frenchman, — his 
head on the Irishman's shoulder, and keeping pretty tolerable time 
to the music of the jolting carriage; while the Irishman revived 
now and then by a desperate lurch extra, as in atonement for his 
fault, made no attempt to be rid of his burden, but slowly closing 
his eyes, nodded away with his own head in the direction of our 
solo. But all noddings in this book will be indulged by the classic 
reader, who knows well enough : 

"Aliquando bonus dormitat Homerus." 

"The excellent 'Homer takes a nap now and then." 

Fronting myself was a person with hands holding to a strap 
pendent from the roof, his head inclined towards his breast, and 
his hat fallen off, but intercepted by Col. Wilmar, his sleeping 
neighbour. This stranger, on several elevations of his head, pre- 
sented a countenance that set me to recalling past scenes and as- 
sociates, and I was in a fair way of making some discovery, when 
all were fiercely jerked into wakefulness by a most unnatural 
and savage plunge of the stage, followed on the instant, like 
severe lightning, by an explosion ; the tiers becoming all vocal 
with "bless my soul's" — "my goodnesses !" — and vulgar "ouches !" 
Above all, however, sounded this pathetic remonstrance in our 
talking lady's inimitable style: — "La! Mister! if you aint nodded 
agin this here right bran new bonnit of mine, till I vow if it 
aint as good as spiled!" To this no reply was permitted as the 
horses suddenly halted, and a venerable and decent landlord hav- 



8 THE JOURNEY 

ing opened the door of the carriage, requested us to alight, adding 
that "the stage breakfasts here." 

The live stock accordingly was unpacked and extricated from 
the dead, no important damage being visible, except in "the bran 
new bonnit;" and sure enough it was curiously sloped contrary 
to nature, with an irregular concave in the front and suitable 
enlargements sideways. Sceptics like Hume would doubtless have 
raised a query, if the width was entirely owing to the noddings 
of the Irish gentleman, or the very ample rotundity of the cherry- 
cheeked and good-humoured face expanded within the bonnet; 
but Mr. Brown himself at once admitted his inconsiderate butting 
as the cause, and with every appearance of concern he busied 
himself with assisting the matron to alight and looking after 
her baskets and boxes. This so won on her, that when at the 
first opportunity Mr. Brown attempted an apology and condolence, 
he was interrupted by her saying — "Oh ! never mind it, Mister, 
it aint no odds no how, and I guess we can soon fix it." 

During our ablutions I caught the eye of the young stranger 
already named, fixed with an inquiring look on my face ; and then 
we both, towel in hand, gradually advanced, yet embarrassed and 
hesitating as if both recollected the incident, "you thought it was 
me and I thought it was you, and faith its nather of us," till, ar- 
rived at proper distance, he extended his hand and hazarded the 
affirmative inquiry: 

"If I mistake not this is Robert Carlton!" 
My reply showed it was each of us : 

"Clarence! Charles Clarence! — is it possible! — is this you!" 
Reader, this Charles Clarence was the identical boy of the 
adjacent seat, whose enthusiasm for bark cabins and forest life, 
like my own, had beguiled us of many a hateful lesson, and gained 
for us many a smart application of birch and leather in parts 
left defenceless by scant patterns of primitive roundabouts 

Shortly after this, in the parlour of the Warren tavern, a 
general introduction took place among the Pittsburgh travellers: 
viz. Mr. Brown, Mr. Smith, Col. Wilmar and Miss Wilmar, Mr. 
Clarence and Mr. and Mrs. Carlton ; who all, in due season, shall 
be more particularly introduced to our readers, as the Party. At 
present we must obey the signal for breakfast; that meal beiqg 



THE JOURNEY 9 

really prepared for the passengers, although, by metonomy, it 
was in old times said to be for the stage. 



CHAPTER HI. 

"Hominem pagina nostra sapit.".. 
"Our page describes some gentlemen." 

When summoned to the stage by the driver's horn, it seemed 
we had lost some way-passengers, room being thus obtained for 
the lady of the bonnet; who, however, appeared wearing the old 
article, having, with a corrected judgment, consigned the damaged 
one to the band-box. So, also, greater space was found for the 
French gentleman's foot, who had, from apprehension of cold 
or from gout, so encased his pedalic appendages in socks of 
carpet-stuff as to lead a careless observer, even by day-light, to 
mistake his feet for two of the many travelling bags on the floor. 
Opportunity also was afforded now of a more judicious disposal 
of various rubbing, poking and punching articles, so that, aided 
by a good breakfast and a morning cold but bright, we were soon 
engaged in a conversation, general, easy, and animated. 

And now we may properly proceed to introduce the gentlemen 
of the party. Please then, reader, notice first that pleasant-looking 
personage bowing so profoundly, and evidently anxious to win 
your favour. That is — hem ! — that is Robert Carlton, Esq. He 
takes the opportunity of soliciting your company not only for 
the journey but — all the way through his two volumes. He would 
also say, it is his purpose to imitate Julius Csesar occasionally, and 
use the third instead of the first person singular, and to adopt now 
and then, too, the regal style, in employing nominative zve, pos- 
sessive our or ours, objective us. These imitations, it is supposed, 
will give a very pleasing variety to the book, enable the author to 
utter complimentary things about Mr. Carlton and his lady with 
greater freedom, and not run so hard upon capital I's, or, in 
technical phrase, not exhaust the printer's sorts. 



10 THE JOURNEY 

This next gentleman is my friend Mr. Smith. Like so many of 
the name, he was in all respects a worthy man, and honoured, at 
the time, with a high station in the magistracy of Pittsburgh. Our 
party shared his liberal hospitality there, and since that hour 
we have been quite partial in our regard of the Smiths, and their 
relatives the Smythes. Happy partiality this ; for if all classed and 
sorted under that grand-common-proper-noun take a correspond- 
ing liking for our author, where will be the limit to the number of 
copies and editions? 

Ladies and gentlemen, this is Mr. Brown. He was an Irish 
gentleman, had travelled extensively in Europe, and had the 
manners of the best society. At present he was at the commence- 
ment of a tour, to be extended over most of the United States. 
Among his oddities, not the least was his odd person, entitling him 
to Noah Webster's word, lengthy, — he appearing alternately all 
body, when one looked up, and all legs when one looked down : — 
a peculiarity I am led the more to notice, as I found his elonga- 
tion very unfavourable to skiff navigation afterwards on the 
Ohio river; and indeed it put us in jeopardy, if not of life, yet of 
immersion. In spite of all his reading — (Mr. Boz, however, had 
not then published his American notes) — Mr. Brown was re- 
markably ignorant of our country, expressing unfeigned surprise 
that our road, only twenty miles from Philadelphia, in place of 
leading into dark forests filled with wild beasts and naked savages, 
did really run amid open farms and smiling scenery, abounding 
with domestic animals and civilized agriculturalists. Pittsburgh 
was his Ultima Thule, beyond which he expected to find no place, 
or even something worse. Distinguished, however, for his agree- 
able manners and frank disposition, cheerfully confessing and 
laughing at his own mistakes, he became of course a universal 
favourite. 

Col. Wilmar was, however, my beau ideal of a gentleman. To 
a manly beauty he had added the qualities of good education and 
the grace of many accomplishments. He was courteous, brave 
and even chivalrous ; his attention to others resulting from benev- 
olence and not from prudence. Ladies under his care (and that, 
from a knowledge of his character, was often the case), were re- 
garded by him more as sisters having claims on a brother's atten- 



THE JOURNEY ii 

tions, than as strangers committed to his trust. With pleasure 
we thought such a specimen of our citizens could be contemplated 
by Mr. Brown; and Mr. Carlton rejoiced that he knew one 
worthy to live in the land of poetry and dreams : for the colonel 
was an inhabitant of the West. 

In the last war with Great Britain, Col. Wilmar, then a very 
young man, commenced his military career as a volunteer, and 
after being actively engaged in many skirmishes and other war- 
like enterprises, he served finally as an aid to Gen. Winchester in 
the disastrous battle of the river Raisin.^ Taken prisoner he es- 
caped the massacre made of his associates by the Indians, and 
was then marched to Fort Maiden ; whence, after a detention of 
some months, he was restored to his home. Here, his military 
feelings being yet dominant, he was soon honoured with an im- 
portant command among the militia and volunteers of Kentucky — 
his native State. 

When we became, as a party, the sole occupants of the stage, 
and, in the ascent of the mountains, had opportunities for pro- 
longed narratives, among other matters the colonel gave, at our 
request, a sketch of his military adventures. And one story may 
properly find a place here by way of episode in the description of 
my companions. 

But hark ! — some one hails our driver, and the stage stops. — 

"Law ! bless my senses, if there aint Jacob in his cart come out 
for me at the end of our road !" — was the immediate exclamation 
that burst from our heroine. The unexpected sight of her hus- 
band and the thoughts of home (where we learned she expected 
to see "little Peggy"), were too powerful for the prudent resolves 
or secret awe that had, for the last hour, kept our dame silent ; and 
out rushed nature's feelings as above described. Nor did the 
torrent exhaust itself at one gushing — it paused and then 
continued : 

"I vow I thought he'd a met one at the tavern in Dowington — 

1 In Michigan just north of Toledo, Ohio. On Jan. 22, 1813, the British 
General Proctor, commanding 1,000 whites and Indians, defeated the 
Americans under General Winchester. The 500 American prisoners, left 
without a sufficient guard, were massacred by the Indians. "Remember 
the Raisin" became the battle cry of the western frontiersmen. Ft. 
Maiden is in Canada across the Detroit river below Windsor. 



12 THE JOURNEY 

but Jacob's so monstrous afeard of a body's gittin hurt, that he's 
staid out here — I do wonwer how he left them all at home?" 

In the meantime, Mr. Brown, pleased with her self-satisfaction, 
good nature, and forgiving temper, had got out and stood receiv- 
ing first the band-box containing the pummelled bonnet, and then 
aiding its owner to alight; for which he received a cordial 
"thankee, sir," and pressing invitation to call and see her and 
Jacob if ever he should be travelling that way again. 

All that could be heard of the conjugal dialogue was — "Well 
I vow, Jacob, who'd a thought of seeing you at our road!" — to 
which was answered — "And so, Peggy," — the rest being lost in the 
renewed thunder of our wheels. Jacob was evidently pleased to 
receive Peggy safe; and his calm quaker-life dress and counte- 
nance seemed to look and say, he was by no means the Mercury 
or chief speaker in the domestic circle. 

Return we to our episode. Col. Wilmar's narrative. 

"Among our volunteers was a young man, a tailor I believe, but 
in all respects decidedly our best soldier. He was tall, well pro- 
portioned, and fit for any feat of strength and dexterity ; besides, 
he was observant of every duty, and ready at any time for either 
parade or battle. Without being myself a member of the church, 
I believe the many excellences of his brave, benevolent, and self- 
sacrificing spirit were owing mainly to religious principles. He 
was, I know, a professor of religion. 

"In one battle at the Raisin, he was slightly wounded — a knowl- 
edge of which must have led to the tragedy that followed our 
capture. Turner, for that was the soldier's name, did, indeed, 
try to conceal his wound from the Indians ; and I well know it did 
not retard his progress : but unless our captors were determined 
to avoid even the possibility of any hinderance, we never could 
conjecture any other plausible reason for what followed. 

"My friend was in the same division of prisoners with myself, 
the assistant surgeon and several of our townsmen ; and at night 
when we halted. Turner was seated near me at the fire in the 
woods, while the Indians dealt us out a little bread and beef. On 
my left, and nearly opposite the poor fellow, I saw, for some time, 
an Indian who kept his eye on Turner, with an expression that 



THE JOURNEY 13 

looked like mischief ; and then I saw the savage, as if by stealth, 
grasp his tomahawk and move round without any noise, till he 
came up immediately behind us. Why, I cannot tell, but perhaps 
Turner, too, had noticed all this ; he sprang, however, suddenly to 
his feet and with the most amazing activity, arrested the blow 
of the weapon with his arm, receiving a deep gash in his shoulder, 
and thus warding off the blow from his head. And then, gentle- 
men, that wounded man darted upon that Indian, and actually 
wrested the hatchet from his hand, and in the next instant raised 
it to aim a deadly blow at his enemy's head — ay, gentlemen, I saw 
the hatchet tremble in his grasp — I saw, as I think, the weapon 
almost descending with its fatal stroke — and yet, at that very 
moment, it was stayed — and the next it was thrown down upon 
the ground. 

"For on the instant our surgeon, who had noticed the Indians 
drawing their knives and hatchet for our massacre, cried out — 
"Turner! Turner for God's sake, don't kill him!" — And then, 
Turner, our noble, godlike comrade, comprehending at a glance 
our danger, looked up a moment, as if in prayer — flinging, at the 
same time, the weapon on the earth. And there he stood ! — his 
arms calmly folded across his breast, and with such a look of 
self-devotion and Christian resignation, until the demon-like sav- 
age having picked up the hatchet, approached his victim, and 
buried it, with one terrific blow, deep in his head !" 

A tear trembled in the colonel's eye as he concluded ; and al- 
though many years have passed since I heard him tell this story, 
I am moved when I think of that godlike warrior so dying ! — but 
then the story was better told. 

Charles Clarence my new found friend was an orphan. His 
parents both had died, he being scarcely three years old, leaving 
him however, heir nominally to large and valuable tracts of land. 
But he succeeded to nothing, at last, more valuable than a very 
large mass of useless papers ; unless we except some trinkets in- 
dicative of an ancient and wealthy family : and even these the sole 
mementos of departed parents were sacrificed to supply the urgent 
necessities of Clarence, when he found himself a deserted boy. 
Some relatives did not then know of his existence — and some 
only found it out when he did not need either recognition or as- 



14 THE JOURNEY 

sistance. A maternal uncle, however, in the far South, prevented 
by sudden death from adopting my friend as a son, had left him a 
legacy : and from this he had been liberally educated, with many 
interruptions, however, and many distressing inconveniences, 
owing to the interception of his small dividends on some occa- 
sions by dishonest agents. 

Still the apparent neglect of some relatives, the want of a 
guardian and other seeming evils had been of service to Clarence 
in giving stamina to his character, wanting, naturally, in bone and 
sinew. Even the interruption of his studies had led to several 
voyages and journeys with peril indeed, to life and health, but 
with advantage to his mind and manners. His fondness, too, for 
adventure was indulged, and he was rendered thus a more in- 
teresting and instructive companion friend. Sobered, it is true, by 
disappointment and grief, my friend was ; yet I found him now 
sufficiently sanguine and confident to venture on enterprises con- 
sidered praiseworthy, if one succeed, but not so, if unsuccessful. 
Indeed but lately had he returned from a visit to the Falls of 
Niagara, in which from want of money, he had been induced to 
use the vulgar mare that required only rest and no oats — in other 
words, with a knapsack on his back he had, in company with two 
associates, made a tour of three hundred miles on foot. He had 
also travelled many thousand miles in various directions and in 
various capacities, so that he abounded in anecdotes and incidents, 
which he could so relate as to make himself a companion for a 
journey by no means undesirable. 

At this very time Clarence was going to Kentucky on a very 
grand adventure : — he was on his way to be married. When only 
sixteen years of age he became affianced to a maiden, whose 
family shortly after emigrating to the West, thus, for a long 
time, had separated the lovers. But now at the end of seven 
years, during which the parties had never met, Clarence was 
going as he pretended to see the family ; but in reality, reader, to 
marry his sweetheart. Ladies ! will you please note this as an 
offset to instances of faithlessness in our sex? And were not 
these specimens of long cherished love and unbroken faith 
worthy the poetical land ? 

But what lights in the distance? Oh! that is Lancaster, 



THE JOURNEY 15 

and there we eat supper and change stages : excuse me, then, 
reader, we have no time to introduce our ladies. 

iji Jjl Sji 5}! 3(C ^ 

Supper ended, we found a nezv stage, if by new is understood 
another, for old enough it was and a sice ( ?) less than our old 
stage; — which after all was nearly a new one. True, excepting 
monsieur, we had before stopping let out all our way passengers; 
but fortunately on attempting to get in ourselves now, we dis- 
covered enough new way passengers not only to take the seats of 
the former ones, but our seats also — so remarkably accommodat- 
ing were the old-fashioned accommodation stages and stage own- 
ers ! Alas ! for us that night ! that it was before the era of 
caoutchouc or gum elastic ! — stages' bodies of that could have so 
easily become, almost at will, a size larger and a size less, expand- 
ing and contracting as passengers got in or out ! Oh ! the cram- 
ming — the jamming — the bumping about of that night! How we 
practiced the indirect style of discontent and cowardice, in giving 
it to the intruders over the shoulders of stage owners, and agents, 
and drivers, and horses ! And how that crazy, rattling, rickety, old 
machine rolled and pitched and flapped its curtains and walloped 
us for the abuse, till we all were quashed, bruised, and mellowed 
into a quaking lump of passive, untalking, sullen victims ! 



CHAPTER IV. 

"Pshaw !" 

Dashed away from the hotel the stage with such vengeance and 
mischief in the speed that the shops ran backward in alarm and 
lights streamed mere ribbons of fire, as when urchins whirl an ig- 
nited stick! Discontent, therefore, found a present alleviation 
in the belief that such driving, by landing us in Harrisburg speed- 
ily, would soon terminate our discomforts. But the winged horses, 
once beyond Lancaster, turned again into hoofy quadrupeds mov- 
ing nearly three miles per hour ! And then the watering places ! 
— the warming places — the letting out places ! — the letting in 



i6 THE JOURNEY 

places! — the grog stations! — and above all! the post-offices! — 
and oh ! the marvellous multiplication of extra drivers ! — and 
extra driver's friends — and extra hostlers ! — it was like the sud- 
den increase of bugs that wait for the darkness before they take 
wing! And then the flavour of the stable considerately tempered 
with the smell of ginseng and apple whiskey! — ^both odours oc- 
casionally overpowered by the fragrance of cigars bought six 
for a penny. 

At first, so decided a growl arose from the imprisoned travellers 
whenever a cigar was lighted, that the smoking tobacco was at 
once cast away ; but the rising of the numberless other gases, soon 
taught us "of two evils to bear the least," and the cigars were 
finally tolerated to the last puff. 

And then the talk on the driver's seat! — how interesting and 
refreshing! — For instance, the colloquies about Jake! and Ike! 
and Nance! and Poll! The talk, too, first about the horses, and 
then the talk zmth the horses ; on which latter occasions the four 
legged people were kindly addressed by their Christian names 
and complimented with an encomiastic flourish and cut of the 
lash. To these favours the answer was commonly an audible 
and impatient swing of the horse tails; sometimes, however, it 
came in form of a sudden and malicious, dislocating jerk of the 
stage; and sometimes, I am sorry to add, the answer was alto- 
gether disrespectful, indicating an indulged and pampered 
favourite. 

Within the den, the ominous pop, at irregular intervals (but 
not like angel's visits in the number and length), and the smell 
of fresh brandy, intimated dealings with evil spirits, and that 
some carried bacchanalian pocket pistols — more fatal even and 
much nastier than the powder and bullet machines used in other 
murders and suicides. Olfactories were regaled also with essence 
of peppermint, spicy gingerbread, and unctuous cold sausage; 
such and other delicacies being used by different inmates to 
beguile hunger and tedium. 

At length a jew pedlar with a design of selling the article as 
well as gratifying a musical penchant, exhibited — not to our eyes, 
it was an Egyptian night within — but to our ears, a musical snuff 
box, if not enchanting yet certainly enchanted, as it possessed the 



THE JOURNEY 17 

art of self-winding, to judge from the endless and merciless 
repetitions and alternations of the Copenhagen Waltz and Yankee 
Doodle. Its tinkling, however, was ultimately drowned by a more 
powerful musician on the driver's seat. His was an extra driver, 
so wrought up by the pedlar's box, that his feelings could be no 
longer controlled, but suddenly exploded with the most startling 
effect in the following exquisite lyric or ballad. Perhaps the 
words were not extempore, yet from the variations of the won- 
drous hum-drum fitted to them, and the prolongation and shorten- 
ing of notes, and a peculiar slurry way to bring in several syllables 
to one note, it may be supposed our songster chose not to halt or 
stump from any defect of memory. 

The Extra-Driver's Song. 

"Come all ye young people, I'm going for to sing, 

Concarnin MooUy Edwards and her lovyer Peter King, 

How this young woman did break her lovyer's heart, 

And when he went and hung hisself how hern did in her smart. 

'This Molly Edwards she did keep the turnpike gate, 
And travilyers allowed her the most puttiest in our state, 
But Peter for a livin he did f oiler the drovyer's life, 
And Molly she did promise him she'd go and be his wife. 

"So Peter he to Molly goes as he cums through the gate, 
And says, says he, oh ! Molly, why do you make me wait, 
I'm done a drovin hossis and come a courtin you, 
Why do you sarve me so, as I'm your lovyer true? 

"Then Molly she toss'd up her nose and tuk the drovyer's toll. 
But Pete he goes and hangs hisself that night unto a pole, 
And Molly said, says she, I wish I'd been his wife, 
And Pete he come and hanted her the rest of all her life." 

The performance, rapturously encored ex animo by the drivers 
and some cognate spirits within, but mischievously, it is to be 
feared, by Mr. Carlton, Col. Wilmar and the gentlemen of the 
party, was handsomely repeated and then succeeded by other 
poems and tunes equally affecting, but which we shall not record. 

So passed the memorable night, till at long, very long last we 
reached the suburbs of Harrisburgh. Here, whether the horses 
smelled oats, or the road was better, or the driver would eradicate 



i8 THE JOURNEY 

doubts about his team, expressed by us every half mile lately, 
here we commenced going not like thunder but certainly in 
thunder and earthquake, till in a few moments the carriage stopped 
at the hotel. And this was where the stage was to sleep — but, 
alas ! it lacked now only one hour of the time when we must 
proceed on our journey anew! The vehicle, however, disgorged 
its cramming over the pavem_ent ; and then, how all the people, 
with countless bags, boxes, cloaks, sticks, umbrellas, baskets, 
bandboxes, hatboxes, valises, &c., &c., had been or could be again 
stowed in that humming-bird's nest of a stage, seemed to require 
a nice geometrical calculation. Pack the inhabitants of our globe 
stage-fashion by means of dishonest agents and greedy owners, 
and be assured, a less number of acres would serve for our ac- 
commodation than is generally supposed. 

It was arranged now that our two ladies should share one bed 
at 25 cents, and take each 12^ cents worth of sleep in an hour, 
the gentlemen to snooze gratuitously on the settees in the bar 
room; and it is wonderful how much sleep can be accomplished 
in a short time if it be done by the job! Oh! it seemed cruelty 
to summon us from that deep repose to renew the journey; yet, 
as all our innumerable way passengers but one had swarmed off, 
we had more room, and so were able to nurse the ladies during the 
day into some uneasy slumbers and to sleep off hand ourselves, 
or in other words, without a rest. Pshaw ! 



CHAPTER V. 

" 'Tis distance lends enchantment to the view." 

We left Chambersburgh in good spirits after a comfortable 
night's rest, the sole occupants of the stage too; and by a rare 
chance we remained sole occupants during the remainder of our 
journey. And "though we say it that shouldn't" never was a 
more agreeable party in all respects than ours — the present com- 
pany, viz., the reader and author excepted. Among other 
excellences, none of the party chewed tobacco, smoked tobacco, 
spit tobacco, drank alcoholic liquors, or used profane language — 



THE JOURNEY 19 

evils that may be separated, but which still are often united. Of 
course no one took snuff, all being then greatly too young for 
powdered tobacco: that very appropriately belongs to "the sere 
and yellow leaf" time. 

Not long after sun-rise we were at the ascent of the grand 
mountain — a frowning rampart shutting by its rocky wall from 
the east that world beyond ! From the base to the apex the 
road here ascends about four miles ; which ascent the gentlemen 
resolved to walk up : — a feat usually achieved at the first moun- 
tain, especially if the first one has ever seen. To be sure people 
afterwards luill walk when politely requested by a good natured 
driver, out of pity to the poor brute horses: but — (shame on 
his poetry and romance), Mr. Carlton having in subsequent years 
passed and repassed the mountains twenty-four times, used to 
remain in the stage and sleep up the ascents ! Yet not infrequently 
would he be musing on the past, and recalling with smiles and 
tears, that delightful party and that delightful walk on that sweet 
morning, and all the glorious visions and castle buildings of that 
entrancing day ! — gone, gone, "like the baseless fabric of a 
dream!" 

We soon left the stage behind us, and sometimes out of sight 
and hearing. Then, under pretext of concern for the ladies, but 
really I fear to have a pretext for resting, we called a halt, where 
we could sit on a rock and blow, till the noise of wheels and the 
sight of a bonnet peeping from the stage gave us liberty to 
proceed ; or rather took away the excuse for sitting still. At the 
same time the bonnet would disappear, lest it should be construed 
as a token of fear — robbery in those times not only of solitary 
travellers but of whole stage companies often happening. How- 
ever we had a host in Col. Wilmar, and even thought with a 
peculiar thrill of the poetry of an attack from bandits ; — although 
when in after years we encountered the danger it was not sc 
poetical as romance writers make it, but simply a very disagree- 
able affair better to read about than transact. 

The time of the present journey was late in April, the nights 
being often very cold, but the days only moderately cool and 
sometimes even warm. Snow was yet in spots near the summit 
of the mountains, although in places lying towards the south and 



20 THE JOURNEY 

east vegetation was in rapid progress : so that nothing could be 
more in unison with our feelings than the renovated world amid 
the Alleghanies, Hope was springing so fresh and green from 
the decayed hope of boyhood ! and nature so budding forth from 
the deadness of winter ! but alas ! if buds and flowers burst forth, 
they die again and soon! And renovated hope is renewed only 
for blighting. 

We stood now on the pinnacle of the great Cove mountain 
and were gazing on the mingled grandeur and beauty of the 
scene. Few are unmoved by the view from that top ; as for my- 
self I was ravished. Was I not on the dividing ridge between 
two worlds — the worn and faded East, the new and magic West ? 
And yet I now felt and painfully felt, that we were bidding 
adieu to home and entering on the untried : still, hope was 
superior to fear, and I was eager to pass those other peaks, some 
near as if they might be touched and glorious with the new sun- 
beams, and some sinking down away oflf till the dim outline of the 
farthest visible tops melted into blue and hazy distance! Years 
after I stood on that pinnacle alone and the two worlds were seen 
again — but no hopes swelled then into visions of glory, at sight 
of the dim peaks ; no consolations awaited me in my native valleys 
of the East ! Death had made East and West alike to me a wilder- 
ness ! Poor Clarence ! did he ever stand again, where I noticed 
him standing that morning? How buoyant his heart! and so 
melted with tender thoughts, so raptured with imaginings ! Could 
it be? — after years of separation — is he now hastening to one 
dearer to him than the whole world beside ! Will they know one 
another? Both have changed from childhood to maturity — ^but 
why so speak ? Our lovers ever thought each the other unchanged 
in size, in look, in voice; and when they did meet at last, they 
shed tears, for while both were in all respects improved, both 
were altered, and they were no more to love as boy and girl, but 
as man and woman ! Clarence saw no dark spectres in the bright 
visions of that morning! 

Upon Smith, long ago the scenes of that other life opened*> 
and doubtless they were of an undying glory, for 

But here comes the stage to hurry us onward; and so the 



THE JOURNEY 21 

bustle of life interrupts serious meditations with the whirl of 
cares and enterprises. 

We were all once more seated in the vehicle, which instantly 
darted upon the descent with a velocity alarming, and yet ex- 
hilarating to persons unusued to the style of a mountain driver. 
The danger is with due care less, indeed, than the appearance ; yet 
the sight of places where wagons and stages are said to have 
tumbled gigantic somersets over miniature precipices, will force 
one involuntarily to say in a supplicatory tone to Jehu, — "Take 
care driver, here's where that stage went over, and poor Mr. 
Bounce was killed!" To this caution Jehu replied — "Oh! no 
danger — besides he wa n't killed — he only smashed his ribs 'gin 
that rock there, and got his arm broke:" and then to quiet our 
fears, he sends forth his endless lash to play a curve or two 
around the ears of the prancing leaders, and with a pistol-like 
crack that kindles the fire of the team to fury; and away they 
all bound making the log crowning the rampart of wall tremble 
and start from its place as the wheels spin round within eight 
inches of the dreaded brink. 

Thundering down thus, our stage dashed up the small stones 
as if they leaped from a volcano, and awaked the echoes of the 
grim rocks and the woody caverns : while ill-stifled "Oh ! my's " 
and a tendency of the ladies to counteract, by opposite motions, 
the natural bias of the stage body for the sideway declivity, were 
consoled with the usual asseverations — "O don't be afraid — no 
danger — no danger!" But when the horses, on approaching a 
sudden turn of the road, seemed, in order to secure a good ofl^ing, 
to shy of? towards the deep valley, and nothing could be seen 
over the tips of their erect and quivering ears, save blue sky 
and points of tall trees, then the ladies, spite of rebukes and con- 
solations — (and one at least of the gentlemen) — would stand 
tip-toeish, labouring, indeed, to keep a kind of smile on the lips, 
but with an irepressible "good gracious — me!" look out of the 
eyes. And — 

But oh! what a beautiful village belows us! How neat 

and regular the houses ! See ! there's one spun and woven — like a 
Dutch woman's petticoat! — yes, petticoat is the word — only the 
stripes of the petticoat do not run horizontally, and those of the 



22 THE JOURNEY 

house do. I declare if there are not brick houses ! and stone 
ones ! — and how the smoke curls up to us — we can smell break- 
fast ! What noiseless streets ! What green meadows ! Do you 
ever see any thing so picture like — so like patchwork! It would 
be so pleasant to live in that nice, quiet snug, picturesque village ! 
Mr. Smith, what place is it? Mr. Smith smiling replied — 
McConnelstown." McConnelstown ! oh ! what a beauty — there 
it is hid — no — there — look through there — where? — there — no 
'tis gone ! 

We soon had reached the valley three miles below the point 
of descent; and as Jehu said it was done at the rate of twelve 
miles to the hour, the reader being skilled in the modern knowl- 
edges, can calculate our time for himself. "There is the town," 
said Mr. Smith. Yes ! there it was sure enough, as it had never 
budged from its site since we had first spied it ; but — 

"Quantum mutatus ab illo !" 

"What a fall! was there! my countrymen!" 

Is that jumble of curious frame, brick, log, and stone habitations 
our picture-town ! Ay ! truly, there is the petticoat-house, with a 
petticoat as a curtain before the door, and an old hat or so in 
the glassless sash, and fire light gleaming between the logs. There ! 
the door opens to see us pass — ^just see the children — one, two, 
three — nine at least, and one in very deed at the breast ! — but how 
dirty and uncombed ! Did you ever see such a set as the scamps 
lounging about that tavern ? — and one reeling off drunk, the morn- 
ing so fresh yet ! See ! that duck puddle and swine wallow full of 
vile looking mud and water — certainly it must be sickly here, 
"Driver, what noise is that?" "Dogs fighting." "Dreadful! — Mr. 
Smith what are you laughing at?" "Oh, nothing — only I should 
not like to live here as well as some ladies and gentlemen." And 
yet, reader, while a near view had dispelled the illusion of a 
distant prospect, good and excellent, and even learned and talented 
people lived there, and yet live in McConnelstown. 

At all events we shall have a good breakfast at this fine looking 
stage-house. But whether we had arrived too soon, or the folks 
usually began preparation after counting the number of mouths, 
or the wood was green or we most vulgarly hungry and sharp 
set, very long was it, very long indeed, before we were sum- 



THE JOURNEY 23 

moned. And then the breakfast ! Perhaps it was all accidental, 
but the coffee ( ?) was a libel on a diluted soot, made by nurses 
to cure a baby's colic: the tea ( ?) — for we had representatives of 
both beverages — the tea, was a perfect imitation of a decoction 
of clover hay, with which in boyhood we nursed the tender little 
calves, prematurely abstracted from the dams, the silly innocents 
believing all the while that the finger in the mouth was a teat! 
Eggs, too ! — it may have been unlike Chesterfield — but it certainly 
was not without hazard to put them in the mouth before putting 
them to the nose : — the oval delicacies mostly remained this 
morning to feast such as prefer eggs ripe. Ay ! but here comes a 
monster of a sausage coiled up like a great greasy eel ! Such often 
in spite of being over-grown or over-stuffed are yet palatable: 
this rascal, however, had rebelled against the cook, and salaman- 
der-like, had passed the fiery ordeal unscorched. Hot rolls came, 
a novelty then, but much like biscuits in parts of the Far West, 
viz., a composition of oak bark on the outside, and hot putly with- 
in — the true article for invalids and dyspeptics. We had also 
bread and butter, and cold cabbage and potatoes, like oysters, 
some fried and some in the shell ; and green pickles so bounti- 
fully supplied with salt as to have refused vinegar — and beets — 
and saltsellars in the shape of glass hats — and a mustard pot like 
a salve-box, with a bone spoon glued in by a potent cement of a 
red-brown-yellow colour — and a light-green bottle of vinegar 
dammed up by a strong twisted wadding of brown paper. 

Reader, what more could we wish ? 

"Nothing." 

Let us go then to a new chapter. 



CHAPTER VI. 

"hair-breadth escapes in the imminent deadly breach — " 

"Is that a dagger that I see before me?" 

"Fee ! f aw ! f um ! I smell the blood of an Englishman !" 

In imitation of the ingenious Greek, with his specimen brick, 
we have given bits of our roads, drivers and so forth, to stand for 
the whole of such matters: but as the reader, unless he skips, 
must have something to cheat him of the tedium during the re- 
maining journey, we shall here give parts of conversations, after 
we had abandoned walks up mountains and dreams on their 

summits. 

****** 

"I shall never forget that spot," said Col. Wilmar, one day. 

''Why, Colonel?" 

"I was so near shooting a fellow we mistook for a highway- 
man." 

"Indeed! why how was that?" 

"My wife," proceeded the Colonel, in answer, "is a native 
of the South. Directly after our marriage, we sailed from Phila- 
delphia, there spending some weeks prior to our going home to 
Lexington. When the visit was over, having purchased a carriage, 
we prevailed on our cousin, the sister of Miss Wilmar here, to go 
with us to the West: and then set out, the two ladies and myself, 
with a hired coachman. I need hardly say I then travelled with 
weapons, and as we entered the mountainous country, a brace 
of pistols was kept loaded usually in a pocket of the carriage. 
Perhaps I may with propriety add, that we were worth robbing 
and that our travelling 'fixins' excited some interest along the 
road — the fact is, I was just married, and you all know what 
young fellows do in the way of extra then. Hence I do confess 
I felt more anxiety than I chose to exhibit, and looked upon it as 
more than possible that we might light on disagreeable company. 

"The road was most execrable, except on occasional section 
of the turnpike then making and partially completed. We na- 
turally, therefore, entered on any chance section of this new 
road not only in good spirits from the exchange, btit with a kind 

24 



THE JOURNEY 25 

of confidence as to our safety: — for I believe one looks out for 
bad fellows in bad roads and places more than in the good ones. 
Well, just off there — you see where that old road ran — that deep 
narrow gulley — there we emerged into a piece of superb turnpike ; 
or, in fact, we were compelled to take it, an impediment being 
manifestly placed in the old road to turn travellers into the new: 
— and as I knew the turnpike would give out in a mile or two, 
I ordered the coachman to go ahead as fast as possible. This 
he did for about half a mile, when suddenly a loud and gruff 
voice called out — 'Stop !' — which order was obeyed by our coach- 
man in an instant. 

"With a hand instinctively on a pistol, I looked out of the 
carriage-window, — and there, fronting the horses stood a stout 
fellow with a formidable sledge hammer, raised, as in the very 
act of knocking down a horse; — while several other rough chaps 
advanced towards us with bludgeons and axes from the side of 
the road ! 

"Drawing the pistol from the pocket, as I spoke, I demanded — 
'What do you mean?' 

" 'A dollar for trav'lin the new road — and buggur your eyes if 
you'll git on till you pay — and blast my soul if your man tries it, 
if I don't let drive at a horse's head.' 

"To lean out — cock the pistol, and level straight at the fellow's 
head, was the work of a moment — and I then said — 'Out of the 
road, you rascal! — only shake that sledge again, and I'll shoot 
you dead on the spot.' 

"The instant I spoke my wife threw an arm around my neck, 
and my cousin hung on my other arm, and both screamed out — 
"Oh. colonel, don't kill him — oh ! don't " — and then to the fellow 
—"Oh! do! do! do! go away!— he'll kill you!— oh! go!" "How 
far the gang had designed to proceed, I was then doubtful — nor 
do I know, if the ladies would not have destroyed the accuracy 
of my aim — yet, when that fellow caught sight of the muzzle 
directed at his head, and heard the frantic cries of the ladies, 
he dropped the sledge hammer as if his arms were paralyzed ; and 
the whole company suddenly, but quickly, retreating, our driver 
went ahead. The ladies had interfered involuntarily from instinc- 



26 THE JOURNEY 

tive horror at seeing a sudden and violent death, and partly for 
fear the leader's fall would be the signal for our massacre — but 
then I had you know, the other pistol ; and beside I depended on 
a stout dirk, worn under my vest, and some little on the alarm of 
the gang and the assistance of the driver. That, however, is the 
adventure." 

"Had you made no resistance," observed Mr. Smith, "you 
would at least have paid a dollar and perhaps have been insulted 
with foul language : but the fellows were not robbers in the 
worst sense. A number of workmen, it was said, had been de- 
frauded of their wages, and to make up the losses, they decoyed 
passengers into the turnpike and then exacted toll. Your affair, 
by the way, colonel, reminds me of a narrow escape I once made 
in returning from New Orleans " 

"Ay! — what was it?" 

"I had gone," resumed Mr. Smith, "down the river with a load 
of produce, and having turned both cargo and boat into bills and 
cash, I was obliged to venture back alone. Accordingly, I bought 
a fine horse, provided weapons, and stowed my money and a few 
articles of apparel into my saddle-bags, which at night were put 
under my head and made fast round my person with a strap. 
One day, when I had nearly reached the state of Tennessee, I 
found myself at sunset, by some miscalculation or wrong direction, 
about fifteen miles from the intended halting-place, but was pre- 
vented from camping out by coming unexpectedly on a two story 
log-house lately built, and of course, for a tavern. The landlord 
took my saddle-bags and led the way into the house, where a 
couple of suspicious-looking men were standing near the fire. I 
called for something to eat, and pretty quick after supper I took 
up my plunder, under pretence of being very sleepy, and went up 
to a small room furnished with only one bed ; but I did not really 
intend to go to bed, for the conviction kept haunting me, that 
some attempt would be made on my property — may be on my life. 
Of course, I barricaded the door as well as possible, and, without 
noise, examined my pistols — and got out my dirk — and after a 
while blew out the light and made a noise as if getting into bed — 
but I only sat on the edge and waited the result. 



THE JOURNEY 27 

"Between one and two hours after, I heard other persons enter 
the house below ; and then, amidst a sort of premeditated bustle, I 
could plain enough distinguish a lower tone, a gentler stepping up 
and down, and once or twice a very cautious attempt or two to 
open my door, till at last the landlord came up and hailed me — 

" 'Hullow ! stranger in thare?' 

" 'Well ! hullow I^what's wanting ? 

'"Won't you take in another traveller? — all's full but you.' 

" 'No — there's only one bed in here, and that's a plaguy narrow 
one.' 

"The landlord, after some unavailing entreaty, went away, but 
soon returned with the pretended traveller; and although they 
meant I should believe only two persons were outside, I knew 
from the whispering there were more, and that confirmed me in 
my suspicions of mischief. 

"The traveller, however, now opened the conference: 

" 'Hullow! I say, mister, in thare, won't you 'commodate?' 

" 'Gentlemen,' said I, in a decided tone, 'nobody can come into 
this room to-night with my consent.' 

" 'Well, d n me, then, if I won't come in whether you like 

it or no: — I've as much right to half a bed as you or any other 
man.' 

" 'If you attempt it, stranger, you may take what comes.' 

"The only answer was a long strain at the door — till at last the 
door was forced a little open, and the rascal got his whole hand in 
and would soon have worked in all his arm ; when, with a single 
thrust, I dashed my dirk right through his hand and pinned him 
that way to the door-cheek. 

"He screamed out, you may be sure, in agony ; but it was in 
vain, I held him fixed as fate : and when the others found it im- 
possible either to relieve him or get at me, they willingly agreed 
and with the most solemn and energetic promises to let me alone 
if I would release their comrade. I took them at their word and 
drew out the dirk, and strange as it may seem, the fellows kept 
their promise — and although, for a day or two I travelled in fear 
of an ambuscade, I was never molested, and by the Divine favour, 
reached home not long after in safety." 

"Mr. Clarence," said Miss Wilmar, "I have heard that you had 



28 THE JOURNEY 

some alarming adventures in the South, and as we are quite in 
the robber vein to-day, may we not hear a story from you?" 

"It would be difficult. Miss Wilmar," replied Clarence, "to 
refuse after such an invitation: but only one part of the story to 
which you probably allude is certainly true — that I was pretty 
well scared; when possibly there was no good reason for alarm. 
However, here is the adventure, and you can judge of probabilities 
for yourselves. 

"On my last visit to South Carolina, being sick of seasickness, 
I determined, winter as it was and contrary to advice, to return to 
Philadelphia by land: — in which mode of travelling, however, if 
the endless and deep lagoons, and bayous, and swamps of the 
lower or coast-road, are considered, there was nearly as much of 
navigation and hazard of wrecking and drowning as in the other 
way, by sea. Indeed, more than once our narrow triangular stage, 
with its two horses, harnessed tandem, did really float a moment : 
— and by night as by day, did we ford the middle of submerged 
roads between drains and ditches, where the water must have 
been four or five feet deep. 

"From Charleston we had not only a new but a new order of 
stage, which though crowded at starting, lost, by the time we 
reached Georgetown, all the passengers but myself and two others. 
These unfortunately were slave-dealers, and of that very sort that 
John Randolph, or my friend here the colonel, would not have 
greatly scrupled to shoot down like any other blood-thirsty brutes. 
Their diversion often was, to entice dogs near the stage and then 
to fire pistol-balls at them — usually, however, without effect, 
owing to the motion of the stage and the sagacity of the dogs. 
Of all wretches, these were superlatively pre-eminent in pro- 
fanity : and this I once had the temerity to tell them, but with no 
good result. Had the ancient persecutors chained Christians to 
such reprobates, the torture to a good and pious man would have 
been the most exquisitely fiendish — if the tormentors could have 
cursed all the time like these demons. 

"Just before leaving Georgetown, I was not a little alarmed, 
on their learning that I was going North, by an abrupt query if 
I had not Philadelphia or New-York money: and then, as this 
could not be denied nor even evaded, by their immediate offer to 



THE JOURNEY 29 

give me Virginia paper for it all and at an enormous premium in 
my favour. From their whole manner I conjectured their Virginia 
notes were counterfeit; which, added to their open and reckless 
wickedness, rendered me uneasy and disposed to interpret their 
subsequent conduct in accordance with my fears. 

"Late at night in a violent storm of snow and sleet we left 
Georgetown. The driver, pretending it was solely for our com- 
fort, had, in order to carry food for his horses, crowded the stage 
body even above the seats with cornblades, like a farm-wagon 
with a load of fodder. I, slender and powerless, of course kept 
still, but the two did not hush down to their muttering state of 
quiescence till after the usual tempest of raving curses ; and then 
we all three crawled in and mixed ourselves with the fodder as we 
best could. Within an hour the driver lay back, and with the 
reins somehow secured in his hands went to sleep — at all events, 
his hat was over his eyes and he snored. And then the men-steal- 
ers, supposing me to be asleep also, began a whispering and rather 
inarticulate colloquy, in which I at length clearly distinguished the 
ominous words — 'Cut his throat!' 

"Good gracious ! Mr. Clarence, and were you not greatly terri- 
fied ?" 

"Yes, greatly at first ; but keeping wide awake and listening with 
my mouth open, I ascertained that the scoundrels did verily intend 
to cut a throat, although not mine : — it was the throat of a poor 
slave that had just given them the slip. Yet dreading lest men 
who could coolly resolve to cut one throat for revenge, might cut 
another for money, I squeezed nearer the driver, and whenever he 
snored, nestled and moved about in the fodder till it waked him. 
So passed most of the night, till shortly before day-break, we 
halted on the edge of a river — perhaps the Pedee — where the 
driver said our journey was at an end till to-morrow ; as the other 
contractor had failed to be there with his stage ! At the same time 
he pointed to a miserable and solitary hut on the bank, where we 
should be well accommodated till the stage arrived! And so I 
had before me a very agreeable prospect — ^twenty- four hours with 
my precious associates — almost alone — in the woods — and on the 
bank of a deep and rapid stream! But the fury of these fellows, 
when the driver's meaning was fully comprehended! — (who had, 



30 THE JOURNEY 

at first, uttered himself in a saucy and indistinct mutter, as he 
untackled his team and we crawled out of the hay-mow) — it 
baffles description And yet, even in the very tempest height and 
rage of their godless words, up stepped my imperturbable man of 
the whip, and with the most invincible gravity and assurance 
demanded, with outstretched and open palm, twenty-five cents 
each ! 

" "Twenty-five damnations! — luhat forf — roared one of them 
in unaffected surprise. 

" 'What for?' — echoed and mimicked the driver, as if amazed 
at a silly question — 'What for! !' — why, the nice bed I made you 
last night out of that 'are fodder thare! 

"This matchless impudence, fun or earnest — it was in fact a 
little of both — was so preposterously ridiculous to me at least, 
that I laughed fairly out in spite of fear and chagrin ; nor was the 
laughter abated by the attitude and amazement of the two slavers. 
Figure them accosted by the driver with his demand in the very 
midst of outrageous cursings and frantic gestures — the pause — the 
call for explanation — it given ; — and there the wretches standing 
a few seconds speechless, not from fear, but dumb with a madness 
that was really unutterable 1 But then, when they could speak, 
out came the unholy torrent as if the prince of darkness had be- 
come incarnate and was spouting forth brimstone and blasphemy? 
And all this time my wonderful driver, cool, grave, unflinching — 
(on his guard evidently, and he was a very athletic fellow) — kept 
at suitable intervals repeating the demand for twenty-five cents 
each for the fodder bed ! till our heroes closed their profane exhi- 
bition, by consigning driver — stage — horses — fodder — contractors 
— and all the Carolinas and the whole pine barren world to the 
swearer's own diabolical father, and his red-hot furnaces, and 
finally hoping and praying that they themselves might be damned 
three or four times over — 'if ever they travelled that road again!' 
To all this Satanic rhetoric my nonpareil of impudence only re- 
plied, and with the most astonishing coolness — 'We never expect 
nobody to travel this zvay but once!' 

"This ended the affair — our heroes were used up. 

"At the hut however we found a man who gave us a few 
sweet potatoes and some rice, and then offered to take us over the 



THE JOURNEY 31 

river in a scow, that we might get to the stage-house about two 
miles across the opposite forest. Here then was a situation any 
thing but pleasant: and the behaviour of the chaps, after we were 
left alone in the woods, did not render it any more so. Among 
other things, they lagged behind together — seemingly engaged, 
whenever I looked around, in an earnest and low conversation, 
their eyes occasionally on me — then they would come up on 
each side of me — one going ahead as if to reconnoitre^till at 
last they evidently had resolved on something of which I suspected 
I was the subject, and advanced to execute it — when, unexpectedly 
to my great relief, a negro man, the first and the only person we 
met that morning, came in sight, driving a horse and cart ! I 
hurried up to the poor negro, and learned that a plantation was on 
our left, and that the stage-tavern was scarcely half-a-mile dis- 
tant. After this the slavers' conduct was less alarming towards 
me ; yet I never felt at ease till we reached Fayetteville, where 
they took another road into Virginia and left me sole occupant of 
the stage. 

"This, Miss Wilmar, is, I confess," continued Clarence, "not 
a very tragic conclusion — but I had rather be here to tell the 
story as it was, than to have Carlton here to tell it in a book as 
it might have been ; and yet perhaps the rascals only meant to 
terrify me as did the wag, on meeting a traveller " 

"How was that, Mr. Clarence?" 

Before Clarence could reply, Mr. Brown exclaimed — "Look 
there ! — look there !" and below us, in the meadows bordering the 
Juniata, was a hunted deer bounding away for life! The timid 
creature ere long leaped into the water, swam some hundred feet 
down the stream, and emerging speeded away to the mountain. 
No pursuers were in sight, and from appearances the poor crea- 
ture escaped for that time: it certainly had our wishes in its 
favour. This incident naturally introduced stories about hunting 
and Indians, with numberless episodial remarks on dogs, rifles, 
shot-guns, tomahawks and the like ; so that when the shadows 
of the mountain began at the decline of day to darken the valleys, 
and silence and thoughtfulness pervaded the party, fancy easily 
brought back the red-man to his ancient haunts and made robbers 
crouch in ambush in every thicket and behind every tree. Yet 



32 THE JOURNEY 

we reached our lodging place in safety, where, late at night, we 
severally retired to bed; and then, if the day had brought Mr. 
Carlton and his amiable wife no danger, they were destined to 
find a somewhat curious adventure at night. And this we shall 
contribute to the chapter as our share of its accidents. 

Our sleeping room was on the first floor, and opened by three 
windows into a piazza; which circumstances, together with the 
stories just narrated to the reader and other matters of the sort, 
inclined us to examine the fastenings before going to bed. The 
bolts were faultless, but the shutters or slappers were so warped 
and swollen that no efforts could induce them to come together and 
be bolted; hence, our only course was to jump into bed, and if 
any thing happened, to do like children — put our heads under the 
covers. In about an hour I was cautiously awakened by Mrs. 
Carlton who whispered in a low and agitated voice : — 

"Oh! my dear!— what's that?— listen!" 

Instead of pulling up the bed-clothes, I sat up to listen; and 
strange — a solemn and peculiar and thrilling note was filling the 
room, swelling and dying away, and changing now to one spot 
and then to another! What could it be? The sound resembled 
nothing I had ever heard except once, and that was in a theatrical 
scene, in which a huge iron wheel turned at the touch of a magi- 
cian and slowly raised the heavy trap door of an enchanted cavern. 
I sprang out of bed and began a search — yet all in vain — I felt 
along the walls, crawled under the bed, poked my head up the 
chimney, and even ventured into the closets — and all the while that 
mysterious noise playing as wild and frightful as ever! At last 
I pushed open the shutters and looked into the piazza; still 
nothing was visible either there or within the room, while the 
strange tones swelled Jouder than ever ! 

Puzzled, but less alarmed, we at last retreated to bed — I say we, 
for Mrs. C. had been trotting after me during the whole search, 
being too cowardly to stay in bed alone even with the covers over 
her head, — we retreated to bed. and after a while, I, at least, fell 
asleep ; but soon I was suddenly and violently awakened by my 
good lady, who in attempting to leap away from something on 
her side, had in extra activity accomplished too much, and landed 
clear over me and out of bed entirely on the floor! 



THE JOURNEY 33 

"Why, Eliza — Eliza! — what? — what is the matter!" 

"Oh! Robert! — listen!" said my wife; in bed again, however, 
and be assured, on the safe side. 

A basin of water we knew stood near Mrs. Carlton's side of 
the bed, and on a small table : — and now into that basin, drop by 
drop, something was trickling! Could it be blood from some 
crack in the floor over us ! With Mrs. C. clinging to me, I went 
to the table, and seizing the basin, carried it hastily to a window, 
and pushing open its shutter, we plainly perceived by the dim 
light that blood it really was — not — 

"Well, what was it, then?" 

Reader! it was a little mouse dead enough now, but which, 
having by accident tumbled into the water, had, by its struggles for 
life, caused what to us then seemed like the trickling down of 
some liquid or fluid substance. 

Day now dawning, and Mrs. C. being willing to stay alone, I 
went into the yard to discover the cause of the mysterious music, 
satisfied that it lay there somewhere; and no sooner did I reach 
the corner of the house than I was fortunate enough to catch 
the very ghost in the act of performing on the extraordinary in- 
strument that had puzzled us with its strange noise. Against the 
house had been nailed part of an iron hoop to support a wooden 
spout ; but the spout had rotted away and fallen down, and the 
projecting hoop was alone. This iron had on it some saline sub- 
stance pleasant to the taste of a quiet old cow ; and there stood the 
matron-like quadruped licking away with very correct time at the 
hoop, and whenever her tongue finished a stroke, and according 
to its intensity, the instrument vibrated, and thus discoursed the 
wondrous music of the enchanter's wheel and trap! Indeed, I 
even tried the performance myself — (not with my tongue) — and 
succeeded, my wife says, and she is a judge of music, succeeded 
as well as the cow herself. And so, dear reader, if this is not "a 
cock and bull story" — it most certainly is — a mouse and a cow 
one. 

Adventures, like misfortunes, are sometimes in clusters. The 
next morning after the descent from some mountain, as our stage 
was entering a small village, we were met by a noble-looking 
young man, mounted on a spirited horse, scarcely broken, and 



34 THE JOURNEY 

certainly not "bridle-wise" — and met exactly on the middle of a 
bridge. This bridge crossed a stream not ordinarily wide or deep, 
but swollen by melting snows it now was foaming and thundering 
along almost a river: it was truly formidable. 

The horse, as we met, stopped, and with ears erect and pointed, 
with nostrils dilated, and eyes fierce and staring, he answered 
every effort to urge him forward only with trembling and fitful 
starting; while the horseman himself sat indifferent to conse- 
quences, and with ease and grace. The man and horse were one. 
At length the rider unable to compel the creature to pass us, at- 
tempted to wheel — when, instead of obeying the bridle, the spirited 
animal reared, and at one superb bound cleared the barrier of the 
bridge, and both rider and horse in an instant disappeared under 
the foaming waters. But scarcely had fright among us uttered its 
exclamations, when up rose that horse, and up rose, too, seated on 
his back, that rider, — ay — seated as though he had never moved 
and the whole performance had been done expressly for exhibi- 
tion ! In a few moments the horseman landed below the bridge,, 
then galloping across the meadow he passed the fence at a flying 
leap, and advancing to the stage now over the bridge, this match- 
less rider taking off his hat and bowing to the party, asked, as if 
the affair had not been purely accidental : — 

"Gentlemen ! which of you can do that?" 

We most heartily congratulated him on his miraculous preser- 
vation, and, as he rode gallantly off, gave him three loud cheers 
for feis unsurpassed coolness and intrepidity. 

Reader! it is yet a long way to Pittsburgh, and I cannot get 
you properly there without telling my own robber story — a pet 
adventure; — or without we skip — but I should like to tell the 
story — 

"Well, Mr. Carlton, we should very much like to hear the 
story — ^but, perhaps, just now we had better — skip." 

Skip it is, then, and all the way to — Pittsburgh. 



CHAPTER VII. 

"Ferrum exercebant vasto Cyclopes in antro 
Brontesque Steropesque et nudus membra Pyracmon. 

* * alii ventosis follibus auras. 

"Accipiunt redduntque : alii stridentio tingunt 
Aera lacu: gemit impositis incudibus antrum. 
Illi inter sese multa vi brachia tollunt 
In numerum, versantque tenaci forcipe massam." 

And be assured, reader, it is not "all smoke" you now see — 
there is some fire here too. This black place reminds us of 
the iron-age — of Jupiter too, and Vulcan and Mount ^tna. Virgil 
would here have found Cyclops and pounders of red-hot thunder- 
bolts sonorous enough to set at work in his musical hexameters. 
And some here make tubes of iron, with alternate and spiral 
"lands and furrows," better by far to shoot than Milton's grand 
and unpatent blunder-busses ; into which his heroic devils put 
unscientifically more powder than probably all burned — but that 
was before the Lyceum age. 

Whenever that soot-cloud is driven before a wind, long streets 
are revealed lined with well-built and commodious dwellings, with 
here and there a stately mansion, and even the dusky palace be- 
longing to some lord of coal-pits and ore-beds. 

Hark ! how enterprise and industry are raging away ! — while 
steam and water-power shake the hills to their very foundation ! — 
and every spot is in a ferment with innumerable workmen as 
busy, and as dingy too, as the pragmatical insects in Virgil's 
poetic ant-hill! Every breeze is redolent with nameless odours 
of factories and work-shops ; and the ear is stunned by the cease- 
less uproar from clatter and clang of cog and wheel — the harsh 
grating of countless rasps and files — the ringing of a thousand 
anvils — the spiteful clickings of enormous shears biting rods of 
iron into nails — the sissing of hot-tongs in water — and the deep 
earthquaking bass of forge-hammers teaching rude masses how 
to assume the first forms of organic and civilized metal ! 

Mr. Brown said he was not yet fully awake, but that he was in 
a dream amid scenes of Birmingham and Sheffield; and that in- 

35 



36 THE VOYAGE 

stead of astonishing the natives, the natives had surprised and 
astonished him. 

Why do some speak disparagingly of Pittsburgh complexion? 
/.$• it ordinarily seen ? The citizens move enveloped in cloud — like 
i^neas entering Carthage — and hence are knovi^n rather by their 
voice than their face. Their voice is immutable, but their face 
changes hourly : hence if the people here are loud talkers, it arises 
from the fact just alluded to, and because loud talking is neces- 
sary to cry down the din of a myriad mingled noises. 

In very civilized districts, ladies owe their sweet looks to what 
is put on their faces ; in this Cyclopean city, sweet looks are owing 
to what is takeyx ojf their faces. Instead, therefore, of advising 
bachelors before popping the question, to catch the inamorata "in 
the suds," we advise to catch her in the soot. If beautiful, then 
let Coelebs bless himself, for he has a gem which water, unlike its 
baleful effect on some faces, will only wash brighter and brighter^ 

As to hearts and manners, if our Mr. Smith be a correct speci- 
men, go reader, live in Pittsburgh. He was a Christian gentle- 
man : and in those two words is condensed all praise. When, as 
was necessary, our party proceeded on the voyage without this 
friend, so great was the vacancy, we seemed alone — alas ! he is no 
more! 



CHAPTER VIII. 

The Voyage. 

"facilis descensus Averni, sed revocare gradum " 

"Easy is it to float down the Ohio — try to float up once !" 

At the time of the voyage, a steamboat was a very vara avis on 
the Ohio river; at least such a smoke-belcher and spit-fire could 
not be found at any hour of the day and night ready to walk off 
with passengers like "the thing of life."^ The usual mode then 

^Navigation by steam on the Ohio was being introduced from 1811 to 
1814. (Turner, F. J., Rise of the New West, p. y:^.) Nicholas J. Roose- 
velt made a voyage by steam down the Ohio and Mississippi in 1809. 
(McMaster, U. S. Vol. IV, p. 401.) But several years elapsed before the 



THE VOYAGE 



Z7 



of going down — (getting up again was quite another affair) — was 
in arks, broad-horns, keel-boats, batteaux, canoes and rafts. Col. 
Wilmar, who knew the way of doing business in these great 
waters, decided in favour of the ark ; and into the ark, therefore, 
we went: viz. Col. Wilmar and his cousin, Mr. Clarence and Mr. 
Brown, and Mr. and Mrs. Carlton, and also the two owners — 
eight souls. Noah's stock of live animals went in to be fed, ours 
went in to be eaten — and we had also smoked hams — so that the 
likeness between us and that remarkable navigator principally 
failed after the number of the sailors was compared. 

Our captain and mate being gone after their own stores, let us 
in the meanwhile examine the mechanique of our ark. And first, 
its foundation, — for the structure is rather a house than a boat, — 
its foundation. This is rectangular and formed of timbers each 
fifteen cubits long, tied by others each eight cubits long; the tim- 
bers being from three to four hands-breadths thick. The side 
beams are united by sleepers, on which is a floor pinned down, 
and as tight as possible, so that when swollen by the water, water 
itself could not get in — except at the cracks, and then it could not 
be got out without the aid of science. Above the first flooring, 
at an interval of a foot, was laid on other joist — (ji<:e) — a second 
floor. Hence by virtue of a primitive pump peculiar to the raft 
and ark era, our "hold" — (and it held water to admiration) — 
could, when necessary, be freed. 

Scantling of uncertain and unequal lengths rose almost per- 
pendicular around the rectangle, being morticed into the founda- 
tion ; and so when, from without, planks were pinned as high as 
necessary against these uprights, the ark had nearly all its shape, 
and all its room. 

This room or space was portioned into cabin and kitchen ; the 
latter intended by the architect to take the lead in the actual navi- 



steam boat method of travel became general on the western rivers and the 
method was still an unusual and expensive one when Hall made the 
voyage in 1822 or 1823. The National Gazette, Sept. 26, 1823, gives a list 
of steamboats, rates of passage, estimate of products, at approximately the 
time of Hall's journey. See, also, Annals of Congress, 17 Cong, 2 Sess., 
p. 407, nd Niles Register, XXV, 95, and Preble's Steam Navigation, cited 
by Turner, pp. 73, 103. 



38 THE VOYAGE 

gation, but which in a struggle for pre-eminence would often tech- 
nically slue round, and yield that honour to the cabin. 

Next the kitchen. In one part was a hearth of brick and sand, 
and furnished with three iron bars that straddled their lower ex- 
tremities to the edges of the hearth, and united their upper ones 
over its centre or thereabouts. And this contrivance was to sus- 
tain in their turn our — hem! — "culinary utensils?" — ay — yes — 
culinary utensils. Forwards were the fin-holes, and behind these 
and projecting towards the cabin, were boxes as berths for the 
captain and mate. The fins — (improperly by some called horns) 
— where rude oars, which passing out of the opposite fin-holes 
just named, used when moved to flap and splash each side the 
kitchen ; and by these the ark was steered, kept kitchen end fore- 
most, brought to land, and kept out of harm's way — the last re- 
quiring pretty desperate pulling, unless we began half an hour be- 
fore encountering an impediment, or escaping a raft. The fins 
would, indeed, sometimes play in a heavy sort of frolic to get 
us along faster; but usually they were idle, and we were left to 
float with the stream from three to four miles in an hour. 

The cabin, like other aristocrats, had the large space, and was 
planked two cubits higher than the other places, and covered with 
an arched roof on their boards to ward off sun, direct and perpen- 
dicular rain. Against sun and rain oblique, it was often no bar- 
rier. The cabin was also sub-divided into parlour and state room." 
The latter was for the ladies' sole use, being sumptuously furnish- 
ed with a double box or berth, a toilette made of an upturned flour 
barrel, and similar elegancies and conveniences, and a window 
looking up-stream; which window was a cubit square and had a 
flapper or slapper hung with leathern hinges and fastened with a 
pin or wooden bolt. The parlour contained the male boxes or 
sleeperies; and was the place where we all boarded — but here 
comes the captain and his mate, and we shall be oflf in what they 
call a jiffey — i. e. in a moment or two. Among other articles, 
these persons brought a coflfee-mill, a saw, about half a bushel 
of sausages, and above all, a five gallon keg, which the captain 
himself hugged up under his arm next the heart. What was in it 
I do not exactly know — it could not have been water, not having 
a watery smell, and beside we all drank river water — it must then 
remain a secret. 



THE VOYAGE 39 

Reader! all is ready! Oh! how soft the blossom-scented balmy- 
air is breathing! See! the sun light dancing from one sparkling 
ripple to another ! A most delicious April morning is inviting us 
with the blandest smiles to come and float on the beauteous river 
far, far away to the boundless prairies and the endless forests of 
the New World ! Yes ! yes ! here is a vision real — and in the 
midst of fragrance, and flowers, and sunshine, and with those we 
love for comrades, and those we love awaiting us, we are entering 
the land, the glorious land of sunsets ! Ah ! Clarence — I wonder 
not at that tear — 

"Bill ! slue round your 'are side there and we're oflf," interrupted 
the captain, addressing his mate. Bill, of course, performed that 
curious manoeuvre with great nautical skill, and off we were : first 
one end struggling for the precedence and then the other, with 
alternate fins dipping and splashing, till the ark reached the con- 
fluence of the Alleghany and Monongehala; and then one grand 
circular movement accomplished that forced the lordly cabin to 
the rear, away, away, we floated, kitchen in the van down on the 
current of the noble, beauteous, glorious Ohio! 

Farewell ! Pittsburgh, last city of the east ! Long may the din 
and the smoke of thy honest enterprise be heard and seen by the 
voyager far down the flood ! Farewell ! — the earth-born clouds 
are veiling thee even now ! There ! I see thee again ! — Oh ! the 
flash of that tall spire sending back the sunbeam, like gleams of 
lightning from a thunder cloud ; — it gleams again — we change our 
course — and all is dark! — Pittsburgh! Farewell. 
****** 

"Ladies and gentlemen" said the Colonel, after we were fairly 
under weigh, "suppose we proceed to arrange our domestic estab- 
lishment, each agreeing to perform his part either assumed by 
himself, or imposed on him by vote — (he, his, him, were used in 
the sense of homo — and were so understood by the ladies al- 
though unacquainted with Latin and lectures) — and so suppose 
we have a regular assembly — 

"I move Col. Wilmar take the chair,"— said Mr. Brown. And 
this being seconded by Mrs. Carlton, the Colonel took the chair 
the best way he could ; and that was only metaphorically by mov- 



40 THE VOYAGE 

ing off a little from the common members and leaning against a 
berth. Miss Wilmar was next elected Secretary, and accommo- 
dated with a trunk for a seat, and using her lap as a table, she 
prepared to record in her pocket book the resolutions of the 
household house. 

Mr. Brown then was nominated as cook; but as he insisted that 
he could cook "never a bit of a male but only roast potatoes," 
and we had unluckily no potatoes stored, the important office was 
after due deliberation bestowed on the chairman himself. This 
was, indeed, very humbly declined by the Colonel, who left the 
chair (calling thither for the time Mr. Clarence,) to exhibit in a 
very handsome speech his unworthiness ; yet it was at last unan- 
imously decided in his favour, and mainly on the argument of 
Mr. Carlton, that the Colonel had doubtless learned cooking in his 
campaigns and when hunting. From some inaccuracy in wording 
the resolutions, however, the business after all only amounted 
to the cook's having to carry the victuals to and from the kitchen 
— lift the culinary articles about — and poke the fire at the order 
of the ladies. 

Next came a resolution that the ladies should prepare the cook- 
ables — i. e. stuff the chickens with filling — ^beat eggs for puddings, 
and the like. Then it was ordered that Clarence, Brown and 
Carlton should in turn set the table — clean plates, &c, — or in a 
word — ^be scullions. The dignity of history forbids me to conceal, 
that spite of all our scouring, and wiping and washing, the 
cleaned articles retained an unctuous touch, and looked so 
streaked, that at meals the ladies deemed a polish extra necessary. 
But non possumus onnia, you know, reader — i. e. we cannot all 
clean dishes, as the Latins say. 

There were also other resolutions, such as, that the gentlemen 
rise betimes and make their beds before the appearance of the 
ladies; that two by two they should take the skiff and go to 
market, i. e. buy at the cabins on the banks whatever they had 
for sale that was eatable, viz., milk, butter, cheese, eggs, chickens, 
ducks, venison hams cured, and fresh venison, &c. &c. The stores 
laid in at Pittsburgh were smoked meats, sausages, flour, cornmeal, 
tea, coffee, sugar, salt, spices sweatmeats, some fruits, and many 
other things unknown to Noah. We had also our own plates, 



THE VOYAGE 41 

knives, lead spoons, and a superb Dutch-looking set of Pitts- 
burgh Liverpool ware for tea and breakfast service. For a 
"consideration" the captain allowed us the use of his big pot, 
skillet, and Dutch oven ; we had our own coffee-pot and other 
tins. 

From our nicnacries - we often supplied the captain's table with 
a desert; and finally, when about six hundred miles down the 
river, these extemporaneous sailors received the $16 paid for our 
passage, they became residuary heirs to all our unbroken crockery 
and hardware, and to the remnant of our flour and smoked meats. 
The goodies had disappeared two hundred miles higher. 

After the adjournment of our assembly, we proceeded to ar- 
range the cabin as described, spending the whole day in "fixing;" 
an Americanism extended to unfixing, removing, and deranging, 
as well as to placing and rendering permanent. But at ten o'clock, 
p. M., the pitchy darkness rendered longer floating hazardous, and 
we accordingly came, not to anchor, but to a tie, i. e. working 
the ark to the nearest bank, we tied her (an ark contains, if it 
does not breed) tied her to a tree, and in the very way formerly 
done by the pious yEneas and his wandering Trojans. Yet we 
did not, as those heroes, sleep on the sand or the grass, but retired 
to our berths or boxes, setting a watch, however, to guard against 
two dangers of diametrically opposite characters. First, it was 
necessary to take care that the tie-rope neither got loose nor 
broke, when we should float off into the perils of a dark river — 
that is, find too much water; and, secondly, we must watch the 
subsidence of the river, lest she (the ark) be left grounded some 
two or three feet from her natural element — that is, lest we find 
too little water: a bad fix in English-English as in American- 
English. 

It is very delightful when travellers go to sleep content in 
being one hundred miles advanced in their journey by the time 
they are called to breakfast ; but not so with the party — we went 
to bed of necessity and slept on system. True, we awoke, and 
got up, and ate breakfast and dinner, and even tea and supper, 
and played away the intervals at checkers with white and red 
corns, and then tried push-pin and tee-totum — and tried to read, 

2 Nicknacks. 



42 THE VOYAGE 

and wished for fishing-lines and guns — and walked up the bank 
and then walked down again, whistling every now and then 
most devoutly, not for wind, but against it: but alas! the wind 
would not be whistled against, — it continued to blow all day 
long dead ahead up stream, as if it had never heard us ; and there 
we were all day, all the evening, and part of the night, in the 
self-same identical spot where we came to a tie at ten o'clock, 
p. M., the night before! And that was deservedly called a pretty 
considerable of a fix. This happened often enough, however, on 
other occasions, to practice and improve our patience. 

One day, when thus wind-bound about two hundred miles 
below the first fix, all the common expedients of beguilement being 
tried and exhausted, Colonel Wilmar proposed marbles — of which 
he had made a large purchase for his little sons. And at it we 
went with the zest of boyhood. Happy day! how the blue-col- 
oured gentry, that haunt the inactive, took wing at the sound of 
our merry and innocent shouts and laughter ! No human habita- 
tion was in sight; and forests that told their age by centuries 
stretched their giant-arms over our ring; and from their venerable 
depths Echo, for the first time since the creation, called back, in 
amazement, the words of our game, to her more incomprehensible 
than the heathenish terms of the native Indians! Oh! how she 
reiterated "Man-lay ! — Clearings ! — 'fen ! — knuckle-down ! — toy 
bone ! — go to baste ! ( ?) — fat ! — histings ! — comins about ! — hit 
black alley! — knock his nicker! — 'tan't fair! — you cheat! — my 
first — cum multis aliis !" These terms are spelled according 
to nature — indeed, my soul becomes indignant when I find print- 
ed, instead of that spirit-stirring, frank-hearted "Hurraw!" 
that pitiful, sneaking, soulless, civilized, ''Huzza". Dare any 
man say that sounds like the thing? No more than it looks like 
it. Freeman let nice, pretty, mincing, lady-like dandies huzza! 
by note — do you ever cry out Hurraw! ex-tempore. 

But at length we waked something more substantial than that 
bodiless noun — Echo ; for lo ! on a sudden came answers, very 
near and very distinct, if not very melodious, and from the top 
of the idential bank beneath which we were playing. We looked 
up, and there stood two hunters, long silent spectators of the 
strange game, but who having imbibed the fun of the thing, were 
now laughing and roaring away as merry as our party ! 



THE VOYAGE 43 

After the wind had blown out, we weighed anchor, that is, un- 
tied ark, and floated away till after midnight, when some clouds 
so increased the darkness as to prevent our seeing snags, sawyers 
and planters, and also the ripples indicative of shallows, and we 
tied again. Perhaps it may be proper here to say a word relative 
to the above-named impediments in the Western waters. 

A planter is the trunk of a tree, perpendicular or inclined, with 
one end fixed or planted immoveable in the bottom of the river, 
and the other above or below the surface, according to the state 
of the water. A snag is a miniature or youthful planter, or 
sometimes it is made by an upright branch of a large tree itself 
imbedded horizontally in the bottom. A sazvyer is either a long 
trunk, or more commonly an entire tree, so fixed that its top plays 
up and down with the current and the wind, and is therefore 
periodically perilous to the navigator. Ripples are often indices 
of an ascending sawyer, and also of shoals, as one approaches 
islands wholly or partially submerged. Large and heavy rafts 
frequently go against and over most of the smaller obstacles with 
impunity, but arks like ours would have been staved ; so our night 
floating especially was never free from jeopardy. 

I shall not inflict our whole log-book on the reader and his 
friends : — how often we tied and untied — went ashore after 
butter and eggs and the cum multis — nor how it was once my lot 
to be with Mr. Brown in the skiff when he could not, owing to his 
extreme longitude, trim boat, and how the vixen of a boat threat- 
ened to upset, and I had to pull both oars till, weary and long 
after dark, we overtook our ark, where fears began to be enter- 
tained about us. No, no, — why should we trespass on patience 
with the account of our cookery ; our batter cakes, eggs and ham, 
biscuit and loaf, johnny cakes, steaks, filled chickens, plum pud- 
dings, and the curious dish of what-nots? And yet it was really 
marvellous that our endless varieties could all be turned out of 
four utensils : viz. a tea-kettle and a dutch oven, and a big pot, 
and a little skillet. Mrs. Goodfellow did well enough with all 
her fixtures — but it was reserved for our ladies to cook, what 
most cooks and confectioners knew nothing about — the multum 
in parvo. Let me, then, in place of the whole log, introduce a 
new friend. 



44 THE VOYAGE 

In the third day of the descent we began to overhaul an ark, a 
size ( ?) less than ours ; but this ark, instead of getting out of the 
way, was evidently striving to get into it ; and so, arrived within 
speaking distance, we were hailed from the strange float with a 
proposition to link arks. Longing for something new, and ap- 
prised that combined arks floated better than single ones, our 
assent was instantly given, and then our arks were soon amicably 
united and floating side by side. And what would you imagine 
the neighbour ark contained? A solitary male Yankee! Ay, and 
such a merry, facetious, fearless, handy, 'cute specimen of the 
genus as, I guess, was never encountered. 

This wonderful biped had left the land of deacons, hard cider, 
and other steady habits, in imitation of Jack in the good old-fash- 
ioned story book — to seek his fortune ; and now, after trying his 
luck in twenty different places, and in as many different and even 
opposite ways, behold ! here was Do-tell-I-zvant-to-knozv,^ lord of 
.1 whole ark, a solitary Noah floating to a new world at the far 
end of a flood, if not beyond one ! He had cast ofif at Pittsburgh 
some hours before ourselves, and had sung, whistled, rowed and 
eaten his way alone, till we overtook him, when he had hailed us in 
a very jocose and half singing style, and then brought up his ark 
with a laugh and a tune. "He was tired," he said, "of his com- 
pany, and had ought to get into better society, — and seeing we 
were in a tarnation tearing hurry, he had ought to tow us down 
to what-d'-ye-call-the-place ? — and as he didn't intend taking ad- 
vantage of our weakness, he wouldn't ask any thing for his help — 
except his boarding and a dollar a day." 

What-say, however, was very far from vulgarity, and towards 
ladies, very respectful ; still, he was a choice specimen of the uni- 
versal nation, and Mr. Brown looked on him with astonishment 
for his peculiarities, but with respect for his independence and 
enterprise. Our hero's name was, oddly enough. Smith. And 
as he was always called among us by his surname, I forget whether 
he told that his Christian name was Thankful or Preserved — his 

^ "Do tell !" "I want to know !" were common exclamations of some 
"down east Yankees" upon hearing any surprising narrative or startling 
piece of news. 



THE VOYAGE 45 

cognomen, however, was destined to be a proper noun, for our 
Yankee was, par excellence, the Smith. 

Notwithstanding his demand for boarding, we could not in- 
duce him to eat with us, anxious as we were to pay, if not for 
towing services, yet for fun. True, he could apply "soft sawder" 
very judiciously, and indeed, even sometimes out-general Mr. 
Brown : who, to tell the truth, could "do the nate thing with the 
blarney" himself. I shall make no attempt to record their quirks, 
and quizzes, and repartees, and puns — good things of the sort, like 
soda-water, had better be taken at the fountain. What became 
of Smith when we parted at Limestone, I never learned. But 
never do I hear of a Smith pre-eminent in handicraft, from simple 
clock-making all the way up to patent nutmeg making; or in the 
give-and-take-line, from limited auctioneering to enlarged, and 
liberal, and locomotive peddling of notions ; or in modern litera- 
ture, from magazine writing clean up to magnetisms and ly- 
ceums, that Noah Smith of the little ark comes not in remem- 
brance. Verily, if not really metamorphosed, as I sometimes 
guess, into Sam Slick or Jonathan his brother, he certainly is, if 
living — a very Slick Feller. 

The twin arks, as our sailors became bolder and more skilful 
or rash, were allowed at last, the wind permitting, to float all 
night. One night Smith, then our Palinurus, suddenly beat to 
quarters, by drumming his heels against the partition and ringing 
his skillet with the only weapon he carried, — an oyster knife worn 
usually in his bosom like a dirk, and with its handle exposed. 
At the same time, as accompaniment, he whistled "Yankee doodle" 
in superb style, and then exchanged his whistling to the singing 
of this extemporaneous lyric: — 

"Get up, good sirs, get up I say, 
And rouse ye, all ye sleepers ; 
See ! down upon us comes a thing 
To make us use our peepers. 

Yankee doodle, &c. 

"Yet what it is, I cannot tell — 
But 'tis as big as thunder ; 
Ah! if it hits our loving arks, 
We'll soon be split asunder. 
Yankee doodle," &c. 



46 THE VOYAGE 

Roused we were, yet, misled by the manner of our pilot, not 
as fast as the case really demanded: for just then the ladies 
looking from their little window up the river, cried out in great 
alarm, "Col. Wilmar! — Mr. Carlton! — make haste! — something 
is coming down like an island broke loose ! — it is almost on us !" 
Of course the fins were soon manned, and flapped and splashed 
with very commendable activity, and just in time to escape the 
end of an immense raft now sweeping past and within a very few 
inches of Smith's side; while four or five men on the raft were 
labouring away at their sweeping oars, showing that our escape 
was due to their exertions, and not our own. Smith, however, 
who had, it seems, made his calculation, as soon as he perceived 
the raft likely to pass very near, now leaped upon it with a rope 
in his hand ; and with the permission of the men, and indeed with 
their assistance too, held on till he gained the far end of the 
great float, when, our arks made fast behind it, we began to go 
a-head in earnest. 

Safe now from all attacks in the rear — for nothing could out- 
float us — and bidding defiance to planter, snag, and sawyer, we 
boxed ourselves up for the remainder of the night and enjoyed a 
profound sleep, awakening in due season to the full reality of 
our improved condition. And here, writing in the very noon of 
gas and steam, I do deliberately say, after all my experience of 
cars and boats, that for a private party of the proper sort nothing 
is so delightful, so exhilarating, so truly bewitching to travel in, 
as twin-arks towed along by an almost endless raft. To say noth- 
ing of our state room for ladies, parlour for company, kitchen 
for cookery, and Smith's whole ark extra for dining and sitting 
— there was our grand promenade deck on the raft, — a deck, full 
three hundred feet long and fifty broad! What cared we for 
bursting boilers ; — what for snag and sawyer? And if any serious 
injury happened to one of the trio, or even two, the third un- 
harmed afforded retreat and shelter. In comfort, convenience, and 
freedom, two arks and a long raft carry away the palm. 

Indeed, our flotilla was truly poetic and romantic. And never 
before, certainly never since, was there or has there been such a 
season; it was an old-fashioned April, and of the most delicious 
sort. Spring her very self was enticed by it from her southern 



THE VOYAGE 



47 



retreats, and came to meet and conduct us to her beauteous do- 
mains. How bright and warm and soft the sunlight of that sea- 
son ! encouraging flower and leaf to unfold their modest glories to 
the genial rays ! Did a bank of clouds rest on the horizon? That 
was no portent of storm : it was only that a single cloud might be 
detached to sprinkle river and hill with "the sunshiny shower that 
won't last an hour!" Oh, the joy! then, to watch the contest 
between the rainbow-tinted drops and misty sunshine, — the con- 
test for victory ! And how the fish leaped out to catch a pure 
crystal drop before it fell and mingled with the flood of turbid 
waters! And the birds — they plunged into the shower of liquid 
light, bathing their plumage of gold and scarlet and purple, till it 
seemed burnished still brighter in such a bath ! 

But the sunsets, and the twilight ! The witchery then entranced 
the very soul! All of poetry, and of shadowy forms, and of 
sinless elysium, — all of magic in musings and dreams — all was 
embodied there ! The etherial floated on the river's bosom, while 
its now unruffled waters floated our rude vessels. It dwelt in 
the dark mirror, where shadows of cliflf and forest pointed to a 
depth down, down away, far beyond the sounding-line. It was 
melting in the blazing river, whence farewell rays were reflected 
as the sun hid behind some tall and precipitous headland. Ayf 
we heard the unearthly in the whispers of eddying waters sport- 
ing around us ; and in the sweet and thrilling evening songs of 
happy birds ! We saw it, till the soul was phrenzied, as gliding 
past one island, another in front arose to intercept, and we were 
seemingly shut within a fairy lake, never to find an egress ! And 
here when the breath of day was done, and the songs of the birds 
hushed, and Wilmar or Clarence was seated on the raft and with 
a flute — oh the pure, sweet, plaintive, joyous, wild, ravishing 
cries of the echoes ! 

If one would hear the "magic flute," it must be as then and 
there. The Muses haunted then the forest-clad banks and cliflFs ; 
and startled and pleased with the melody of a strange instrument, 
they caught its strains — and called to one another, imitating its 
tones, till they died away in the distance. Years after I passed 
up and down that same river in steamboats — but in vain did I 
look for the visions and listen for the strains of the by-gone 



48 THE VOYAGE 

evenings. Alas ! April had such showers no more ! The noise and 
fierce and fiery spirit of the steamers had driven away the gentle 
birds and heavenly echoes — and with an oppressed and melancholy 
heart I heard, returning from the banks, only the angry roar of 
deserted and sullen and indignant forests ! 

The seventh day was at its close, when we deemed ourselves 
so near Limestone (the modern Maysville), that it was deter- 
mined to send the colonel and the author in the skiff to that place, 
in order to have arrangements made before the arrival of the 
grand flotilla ; — for there the raft was to be broken up and scat- 
tered, and so was our party. Accordingly, before day-break on 
the eighth morning, we set off with the skiff, agreeing to row 
and steer alternately, each a mile, as near as could be guessed at : 
and this agreeable alternation was called — spelling one another. 
At the end of nine spells, we discovered on a bank, just about 
"sunup," a full grown male Buckeye, a little in advance of his 
cabin, watching our progress — we hailed : 

"Hallow ! — how far to Limestone ?" * 

"Ten miles." 

Ten miles! — we had thought it now about a mile — but the 
recitation in rowing was not yet ended ; and so we went to spell- 
ing it ten times more. We were, of course, perfect by the time 
we did reach Limestone; at all events, I was so pleased with my 
improvement, that from that hour I have never touched an oar! 
In about an hour after the colonel and Mr. Carlton arrived at 
port, the raft, its caboose in the centre, and our arks in its rear, 
hove in sight; and we hurried to the landing with separate con- 
veyances hired for our separate journeys: 

****** 

Reader! which way will you go? With the gallant colonel and 
the lovely Miss Wilmar, and the faithful Mr. Clarence to Lexing- 
ton? or will you stay with Mr. Brown and Mr. Smith at Lime- 
stone? or will you not accompany Mr. and Mrs. Carlton to the 
New Purchase? Perhaps you prefer to shake hands with all: — 
we, however, of the party found that no easy task. Many were 

* Probably Louisville. The Halls drove north through Indiana from 
New Albany. 



THE SEARCHING 49 

our pretexts for lingering — till at last all pretences exhausted — 
with emotion, ay, with tears that ivould come, hands were grasped 
— good wishes exchanged — and we uttered with tremulous voices 
Farewell ! 



CHAPTER IX. 
The Searching. 

"In medias res " 

"Floundering into mud holes " 

"Who could have dreamed, my dear," said Mrs. C. to her 
husband, "these forests so picturesque when seen from the Ohio, 
concealed such roads?" 

Mr. C. made no reply; although the phenomenon was cer- 
tainly very remarkable; — in fact, his idea about the Muses was 
passing in review — and he thought, maybe after all, it was some- 
thing else that had echoed the flute notes. The lady's query, how- 
ever, and the gentleman's silence occurred about thirty miles 
due north of the Ohio River, in a very new State of the far west. 
They were seated in a two-horse Yankee cart, — a kind of mongrel 
dearborne — amid what was now called their "plunder" — with a 
hired driver on the front seat, and intending to find, if possible, a 
certain spot in a very uncertain part of the New Purchase — about 
one hundred and twenty honest miles in the interior, and beyond 
Shining River. This was the second day of practice in the 
elementary lessons of forest travelling; in which, however, they 
had been sufficiently fortunate as to get a taste of "buttermilk 
land," — "spouty land," — and to learn the nature of "mash land" — 
"rooty and snaggy land" — of mud holes, ordinary and extraordi- 
nary — of quick sands — and "corduroys" woven single and double 
twill — and even fords with and without bottom. 

The autumn is decidedly preferable for travelling on the virgin 
soil of native forests. One may go then mostly by land and find 
the roads fewer and shorter ; but in the early spring, branches — 
(small creeks) — are brim full, and they hold a great deal; con- 



50 THE SEARCHING 

cealed fountains bubble up in a thousand places where none were 
supposed to lurk; creeks turn to rivers, and rivers to lakes, and 
lakes to bigger ones; and as if this was too little water, out come 
the mole rivers that have burrowed all this time under the earth, 
and which, when so unexpectedly found are styled out there — 
"lost rivers!"^ And every district of a dozen miles square has a 
lost river. Travelling by land becomes of course travelling by 
water, or by both : viz., mud and water. Nor is it possible if one 
would avoid drowning or suffocation to keep the law and follow 
the blazed road ; but he tacks first to the right and then to the left, 
often making both losing tacks ; and all this, not to find a road 
but a place where there is no road, — untouched mud thick enough 
to bear, or that has at least some bottom. 

Genuine Hoosiers, Corn-crackers, et id omne genus — (viz. all 
that sort of geniuses) — lose comparatively little time in this spe- 
cies of navigation ; for such know instinctively where it is proper 
to quit the submerged road of the legislature, and where they 
are likely to fulfill the proverb "out of the frying pan into the 
fire." And so we, at last, in utter despair of finding royal road 
to the New Purchase, did enter souse into the most-ill-looking, 
dark-coloured morasses, enlivened by steams of purer mud cross- 
ing at right angles, and usually much deeper than we cared to 
discover. 

The first night we had stayed at a "public;" yet while the 
tavern was of brick, candour forces me to record that affairs 
so much resembled the hardware and crockery in their streaked 
and greasy state after Messrs. Brown & Co. had cleaned them, 
that we were rejoiced — prematurely however — when morning 
allowed us half-refreshed to resume our land tacking. But 
more than once afterwards did we sigh even for the comforts 
of the Brick Tavern, with its splendid sign of the sun rising and 
setting between two partitions of paint intended for hills ; and 
which sun looked so much like spreading rays, that a friend 
soberly asked us afterward — "H we didn't put up the first night 
at the sign of the Fan?" 

^ Lost river in Indiana runs west through Orange County, near French 
Lick, emptying into the West Fork of White 'River. Hall crossed it on 
his way to the Purchase. 



THE SEARCHING 51 

It was now after sunset on our second day, that we inquired 
with much anxiety at a miserable cabin, how far it was to the 
next tavern, and we were answered — "A smart bit yet — maybe 
more nor three miles by the blaze — but the most powerfullest 
road !" Since early morning we had, with incessant driving, 
done nearly twenty miles ; if then we had, in a bad road, done by 
daylight about one and a half miles per hour, how were we likely 
to do three miles in the dark, and over what a native styled — 
the "most powerfullest road?" Hence, as the lady of the cabin 
seemed kind, and more than once expressed compassion for "my 
womin body" — (so she called Mrs. C.) and as she "allowed" 
we had better stop where we were, with a sudden and very re- 
spectful remembrance of the Rising or Setting Fan Tavern, we 
agreed to halt. And so — at long last — we were going really 
and actually to pass a night in a veritable, rite-dite, cabin ! ^ — in 
a vast forest too — and far enough from all the incumbrances of 
eastern civilization ! 

"And did you not thrill Mr. Carlton?" 

"I rather think, dear reader, — I did" ; — at least I felt some 
sort of a shiver; especially as the gloom of the frightful shades 
increased; and the deafening clangour of innumerable rude 
frogs in the mires and on the trees arose; and the whirl and 
hum and buzz of strange, savage insects and reptiles, and of 
winged and unwinged bugs, began and increased and grew still 
louder; and vapours damp, chilly and foetid ascended and came 
down ; and the only field in sight was a few yards of "clearing," 
stuck with trunks of "deadened" trees and great stumps blacken- 
ed with the fires ! And I think the thrill, or whatever it was, 
grew more and more intense on turning towards the onward 
road, and finding a suspicion in my mind that it only led to the 
endless repetition of the agreeable night scene around us — ah ! 
ha! — maybe so — and then came retrospective visions of friends 
in the far East now — till — "what?" — I hardly know what — till 
something, however, like a wish came, that it were as easy to fioat 
up the Ohio as down. Heyho! 

Nor was the cabin a fac-simile of those built in dreams and 

2 In the second edition this is spelled "ritj-dity cabin," — a true back- 
woods cabin, "all right." 



52 THE SEARCHING 

novels and magazines. Mine were of bark, and as neat as a 
little girl's baby house! This had, indeed, bark enough about, 
but still not put up right. It was in truth a barbarous rectangle 
of unhewed and unbarked logs, and bound together by a gigantic 
dove-tailing called notching. The roof was thick ricketty 
shingles, called clapboards ; which when clapped on were held 
down by longitudinal poles kept apart by shorter pieces placed 
between them perpendicularly. The interstices of the log-wall 
were "chinked" — the "chinking" being large chips and small 
slabs dipping like strata of rocks in geology ; and then on the 
chinking was the "daubing" — viz. a quant. sufT. of yellow clay 
ferociously splashed in soft by the hand of the architect, and 
then left to harden at its leisure. Rain and frost had here, how- 
ever, caused mud daubing to disappear; so that from without 
could be clearly discerned through the wall, the light of fire and 
candle, and from within, the light of sun, moon and stars — a 
very fair and harmless tit for tat. 

The chimney was outside the cabin and a short distance from 
it. This article was built, as chaps, in raining weather, make 
on the kitchen hearth stick houses of light wood, — it consisted 
of layers of little logs reposing on one another at their corners 
and topped ofiF when high enough with flag stones: — it was, 
morever, daubed, and so admirably as to look like a mud stack ! 
That, however, was, as I afterwards found inartistical — the 
daubing of chimneys correctly being a very nice task, although 
just as dirty as even political daubing. 

The inside cabin was one room below and one loft above 
— to which, however, was no visible ascent. — I think the folks 
climbed up at the corner. The room contained principally beds, 
the other furniture being a table, "stick chairs" and some stools 
with from two to three legs apiece. Crockery and calabashes 
shared the mantel with two dangerous looking rifles and their 
powder horns. The iron ware shifted for itself about the fire 
place, where awkward feet feeling for the fire or to escape it, 
pushed kettle against pot and skillet against dutch oven. 

What French cook committed suicide because something was 
not done "to a turn?" Ample poetic justice may be done to 
his wicked ghost by some smart writer, in chaining him with an 



THE SEARCHING 53 

iambic or two to the jamb of that cabin hearth — there for ever 
to be a witness of its cookery. Here came first the pettish out- 
cries of two matron hens dangled along to a hasty execution ; 
then notes of preparation sung out by the tea-kettle; then was 
jerked into position the dutch oven straddling with three short legs 
over the burning coals ; and lastly the skillet began sputtering 
forth its boiling lard, or grease of some description. The in- 
struments ready, the hostess aided by a little barefooted daughter, 
and whose white hair was whisped at the top of the head with 
a string and horn comb, the hostess put into the oven, balls of 
wet corn meal, and then slapped on the lid red hot and covered 
with coals, with a look and motion equal to this sentence — "Get 
out of that, till you're done." Then the two fowls, but a moment 
since kicking and screeching at being killed, were doused into the 
skillet into hot oil, where they moved around dismembered, as if 
indignant now at being fried. 

We travellers shifted quarters repeatedly during these solemn 
operations, sometimes to get less heat, sometimes more, and 
sometimes to escape the fumes direct ; but usually, to get out of 
the way. That, however, being impracticable, we at length sat 
extempore, and were kicked and jostled accordingly. In the 
meanwhile our landlady, in whom was much curiosity, a little 
reverence, and a misty idea that her guests were great folks, and 
towards whom as aristocrats it was republican to feel enmity,, 
our landlady maintained at intervals a very lively talk, as for ex- 
ample : 

"From Loo'ville, I allow!" --', 

"No— from Philadelphia." 

A sudden pause — a turn to look at us more narrowly, while 
she still affectionately patted some wet meal into shape for the 
oven. 

"Well ! — now ! — I wonder ! — hem ! — Come to enter land, 'spose 
— powerful bottom on the Shining — heavy timber, though. He's 
your old man, mam?" 

Mrs. C. assented. The hostess then stooped to deposit the 
perfect ball, and continued: 

"Our wooden country's mighty rough, I allow, for some folks 
— right hard to get gals here, mam — folks has to be their own 
niggurs, mam — what mought your name be?" 



54 THE SEARCHING 

Mrs. C. told the lady, and then in a timid and piteous sort 
of tone inquired if girls could not be hired by the year? To 
this the landlady replied at first with a stare — then with a smile 
— and then added : 

"Well ! sort a allow not — most time, mam, you'll have to work 
your own ash-hopper" — (viz. a lie-cask, or, rather, an inverted 
pyramidical box to contain ashes, resembling a hopper in a mill) 
— "Nan" — (name of little flax head) — "Nan, sort a turn them 
thare chickins." 

And thus the cabin lady kept on doing up her small stock of 
English into Hoosierisms and other figures ; now, with the ques- 
tion direct — now, with the question implied; then, with a solil- 
oquy — then, an apostrophe : and all the time cleaning and cutting 
up chickens, making pones, and working and wriggling among 
pots, skillets and people's limbs ( ?) and feet, with an adroitness 
and grace gained by practice only ; and all this, without upsetting 
any thing, scalding any body, or even spilling any food — except- 
ing, maybe, a little grease, flour and salt. Nor did she lose time 
by dropping down curtsey fashion to inspect the progress of 
things baked or fried ; but she bent over as if she had hinges in 
the hips, according to nature doubtless, but contrary to the 
Lady's Book ; although the necessary backward motion to balance 
the head projected beyond the base, did render garments short 
by nature still shorter, as grammarians would say, by position. 

Corn-bread takes its own time to bake; and therefore it was 
late when the good woman, having placed the "chicken fixins" 
on a large dinner-plate, and poured over them the last drop of 
unabsorbed and unevaporated oil, set all on the table, and then, 
giving her heated and perspiring face a last wipe with the corner 
of ^er tow-linen apron, and also giving her thumb and finger 
a rub on the same cleanser, she sung out the ordinary summons : 
"Well! come, sit up." 

This sit-up we instantly performed — as well, at least, as we 
could — while she stood up to pour out the tea, complimenting all 
the time its quality, saying — " 'Tisn't nun of your spice-wood 
or yarb stuff, but the rele gineine store tea." Nanny remained 
near the dutch oven to keep us supplied with red-hot pones, or 
corn-balls — and hard enough by the way, to do execution from 



THE SEARCHING 55 

cannon. The teacups used held a scant pint; and to do exact 
justice to each cup, the mistress held the teapot in one hand and 
the water-pot in the other, pouring from both at once till the 
cup was brim-full of the mixture: — an admirable system of im~ 
partiality, and if the pots had spouts of equal diameters, the very 
way to make precisely "half and half." But sorry am I to say, 
that on the present occasion, the water-pot had the best and easiest 
delivery. 

"And could you eat, Mr. Carlton?" 

How could we avoid it, Mr. Nice? Besides, we were most 
vulgarly hungry. And the consequence was, that, at the arrival 
of the woodman and his two sons, other corn-bread was baked, 
and, for want of chicken, bacon was fried. 

"But how did you do about retiring?" 

We men-folks, my dear Miss, went out to see what sort of 
weather we were likely to have ; and on coming in again, the 
ladies were very modestly covered up in bed — and then we — 
got into bed — in the usual way. I have no doubt Mr. Carlton 
managed a little awkwardly : but I fear the reader will discover, 
that in his attempts at doing as Rome does, and so forth, Mr. 
Carlton departed finally from the native sweetness and simplicity 
of eastern and fashionable life; still we seemed to leave rather 
an unfavorable impression at the cabin, since, just before our 
setting out in the morning, the landlady told the driver privately 
— "Well! I allow the stranger and his woman-body thinks them- 
selves mighty big-bugs — but maybe they aint got more silver 
than Squire Snoddy across Big Bean creek; and his wife don't 
think nuthin on slinging round like her gal — but never mind, 
maybe Mrs. Callten or Crawltin, or somethin or nuther, will larn 
how too." 



CHAPTER X. 

"The voice of one crying in the wilderness." 

"Really, Mr. Carlton, unless you tell us whither you are 
travelling we will proceed no further." 

And really I could not blame you, friends, since, had it not 



56 THE SEARCHING 

been for very shame and impracticability, we ourselves, on the 
third morning, would have imitated Sawney of apple-orchard 
memory, and "crawled back again." But I am on the very 
point of telling as distinctly as possible about our destination — 
and as you have got thus far, and have paid^ (?) for the book, 
you may as well finish it. 

We are proceeding as slowly as we can in search of the Glen- 
ville |iSettlement, a place somewhere in the New .I^urchase. 
Among other persons we hope to find there, my wife's mother, 
my wife's aunt, my wife's uncle, and her sisters and her brother, 
John Glenville. One of my purposes is to become Mr. Glen- 
ville's partner in certain land speculations, and with him to es- 
tablish a store and also a tannery. Of the New Purchase itself 
we will speak at large when we reach that famous country — 
famous in itself out there — and to become so elsewhere when 
its history is published. As to Glenville Settlement itself, lofty 
opinions of its elegancies began to fall, and misgivings began 
to be felt, that its houses would be found no better than they 
ought to be : and in these we were not disappointed, as the reader 
may in time discover. 

The third night of the Searching now approached; and we 
had come to a very miserable hut, a ferry-house, on the top of 
a high bluff, and fully a quarter of a mile from the creek below. 
An ill-natured young girl was apparently the sole occupant ; and 
she, for some reason, refused to ferry us over the water, stating, 
indeed, that the creek could as yet be forded, but giving us no 
satisfactory directions how to find or keep the ford. Judge our 
feelings, then, on getting to the bank, to find a black, sullen and 
swollen river, twenty yards wide — a scow tied at the end of the 
road — and that road seeming to enter upon the ford, if indeed, 
any ford was there! I stepped into the boat and, with its "set- 
ting-pole," felt for the ford ; and happily succeeded in finding 
the bottom when the pole was let down a little beyond six feet! 

No house, except the ferry-hut on the bluff above, was on 
this side of the water for many a long and weary mile back ; and 

1 Persons that borrow this work, and all who rent it of some second 
rate book-establishment at a ifippenny-'bit a volume, will of course read 
it through. 



THE SEARCHING 57 

beyond the water was a low, marshy and, at present, a truly 
terrific beech-wood, and, from its nature, known to be necessarily 
uninhabited : so that, unless we could help ourselves, nobody else 
was likely to help. With great difficulty, therefore, and no small 
danger from our want of skill and hands enough, we "set" our- 
selves over in the scow : and when safely landed in the mud be- 
yond, we at first determined to let the boat go adrift as a small 
punishment to the villany of the ferry people; but reflecting pos- 
sibly some benighted persons might sufifer by this vengeance, we 
tied the scow — (but of course on the wrong side of the river) 
and splattered on. In half a mile, strange enough, we met a 
large party of women and children, to whom we told what had 
happened and what had been done with the scow : on which 
they cordially thanked us, it being necessary for them to cross 
the river, and in return assured us of a better road not very 
far forward, and which led to "a preacher's" house, where we 
should find a comfortable home and a welcome for the night. 

What the oasis of dry deserts is, all know; but the oasis of 
waste woods and waters is — a clearing with its dry land and 
sunlit opening. Such was now before us, not indeed sunlit, — 
for the sun was long since set — such was before us ; and in the 
midst of a very extensive clearing was not a cabin, but a veritable 
two-story house of hewn and squared timbers, with a shingle 
roof and smoke curling gracefully upward from its stone chim- 
ney ! Yes, and there were corncribs, and smoke-house, and 
barn and out-houses of all sorts : and removed some distance 
from all, was the venerable cabin in a decline, — the rude shell of 
the family in its former chrysalis state! 

But our reception — it was a balm and a cordial. We found, 
not indeed the parade and elegant variety of the East, but nea* 
apartments, refreshing fire after the chill damps of the forest, a 
parlour separate from the kitchen, and bedrooms separate from 
both and from one another. There, too, if memory serves right, 
were six pretty, innocent girls — (no sons belong to the family) — 
coarsely but properly dressed ; and who were all modest and re- 
spectful to their elders and superiors — a very rare thing in the 
New Purchases, and, since the reign of Intellect, a rarer thing 
than formerly in most Old Purchase countries. The mere dif- 



58 THE SEARCHING 

fusion of "knowledges," without discipline of mind in their at- 
tainment, is not so favourable to virtue and good manners as 
Lyceum men think. Our six little girls were mainly educated 
on Bible principles — living fortunately in that dark age when 
every body's education was not managed by legislatures and 
taxes. The law administered by irreligious or infidel statesmen, 
or by selfish and sullen demagogues, is akmys opposed to the 
Gospel. 

No pains were spared by the whole family in our entertain- 
ment: and all was done from benevolence, as if we were chil- 
dren and relatives. The Rev. William Parsons and his lady, 
our hosts, had never been in the East, or in any other school 
of the Humanities; and yet with exceptions of some prejudices, 
rather in favour, however, of the West than against the East, 
this gentlemen and lady both beautifully exemplified the innate 
power of Christian principles to make men not only kind and 
generous, but courteous and polite. 

In my dreams no oasis of this kind had appeared — yet none is 
so truly lovely as that where religion makes the desert and the 
wilderness blossom as the rose. I have been much in the com- 
pany of clergy and laity both, and in many parts of the Union, 
and my settled belief in consequence is, that the true ministers 
of the Gospel, in spite of supposed characteristical faults and de- 
fects, and prejudices, are, as a class, decidedly the very best and 
noblest of men. 

We discovered that Mr. Parsons, like most located and per- 
manent pastors of a wooden country, received almost literally 
nothing for ecclesiastical services. Nay, Mrs. Parsons incidentally 
remarked to Mrs. C. that for seven entire years she had never 
seen together ten dollars either in notes or silver! Hence, al- 
though suspecting he would refuse, and fearing that the oflfer 
might even distress him, I could not but sincerely wish Mr. P. 
would accept pay for our entertainment: and the oflFer was at 
last made in the least awkward way possible. But in vain was 
every argument employed by me, that decorum would allow, to 
induce his acceptance — he utterly refused, only saying: — "My 
dear young friend, pay it to some preacher of the Gospel, and 
in the same way and spirit the present service is rendered to 



THE SEARCHING 59 

you." And here, in justice to ourselves, we must be permitted 
to record that we did most gladly, and on many more occasions 
than one, repay our debt to Mr. Parsons in the way enjoined. 

Formerly it was indeed rare, that anyone in the Far West, 
however, poor, a ferryman or a tavern keeper, would ask or take 
if offered, a cent for his services from any man known as a 
preacher. True, the immunity existed in a few places under a 
belief that preachers ought not to expect or receive the smallest 
salary ; and sometimes a preacher was actually questioned on that 
point, and treated according to his answer, but still in the primitive 
times, especially of the New Purchase, the vast majority of 
woodsmen would have indignantly scouted the thought of de- 
manding pay from a preacher, and that whether he received a 
small stipend for his own services, or as was the common case, 
nothing. Once a clerical friend of the author's travelled nearly 
one thousand miles in woods and prairies, and brought back in 
his inexpressibles-pocket, the identical pecimia carried with him 
for expenses — viz. Fifty Cents! That, on leaving home, he had 
supposed would be enough ; — it proved too much ! 

During my Western sojourn, I was powerfully impressed 
with the importance and necessity of forming a new Society; 
nor has the notion been abandoned since leaving that country. 
I have been indeed always deterred from making the attempt, 
from its internal difficulty, from its entire novelty, and a deep 
settled conviction of its great unpopularity the moment it is an- 
nounced. Indeed, I fear the thing is wholly impracticable in 
an age when all kinds of public instruction is gratuitous — and it 
is deemed enough to be honored with a hearing in public, and to 
hear the criticisms of audiences that all know all things, and 
even something to boot, as well and maybe a little better than 
the literati themselves ; but so much would my scheme, if adopt- 
ed, do to alleviate the great distresses, anxieties and privations of 
many very worthy clergymen, that I will venture to give a hint of 
the plan, even though I may be deemed a visionary. The Society 
I propose is to bear this title: — 

"The-make-congregation>s-PAY-what-ihey-voluntarily-PROMiSE- 
Society." For which I shall only now name one reason — viz. 
that most clergymen do perform all they ever promise — and of- 



6o THE SEARCHING 

ten a very great deal more. If the Society is now ever formed by 
others, I must here once for all, however, positively decline the 
honour of being one of the travelling agents — I can stand some 
storms, but not all. 

Certain wits sneer here, and reversing the Indian's remark, 
say "poor preach — poor pay ;" and please themselves with draw% 
ing contrasts between the Western and the Eastern styles of 
preaching. But take away libraries from our preachers, take 
away the sympathy and the applause; make such work, not with 
small and very often incompetent stipends as is the case pretty 
generally here, but with no salary whatever; make them work, 
chop wood, plough, ride day after day, and night after night in 
dim, perilous, endless wilds ; bid them preach in the open air or 
between two cabins, or in an open barn, or even bar-room, with- 
out notes or preparation, and all this weary, sick, jaded; smoke 
and suffocate them in a cold, cheerless day, with a fire not within 
but without the house, to which the congregation repair during 
the sermon in committees both for heat and gossip — do all this 
and we shall hear no more of the contrast. And yet within those 
grand old woods you shall often hear bursts of eloquence — 
stirring appeals — strains of lofty poetry — ay, the thundering of 
resistless speech, that would move and entrance through all 
their length and breadth the cushioned seats of our bedizzened 
churches ! True, as a whole, even such discourses may not do 
to print. What then? Is a sermon the best adapted to be 
spoken, always the best to be printed? Does not the patent 
steam press squeeze the very life and soul out of most sermons? 
Granted that the notes of a preacher may be printed as the notes 
of a musician — still that preacher himself must be present to 
makes his notes speak forth the latent sense — and if he find not 
the sense and spirit there he expected — to put them there at the 
impulse of the moment. The very Reverend Lord Bishop Bal- 
timore — 

"Mr. Carlton ! — we are impatient to continue the search for 
Glenville." 

Oh ! yes — true — true ! — advance we then to a new chapter. 



CHAPTER XL 

(Cum subito e sylvis, macie confecta suprema 
Ignoti nova forma viri, miserandaque cultu. 
Respicimiis: dira illuvies, immissaque barba, 
Consertum tegmen spinis. 

On the morning of the fourth day, about ten o'clock, a. m., 
we emerged from the forest upon a clearing one mile in length, 
and a half mile in breadth : and nearly in its centre stood Wood- 
ville, the capital of the New Purchase — a village just hewed and 
hacked out of the woods, fresh, rough and green. And this iden- 
tical town, reader, is, we are informed, somewhere about twenty 
miles from Glenville — unless in the contraction of the roads in 
dry seasons, when the distance is variously estimated at from 
sixteen to nineteen miles. And as we have a letter of introduc- 
tion to Dr. Sylvan of the capital, and shall remain here an hour, 
it seems the very time to describe Woodville, in and about which, 
as the centre of our orbit, we moved for nearly eight years. 

Woodville was now almost three years old; large, however, 
for its age, and dirty as an undisciplined, neglected urchin of the 
same years, and rough as a motherless cub. It was the destined 
seat of a University : hence when Mind whose remarkable tramp 
was now beitig — (hem!) — heard, halted here in its march some 
years after, in the shape of sundry learned and great men, we 
were all righted up, licked into shape and clarified. But to day, 
never were strange animals so stared at, walked around and 
remarked upon near at hand by the brave, and peeped at by the 
modest and timid, from chinks and openings, as were we, tame 
and civilized bipeds, Mr. and Mrs. C, by our fellow-creatures of 
Woodville. Why, we could not then conjecture — unless be- 
cause Mr. C. wore a coat and was shaved — or because Mrs. C. 
had on no cap, and a cap there was worn by all wives old and, 
young — a sign in fact of the conjugal relation — and so it was 
"suspicioned" if Mrs. C. was not my wife, she ought to be. 
N. B. The caps most in vogue then were made of dark, coarse, 
knotted twine, like a cabbage net — and were worn expressly as 
the wives themselves said — "to save slicking up every day. and to 
hide dirt!" 



62 THE SEARCHING 

But here comes Dr. Sylvan, and we must introduce him. 
First, however, be it understood that Woodville even then, had 
two classes, the superior and the inferior; the former shaved 
once a week, the latter once in two weeks, or thereabouts. At 
our first meeting, which was accidental, I was at a loss where 
to class my friend ; and had we not already acquired some art in 
decyphering character by studying the countenance and the 
mien, and not by looking at the dress, or rather the want of it, 
we should have fallen into a great mistake about this true 
Christian and gentleman. 

Shoes he wore, it is true — but one a coarse cow-hide laced 
boot, the other a calf-skin Jefferson, or some other presidential 
name. And this latter was well blacked, though not shiney; but 
the cow-hide had been too stiff, stubborn and greasy, to receive 
its portion. Above the Jefferson was a stockingless ancle — 
presumptive, and even a fortiori evidence that the ancle in the 
boot was in a natural condition. Coat he wore none ; but he 
had on a Kentucky-jean vest, open to its lowest button, and al- 
lowing the display of a reddish-yellow flannel shirt bosom, his 
arms being encased in sleeves of thick cotton something, and 
all unembroidered. As a rare extravagance, and which placed 
him in the aristocratic class of democrats, the Doctor wore, not 
carried, a pocket-handkerchief ; and he wore it circumambient, 
the cotton bandana going over one shoulder, and under the op- 
posite arm, and then both ends met and were tied just above 
his OS femoris. This luxury, however, was used only as "a 
sweat rag," and not as "a nose-cloth," — delicate names applied 
appropriately to a handkerchief, as it was employed to wipe off 
perspiration or to blow the nose. As to the Doctor's nose, it 
was, in its necessities, most cruelly pinched and twisted between 
his finger and thumb ; and these were then wiped on the rag just 
mentioned — on the plan of the man that topped the candle with 
his fingers, and then deposited the burnt wick in the snuffers. 
The operation was certainly performed with great skill, yet it 
seemed unnatural at the time; and it was not till I had seen the 
governor himself in a stump speech, and the judge on the bench, 
perform the same instinctively and involuntarily, that I came to 
regard the affair as natural, and to conclude that, after all, hand- 
kerchiefs were nothing more than civil conveniences. 



THE SEARCHING 63 

Such was the leaden casket — the outer man ; but reader, within 
was a rare jewel. With a little fixing, this gentleman would 
easily have adorned and delighted the best company in the best 
places. He was a brave soldier, an able statesman, and a skilful 
physician ; and if not learned, he was extensively and even pro- 
foundly read in his favourite studies, medicine and politics. His 
person, disfigured even by his dress, was uncommonly fine, his 
countenance prepossessing, and his conversation easy, pleasant, 
and instructive. In the legislative assemblies he was highly re- 
spected, and often his influence there was unbounded ; and hap- 
pily that influence was usually well directed. The Doctor, in 
short, would have graced the halls at Washington. As a hus- 
band and a father, no man was ever more affectionate ; and as a 
physician, none more kind, tender, and anxious — indeed he not 
only prescribed for a patient, but, as far as possible, nursed him. 
A little more moral courage would have made Dr. Sylvan a still 
more valuable friend. It was strange, however, that so brave 
a man in the field, should have been occasionally cowed in the 
presence of political foes — but so it was ; and this was the only 
material blemish in a man otherwise good, noble, and generous.^ 

Other citizens may be introduced hereafter; at present, we 
shall speak of Woodville itself. This was, as has been stated, 
the capital of the New Purchase — the name of a tract of land 
very lately bought from the Indians, or the Abor'rejines, as the 
Ohio statesman had just then named them, in his celebrated 
speech in the legislature: — "Yes, Mr. Speaker, yes sir," said he, 
"I'd a powerful sight sooner go into retiracy among the red, wild 
Abor'rejines of our wooden country, nor consent to that bill." 
The territory lay between the north and south Shining Rivers — 
called sometimes the Shinings, sometimes the Shineys, from the 
purity of the waters and the brightness of the sands — and it 
contained fine land, well timbered and rolling. The white popula- 
tion was very sparse, and mainly very poor persons, very illiter- 
ate, and very prejudiced, with all the virtues and vices belonging 
to woodsmen. Among them were very few, indeed scarcely any, 

^ This reflection on Dr. Sylvan, as well as the hit on another page was 
probably because in a subsequent difficulty between Hall and President 
Wylie, Dr. Sylvan did not support Hall or approve of his course. 



64 THE SEARCHING 

persons born east of the mountains; and our community was a 
pure Western one — men of the remote West being by far the 
majority of the settlers. 

As a tribe, the Indians had themselves "gone into retiracy," 
away beyond the great father of waters; yet many lingered in 
their favourite hunting-grounds and around the graves of war- 
riors and chieftains ; and we often met them in the lonely parts 
of the wilderness, seemingly dejected; and now and then they 
came gliding like sad spectres into Woodville. The town itself 
stood on the site of their own wigwam village. Here they spent 
hour after hour, with unerring arrows splitting apples and knock- 
ing ofif six-pences some fifty or eighty yards distant; and once 
when taunted for want of skill, on assurance of immunity, they 
gratified and surprised us by sending two arrows against the 
ball of the court-house steeple, fully seventy feet high, and with 
force enough to leave two holes in its gilt sides — and these, the 
Doctor writes me, remain to this day.- 

The grand building then was this very court-house. Its order 
of architecture I never ascertained — it was, however, most cer- 
tainly a pile. The material was brick of a fever-colour ; the 
building being kept under and down by the steeple just named, 
which topped ofif with its gilded ball and spire, straddled the 
roof, determined to keep the ascendency. The vane was an un- 
commonly wise one, utterly refusing, like earthly weathercocks 
and demagogues, to turn about by every wind ; and yet when in the 
humour it whirled about just as it pleased, and without any wind 
— emblem of our hunters and woodsmen, who seemed to like 
the vane for its very inconsistency and independence. From the 
road or street a double door opened immediately into the court- 
room. This was paved all over with brick, to cool the bare feet 
in summer, and in winter to bear the incessant stamping of feet 
shod with bull-skin boots armed to the centre of the sole with 
enormous heels, and with the sole and all fortified with rows of 

" At the top of the steeple above the old court house in Bloomington 
there were a ball and cup above a large brass fish. The editor has heard 
old settlers tell of seeing the Indians shoot their arrows at the fish and 
cup fully as high as Mr. Hall indicates. The old court house was not re- 
placed by a new one till 1907. 



THE SEARCHING 65 

shingle nails : — four such feet were equal to one rough-shod 
horse. The pave was, of course, dust sometimes, sometimes 
mortar. Each side the door and within the room were stairs. 
These were deflected from a perpendicular just enough to rest at 
the top, like a ladder to a new building in a city; so that we 
climbed, ladder-like, to our second story, where several rooms 
were found well finished and convenient for their uses — the sole 
excellency in the structure. 

West from this citadel of justice was the guardian of liberty — 
the jail ; the close vicinity of the two reminding one forcibly of 
a doctor's shop adjoining a grave-yard. This keep, in its con- 
struction, was in imitation of a conjuror's series of box within 
box; for first was an exterior brick house, and then within it 
another house of hewed logs. No wall, however, surrounded 
the prison; hence, from its only cell prisoners used, through a 
little grated window open to the public square, to converse un- 
restrained with their friends or attorneys. The consequence 
uniformly was a very magical trick, the e.xact reverse of what 
happened with the wizard boxes: for while the piece of silver 
conjured from your fingers would most miraculously be found 
in the very last of the indwelling series, the condemned thief or 
murderer safely caged in our interior cell, at the very moment the 
officers wished him to come and be hung, or some other exalta- 
tion, lo ! and behold ! then and there — the criminal was not ! And 
at every renewal of this curious trick, which was two or three 
times a year, we were as much amazed as ever! 

Getting out was still a little troublesome, more so at least than 
not getting in ; and so a rowdy school-master of the Purchase, 
against whom were charges of assault and battery, used this 
preventive. He had given bail for his appearance, but the day 
before the trial the following was inserted in our Woodville 
paper — the "Great Western Republican Democrat:" — 

"Melancholy. — The body corporate of Mr. Patrick Erin, 
school-master of Harman's Bottom, was found lodged in some 
brush below the log across Shelmire's Creek. It is known he 
left town yesterday in a state of intoxicated inebriety, and with 
a jug of the creature, so that as he tried to cross in the great fresh 
he slipped ofif and was drowned." 



66 THE SEARCHING 

Accounts, indictments, charges, and so on, were all quashed — 
and then the day after Mr. Patrick Erin, that was lately drowned, 
or somebody exactly like him, was reeling about the court-yard, 
pretty well corned, to the amazement of all, judge, grand jury, 
and citizens. The scamp had written the "Melancholy" for the 
paper himself, — and for that time escaped all prosecutions. 

Churches at the era of. the Searching, if by a church be meant 
according to certain syllogisms in school logic, "a building of 
stone," did not grace our capital. But if by church we under- 
stand "a congregation," then churches were as plenty as private 
houses. We numbered five hundred citizens, and these all be- 
longed to some one or more of our Ten Religious Sects — hence 
almost every house-keeper had a "meeting" of his own and in 
his own dwelling. I fear we were in all things too superstitious, 
and that some of us worshiped an unknown God. Indeed most 
that was done at most of our meetings, was to revile others and 
glorify ourselves. Judge, however, reader, of the nature of our 
fanacticism by an instance or two that occurred when I resided 
afterwards in Woodville. I had a neighbour who conducted 
private prayer, not by entering his closet and shutting the door, 
but by opening his doors and windows, and praying so awfully 
loud, that we could distinctly hear and see him too, from our 
house distant from his a full half-furlong. But again, some ex- 
tra saints, wishing to worship on a high place, used to resort to 
the top of the court-house steeple! A peculiar grumble repeat- 
edly heard thence several evenings in succession, just after sun- 
set, induced several profane persons to clamber up to ascertain 
the cause — and there, sure enough, were the steeple saints away 
up towards heaven, at their devotions! — pity they ever came 
down to earth again — they fell away from grace afterwards, and 
died, I fear, and made no sign! 

Household churches are sometimes very unfavourable to de- 
votion and elocution, especially if children belong to the estab- 
lishment. If such, indeed, are of the class mammilla, they may 
be nursed into order: but no apples, cookies, maple-sugar, little 
tin cups and hardware mugs of milk or spring water, can keep 
quiescent those that are independent of the milky way. True, 
they are at last captured, after eluding a dozen hands, and laugh- 



THE SEARCHING 67 

ing at nods, frowns, and twisted faces, are then hurried out, 
kicking away at the air and knocking off a sun-bonnet or two near 
the door-way — but then the "screamer!" — and this followed by 
the clamour between the belligerents outside — she administering 
a slapping dose of the wise man's prescription, and it exclaiming, 
indignant and outrageous at the medicine! 

In one house where we often went to meeting, the owner 
annoyed in the week by customers leaving an inner door open, 
posted up within the room and on that door the following, and in 
large letters : 

"If you please, shut the door, and if you don't please — shut it 
any how !" 

The preacher did not seem greatly disturbed at the first glance 
— but alas ! — my weak thoug'hts wandered away to the apostolic 
churches somewhere, and fancied the surprise of clergy and laity, 
if by any modern miracle, this ingenious caution had, late on Sat- 
urday night, taken the place of certain golden inscriptions ! 

The universal address on entering a house, after a premonitory 
rap or kick at the door, was — "Well ! who keeps house ?" It was 
a kind of visiting appogiatura to smooth the abruptness of in- 
gress. Once in a domestic meeting, we were listening devoutly 
to the preacher, when a neighbour came, for the first time indeed, 
but by express invitation, to our meeting; and after tying his 
horse, putting the stirrups over the saddle and pulling down his 
tow-linen trowsers, he advanced to the house and startled both 
minister and people by administering a smart prefatory rap to 
the door cheek, and drawling out in a slow, but very loud tone, 
the usual formula — "W-e-11 — who — keeps — house?" — when he 
squeezed in among us and took a seat as innocent as a babe. 
Query for casuists — Is it ahvays sinful to laugh in meeting? 

One more, dear reader, from our string of onions, and wc 
suspend at present the ecclesiastical history. A hostess who had 
a church in her house, found her dinner often delayed by the 
length of the services, and therefore insisted that a friend of 
mine, who was the preacher, should shorten the exercises, which 
occasioned the following colloquy : 

"Sister Nancy, we must not starve our souls." 

"Well, I allow we'll starve our bodies then!" 



68 THE SEARCHING 

"By no means, sister, is that necessary — " 

"Well — how in creation is a body to have dinner if a body 
aint time cook it?" 

"Well, sister, as soon as you hear amen to the sermon — clap 
on the pot !" 

Sister Nancy ever after obeyed, and so the pork, cabbage, and 
all that constitute a regular Sunday mess, were bubbling away 
in the prophet's pot about the time the final hymns, prayers, ex- 
hortations, and other appendices to the regular worship were 
ended : — a beautiful verification of the remark, that "some things 
can be done as well as others," and, as may be added, at the very 
same time too. 

As to our private edifices, the description of one will aid an 
ordinary imagination to picture the rest. And we select Dr, 
Sylvan's ; he being of the magnates, and his house being builded 
by special order. 

This domicile was of burnt clay, rough as a nutmeg grater, 
and of no decided brick shape or colour — each apparently having 
been patted into form, and freckled in the drying. It was a story 
and a fr'action high, and fastened at one end to a wing containing 
the shop. Here we kept "the doctor-stuff," and also the skeleton 
of Red Fire, an Indian chief, about whom the reader may ex- 
pect a story in due time. Here too was the doctor's rifle and all 
his hunter's apparel: for, once or twice a year, our "Medicine" 
put on his leather breeches, his leggins, his moccasins, his hunt- 
ing shirt, and fur cap, and with that long and ponderous rifle on 
his shoulder, shot-pouch and powder-horn at his hip, and toma- 
hawk and knife in the belt, off went he to the uninhabited part 
of the wilds. There he continued alone for days and even 
weeks — killing deer, and turkeys, and bears, &c., and camping 
out ; stoutly and conscientiously maintaining all was for the good 
of his health, while it supplied him at a small expense with fresh 
meat. My heart always warmed towards this genuine and noble 
woodsman thus apparelled! oh! the measureless gulf between 
this Man and the Thing with curled hair, kid gloves, and anointed 
head ! — the curious, bipedalic civet-cat of the East. I plead guilty, 
reader, to a spirit of Nimrod and Ramrodism — ay ! again could 
I at times, shutting my eyes to the bitter past; again could I 



THE SEARCHING 69 

exchange my now solitary native land for the cabin and the 
woods ! Alas ! the doctor's age would now forbid our occasional 
hunts together — and Ned Stanley and Domore 

"Go on with the doctor's house, Mr. Carlton." 

Well, on the first floor were two rooms, and connected with 
a Lilliputian half-story kitchen forming an L as near as possible. 
Between house proper and kitchen was the dining-room, a mag- 
nificent hall eight feet wide by six feet long, with a door on each 
side opening into — vacancy ; — threats to put steps to the doors made 
two or three times a year with great spirit being never executed. 
Indeed, at last, Mrs. Sylvan herself declared to Mr. Carlton, that 
"there was no use in steps, any way, as the children were mighty 
spry, and the grown folks had got used to it." And to tell 
the truth, the little bodies did climb up and down like lamp- 
lighters ; and I certainly never heard of more than half a dozen 
accidents to grown folks, owing to those stepless doors all the 
while of our sojourn in the Purchase. Nor was the space for 
eating any inconvenience in a country where families rarely all 
sat at the same time to the table, but came to their feed in squads. 

The two rooms named contained each several beds, couches 
by night, and settees by day. Indeed, even when the doctor's 
lady — (an accident that occurred maybe once in two years) — 
was confined by a slight illness to her bed in the day-time, citizens 
of all sexes on visits of friendship or business, might be seen very 
gravely and decorously seated on the side and foot of madame's 
bedstead, knitting or talking 

"Oh! fye!" 

Ladies, it was unavoidable ; and not more surprising than 
when French Ladies admit exquisites of the worthier gender to 
aid at their toilette. How much of the person may be exposed 
in stage dancing and French toilettes, we have never been well- 
bred enough to ascertain ; but in Mrs. Sylvan's levee nothing, I 
do know, could be discerned, save the tip of the nose and the frill 
of the cap. 

From the rooms doors apiece opened into the street; and as 
these were very rarely ever shut, summer or winter, the whole 
house may be said to have been out of doors. In fact, as the 
chimneys were awfully given to smoking, it was usually as com- 



70 THE SEARCHING 

fortless within the rooms as without. But in each of the small 
rooms a large space was cut off in one corner for a staircase; 
each stairway leading to separate dormitories in the fractional 
story — the dormitories being kept apart, as well as could be done, 
by laths and plaster. Often wondering at this dissocial wall up- 
stairs, I once inquired of Mrs. Sylvan what it was for, who 
answered, 

"Oh ! sir, I had it done on purpose " 

"On purpose! — it wasn't accidental, then?" 

"Law ! bless you, no ! — it was to keep the boys and girls apart." 

Now where, pray, had modesty in the far east ever built for 
her two staircases and a plastered wall, and to the discomfort 
of a whole family? Yet, vain care! The boys had perforated 
the partition with peep-holes ; but these were kept plugged by 
the girls on their side with tow, so that their own consent was 
necessary to the use of said apertures. Still I was told the 
syringes from the shop were often used on both sides of the 
wall, to give illustrations and lessons in hydraulics, little perhaps 
to edification, but very much to the fun of both squirters and 
squirted : proof that even among Hoosiers and all other wild men, 
"love laughs at locksmiths." 

South of Woodville (distance according to the weather), 
and in the very edge of the forest, were, at this time, two un- 
finished brick buildings, destined for the use of the future Uni- 
versity.^ As we passed to-day in our vehicle, the smaller house 

3 It has been difficult to ascertain the year of Hall's journey down the 
Ohio and to the Purchase. It was probably in 1823. His description of 
his journey from New Albany indicates that it was in the spring of the 
year. The Board of Trustees of the State Seminary located its site on 
June 15, 1820. The buildings were let to contract on March 22, 1822, 
after the sale of some lands. The "two unfinished brick buildings" which 
Hall mentions in this passage were probably under roof when Hall passed 
through Bloomington (Woodville) on his original journey to Glenville 
when he first met Dr. Maxwell. This is indicated by the fact that an 
order was passed by the Board on January 11, 1823, allowing a bill to 
David Batterton for tin guttering. These facts, as from the record, are 
taken from an old manuscript marked "Old Record" and "Notes on the 
New Purchase," containing data which, obviously, have been taken from 
the Records of the Seminary Trustees. These early Records have been 
lost ; they were probably burned in the University fire of 1884. This date 
for Hall's journey (1823) is not consistent with some later passages in 
his book. He may have come to Indiana in 1822 and this description may 
relate to the buildings as he saw tjiem on a later visit to Bloomington. 
He was elected to teach in the Seminary in November, 1823. 



THE SEARCHING 71 

was crammed with somebody's hay and flax ; while the larger was 
pouring forth a flock of sheep — a very curious form for a college 
to issue its parchments — which innoxious graduates paused a 
moment to stare, possibly at a future trustee, and then away they 
bounded, a torrent of wild wool, to the shelter of the woods. 

The larger edifice was called Big College. Its site was a beau- 
tiful eminence ; but it was no more fit for a college than any other 
moderately large two-story double house. The other- edifice was 
for the "master," and called, very appropriately. Little College; 
being a snivelling, inconvenient thing, like those in Pewterplatter- 
alley, ranged each side a gutter,— the whole fragrance and pros- 
pect ! We shall resume this subject, saying only now that a 
most sumptuous area had been already marred by the ignorance 
and paltry cupidity of planners and builders ; and among other 
irremediable evils, not a grove of forest trees had been left 
standing in the campus. 

Excellent lands adjacent to the college site had been given 
by the Federal Government for its foundation ; the judicious 
sale of which, and also of other fine lands elsewhere seated, it 
was thought would create a fund of nearly 200,000 dollars * : but, 

* In the Enabling Act of Congress (April 19, 1816) by which the 
people of Indiana were authorized to elect a convention to form a State 
constitution, preparatory to statehood, certain donations were granted to 
the prospective State. Among these was one entire township of land for 
the use of a seminary of learning, which is known as the Indiana Univer- 
sitiy land grant. President Madison designated Perry township, Monroe 
County, on the southern edge of Bloomington, as the seminary town- 
ship. From the sale of these lands was derived the early small endow- 
ment of Indiana University. The sale was made too early for profitable 
returns. The first constitution of the State (1816) provided that no lands 
granted for the use of schools or seminaries should be sold prior to 1820, 
but sales were promoted rapidly at low price soon after this date. On 
Jan. 22, 1822 the Indiana General Assembly authorized the sale of the 
seminary lands in Gibson county belonging to Vincennes University, and 
the proceeds of these sales were turned to the State Seminary at Bloom- 
ington, on the ground that the Vincennes University Trustees, by neglect 
and failure to meet, had permitted the corporation to lapse and die. 
Vincennes University had been chartered by the Territorial Legislature 
of Indiana in 1806. Congress in 1804 had granted Indiana Territory a 
township of land for a seminary of learning and Albert Gallatin, Jeffer- 
son's Secretary of the Treasury, selected for this use a township located 



72 THE SEARCHING 

until that easy-natured and rather soft-pated old gentleman, Uncle 
Sam, shall, at the time of his gifts, prescribe plans and times of 
commencing colleges, and make restrictions to obtain for some 
twenty-five or thirty years after the opening of the institutions, 
and himself appoint a portion of the trustees (non-residents 
even of the State), for at least ten years after things are pro- 
perly organized, then must we naturally expect waste and stupid 
and ridiculous applications and uses of the people's money. May 
be, after all, sectarianism is not so bad for colleges. 

Hark — the rattle of our carriage; so we must hastily wind 
up with saying, that east of Woodville was a wilderness, and 
uninhabited for forty miles ; south, cabins were sprinkled, on an 
average, one to the league; south-west, the same; but north and 
north-west, settlements and clearings were more abundant. 



CHAPTER Xn. 

''Horresco referens, immensis orbibus angues 
Incumbunt pelago, pariterque ad Htora tendunt." 

Our driver finding the roads worse than his expectation, now 
contrary to the solemn league and covenant between us, refused 
to proceed another step towards Glenville without additional pay. 
While the controversy was tending upward in pitch and intensity 
(for a very liberal price had been already paid), Dr. Sylvan said, 

"Come, driver, don't leave the strangers this way. I consider 



in Gibson county. This land was assigned to Vincennes University. This 
institution after a few years of life seemed to be non-existent, but several 
years after the unsold Gibson county lands had been appropriated by the 
State for the use of the State Seminary at Bloomington, the corporation 
of Vincennes University awoke (it had not been legally dead) and en- 
tered suits for the recovery of its lands. These suits were first brought 
against the holders of the lands, but later the State assumed the burden 
for the relief of innocent purchasers, and consented to a suit against 
the State, to ascertain the law and equity in the case. The case was 
pending for several years to the embarrassment of the State University, 
and judgment was finally given for $66,000 in favor of the Vincennes 
institution. The State made good the amount to the University at 
Bloomington. 



THE SEARCHING 73 

the price Mr. Carlton has already paid you to be very fair, and 
that you are bound to go on with him to Glenville — but here — 
(action to word) — here I'll pay you a dollar, rather than this lady 
should not see her mother to-night." Of course Mrs. C. never 
allowed that dollar to be paid — yet such was the generous spirit 
of the man ! Alas ! that politics should ever have made him lost 
to some friends ! and for what ? ay ! for what ? — ^the good of 
the people ! Ay ! yes — and times come, when politicians sacri- 
fice first their friends and then cut their own throats, for that 
ignis f atuus, and are laughed at ! 

It was noon, and the roads less bad, and sometimes almost 
good, we were, for awhile, in hopes of seeing our friends in a 
few hours. The day, too, was pleasant; and on the dry ridges 
being free from great perils, we began to enjoy the wildness 
of the primitive world. And what grander than the column-like 
trees ascending, many twenty, many thirty, and some even forty 
feet, with scarce a branch to destroy the symmetry ! Unable, from 
their number to send out lateral branches, like stalks of grain 
they had all grown straight up, hastening, as in a race, each to out- 
top its neighbour, till their high heads afforded a shelter to squirrels, 
far beyond the sprinkling of a shot-gun, and almost beyond the 
reach of the rifle ! The timber in the Purchase was only trunk 
and top ! Yet where a hurricane had passed, and, by destroying 
a part, allowed room for the others to grow, there plainly could 
be seen how such could "toss giant branches" — branches in 
amplitude and strength greater than the trunks, or rather slim 
bodies of puny trees in modern groves and parks! 

But here comes our first snake story. In answer to some 
query about snakes, our landlord at Woodville had replied that 
''there was a smart sprinkle of rattlesnakes on Red Run, and 
that it was a powerful nice day to sun themselves." We were 
now drawing near to the dragon district, and began to experience 
that vibratory sensation belonging to snake terror, when lo ! a 
crackling and rustling of leaves and sticks on our left — and 
there, sure enough, was a living snake! It was not, indeed a 
rattlesnake, but a very fierce, large, and partly erect, black one, 
with a skin as shiney as if just polished with patent blacking, a 



74 THE SEARCHING 

mouth wide open and astonishingly active tongue! Several feet 
of head and neck were visible, but how many of body and tail 
were concealed can never be told except by Algebra; for when 
with curiosity still stronger than fear, the driver and myself got 
out for a nearer inspection, not only did her ladyship increase 
her vengeful hissing but she was joined in that unpleasant music 
by some half dozen concealed performers; and then our new and 
yet long acquaintance, instead of vanishing, as had been supposed 
on our nearer approach, darted head foremost at us, and believe 
me, reader, in the true western style, like "greased lightning." 
Had a boa made that attack, our retreat could not have been 
more abrupt and speedy — we pitched and tumbled into our 
wagon — and on looking round, our queen snake was leisurely 
retiring, attended by more of her subjects than we even dared 
to shake a stick at. Some of these were apparently infant black 
snakes; for the protection of which we then conjectured the 
dam ( ?) snake had endeavoured to intimidate us — in which at- 
tempt she had very reasonable success. 

Every noise now by bird or squirrel seemed serpentish; 
and every perfume of wild flower or blossom, was like cucum- 
bers, the odour of which resembles the fragrance of a rattle- 
snake; and every crooked dark stick in the leaves or twisting 
vines was a formidable reptile. At length, however, we had 
exhausted our snake stories, conquered our apprehensions, and 
gliding into other topics, had reached a point in the forest where 
was to be sought the path leading off to Glenville. 

Reader, do not, when we speak of roads and paths, figure a lane 
between fences ; such trammel on the liberty of travellers, and 
the freedom of cattle would be intolerable. No, a road author- 
ised by law is achieved by levelling the trees between given points, 
and thus making an avenue in the woods from twenty to thirty 
feet wide : the small .stumps being often removed, but all a size 
larger left, only {theoretically) dressed down so as to permit 
wagons to pass over without striking the axle — if they can. 
This delicate performance of wagons is called — straddling, and 
is done by rough ones without fear; other vehicles utterly refuse 
to straddle. As to saplings, such are cut off by one or more 
oblique blows, some six or eight inches from the ground, the 



THE SEARCHING 75 

remaining stumps thus conveniently sharpened, and threatening 
to impale whoever may be pitched on to them from horse or 
carriage. 

On one side usually, some times on both, of large stumps 
was a hole from one to two feet deep. Where the stumps fol- 
lowed in a serrated series, the wheels, but only of straddling 
wagons, performed the most exhilarating seesaw, with the most 
astonishing alternations of plunge, creak, and splash, till the 
uproar of a single team would fill a circle completely of half a 
mile radius ! Indeed, nothing so enlivened the wilderness ! 
When vehicles refused to straddle, driving became a work of the 
most laborious skill in the perpetual windings among holes and 
stumps that was then necessary; or when that was too perilous, 
it became a matter of taste and fancy to choose among the dozen 
extemporaneous roads inviting from the right and left. Her- 
cules himself would have been puzzled to select sometimes, 
where all offered equal inducements, or equal hindrances. These 
auxiliary ways have themselves other helps, and these even other 
subsidiaries, so that a person not a woodsman, after an agreeable 
ride of some hours discovers often that a very long lane has no 
turn, but a very unexpected end, and leads exactly — no where. 

We, of course were chock full of instructions and with all our 
windings and turnings still kept our eye steadily on the — blazes. 
The blaze is a longitudinal cut on trees at convenient intervals 
made by cutting off the bark with an axe or hatchet : three blazes 
in a perpendicular line on the same tree indicating a legislative 
road, the single blaze, a settlement or neighborhood road. Hence, 
if desirous to escape smoky blazes, we willingly kept on through 
this sort ; although unlike the smoky blazes, this sort is of use 
only in the day time. 

Well, — (to come back) — we began to look through the legal 
blazes to espy a corner tree cut and notched in a peculiar way, at 
which turning off, we should discover a single blaze leading to 
Glenville — when — could it be possible! — up that very tree was 
coiling an enormous and frightful serpent ! 

"Obstupuri ! steteruntque comas ! et vox f aucibus haesit " — in 
spite of which all of us spoke out, and Mrs. Carlton really 
screamed. Of course we halted; and it being seen that cutting 



76 THE SEARCHING 

across was prevented by a ravine, it was at last concluded that 
Mr. C. be a committee to reconnoitre, while the others should 
remain in the dearborne — a retreat from snakes equal to covering 
up in bed or shutting one's eyes in danger. Accordingly, on 
went capital / with a slow and cautious step, an eye to the rear 
as well as to the fore, and flourishing in my hands a very long 
pole to intimidate his snakeship before it came to blows, or run- 
ning away on one or both sides — but the scaly rascal budged 
neither head nor tail, and yet seemed to swell larger and larger, 
as we, i. e. I and the pole advanced — till, strange ! now his very 
form was changing yet remaining — when all at once inspired 
with a seeming phrenzy, I threw away my pole and dashing 
headlong on the serpent I seized him by the tail — 

"Oh!— Mr. Carlton!"— 

Precisely as my own wife cried out at first; but as I maintained 
the hold and the enormous reptile still remained inflexibly bent 
around the tree, on came at last our friends, wagon and all; 
and soon all capable of laughing, were joined in the merriment 
on finding our frightful enemy subsiding into the mere form of 
a snake very ingeniously wrought with a hatchet into the corner 
tree and blackened with charcoal ! That indeed was "notching in 
a peculiar way," as Dr. Sylvan had said ; and true enough as he 
said also, "we should be sure enough to see it." 

I may as well add here that some years after as I rode in com- 
pany with a lady near this very spot, and I had just ended the 
story for her entertainment, we both were no little startled to 
see a veritable serpent enacting that same part on a different 
tree indeed, and propria persona — i. e in his own skin. How he 
could adhere almost perpendicularly to the smooth bark of a 
large beech I know not — yet there and thus the reptile was about 
eight feet from the ground and ten below any branch ! On pass- 
ing I administered him a smart switch on the tail with my riding 
whip; a compliment he returned by detaching his head from 
the bark, and fiercely hissing forth his acknowledgements. Our 
amusements, you perceive, reader, are masculine in a country 
of men : and yet we play in civilized places with very sleek and 
cunning snakes— ay, that hiss and bite too! 

The Glenville road was a mere path marked by a single blaze. 



THE SEARCHING 77 

which we very pertinaciously followed although it lighted us 
along a very circuitous route. In theory, the shortest line be- 
tween two points is the straight line ; it is not so in practice out 
there : at least it is not prudent to be so mathematically correct 
in the neighbourhood paths of a New Purchase. More than 
once especially when going by the moss and the sun, and even 
with experienced woodsmen, the mathematical travelling had 
occasioned our being lost for hours, sometimes for days. Hence 
our backwoods axiom — "the longest is the shortest." 

Notice here, a neighborhood road does not imply necessarily 
much proximity of neighbours. I have travelled all day long upon 
a neighbourhood or settlement road and seen neither neighbours 
nor neighbours' cabins. Such road leads sometimes not to a set- 
tlement in actu — (i. e. under the axe) — ^but to a settlement in 
posse — (i. e. among the possums) — viz. a paper settlement — a 
speculator's settlement. And even along an inhabited path, 
"neighbour" in the Purchase was to be interpreted scripturally, 
and I rejoice to say, was extended to comprise the Samaritans. 
Indeed, out there, we were very kind to neighbours — whenever 
we could find them ; circumstances there created a kindness and 
a hospitality wholly unknown in here. 

And now we reached the two story log house at the entrance 
of the bottom of "Big Shiney," and where was to be encountered 
"the most powerful slashy land." That the said slashy land was 
no better than it should be, may be inferred from the fact, that 
it occupied us from half past three p. m. until seven o'clock pre- 
cisely in the evening to do three miles — a speed less considerably 
than that of birds and even that of steam cars. 

The river was still swollen and turbulent from recent rains, 
and although within its banks, it had barely retired from its over- 
flowings. And now a glorious sunset was there, far away in 
the grand solitudes, where century after century the god of 
day had gone down while his last beams were pouring the rich 
mellow haze of evening over the distant homes of the East! 
Gay birds were warbling farewell songs with distinct and thrilling 
articulation, while some darting from bank to bank seemed rays 
of sunlight winged and glancing over the waters — such was their 
plumage ! And squirrels without fear raced and sported on hoary 



78 • THE SEARCHING 

and patriarchal trees so inclined towards the river, that from 
opposite banks they united their umbrageous tops in green and 
flowery arches above its bosom! It did seem as if for once we 
had surprised nature's self in her wild, unpruned, rich, varied, 
luxurious negligence; and were beholding the sun, not coming 
from his chamber a strong man rejoicing to run a race, but a 
glorious bridegroom retiring to the bridal chamber of his spouse ! 

On the far bank was a small wigwam hut, and below in the 
water was tied a clumsy scow ; but who was to ferry us over was 
not instantly apparent, our shoutings simple and compound being 
answered only by Echo, senior and junior. At last rose in 
answer the voice of an invisible wood-nymph, and that was fol- 
lowed shortly by the appearance among the bushes of the 
hamadryad in the shape of an athletic woman with a red head; 
who girding up her loins — (anglice, pinning up her petticoat) 
stepped barefooted and bareheaded into the boat, her little boy 
at the moment casting loose the grape vine rope — its fastening. 
She then poled, or "set up stream" about lOO yards, and after- 
wards, by a large oar on a pivot at the end of the scow, she kept 
the boat nearly at right angles with the banks until the current 
brought the ferrywoman as diagonally correct to where we stood, 
as if all had been in a fashionable school on a black board. 

Alas! all this as nearly as unromantic as mathematics them- 
selves ; for our heroine was not at all like the Lady of the Lake 
or any other lady made to paddle a skiff in poetry or painting. 
She worked a scow to admiration, better truly than the most 
poetic creature could have done — ^but then an ugly, shapeless, 
clusmy scow! and a hearty, red-headed woman in bare legs and 
Elssler petticoats! — what had such to do with the sunset 
and the birds? Poetry, therefore, being sufficiently cooled down, 
we embarked ; and while the good hearted, and honest woman 
insisted she needed no aid, both Mr. C. and the driver helped to 
navigate her boat. It seemed, then, our ferrywoman had never 
heard our shouts, telling us we had not "larn'd to holler;" and 
that having accidently caught sight of our wagon, she "know'd we 
wanted over ^ and so had hollored naterally." And the way she 

1 "I want over," "I want in," "I want out," etc., are pioneer forms of 
speech that are still not uncommon in certain regions of the Middle West. 



THE SEARCHING 79 

could lift up the voice made crag and cliff and forest far and 
wide speak with a dozen tongues ! Ay, reader, and we our- 
selves finally learned to sing out "O-o-o-o-ver !" till the rebellow- 
ing of the woods brought the ferry person to the scow, even if 
at work in the clearing hundreds of yards behind his cabin. 
This wondrous art cannot be taught on paper; nor by question 
and answer, like other equally valuable matters now a days : but 
buy this book, and then we will add when you visit us, this im- 
portant lesson in Wildwood Elocution, gratis. 

But happy we ! the ferrywoman could tell us all about the 
Glenville settlement ! and then, unhappy we — in her directions, 
which were sufficiently ample, she, like many other instructors, 
took for granted that we knew well the elements and data of 
which we were profoundly ignorant : — said she, "Wei, I allow 
you can't scarcely miss the path to the tan house — little Jim here's 
bin thare many a time — and 'cos the nabers go thare all round 
the settlemints. Howsoever keep rite strate along the bottim till 
you come to the bio — (bayou) — then sort a turn to the left, but not 
quite — 'cos the path goes to the rite like — but you can't cross thare 
now — well, S'trate on is Sam Little's cleren, till you come to the 
Ingin grave — and after that the path's a sort a blind — ^but then it 
ain't more nor a mile to ole man Sturgisses, and he lives rite 
fornence the tan house over the run." 

Of course, reader, the above and most other directions and 
speeches in this book like the above, are the filtered condensation 
of our own translation : the full vernacular you could not under- 
stand and perhaps might not relish. But interrogation only ren- 
dered our labyrinthical direction more implicated ; and so, not 
wishing to seem less sagacious than little Jim, off we splashed 
for the bayou, and here we succeeded so well in "a sort-er turn 
to the left but not quite," that we soon lost sight of all roads, 
paths, and blazes ; and then we, hearing the sound of an axe still 
more to the left, travelled that direction by ear, through a won- 
derous wilderness of spice-wood, papaw, and twenty unknown 
bushes, briars, and weeds, till we fell suddenly into a clearing, 
supposed to be our neighbour's, Sam Little's. 

Happily it proved to be Squire Brushwood's. For Sam Little's, 
it seems, was nothing save a clearing destitute of any cabin; 



8o THE SEARCHING 

while Brushwood's was adorned with a double cabin and all sorts 
of out-houses: and but for the lucky loss of our blaze, we should 
here be recording a night in the woods, to us then as deplorable as 
the prophet's loding, thus poetically lamented in some ancient 
version : 

"Jonah was three days and nights in the whale's belly, 
Without ifire or candle ! 
And nothing had he all the time 
But cold fish g— ts to handle!" 

Whereas, now we were comfortably shedded and had more corn- 
bread and bacon than we could devour. And instead of being 
alone, our wife had, in addition to us and the driver, a guard in 
her bed-room, or rather around her very bed, a guard of four 
other men — the squire, the squire's two sons, and a journeyman 
chopper, whose axe had invited and guided us to the clearing; 
add women and girls too numerous to mention — so that Mrs. Carl- 
ton never felt the least lonesome the livelong night. 

How getting to bed was managed could not be told, as Mrs. C. 
made an extemporary screen by hanging something — "what" — 
oh ! a utility on a rope or grape vine stretched near our quarters : 
only no one went out to see about the weather, and from first to 
last a very animated talk went on in voices of opposite genders, 
and even amid the creaking of ricketty bedsteads and after the 
dying of the fire light. Great adroitness is acquired by women- 
bodies especially in going to repose amidst company. For in- 
stance, we were at Major Billy Westland's in Woodville, once in 
company with several male magnates, when the major's lady with- 
drew from our circle at the fire, as for some domestic duty ; but 
on my accidentally looking around, three minutes after, lo ! there 
was a night-cap peering above the "kiver-lid," and Mrs. Major 
Billy Westland's head in it ! 

Men-folks oversleeping themselves often find, on opening their 
eyes, the girls fixing the table for breakfast ; and then they con- 
trive to put on their indispensables under the cover and in bed. 
Hence, on one memorable occasion, when we were at a wedding, 
our groom having overslept the early morn, made this covert ar- 
rangement with his inexpressibles, and then most courageously 
thrust out among us his invested limbs. But woful ingenuity! — 



THE FINDING 8i 

just then was entering at the opposite door, our groom's brother, 
a gawkey young gentleman, with a green gosling countenance, 
who seeing first the pantalooned limbs, suddenly exclaimed in 
utter amazement at such conduct: — 

"Hey! if our Jess didn't sleep in his breeches!" 

;|c * * * * ^ 

Reader ! — good night ! we are sleepy. 



CHAPTER XIII. 

The Finding. 

"Ilionea petit dextra laevaque " 

"A shaking with both hajids " 

Years had passed since Mrs. C. parted with her nearest rela- 
tives, and among these her mother. We were naturally in haste 
then to leave Brushwood in the morning, Glenville being only two 
miles distant. What was thought of us at Brushwood could now 
be only conjectured; but we learned afterwards, that the screen 
made by Mrs. C. was deemed "powerful proud doings of stuck-up 
folks." And sorry am I to say that in the Purchase, as in some 
other places, such opinion is formed and similarly expressed about 
extra cleanliness, decency, modesty, learning, and the like: if these 
things exceed your neighbour's they subject you to suspicion, 
often to dislike, and not infrequently to rancorous persecution. 
Perhaps the thoughts about you in a New Purchase are boldly 
uttered, yet still, in an Old Purchase, scorn, envy, hatred, are felt 
for your real or supposed excellences, and acted out at the first 
fair opportunities. However, Mr. Carlton himself got so far 
rubbed down in time as to need considerable rubbing up after- 
wards; for he at last, in the Purchase, earned the appellation of 
a — "most powerful clever feller, what could lay down ahind an 
ole-log and hide raw bakin like the best on 'em — as naturally, too, 
as if brung up to it." 

Receiving very straight directions for a very crooked path, we 
set out for Home ! The path was rarely ever travelled by wheels 
and indeed unblazed; and hence we proceeded partly by instinct 



82 THE FINDING 

and partly by trace of ruts seen usually by the eye, but often felt 
after by the feet — one of us always walking before the dearborne, 
while the other drove. This path I had always great difficulty in 
finding. And once the whole Glenville community nearly, having 
to deviate from its direction on account of high waters, were 
actually lost in the bottom for three long hours! To imprint 
the afifair more deeply we met, too, an accident at that time. 
Endeavouring then to drive along a slippery and very steep in- 
clination, away suddenly pitched horse and wagon, and away also 
Mr. and Mrs. Carlton, and one young lady, and two little babies, 
all in an indescribable and mixed succession of somersets, down 
into the ravine ; and yet, strange to tell ! no one was hurt, nothing 
important broken, although when about half way to the bottom 
of the hill, the vehicle was caught by sapling and bush, the 
wagon there sticking, wheels uppermost and the horse on his 
back with the whole four legs turning their shod hoofs into thin 
air instead of thick earth ! What it was, in such a false position, 
I cannot tell ; but so did the two dumb things look, so patient, so 
resigned, appealing so touchingly with outstretched limbs for help, 
that it was long before laughter would permit Mr. Glenville and 
myself to restore wheels and legs to the order of nature. And 
when restored to a proper standing in society, never surely did 
horse and wagon move with more unanimity ! — never did a horse 
before so snort, so toss his head, so shake mane and tail, till by 
practising all parts of his body he was convinced it was only a 
very curious dream, just passed, and he was truly himself again! 
Consequently after that I preferred the better path of Sam Little's 
clearing and the Indian grave. But on the present morning of 
the Finding, Brushwood had directed us "the short cut" to Glen- 
ville Settlement. 

The reader will of course conjecture what happened to novices 
— we lost our way. What with turning aside for logs-unstrad- 
dleable, brush impenetrable, briars intolerable, and for holes we 
cared not to fathom, we made the short path considerably longer 
than the long one, till all at once on clambering up a steep hill, 
farther progress was barred by a lofty and tortuous fence, worm- 
ing around a clearing! At the unwonted noise of cracking brush 
and bush in this quarter, soon, however, came forth from a good 



THE FINDING 83 

log-house in the centre, an ahnost gigantic yet venerable old gentle- 
man, who, to our great surprise, said he was — the Mr. Sturgis — 
i. e. "ole-man Sturgis — fornence" the tannery in the very suburbs 
of Glenville ! Very near ! Reader ! 

After helping to extricate and get our carriage in front of his 
settlement, the old man advised, that, instead of now going away 
round by a very obscure path, we had better proceed right down 
the hill in the direction of the tan-house : especially as to drive 
down the hill would, after all, be not much worse, than the way up 
the hill just come. 

Accordingly we prepared to alight in Glenville : not indeed by 
flying, but by slipping and sliding down on them from our sylvan 
summit. And this was accomplished as follows : — our historian 
and his lady advanced in pedibus — (Latin is more ancient than 
French,) — or more vulgarly, on foot, some yards before the 
wagon; then the author judiciously presented one side towards 
the bottom of the declivity, and the other towards its top; and 
then the author's wife did ditto's; after which her lower hand in 
his upper, the happy couple commenced the glide in that pictur- 
esque attitude and series of linked cadences, he with his dextral 
and unimpeded hand retarding the velocity, when becoming peri- 
lous, by seizing, at suitable intervals, bushes and saplings, until, 
without accident, Mr. and Mrs. Carlton had almost alighted on 
the border of a delightful and pellucid little creek. While above, 
on foot too, and holding his horse near the bit of the bridle, and 
his wagon, were tearing and crashing and thundering down, the 
man partly on his knees, and the horse in a sitting posture like a 
pet-dog at dinner-time, till all seemed like an avalanche of horses 
and wagons from the clouds — or at least, in western parlance, "a. 
right smart sprinkle"of the articles. At all events, the unwonted 
uproar and shouts, and voices and merriment, had announced that 
some wonder was raining down on the settlement — and hence, 
they rushed from the tannery to see what was descending — lo ! 
dear reader — we, Mr. and Mrs. Carlton, now ended our descent 
by gliding into the open arms of uncle John Seymour and his 
nephew John Glenville! And was not that stumbling upon luck? 



84 . FIRST YEAR 

Did you ever go away off, when travelling was the work of 



months — away off, a thousand miles, in search of the nearest and 
dearest kindred — and then, unexpectedly, on a bright and fragrant 
May morning, find those dear ones in the dark depths of an 
almost impervious wilderness? Then did, at that moment, 
thoughts of the past — happiness — homes — comforts — ay! of a 
thousand nameless past things rush like a torrent to your heart — 
then you know how we — met and rejoiced — and wept! How we 
crossed the creek I never knew — all were shaking hands right and 
left — some asking questions — some answering — some sobbing — 
and how could one see with eyes full of tears? — But still I do 
believe we were both hugged over! 

But see ! all Glenville is coming — and the daughter is once 

more upon the bosom of her mother! — yet the voice of .weeping 
are not tears of lamentation — they are tears of joy! 

That morning thanksgiving prayers went up to heaven from 
three households united, and hymns of praise resounded amid the 
wilds : for these families were Christian — and wherever, in their 
many wanderings, they halted as pilgrims for a day or a year, 
there rose the domestic altars. 

God is every where! 



CHAPTER XIV. 

First Year. 

" locus est et pluribus umbris." 

" a shady place for several friends." 

Well ! this is Glenville. Has any body accompanied our for- 
tunes thus far? — that body may as well see us also "out of the 
woods." A sojourn for a few years amid the privations and 
hardships of the New Purchase will fit you better for a home 
in the East — in case, we mean, you stay not so long as to be for- 
gotten by the time you go back. And even then — after the 
first bitter feelings of natural sorrow, of surprise, and perhaps 
of chagrin — believe me, such a force and independence will have 
been added to the character, so much self-reliance gendered, as 



FIRST YEAR 85 

to furnish an almost perpetual and complete substitute in your 
own resources. One perhaps, after a sojourn of the proper kind 
in the New Purchase, is rather in danger of too great a contempt 
for the things of the old: at all events, one, whose spirit is not 
naturally bad, is very much inclined to feel and say, with the good 
humor of Bernadotte, when he finds on his return that the world 
"does not care a fig" for him, "well, tell the world, I do not 
care a fig for it." 

The man who has practised doing with little, and is fully 
satisfied with it, and for years has been very happy with it, is 
really superior to the man even of large fortune, and of many 
wants. Can he be vexed for the want of grand houses, fine 
furniture, sumptuous food, gay equipage, costly apparel and 
the like, who, if he despise not such matters, is soberly and 
philosophically indifferent to them? He has really so schooled 
himself amid rough huts, rude furniture, coarse food, and home- 
spun clothes, as, in his very heart, to prefer them with their 
freedom and independence, to the wearisome and silly, and end- 
less anxiety and toil of living for mere show. 

On your return, if you have your health, in what can any 
one, who fancies himself superior, excel you? He knows not 
as much — he can eat no more — see no more — drink no more — 
sleep no better — live no longer. Can he drive a gig? you can 
drive it where he dares not venture. Suppose he outrides you 
— you can outzvalk him. Does the chap shoot a double-barrelled 
gun? so can you, if you would — but you transcend him, oh! far 
enough with that man's weapon, that in your hands deals, at 
your will, certain death to one selected victim, without scattering 
useless wounds at a venture in a little innocent feathered flock. 

Stay with us, then, reader; and when you do return, you will 
certainly enjoy some plain every-day conveniences at home, once 
undervalued, perhaps despised, but which belong to the tenor 
of life ; you will bear, with good humour, a thousand petty dis- 
quietudes of civilized life, that once kept you, and still keep the 
self-indulged, undisciplined, fashionable vulgar in — "a stew." 
Yes! you will be cured of a very common and dreadful malady, 
rendering one miserable in himself and hateful to others — "the 
fidgets." Nay you will be purged of the "struts and swaggers" 



86 FIRST YEAR 

— the emptiness of a puffy, self-important inflation, generated by 
too long an acquaintance among brick and mortar houses, and 
medicated wooden pavements. In a word, if you become not 
quite as great a man as you formerly designed to be — (and as 
city and town folks all at one time intend) — you will unques- 
tionably, if disposed to learn by a few years residence in a bran 
New Purchase, become a better and a happier man. 

Come, then, I will introduce our settlement. And first, this 
term is applied to a place where one or more families having 
bought lands at the government price from Uncle Samuel, have 
actually located on it ; and, not to a place merely bought for 
speculation, or merely trespassed upon by any of that nondescript 
and original race — the squatters. Indeed, to these a settlement 
is so odious, that they either pay for land and turn into settlers, 
or, as in the more frequent, they become indignant at the legal 
invasion of their domain, and hastily — absquatulate ; that is, 
translated — they go and squat in another place. And such is 
the effect of settlements often in here, up north, down east, and 
so on, where well looking and fine dressed gentlemen become so 
offended at the impertinence of neighbors, that they too absquat- 
ulate: and perhaps better so, as a civilized squatter would rarely 
make a good neighbour, either in or upon a settlement. 

Out there, a settlement usually takes its name from the person 
that first "enters the land," i. e. buys a tract at the land office. 
Often it takes the name from the family first actually settling 
or owning the largest number of acres ; and very frequently from 
the person that establishes a ferry, a smitliery, a mill, a tannery, 
and, above all, a Store. Hence, whilst our brother-in-law was 
no patriarch in looks or age, owned no boundless territory, and 
was, in stature, "the least in his father's house," yet because he 
tanned hides — (for shoes we mean) — and intended soon to sell 
tape by the yard, and buy pork by the cwt. — we were The Glen- 
ville Settlement. And this colony had, within its territories, as 
many as three human habitations ; two occupied by actual set- 
tlers, and one by a very special sort of a squatter — the Leather- 
stocking of our tribe.^ 

^ In Cooper's novel, "The Pioneers," Leatherstocking was the nick- 
name of Natty Bumpo, a half civih'zed chevalier of wild American life. 



FIRST YEAR 87 

On an eminence between the others — and, provided you knew 
how "to holler'' within hearing of both, but owing to inter- 
vening trees, not within sight — stood the primitive and patriarchal 
cabin — the capitol. South-west, distant a quarter of a mile was 
the cabin of the Reverend Mr. Hilsbury, lately married to one 
of Mr. Carlton's sisters ; and directly south of the episcopal resi- 
dence, was the tannery, to which John Glenville, of Glenville, 
owed the honour of giving his name to the colony. Due east 
from the capitol about a furlong, was the squateree of uncle 
Tommy Seymour, our Leatherstocking. So much of his long 
life had passed in the wild woods, and among the Indians, 
that he had thoroughly imbibed their feelings and their senti- 
ments, and had adopted some of their habits ; and therefore he 
had not only acquired an utter distaste, but even a sovereign 
contempt for most usages and trammels of civilization. And 
Uncle Tommy was also a preacher — hence Glenville was two- 
thirds sacred and only one secular! 

Around, were a few other settlements, Sturgis' — Hackberry's 
— Undergrowth's — Brushwood's, and some more: all distant 
from us and one another — some one mile, some ten. The un- 
entered and unsettled tracts between, were our commons, called 
the Range — used for hunting, swine-feeding, and the like. The 
range had, however, inhabitants innumerable : — viz., deer, wolves, 
foxes — blue, gray, and black — squirrels ditto, ground-swine, vul- 
garly called ground-hogs, and wild turkeys, wild ducks, wild cats, 
and wild all the wild what-y'-callums : — opposums too, up, down, 
in, and under gum trees : — snakes, with and without rattles, of 
all colours, from copper to green and black, and of all sizes, 
from ever so little to ever so big. Add — "the neighbours' hogs," 
so wild and fierce, that when pork-time arrives, they must be 
hunted and shot, like other independent beasts. Especially is this 
the case if mast — (nuts and acorns) — is abundant; when swiney 
becomes wholly savage, and loses all reverence for corn-cribs and 
swill-tubs. Ay, gentle reader, our semi-wild boar is a fellow 
something different in look, and rather worse to encounter, when 
saucy or angry, than the vile mud-hole wallower of the Atlantic ! 
If one would understand the wild-boar hunts of Cyrus, or the 
feudal barons — go, get acquainted with the semi-wild fellow of 



88 FIRST YEAR 

the Purchase. The range is perambulated by cattle horned and 
unhorned; by cows, belled and unbelled; and by horses, some 
with yokes and some without : — but notice, yokes are not to pre- 
vent jumping out of inclosures, but into them. In the range are 
also wonderful colts with cunning saucy faces, shaggy manes 
done up with burrs, and with great long tails, so tangled that 
Penelope herself could never disentangle — creatures almost un- 
catchable, and, if caught, nearly untameable. 

Nearly south of Glenville was the grand town — our Woodville. 
And nearly west, some eight or nine miles and a piece, was 
Spiceburgh — at least in dry times ; for the town being on the 
bottom of Shining River was, in hard rains, commonly under 
water, so that a conscientious man dared not then to affirm with- 
out a proviso, where, Spiceburgh was, precisely. North-east from 
us, some fifty long lonesome miles, was the capital of the State 
— Timberopolis ; the seat of the legislature and of mortality.^ But 
death in later times there domineered less. Whether the legis- 
lature reformed and refrained from common mischief is not so 
easy to say. Parties are to this hour, I am informed, themselves, 
divided on that subject — the opposite partizans, however, exactly 
agreeing in this : — viz. that the Ins are a set of ignorant, selfish, 
truckling, snivelling humbuggers, while the Outs are the men to 
save the state — mutatis mutandis. 

In different directions, from Glenville were also Mapville, Map- 
borough and Maptown : in all which the difficulty in seeing the 
towns was not owing to the houses, but the trees. A skillful 
woodsman could, indeed, sometimes find a single house — the 
whole village : but as the citizens were all absent hoeing corn or 
the like, except one or more dirty bare-legged babies fastened 
inside, the lucky hunter, except for the name of being in town, 
might nearly as well be in the country. Unexpectedly, too, would 
a traveller sometimes come into a town of thirty or forty habita- 
tions but without a solitary inhabitant — the cabins all standing 
cold and empty like snail-abandoned shells! For, know, reader, 
that genuine agues out there are often so powerful and vindictive 

2 In the early days of the settlement of Indiana, amid the dampness of 
the uncleared forests and especially on the river-bottom lands, there was 
heavy mortality from malaria and "milk sickness." Indianapolis on the 
White River bottom was in the heart of this region of maladies. 



FIRST YEAR 89 

as to shake, not only individuals out of their skins, but whole 
communities out of their towns and villages ! In this latter case 
the folks swarm like bees and re-settle where the legislature 
appoints a new seat, passing at the time a law that the ague shall 
shake them out no more. 

This, then, is Glenville, its suburbs, its environs, its neighbour- 
hoods, its ranges — all on that grand scale belonging to Nature 
in the Far West, where we have grand woods, grand prairies, 
grand caves, grand rivers, grand bears, grand swine — grand 
everything ! except, maybe, grand rascals, in which we doubtless 
excel here in the East. 

Let us next enter the patriarchal cabin. Here we become ac- 
quainted with Uncle John Seymour and his two sisters, widows, 
Mrs. Glenville and Aunt Kitty Littleton. Here are also encabin- 
ed John Glenville and Miss Emily Glenville, the youngest of the 
family. Here too is a young woman for help — in fact "the gal ;" 
and here are to abide Mr. and Mrs. Carlton — 

"All in one cabin?" 

All in one cabin. But a family you know is the most com- 
pressible and yet the most expansive of bodies. Yes ! here we 
two and a half families endured the compression and lost no 
breath, and even seemed to have a few spare inches of room! 
And yet many years after, in a different part of the world, did 
Mr. Carlton's own single family expand and spread, and without 
any violent effort whatever, their importance through a mansion 
containing fourteen apartments, with cellars, and garrets, and 
kitchens and all — and still fret for the want of room! 

"But what led to the formation of your colony, Mr. Carlton? 
what induced gentlemen and ladies of your education and en- 
dowments to settle in so remote an obscurity?" 

Thank you. Sir — the reasons alluded to in the commencement 
of this history operated in our case as in the cases of a thousand 
others ; but it was mere accident that turned our folks to their 
location in the New Purchase. 

The Seymours at the close of the last war with Great Britain 
resided in Philadelphia. Like others they risked their capital 
during the war in the manufactories of that era ; and like others. 



90 FIRST YEAR 

when peace was proclaimed, the Seymours were ruined.^ John 
Seymour — familiarly known among us as Uncle John — on his 
arrival from the South, where, during a residence of many years 
he had acquired a handsome fortune, found his sisters Mrs. Glen- 
ville and Mrs. Littleton, in great distress, their husbands being 
recently dead ; and having not long before his return buried his 
wife (who however had borne him no children), he immediately 
took under his protection the two widowed ladies, his sisters, 
together with the four children of Mrs. Glenville. Fearing his 
means were not sufficient to sustain the burden providentially cast 
upon him, at least in the way that was desirable, he resolved to 
remove to Kentucky. Accordingly, the newly organized family 
all removed to the West ; with the exception of Miss Eliza Glen- 
ville, who was left to complete her education with the excellent 
and justly celebrated Mr. Jaudon. With this amiable and in- 
teresting creature.* Mr. Carlton, who somehow or other always 
had a taste for sweet and beautiful faces, became acquainted — 
'*Oh! Mr. Carlton!— do tell all about this—" 
Not now, young ladies, something must be reserved for future 
works. But after the usual courtships, lovers' quarrels, scenes 
and walks in the garden — (Pratt's,) versifications, notes on gilt- 
edged, flame-coloured paper, ornamented with cooing doves and 
little fat dumpling cupids — in short, after the most approved 
meltings, misgivings, misapprehensions and so forth, came the 
customary Miss-taking — and with the consent of friends east 
and west we were married. 

It had been part of the arrangement that Mr. and Mrs. Carlton 
should join the family in Kentucky, and that we should establish 
there a Boarding School for Young Ladies ; but now came a let- 
ter from John Glenville that Uncle John unfortunate, not in 

^ The experience of the Seymours as related here was similar to that 
of the many others in the East following the War of 1812. The hard times 
and panic of 1817-19 sent jobless workmen and landless and bankrupt 
debtors to the West in droves and the New Purchase received its share 
of the hardy and adventurous pioneers who were coming West to seek 
out new fortunes and to grow up with the country. The author here indi- 
cates an economic influence of prime importance leading to the settlement 
of the West. 

* The young lady. 



FIRST YEAR 91 

selling a very valuable property at a fair price, but in receiving 
that price in worthless notes of Kentucky banks (which, like 
most banks every twenty or thirty years, had failed), had with 
his remaining funds, as his only resort, bought a tract of govern- 
ment lands in the New Purchase ; and, that, if I could join him 
with a few hundred dollars in a little tanning, store-keeping, and 
honest speculation, we might gain, if not riches, at least indepen- 
dence. He added that maybe something could be done in the 
school line. 

Sorry so good a man as Uncle John — and the world boasts none 
nobler — should be the victim of fraud, yet strange! I found 
mingled with the feeling of distress a secret joy that so plausible 
an inducement existed for a life in the genuine, far away, almost 
unfindable backwoods ! Less poetic indeed than her husband, yet 
Mrs, C. earnestly wished to see her relatives ; and so ofif we started, 
as the reader knows, in Chapter Second, and here we are waking 
up a little from a curious dream, in Chapter Fourteenth. Some 
folks dream all the way through to the very last chapter ! 

Here we found our new relative the Rev. James Hilsbury, 
who had married Sarah Glenville in Kentucky, and was now a 
missionary in the Purchase, in order to look up "a few sheep 
scattered in the wilderness." And to our great amazement here 
we found too, Uncle Leatherstocking ; for about him Glenville 
in his letter had been silent, willing us to be, as all had been, 
taken by surprise ; because the family on removing to their new 
world had found the old gentleman comfortably squatted in a 
little nook of their territories, when he was supposed all the 
time to be yet among the Indians on Lake Michigan ! 

At the time of our arrival Uncle John was barely recovered 
from a very serious hurt received in the early settlement of the 
colony. In order to prepare a cabin he left the family in Ken- 
tucky and went to the Purchase alone ; it being arranged that 
the family under the care of John Glenville should join him as 
soon as information came that things were ready. But one 
day Mr. Seymour, being with his guide in the woods, and in 
the act of mounting a restive horse, the animal scared at the 
near and sudden leap of a deer, plunged and knocked down Mr. 
Seymour, causing the fracture of one arm and several ribs. For 



92 FIRST YEAR 

six dreadful weeks he there lay in consequence, under a shantee 
of poles and bark actually built over him as he lay unable to be 
moved, by some neighbours called by the guide. And these set 
the bones and dressed the wounds, according to Mr. Seymour's 
directions, as well as they could; and then leaving the sufferer 
alone most of the day, as was unavoidable, they brought his 
victuals at iregular intervals, and slept near him by turns at night. 
On one occasion, however, our wounded friend would have re- 
ceived a very disagreeable visitor, but for the fortunate arrival 
at the moment of a neighbour woman with his dinner — who 
exclaimed, 

"Grammins ! neighbour Seymour, if there ain't a powerful nasty 
varmint coming to see you !" 

The nature of the visitor was soon revealed to Uncle John ; 
for alarmed at the approach of the woman, the "nasty varmint" 
close to the patient's head but behind his camp, raising his terrific 
head, made at the same time the whole woods tremulously vocal 
with that rattle so peculiar and so startling even to the accustom- 
ed ear. But scarcely had Uncle John time for alarm before the 
fearless woman had stopped the music ; and then dragging his 
dying snakeship in front of the camp, she first measured his 
length, more than five and a half feet, and secondly pulled off 
what she called "a right smart chance of rattles" and gave them 
to Mr. Seymour. And this memento of his escape. Uncle John 
one day as he narrated the affair, handed over to me to hang to 
the sounding post of my fiddle — such being the western secret 
of converting common violins into cremonas. I tried the ex- 
periment of course; but not being willing to take out a patent, 
I now oft'er the said rattles to any ingenious Yankee (who wishes 
to try the thing), for a box of clarified rosin! — the rattles count 
sixteen and a button; just sixteen semi, and part of a demisemi- 
quaver to every shake! 

As soon as Mr. Seymour could be carried, he was conveyed to 
Mr. Sturgis' house, and then he wrote for his family; who has- 
tening on through many inconveniences and perils, all arrived in 
safety and found Uncle John just able to walk without assistance. 
But as to the cabin it was as yet unchinked, undaubed, and with- 
out its stack chimney; yet into that deplorable hovel all were 



FIRST YEAR 93 

forced to remove and complete it at their leisure ! Ay, folks 
that knew all about three story brjck houses in Philadelphia! 
and who had ridden in their own carriages, in the settlements of 
the Old Purchase! and promenaded Chestnut-street, some of 
them haughtily, and proudly, and delicately! 

Ye that have paid $20,000 for a dwelling, what do you think 
of a dwelling that cost 20,000 cents? — for that our cabin cost — 
and experienced woodmen said that was too much — that Uncle 
John had been cheated — and that our cabin could have been 
finished off for $10! from the laying of the first stick to the 
topping of the chimney ! ! 

Our cabin was in truth a cabin of the Rough Order; for 
reader, the orders of cabin architecture are various like those 
of the Greek; for instance — tJie Scotched Order. In this, logs 
are hacked longitudinally and a slice taken from one side, the 
primitive bark being left on the other sides. The scotching, 
however, is usually done for pastime by the boys and young 
women, while the men are cutting or hauling other timbers. 
The Hezved Order — in which logs, like the stones for Solomon's 
Temple, are dressed on purpose. The Stick-out-Corner Order 
— the logs left to project at the corners; and the reverse of this, 
the Cut-off-Corner Order. I might name too, the Doubtful or 
Double Order. In this, two cabins are built together, but until 
the addition of chimneys, it is doubtful whether the structure is 
for men or brutes; and also the Composite Order — i. e. loggeries 
with stone or brick chimneys. 

But our abode was, from necessity, of the Rough Order — its 
logs being wholly unhewed and unscotched — its corners project- 
ing and hung with horse collars, gears, rough towels, dish cleaners 
and calabashes !^ it had moreover a very rude puncheon floor, a 
clapboard roof, and a clapboard door; while for window a log 
in the erection had been skipped, and through this longitudinal 
aperture came light and — also wind, it being occasionally shut 
at first with a blanket, afterwards with a clapboard shutter. 
Neither nail nor spike held any part of the cabin together; and 
even the door was hung not with iron, but with broad hinges of 

5 The usual water dippers in the pioneer cabin homes were made from 
the calabashes, or gourds. 



94 FIRST YEAR 

tough bacon skin. These, however, our two dogs, (of whom more 
hereafter,) soon smelled and finally gnawed clean ofif, when we 
pinned on thick half tanned leather, which swagging till the door 
dragged on the earth, we at last manufactured wooden hinges; 
and these remained till the dissolution of our colony. The en- 
tire structure was, in theory, twenty feet square, as measured by 
an axe-handle having set off on itself two feet from the store 
keeper's yardstick, where the cabin builder bought his handle at 
Woodville. But I ever believed the yardstick itself must have 
shrunk in seasoning, because our carpets stretched inside, as will 
be described in the next Chapter, made the gross length only 
nineteen feet two inches, and the neat length inside, an average 
about seventeen feet one inch. As our arrival caused a new ar- 
rangement of the interior cabin, we shall start on this subject 
afresh in 



CHAPTER XV. 

" Qui miscuit utile dulci." 

" Which mixes soap and sugar." 

Thrifty housewives in cutting little boys' roundabouts and 
trowsers always contrive out of a scant pattern of pepper and salt 
stuff, to leave enough for patches ; but for the Glenvillians it re- 
mained to subdivide two hundred and eighty nine square feet 
of internal cabin into all the apartments of a commodious man- 
sion. Hence ours became the model cabin in the Purchase. 

And first, the puncheoned area was separated into two grand 
parts, by an honest Scotch carpet hung over a stout pole that 
ran across with ends rested on the opposite wall plates ; the 
woollen portion having two-thirds of the space on one side and 
the remaining third on the other. 

Secondly, the larger space was then itself subdivided by other 
carpets and buffalo robes into chambers, each containing one 
bed and twelve nominal inches to fix and unfix in ; while trunks, 
boxes and the like plunder were stationed under the bed. Ar- 
ticles intended by nature to be hung, frocks, hats, coats, &c., 



FIRST YEAR 95 

were pendent from hooks and pegs of wood inserted into the 
wall. To move or turn around in such a chamber without mis- 
chief done or got was difficult; and yet we came at last to the 
skill of a conjuror that can dance blindfolded among eggs — we 
could in the day without light and at night in double darkness, 
get along and without displacing, knocking down, kicking over, 
or tearing! 

The chambers were, one for Uncle John and his nephew ; one 
for the widow ladies and Miss Emily, who, being the pet, nestled 
at night in a trundle bed, partly under the large one ; and one very 
small room for the help, which was separated from the Mistress' 
chamber by pendulous petticoats. Our apprentices slept in an 
out-house. These chambers were all south of the grand hall of 
eighteen inches wide between the suites ; on the north, being first 
our room and next it the stranger's — a room into which at a 
pinch were several times packed three bodies of divinity or cler- 
ical dignitaries. Beyond the hospitality chamber was the toilette 
room, fitted with glasses, combs, hair-brushes, &c., and after 
our arrival, furnished with the first glass window in that part of 
the Purchase. The window was of domestic manufacture, be- 
ing one fixed sash containing four panes, each eight by ten's, 
by whose light in warm weather we could not only fix but also 
read in retirement. 

Thirdly, the smaller space, east of the Scotch wall, was sub- 
divided, but like zones and tropics, with mere imaginary lines. 
Front of the fire-place was the parlour. Into it were ushered 
visitors, mainly, however, to prevent curiosity or awkwardness 
from meddling with the corners and their uses ; but against 
which we were forced finally to place a table or two as pre- 
ventives. 

The right hand corner was the ladies' private sitting room. It 
was fitted with clap-board shelves, and on these were arranged 
work-bags, boxes, baskets, paint-boxes, machinery for sewing, 
knitting, &c. The left side and whole corner was the library, 
or as usually styled — Carlton's study. 

Our artificial rooms were indeed connected with some anom- 
alies : for instance, under the parlour, was the Potato Hole ! 
And that held about twenty bushels. The descent into this 



96 FIRST YEAR 

spacious vault, was accomplished by raising a puncheon and 
vaulting down on the vegetables ; the ascent, by resting the hands 
on the edges of the parlour floor and weighing the body up. 
Again, Carlton's study had in it a species of dresser-closet, in- 
vented and constructed by the author himself. It was construct- 
ed of clap-boards dressed with a hatchet, and held on some 
shelves, books in several languages, writings, plates, knives, fid- 
dle, pepper-box, flute, mustard-box, and box of rosin, and so on; 
while some modest and light cooking utensils were lodged in 
the basement story shelves. To conceal the structure was hung 
over as much of its front as could be covered, an invalid table 
cloth, very white and very patched. 

The kitchen proper had, about ten yards from the mansion 
house, a whole cabin to itself. Here were all the vulgar pots, 
kettles, frying-pans, homminy-block, and the like ; here the com- 
mon cooking, the washing and ironing, and weaving, and — oh ! 
ever so many — common and uncommon — common things besides. 
Pickling, preserving, cake-baking, clear-starching, sugar-refining, 
ruffie-ironing, candy-making, and all such polite affairs were 
commonly honoured with attention in the parlour. 

Like most grandee people brought low and "flitting" to the 
West, our plunder was, like the Vicar's Family Picture, too 
large for the house. We had also no small quantum of envy 
and jealousy exciting articles, "the like of which had never been 
seen growing among corn," at least in the Purchase — and such, 
policy required should be hid. Many things, therefore, were left 
packed and deposited in lofts and outhouses. Still some impolitic 
articles were unpacked, being, however, kept concealed behind 
the curtain — like sacred mysteries from the eyes and hands of 
the profane. But an accident soon after our arrival delivered 
the colony from part of these. 

A large, antique, and elegantly Japanned waiter had been nicely 
balanced on a shelf in the toilette chamber; and on this grand 
affair were tastefully set numerous anti-tee-total glasses, jelly 
glasses, remains of a gilded French china tea set, and ever so 
many Reliquioc Danaum — all regarded, I fear, with half repress- 
ed elation, as shining remembrances of departed glory and great- 
ness. Anyhow, more than once on my sudden appearance behind 



FIRST YEAR 97 

the woolly rampart, there was Mrs. C, ay, and even Aunt Kitty 
herself, a handling, and a dusting, and a refixing the relics, as 
devout as if all had been saints' bones — often with smiles of 
complacency — but sometimes with tears! And, after all, per- 
haps, that was not so very unreasonable : — friends far away now 
— yes some no more on earth — dear friends had once surrounded 
that very waiter — sipped tea from those very cups — and in the 
fashion of bygone days, had drunk healths from those glasses. 
Reader! may be you have shed secret tears yourself over such 
things? We think of friends then, do we not? Mournful shad- 
ows of the past are in the vision ! But the Genius of the Woods 
was incensed : and mark the consequences. 

One day Mrs. Seymour entered the parlour with a cake of 
sugar-tree sugar in her hands, and nearly as large and heavy as 
she could conveniently carry. After our unanimous admiration 
of its size, and breaking off lumps to taste, the dear old lady dis- 
appeared to deposit the saccharine treasure on the great store 
shelf constructed immediately over the waiter of idols. Now oak 
pins are very strong, tough and tenacious, and of most Job-like 
endurance — but the creatures will not bear every thing; hence 
the two enormous pins under the store shelf had repeatedly sighed 
forth remonstrances, as extra pound after pound of hard soap, 
sugar, tallow, and jugs of vinegar and molasses, and what nots, 
were cruelly and inconsiderately added to the already almost 
insupportable weight. But to-day. when that hugeous lump of 
sugar was suddenly added to the grievance, the indignant pins 
would stick to it no longer: in a moment — without one further 
premonitory creak, off they both snapped simultaneously — and 
down came the soap and sugar and tallow — down came the store 
tea and the true coffee-coffee, and the rye-coffee, and the ocra, 
and the spices in brown paper bags, and the pepper, red and black 
in exiled tea cups ! Ah ! yes ! alas ! alas ! and down came that 
japanned waiter and its gilded cups, and conical glasses for 
wine, and bell-mouthed ones for ices and jellies! and, moreover, 
down went the dear old lady of the crimped cap, all rolling, 
heaped, mixed higgledee-piggledee, into one bushel and a peck of 
yellow corn meal reposing in a wash tub, and thirty-one and a 
half pounds of wheat flour in a half-bushel measure, below! So 



98 FIRST YEAR 

much can a big lump of unclarified backwoods sugar do! Ah! 
had it been double rectified loaf, in blue paper, of a conical form 
and neatly bound with hard twisted twines, dividing off circles 
and parabolas! But a lump of uncivilized sweetness just turned 
out of a pot! 

Mrs. Seymour, however, was soon extricated amid the almost 
endless oh's — ah's who-could-have-thoug<ht-it's — and similar ex- 
clamations, queries, reproaches and extenuations, pertaining to ac- 
cidents created by ourselves ; and happily she had sustained no 
injury whatever, although the outer woman was considerably 
well sugared, well mealed, well vinegared, and not a little soaped ! 
But the glory of the brittle ware shone only in pieces — multiplied 
but not increased ! Not an idol escaped, save a little punch goblet 
belonging to the Carlton ancestry, and at the time considerably 
more than a century old! and whether the sagacity of age was 
the cause or not, this ancient relic contrived to roll by itself into 
an untouched part of the meal tub, where after the pell-mell 
ended, it was discovered, whole and sound. If any one is in- 
credulous we will show him when he calls, the venerable article 
yet preserved in cotton ! 

About the time of the accident just told, the venerable old pier 
glass, suspended opposite the only door of the cabin was threat- 
ened with a very great danger. A neighbour having ended a 
morning call, that, according to the etiquette of the Purchase, 
had lasted from a short time after breakfast till past noon, rose 
to depart with the farewell formula, "Well, I allow I must be a 
sort a-goin," and then off he started with great activity in the di- 
rection of the door visible but not real. In other words mistaking 
the open door reflected in the glass for the true door, he began 
kicking his heavy shod feet towards the mirror ; but as he ducked 
his head to clear the lintel of the scant door, he naturally en- 
countered a rough looking personage seemingly butting against 
himself from the apparent door — when round he wheeled, con- 
fused indeed, but just in time, (and before we could have ar- 
rested him) to avoid stepping into the very bosom of the old 
reflector. 

Such risk was too great for the glass to encounter again, and 
so it was carefully re-packed and put away 'till we removed some 



FIRST YEAR 99 

years after to Woodville; where, as it could be placed so as to 
imitate neither door nor window, it was brought again into the 
light and permitted to renew its reflections. Alas ! then, however, 
a dear face that had been familiar to the old mirror for nearly 
three-fourths of a century, was seen pictured there no more! 
Young and joyous, and pleasant faces, have often since peeped 
from its bosom ; but never one so mild, so resigned, so radiant 
even on earth with beams from the heavenly world, as that 
venerable and venerated countenance gazing now and with out a 
medium upon the resplendent and ravishing scenes ! 

Pulvis et umbra sumus ! 



CHAPTER XVI. 

"Quadrupedante putrem quatit ungula campum." 
"A horse a horse ! my kingdom for a horse !" 

J. Glenville and myself, not being able to complete certain 
arrangements immediately, my first summer and autumn were 
spent in learning two arts, the one tending to the preservation of 
hides, the other, to the destruction of hides : — grinding bark, and 
rifle-shooting. The present chapter is devoted to the former, the 
subsequent one, to the latter art. 

Our bark-house was of the Grecian architecture in its infancy, 
being almost wholly upright poles as columns, on which reposed, 
(when the grinding ceased,) the calm moonlight horizontals, kept 
from falling off by the crotches of the perpendiculars. On the 
horizontals were laid other poles, and on these the roof, the 
latter being with due regard itself made of bark. Under this 
shelter was our store of bark, mostly oak and chestnut, with here 
and there a pile of beech ; and here, at one end, was our — ay ! 
what shall it be called? Ye tanners and curriers, and all ye other 
hide dressers ! Shall ye say our bark-masher — or breaker — 
or mill — or pounder — or tritterer? However, I will describe, 
and you name. 

First, was a hexagonal beam. This stood up nearly perpen- 
dicular, its iron pivots at each inserted into iron sockets fastened 
above and below ; and by means of these pivots the beam could. 



loo FIRST YEAR 

when required, circulate with entire freedom. Next, into this 
hexagonal, was fixed at right angles an hexagonal axis, yet free 
to move at the end inserted; while its other end, passing first the 
nominal centre of a wheel (the axis there being wedged in theory 
immoveable), it continued beyond the lateral surface of said wheel 
far enough to admit fixtures for Old Dick — a quadruped pre- 
sently to be introduced, not fashionably and formally by the tip 
of a hat and the tip of a finger, but in detail, i. e. from head to 
tail. 

But the wheel! — ah! had we that wheel and dear Old Dick in 
here to grind bark as a show ! It came nearer perpetual motion, 
that is, when Dick was harnessed, and I had the rake in my hand, 
nearer than anything I have ever known since Redheifer's. The 
article was composed of eight large white-oak blocks; the four 
interior ones being parallelogramic, the four circumferential, 
plano-convex ; and all bound by long wooden pins driven from the 
circumference, and by enormous clamps on the lateral surfaces. 
In this state of e pluribus unum, the aflfair was as near a circle as 
is the earth to a sphere ; and when art so closely resembles nature 
wheelwrights should be satisfied. But when motion began, the 
sections and segments not moving unanimously, circles were 
evolved whose circumferences did not obey the definition, in 
preserving equal distances from the centre — nor did the centre 
stick exactly to its own point. Especially were these irregularities 
visible, if old Dick became fidgetty, or "suspicioned" I was going 
to rake him — when he would jerk the whole concern with so sud- 
den a vengeance, as not only to displace the central wedges in- 
tended to confine the axis in the wheel, but to threaten the disso- 
lution of the whole bark house. 

The wheel (by courtesy), was fourteen inches thick; and its 
circumference was pierced with many holes by an inch-and-quarter 
auger to the depth of eight inches in towards the centre ; and these 
holes were armed with strong pegs or wooden teeth, driven to the 
entire depth, and left projecting from the circumference about 
four inches each: — the whole thus forming as tremendous and 
effective an engine of torture as the best inquisitors could desire 
for the extension of the Church. Indeed, if any saint, after his 
Holiness shall have converted our pagan countries, shall wish 



FIRST YEAR lOl 

with young Doctor Oxford to break ungodly heretics, either on 
or under the wheel, for offences against the State, ours would be 
the very dandy. But let no Mr, Dominick think Old Dick could 
have been either persuaded or goaded to pull the wheel over human 
beings: hardly could he be frightened or coaxed to pull it over 
lifeless bark 1 No 1 no ! godly people must work the wheel them- 
selves, unless they prefer to turn It into a treadmill, or employ 
steam. 

Lastly, the floor. This had the perpendicular, hexagonal rotary 
shaft first described, as its centre, or thereabouts; whence ex- 
tended imaginary radii, some five, others nearly six feet, render- 
ing it doubtful if three times the diameter was precisely equal 
to the circumference. Still the circumference being bounded by 
a border rising above the floor an average of ten inches, the con- 
tents of the area could easily be known by the wheelbarrow loads 
of ground bark carried thence to the vats — near enough at least 
for a popular lecture before some institute of practical science. 

Another last word, however, seems necessary here, about our 
floor. It was of puncheons. Not, my, friend, the puncheons of 
brandy stores, distilleries, or other alcoholic abodes, but back- 
wood puncheons. And these are a species of Robinson Crusoe 
board, being planks from three to ten feet long, and from two to 
five inches thick; and wide as the size of the trees whence they 
are severally hewed by the means of axe and adze. On such 
gigantic flooring do primitive Buckeyes, Hoosiers and the like 
tread and sleep, after the departure of the red aboriginals. 

But come, Dick, my nonpareil of "boss beasts," trot up, for thy 
history and portrait. 

When this remarkable quadruped was foaled is uncertain. 
No satisfaction on this point could be gained even from his own 
mouth: not that Dick would utter a deliberate falsehood — 
that was impossible — but still the answers he gave by his mouth, 
to different experienced jockeys, made some say he was sixteen, 
and others twenty-six years old ! — I have known some even insist 
he must be at least thirty ! and some even forty ! I incline to the 
opinion, however, that, like certain human bachelors, Dick was 
of no particular age. 

It is agreed by all that he was foaled, however, and in Penn- 



102 FIRST YEAR 

sylvania, among the mountains about the Bear Gap. Here he 
was brought up to the wagoning business, having served his ap- 
prenticeship with the famous teamster, Mr. Conestoga Dutchy. 
Acting in his tender years as wheel-horse, he was so constantly 
squeezed between the wagon pushing him forward from his tail, 
and his master pulling him backward from his head, that his 
longitudinal growth was very greatly impeded, and it could be said, 
not that Dick was longer than any other brief horse, but only 
not quite so short. Happily, what was wanting to the fellow's 
longitude was added to his latitude ; and after all, he had as much 
weight of character as longer horses, and, like a French bullet, 
more too in a lump. On emergencies, although Dick was edu- 
cated as a wheel-horse, he could act in the lead, and well under- 
stood the difference between the line jerked and the line pulled 
— indeed, better, I must confess, than Mr. Carlton himself, who 
often managed the line wrong, to the great jeopardy of his load; 
only Dick, out of generosity, would usually go the way the driver 
meant, but for which in ignorance, he had given the improper 
signal. 

At the earnest recommendation of their mutual friends, Dick 
was bought as a family horse by Uncle John, when in Northum- 
berland. Accordingly the fellow, after performing wonders on 
the journey from Philadelphia to the West, in hawing and geeing, 
and in pulling right dead ahead up one side a mountain and hold- 
ing back down the other; and after having ploughed, and har- 
rowed, and thrashed, &c. in Kentucky, came at last with the 
family to the Purchase, where at our arrival he was cherished as 
no unimportant member of the Glenville community. 

Here he hauled logs for cabins and fires, bark for the tannery, 
went to mill both with and without the cart, and sometimes to 
meeting and sometimes to Woodville. In going to mill without the 
cart he usually carried one man and two bags, bag No. i, full 
of wheat, bag No. 2, full of corn, and this was always the case in 
freshets, for Dick forded creeks like a sea-horse; although the 
things on his back might keep dry if they could, his own being 
under water: as to being floated away — phoo! — preposterous! — 
Dick could stay a creek like a dam! He could grind bark too; 
carry raw hides and hides tanned, having no fears either about 



FIRST YEAR 103 

his own ! It was almost like that of a rhinoceros, and would have 
resisted every process to transmute it into leather, patent or un- 
patent — and we used both. 

But nothing so endeared Dick to his friends as his mental and 
moral qualities. He was for these worthy of the fairy age ; and 
had he lived in the days of Beauty and the Beast, I do think he 
would have talked right out as well as the best of the brutes 
belonging to the era. He was, among other matters, the only 
horse that had a relish for practical jokes. Let any one leave a 
nice flitch of fat bacon in the sun till the pot was ready, under the 
notion too, that greasing a horse's teeth will stop his eating oats, 
the rascal was sure to smell out and devour it! Let the girl set 
out a swill for Sukey, and turn away a few moments — you might 
catch sight of the tip of Dick's ear as he peeped from behind the 
smoke house till the coast was clear, and the next instant he 
would be gobbling the mess, lifting his black-brown head to grin 
at the stupid cow, and with a keen twinkling eye watching the re- 
turn of the girl. And when the help came in a whirlwind of 
wrath not indeed on but zvith a broomstick — bah ! how he would 
heel it snorting and showing his teeth equivalent with him to 
saying — "catch a duck asleep!" Or when Dick was regaling on 
his own allowance of corn on the ear, in the front of the inclined 
cart, and swiney ran grunting up for a chance grain or so dropped 
on the ground, our wag would on a sudden with his teeth seize 
the unschooled creature just back of the shoulders, and then lift- 
ing him up, shake him so as to fill all Glenville with the squealings 
of terror or pain ; making it evident to all untutored beasts that 
Dick himself had lived when the schoolmaster was abroad. 

He was kind to men ; but to women he was specially kind. For 
fun he would carry males double and even treble ; but females 
might be packed from stem to stern and the kind soul would trot 
away with an evident care. True, he would now and then turn 
his quizzical head with a make-believe snap at the dangling feet, 
but it was manifest all was sham from his peculiar grin — (his way 
of laughing) — when any not acquainted with the trick would 
scream or jump down. When thus used for sport, no saddle or 
bridle was needed, the passengers on the forecastle holding by the 
mane, those on the poop, by the helm, and those amidships sitting, 



I04 FIRST YEAR 

a la squaw, with ancles on both sides. The steering was, how- 
ever, done at the prow by boxing his ears ; when he turned at right 
angles with the slap, and if fun was to be made, which was always 
indicated to him by a peculiarity in the slapping, he turned so 
suddenly as to occasion the rise, the fall, and the flourish of petti- 
coats. And indeed this was the grand recreation and sport in the 
whole affair ! and a ride on old Dick was one of the inducements 
to the young ladies from the neighbourhoods to visit Glenville ! 

Ay! you may suspend all this on your nose: but, believe me, 
in no way is the fear of the East before people's eyes out there; 
secondly, folks will play ; and thirdly, remember "de gustibus non" 
— i. e. literally translated "some love hog and homminy." 

But I must not make too large a picture; so with the mention 
of Dick's idyosyncracy — (for since the birth of Phrenology that 
disease is quite fashionable) — we shall for the present suffer him 
to trot away. Like other celebrated persons he had then his 
antipathies : he never could bear the sight of a dead owl ! and, 
unless blindfolded, would never carry on his back the carcass of 
a dead deer! And this, after carrying barn-hill fowls a dozen at 
a time tied by the legs and dangling against his sides ! and tanned 
and raw hides innumerable! Hence his enemies may suppose it 
was all affectation — ^but it was no such thing — it was real and un- 
controllable idyosyncracy — as real as Dr. Reverence's towards a 
live cat, or Col. Butcher's towards a drawn sword ! 

Such then was our barkery, our bark, and our bark grinder — 
and, such was old Dick. But all in motion ! Can one without a 
black board and diagrams exhibit the cycloids of that uncircular 
roundity — the wheel ? Can we without brass bands and bad play- 
ers make audible the skreaking of the ungreased pivots? — the 
curious moaning and growling of the axis? — and the dreadful 
cracking and crashing of the bark under the miniature Jugger- 
naut? And who has skill to catch and fix on paper, or canvas, 
the look and manner of that more than half reasoning horse? — 
after resting the full hour I had been in chase of a playful 
squirrel, starting off at the crack of the rifle, and trying to prove 
by his manner that he had been going all the time ! 

If any one is Hogarth enough when he undertakes this work 
with "picters to match," let him not fail to illustrate old Dick 
and the Bark Mill. 



CHAPTER XVII. 

"Omne tulit punctum," 
"Centre every time." 

Reader, were you ever fired with the love of rifle shooting? 
If so, the confidence now reposed in your honour will not be 
abused, when told my love for that noble art is unabated : nay, let 
me whisper in your ear — 

"What yet?" 

Yes — in the corner of my bed chamber a genuine New Purchase 
rifle ! And all the forest equipments, — otter skin bullet pouch with 
a tail gracefully pendent — a scalping knife in a sheath adorned 
with porcupine quills — a savage little hatchet — a powder horn, 
and its loader of deer-horn, tied on with a deer sinew and holding 
enough to prime a shot gun — a mould running three hundred 
and twenty-five to the pound — wipers — an iron hook to tote 
squirrels — and some hundred and fifty patches all strung and fast- 
ened to the leather strap of the pouch — ay ! and a pair of mocca- 
sins and pair of green leggins, and — 

"Do you ever yet go a gunning?' 

Gunning ! — alas ! is that degrading appellation to be applied to 
hunting! — ^but how should they know? Yes, I do steal oflf some- 
times and try to fancy myself in the woods. But what are these 
scrawney little trees fenced in to prevent cattle from eating them 
down ? Where is a squirrel, or a raccoon, or a fox, or a turkey to 
hide? And where can one lose himself and camp out? No 
grand and centurial trees here reaching up to heaven and sending 
roots to the centre of the earth ! No hollow caverns in enormous 
trunks, where wolves and bears may lurk ! No vast sheltering ex- 
panse of tops where panthers and wild cats may find security 
How vain to think of crawling through a thicket of undergrowth 
to the leeside of a deer, stopping with moccasined foot — stirring 
no leaves — cracking no twig — shaking no bushes — till one can get 
within the magical distance, a hundred yards. Nothing, nothing 
here, to excite dread, call forth skill, reward toil, and show the 
independence of the hunter. 

True, I make-believe, like little girls, playing baby house; I 

105 



io6 FIRST YEAR 

say to myself, "Now Carlton, 'spose that old log away off there 
was a bear? — or that tame turkey a wild one? — or that cream- 
coloured calf a deer — or that sharp eared dog a wolf?" And 
instinctively I catch myself with my side that way, drawing a 
bead with one eye into the hind sight and fixing the other on the 
may-ibe game, and then, clicks goes the trigger. Fortunate, the 
rifle is not cocked. Indeed, these rehearsals are always without 
a load; if not, farewell to the integrity of the little knot in the 
old log — and to the gambols of calf and dog — good night to the 
eyes of farm turkies and dunghill roosters ! 

In vain do flocks of black-birds and robbins, and tom-tits rise ! 
— they might perch on my shoulders: for who but a wretched 
dandy and shot-gun driveller, with a double-barrelled gun, a 
whole pound of powder! and four pounds of shot! will fire at a 
flock, killing two and wounding twenty? To be sure a curious 
stranger will sometimes meet us and politely request to see "a 
rifle discharged!" and with an incredulous smile wonder if a 
man can really hit a solitary single bird with so "minute" a ball ! 
And then we cannot but show off, and so we begin with amazing 
condescension : 

"Sir! do you see that little blue bird?" 
"Oh ! yes ! that tiny creature on the next tree." 
" 'Tut, no ! — that to your right, on the post." 
"What! that away there? too far. Sir, too far." 
"Too far! — forty-five yards in a straight line!!" 
Reader, we hit at any height or in any direction ; but a horizon- 
tal or a little below is our preference. The rifle is better balanced, 
and the light, especially in opposition to the sun, is thus less 
dazzling and makes the cleanest bead. Hence I select, if possible, 
on occasions like the present a bird so placed as to render the 
affair more like our target firing. 

"Now, Sir."— we continue— "I shall hit that bird." 
"If you do, I will eat it." 

"Then you will have your supper in a second or two." 

And with that I set triggers — toss down my hat — feel for a 

level with my feet — cock rifle — turn left side to the mark — raise 

the piece with my thumb on the cock — incline shoulders back with 

knees bending outward — till the mass of man and gun rest on 



FIRST YEAR 107 

the base — let fall the rifle a little below object — and then, ceasing 
to breathe and stopping my pulse, and bringing into the hind sight 
a silver bead like a pin's head, I rapidly raise that bead till dark- 
ened by the feathers under the throat — and the next you see is a 
gentle flutter of spread wings as if the poor little creature was 
flying down for a worm or a crumb. 

"Ah ! Sir, you've only inflicted a severe wound ; but really this 
is wonderful ! I could hardly believe in this skill unless I saw it." 

"Well, sir, please pick it up; the poor tit is dead enough, and 
never knew what hurt him." And of course, reader, it must be 
so, for the bird's head is off. 

Such skill was of course not the work of a day. Ounces of 
powder and pounds of lead were spent in vain first, and many a 
squirrel, at the crack of the rifle, would remain chattering or 
eating a nut, imagining somebody was shooting somewhere ; until 
conjecturing by the third or fourth ball pealing bark some two or 
three feet from him, that the firing was rather in his direction, 
away he would scud for fear a chance bullet should maybe hit 
him ! But my heart was in the matter in those days. Hence it is 
no great marvel if in due time my rifle dealt out certain death 
second to none in the Purchase. What avail then concealment in 
the topmost branches ; there was the dark spot of a body or a 
head amid the green leaves. What! a retreat behind crotches or 
into holes ; there was yet the tip of an ear or point of a nose, 
or twinkle of an eye. Or did a squirrel expand on a small limb 
till his body above was a mere line of fur on the bark like feathery 
hair on a caterpillar? in vain, "the meat" was mine. 

A squirrel once so stretched himself as to create a doubt 
whether a squirrel was above the branch or not ; 'but firing 
secundum artem down he came, and, as was necessary, dead. 

Yet wound external had he none; he had been killed, as 
is often the case, although it occurred but once with me, by 
concussion; the ball having struck the limb of the tree exactly 
under his heart. 

Let none think we western people follow rifle shooting, 
however, for mere sport; that would be nearly as ignoble) 
as shot gun idleness The rifle procures, at certain seasons, the 
only meat we ever taste ; it defends our homes from wild animals 



io8 FIRST YEAR 

and saves our corn fields from squirrels and our hen-roosts from 
foxes, owls, opossums and other "varments." With it we kill our 
beeves and our hogs, and cut off our fowls' heads : do all things 
in fact, of the sort with it, where others use an axe, or a knife, 
or that far east savagism, the thumb and finger. The rifle is a 
woodman's lasso. He carries it everywhere as (a very degrading 
comparison for the gun, but none other occurs), a dandy a cane. 
All, then, who came to our tannery or store came thus armed ; and 
rarely did a customer go, till his rifle had been tried at a mark, 
living or dead, and we had listened to achievements it had done 
and could do again. No wonder, in these circumstances, if I 
should practice; especially when it needed but the flash of a rifle 
pan to set off our in-bred magazine of love and tendencies towards 
bullet moulds and horn loaders! No wonder, that, after many, 
failures, even in hitting a tree, Mr. Carlton could be seen in his 
glory at last, standing within lines of beholders right and left, and 
at forty-five yards off-hand planting bullet after bullet into the 
same auger hole ! Reader ! may you live a thousand years ; but if 
you must die, unless somebody will save your life by splitting an 
apple on your head — (William Tell size) — at fifty yards off-hand 
with a rifle ball, send for me — shut your eyes for fear of flinching 
— and at the crack — ^go, your life is your own. 

Old Dick is one hobby often mounted literally and maybe now 
too often, metaphorically, the rifle is my other: But with this 
by no means must we bore you ; and, therefore, after narrating 
my famous shots in behalf of the Temperance Society, we shall 
for the present put the gun on the rack over the fireplace. 

Glenville and myself were once, on some mercantile affairs, 
travelling in an adjoining county, when we came suddenly on a 
party preparing to shoot at a mark; and from the energy of 
words and gestures it was plain enough a prize of unusual im- 
portance was proposed. We halted a moment, and found the 
stake to be a half-barrel of whiskey. If ever, then and there was 
to be sharp-shooting; and without question, then and there was 
present every chap in the settlements that could split a bullet on 
his knife blade or take the rag off the bush. 

"Glenville," said I, seized with a sudden whim, "lend me fifty 
cents; I mean to shoot." 



FIRST YEAR 109 

"Nonsense ! Carlton ; you can't win here ; and if you could, what 
does the president of a temperance society want with a barrel of 
whiskey?" 

"John, if I can find a gun here anything like my own, I can 
win. And although I have never before won or lost a penny, I 
shall risk half a dollar now for the fun of the thing, and to have 
the satisfaction of knocking yonder barrel in the head and letting 
out the stuff into the branch here." 

After some further discussion Glenville acquiesced, and we 
drew near the party; where dismounting, I made the following 
speech and proposal : 

"Well, gentlemen, I think I can outshoot any man on the 
ground, if you will let us come in and any neighbour here will 
allow me to shoot his gun, in case I can find one to my notion ; 
and here's my fifty cents for the chance. But, gentlemen and fel- 
low citizens, I intend to be right out and out like a backwoods- 
man ; and so you must all know we are cold water men, and don't 
believe in whiskey ; and so, in case we win, the barrel is, you 
know, ours, and then I shall knock the article in the head. But 
then we are willing to pay either in money or temperance tracts 
the amount of treat every gentleman will get if anybody else 
wins." 

To this a fine, hardy looking farmer apparently some sixty 
years old and evidently the patriarch of the settlement, replied : 

"Well, stranger, come on; you're a powerful honest man any 
how; and here's my hand to it; if you win, which will a sort a 
tough you though, you may knock the stingo in the head. And 
stranger, you kin have this here gun of mine, or Long Jake's 
thare ; or any one you have a notion on. How do you shoot?" 

"Off-hand, neighbour; any allowance?" 

"Yes; one hundred yards with a rest; eighty-five yards off- 
hand." 

"Agreed." 

"Agreed." 

Arrangements and conditions, usual in grand contests like that 
before us, were these: 

1st. A place level as possible was selected and cleared of all 
intervening bushes, twigs, &c. 2d. A large tree was chosen. 



no FIRST YEAR 

Against this the target shingles were to be set, and from its roots 
or rather trunk, were measured off towards the upper end of the 
cleared level, the two distances, eighty-five and one hundred yards. 
A pair of very fine natural dividers were used on this occasion; 
viz. a tall young chap's legs, who stepped with an elastic jerk, 
counting every step a yard; a profitable measure if one was buy- 
ing broadcloth ; but here the little surpluses on the yards were 
equally to the advantage of all. 3d. Cross lines at each distance, 
eighty-five and one hundred yards, were drawn on the measured 
line ; and on the first the marksman stood who fired off-hand, while 
on the second the rests were placed or constructed. Rests de- 
pended on taste and fancy ; some made their own — some used their 
own — some used their comrades' — and some rested the rifle against 
the side of a tree on the line : and of all the rests this is the best, 
if one is careful to place the barrel near its muzzle against the 
tree and not to press hard upon the barrel. Some drive in two 
forked stakes and place on them a horizontal piece; and some 
take a chair, and then seated on the ground, they have the front 
of the chair towards them and its legs between their feet, resting 
the whole gun thus upon the seat of the chair. Again, many set 
a small log or stone before them, and then lying down flat on their 
bellies, they place the muzzle on the rest and the butt of the gun 
on the ground near their face ; and then the rifle seems as move- 
less as if screwed in a vice. In this way Indians and woodsmen 
often lie in ambuscade for deer at the licks, or enemies in war. 

4th. Every man prepared a separate target. This was a poplar 
single, having near its middle a spot blackened with powder or 
charcoal as a ground ; and on this ground was nailed at its four 
corners a piece of white paper about an inch square and its centre 
formed by a diamond hole ; two corners being perpendicularly up 
and down. From the interior angles of the diamond were 
scratched with a knife point two diagonals, and at their inter- 
section was the true centre. With a radius of four inches from 
this centre was then circumscribed a circle: if beyond this circum- 
ference any one of the allotted shots struck, ay! but a hair's 
breadth, all other shots, even if in the very centre, were nugatory — 
the unlucky marksman lost. 

5. Each man had three shots. And provided the three were 



FIRST YEAR in 

within the circle, each was to be measured by a line from the 
centre of the diamond to the near edge of the bullet hole — except 
a ball grazed the centre, and then the line went to the centre of 
the hole — and then, the three separate lengths added were esti- 
mated as one string or line, the shortest securing the prize. This 
is called line shooting. 

6th. Each one fixed, or had fixed, his target against the tree 
as he pleased ; and then, each man was to fire his three shots in 
succession, without being hurried or retarded. We occupied on 
an average to-day every man about fifteen minutes. 

More than thirty persons were assembled, out of whom had 
been selected seven as the best marksmen ; but these, induced by 
the novelty, having good-naturedly admitted me, we were now 
eight. Of the eight, five preferred to shoot with a rest ; but the 
old Achates, the sapling^ woodman that had stepped off the dis- 
tances, and myself, were to fire off hand. All the rifles were 
spontaneously offered for the stranger's use. I chose, however. 
Tall Jake's; for although about a pound too heavy, it sighted 
like my own, and went as easy on the triggers, and carried one 
hundred and eighty to the pound — only five more than mine which 
carried one hundred and seventy-five. 

Auditors and spectators now formed the double lines, standing, 
stooping, and lying in very picturesque attitudes, some fifteen 
feet each side the range of the firing, and that away down towards 
the target tree even, behind which several chaps as usual, planted 
themselves to announce at each crack the result of the shot. All 
this seems perilous; and yet accidents rarely happen. In all my 
sojourn in the Purchase we had but two. The first happened to a 
fine young fellow, who impatient at some delay, peeped out it is 
supposed, to ascertain the cause, when at the instant the rifle 
was fired, and its ball glancing entered his head and he fell dead 
in his tracks. The next happened to an elderly man, who was 
stationed behind a large tree awaiting the report, and who at the 
flash of the gun, fell from behind with one piercing cry of agony, 
bleeding and dying: — the trunk was hollow and in and opposite 
the place where our neighbour stood in apparent safety, was a 
mere shell, through which the ball had gone and entered his heart ! 

1 Tall Jake. 



112 FIRST YEAR 

Well, the firing at length began. I have no distinct recollection 
of every shot. Now and then, a central ball was announced, 
and that followed by two others a full inch or may be an inch and 
an eighth even from the centre; and once, where two successive 
balls were within the diamond, the third, by some mischance of 
the rest depended on, struck on the very edge of the grand circle. 
Balls, too, were sometimes planted in three different corners of 
the paper — very good separate shots — yet proving want of steady 
and artistical sighting, or even a little experimenting with the 
edges of the hind sight; which was owing doubtless to drawing 
the bead to the edge and not the bottom. 

A smart young fellow having made two very fair shots, boasted 
so grandly about his new rifle, that a grave, middle-aged hunter 
offered to bet a pound of lead, that if the young chap would al- 
low him after the gun was rested for the shot, to rub his hand 
from the lock to the muzzle, he would so bewitch the rifle that 
she should miss the big tree. This was all agreed to ; and then, 
such as knew how to bewitch rifles rapidly retreated to our rear, 
and such as did not, were beckoned and called till they came. All 
ready, the young man on the ground, and his rifle on its rest, our 
conjuror ran his hand slowly along the barrel, pausing an instant 
at the muzzle, and uttering an incantation, and then going behind 
the marksman, he bade him fire when he liked. This he did ; and 
marvellous enough it was — the ball not only missed the shingle, 
but struck no where in the tree ! Great was the astonishment and 
mortification of the youth ; but as we magnanimously allowed him 
a shot extra and without witchcraft, his countenance brightened 
and especially when his ball now spoiled the inner edge of his 
diamond. 

Perhaps you are curious, and wish to learn how to bewitch a 
rifle? I will tell on one condition: — all the spectators when a 
rifle is bewitched must be made to come to the rear of the firing 
party. Here is the recipe : let the rifle-doctor conceal in his hand 
a bullet small enough for the purpose, and on rubbing as far as 
the muzzle, let him as adroitly as possible deposit said bullet just 
within the said muzzle — safely betting any number of pounds 
of lead, that whatever else the marksman may hit, he cannot hit his 
shingle. N.B. See that the rifle to be bewitched has no triggers 



FIRST YEAR 113 

set, and is not on cock, otherwise two tartars of a very unpleasant 
character may be caught by the rifle-doctor instead of one. 

One man only took to his belly (the technical term was to fire 
on his belly), but as his log-rest turned a little at the third shot, 
the unerring bullet, following the guidance of the barrel, stuck 
itself plump outside the circumference named, and thus nullify- 
ing one true central ball, and one in the lower interior point or 
angle of his diamond. Another man was still more unfortunate. 
After two most excellent shots, his gun hanging fire at the third, 
he bawled out, "No shot !" which being a notification before the 
shot could be examined and reported, entitled him to another trial ; 
but alas! the ball thus tabooed had grazed the centre! Again 
his gun hung fire; but now he did not veto; and his bullet 
was found sticking In the tree an honest foot above the top even 
of his shingle! 

And now we, who fired off-hand, and thereby professed to be 
"crack" shots — (yet most marksmen make a noise there) — we 
began to make ready. We higgled a little as to who should lead 
off; not to show politeness as well bred folks in entering rooms 
and carriages, but because all were, the least bit however, cowed, 
and each wished to see what his neighbour could do first. When 
that kind of spirit comes crawling over a body in rifle-shooting, 
it must be banished in an instant. The effect in oratory may be a 
very good speech — (unless you stump) — but in our art, it is 
always a very bad shot. Our noble art demands calmness and 
the most imperturbable self-possession ; and that, at the beginning, 
the middle, the ending of the exercises. And so I said : — 

"Well, gentlemen, if you want to see where to plant your balls, 
I'm the one, I think, to show you" — 

"Why no, stranger"— replied the old Achates— "I allow that 
aint fair nither, to let you lead off. We're all neighbour-like here, 
and 'tis only right you should see what we kin do fust. I sort a 
suppose maybe it will save you the trouble of shootin anyhow. So 
come. Long Jake, crack away and I'll foller — and arter, you, 
stranger, may shoot or not jist as you like best." 

"Agreed, grandaddie," responded Long Jake, "so here goes." 
And then Jake, after returning from the old beech, where he 
had put up his target, took his rifle, left a moment leaning against 



114 FIRST YEAR 

a tree, and with firmness and grace stepped on the line. Two 
things and only two gave me hopes, viz., he shut his left eye and 
held on the diamond without rising or falling perpendicularly to 
it : but then he held that rifle as if it were the true horizon — and 
then — click — snap — but no report. Lucky snap for me^ I knew 
it must have been a central ball ; but still better for me — Jake was 
embarrassed a little. Shaking out the damp powder he primed 
afresh, and again began his aim. Now, however, a very slight 
vibration seemed to glimmer on his barrel, and when he did fire, 
I was not disappointed nor greatly displeased at the cry from 
the fellows that leaped from behind the target tree — "rite hand 
corner, grazin the dimind !" Again Jake loaded, raised his piece, 
and fired at first sight, and the cry now came — "centre!" This 
increased my neighbour's confidence, and happily lessened his 
carefulness; for sighting, as he himself afterwards confessed, "a 
leetle bit coarseish like," the cry now was — "line shot, scant 
quarter 'bove centre !" 

"Come, grandaddie," said Jake to the old gentleman as he 
walked up to the line from adjusting his shingle, "you must do a 
little better nor that, or maybe we'll lose our stingo, for I know 
by the way this stranger here handles my rifle, he's naturally a 
hard chap to beat." 

This speech was occasioned by my handling the gun, taking aim, 
setting triggers, &c., in order to get better acquainted with the 
piece ; and which experiments resulted in a secret and hearty wish 
for my own gun. 

"Well, Jake, I allow yours kin be beat a bit," replied our veteran 
taking his position on the line. At a glance towards his "toot en 
sembell," Mr. Carlton too, allowed he had met his match — and, 
perhaps even with his own gun. How grand the calmness — as if 
in no battle! How alive muscle and feature — as if in the midst 
of enemies ! There he is dropping his bead — ay, his eyes both wide 
awake, and he raises the piece till that bead dims on the lower 
point of his diamond — a flash — and from the tree — "centre !" He 

2 I am sorry to say it, but nobody in rifle-shooting is an Emmonite, or 
even a Hopkinsian ; he wishes his neighbour to make good shots — but not 
too good. And where perfect first-rate marksmen contend, an accident 
only can give any of them the victory. 



FIRST YEAR 115 

was soon again ready, and at his second flash, came the cry — •" 
"upper edge, fust hole!" — and that cry was answered along the 
gradually narrowing and crowded lines, by the whole company 
— "hurraw for grandaddie — hurraw-aw !" His third shot, brought 
from the tree — "lee-e-tle tor'ds rite corner of dimind — jeest grazed 
centre !" — and was answered by — ''grandaddie forever, hur- 
raw-aw-aw !" 

"Carlton," maliciously whispered Glenville, "the stingo is safe 
— anti-temperance beats !" 

I felt honour demanded, however, a trial ; and so requesting 
Glenville to fix as I should direct my target, I stood on the line 
of firing, sighting several times with open pan and no priming; 
until the mark exactly suited, when I cried out "stand clear!" 
And now, supposing Jake's rifle sighted like my own, and threw its 
ball a little above its head (as indeed is best), I drew up as usual, 
with rapidity, and fly just as the bead caught the lower tip of 
my diamond, the report instantly returned being — "inside lower 
pint of dimind, scant quarter, b'low centre!" 

"Blame close, stranger," said the old hero, "but I allow you'll 
have to mend it to beat me." 

"Praise from you, my old friend, is ivorth something — I'll try 
my best to satisfy you." 

Jake's rifle was now understood : she sent balls exactly where 
she aimed, and not as mine, and most good rifles, an eighth of an 
inch above. Making, therefore, my front sight a hair thicker and 
fuller in the hind sight, and coming full on the lower angle of my 
diamond — "Centre!" — was echoed from the tree and along the 
lines — "hurraw-aw ! for the stranger !" 

"You're most powerful good at it," said the old gentleman, 
"but my line's a leetle the shortest yet." 

"Well, my good old friend, here goes to make yours a little the 
longest" — and away, along between the unflinching lines of excited 
spectators, whistled my third and last ball, bringing back the cry 
— "lee-e-tle b'low the centre — broke in first hole!" But, while all 
rushed to the examination and measurements, confined to our two 
shingles, no exultation burst forth, it being doubtful, or, as the 
hunters said, "a sort of dubus whether the stingo was grandaddie's, 
or the stranger's." In a few moments, however, and by the most 



ii6 FIRST YEAR 

honourable and exact measurements, it was decided that the old 
Achates had "the shortest string by near about half the brenth of 
his bullit!" And then such uproar rose of mingled hurraws, — 
screams, — shrieks, — yells, — and outcries ! an uproar none but true 
honest-hearted far westers, unadulterated by foreign or domestic 
scum, ever did or can make. 

The hurricane over, the victor mounting a log made the following 
speech : — 

"Well, naburs, it's my sentimental opinyin this stranger's acted 
up, clean up, to the notch, and is most powerful clever. And I 
think if he'd a fired his ozvn gun as how he mought a come out 
even, and made up the lettle matter of diff'runce atween us — and 
that would be near about shootin a little bit the closest of any other 
chap, young or old, in these 'are diggins — and so, says I, let's have 
three cheers for the stranger, and three more for his friend." 

Oh ! dear reader ! could you have heard the old, dark woods 
ring then ! — I struggled hard, you may be sure ; but what was the 
use, the tears would come ! 

We both made replies to the compliment ; and in concluding, 
for I mounted the log last, I touched on the wish we really had to 
do good, and that nothing was better for hardy, brave, and noble 
woodsmen than temperance. 

"Well, strangers, both on you," replied that very grand old 
man, "you shan't be disapinted. You depended on our honour — 
and so, says I, if these 'are naburs here aint no objection, let them 
that want to, first take a suck of stingo for a treat, and then, says 
I, lets all load up and crack away at the cask, and I'll have fust 
shot." 

"Agreed ! agreed ! hurraw for grandaddie Tomsin — hurraw for 
strangers! — hurraw for the temperance society! — load up, boys, 
load up! — nobody wants a suck — crack away, grandaddie — crack 
away, we're all ready !" And crack went old Brave's rifle — crack, 
long Jake's — crack the brave Gyas, and the brave Cloanthus — and 
crack every rifle in the company: and there rolled the wounded 
half-barrel, pouring its own death-dealing contents through its 
perforated heads and sides, till soon the stingo was all absorbed 
in the moist earth of the forest. 

Glenville and I now "gathered hossis and put out," highly 



FIRST YEAR 117 

pleased with the events : and a few weeks after we were still more 
pleased, at hearing that all the company at the prize shooting that 
day had become members of the temperance society. If, there- 
fore, any old fashioned temperance society (such as it was before 
fanaticism ruled it,) wishes champions to shoot, provided "gran- 
daddie Tomsin" will be one, I know where can be found another. 



CHAPTER XVIII. 

"Thou shalt not muzzle the ox when he treadeth out the com." — 
(Obsolete — since the use of patent threshing machines.) 

From the time of our arrival in and at Glenville (it being both 
a big and a little place), we commenced forming acquaintance 
with our neighbours. And this business was promoted by the 
many "little and big meetings" held by Mr. Hilsbury in all direc- 
tions, over and above the regular monthly ones in Glenville, and 
on three successive Sabbaths in old man Welden's settlement — for 
everybody, man, woman and child, was found at meeting. Nor does 
it interfere with attendance, if it be rainy or shiney, or mighty 
cloudy, or powerful skyey ; but in all weathers and seasons, and 
from all quarters of the woods, along roads, traces, paths, or short 
cuts, come horses to the preaching; some with single riders of any 
sex, bursting, at a gallop, into view, through underwood thickets 
of spicewood and papaw, or clearing log after log, in a kind of 
hop, skip and jump gait. Many horses indeed have two riders, a 
mode of horsemanship called in the Purchase "riding twice." And 
some horses come with folks riding even twice and a half, or may 
be thrice : for instance, with a man and his wife, the latter holding 
in her lap a two year old child, although the child is very often 
carried by the father ; or with three girls ; or with one beau, having 
two sun-bonnetted damsels behind. Dick always figured on such 
occasions with a cargo on his back that doubtless made a lively 
impression on his feelings of past times, and of the loads he had 
in his earlier days seem crammed into a Conestoga wagon: and 
never, in fact, did he look so like a family horse as on Sundays, 
when he usually carried so much of our family on his back. 



ii8 FIRST YEAR 

In fording swollen waters, if the water came up no higher than 
the saddle skirts, and if depending articles (legs and so on) could 
be crooked up or neatly packed on the mane, in plunged all, 
whether riding once, twice, or morefold: nay, it was contended 
that the more riders the better; the heavier weight preventing the 
horse from being floated or losing his foothold in a strong cur- 
rent. But if it was certain that the creek was ''swimming high," 
then the riders crossed on a log, the horse swimming by its side 
and the bridle being held by the rider. Afterwards the furniture 
(saddle and so on) was transported over the natural bridge. 

Arrived at meeting "the critters" (alias the horses, or "boss 
beasts") are hung to a swinging branch of some tree; for. such, 
yielding to the inquietude of the horses, prevents the snapping of 
reins, and yet affords ample space for the curvilinear play of the 
hind quarters. Nor are the horses at all backward in using their 
ecclesiastical privileges ; especially if we are favoured with "a, 
powerful smart preacher, that is, a fellow with a very glib tongue, 
who preaches by inspiration, and has the wonderful power of say- 
ing nothing, or something worse, over and over again, for hours. 
Then the hung animals, impatient maybe, begin and carry on extra 
dancings, rump-rangings, branch shakings, and other exercises. 
They champ bits ! — snap their teeth at neighbouring horses ! — 
kick, as quadrupeds should, in quadruple time! — and stamp, 
squeak, and squeal ! In fact, they make as much noise and behave 
as foolishly as if they held a fanatical meeting themselves ! 

Often too, among the horses, are a few knowing old codgers 
(and Dick, I am sorry to say, cultivated their acquaintance), who 
have slipped their own bridles, and are now misspending the time 
in eating off the bridle reins of quiet animals, or in kicking and 
biting, with most provoking sang-froid, fastened horses, already 
furious and indignant. Most horses when liberated usually start 
home at full speed, inconsiderately leaving folks that rode once or 
twice to meeting, to walk away in single or double file, or to get a 
lift from a neighbour. Dick, however, never ran home: he pre- 
ferred, like luke-warm Christians, Sunday visiting; and so went 
to see his neighbours in settlements directly opposite the way to 
Glenville. Yet I must say he never made the least objection to 
be caught and bridled again — provided you could find him. 



FIRST YEAR 119 

Let none understand me to say that religious meetings in the 
wooden world are not by very many attended from serious and 
devout motives : yet there, as elsewhere, many attend such meet- 
ings from secular motives, and some from very improper ones. 
Numbers go to see their neighbours or to hear the news, and not 
a few to electioneer. A very frequent cause is to ''advertise 
strays." 

Dignity is given to our pulpit gazetteering by confining the 
business to the clergy ; but m the Purchase, lay members, and even 
"a. worldling" give out notices : and that, not by reading the ad- 
vertisement in the reverential manner of the civilized churches, 
but extemporaneously and orally. Sometimes the affair assumes 
the form of the question implied, as thus : — 

"Neighbour Bushwhack, livin down the lower end of Sugar 
Holler, would like to hear if any body in this here settlement has 
heern or seed a stray critter of hissin, as his hoss-beast, a three 
year old black geldin, come next spring, with a switch tail, but a 
kind a eat off by his other colt, slipt his bridle on Hick'ry Ridge 
last big meetin, and he aint heern or seen nothin of him sense." 

To which indirect query one or more neighbours rising up will 
answer in this style ; — 

"Well, I allow the critter didn't come over here, as he'd been 
heern on or seed by some of us — ^but if any body hears or sees sich 
a stray, we'll put him up, and let neighbour Bushwhack know 
of it." 

Perhaps a notice thus given and answered in a city church 
would do as much to discountenance Sabbath advertising, as the 
rebukes of the religious press. Try it. 

A big meeting is often held in the woods in our delicious 
autumns. And nothing is more welcome to our young people 
hard at work till then, and needing a holiday, than such a gath- 
ering. Then is the grand sparking time, and young men go ex- 
pressly as they say, to find "a most powerful heap of gals !" 
Nor is this curious heap of sun-bonnets and calico frocks adverse 
to a little extra attention ; and hence, compound parties steal 
away at intervals to the springs, where they contrive accidentally 
to have a little meeting of their own, whose merry and loud notes 
return as strange echoes to the voice of psalmody and prayer. 



120 FIRST YEAR 

A small meeting extra, is often held at night in a friend's cabin. 
Then it sometimes happens, by reason of a storm or very long 
sermon, or both, that the folks conclude to stay all night ; and 
then if the author's memory is faithful, we used to see what was 
called "a leetle fun." Nothing immoral or gross ever takes place ; 
but certainly we had something more lively than praying and 
singing. 

It was, therefore, with some surprise we used to read reports 
from new missionaries, in which "the large numbers that came 
in all weathers and from great distances to attend protracted 
meetings, and who seemed unable to tear themselves away from 
the exercises, &c, &c." was considered as conclusive evidence that 
we New Purchase people had uncommon anxieties to hear the 
truth. Now, the result of all our experience, and we had a 
pretty rich one, is and was — that unregenerate hearts are pretty 
much out there as in here — that men born of log cabins and stick 
chimneys, and men born of silks and broadcloths, are all equally 
"born of the flesh" and "are flesh." Maybe the German popula- 
tion about central Pennsylvania are exceptions, as a certain 
learned young Doctor of Divinity seems to think ; but then, they 
are the sole exceptions. 

The occasion offers to say a few words about the missionaries 
themselves. But while we profess to be very good-natured and 
social, we are not, reader, so charitable as to extend our term 
beyond pretty well educated, talented and evangelical mission- 
aries. We made Glenville head-quarters for missionaries and 
we ever found uneducated preachers and even small talented 
gentlemen, an inconvenience and an evil more than a blessing; 
and as to the unevangelical sort, learned or unlearned, they were a 
nuisance and a pest. 

As a body, then, the true missionaries in the New Purchase 
were very excellent men; eminent in self-denial, in ardent zeal, 
in endless labours, in disinterestedness. They were considered 
Domestic Missionaries ; but they endured as much as their breth- 
ren in the foreign field, and that without the incidental excite- 
ment and support derived from the eclat of a mission : especially 
when the wood's preacher comes to depend for his entire susten- 
ance on two or more weak settlements, the aid of the missionary 



FIRST YEAR 121 

society being declined or withdrawn. For a year or two an 
approximate salary may be paid, a few shillings in cash and 
the balance in "trade." Still, educated men need a few other 
articles beyond pork, com, tow-linen, leather, &c. — a few books 
for instance. And they are forced to go a few journeys; wish to 
educate their children ; pay doctor's fees, and the like. Nor is 
it, maybe, an unpardonable sin to aspire after furniture one de- 
gree above rough cabin apparatus. Hence the missionary must 
have a little hard cash ; and hard enough for them, poor fellows, 
it is by the time they handle it. 

The outposts, therefore, must be either wholly abandoned to 
profoundly ignorant, vain, empty, conceited, self-confident, and 
snarling fanatical preachers ; or proper preachers must do some 
things that are secular. And if the New Purchasers are abandon- 
ed, then must they be cursed out there with inspired clergy, 
such as we have heard thus reciting their apostolic creed : — 

"Yes, bless the Lord, I am a poor, humble man — and I doesn't 
know a single letter in the A B C's, and couldn't read a chapter 
in the Bible no how you could fix it, bless the Lord ! — I jist preach 
like old Peter and Poll, by the Sperit. Yes, we don't ax pay in 
cash nor trade nither for the Gospel, and arn't no hirelins like 
them high-flow'd college-larned sheepskins — ^^but as the Lord 
freely give us, we freely give our fellow critturs." 

Hence a few of the true preachers betake themselves to teach- 
ing as the least uncanonical avocation. And all would gladly 
do this, if scholars were plenty enough; and, if after all the 
extra labour in teaching, pay came not also in the shape of fat- 
flitch, cord-wood, eggs, and butter. Most true preachers and 
pastors are, therefore, compelled to enter some land; and then 
after long and arduous toils they contrive to barter some pro- 
duce at the settlement store for sugar, tea, coffee and paper. But 
to jingle a few silver dollars, the person must sell a cow, or calf, 
or even a horse! 

The proverb, "half a loaf better than no bread," applies here ; 
for if proper ministers out West do not, in very many places, in 
a great measure maintain themselves, settlements now half served 
by those noble men would not and could not be served at all. 
True, the folks out there might have husks from fanatical fel- 



122 FIRST YEAR 

lows; but Christ's sheep ought to have pastors and proper food 
— they are not hogs to be fed by the Devil's swine-herds. 

Very nice and classic essays used to find their way sometimes to 
Glenville, which were full of very proper rhetorical words against 
secular clergy, and commanding them to reform and give them- 
selves wholly to the work of God and the ministry: essays no 
doubt well intended, but written, we apprehend, by inexperienced 
young gentlemen, just married, and seated in the parsonage in the 
midst of a well furnished library. Sometimes, too, such essays 
were penned by learned gentlemen, with sons and daughters at 
good boarding schools ; and the writers, maybe, received so 
much hard silver per page, especially if a prize essay; and our 
far east censors not only had the pleasure of pelting our poor 
frogs, but found it profitable too. In such essays the Proton 
Pseudos was, ''all pastors and preachers must give up secular 
employments — their schools — their farms — their merchandise — 
their trades — and imitate the Apostles, &c." In extraordinary 
times men are sustained by the providence of God in extraordin- 
ary ways, and purse, scrip, and books in the Apostles' time were 
not needed ; and few then had the care and expense of a family, 
except Pope Peter! — and he, unlike some Unholinesses, was 
wicked enough to prefer a Wife to a Harlot! 

And even in those days Paul, whilst aiding to erect a spiritual 
tabernacle, supported himself at secular tent-making! It is not 
improbable that Luke, the beloved and benevolent physician, pre- 
scribed and took fees in emergencies. May, then, modern 
ministers in no cases do secular things, without being subjected 
to unkind suspicions, and not rarely denounced as merchants, 
farmers, speculators, and even jockies? Nay, many thus stig- 
matized are among the best of men; and that, however warned 
by hasty young clerks and clergy to look out for the doom of 
unfaithful stewards to bid to expect, after a life of toil for the 
gospel and after bestowing the spiritual without reaping the 
carnal, bid to look out for banishment into the outer darkness ! ! 
Ah ! ye hasty censors ! God will never forget labours of love in 
that far West or elsewhere ; even if a preacher, to put bread into 
the mouths, and garments on the bodies of his family, do work 
secularly with his own hands! 



FIRST YEAR 123 

It is even granted by hasty writers, too, that the penuriousness 
and dishonesty of congregations may drive the minister to secular 
labour; and that surely is ample and sufficient apology, one would 
think, for the minister's irreverent conduct. Why then this per- 
petual cannonade against the Clergy? Does it never occur, that 
the niggardly Mr. Miser, the close-fisted Mr. Grip, the narrow- 
minded Miss Snarl, and the dishonest Mr. and Mrs. Finepromise, 
may, at the grand assize, have to appear as defendants and show 
cause why the preacher was driven to be secular? Strange? 
passing strange, if a hunted, defrauded, broken-spirited man, who, 
because he wishes yet to preach, maintains himself, should, in 
addition to all his sufferings, be decried and rebuked as faithless 
and money-loving! — as needing reform! — as passing to a severe 
doom and vengeance in the life to come ! Oh ! you that in one 
sense, at least, are "at ease in Zion," and have, therefore, so 
much time to buffet, go, visit a New Purchase ! — and then write — 

"Mr. Carlton !!— keep cool." 

Well, then, I will go on to say that meetings in the Purchase 
were not always dry affairs. Once, this very autumn, a two 
days' meeting was to come off on Saturday and Sunday in the 
Welden settlement. At the close of the first day, while Glen- 
ville and Carlton were "settin the toone for them," a heavy 
shower began suddenly to fall ; and as we clerks could not get 
out to secure our saddles they became well soaked. Many, indeed, 
hurried out to secure their own accoutrements and those of the 
"wimmin folks's," but they forgot the clerks and the rector's: 
hence after service we found seats cool and refreshing as a wet 
sponge. We had been invited to spend the night at a chieftain's ^ 
in the settlement: and as we were without umbrellas or cloaks, 
and the rain kept mizzling away, we had a very agreeable ride of 
it, receiving too, from overhanging branches and thick bushes 
frequent "baby-sprinklings" until the whole amounted to "be- 
liever's baptism" — a thorough immersion. 

However, we were neither salt nor sugar. On we splattered 
and splashed, laughing and talking, while our saddle-seats added 
to the noise very hearty and peculiar notes or sounds, which may 
be called — soggings; and we comforted one another with mutual 

1 White, of course. 



124 FIRST YEAR 

promises of a dry house and a drying fire. But — ah! me! — our 
dear good landlady, and expressly to honour her guests, had de- 
termined to have "things fixed !" — and a wet fix it was. First and 
foremost, the puncheon-floor had undergone a deluge of scrub- 
bing, effected by pouring over it forty great calabashes of water, 
or one great calabash forty times emptied! Then the floor had 
been violently assaulted with stiff brooms, till its dirt was raked 
and floated away to form an alluvion in the cellar below ; but 
much of the flood having eluded the swabbing process that fol- 
lowed, there remained many Lilliputian lakes of muddy water in 
the cavities and gulleys of the puncheons. Secondarily, chairs, 
tables, benches, and even bedsteads had undergone Pharisaical 
ablutions: and although things did dry in process of time, yet, 
as the good woman remarked, "Things were a leetle dampish, 
to be sure!" Indeed, chairs and benches on which persons of 
a sanguine temperament sat, exhibited, on their rising, a decided 
Mosaic of dark and light shades. Thirdly, when we washed 
before supper and dinner in one, we were offered a wet towel 
to dry on ! the lady apologizing for the anomaly by saying, "Thar'd 
been sich a rite down smart chance of rain that their wash 
wouldn't dry." Of course this apology accounted for the undried 
table-cloth at the meal ; where, by the way, we recognized, in the 
midst of other good things, and full of milk, the republican bowl 
that a few moments before had enacted the part of wash-basin. 
In anticipation of its complex and yet desultory character, we of 
Glenville, instead of dipping at the time our hands into the bowl 
had poured from it the water over the hands. All the guests, 
we must say, were not so considerate. 

But a most sumptuous fire was roaring away for our comfort ; 
and, be satisfied, in no sense was it cold comfort. And soon 
all, and at a very respectable distance, were steaming away, and, 
in the midst of haze and vapour, snufi^ing the savoury odours of 
ham fried in lard — of venison and wild-turkey in ditto — and of 
chickens in cream and butter! Generally, meats of every sort 
in the Purchase were fried, and that so perfectly as to be not 
only done, but actually done up; till the pieces curled at the 
edges, and the taste of one kind of flesh could not be distinguished 
from another, like — like — oh like the carcasses of one horse and 



FIRST YEAR 125 

two cows burnt to death in the conflagration of Mr. Forgethis- 
name's ^ livery stables in the Northern Liberties. And yet a 
cookery of squirrels or chickens, a la Kaintuc, in cream, butter, 
and dusted flour, excels any fry in the world. 

By bed-time affairs had become dryish. Still, much vapour 
hung in our atmosphere ; and towards the arctic regions of the 
cabin, matters were puddly. However, ten of the company were 
accommodated in the beds, and as many others, — indeed, I do 
not know where : yet we all retired ; when a spirited and general 
confabulation was maintained till most of the trebles, tenors, and 
basses grew, some flat and others muttering, and there was a 
subsidence into a colloquy between two. At last, one of these 
returning a mumbling kind of response, Mr. Holdon, despairing 
to extract any more talk, cried out, "Well ! good night :" which 
signal was followed by a farewell crackling of bedsteads, and an 
audible rustling of "kivers ;" and then all lately so active and 
chatty, was turned into sleeping and snoring. Bah! — tell me 
not about the sleep of innocence ! nothing comes up to the sleep 
of a backwoodsman; and as to his snoring, beat it if you can! 

Well, I dreamed a dream. Methought old Dick was harnessed 
to our bedstead, and was pulling us through showery bushes and 
nettles, and that I had the tooth-ache, and so uncomfortable all 
seemed that I determined, as is the case in some dreams, to wake 
myself. Happy resolution ! for whilst Dick had vanished, and 
we were safe enough in the cabin, yet the interpretation of the 
dream was present : — a gentle stream was trickling from above 
through a hole in the clapboard roof, the eau d'esprit having al- 
ready saturated my rag-pillow, and more than a foot of the 
adjoining covers! — and, what was very remarkable! — I had the 
toothache ! ! 

"Indeed!" 

"Yes! indeed. I whipped out of bed; quietly worked the bed- 
stead from under the unelectric water spout ; doubled my end 
of the bolster in place of the pillow removed ; got once more into 
bed, and began to lull the grumbling tooth by holding my mouth 
shut and breathing through the nose, and occasionally counting 
slowly and deliberately as high as a hundred. And in this 

^ Said accident happened once upon a time, when we was a boy. 



126 FIRST YEAR 

laudable work I had at last succeeded, and was sinking away into 
dryer dreams, when I was suddenly aroused to my last and severest 
"trial by water" by a rude shake from Glenville, who also thus 
addressed me : — 

"Carlton ! — are you going to sleep all day ? — get up if you don't 
want your boots full of water — " 

"My boots ! — my boots ! ! — man alive ! don't let them get any 
wetter — I shall never get them on — never!" 

"Up then — or Tom Hilton will clean yours as he has mine — 
he'll dip them in the rain-trough." 

Fortunately all were up and out but myself — and yet it would 
have been the same if Queen Victoria had been there — my boots 
were not to be trifled with, even when dry ; — what ! if provoked 
by such a ducking! I thought, therefore, of neither man, woman, 
nor child — I thought only of my boots — ^and I leaped out of bed 
without regard to the ordinary precautions — and slipping on the 
limbs of the indispensables — (anglice, jerking on my breeches) — 
and holding up and buttoning as I moved, I rushed to the door! 
and in the very nick of time to witness the catastrophe. Yes ! 
there on the muddy earth stood, sad and sullen, boot the first, 
clean and soaked as a scrubbed puncheon ! and there descended 
into the rain-trough boot the second, up to the strap-stiches ! ! 

"Tom ! Tom ! — why didn't you let my boots alone ! — you've 
fixed me now — I shan't get them on to-day!" 

"Well, sir, I was only a sort of cleanin them — they was most 
powerful muddy like — hope no harm done, Mr. Carltin?" 

"Well, Tom, thank you — but I am afraid we have tight work 
now — please let's have the articles, any how." 

And our fear, reader, was not unfounded. Never, since the 
origin of boots, and the abolition of sandals, was there such a 
tugging at straps! It did seem as if, at last, the grand philos- 
ophical achievement would be eflfected, and with a leetle harder 
pull we should, boots and all, be raised clean up from the punch- 
eons ! — nearly equal to lifting one's self over a fence ! And oh ! 
what soaping of heels ! — what numerous and contradictory sug- 
gestions and advices from commiserating and laughing friends! 
tears in all eyes! Oh; the rubbing of insteps! — the contortions 
of the OS sublime! And then, withal, when a boot had reached 



FIRST YEAR 127 

a certain point, the creature could be neither pulled on nor pulled 
off! But there limped Mr. Carlton, his two limbs glued, some- 
where about the junction of ancle and foot, in two remorseless 
leathers; a very "odd fellow," indeed, hobbling with four feet, 
two of his own treading downward, and two of the boots treading 
sideways — and all with vain hopes of stretching, and thus coax- 
ing further on or off the half-tanned conveniences ! 

At last it seemed necessary to cut the articles, as all ordinary 
and extraordinary attempts to move them up or down had failed, 
when, at the crisis, in came a Goliah-like woods-man, who, un- 
derstanding the fix, declared ; "if them 'are straps thare would 
a sort a hold, he allow'd he'd pull on Mr. Carltin's boots." We 
agreed to a new trial. Accordingly, Mr. Goliah placed himself 
behind the patient, with his own back to the wall, and then work- 
ing two fingers apiece into each strap — (all he could get in) — he 
did pull the boots on, sure enough ! ! Ay ! and that he would have 
done if both of Mr. Carlton's legs had been in the same boot, in- 
stead of one leg per boot ! 

King William was of opinion that thumkins was logic enough 
to make him confess to a lie — what, if he had tried the logic of 
my boots ! If the iron boot is any more forcible — I cannot stand 
it at all — I should scream out my belief in the Pope or the Devil, 
or any other dogma of the particular catholic church! The holy 
church will of course canonize a man who has already discovered 
two efficacious ways to make Christians — our bark-wheel — and 
now our boots ! 

Apropos ! de botte, this reminds me of the Kentuckian saved 
from the massacre, at the Blue Licks, by a pair of wet buckskin 
breeches. He was pursued by two Indians, and on reaching the 
river, was forced to plunge in and swim over. Emerging, he 
soon discovered that to run with his former speed, his buckskins 
must be left for booty : hence, he halted an instant to unskin 
himself, whilst his nimble foes had now reached the opposite bank 
of the stream. But now the wet unmentionables, half-way off, 
became obstinately adhesive, and could be drawn neither up nor 
down — and the enemy coming nearer and nearer. 

"Poor fellow ! — what a dreadful situation !*' 

Very ; and so he made up his mind, like a gallant man, to die — 



128 FIRST YEAR 

in his breeches. And yet, being a Presbyterian, his predestined 
time had not come: for, to his amazement, his red friends, on 
arriving, burst into loud laughter, and, instead of knocking him 
on the head, they only spanked him on the antipodes and took 
him prisoner; and the Kentuckian, being ransomed, got home to 
tell his adventure — and was one of the very ievf brave gentlemen 
that survived the battle of the Blue Licks. 

"Yes — but, Mr, Carlton, what has this deliverance to do with 
the Pope or the Devil?" 

"Oh ! nothing — it was owing to the Indians : — other torturers 
do not let off folks so easily. But talking of one thing, you know, 
makes us think of another." 

However, after the second edition of wet towels, wet table- 
cloths, and other dampers, we all went to church — or, by courtesy, 
the dissenters' conventicle — where seats and floor were also 
dampish : yet none of these little affairs killed us then, and even 
now, most of the Glenvillians live and talk, occasionally, of Carl- 
ton's Wet Time." 

During the present summer and fall, others of our colony had 
little adventures. For instance, John Glenville, in moving a 
piece of bark to throw under the wheel, was bitten in the wrist 
by a copper head coiled under the bark ; but, by a timely applica- 
tion of proper remedies, he escaped very serious injury. Uncle 
Leatherstocking also came something nearer being killed than Sir 
Roger's ancestor, that had a narrow escape from being slain in 
a battle by arriving on the field the very day after the fight : for 
our uncle, stooping to examine a fine cabbage in his patch, dis- 
covered a rattlesnake ready to salute him, and yet time enough 
to leap hack and avoid the favour. And then a young woman 
coming from Welden, by herself, to return a call due to Glen- 
ville Settlement, just as she had reached the outskirts of our ter- 
ritory, was gratified by the sight, a little way from her, of a lady 
panther, affectionately sporting with two rampant pantherines — 
each as big as a pair of domestic tom-cats. 
"La! — and did she not scream?" 

Scream! — Miss Peggy Whatmore scream! Fortunate for the 
quadrupeds, Peggy was within reach of no rifle ! No, no ! to use 
her own language, she only "a sort a skued round towards ole- 




President Andrew Wvlie 
First President of Indiana College 1828 



FIRST YEAR 129 

man Ashmoresis — and didn't say niithin to them, as they didn't 
seem Hke wantin to say nuthin to her — yet it was a leetle skary 
as they was powerful nasty lookin varmints." 

A missionary, also, coming to fulfill an appointment among us 
saw in the edge of our clearing "three barr" — i.e., three bears; 
there being, in western phrase, "a powerful sprinkle" of such 
shaggy coats in our borough. At this information, all our 
domestic and neighbourhood forces being mustered, we succeeded 
in overtaking and killing the growling trio; and in due time, the 
largest skin, properly prepared at our tannery, was presented to 
the missionary who ever after, till the day of his death, used it 
as a bruin-saddle cover. 

Perhaps we may here say, that at night, on many occasions, 
were around invisible serenaders, that gave exact imitations of 
wolves howling, foxes barking, and owls screaming, hooting and 
screeching, with interruptions now and then from sudden cries 
and growls so strange that we could not say what bird or beast 
precisely was designed or represented. The whole, however, 
riveted the conviction that we were no longer dreaming about the 
woods, but were actually living there; and, to be candid, I had 
never in visions seen single serpent, and could not have guessed 
the wild beasts would turn out so very wild. But to all things 
I got used, except snakes. To the very last of my sojourn in the 
Purchase, I was slow to crawl through dark thickets; and never 
did step over or ofif a log, till satisfied no serpent was there to 
be tramped upon : and, that it was necessary so to ponder our 
ways, may be believed by the incident with which we now end the 
chapter. 

One night Mr. and Mrs. C. were on a visit at Mr. Hilsbury's; 
and, though pressed to remain till morning, and warned of the 
danger in walking in the dark at that season of the year, we de- 
cided on returning to Uncle John's. The path between the cabins 
was only a few inches wide, and running through high grass and 
tall weeds, was pretty invisible in the day : yet having travelled it 
some half dozen times daily, I was familiar with every stone, 
stick and root, lying in or across the path; and any thing new 
there would be sure to arrest my attention. Furnished with a light 
in a small glass lantern, we proceeded homeward, myself in front 



130 FIRST YEAR 

and my wife following, till at the end of about two hundred 
yards, an unexpected root presented itself, running seemingly 
from the nearest beach : but as the root ought not to be there, be- 
fore taking the next step I stooped to examine, holding the light 
down towards the root — which turned not into, but was in reality 
nothing more nor less than the head and neck of an enormous 
rattlesnake ! 

Perhaps a novice, as I then was in backwood life, may be 
pardoned for feeling a momentary sickness when the glare of 
the serpent's eye fell on mine, as the rays of the lamp disclosed 
and struck on his! The distance between us was only eighteen 
inches; another step, therefore, would have carried me over or 
upon the reptile: in the former case / should have been safe, in 
the latter, one, or both Mrs. C. and myself would have been 
wounded, perhaps killed! And no sooner had I said — It is a 
sitake! than Mrs. C. too alarmed to reflect, instantly from behind 
clasped me, holding down both my arms ; and thus allowing me 
neither to advance, nor retreat, nor stir, she at the same time 
began a series of most piercing shrieks, to which as nothing better 
could be done, Mr. C. added loud cries of "Hullow-ow ! down 
there ! — hullow-ow ! !" 

Of course, this uproar brought them all up from down there, 
and a clerical visitor among the rest — Bishop Shrub of Timber- 
opolis. In the meantime the snake had retreated or passed on ; 
and as there was too great risk in poking after him amid the 
weeds and grass at night, and the central cabin was the farthest 
away, our whole party returned, and all spent the night at the 
parsonage. 



CHAPTER XIX. 

"Ab ovo 

Usque ad mala " 

"From the cackle to the cluckle." 

I was sitting one day, towards the end of September, with 
Bishop Hilsbury, when, through his modest little sash were seen 
two young men riding up ; who tying their horses, after a short 



FIRST YEAR 131 

consultation, advanced, to the door. On this the Bishop whisper- 
ing — "a wedding without doubt," hastened to receive his visitors, 
who yet administered the usual rap to the door, and entered with 
the universal salaam — "Well! who keeps house?" 

Evidently the parson had been supposed alone ; and my pres- 
ence seemed to disperse the courage mustered by the youngsters, 
and they stumbled into seats in manifest distress. But we soon 
engaged them in conversation on land, timber, corn, swine, muddy 
roads, dry ridges, high waters, and all sylvan topics : and on all 
and each, our friends rung the changes of all the powerfuls, big 
and little ; and all the chances and sprinkles, the smarts and right 
smarts and right down smarts, till they were talked, not out of 
countenance, but into it ; nay, till they had more than a dozen 
times (while the clatter lasted) seemingly collected brass suffi- 
cient for their special affair to be introduced at the next pause. 
Yet alas ! with the calm, returned the sheepishness ; and there sat 
our rustics red as boiled lobsters, not at any thing said, but at 
what was to be said, and grinning a smileless kind of contortion 
at each other, equal to asking — "Won't you begin?" Then they 
gnawed their spice wood riding whips — wriggled on their seats 
— crossing leg after leg, as if the legs were all equally opposed to 
being undermost, till convinced nothing by way of expose was 
coming this gap, off set afresh on the circle of old topics thus: — 

"Immense forests here, sir!" 

"Yes — most powerful 'mense heap of woods. Allow woods is 
most considerable cut off in them 'are settlements you come from, 
Mr. Carltin? They say you've no barr no turkey out thare, in 
Filledelfy?" 

"No: no bears on four legs. But still we've a smart sprinkle 
of dandy out our way" — 

"Huh! haw! — them's the fellers with hair on their faces and 
what goes gallin all the time — powerful heap a fun in that, Mr. 
Hilsbury, though." 

Here the speaker stopt short ; for what he had said about our 
hairy creatures was out of no disrespect for the animals, but only 
to lighten his own load ; but then he had found it still too heavy, 
and broke down at the lift. Retreat, however, did not offer, and 
so suddenly rising and winking to the parson, they both went 



132 FIRST YEAR 

together into the yard, leaving myself and the other young man 
in the cabin. When outside, the groom — for he it was, thus 
commenced : 

"Well— hem— Mr. Hilsbury— hem !" 

"Yes — Joseph — I think I understand — don't I?" 

"Well — allow, maybe you do." 

"I was down in the Welden settlement, and I heard something 
about our losing neighbour Ashford's Susan." 

"He! he! — yes! — well I am a sort a goin to git married — and 
Susan's the very gal. Well now, Mr. Hilsbury, Billy Welden's 
come along for a groomsman and he's got the invite — I'll just 
call him out and git it." 

Billy accordingly was now summoned, and taking off his new 
fur hat, he extracted the "invite" from the lining and handed it 
over to the preacher. As the Bishop allowed me to see the docu- 
ment as a specimen of New Purchase literature, I took the fol- 
lowing exact and literal copy : 

"Rev. Mr. Hilsbury asqr., — you are pertikurly invited to atend 
the house of mr. Abrim Ashford asq. to injine upon i the yoke of 
konjegal mattrimunny with his dater miss Susan Ashford as 
was — thersday mornin next lo aklok before dinner a. m. 

mr. Joseph Redden 
your humbell sarv't, 

mr. William Welden, groomsman." 

"p. s. dont say nuthin about this 'ere weddin that's to be — as its 
to be sekrit — and to morrer Billy Welden's goin to ride round 
and give the invites — and all your settlemint's to be axed." 

The reader will err if he think this the zvorst specimen of our 
New Purchase authorship. It was, in fact, the best our literati, 
near Glenville at least, could furnish, (and like Andrews and 
Stoddard's Grammar,) it was a joint reproduction; it was done 
by Joseph Redden and William Welden, both aided by the school- 
master of the Welden settlement. And it was got up with great 
care and done in the very best round hand. Few persons around 
us at this time, could even read, much less write ; and the ladies 
of Glenville were regarded with wonder as soon as it was known 
that they could not only read and write, but even "sifer, and cast 



FIRST YEAR 133 

'counts !'' We men of Glenville had from the first been deemed 
"powerful smart," and the above note had been got up and per- 
formed expressly to show us that other folks had learning too, 
c.nd could do a thing up to Gunter. 

Next day Mr. Welden appeared in the edge of the woods, be- 
ing too much in a hurry to dismount and let down the bars, and 
according to etiquette in such cases, he exclaimed, "Hullow! the 
house!" Upon this, Mr. Seymour proceeded to the fence, and 
on his return to the house announced that we all had the 
anticipated invite. 

And now as it is sometimes before we go to the wedding, we 
may properly in the interval introduce the bride elect and her 
family. Abraham Ashford, the father, was the patriarch of the 
Ashford settlement, which joined Glenville on the north-west. Af- 
ter a life of some years in a cabin of the roughest order, the 
family had, within the past year, removed into a good two story 
log-house of the hewed order ; and hence, he himself being a very 
tall man and having sons tending rapidly upward to his summit 
level, and having a two story house, neighbour Ashford is to be 
regarded as an eminent man. He had, too, scraped a spelling 
acquaintance with easy reading, and that made him affect the 
company of the Glenvillians — not so much I fear to increase his 
knowledge as to display it. For instance, once on bringing 
his stock of ginseng to our tannery, where we bought the article 
on speculation, Mr. Ashford on laying it on a dry hide thus began : 

"Well, Johnny, my buck, what do you allow sang's (ginseng) 
done with out thare in Chi-ne?" 

"Oh ! probably the Chinese smoke it, or chew it !" 

"Well, that's your idee; but I knows better nor that comes to, 
according to my idee." 

"What is your opinion?" 

"Well, I'll tell you. A sailor-man was once out here in sang 
time a buying up — long afore you come out — and he'd been in all 
them parts about Chi-ne in a ship or the like — and he told me all 
about what them fellers done with it." 

"Indeed!" 

"Yes — and he told me as how they biled the sang up, and put 
it in to clarify chany tea cups and sassers." 



134 FIRST YEAR 

Neighbour Ashford was, moreover, a philosopher ; but as his 
views may perhaps expose him to a visit from the Inquisition, I 
shall give no greater insight into his physical creeds, than by a 
narration of our talk on the shape of the earth. 

"Mr. Ashford," said Glenville, one day I was present, "I wish 
you would let Carlton here understand your idea about the shape 
of the earth; he's just from college and don't think as you do." 

"Well, Johnny, my buck, I'm willing to talk with Mr. Carlton, 
or any larn'd man; and I've no idee this here world of ourn is 
round. Them's my sentiments, Mr. Carlton." 

'T do not quite agree with you there, Mr. Ashford ; I have 
been taught that our earth is an oblate spheroid !" 

"Oh ! I don't know nuther consarnin high-flow'd diksionary 
shapes ; all my idee is the world's not ublate, nor no sort of round, 
and I kin prove it straight as a rifle." 

'T only meant to say I was taught to think the world was a 
sort of roundish; but I'm ready to give up if you can prove as 
you say." 

"Well, I'm powerful glad to see, Mr. Carlton, you aint proud 
for all your high larnin — and so I'll jist tell you how I kim to find 
it out.^ You see, sir, I was one day a ploughing with them two 
brown mares, to put in corn, and as we ploughed along, I gets into 
a solelo'que on this diffikilt pint, and so sez I to myself, sez I, 
what's the use in filloserfers a sayin our world's round. Don't my 
ole-womin's dry apples git off the plank and then role rite down, 
smack down the pitch of the ruf ? 'Cos why? Why 'cos it aint 
flat. And so I argefied the pint agin this way ; sez I, kin a feller 
go spang up the round of a big punkun? And then I stops the 
mares; and sez, wouldn't this here plough and them 'are hoss- 
beasts role down like the dry apples if this here world was round 
like a big punkun — and aint it more powerful harder to go up and 
stick on a big round thing nor a little one? And then I jist 
minded — and I slapped agin my head so, (action to word,) and I 
hollows out aloud, so that the mares started to go — ^but I cries 
"woh! won't you?" — and they stops agin — and I kept on a hol- 
lowin — "I've got it ! — I've got it " — and slaps rite off to make 
tracks home — and when I gets in, sez I to the ole womun, "Molly," 

^ Speech only translated and contracted and improved. 



FIRST YEAR 135 

sez I, "hand us the ole book — I've got it!" "Got what, Abrum?" 
— sez she. "Why hand us the ole book, I tell you," sez I. (Dur- 
ing the progress of his lecture," Mr. Ashford had taken up our 
family bible ; and now with his finger resting on the third verse of 
Genesis, he did, on a sudden for me, what he had previously done 
for his wife.) And so she hands me the ole book, and I lays it 
out afore her jist so, (opening and spreading the book before 
me,) "thare sir, thare, read that thare varse — its proved from the 
Bible, sir — thare read that are !" viz : — "And the earth was with- 
out FORM ! sir." 

Here we held down our head as close to the page as possible, 
as if absorbed in thought and inspecting the words most closely, 
till with an unsteady voice we could reply : — 

"I confess, Mr. Ashford, I never did see the passage in that 
light before; and it only proves that plain men, if left to them- 
selves, will often discover what learned folks never can ; but what 
shape is the earth do you say ?" 

"Do / say ! — why doesn't the ole book itself say the earth aint 
no shape at all? — its got no form — its nuthin but a grate stretched 
along place like a powerful big prararee without any ind — yes, sir, 
and as flat as a pancake." 

"True, Mr. Ashford, and the Bible says also the earth is 
VOID ! — empty, sir, and hollow as a nut shell !" 

For a moment Mr. Ashford was staggered at so unexpected 
an addition to his theory ; he seemed alarmed at the utter empti- 
ness of a shapeless earth ! Yet at the very next log-rolling, he 
proclaimed both Glenville and Carlton to be converts to his "idee," 
adding in the latter gentleman's praise, "he wan't nere so stuck 
up a feller as folks said." And so, reader, we are Amorphorites ; 
with more belief, however, in the emptiness of the world, than in 
its want of shapes. 

As to the sun, Mr. Ashford had a very peculiar and original 
theory; "I am," said he, "sentimentally of opinion that the sun, 
after all, is nothing but a great shine !" Like many other forest 
patriarchs, our neighbour often did his own preaching; being in 
advance of this age, when we all do our own doctoring, write our 
own poetry, tales, essays, and every man is his own lawyer ; and 

-Could not some Lyceum send for Mr. Ashford? 



136 FIRST YEAR 

of course in theology, like people in an enlightened era, he had 
his own notions. Hence, in one discourse about the good Samari- 
tan, he took occasion to illuminate us as to its "Speretil meaning;" 
and among other things said, "some folks think that the two 
pennies left the Jerickoo man, was nuthin but cash pennies — but 
my friends, there's a speretil and bettersome idee : — one penny 
is the law, and tother's the gospel." 

The Ashfords were, however, remarkable for nice housekeep- 
ing, and for cleanliness of person. They all were, too, thrifty and 
ingenious. Unable in the early times of their settlement to obtain 
hemp or flax, they gathered a peculiar species of nettle, (called 
there nettleweed,) which they succeeded in dressing like flax, and 
in weaving it into cloth. By some accident, they had been then 
destitute of food for several days, and during that time they had 
lived on squirrels and elm-bark. But the rose of our wilderness 
was Susan Ashford, the intended bride. Ignorant, indeed, she 
was of all things out of the woods ; but she was of good natural 
capacity, merry disposition, lofty notions, and withal a very pretty 
and modest maiden. From the first, she took a strong liking for 
the Glenville people; and was evidently glad to find friends able 
and willing to teach her many important matters of which she 
frankly and voluntarily would confess her ignorance. And as far 
as her mother would permit, Susan by degrees conformed their 
own domestic economy and fixtures to ours, defending us when- 
ever her mother would object and intimate that the "Glenville 
folks were, maybe, a leetle prouder nor they should be." 

Susan had, of course, many offers ; yet as she told Emily Glen- 
ville, her confidante — "she'd no idea of marrying any rough body 
without no more manners than a barr ; and for her part she'd have 
somebody that know'd how to dress up on Sundays in store cloth 
and yaller buttins, a sort a gentleman like." 

Now Susan did not really think that dress made the man ; she 
did only think, and properly think, that no decent young fellow 
would on proper occasions boorishly neglect his dress, and espe- 
cially when he came a courting. 

One answering externally became a suitor. He was morally, 
however, unworthy Susan ; and her escape was owing to his per- 
sonal dirtiness — with which a curious accident made her ac- 



FIRST YEAR 137 

quainted. She caught sight of his naked feet, as he in a moment 
of forgetfidness took off his shoes and stockings in her presence; 
upon which she declared next day to Emily Glenville, "that she 
never would have sich a dirty feller, if he did wear store cloth 
and yaller buttins." This fellow, a pretty well educated Scotch- 
man, had courted some by letters, which the x-\shfords not fully 
comprehending had now and then brought to Emily to be de- 
ciphered, especially the letter in which the suitor said, "he had a 
predilection for his mistress !" On this occasion, Susan remarked, 
"there was sich a powerful heap of diksenery words, she could'nt 
quite see the drift on 'em. Happily the above accident saved our 
protege from a disastrous union with an atheist and a distiller. 

But now Joseph Redden was accepted; a very honest, indus- 
trious, and upright young man ; and who not only dressed up to 
Susan's rule, but more than that, he kept, about twenty-five miles 
distant, a small store himself, and sold store cloth and yellow 
buttons to others. And thus Susan, and all her old friends, and 
we her new ones, were well satisfied. Having no occasion to 
mention our young folks after the wedding, we think the reader 
will be glad to know, that when we re-emigrated from the west, 
Mr. and Mrs. Redden were living in comfortable circumstances, 
respected and beloved. 

In due time the wedding-day came. Mr. Hilsbury, however, 
had not yet got home from a distant missionary tour, and we of 
Glenville were forced to set out without the bishop ; in hopes in- 
deed, he would be yet in time at Mr. Ashford's. Between our 
settlement and his, the distance was little more than two miles ; 
and for want of conveyances enough for all, it was concluded in a 
general assembly of our colony the day before, that the ladies and 
helps of the borough, should ride to the wedding, and the 
gentlemen walk. And so we took up the line of procession thus : — 

1. Uncles John and Tommy in the van. Their business was 
to keep the true course through the woods, clear away brush and 
let down fences. 

2. Mrs. Glenville and Aunt Kitty riding twice on Kate, the 
celebrated grey mare — queen of horses (genus.) 

3. The Rev. Mistress Hilsbury on a borrowed nag; the lady 
with an infant in her arms, and a little girl for nurse behind. 



138 FIRST YEAR 

4. Mrs. Carlton, Miss Emily and Aunt Nancy on our spotted 
mare, called Freckled Ginney. 

5. Last of the cavalry, Old Dick, with all the help of the 
colony — i. e. three gals riding thrice. 

6. Glenville and Carlton closed the rear. Our business was to 
put up fences, see the ladies get along in safety, and, above all, 
to keep Dick from lagging. For like grave personages familiar 
with Chesterfield, Dick was rarely in a hurry ; on the contrary he 
usually stepped with a very solemn swing, as conscious men's eyes 
were upon him and of his weight in society. And yet after a very 
long sermon he would sometimes hasten home with an irreverent 
impatience ; and always on rounding a certain sink hole, whence 
could be caught a glimpse of the stable, our hero, and without 
consulting the friends who were kindly backing him, would sud- 
denly pitch into a gait compounded of every pace and shuffle ever 
learned in his youth or since taken up extemporaneously. 

Once Dick had been loaned to the Bishop's wife; and on our 
return from church — all persuasives from the lady's heel and Mr. 
Carlton's toe — all stripes from beech rods and leather whip — all 
cherrups and get-ups and even old-rascals-you — all snapping of 
bridle reins to bring to his recollection Conestogo whip-crackings 
— all, all were in vain! — Dick only grinned or gave a double 
flourish with his tail, crawling along and dragging leg after leg, 
till they seemed always in motion and yet always stock-still ! But 
unexpectedly to us he reached the favourite sink hole; when^ 
giving a sudden sneeze and slapping my beast in the face with his 
tail, away he darted into the nondescript gait named — ^but very 
much as if the caco-demons dislodged from the swine had some- 
how got possession of his carcase. The dry leaves of autumn 
were then plenty, and the fellow got them into such a lively, ex- 
cited and noisy state, that we riders, only ten feet apart, 
could hear nothing said by one another: hence, after use- 
less efforts to be heard in answer to the lady's voice coming to 
me in a high screech-key, I kept only at last rising in my stirrups, 
opening the mouth very wide and supporting the jaw with one 
hand, so that with a distorted face I seemed in the agony and 
effort of loud and earnest delivery — but yet uttered not a word. 
And in this interesting attitude we sustained an instructive con- 



FIRST YEAR 139 

versation, till the lady guessing at the pantomime, we both added 
a chorus of cachination to the rattling harmony of shuffling 
horse-heels, and came in a tempestuous whirlwind of careering 
leaves to the last — bars; where Dick stopped and the hurricane 
subsided. 

"Nonsense! Mr. Carlton—" 

Granted, my dear Mr. Graves : but are we back-woods' people 
to have no fun? And if we are to have any, how shall we have it 
unless we create it? You have concerts, and balls, and popular 
lectures till they become unpopular — and jest books — Lady's Book 
— Gentleman's Book — Boy's Book — and organs in churches, and 
candy shops and oysters and what not? And we are to mope to 
death in the woods — hey? Believe me, we learn out there to 
make our own sports and contrive to extract something pleasant 
from the empty roar of autumnal leaves shuffled and kicked into 
harmless tempest by old Dick's horse-heels. And further, dear 
Mr. Strutell, all this requires more ingenuity, and even a calmer 
conscience, than every body has : an ill-natured, an ignorant, a 
conceited, a wicked person will be very miserable in the solitudes 
of a New Purchase. 

"But you started for the wedding." 

We did; but we had two miles and more to go — and here is 
the place — and we shall resume the narrative. 

The wedding party were all assembled and expecting our ar- 
rival. And now Mr. Ashford came to meet us, expressing his 
regret at the failure of Mr. Hilsbury to be present; but as several 
other preachers were present, he suggested that it would now be 
best to proceed with the ceremony. In this we coincided, and so 
preparation was made for it, the Rev. Diptin Menniwater being 
selected in place of Bishop Hilsbury. 

And soon then we were all paraded in the large rooms, in 
which the company was compactly rowed along upon benches, 
as noiseless and solemn as in "meetin :" and hence we men of 
Glenville went squeezing around, and among, and into, shaking 
hands with all that could be got at, and nodding and smiling and 
winking at such as could not be felt and handled, till places were 
found if not to sit in, yet to stand in, and where we waited in 
laudable patience for the descent of the bridal party to destroy 



I40 FIRST YEAR 

the oppressive and dead calm that succeeded. The solemn still- 
ness was indeed, now and then broken by some lagger who admin- 
istered the usual slap to the door and uttered the visiting formula 
already named — but that was only an interruption like pitching a 
pebble into a smooth deep lake. At very long last Mrs. Ashford 
going to foot of the steps — a compound of ladder and stairs — 
called to those in the upper room: — 

"Well if any body up thare's got a sort of notion to get 
married to-day, I allow thare's no time to lose, no how." 

This was answered with a species of giggle-sniggering by par- 
ties in both stories ; and in the midst commenced above a shuffle 
movement, as if something might be expected below pretty quick. 
And soon was placed in descending order, first, a pair of shiney 
new calf-skin boots with thin soles ; then, secondly, only a step 
higher, a pair of bran new morocco slippers, with ancles in white 
stockings ; and then, thirdly, at suitable intervals, second pairs of 
shiney dittos and moroccos and ancles. These omens were in- 
stantly succeeded by coat tails hooked on men's arms, and white 
frocks held aloof from soiled stairs — (all which matters were 
plain enough to us behind the stair way, it having no flooring or 
back for the convenience of sweeping and scrubbing) — till the 
principal actors had all descended bodily, and stood among us 
propria persona — i. e. as large as life. Whether from ignorance 
or etiquette, the groom and his attendant, instead of being leaned 
upon, rested their own arms on those of the two ladies, the bride 
and her maid — as if each man had hooked a woman and was 
determined to hold her fast for a wife after the trouble of 
catching. 

The Rev. Mr. Menniwater, a piteous looking personage, hum- 
ble as a drowned rat, was now seen to emerge from behind one of 
the back benches, whither he had slunk away, to nurse his courage 
for the grand duty ; but unable to come near the parties at the foot 
of the stair-ladder, he remained where he was and began to cry 
out his part as if engaged in out-door preaching, only with unusual 
rapidity, lest his speech should be forgotten before it could all be 
delivered — thus : — 

"Well — are you going for to take — Sir — that womin — Sir — a 
holdin by the hand — Sir — for a lawful — covenint wife. Sir?" 



FIRST YEAR 141 

To this question direct the groom and groomsman both re- 
tured nods ; although the real man added an audible — "Yes I am," 
giving, too, a visible pinch to Susan's arm ; equivalent to an ex- 
hortation and admonition that it was next her turn. 

"Well — are you going for to have — hem ! — Ma'am ! — that thare 
man — Ma'am ! — a holdin on your arm — for to be your lawful 
covenint — man — hem ! — husband, Ma'am ?" 

Here both ladies made a courtesy, (kurtshee,) but Susan added 
the affirmative ; upon which the parson repeated the following 
closing form: — 

"Well, I say then by authority of this here license from the 
dark of our court, as how you're both now — man and woman — 
that is — hem ! — as how both of you are married, young folks, and 
no body's no right to keep you asunder." Upon which, greatly 
terrified, our preacher instantly demanded something to drink ; not 
that he needed any thing from thirst, but from embarrassment, 
and to cover his retreat. And this request was, at the very word, 
answered by a potation or grog, of whiskey, water and maple 
sugar. Indeed, in those days out there, we have been in church, 
when, at the amen to the benediction, forth came Deacon Giles, 
with a wash-basin-bowl full of whiskey and some water, sweet- 
ened as above and flavoured with nutmeg; and of this sipped first 
the man of God — for form's sake: — and after that it was all 
swallowed by the congregation, in mouthfuls sufficient to elevate 
the mind, if dejected by the sermon. 

But the Rev. D. Menniwater's call for drink, was the signal 
that the matrimonial meeting was out ; and the kissing of the 
bride was set going by the ladies of Glenville, who, (for mere 
example's sake, however,) were followed by the gentlemen of 
Glenville. And two of these gentlemen, I think, extended their 
salutation to the bridesmaid, which was so encouraging to the 
groomsman, and other shy chaps, that they with one consent be- 
gan to salute the brides that were to be : so that affairs were soon 
as completely uproarious and screechery as in a fashionable, high- 
bred evening party, with one good piano and some three dozen 
vocalists, professors and amateurs of singing and talking. At last 
the girls put out, followed by the beaux, and none were left in the 
room but we old folks, (married people,) and the young couple. 



142 FIRST YEAR 

And then came on all the old. racy and original jokes and sayings 
on such occasions, with some new ones in regard to the "man 
and woman," made by Mr. M. ; whose inveterate habit of "old 
manning," &c. had forced him to substitute man and woman for 
husband and wife, in concluding the ceremony. One very smart 
neighbour body so persisted in calling the whole no ceremony at 
all, that poor Susan was half persuaded she was hardly married; 
and had we of Glenville fomented the affair, and Mr. Hilsbury 
been present, Susan, I do think, would have had the marriage 
ceremony over again. 

It was now noon, and dinner — the grand affair — was not to be 
till near 3 o'clock p. m. — although every body, man, woman, boy, 
girl, help, domestic, hired and volunteer, hands and legs, were all 
ferment in hastening this catastrophe of our drama: and truly 
drama it was, if action and motion pertain to its essence. Here a 
boy was ferociously cutting wood — there one toting wood : here a 
man and two women getting a ffre in full blast out of doors — 
there two men and one girl blowing up one within: and then 
rushed by a whirlwind of petticoats, with one featherless turkey, 
or two featherless hens, affectionately hugged along to dutch 
ovens and skillets ! Some carried and fixed tables, pushing and 
kicking and jamming at them till they consented to stay fixed, 
and not to coggle ! Some fixed rattling plates, clattering knives, 
and ringing bowls on stout table covers ; which were at the same 
moment jerked by others, till they "came a sorter strate!" And 
there was Mr. Ashford, Jun. with his rifle, decapitating extra 
fowls, the company proving much larger than had been expected ! 
For on these hearty and solemn occasions every body is wel- 
come, who comes as an umbra to a neighbour, or acts as his own 
shadow and shade ; and every body is stuffed with as much as he 
will hold; so that all sorts of feathered creatures suffer for the 
wedding dinner, and in great numbers, it being long before a 
wholesome backwoodsman ever cries, "Ohe! jam satis!" about 
the same as the classic reader knows as crying out, "Well ! I've 
a belly full !" 

The whole clearing evidently enjoyed a saturnalia. Wagons 
and carts and sleds rested from rolling and screeching; gears of 
leather and gears of elm-bark hung crooked and unstretched on 



FIRST YEAR 143 

fences and projections of cabin outhouses; and ploughs lay peace- 
ful, with polished shares gleaming in sunshine. The animals 
manifestly enjoyed the affair; hens of maternal character clucked 
mid late broods, and some wallowed in dust ; geese hissed ; ducks 
quacked; and dogs in all quarters, ran, barked, and wagged their 
very tails for gladness ; while shaggy horses peeped in wonder 
over bars, or hung tenderly about the barn and corn cribs. 

Adjacent the house was a yard ; and this being swept daily with 
wooden brooms and tramped, had become denuded of grass, and 
hard and clean as a puncheon floor. Here ^ we now walked, ran, 
jumped, joked, told tales, made brags and belts — tickled folk's 
ears with timothy heads — quizzed chaps about marrying — chased 
girls going to the spring for water, or to the milk house, and ever 
so many funny things besides. And, what was wonderful ! the 
girls went every five minutes to the spring or milk house ; and 
came, too, through the front yard, when, if they had thought, the 
way out of the back door was much shorter and more direct! 
And then such a sprinkling of water from little calabashes and 
tin cups and ox horns ! And such a hanging of dish-cloths and 
milk-strainers on the "yaller buttins" of the hinder man ! And 
the laughing! — and the rifle-shooting! — in a word, we, (author 
now included,) were most decidedly, and most vulgarly happy, 
joyous, and chock full of fun and frolic. 

Of course all this was too much for Old Dick to stand and 
look at all day: hence, contriving to ease off his bridle and then 
to work over the fence, or may be under it. there, sure enough, 
in the midst of our sacred enclosure, suddenly stood his impu- 
dence, and as if we were his "feller critturs." He was no 
stranger, however, to the company, and his self-introduction was 
hailed with more than three cheers ; it being well known he would 
contribute his share to the entertainment. Accordingly, like a 
favourite dog, he was fed with bits of bread, both corn and 
wheat, and with slices of fat pork and pieces of fresh beef ; 
which latter he would only chew awhile, like tobacco, and then 
eject. He was then smoothed and slapped and called names — 
then pulled by the tail — pinched on the ears — made to grin — and 
then jumped on and jumped over; till at last girls were packed and 
3 We, here belongs to the company, not the author. 



144 FIRST YEAR 

stowed upon him, and nothing was visible of the favourite but 
four horse-legs, moving under frocks, and a tail wagging and 
flourishing happily among chinz and morrocco — the whole a most 
grotesque feminine centaur ! But when we packed the fellow with 
men and boys, he would either shake or bite them off; and if these 
failed he would suddenly lie down, and then the compound rollings 
were uncommonly entertaining. 

Three chaps now mounted Dick, and fully resolved to make 
him ford the creek, here about ten yards wide and some feet 
deep. By dint of coaxing and kicking and pulling and pushing, 
by the riders and the company, Dick was got into the water, when 
he splashed on voluntarily to the middle — but farther than that, 
not an inch. No — there he halted, and stood fixed as a river- 
horse that had grown up on the spot! And vain all entreaties, 
cuffings, kickings ! vain all combined hallooings ! vain all pelting 
with clods and stones — all latherings with long bean poles! — he 
was wholly unbudgable! At last, however, he did move; and 
so did his riders, who hastily slipped off into water more than 
knee deep, preferring that to the roll in the creek — Dick having 
exhibited the premonitory symptom of performing that ceremony ; 
and then they, amid no small uproar of laughter from the whole 
assembled "weddeners," waded to the bank. "But Dick, what 
did he?" Ay, sure enough — why he speedily betook himself to 
the farther side, where he wandered about and eat twigs and 
bushes, till he was caught for our return. Reader, was all this 
instinct or reason? 

After this we told adventures. Among others, one hard feat- 
ured old worthy gave the following account about his "old 
womin's tarrifying a barr," angelice, terrifying a bear. 

"When we was fust settled" — said he — "down on Higginsis 
bottim, there was no mills in these parts and so we pack'd all our 
bread stuffs from out thare at Wool'll about once a month or 
thare-abouts, me going one day and coming back agin next day 
and my ole womin a stayin in the cabin till I gits back. The In- 
jins was mostly gone, but straglin ones kept comin on and off, 
but tho' they was harmless like, folks was a little dubus and 
didn't want thare company ; and my ole womin she always shot 
the door at night, and a sort a draw'd the bedstid agin it. Well, 



FIRST YEAR 145 

so one night I was away for meal and she bethought as how 
she'd render off her fat; and so she ons with the grate pot — that 
one you're old womin neighbour Ashford borrered last year to 
bile sugar in — and she puts in her fat and begins a heatin it; 
when what does she hear all at once on a sudden but a powerful 
trampin round the cabin ! "Maybe," says she to herself, "its some 
poor Injin wants in" — when all at once the trampin stopt and 
somethin begins a scratchin up outside the chimbly, and she spies 
through a crack, and if it want a powerful barr that was arter 
the fat! And she know'd the varmint wasn't going to rest till 
he klim down the inside of the chimbly ; and then she'd have to 
put out and maybe lose all her fat ! Well, my ole womin was 
to be sure, a leetle skur'd — but she did'nt lose her presentiment of 
mind — she only let the fellow back down as near as was con- 
venient — and then she jerks a handful of dry grass out of our 
tick, and set fire to the whole on the fat ! "And she says, 'twas 
most powerful laffy to hear the barr go up chimbly agin — and how 
he was still heern a growlin and makin tracts for the timbers ! 
And that's the way she tarrifyed the barr and a sort of a scorched 
his brichis." 

"That makes me, grandaddy," said a young Hecules — "think 
how near I was to bein skur'd last week, with a wild cat over 
on Acorn Ridge. I was out huntin turkey, but had no luck, and 
didn't see the fust one till I comes toward's Inglissis — and there 
I heerd a feller goblin. So I crawls into the brush near a beech 
and begins a goblin, and he begins a anserrin and a comin up — 
but jist then I hears somethin a nuther in the beech above — ^but 
I was afeard to move my head lest the turkey ketch sight of me 
— and so I gives another gobble, and then hears him a coming 
up rite smart, and I was only waitin to git sight of him — when 
what should I hear but a sudden shakin rite over my head — 
and so I looks out of the tail of my eye so — (turning his eye for 
illustration) — and I'll be dogg'd if thare warn't a wild cat jist 
goin to spring, as I'd gobled him up like a gineine cock myself. 
So, you see I give up the turkey and killed the varmint — and 
that's his skin, grandaddy, you see tother day at our house." 

This reminded Uncle John of an adventure of his own some- 
what similar, and he went on thus : 



146 FIRST YEAR 

"One day when hunting in Georgia I got into a pine thicket, 
where I sat down on a log to rest. Happening to look in a cer- 
tain direction — for nothing of the sort was expected — I saw a 
fine buck coming slowly towards the thicket, either not seeing 
me or to reconnoitre. I had put off my shoes to cool my feet, 
but now without thinking about it, I rose to my feet ready to 
fire as soon as the deer should be near enough : but as I stood 
about this way — (way exhibited, the legs apart) — I felt some- 
thing very cold glide upon one of my bare feet, and on glancing 
my eye that way, what was it but a rattlesnake crawling from un- 
der the log across my foot! I had providentially presence of 
mind to remain immovable as a rock — till the snake had actually 
crawled his whole length over my foot; and when fairly beyond 
I suddenly jumped away, and then killed him: — but of course I 
lost my buck." 

"Brother John" — said uncle Tommy — "that makes me think of 
my being lost twenty years ago — but dinner, I reckon, is most 
ready " 

"Oh ! no, uncle Tommy" — said Mr. Ashford — "we've time for 
that 'venture of yours." 

This was enough for Uncle Leatherstocking ; for no man so 
delighted in telling adventures. Indeed, few men ever en- 
countered more; and still fewer could orally relate them so 
well. He was not an educated man, or even a good English 
scholar; still he had read much and conversed much with intel- 
ligent persons : and so he was fluent in natural English, and could 
aptly coin words and pronunciations to suit new ideas and cir- 
cumstances. I shall try and preserve his manner and spirit : but 
to enjoy his stories, one should sit in his lonely cabin of a winter's 
night away in the howling wilderness, and see his countenance 
and action, and hear his tones. 

"Prehaps" — said uncle Tommy — "you know my wife's father 
had considerable land on the Blue Fox River in Ohio ; so as we two 
wanted a leetle more elbow room, I says one day to Nancy,"Nancy," 
says I, "I dad 'spose we put out and live there. Game's mighty 
plenty there, and there's fine water and plenty a fish, and plenty 
a wood ; and we kin lay in stores enough at Squattertown to last 
more nor six months on a streech." And sure enough, as I'm 



FIRST YEAR 147 

a livin man, off we sets and puts up a cabin in the centre of the 
track, and that give us room for the present : for the nearest white 
settlement warnt nearer nor four mile, and Squattertown, the 
county seat, was nigh on to twelve mile off. The Ingins, poor 
critturs, kim a huntin over our track, albeit, there was no reglar 
town of theirn nearer nor twenty miles: but they never did us 
harm — no, not a hait — (little bit) — and Nancy got so used to their 
red skins that she never minded them. There's bad Ingins that 
will steal and maybe massurkree: but most when they find a rale 
sinserity-hearted white, would a blame sight sooner scalp themselves 
than him. And I do believe me and Nancy was beliked by them : 
and many's the ven'sin and turkey they fotch'd as a sort of pres- 
ent, and maybe a kind of pay for breadstuffs and salt Nancy used 
to give them. Sartin, indeed, a white would now and then be 
killed : but when all the circumstansis was illusterated, it was 
ginerally found the white was agressur, and was kotch'd doing 
something agin their laws — and me and Nancy had a secret con- 
science that the white deserved his fate: — and sometimes I felt 
like takin sides with the red skins myself, and shootin down the 
whiskey devils that made them drunk — but I'll not enter on that 
now. 

"Well, I hunted and fish'd about whole days, the livelong 
blessed day, while Nancy she'd stay alone a readin Scott's Family 
Bible : so that she got three times right spang through it, from 
kiver to kiver — the whole three volumes, notes, practical ob- 
servations, marginal references, and all! And, I dad, if she 
didn't read clean through all our church histories, Milnursis, and 
Mush-heemisis, and history of the Baptisis and Methodisis, and 
never so many more books besides, for we always toted our books 
wherever we went. And when I fished I used to lam sarmins 
by heart out of Christmas Evans, and president Davy's and Mr. 
Walker's and that was a kind of help in preachin." 

Uncle Tommy usually made the dead speak when he preached, 
and sometimes he would echo Bishop Shrub and Bishop Hilsbury, 
and other living apostles. And in this he acted wisely, not being 
competent to the concoction of his own sermons ; and besides, 
when fully excited he could do Christmas Evans' celebrated al- 
manac sermon nearly as well as Christmas himself : thence among 



148 FIRST YEAR 

the "Baptistis," as he always called them, Uncle Tommy was 
greatly venerated, and was heaped up with titles like an English 
Bishop, being styled: "a mighty smart and most powerful big 
preacher!" Let not Uncle Tommy's pulpit preparation be de- 
spised; even "high larned sheepskins," it is said, do sometimes 
lay both the living and the dead under heavy contribution, and 
that, too, when not endowed with our buck-eye-preacher's pathos 
and unction. We, indeed, of Glenville, always preferred that 
uncle Tommy should represent Davies and Walker — and even 
Evans — and not to give his own. But to the story ; 

"Well" — continued he — "one morning early in December, I 
says to Nancy, "Nancy, I dad, says I, I do believe I'll jist take 
old Bet — (a rifle) — as we are out of meat, and go where I seen 
the turkeys roosting last night: you mind the morning, Nancy, 
my dear, don't you ?" 

"Bless you. Tommy Seymour, I'll never forget it — I was near 
losing you then. Tommy." 

"Well, Nancy, I'll go on with the story." 

This was one of the interlocutories that always varied and 
interrupted Uncle Tommy's narratives, and nothing could excel 
the intense interest that most affectionate and devoted wife — 
(wife and child to him) — took in the stories, though heard the 
hundredth time. But uncle Tommy went on : — 

"And so I slips out of bed — it wasn't day quite — and slips on 
my clothes, and fixes my old gun by the fire and then opens the 
door to set out, when I dissarned a leetle sprinkle of snow and 
a likelihood for a snow storm. Howsomever, this did'nt fase 
me, only I steps back for my old camlit cloak — little thinking, as 
I fixed it on, how I'd need the thing afore I'd git back agin. 

"Well, I starts for where I'd seen the turkeys, and gitting near, 
sneaked round a bit, but soon found the critturs had been too 
quick, and like Paddy's flea, wasn't there. I heerd them, how- 
somever, fly, and so on I kept creeping slowly along till I'd got 
from home, mayhap, a matter of two miles ; but the snow was 
so thick in the air that I never could dissarn the birds, and away 
they kept going flurry-wurry about seventy yards a head — till I 
give up the hunt and turn'd to go home for fear Nancy might be 
waiting breakfast — " 



FIRST YEAR 149 

"Yes, Tommy Seymour, I did wait breakfast for you — " 
"Never mind, Nancy, my dear child, I got back at last you 
know" — replied uncle Tommy, and continued — "Well, I turn'd to 
go back, but I dad if I could jist exactly tell where I was precise- 
ly, the snow had so teetolly kivered my tracks, and it was now 
snowing so bodaciously fast as to kiver as fast as I made them, 
but I took a sharp look at the timber, and fixing on a course, I 
kept my line for near two mile — yet, I dad, if I could strike the 
cabin and couldn't tell whether it was too high or too low; and 
so up I went a short quarter, and down a short quarter, as near 
as could be guessed circumlocating for three hours, but no cabin 
was to be seen. Well, says I, I dad, if I aint about as good as 
lost ; and so sits down in a tree top to reconsiderate, and take a 
fresh start — but soon starts up and hallows like the ole Harry — 
but nothing gives no answer and all was snow ! — snow ! — snow ! 
not a smite of noise, only my breathing and a sort of pittinpattin 
sound of my heart! I found it wouldn't do to stand still as the 
scarces begin to crawl in a leetle, and so off I sets at a venture ; 
for the cabin must be, says I, somewhere near; and sometimes 
I conceited it to be ahead of me, but all at once it vanished, and 
I seed it was only a case of fantis-magery — and that I, Tommy 
Seymour, was actially lost — " 

"Yes! Tommy, and I couldn't give you any help!" 
"Nancy! child, I wouldn't a had you there for the universal 
world." 

"Well," — resumed he, — "there I was teetotally lost ! I couldn't 
stay still — yet what use to walk on? And if I fired my gun, and 
Nancy heerd it, and I didn't git back, mayhap she'd think the 
Injins had killed me, and then she'd come out and git lost too! 
— and with that idea, thinks I, may be she's out now ! — and then 
I gits bodaciously sker'd and hollows agin like the very ole Harry ! 
and walks and runs this way and that way — the snow blinding 
my eyes — but all was of no use — I was lost! lost! lost! But it 
was only about Nancy here, I thought at this time; — and I dad, 
if I din't ketch myself a crying like a child, — and wished to be 
lost by myself without her coming out in such a storm! — (We here 
stole a look at Aunt Nancy — I could not catch her eye as she had 
her work-bag over her face: but "I dad," as uncle Tommy used 



I50 FIRST YEAR 

to say, if we didn't feel a leetle tender ourselves. And so, gen- 
erous reader, would you have felt, hearing the tremulous thrill of 
the venerable old man's voice and seeing his eye affectionately 
turned towards that dear old lady that for so many years had 
shared his wanderings and sorrows.) — "Well, I must 'a become 
crazy, running round and hollowing and crying — and all of no 
use — when all at once it quit snowing, and I was sperited up, 
hoping the sun would shine out next, and I could take a course 
for Squattertown or the Injin settlement. But it kept dark and 
cloudy and I begins to feel weak from fatigue and hunger — 
(albeit I war'nt sker'd on that pint, as I had old Bet along) — 
and so allowing it was about one o'clock, I determined to strike 
the Blue Fox, and keep down stream to the settlement on its 
bank thirty miles down. Well, off I sets to strike the river, and 
in about four miles comes to a little pond with a couple of ducks 
swimming about. I stopp'd in my tracks — ^knock'd out damp 
primin — puts in fresh — and slams away and kills one duck; and 
the other flies away. And I gits the duck to land by pitching 
sticks in, but not wanting to lose time, I kept on going; and so 
picked off the feathers and sucked a little of it raw, till it 'most 
made me sick, and I thought it would be better to keep and cool 
it at night — which was now coming on black as thunder. Well, 
it was time to look out for a camp; and just about dark I come 
across a tree what had been twisted off by a harrikin, and was 
lodged to the butt ind on the stump ; and the top on the ground 
was puttee much of a dry brush heap. For all the world! there 
never was sich a place! — Providence seemed to have blow'd it 
down jist for me! I could have camp'd there a week! And so 
we brushes away the snow and makes a fire in the top ! and near 
the stump under the trunk, makes a comfortable bed out of 
chunks and brush wood: and then I goes to the fire and sits 
down to cook my duck. 

"But, I dad, if I could help thinking about our cabin and 
every time I think of Nancy! — I — ; but I know'd there was a 
divine Providence and a heavenly Father — and so I prayed, and 
then eat one half of my duck, keeping the other; as game was 
mighty skerse and no human beings was in that direction till I 
struck the Blue Fox. And then, making a little fire near my bed 



FIRST YEAR 151 

for my feet, and kivering my powder-horn with a handkerchief 
to put under my head for fear of damp and sparks, I raps up in 
the ole-camHt, and laid down, and was soon fast asleep. 

"Well, after a while I gits to dreaming I was lost in a prararee, 
and that the grass had tuck fire, and that I was a kind of suf- 
focated and scorch'd; — and I dreamed I heerd the awful roaring 
of flames, and seen a burning whirlwind coming towards me, and 
that so sker'd me that I woke right up — and, I dad ! as I'm a 
livin man ! if the woods all around me wasn't as light as day ! 
And my tree was all a living blaze and burning splinters was 
tumblin on my ole camlit — ay ! and my cotton handkerchief round 
my powder-horn was jist beginning to smoke and scorch ! — I dad ! 
my friends and bruthrin" — (Here, Uncle T. insensibly glided into 
his preaching tone and manner) — "but this was a most mur- 
rakulous dream!! and show'd the nature of Providence and his 
care — or I'd 'a soon been burnt to death or blow'd up! And I 
didn't sleep no more — 'but kneeled down and thank'd God for 
the deliverance ; and then kept sitting near the fire till day, and 
th^n I once more started for the river. 

"Howsomever, to make a long story short, I walked on and 
on the live-long blessed day, and never heerd or seen a living 
crittur ; and I never came to any river — but at night I comes to 
a log that had been chopp'd ofif and this give me courage. And 
so I makes a fire, and eats now the other half of my duck — for I 
was somehow sartain I'd find a settlement in the morning. Well, 
I slept the second night along side this log, and by daybreak I 
jumps up and feels something a kind of moving in my old camlit 
— and, I dad! if it wasn't a snake what the fire had smoked out 
of the log and what had crept into me to be warm ! But I only 
shook out the reptile and never killed him, thinking only of some 
settlemint — (Although it was the snake, brother John told about, 
that made me think of my adventure) — for the sarcumstance of 
the chopp'd log satisfied me, some was near, as it was no tommy- 
hawk cut, but was done with a white man's axe. Well, I starts 
off puttee considerable peert and brisk, considerin I was weak, 
and, all at once, as I'm a livin man, if I didn't hear a bark ! And 
so I stops and listens — and there was another — and another — 
and I was sartain it wasn't no fox or wolf but a dog — and then, 



152 FIRST YEAR 

I dad ! if I didn't streak off that way like greased lightiiin ! — and 
begun and holler'd and fired! — and the dog bark'd louder and 
louder, and kept on coming nearer and nearer! and I a running 
and hoUerin till all at once right in sight of me was — a human 
cabin!! If I live a thousand years, — (and none of us, my 
bruthren will live half that long,) — I'll never forget that moment 
— and if ever I thank'd God with a rale sinserity-heart, 'twas 
then. But while I was reconsidering whose settlemint it was, 
for things looked a kind of familiar, the dog what had kept on 
barkin, now bust out of the bushes, a yelpin and a prancin around 
me ! — and why do you think ? — because the poor feller had found 
his lost master — and it was Nancy's little dog Ruff 1 And would 
you believe it? — my eyes was suddenly opened and like a pro- 
phit's, and I found I was on my own trampin ground, and the 
cabin was ours ! — and there stood my dear child Nancy, a lookin 
our way out of the cabin door! I dad! if I didn't snatch up 
Ruff and kiss him! — and the poor little crittur — (he's dead now) 
— lick'd my face with his tongue — and in that way I run over 
to Nancy." — (Here the emotion of the old man and the agitation 
of his wife made a momentary pause — it was, indeed, as solemn 
as church.) — "Well, after all was explained and illusterated, we 
kneel'd down and thank'd God : and then Nancy, she told how 
she thought I was killed and then maybe only lost, till she was 
jist goin to start for the next settlemint; and if I'd a come ten 
minits later, she'd been off after help ! 

"So that's one of my scrapes ; and it illusterates the fillosof ee 
that makes a man keep going round and round when he's lost ; for 
albeit I must a walked more nor fifty mile in the two days, I 
wasn't never over seven mile from the cabin; and that's the 
pond where the duck was ; and when I come back again, I didn't 
know at fust my own cabin — nor the chopp'd log, though I'd cut 

down the tree myself. And " 

Here dinner was fortunately announced ; for nothing else 
then could have stopped Uncle Tommy — and we weddeners had 
a lucky escape from a long sermon on Providence ; Uncle Tommy 
greatly delighting in improvements, and "speretilizing" his ad- 
ventures, and indeed, all other matters, and usually winding up 
his land-yarns with notes and practical observations, in the man- 



FIRST YEAR 153 

ner of Henry and Scott. The truth is we were half starved, and 
had very natural hankerings after "beggarly elements — carnal 
meats and drinks, and such like observances." 

The dinner table was set in the diagonal of the room, and could 
accommodate about thirty persons ; but as our company was 
twice that number, we were "to eat twice." As usual the new 
married persons were seated at one end, and the groomsman and 
bridesmaid at the other: and then were seated all the married 
men, and after that as many as possible of the married women ; 
preference on such occasions being shown to the worthier gender.* 
This inversion of the matrimonial chord arises mainly from the 
fact, that out there women reserve themselves to attend to the 
table ; and, therefore, when the "set up" is ordered, the gentlemen 
instantly seat themselves alongside, and partly under the table. 
Sheepish young chaps usually hang back, however hungry, and 
say, "Oh! there's no 'casion:" after which they give an ac- 
quiescing cough or two, or more commonly go to the door, and 
give a twang with the nose and finger instrument, (in place of 
fashionable phrases,) and then drop, as if shot down, into a seat, 
jerking the seat under the table, till the mouth comes to its level, 
and is thus fixed for convenient feeding. 

All Glenville had a seat at the first table, except John Glen- 
ville, who partly out of policy, but more out of true and gentle- 
manly feeling, preferred coming with the young people to the 
second table. And when the company were fixed — and fixed 
it was till one could barely stir a hand or foot — Uncle Tommy 
"asked a blessing;" when he made amends for a long story by a 
very short prayer. But even in that prayer, which certainly lasted 
no longer than two minutes, he contrived, among other things, 
to ask a blessing on the young folks, praying especially, "for them 
as had jist been married, according to the divine appointment in 
the garden of Edin, that they might both of them live to a good 
old age, and be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth, 
and see their children's children to the third and fourth giner- 
ation, and that other young folks present might soon settle and 
have families, and become an honour and a blessin in their day 
and gineration." 

* This is according to a rule of Latin grammar. 



154 FIRST YEAR 

Many young gentlemen of "the second table" waited on us of 
"the first table," and among them John Glenville : — and this 
was taken so kindly, that before we went home declarations were 
heard about "taking him up for the legislature, fall come a year" 
— a hint not lost on us, and of which more hereafter. I am 
sorry the reader can only taste our gooddes in imagination ; and 
yet are we cruel enough to let him see what he lost. 

And first, notice, all eatables, from "the egg to the apple," 
were on our table at once. Thus a single glance disclosed what 
amount of labour was expected: — our -whole work was there, 
and no other jobs of eating by way of appendix. Nor were we 
plagued with changing knives, whipping on and away of plates, 
and brushing or removing cloths ; no, no, we kept right dead 
ahead with the work from the start to the finish ; the sole labour 
of the attendants being to keep the plates "chuckfull" of some- 
thing, and ours, to eat! eat! eat! 

The dishes next. First, then, and middlemost, an enormous 
pot-pie, and piping hot, graced our centre, overpowering, with 
its fragrance and steam, the odours and vapours of all other 
meats: and the pot-pie was the wedding dish of our Purchase, 
par excellence! The pie to-day was the doughy sepulchre of 
at least six hens, two chanticleers, and four pullets, if it be 
logical to reason upward from legs and wings to bodies ! What 
pot could have contained the pie is inconceivable, unless the one 
used for "tarrifying the barr." Why, among other unknown 
contributors, it must have received one half peck of onions ! And 
yet it is to be feared that they who came after us were potpieless ; 
for potpie is the favourite, and woodmen sharp set are awful 
eaters. 

Around the pie were wild turkeys, (tame enough now,) with 
wonderful necks stretched out in search of their heads, and 
stupendous limbs and wings ready for flight, the instant the head 
should be discovered, or heard from ! The poor birds, however, 
were so done, over and under too, that all native juices were 
evaporated, and the flesh was dry as cork : but by way of amends 
quarts of gravy were judiciously emptied on our plates from 
the wash-basin-bowls. That also moistened the "stufif'nin," com- 
posed of Indian meal and sausages. 



FIRST YEAR 155 

These two were the grand dishes : but sprinkled and scattered 
about were plates of fried venison, fried turkey, fried chicken, 
fried duck, fried pork, and, for any thing I could know, even 
fried leather; for so complete and impartial the frying, that dis- 
tinctive tastes were obliterated, and it could only be guessed, by 
the shape, size, legs, &c., which was what, and the contrary. 

But who can tell of the "sasses?" for we had 'biled petaturs!" 
— and "smashed petaturs !" — and "petatursis !" i. e. potatoes rolled 
into balls as big as marbles, and baked brown. And there were 
"bil'd ingins !" — "fried ingins !" — and "ingins out of this here 
pie!" Yes, and beets of all known colours and unknown tastes! 
— all pickled in salt and vinegar and something else ! And there 
were pickled cucumbers, as far as salt and water could go ; and 
"punkun-butter !" — and "punkun-jelle !" — and corn bread in all 
its glory ! 

Scientifically inserted and insinuated among the first course, 
was the second ; every crevice and space being wedged up : and 
had the plates and saucers been like puzzlemaps, no table cloth 
would have been visible through the interstices. And fortunate ! 
the table itself was strong and masculine ; otherwise it must have 
been crushed under the combined weight of elbows and dishes ! 
This second course was chiefly custard ; and that stood in bowls 
and teacups of cadaverous white, encircled by unknown flowers. 
A pitcher of milk was gracefully adorned by the artist with the 
pattern of an entrail, taken doubtless out of some school book 
on physiology. But we had also custard-pies ! and made with 
both upper and under crusts! And also maple molasses, (usually 
called "them 'ere molassisis,") and preserved apples, preserved 
water melon-rinds, and preserved red peppers and tomatoes — 
all termed, for brevity's sake, (like words in Webster's diction- 
ary,) " 'sarves." 

A few under crusts, or shells, were filled with stewed peaches 
and apples ; an idea borrowed by Susan from Glenville : but so 
much was this like conformity to the pomps and vanities of life, 
that the careful mother had that very morning rebuked her 
daughter, and earnestly advised her not "to take to quality ways, 
but naturally bake pies with uppermost crusts's." And yet Mrs. 
Ashford soon got over her mifif, and, won by the marked and 



156 FIRST YEAR 

uncondescending attention paid to her daughter and her daughter's 
husband by us, she was heard not long after the rebuke to say — 
"Well, arter all, they're a right down clever sort of folks, and 
that 'are Mr. Carltin is naterally addicted to fun." 

Among the curiosities were the pound cakes, as numerous as 
apple dumplings, and about as large. These were compounded 
of some things found in pound cakes every where, and of some 
not found, maple sugar being, evidently from the taste, the master 
ingredient ; but their shape — that was the beauty ! All were 
baked in coffee-cups! and after being disencupped, each was iced 
all over, till it looked for all the world, exactly like an ill-made 
snow ball ! The icing, or snowing, was a composition of egg, 
starch, and a species of double-rectified maple sugar, as fine and 
white as table salt. 

In addition to all these matters tea and coffee were severally 
handed, while the girls in attendance asked each guest — "Do you 
take sweet'nin? If the reply was affirmative the same sized 
spoonful was put into every sized cup ; and then, to save you 
the trouble, the young lady stirred the beverage with her own 
fair hand, and with as much energy and good will as if she was 
mixing molasses and water. 

Now, we do hope no reader will think we of Glenville turned 
up our noses at all this. No, no verily ; but we ate as much and 
as long, laughing, talking, joking all the time too, as if native 
bom. As for Mr. Carlton, he stuck mainly to pot-pie, the marbled- 
potatoes, the custard and the maple molasses; which last, by the 
way, is indeed as superior to all far east and down east molasses 
and syrups as cheese is to chalk. 

The eventful day was, however, now closing, and some had 
already taken French leave, while many were rigging their horses 
for departure: hence we also began assembling our party to go 
homeward. But at the request of some young fellows, who of- 
fered to catch Dick and see the "gals" home, we left our helps, 
to have some fun after the graver people should be gone away. 
About a dozen volunteer groomsmen and bridesmaids remained 
to "see it out ;" viz, to torment Susan and Joseph : but Mrs. Ash- 
ford, a very watchful and discreet woman, told us afterward, she 
"took care to stop all goins on, and made ev'ry livin soul and body 
of 'em go to bed an hour before herself and her man went." 



FIRST YEAR 157 

A different but no less effectual preventive was used by another 
new^-married couple in the Purchase, where we had the honour of 
an invitation. The loft had been assigned as the bridal chamber, 
the sole access to which was a light ladder ; and up this some of 
the "weddeners" intended to steal and upset the bed of the 
sleepers — but alas ! for the fun ! — the groom, in anticipation of 
the favour, it was found, had draivn up the ladder! 



CHAPTER XX. 

"Parva leves capitant animos." 

"Various, that the mind of desultory man." 

The ladies of Glenville, in addition to various other matters, 
paid special attention in the winter to needle-work : and that 
was bestowed on gowns, coats, overalls, inexpressibles, and in 
short, on the whole tribe of unmentionables ; and also on various 
tasteful and fancy articles. In the kitchen was a loom, not for 
laces, but for measuring out, yard after yard of tow-linen and 
Kentucky jeans; and on this piano forte our ladles played many 
a merry tune, the burden of which was "our days are swifter 
than a weaver's shuttle;" which yet proved that a short span is 
rendered by a swift shuttle. Indeed, in our circumstances, the 
use of the treadles was more important than the use of the pedals. 

Our ladies this winter spent much time in reading: and, not 
a little in longing after the flesh-pots of Eg>'pt! And yet there 
was much in the wild and rough wilderness; — much in the men 
and women of the woods, so in contrast with the culture of the 
city, that when the novelty passed, and we had time to reflect that 
in our day the neighbours could never be like us, nor we like 
them — that we were tolerated, rather than cherished — and were 
far away from sympathy — it was then that we seemed to awake 
to a sad and bitter remembrance of the past — yes, and that past 
in no way, to some of us, ever to be restored, to be revisited! In 
the far east were the graves of their fathers! — (the graves of 
mine, I cannot find) for the Seymours were ancient, and in their 
day men of substance and renown. And Indians are not the 



158 FIRST YEAR 

only ones that love to linger among the graves of their fathers : 
not the only w^anderers that see in vision the sw^elling mounds over 
their dead, and see, with melting hearts and dimming eyes ! 
Mournful world! before we left the woods, graves of ours had 
consecrated two lonely spots in the wilds, and our dust was com- 
mingling with the dust of the red m.en : so that lonely now amid 
the graves in the east, we here sigh and weep for the graves in 
those western solitudes ! 

As for myself, this winter, I made the closet for Carlton's 
study, and the one in Bishop Hilsbury's cabin ; also two skuttles 
for the loom, one too light however, the other, too heavy : and 
I aided in putting in and taking out "a piece," becoming thus 
adept in the mysteries of woof and warp, of hanks, reels and cuts. 
I mended likewise, water sleds, hunted turkeys, missed killing two 
deer for want of a rifle, played the flute, practised the fiddle, and 
ever so many other things and what-nots. But my grand em- 
ployment was a review of all my college studies ; and hence, I 
was the very first man since the creation of the world that read 
Greek in the New Purchase ! And it was I that first made the apos- 
tles talk out there in their own language! that first made the 
primal woods resonant with 

"Tyture tu patulse recubans sub tegmine f agi !" 
or thunder with Demosthenes! that first addressed the revereful 
trees in the majestic words of Plato — words that Jupiter himself 
would have used for the same purpose aye, that first taught those 
listening trees the names of the Hebrew and Chaldaic alphabets, 
or made them roar like the sea with the popupholosboio thalasses ! 
And, hence from the renown of all this, I was finally made a 
trustee of the State College at Woodville ; which appointment af- 
terwards brought me in contact with some adventures, to be 
narrated in their proper place. The appointment, however, was 
not given till Mr. J. Glenville took his seat in our legislature in 
182— .1 

^ Hall was never a Trustee of the State College. John M. Young 
(Genville) served in the Indiana legislature in 1828-29. The legislative 
session under the constitution of 1816 began on the first Monday in De- 
cember. The election vi^as held on the first Monday in August. The 
reader should remember that Hall represents several characters in the 
volume, probably for the sake of disguise. This renders certain passages 
confusing and apparently inconsistent with the facts. Hall's trusteeship 



FIRST YEAR 159 

Our evenings were devoted to cracking nuts and jokes, visiting 
Uncle Tommy, and Bishop H., to planning, to hearing adventures 
or reading aloud ; but, as it was not possible to have a centre- 
table, the grand family lamp was suspended in the centre of the 
parlour; and then around this we either sat as an Iceland family, 
or raising the carpet-barriers, we lolled on the nearest beds in 
couch and sofa, and ottoman style. 

The lamp in its primitive times was a patty-pan ; but having 
spent its youth in different sorts of hot ovens, its tin had entirely 
shone out, and nothing remained save the oxydated iron ; yet, to 
this it owed its present elevated station in Glenville — humility be- 
fore exaltation! In the edges were three holes punched with a 
tenpenny nail, and into these were put and fastened three several 
wires, which united eighteen inches above the patty-pan, were 
joined by a strong twine, tied to a hook in a pole: and then the 
whole affair, when released from the hand, could, and did swing 
with a very regular irregularity over the middle parlour. The 
illuminator filled with lard or bear's oil,- and supplied with a 
piece of cloth for wick, was touched with flame from a burning 
brand ; and then away it blazed in glory, filling all things, even 
eyes and noses, with light and soot! But we soon got used to 
suffocation ; and many were our pleasant nights around the 
pendulum lamp, spite of inconveniences within, and the cries of 
prowling beasts without, or the demon-like shrieks and howls of 
wintry tempests ! Calm consciences in rude and lone huts bid 
defiance to most evils and dangers ! Besides, who has not known 
the delight of lying in bed and under an unceiled roof, and of 
being lulled to slumber by the music of a pattering rain! So 
our delight arose often from a sense of entire security: and yet 
the dangers and evils of the dark and howling wilderness so 
near ! — separated by a slight barrier ! 

During the day, this winter, I took lessons in axecraf t ; for, 
in addition to the "niggering-off," ^ it became necessary as the 
cold increased, to chop off logs, especially as our fire-place de- 
voured wood at the rate of half-a-cord per diem. Niggering 

consisted in his being appointed by the Trustees as the first teacher 
in "the State College at Woodville." 

2 We of Glenville burned lard many years prior to the late discoveries 
in swine light. 

3 To be described hereafter. 



i6o FIRST YEAR 

belongs mainly to very large timber, and pertains rather to the 
science of log-rolling than of preparing fuel ; but chopping is 
essential to nearly every branch of a woodsman's life, and must 
be learned by all who aspire to respectability and independence. 

Awkward indeed, were my first essays, and my strength in- 
artificially bestowed on every blow, was soon exhausted ; but when 
we had "larned the sling o' the axe," then could we as easily 
execute a cord a day, as at first the fourth of the measure. Nay, 
we could at last mount a prostrate beech and take the butt end 
two feet in diameter: and then, with feet apart, the exact width 
of the intended chip, could we cut away, within one inch of the 
cowhide boots, and that neatly and regularly all the way to the 
centre : and then, turning round, accomplish the same on the other 
side, till cuttings matched and almost met, when we would make 
the final and flourishing cut, and then in a moment lay two logs 
out of one ! 

But oh! the way Tom Robinson could flourish the axe! And 
proud am I to call Tom my master ; indeed, all Glenville were 
indebted to his lessons. Tom was a fellow of gigantic propor- 
tions, longer than six feet three inches, and with enormous width 
of breast, — about "the girth" like a columnar beech. He had 
also legs and arms to match. His face was as mild as a full 
moon's, and nearly as big, and in temper he was as good-natured 
and harmless as a chubby baby ! Tom rarely bragged ; although 
he could shoot well, drive wagon well, ride horses wild and tame, 
and walk as fast and nearly as far as an elephant: still he would 
boast a little about his chopping, being indeed as an axeman, the 
envy and admiration of all that part of the Purchase. Oh! I 
do wish we could paint Tom's smile of benevolent scorn as he 
took the axe from my awkward hands, to "larn me the sling!" 
when he saw me puffing at every ineffectual blow, striking every 
time in a new place, till a little weak amorphous chip was at long 
last haggled out with hashed edges — it was really sublime. 

"Jeest * do it so like Mr. Carlton — a sort of hold your left hand 
here, allowin you're goin to strike right hand licks ; and your 
tother hand so fashion, a toward the helf — but a sort a loose: 

* Jist becomes jccst, and little, Icctlc out there, when tenderness and 
affection or diminution, &c., is to be designated. 



FIRST YEAR i6i 

then swing the axe out so, lettin the loose hand run up agin 
tother this away" — and here Tom's axe finished the sentence or 
speech by gleaming down and burying itself nearly to its back in 
the log: but next instant it was again quivering in the air, and 
changing its direction was gleaming and burying itself as at first, 
till out leaped elastic chips light as a feather, although these chips 
were twelve inches long, and two thick ! And then the log would 
show two inclined planes as if wrought with a chisel ! — and all 
the time Tom talking and laughing away, like a fellow whittling 
poplar with a dirk-knife. Oh ! it was really delicious to see such 
cutting; and it was surprising anybody should call wood-chopping 
hard work — it was nothing but cutting butter with a hot knife. 

Reader, Tom had actually done in axery, what Horace pro- 
nounces in writing, the perfection of the art, viz. ravishing and yet 
beguiling the reader into an opinion that he can write as well. 
Tom therefore was a master. Aye, the axe in his hand, was like 
the bow in Paganini's — and in the Purchase vastly more service- 
able. In short, Tom could cut wood like lightning; and whilst 
some things can be done before a fluent tongue (female of course) 
can say Jack Robison, we defy any body to do the same things 
before Tom Robison could chop a stick off! 

We shall now describe our firemaking, not indeed to be imitated 
in here to the utter ruin of all moderate fortunes, but to show the 
grand scale on which we do even small matters out there. To 
build a New Purchase fire, a cabin must first be builded or built 
for the fire, with a fireplace, constituting nearly one whole end of 
the cabin ; then we must have wood, not by the cord, but by the 
acre ; and thirdly, we must have active, robust, honest-hearted fel- 
lows to cut and carry in, unless one niggers-off, as some do, and 
drags logs into the cabin by horse-power. 

The foundation of our fire was laid every day very early and 
required all hands. We men — hem! we men rose before sun-up; 
and then uncle John hauled out the relics of yesterday's fire — coals 
plenty and lively — the unconsumed centre of the back-log and 
chunks of foresticks ; while Glenville and Carlton issued forth to 
select a new back-log. This was usually of beech, the greener the 
better, and about seven feet long and two in diameter. It was 
rolled to the door with handspikes, where, with the aid of uncle 



i62 FIRST YEAR 

John, it was next rolled, lifted, pushed and coaxed into the centre 
of the parlour: and here we rested and blowed, uttering between 
the puffs — "plaguey heavy!" "a'most too long " and the like. But 
directly, with a few united efforts the back-log was rolling and 
crushing over the coals and soon lodged with a thundering noise 
in its bed of hot ashes, and against the stone back of the inner 
chimney ; we, during this process, alternately lifting our scorched 
shins, and then at the noise of the thunder, nimbly leaping back 
and rubbing them ; till we could nearly have ventured at last to 
try the ordeal of the burning plowshares. The log was now cov- 
ered with ashes to prevent too rapid a consumption ; and then two 
delicate andirons in the shape of pig iron, were pushed by a stick 
into proper position, being always, any time in the winter, too hot 
to be touched with the hand or even kicked with the foot. In 
case a cabin has opposite doors, much labour and many sprains 
may be saved and avoided, by tackling a horse to an end of the 
back-log and hauling it into the cabin; it is, however, rather a 
slovenly practice, and used mostly by women in the absence of 
the men. 

Next in order were the second-story back-log, and the fore 
stick — equal in length, but different in diameter and material : the 
former being of beech and one foot thick, the latter of sugar tree 
and about eight inches thick. Each is often carried by two per- 
sons; but still oftener each is hipped. And hipping is done by 
one man who has some strength and more dexterity ; who adroitly 
whips up the log on his hip, and trots oflf with it like the youngest 
quill-driver of a shop will do with Miss Troublesome's small 
bundle of silk under his arm. These timbers are also freqnently 
shouldered — but I regret to say that a certain friend of ours 
when his turn came, used to roll his stick as far as the door, and 
then hitch it. Hitching is performed by getting the article on an 
end (no odds which) and then working it along by alternate cor- 
ners : an operation that impressed on our puncheons numerous 
indented mementos of our friend's lazy ingenuity. The plane 
beauty of poplar or pine floors it would have marred forever ! The 
puncheons, however, thought little of the matter, although they 
wriggled and "screeched" like — like — let's see. Oh! like all the 
world ! 



FIRST YEAR 163 

Meanwhile uncle John carried in brush enough to make a Jersey 
load of oven faggots ; and the girl, baskets full of all sized chips, 
from the Tommyrobison kind down to the Carlton sort; and so 
when the upper back-log and fore-stick had been arranged, there 
were present all the kindling and burning materials. An infant 
sapling, some three inches thick, lay between the back log proper 
and the fore-stick, forming thus a chasm for a bushel of burning 
coals ; while other coals remained under and above the pile ; and 
then across the upper coals were placed bits of small trees inter- 
mingled with hot chunks and cold chips, the whole being capped 
and climactirized with a brush heap. 

Now issued, first, volumes of smoke, then a spiteful snap or 
two, becoming soon, however, a loud and decided crackling; and 
then appeared several fierce curly blazes, white, red, and blue, 
verifying the vulgar saying about smoke and fire ; till the tempera- 
ture of things getting to the scientific point — out burst simultane- 
ously from all parts of the structure a wide, pure, living roaring 
flame chasing soot-clouds up the stick-chimney, dispersing fire- 
builders as far as the carpet barrier, and lighting the interior cabin 
with the blaze of a volcano! 

Combustion — (hem!) was supported during the day on the 
most philosophic principles ; by supplying fuel; not a small bladder 
of gas ; not even an old fashioned Philadelphia iron fore stick and 
stone black log; but real backwood's fuel, chips, brush, bits of 
saplings and miniature timber. The fire was constructed regu- 
larly once only in twenty- four hours ; although some back logs will 
last nearly twice that period. 

Each firemaker had a tong of green timber an inch thick and 
six feet long ; hence two persons lifting or poking in concert were 
equivalent to a pair of tongs. Usually we operated with only 
one tong; but by dexterity all can be accomplished with that one, 
that in here is commonly done with "tongses" and shovel to boot. 
True, our practice was incessant ; since no man, woman, nor child 
in the Purchase ever stood, siat, or lay near a fire without poking 
at it ! Hence my determined and ineradicable hostility to a fire 
of coal, bituminous or anthracite — the thing won't be poked ! And 
what's a fire for, if it aint to be poked? Our young woman now, 
in here, keeps every thing in the shape of poker, and scraper, and 



104 



FIRST YEAR 



tong, single or double, out of my way; and, when the grate or 
stove needs a little tussling, in comes she with some iron article 
or other: but always on going out takes the article with her — 
"for fear Mr. Carlton will spile her fire ! !" 

Bah! — don't lecture me about furnaces and flues, and patent 
grates and ranges, and no-burns and all-saves, of this pitiful age ! 
Give me my all-burn and no-save fire of beech and sugar and chip 
and brush — hand back my tong — let me poke once more ! Oh ! let 
me hear and see once more before I die a glorious flame roaring 
up a stick-chimney ! There let me, on this celebrated cold Thurs- 
day, thermometer two and a half inches below zero, there let me 
stand by my cabin fire and be heated once more through and 
through ! Oh ! the luxury of lying in bed and looking from behind 
our Scotch wall on that fire! 

Oh ! ye poor frozen, starving wretches of our blind and horrible 
alleys, and dark and loathsome cellars ; ye, I now see buying two- 
penneth of huckstered sticks to heat your water gruel for one 
more mouthful before ye die ; ye, that are shivering in rags, beg- 
ging of that red-faced carter in the pea jacket a small, knotty, 
four- foot-stick of sour, sappy scrub oak just fallen from his cart, 
to hear it sob, sob, on the foodless hearth of your dungeon like 
holes — away! for heaven's sake, if you starve not before, away 
next summer to the woods ! 

Go; squat on Congress land! Go; find corn and pork and 
turkeys and squirrels and opossums and deer to eat ! Go ; and in 
the cold, cold, cruel winter like to day, you shall sit and lie and 
warm you by such a fire! — Go; squalid slaves! beg an axe — put 
out — ^make tracks for the tall timber — Go ; taste what it is to be 
free! Away! — run! — leap! — and shout — "Hurraw — aw! the 
ranges for — ever ! !" 



CHAPTER XXI. 

"Thy hounds shall make the welkin answer them, 
And fetch shrill echoes from the hollow earth." 

We had this year a very merry Christmas. For first and fore- 
most we devoted the holidays to — hog killing and all its accom- 
paniments, lard rendering, spare-rib cooking, sausage making, 
and the like. And secondly, our cow Sukey performed a very 
wonderful thing in the eating and drinking line : — she devoured 
a whole sugar trough full of mast- fed rendered lard ! The blame, 
at first, attached to Dick ; but he could clearly prove an alibi, and 
besides Sukey had very greasy chops, and got horrid sick, as 
much so as she had swallowed a box of Ouackenborg's pills : and 
when she did again let us have milk it was actually oily ! And 
then, thirdly, there was aunt Kitty's mishap about the sausages. 

Aunt Kitty was intended by nature for a dear delightful old 
maid ; and she greatly mistook her vocation by marrying, although 
nothing but her being a great favourite with the beaux of the last 
century hindered the fulfilment of her destiny. She was the most 
amiable and kind-hearted woman — but a leetle too modest ; so that, 
in her circumlocutions and paraphrases to get round the tough 
places of plain English, she often made us uneasy lest she stump, 
or, perhaps light on some unlucky word or phrase worse than the 
one she shyed at. She denominated the chanticleer — chickbidde 
— or, he-bidde — or, old-rooster; and the braying gentleman she 
styled — donkey; although she would venture as far as— Jack. 
Ancle, with her, was any part from the knee downward, and 
limbs were of course, her what-y callums. She milked the cow's 
dugs, and greased, not her bag, but her — udder. From all which 
it maybe conjectured what ingenious contrivances in strange cab- 
ins were necessary before Aunt Kitty could get into bed or out 
of it : indeed, setting all backwood scorn and ridicule at defiance, 
she would take the very coverlet and fork it up for a curtain ! 

Well, Aunt Kitty called things prepared for the reception of 
sausages, skins; and so this Christmas having prepared the skins 
by the scraping process, she laid them away in salt and water 
till the stuffing was to take place; but when the hour for that 

165 



i66 FIRST YEAR 

curious metamorphose of putting swine into their own skins 
came, behold ! the skins could not be found — 

"What ! had Dick devoured them?" 

Oh ! no, — the girl had accidentally thrown them all away. And 
this, indeed, was too bad; and no housekeeper can blame Aunt 
Kitty for being greatly provoked : but alas ! for delicacies, anger 
permitted no choice of words: — (and by that it may be seen how 
angry Aunt Kitty was;) for on learning the cause and manner 
of the irreparable loss she exclaimed : — 

"Why, you careless — you! Have you really gone and thrown 
out all my g — ts! that I was keeping for skins!!" 

Fourthly, we had a deer hunt, not only somewhat remarkable 
in itself, but memorable for the change it caused in the relations 
of Brutus and Caesar — the dogs of Glenville. Of these, Brutus 
was the elder, and hence, though smaller and weaker, he managed 
to govern Caesar : proof that among brutes opinion has much to do 
with mastership and reverence. An intimate acquaintance with 
old Dick and the two canine gentlemen has unsettled my early 
theories about instinct and reason: and as to the first-named 
worthy, the theory that the power of laughing is distinctive of 
human beings must be received with limitation; for Dick, if he 
never indulged in a rude boisterous horse-laugh, could and did 
most decidedly and repeatedly grin — and that is all some very 
sober and sensible persons ever attain to. 

As to the others, Brutus had possession of the premises before 
Caesar was even a whelp ; and though only Caesar's foster-sire, he 
had trained him in his puppyhood in all the arts of doggery ; show- 
ing him how to worry infant pigs, then saucy shoats, and finally 
true hogs, and without regard of size or sex. He taught him how 
to chase poultry, and suck eggs ; how to hang at a cow's tail and 
yet avoid both horn and heel ; how to hunt squirrels, opossums and 
racoons ; and how even to shake a venomous snake to death and 
not be bit. And to his indefatigable care and example was owing 
the loss of our original bacon-skin hinges, and the ruin of sundry 
raw hides. 

But when the cold meat, or potatoes, or buttermilk, &c., was set 
out in the dogs' sugar-trough, how instructive the dignity of 
Brutus as he walked up solus, and with no ravenous and indelicate 



FIRST YEAR 167 

haste to eat his fill ! And how reveref ul the mammoth and lub- 
berly Caesar, standing at a distance till his step-father had finished 
and retired! Caesar, when very hungry or smelling something 
extra, would indeed crawl up with an imploring eye and piteous 
whine : but then the awful look and cautionary growl he received 
from the wiser dog sent him away in a moment with a trailed tail 
and even to a greater distance than ever! And yet Caesar was 
equal in strength and size to one Brutus and a half! Carlyle's 
theory of opinion, must be extended to dogs: and our deer hunt 
will confirm it. 

One day during Christmas week Uncle John went a hunting. 
About two o'clock, however, he returned, having wounded a deer 
a mile beyond our clearing, and wishing after dinner — (now on 
the table) — to take the two dogs to put on its trail; when we 
should soon find the deer and in all probability dead. Accord- 
ingly, on reaching the spot, and blood being here and there visible, 
the dogs were placed on the trail, and we soon came in sight of 
the poor deer. It was not dead, as had been conjectured, but was 
lying down sorely wounded, on a little island in the creek, hoping 
there, after baffling pursuit by the intervening water, to sob away 
its life unseen and undisturbed by its relentless enemies! Poor 
creature ! mere accident led us to look towards its retreat ; where, 
alarmed, it had incautiously moved, and no moving thing ever is 
unseen by the wary and stationary hunter — and then, at our 
shouts, up sprang the terrified animal, wounded, but bounding 
away as though unharmed! And away in pursuit leaped the 
yelping dogs; but in the excitement Caesar, forgetful of all rever- 
ence, in the lead. 

Following the uproar, I ran up on this side the creek about two 
hundred yards ; and then the deer was seen recrossing the water a 
few rods higher, Caesar close on the flank, the most noble Brutus 
panting far enough in the rear ! 

The poor hunted victim, blind and expiring, staggered in its 
last agony towards my station ; and then, as Caesar leaped to seize 
its throat, it fell stone dead at my feet; for the rifle ball had 
passed nearly through its body, and the chase had happily but 
accelerated death. The two brothers, for Uncle Tommy had 
joined us, now came up; and then, the feet of the dead deer tied 



i68 FIRST YEAR 

in pairs, and a sappling, cut and prepared with a tomahawk, in- 
serted longitudinally under the thongs, we shouldered our prey 
and marched homeward triumphant : — i. e. we three rationals and 
the now opinionated and consequential Caesar, who (or which?) 
strutted near, every few paces leaping up and smelling at the 
carcass. But Brutus, the hitherto lord of the woods and clearing, 
alas! dejected, lagged away behind, both crest fallen and tail fal- 
len ! yes, both, for he hung his head and kept his tail dangling 
without one triumphant flourish ! He evidently felt his impor- 
tance lessened, his dignity diminished by such a palpable and 
utter natural — not to say moral — inability to be in at the death. 
Yes, opinion was changed ! And he saw plain enough that Caesar 
entertained notions of dog authority now very inconsistent with 
peaceable subjection — ay! as different as when slaves first wake 
to the full perception of their powers and rights and opportunities ; 
their masters having injudiciously allowed them to discover them- 
selves to be really men and to have souls ! Yes, yes, opinion had 
changed ; and these dogs read it in one another's eyes, — for that 
very day the instant the entrails of the slain-deer were thrown out 
as the dogs' reward, up rushed the unceremonious Caesar; and 
when Brutus tried the experiment of the old cautionary growl, 
Caesar instead of modestly retiring as usual, leaped ferociously 
upon his venerated step-father, and so bit and gored and pitched 
and rolled and tossed him, that away, away ran the elder dog at 
the first fair interval howling with rage, vexation and pain ! And 
ever after that memorable deer hunt Caesar continued to eat at the 
first trough and Brutus at the second. 

Part of the venison fell to Uncle Tommy's share, which I aided 
him to take home ; and, in return, he insisted on my spending the 
evening at his cabin — and then the reader may be sure we had 
many a long story on hunting ; but he would rather have described 
the squatteree itself than hear all our stories and adventures. The 
squatteree was a cabin just fourteen feet by ten, and most ac- 
curately built of small round saplings, very much alike in dia- 
meter and looks, and nicely dressed at the corners. It was, in- 
deed, a darling little miniature cabin, and would have done to a 
tittle for rabblerousing in the late presidential campaign.^ Old 

^ The notable "log cabin and hard cider" campaign of 1840, so re- 
markable for its "hullabaloo and claptrap." 



FIRST YEAR 169 

Dick could easily have drawn it, and Uncle Tommy, whose heart 
was the old General's would have driven! 

A large space inside was occupied by a bed-apparatus con- 
structed as follows : — uprights, at their lower ends, were nailed to 
elects on the floor, and on the uprights were pegged a side and 
foot piece; — the logs of the cabin making unnecessary a second 
rail and head piece. Next was a sacking of clapboards pinned 
down ; and then a very thick straw bed, and over that a sumptuous 
feather bed; the whole very comfortable for the good old folks, 
especially as Uncle Tommy used to say of themselves, that they 
were "old and tough." 

Opposite the bed stood the bureau; the door opening into the 
cabin between the two, and a narrow aisle or passage being left 
to the cooking and eating end of the nest. Adjoining the bureau 
was the puncheon table with its white oak legs; and whidi 
served for eating, sewing, reading, and indeed, all domestic uses ; 
whilst opposite the table, and at the foot of the bed, were shelves 
for crockery and every article of squatter house-keeping. Over 
the fire-place was an extraordinarily wide mantel, sustaining can- 
ister, and bowl upon bowl, and bags, some of linen and some of 
paper; and having above itself two racks, one supporting an 
enormously long duck gun, and the other, "Old Bet" — a black, 
surly looking rifle, with the appurtenances of horns, pouches, 
loaders, tomahowks and knives pendant from the hooks. There 
hung, also, several pairs of moccasins, and two sets of leggings; 
an old pair of green baize, and a new pair of blue cloth. 

Over the table and bureau were shelves, but mainly for the 
library. The books were principally books of divinity and church 
history, and also of prayer and devotion; but yet were on the 
shelves Don Quixotte, Robinson Crusoe, Paradise Lost, Border 
Tales, Cooper's Works, Thomson's Seasons, and Young's Night 
Thoughts. The bureau top was consecrated to Bibles and Hymn 
Books; and here was piled the famous Scott's Commentary, in 
five volumes quarto, and so often read, from "kiver to kiver!" 
Indeed, from their appearance, one would almost have judged 
them to have been read clean through "the kivers !" 

The neatness, the quiet, the cleanliness, the comfort, the wild 
independence of this nest of a cabin; — the hunt of the day; — 



170 FIRST YEAR 

the stories ; — all, all were so like the dreams of my boyhood ! 
How happy Uncle Tommy, now more than seventy years old ! 
and Aunt Nancy, now more than sixty ! Happy in themselves, in 
one another, in their home, and in their scriptural hopes of the 

future life! 

****** 

But the arangement for getting water, when the old lady should 
be alone, and in wet weather, without leaving the cabin! — that 
was the nicety. The nest was a few yards below a beautiful 
fountain, and over its running stream; then in the floor a light 
puncheon was fixed as a trap, so that with a calabash at the end 
of a proper pole Aunt Nancy could dip as from an artificial re- 
servoir ! — and all without a water tax ! 

Our supper to-night was of cofifee, corn bread, butter, eggs, 
short-cakes, and venison steaks ! Yes, venison steaks ! — Away 
with your Astor House, and Merchants' Hotel, and Dandies' Tav- 
erns ; if you do want to know how venison steaks do taste — go to 
Aunt Nancy! We feel tempted to give Uncle Tommy's "murakalus" 
escape in fire-hunting! how he levelled his rifle at a "beasts's 
eyes," and found in time it was light streaming through a negro 
hut, where, on Christmas eve, the merry rascals were dancing 
away to a cornstalk fiddle and a calabash banjo. But we must 
hasten to our 

Fifth and last amusement during the holidays. Usually on 
the Sabbath we attended our own meeting in the Welden 
Settlement; but bad roads and some other accidents often 
kept us at home; when our three families assembled at Uncle 
John's, where he read the Scriptures, and made or read a prayer 
with occasional help from Uncle Tommy, while Glenville and 
Carlton conducted the choir and read sermons and tracts. 

Sometimes, however, we attended meeting at Mr. Sturgis', 
out of compliment to our neighbour and Uncle Tommy; never, 
indeed, for fun, although we usually were more amused than 
profited ; and always came back more and more convinced that a 
learned, talented and pious ministry was, after all, not quite so 
great a curse as many deem it. But of this the reader may, after 
reading the ecclesiastical parts and chapters of this History, 
judge for himself. And here we beg leave to affirm that our 



FIRST YEAR 171 

accounts of certain sacred matters is reduced and very much 
below the truth ; for while truthfulness is important in some 
writings, if on these matters ours were truth-/u//, we should 
hardly be credited. We dare not do our pictures up to life : and 
hence, while they are by no means truthless, they are yet less than 
the truth. 

Neighbour Sturgis, it will be remembered, lived opposite the 
tannery, and on the top of a bluff rising from our creek. Com- 
pared with most cabins his was good and spacious ; and to ac- 
commodate some pet swine and a flock of tame geese, openings 
under his house were left, whither the favourites could retire for 
sleep, or as a retreat from unusual sun, rain, or wind. Here, 
whilst swine and geese were content with their several limits, 
gruntings and cacklings were modest and expressive of enjoy- 
ment: although joy itself would often squeal and scream too 
boisterously for some congregations. But if wantonness induced 
either piggy or goosy to pass the border; or if the dogs playfully 
ran in nosing up the pigs, slapping a tail against a strutty gander 
or a silly goose, then would the commingled din of bark, howl, 
grunt, squawk, squeal and cackle, furnish a better answer than 
the jest book itself to the question, "What makes more noise than 
a she-swine caught in a gate?" — Answer, "Old man Sturgis' pet- 
pen in a riot." 

Now, in the room exactly over the pet-pen, "meetins was held !" 
The seats were long benches with very ricketty limbs, expanded 
two a piece at each end, and double planks resting on rude 
chunks — all wishing to obey at once the great law of gravity, but 
prevented by their own inequalities, and those of the floor. Hence 
during "sarvice," as folks were constantly shifting centres of 
motion and gravity, no despicable noise of chunks and bench-legs 
was maintained, in addition to all other noises rational and 
instinctive. 

The pulpit was neither marble nor mahogany, being a tough 
chair with two upright back pieces like plough handles, and cross 
bars to suit : and its seat was (or were) laced hickory withes, and 
wonderfully smooth and glistening from the attrition of linsey 
garments, tow inexpressibles, and oily buckskin unmentionables. 
And not in, but behind this pulpit stood the preacher, placing his 



172 FIRST YEAR 

hymn book on its polished seat, and holding on to the two handles 
to squeeze by, in his energy or embarrassments. Hence he never 
thumped his pulpit in the manner of the Rev. Doctor Slapfist ; but 
when necessary he raised the pulpit itself, and with it thumped the 
floor — making of course just four times the impression with its 
four legs that the Doctor does with his single hand. 

The Rev. Diptin Menniwaters usually preached here ; but on 
New-Year's Sabbath all Glenville went by invitation to hear a 
new preacher: although in the Purchase, w'here preachers of a 
sort are plenty as acorns or beach nuts, a new one frequently held 
forth, and held on too, greatly to the wonder of the hearers, and 
the disturbance of the pet-pen, at our neighbour's of the bluff. 
The new preacher to-day, doubtless apprised of the strangers' 
coming, in order to create confidence, and ward off any false 
shame and unworthy fear of man, struck off, after prayer and 
singing, with an open avowal of enmity to all learning and 
learned preachers, thus: — 

"Brethurn and sisturn, it's a powerful great work, this here 
preaching of the gospel, as the great apostul hisself allows in them 
words of hissin what's jist come into my mind; for I never 
know'd what to preach about till I riz up — them words of hissin, 
'who is sufficient for all these here things,' as near about as I 
recollect them. 

"Thare's some folks — (glancing towards us) — howsomever, 
what thinks preachers must be high larn'd, afore they kin tell 
sinners as how they must be saved or be 'tarnally lost; but it 
ain't so I allow — (chair thumped here and answered by a squawk 
below) — no, no! this apostul of ourn what spoke the text, never 
rubbed his back agin a collige, nor toted about no sheepskins — no, 
never! — (thump! thump! squawk and two grunts.) No, no, dear 
brethurn and sisturn — (squeak) — larnin's not sufficient for them 
things; as the apostul says, 'who is sufficient for them.' Oh 
worldlins! how you'd a perished in your sins if the fust preachers 
had a stay'd till they got sheepskins. No! no! no! I say, gim me 
the sperit. (Squeals and extra gruntings in the swine's territory, 
and more animated squawks and cackles, as the preacher waxed 
warmer.) No! I don't pretend to no larnin whatsomever, but de- 
pends on the sperit like Poll; (squee-e-el ;) and what's to hinder 



FIRST YEAR 173 

me a sayin, oh ! undun worldlins ! that you must be saved or 
'tarnally lost — yes, lost for ever an dever! — (things below evi- 
dently getting on to their legs and flapping.) No ! no ! no ! oh ! poor 
lost worldlins, I can say as well as the best on them sheepskins, if 
you don't git relijin and be saved, you'll be lost, teetolly and 
'tarnally forever an deverah! I know's I'm nuthen but poor 
Philip, and that I only has to go by the sperit-ah ! but as long as 
I live, I kin holler out; (voice to the word) — and cry aloud and 
spare not, (squ-aw-awk.) O! no, brethurn and sisturn-ah ! and 
all evin high larn'd folks that's in the gaul, and maybe won't thank 
me for it no how-ah ! O ! ho ! o-ah ! I poor Philip-ah, what's 
moved to cry out and spare not-ah ! — (sque-e-el;) what was takin 
from tendin critturs like David-ah, and ain't no prophet, nor no 
son of a prophet-ah. O ! ho-o-ah, how happy I am to raise my 
poor feeble-ah, rying-ah, voice-ah, and spendin my last breath, in 
this here blessed work ; a warnin, and crying aloud ; o-oh !-o-ah ! 
repent, repent, poor worldlins and be saved, or you'll all be lost, 
and perish for-ever-an-dever-ah." 

Here the storm above was getting to its height, although poor 
Philip kept on ten minutes more, waxing louder and hoarser, with 
endless repetitions and strong aspirations in a hundred places 
occasioned by his catching breath, and which we have several 
times marked with an -ah! - 

He also began spanking one thigh with a hand, and ever and 
anon battering the floor with his pulpit, until he was compelled 
at last to place one hand under his jaw, and partly up his cheek 
to support his "jawing tackle." And, in the meanwhile, the fra- 
ternity below, after much irregular outcrying, had at length joined 
all their instruments and voices, and to so good a purpose as at 
times nearly to overwhelm the preacher. Two dogs also, half 
wolf and half cur, now presented themselves at the door, and with 
elevated brows and cocked ears, stood wistfully looking at the 
parson, to know what he wished them to attack or hunt : but on 
finding he was not halloing for them, and being now too excited 

2 The more frequent this sj-llable or such aspiration occurs in a torrent 
of boisterous words, the more is the preaching supposed to be from the 
heart, and, therefore, inspired : for nobody, it is supposed, would make 
such a fool of himself if he could help it. 



174 "FIRST YEAR 

to be still, away they sprang towards the forest yelping and 
howling and determined to hunt for themselves. And shortly 
after the first hurricane ending, Poor Philip hitting a favorite 
vein, went on with a train of reasoning (designing to show that 
native wit was as good as college logic) about cause and effect: 
but while he was again cheered from below in the manner of an 
English audience clapping an abolitionist, we shall not, by re- 
cording the applause, interrupt the narrative. 

"No — no: nobody can make nuthin. Thare's only one what 
makes, and he made these here woods ; he made these here trees ; 
and them bushes ; he made wonders sun — and yonders moon — and 
all them 'are stars what shines at night in the firmanint above 
our heads like fires ; — and — and — ^he — made — yes — he made them 
powerful big rivers a runnin down thare to Orleans — and the 
sea, and all the fishes, and the one what a sorter swallowed the 
prophit what was chuck'd out and swallered — and — and — ^yes — 
and all them 'are deer, and them 'are barr, and them hossis what's 
tied out thare. (Had Dick been there he would now unquestion- 
ably have slipped his bridle.) And so you understand, worldlins, 
how no man could a ever made anything. And haven't we proof 
from nater that they are made, and didn't come as high larn'd 
folks' sez, and grow of theirselves out of forty atims by chance. 
"No — no, worldlins, you couldn't, the most high larn'd ither, 
couldn't make any of them thare things — you couldn't make woods 
— you couldn't make trees — you couldn't make fishes — no, you 
couldn't make airth — you couldn't make air — you couldn't make 
fire — you couldn't make — hem! — no you couldn't — make water." 
(Sorry are we to record, but Mr. Carlton here was guilty of 
sniggering; and even Uncle John, in spite of his official dignity, 
did look as if 'he would laugh when meeting was out. Poor 
Philip, however, quickly emerged and went on.) "No — not one 
of you could make a spring branch nor the like." 

Ah ! poor Philip had you only had a little of the learning you 
despised! Had you, at least, only seen Miss Carbon's Chemistry 
for Boarding Schools of Young Ladies! But did not Philip 
make us sweat for our sins, for he went on: 

"Yes! yes! some folks laff in meetin, but wait till they gits to 
h — 1, and maybe they'll laff tother side of their mouth. The fire 



FIRST YEAR 175 

down thare's hot, I allow, and will scorch off folk's ruffles and 
melt their goold buttins, and the devel and his angils pelt them 
with red hot balls of brimrock and fire!" 

But the two dogs had just now returned from an unsuccessful 
hunt, and forthwith they plunged headlong into the pit below ; 
and then, the barking and yelping of the dogs ; the scampering 
and squealing of the pigs ; the flapping of screaming geese's wings, 
and the squawking of insulted ganders, together with the hoarse 
and continued roaring of the preacher, produced a tempest rarely 
equalled in the best organized fanatical assemblies here, and 
never surely excelled. And the instant meeting was over, we 
of Glenville hurried away glad to escape from the noise of bedlam 
and the almost papistical curses of poor Philip. 



CHAPTER XXII. 
Second Year. 

"Go to them, with this bonnet in thy hand — 

Or, say to them 
Thou art their soldier, and being bred in broils, 
Hast not the soft way, which thou dost confess 
Were fit for thee to use, as they to claim, 
In asking their good loves ; but thou wilt frame 
Thyself, forsooth, hereafter theirs, so far 
As thou hast power, and person." 

Our second summer opened with the electioneering campaign 
of Mr. Glenville, the people's candidate for a seat in the next 
legislature.^ His opponent, in all intellectual respects, was un- 
qualified for the seat, being destitute of important knowledges, 
void of tact and skill, and having indeed — for he had been our 
representative before — only exposed himself and us to perpetual 
ridicule. He could read and write, and perhaps cipher a little, 
and therefore, was all along considered a smart fellow, till it was 
discovered we had one in the district, "a powerful heap smarter" 

1 John M. Young was elected to the legislature from the counties of 
Owen and Green in August 1828. I find no record of his having been a 
member of an earlier legislature. This could not have been Hall's 
"second summer" in Indiana; it was more nearly his fifth or sixth. 



176 SECOND YEAR 

— John Glenville, Esq., of Glenville. For John read without 
spelHng the hard words, wrote Hke engraving, and could "kalkilate 
in his head faster nor Jerry Simpson with chalk or coal, although 
Jerry had been a schoolmaster." And our neighbor Ashford 
offered to stake five barrels of com, that — "Jo^'nny was jist the 
powerfullest smartest feller in the hole universal county, and 
could out sifer Jerry or other men all to smash." 

Glenville's ability, however, would have prejudiced our cause, 
had any doubt existed as to his moral integrity; for, a bad man 
out there was very properly dreaded in proportion to his clever- 
ness,^ and therefore, power to harm. Indeed, we always pre- 
ferred an ignorant bad man to a talented one ; and hence attempts 
were usually made to ruin the moral character of a smart can- 
didate ; since unhappily smartness and wickedness were supposed 
to be generally coupled, and incompetence and goodness. 

Our opponents, therefore, neither insisted that Jerry was 
smarter than John, nor attacked John's character: but they con- 
tended that "J^rry could do no harm if he did no good, but that 
John could if he would, and would if he took a bad turn; also, 
that Jerry had been tried once and did no harm, but that John 
had never been tried and so no one could exactly tell what he 
would be till he was tried." 

To this was answered, that "Jerry could do no good if he 
would, and had often voted so as to keep others from doing us 
any good, and so had prevented good if he had done no evil ; that 
John if able to do harm, was also able to do good and so he had 
never done harm in private life, it was reasonable to believe he 
would do none in public life; and that as Jerry had a trial and 
did no good, so John ought to have one too, and if he did harm, 
we could send Jerry the year after." 

John was then attacked on the score of pride and aristocracy; 
and, as usual, all the sins of his family were laid at Glenville's 
door, especially his sisters' ruffles — our metal buttons — the carpet 
wall; and above all, Carlton's irreverent sniggering in meeting. 
But then, most who had met us at Susan Ashford's wedding said 
"we warnt so stuck up as folks said; and that mammy Ashford 
herself thought it was not a bit proud to have a carpet wall, or 

2 In the English sense. 



SECOND YEAR 177 

the like, and that Mr. Carltin was a right down clever feller, 
powerful funny, and naterally addicted to laffin." And to crown 
all, Mr. Ashford himself, and belonging to poor Philip's sect, 
publicly avowed that "he hisself had actially laff'd in meetin — 
for the water came so sudden like — only he kept his face kivered 
with his hat, and nobody hadn't seen him." 

The enemy then affirmed that Glenville himself had laughed: 
but he procured certificates from every body at church to this 
point that "nobody had seen or heard John Glenville laughing; 
and these were read wherever Jerry's party had made the charge.^ 
For any silly charge, if uncontradicted out there, and maybe in 
here — defeats an election ; either because the charge is deemed an 
offset against the candidate, or people like to see their candidate 
in earnest, and his rebutting allegations looks like zeal for their 
interest, and shows a due sense in his mind of popular favour. 
Beside, if any one neglects a trifling charge, his enemies will soon 
bring larger and more plausible ones — whereas his alertness 
scares them. 

At last it was boldly alleged that "John zvould have laughed 
if he had not expected to be a candidate!" But to this it was 
triumphantly replied that "Jerry would have laughed if he had 
been at meetin" — for Squire Chippy and Col. Skelpum gave two 
separate certificates, that "Jerry Simpson had laughed when he 
heard tell of it!!" Hence poor Philip's sermon was celebrated 
over all our district ; and everywhere was spoken and even spouted 
the sentence "no one couldn't make airth," and so through all 
the four old-fashioned chemical elements : till all men were asham- 
ed to bring even against "poor Carltin" a charge, to which all 
plainly showed, if they had been at meeting, they would have 
been equally liable themselves. And so our party triumphed over 
what once seriously threatened to defeat us. 

The price of liberty, eternal vigilance, is well paid in a New 
Purchase. With us it was watched by all classes, and through- 
out the year: it was indeed the universal business. Our offices 
all, from Governor down to a deputy constable's deputy and 

2 However, since it can do no harm now, Glenville did laugh ; but 
nobody either saw or heard him but myself — and of course I did not 
sign any certificate. 



178 SECOND YEAR 

fence-viewer's clerk's first assistant, were in the direct gift of 
the people. We even elected magistrates, clerks of court, and 
the judges presiding and associate! And some who knew better, 
yet for rabblerousing purposes, gravely contended that trustees 
of colleges, and all presidents, professors, and teachers should 
be elected directly by the people!* 

Our social state, therefore, was for ever in ferment; for ever 
was some election, doing, being done, done or going to be done ; 
and each was bitterly contested as that of president or governor. 
In all directions candidates were perpetually scouring the country 
with hats, saddle-bags, and pockets crammed with certificates, de- 
fending and accusing, defaming and clearing up, making licentious 
speeches, treating to corn whiskey, violating the Sabbath, and 
cursing the existing administration or the administration's wife 
and wife's father ! And every body expected at some time to be a 
candidate for something ; or that his uncle would be ; or his cousin, 
or his cousin's wife's cousin's 'friend would be ; so that every body, 
and every body's relations, and everybody's relations' friends, were 
for ever electioneering, till the state of nasty, pitiful intrigues and 
licentious slanders and fierce hostility, was like a rotten carcass 
where maggots are, each for himself and against his neighbour, 
wriggling and worming about ! 

Men were turned into mutual spies, and watched and treasured 
and reported and commented upon, looks, words and actions, 
even the most trifling and innocent ! And we were divided, house 
against house! and man against man; and settlements, politically 
considered, were clannish and filled with animosity. The sov- 
ereign people was, indeed, feared by the candidate who truckled 
to-day, and most heartily despised when he ruled to-morrow. 

The very boys verging on manhood were aware of their future 
political importance ; and even several years before voting, they were 
feared, petted, courted and cajoled, becoming of course conceited, 
unmannerly and disrespectful. Their morals were consequently 
often sadly hurt ; and boys then voted f rauduently. Standing 
either ozfer the No. 21 pasted in the shoe, or betiveen No. 21 in 

* This would seem to indicate an excess of a certain kind of democracy 
in the West and the need of the "short ballot." Hall was evidently of the 
opinion that elective offices were altogether too numerous. 



SECOND YEAR 179 

the hat, and No. 22 in the shoe, they would sometimes deliberately 
swear, when challenged as to age, that they were over 21, or 
betiveen 21 and 22!! Such depraved lads, destitute of reverence, 
will talk loud and long, and confidently, in any company, con- 
tradicting and even rebuking their betters — and all the time a 
rabblerouser ^ affects to listen and admire such firmness and 
independence of spirit!! Get out! you scornful puppy! and do 
not prate to me about religious cant; can any thing come up to 
the cant and whine of a selfish, godless rabblerouser? And dare 
such a one say that evangelical missionaries are not safer guides, 
and better friends to the people than — He ! Out with you, atheist. 

We had of course in the Purchase a passion for stump-speech- 
ing. But recollect, we often mount the stump only figuratively : 
and very good stump-speeches are delivered from a table, a chair, 
a whiskey barrel, and the like. Sometimes we make our best 
stump speeches on horse-back. In this case, when the horse is 
excited by our eloquence, or more commonly by the mischievous 
boys, more action goes with the speech than even Demosthenes in- 
culcated — often it became altogether circumambulatory. 

Once a candidate stood near the tail of Isam Greenbriar's ox 
cart at Woodville, when some of his opponents, — (perhaps some 
of his own friends, for the joke was tempting) — noiselessly 
drew out the forward pins, when at the most unexpected instant, 
aye, in the very climax of his most ferocious effervescence, Mr. 
Rhodomontade was canted into the dirt! 

Again, our candidate for fence-viewer, with some half dozen 
friends, was once hard at work with certificates and speeches in 
Sam Dreadnought's wagon ; when Sam, having several miles to 
drive before dark, and having already waited two good hours for 
matters to end, suddenly leaped on his saddle horse, and then, at 
a word and a crack, away dashed the team loaded with politics, 
very much to the amusement of the people, but much to the 
discomfiture of our candidate. 

Nothing surpasses the munificent promises and at the same 
time the external and grovelling humility of a genuine rabble- 
rouser, just before an election. He shakes hands with every 
body, friend and foe; he has agents to treat at his expense at 

s New Purchase name for a demagogue. 



iSo SECOND YEAR 

every doggery ; ® and in his own person he deals out whiskey and 
gingerbread, as we have seen, to a long line of independent voters 
marching past him with drum and fife to the polls ; and he drinks 
out of any drunken vagabond's bottle, laughing at his beastly 
jokes, putting his arm around his filthy neck, and allows himself 
thus to be slobbered upon, while patting the brute on the back 
and being patted in turn ! 

Yet have we noble gentlemen who, when candidates, are cour- 
teous indeed, but who will not do base things, nor make absurd 
and wicked promises, and who when defeated back out with 
manly scorn of licentious opponents. One such high minded 
individual in order to show the folly of great promises, came 
out the year after a defeat, saying he had altered his purposes, 
and now was a candidate again, and would if elected exert his 
utmost efforts to force the legislature "to abolish the fever and 
ague, and to pass a bill to find a gold mine on every poor man's 
quarter section." I forget whether he was now elected ; but he 
deserved to be. 

Glenville, though full of tact, was independent; although we 
did give credit for kip and neats-leather, even where it was doubt- 
ful whether our political friends would pay, and bought raw 
hides at higher prices than we paid at Spiceburg and Woodville. 
And Glenville did submit to, or rather he could not prevent a 
party with him in a canoe from upsetting the boat in the middle 
of Shining River; and who thus gave the candidate what they 
called a — "political baptising:" but whilst this was no dry joke, 
our friend still, on swimming to land with the others, joined in 
the laugh. This too was a fair type of his immersion into the 
troubled waters of poHtical life; and the way he endured the 
ducking so established his reputation above Jerry's, that at the 
ensuing election a few weeks after, Mr. G. was successful by a 
clean majority of 171 votes! 

Politicians, even in here, I am informed, are also very 
frequently immersed and into puddles; from which they rarely 
ever do flounder out, and when they do, it is said, they look nasty 
and soiled, and have dirty ways, all the rest of their lives ! But 
maybe the less said on this point the sooner mended ; and there- 

8 New Purchase term for a grog shop or low tavern. 



SECOND YEAR 



i8r 



fore, as Mr. Glenville is now the people's man, the world expects 
his history, and we proceed to treat of the same in three chapters. 



CHAPTER XXIII. 

"I'll read you matter deep and dangerous, — 
"As full of peril, and advent'rous spirit, 
As to o'erwalk a current, roaring loud, 
On the unsteadfast footing of a spear." 

Mr. Glenville was about my age, or rather I was about his 
age ; or to be as definite as a down east school book, we were both 
about the same age, and were born in A.D. 179 — ;^ — and hence 
have already lived part of two centuries, being as old as the cur- 
rent added to the fraction of the other. 

He was born, and educated for some years, in Philadelphia. 
His principal teacher was Mr. Moulder, who superintended an 
old-fashioned orthodox quuker school ; in which morals were far 
better and more successfully cultivated than in modern quackery 
schools, where morals is made a separate matter. And in this 
primitive school John imbibed much of the Yea and Nay in his 
character, or his right-up-and-downedness ; a compound conduc- 
ing greatly to his safety and happiness in the strifes, dangers and 
perplexities of the wilderness. He had been destined to the 
counting house, but the removal of his friends to the west, 
changed his destiny ; and hence, being a good elementary mathe- 
matician and well acquainted with theoretical surveying, he was 
invited by Gen. Duff Green, then of Kentucky, to accompany a 
party to the Upper Missouri as assistant surveyor; which in- 
vitation was accepted. 

This suited our hero's love of adventure and gave an opportu- 
nity of seeing — the world. Not the world as seen by a trip to 
Paris or London, but the world natural and proper; the world 
in its native convexity, its own ravines and mountains, its virgin 
soil, its primitive wilds, its unworn prairies ! to float in birch-bark 
canoes on the swelling bosom of free waters ! — waters never de- 

1 1793. See Introduction. 



1 82 SECOND YEAR 

graded with bearing loads of merchandise, or prostituted in a 
part diverted to turn mills, or fill canals, or in any way to be a 
slave, and then to be let go discoloured with coal, or saw dust, or 
flour, or dyestuffs, marks of bondage — that they may hurry away, 
sullen and indignant to hide their dishonoured waves in the ocean ! 
He went to see the world as the Omnipotent made it and the 
deluge left it! He went to hear the thunder-tramp of the wild 
congregations — the horse and the buiifalo, — shaking the prairie- 
plains that heaved up proud to bear on their free heart the un- 
tamed, free, bounding, glorious herds! He went to look at the 
sun rising and setting on opposite sides of one and the same field ; 
and where the rain-bow spans half a continent and curves round 
the terrestrial semicircle! He went to see the smoke of a wig- 
wam where death flies on the wing of a stone-headed arrow, and 
the Indian is in the drapery of untouched forests and midst the 
fragrance of the ungardened, many coloured, ever-varied flowers! 
What change from the smokes and smells of a city ! — the out- 
cry, war, confusion of anxious, crowded, jostled, envious, 
jealous, rivalous population! — its contrasts of moneyed conse- 
quence and povertysmitten dependence! — its rolling vehicles of 
travelling ennui and hobbling crutch of rheumatic beggary! — 
and its saloons of boisterous mirth adjoining the sad enclosure of 
silent tombstones! Oh! the change from dark, damp, stifling 
pent holes of alleys and courts, where filth exhales its stench 
without the sun ! — to walk abroad, run, leap, ride, hunt and shout, 
amid the unwrought, unsubdued, boundless world of primitive 
forest, flood, and prairie ! 

After a few weeks, Glenville was detached from the General's 
party, and sent with the principal surveyor and one hunter to 
complete a survey, with directions to rejoin the main body some 
two hundred miles down the Missouri, after the accomplishment 
of the work. The trio, therefore proceeded to the scene of their 
labour, which was more than fifty miles beyond the white settle- 
ments, and boarding on the hunting grounds of the Indians. 

One morning, when preparing breakfast on the bank of a river 
tributary to the Missouri, a large party of Indians appeared on 
the opposite bank, who, on espying our surveyors, came over to 
visit their camp, warriors and warriors' squaws, all wading with 



SECOND YEAR 183 

red and bare legs ; and then, pleased with their reception and some 
small presents, they insisted that our friends should now go and 
take breakfast on the other side; a request that could not be de- 
clined without engendering distrust. Accordingly, our trio 
mounted their horses and followed their wading friends across 
the river. 

Happy that the appetite is often strong! and yet strong as it 
was, it was almost too weak for the occasion. The breakfast be- 
gan with a drink of whiskey and complimentary smoking, after 
which came the principal viand, to wit : a soup, or hash, or swill, 
made of river water and deer-meat and deer-entrails all poured 
from a large iron kettle and smoking hot into — "an earthern 
dish?" No. "A calabash?" No: but into a sugar trough — a 
wooden trough ! ! and about as large as piggy uses in his early 
days, when fattening for a roast. Had the thing been as clean, 
our surveyors would never have flinched ; but the trough was 
coated with oleaginous matter both within and without ; and a 
portion of the interior coat, now melted by the absorption of 
free caloric, was contributing a yellow oily richness and flavour 
to the savoury mess ! And on the crust more remote from the 
heat frolicked larvae' with nice white bodies and uncouth dark 
heads, careless of comrades floating lifeless in the boiling gulf be- 
low ! Had Uncle Tommy been now narrating, he would have 
improved the occasion to animadvert on the beastliness of a 
drunken riot, where some are torpid under the table, and others 
flourishing glasses above it ; nay, he would have gone on to insist 
that grubs and such like are to be found even in the most fash- 
ionable places : but we content ourselves with furnishing the text. 

From this aboriginal mess both red and white men fished up 
pieces of vension, with sharp sticks, and with tin cups and greasy 
gourds they ladled out broth till all was exhausted, except some 
lifeless things in a little puddle of liquid matter at the bottom 
and a portion of entrail lodged on the side of the trough. Our 
folks, who had, indeed, seen "a thing or two" in cabin cookery, 
were nearly sickened now; for spite of clenching the teeth in 
sucking broth, they were confident more than once, that articles 
designed to be excluded, had xvormcd through the enclosure. It 

2 Little elf s or hob-goblins. 



i84 SECOND YEAR 

required a pint of whiskey extra during the day, quids innumer- 
able, and countless cigars to do away with the odor and the taste : 
and Glenville used to say the memory of that Indian breakfast 
would serve him for ever! And yet why not apply de gustibiis 
non, to this breakfast ? The classic Romans delighted in snails ; 
the sacred Jews in grasshoppers. The Celestials eat rats and 
dogs, and the elastic Parisians devour frogs, and sometimes cats. 
And may not American Indians eat, without disparagement, en- 
trails, brown and yellow grease, and fly-blows! Depend on it, 
reader, this eating, is, after all, a mere matter of taste. 

Not many days after this breakfast, our people met in a prairie 
a party of Osages, and mostly mounted on small, but very active 
horses. The chief ordered his troop to halt, and all dismounting, 
he made signs for the whites to advance; upon which he stepped 
up to Glenville — the Mercury of the three, and began an unintel- 
ligible gabble of English and Osage. At length he felt about 
Glenville's person, with his hands, and even into his bosom and 
pockets, till our friends became a little alarmed: when Glenville, 
remembering what he had heard, that nothing so quickly disarms 
and even makes a friend of a hostile Indian, as the show of cour- 
age, began to look angry, uttered words of indignation and even 
jerked away the chief's hand. Upon this the warrior stepping 
back, laughed long and loud, and with manifest contempt looked 
at the dwarf dimensions of the white but with approbation at 
his spunk; both natural feelings, when he beheld a little white 
man, five feet seven, and weighing nearly 120 lbs. avoirdupois 
boldly resisting and repelling a big red one, more than six feet 
three, and weighing about 235 lbs ! In a few moments, however, 
the Indian again advanced, but with the greatest good-nature; 
and while he now patted Glenville with one hand on the back, 
with the other he felt in our hero's side pocket, whence he soon 
abstracted a small knife and immediately transferred the same to 
his own pouch. After that, going to his pony, he returned with 
a magnificent buffalo robe wrought with rude outlines of beasts 
and Indians; which, throwing down before Glenville as a fair 
exchange of presents, he once more went to his horse, and then 
leaping on the animal's back, the chieftain gave the sign, and 
away the free spirits of the brave were again galloping towards 
the hazy line of the horizon ! 



SECOND YEAR 185 

The robe, during my sojourn in Glenville, was in the winter 
the outer cover of our bed. And to that was owing, one of my 
curious dreams: — a vast buffalo bull stripped of his skin and 
charging with his horns upon a gigantic Indian in an open 
prairie, while the Indian kept the bull at bay with a sugar trough 
in one hand, and a great dirk knife in the other. Indeed, if, when 
in a young gentleman's debating society at the discussion of the 
original and novel question, whether the savage Hfe be prefer- 
able to the civilized, if then, I am irresistibly impelled to vote in 
the affirmative, it is owing to my constitutional tendencies, hav- 
ing been strengthened by sleeping two entire winters under the 
buffalo robe. Only think! reader, — to sleep two winters, in a 
log cabin, in a bran New Purchase, near a chieftain and a war- 
rior's grave enclosed with logs and marked by a stake painted 
red ; and under the hairy hide of an enormous prairie bull ! — a 
bull killed by a gigantic Osage chief — a hide dressed by his squaw, 
the queen, of his papooses, the princesses ! a robe bestowed as a 
king's reward for my brother-in-law's courage ! ! Take care. I 
feel the effect even now — hurra — waw-aw for the savage life. 
It is carried in the affirmative by acclamation — let me go. I must 
go, and at least drazv a bead on something with my rifle ! flash ! 
bang! 

The surveyor's party, having in a few weeks finished their work, 
commenced descending the Missouri in a canoe, intending to 
reach the place where they had left their horses ; after which 
they would proceed by land to the rendezvous. 

One night as they were borne down rapidly by a very strong 
current, after having by the dim starlight barely escaped many 
real snags, planters, drifts and the like, and after having imagined 
a hundred others, they were at length driving towards a dark 
mass; whether real or not could at first be only conjectured. 
Alas! it was no fancy; but before the direction of the canoe 
could be altered, it was driven violently against a drift-island, 
and upsetting, was carried directly under it, and so effectually 
hid or destroyed as never to be seen again. One man at the in- 
stant of collision, leaped upon the island : the others were thrown 
into the water; but they succeeded, although torn and bruised 
in the attempt, and with much difficulty, in gaining the floating 
mass and getting on it. All their property, provisions, clothes, 



i86 SECOND YEAR 

surveying instruments, guns, &c. were lost, except the rifle which 
the hunter always kept in his hand, the clothes on their persons, 
and the notes and records of the surveys which Mr. Glenville 
had accidentally put early that evening into his hat and pockets! 

This, reader, was what is termed out there — "a. nasty fix ;" and 
yet our friends were still moving, not indeed very fast, for extem- 
poraneous islands move at all times sullenly, and often come to 
an anchor suddenly, and there remain for a week, a year, and 
sometimes they never float again. Still, it deserves to be called 
— a fix ; for first they were fixed absolutely on the drift, and 
relatively as to the banks ; again, it was now late in the fall, and 
a very cold night was fixing their clothes into ice or ice upon 
them; and lastly, they were fixed by their sudden unfix from the 
canoe, and by being hungry, wet, and cold, and yet destitute of 
all affixes, suffixes and "fixins." And so this curious fixation of 
our heroes may aid Webster in his subsequent attempts to fix 
the American-English by unfixing the English-English. 

The comrades now made a survey of their territory, and found 
they owned an island of logs, tree-tops and brush, matted and 
laced every way, with an alluvion of earth, sand, and weeds; the 
whole running, at present, due north and south, one hundred 
yards, with easting and westing of nearly fifty yards. No sign 
of human habitation was visible nor trace of living animal ; and 
it soon became morally certain the island was desert : and hence 
our friends began to devise means of abandoning the involuntary 
ownership. But the sole means appeared to be by swimming : and 
in that was great hazard, yet it must be done, unless they should 
wait for accidental dehverance; or till the party below disap- 
pointed at their non-arrival, should ascend the river to search 
for them. After a gloomy council it was unanimously decided 
to swim away from their island. 

The hunter immediately and voluntarily offered to adventure 
the first, promising, on reaching the shore, to stand at the best 
landing point, and there shout at intervals as a guide to the others. 
Contrary to all entreaties and dehortations, he was resolved to 
swim with his rifle — that weapon being, in fact, always in his 
hands like an integral part of his body. His only reply was — 
"She's — (rifles in natural grammar are she's; to a true woodsman 



SECOND YEAR 187 

a rifle is like a beloved sister ; and he no more thinks of he-'mg and 
him'-mg, or even it-'mg the one than the other) — "she's bin too 
long in the family, boys, to be desarted without no attempt to 
save her; no, no, it's not the fust time she's been swimm'd over a 
river; uncle Bill, arter that bloody fight with the Injins, jumped 
down the clifif with her and swimm'd her clean over the Ohio in 
his hand, and I kin outrassel and outswim uncle Bill any day — no 
no — we sink or swim together : so good bye, boys, here goes, I'll 
holler as soon as I git foothold." The splashing of the water 
drowned the rest; and away with his heavy rifle in one hand, 
and striking out with the other, swam the bold hunter, till borne 
down by the fierce current he had soon passed out of sight and 
hearing. 

With intense anxiety the remaining two waited for their com- 
rade's promised shout; but no noise came save the rushing of 
the boiling and angry waters past and under the drift-wood. 
Twenty long minutes had elapsed, and yet no voice — ten more — 
and all silence, except the waters ! Could it be, as they had all 
along dreaded, that the hunter was indeed sunk with his fav- 
ourite gun ! — or had he been carried one or more miles down be- 
fore he could land? The force of the current rendered this 
probable; and, therefore, they would wait an hour, to give him 
time to walk up the bank opposite the island and shout. But 
when that long and dreadful hour had elapsed, and no voice of 
the living comrade yet came across the dark and tumultuous 
waves, the agony of the hunter's only brother (for such was the 
surveyor on the drift with Glenville,) — became irrepressible, and 
he said, "I must see what's become of poor Isaac — I can't stand 
it any longer, here's my hand, Glenville, my poor boy — farewell ! 
— if I reach the shore I'll holler, if not, why we must all die — fare- 
well." The next instant the surveyor wag borne away ; and the 
noise of his swimming becoming fainter and fainter was soon 
imperceptible, and John Glenville stood alone ! 

Reader, my brother-in-law was then, compared with men, 
only a boy; and yet he stood there alone and without fear! And 
was there nothing of the morally sublime in that? — a very young 
man thus alone in the middle of the Missouri, on a dark and cold 
night; beyond the outskirts of civilized hfe; far enough away 



i88 SECOND YEAR 

from his mother's home, and affectionate sisters; and listening 
for the shouts of that second swimmer — and without fear? 
Could any body old or young be in such circumstances, and not be 
alarmed? Where was that noble hunter? was he drowned? 
Would the second swimmer reach the shore? And if hardy and 
strong woodsmen escaped not, could he, a boy, expect to reach 
the shore? True, thoughts of his mother now rushed in un- 
called; but these only nerved his purpose, and he resolved, with 
God's aid, to use his art and skill for their sakes ; or, if he must 
perish in the tumultuating flood of the wilderness, to die putting 
forth his best exertions to live — hark! what comes like a dying 
echo! — can it be! — yes, hark! it comes again, the voice of the 
second swimmer — there it is again ! Thank God — one is safe, but 
where is the other. Thus encouraged, Glenville prepared for 
his conflict with the waves. He was an expert swimmer, and 
often in early boyhood had swum from Philadelphia to the op- 
posite island in the Delaware. Could he, therefore, now pre- 
serve his self-possession, why might he not accomplish a less dis- 
tance in the Missouri ; for the shore he knew could not be more 
than a quarter of a mile from the drift. Accordingly he divested 
himself of all clothes, except shirt and pantaloons, made up the 
garments taken off into a small bundle, in the midst of which, 
securing the papers of the survey, he fastened it together with his 
hat between his shoulders : and then, wading out to the end of a 
projecting tree, he earnestly implored God for help, cast himself 
boldly into the turbid waters of the dark and eddying flood. And 
never did he seem to float more buoyant or swim with greater ease, 
without any perturbation permitting the river to bear him down- 
ward on its bosom: and yet directing his efforts as much as 
possible, towards the point whence at intervals was borne to his 
ears the shouting of his' comrade ; till, in some fifteen minutes he 
landed unhurt and not greatly wearied about one hundred yards 
below the voice, whither he instantly hastene-d, and to his heart- 
felt joy, was soon shaking hands not only with the surveyor, but 
also with the hunter. Yes! poor fellow — he had found his 
favourite too heavy, and one arm, powerful as it was, too weak 
for his long battle with a king of floods. Long, long, very long 
had he held to his gun ; but half-suffocated, his strength failing, 



SECOND YEAR 189 

and he whirling away at times from the shore almost reached, 
to save his life he had at last slowly relaxed his grasp, and his 
rifle sank. Yet even then repenting, he had twice gone down to 
the bottom to recover the weapon : and happily, failing in finding 
it — his strength never would have sufficed incumbered again with 
a gun to reach the land. 

Indeed, when he gained the bank he was barely able to clamber 
up, and could scarcely speak or even walk, when discovered by 
his brother: who had easily reached the shore himself, and, after 
shouting once or twice to Glenville, had gone down on the bank a 
full quarter of a mile before finding the hunter. By the aid of 
the surveyor, the hunter then had walked up till they had reached 
the spot where they were both now met by Glenville; and thus 
by the goodness of Providence, our three friends were delivered 
from their peril. 

Upon reconnoitering, it was conjectured that they must be near 
the squatter's hut, with whom had been left their horses ; and 
hence taking a course, partly by accident and partly by observa- 
tion, not long after they were cheered by the distant bark of his 
dogs, and next by the gleam of fire through the chinks of his 
cabin. Here, of course, the party was welcomed, and supplied 
with whatever was in the squatter's power to afford for their 
refreshment ; principally, however, a hearty drani of whiskey, 
some corn bread and jerked vension, but above all, a bed of dry 
skins, and a heap of blazing logs. 

In the morning they obtained supplies of skins and blankets, 
agreeing to pay their host if he would go with them to the rendez- 
vous; which he did, and was suitably and cordially rewarded. It 
was now perceived that if the poor hunter had left his rifle on 
the drift-island, she could have been regained by means of a 
raft: but to tell where she had been abandoned in the river was 
impossible. Otherwise our hunter would have made many a 
dive for the rescue of his "deer slayer ;" as it was, he came away 
disconsolate, and, indeed, as from the grave of a comrade — almost 
in tears ! 



CHAPTER XXIV. - 

"Ac veluti summis antiquam in montibus ornum 
Cum ferro accisam crebrisque bipennibus instant 
Eruere agricolae certatim: ilia usque minatur, 
Et tremefacta comam concusso vertice nutat: 
Vulneribus donee paulatim evicta, supremitm 
Congemuit, traxitque jugis avulsa ruinam." 

Our party reached the rendezvous only a few hours beyond the 
appointed time. Here, as a bee-tree had been just reported, it 
was unanimously determined to commemorate the deliverance and 
safe arrival of our three friends by a special jollification. In 
other words, it was voted to obtain the wild honey ; and then, in 
a compound of honey, water and whiskey, to toast our undrowned 
heroes and their presence of mind and bravery : — no small honour, 
if the trouble of getting the honey is considered. For, on follow- 
ing the aerial trail of the bees, the hive was ascertained to be in 
a hollow limb of the largest patriarchal sire of the forest — a tree 
more than thirty feet in circumference ! and requiring six men 
at least, touching each other's hands, to encircle the trunk! 

And this is a fair chance to say a word about the enormous 
circumambitiidialitariness ( .') of many western trees. It is com- 
mon to find such from six to seven feet in diameter; and we have 
more than once sat on stumps and measured across three lengths 
of my cane, nearly ten feet; and found, on counting the con- 
centric circles, that these monsters must have been from seven to 
eight hundred years old — an age greater than Noah's, and almost 
as venerable as that of Methusaleh ! Shall we feel no sublimity 
in walking amid and around such ancients? Trees that have 
tossed their branches in the sun light and winds for eight cen- 
turies ! — that have scorned the tempests and torandoes, whose 
fury ages ago prostrated cities and engulfed navies! — that have 
sheltered wildfowl in their leaves, and hid wild beasts in their 
caverns from the dooms-day looking gloom of many total solar 
eclipses ! and have gleamed in the disastrous light of comets re- 
turning in the rounds of centenary cycles ! 

Such trees, but for the insidious and graceless axe, that in its 
powerlessness begged a small handle of the generous woods, such 



SECOND YEAR 191 

would yet stand for other centuries to come, at least decaying, 
if not growing: they are herculean even in weakness and dying! 
And dare finical European tourists say we have no antiquity! 
Poor souls ! — poor souls ! — our trees were fit for navies, long 
years before their old things existed! Ay, when their oldest 
castles and cities were unwrought rock and unburnt clay ! Our 
trees belong to the era of Egyptian architecture — they are coeval 
with the pyramids ! 

Near the junction of the White River of Indiana and the 
Wabash, stands a sycamore fully ninety feet in circumference! 
Within its hollow can be stabled a dozen horses ; and if a person 
stand in the centre of the ground circle, and hold in his hand the 
middle of a pole fifteen feet long, he may twirl the pole as he 
pleases, and yet touch no part of the inner tree ! He may, as did 
Bishop Hilsbury, mounted on a horse, ride in at a natural opening, 
canter round the area, and trot forth to the world again ! But to 
the bee-tree. 

It is a proverb, "He that would eat the fruit must first climb 
the tree and get it :" but when that fruit is honey, he that wants it 
must first cut the tree down. And that was the present necessity. 
No sooner was this resolved, however, than preparation was made 
for execution ; and instantly six sturdy fellows stood with axes, 
ready for the work of destruction. They were all divested of 
garments excepting shirts and trowsers ; and now, with arms bared 
to the shoulders, they took distances around the stupendous 
tree. Then the leader of the band, glancing an eye to see if his 
neighbour was ready, stepped lightly forward with one leg, and 
swinging his weapon, a la Tom Robison, he struck ; and the 
startled echoes from the "tall timber" of the dark dens, were 
telling each other that the centuries of a wood-monarch were 
numbered! That blow was the signal for the next axe, and its 
stroke for the next; till cut after cut brought it to the leader's 
second blow: and thus was completed the circle of rude har- 
mony; while the lonely cliffs of the farther shores, and the grim 
forests on this, were repeating to one another the endless and 
regular notes of the six death-dealing axes ! And never before 
had the music of six axes so rung out to enliven the grand soli- 
tudes — and a smaller number was not worthy to bid such a tree 
fall! 



192 SECOND YEAR 

Long was it, however, before the tree gave even the slightest 
symptom of alarm. What had it cared for the notchings of a 
hundred blows ! Yet chip after) ichip had le;aped from the 
wounded body — each a block of solid wood — and the keen iron 
teeth were beginning to gnaw upon the vitals ! Alas ! oh ! noble 
tree, you tremble ! Ah ! it is not the deep and accustomed thunder 
of the heavens, that shakes you now ! — no mighty quaking of the 
earth ! That is a strange shivering — it is the chill shivering of 
death ! But what does death mean where existence was deemed 
immortal! Why are those topmost branches, away ofif towards 
the blue heavens, so agitated ! Tree ! — tree ! — no wind stirs them 
so — they incline towards the earth — away ! hunter, away ! away ! 
Hark ! — the mighty heart is breaking ! And now onward and 
downward rushes yon broad expanse of top, with the cataract 
roar of eddying whirlwinds ; and the far-reaching arms have 
caught the strong and stately trees ; and all are hurrying and 
leaping and whirling to the earth, in tempest and fury ! Their 
fall is heard not. In the overwhelming thunder of that quiver- 
ing trunk, and the thousand crushings of those giant limbs, and 
the deep groan of the earth, are lost all other noises, as the 
slight crack of our rifles and the sudden bursting of the electric 
cloud! There lies the growth of ages! Once more the sun 
pours the tide of all his rays over an acre of virgin soil, barely 
discerned by him for centuries ! 

Well might Glenville feel rewarded and honoured, when for 
his sake such a tree lay prostrate at his feet! And yet in all 
this was fulfilled the saying, — the sublime and ridiculous are 
separated by narrow limits ; for, could any thing be grander than 
such a tree and such an overthrow? Could any be meaner than 
the purpose for which it fell? — viz: — To get a gallon of honey to 
sweeten a keg of whiskey! 



CHAPTER XXV. 

"Provide the proper palfries, black as jet 
To hale thy vengeful wagon swift away, 
And find out murderers in their guilty caves." 

After many other trials and adventures Glenville returned safe 
to his home in Kentucky. Here with his wages he loaded a boat 
with "produce/' and set float for New Orleans; intending with 
the cash realized by the trip, on his return, to go into Illinois with 
a stock of goods and "keep store." But at Orleans he was seized 
with the yellow fever, and was finally given over by his physician, 
and orders issued, in anticipation of death, for his interment. That 
very night, however, in delirium, and while his kind yet weary 
nurse slumbered in a chair, he arose and finding a basin of water 
brought to wash him in the morning, he instantly seized and swal- 
lowed the whole contents — the only thing deemed wanting to 
kill him ! And yet when put again into bed, he fell into a calm 
and delicious slumber; perspired freely, and when he awoke the 
fever was gone, and my friend saved. Let careful persons, there- 
fore, who keep a memorandum book put this along side the 
celebrated Scotch-herring-recipe, — "Cure for Orleans fever: two 
quarts of cold water, and cover up in bed." 

Glenville did, indeed, get home and with some money from a 
successful sale ; but he was worn and emaciated, and many months 
passed, before he could cross the Ohio and set up his store. His 
cup of bitterness was not drained ; and evil came now in a form 
demanding stout heart and steady nerves. Ay ! our dark and 
illimitable forests then hid men of lion hearts, of iron nerves, of 
sure and deadly weapons! Perhaps such dwell there yet; if so, 
wo ! to the enemy that rashly arouses them from their lairs and 
challenges, where civilized discipline avails not ! and where battle 
is a thousand conflicts man to man, rifle to rifle, knife to knife, 
hatchet to hatchet! And Glenville, boy as he was, proved himself 
worthy a name among the lion-hearted ! 

We stood once on a solemn spot in the wilderness and leaned 
against the very tree where the bloody knife of the only survivor 
had rudely and briefly carved the tale of the tragedy. It stood 
nearly thus : 

193 



194 SECOND YEAR 

"i8 injins — 15 wites — injins all kill'd and buried here — 14 
wites kill'd and buried too — P. T." 

Laugh away, men of pomatum and essence, at Hoosiers, and 
Corncrackers, and Buckeyes : ay ! lace-coats, mow them down in an 
open plain with canister and grape, you safely encased behind 
bulwarks ; or cut them to pieces with pigeon breasted, mailed and 
helmed cuirassiers, — but seek them not as enemies in their native 
and adopted woods ! The place of your graves will be notched in 
their trees, and you will never lie under polished marble, in a 
fashionable and decorated cemetery ! 

But Glenville, in store keeping witnessed a farce before his 
tragedy. Among his earthen and sham-Liverpool, were found 
some articles, similar to things domesticated in great houses, and 
which, although not made unto honour, were in the present case 
very unexpectedly elevated in the domestic economy. These 
modesties occupied a retired and rather dusky part of the store;' 
when one day an honest female Illinois — (i. e. a Sucker's wife) — 
in her travels around the room in search of crocks suddenly ex- 
claimed : "Well ! I never ! if them yonder with the handles on, 
aint the nicest I ever seen ! — Johhny, what's the price ? — but I 
must have three any how ; — here Johnny do up this white one — 
(rapping it with her knuckles) — and them two brown ones up 
thare." 

A large purchase, to be sure, of the article ; but curiosity asked 
no questions : and in due time the trio were packed and hanging in 
a meal bag from the horn of the lady's saddle ; who, on taking 
leave, thus addressed our marvelling shopkeeper: — 

"Mr. Glenville, next time you go gallin, jist gimme and my ole- 
man a call, — we've got a right down smart chance of a gall to 
look at — good bye." 

Our hero, who had early discovered, that store keeping is none 
the worse when the owner is in favour with the softer sex, did 
not forget this invitation, and in due season made his kind 
friends a visit : and when supper was placed on the table by the 
smiling maid and her considerate mother, what do you think was 
there ? 

"Corn bread?" 

Hold your ear this way — (a whisper.) 



SECOND YEAR 195 

"No!— he! he! he!"— 

Yes, indeed, and doubledeed ! — the white one full of milk!! 
And after that you know our humblest democrat, may well look 
up to the presidency. 

It had become about this time necessary for Mr. G. to visit 
Louisville. For that purpose, he left his store in charge of a 
young man ; the latter promising among other things to sleep in 
the store, instead of which, however, he always slept at a neigh- 
bouring cabin. Hence what was feared happened, — the store was 
robbed. Not truly in the eastern style, of small change in the 
desk, some half dozen portable packages, or paltry three dozen 
yards of something; — no, no, the robbery was on the wholesale 
principle commensurate with the vastness of our woods and prai- 
ries. The entire stock in trade was carried off — bales, boxes, 
bags, packages, and even yard-sticks and scales to sell by — ^yes, ! 
and hardware, and software, and brittleware, — ay ! crocks with 
and without handles, and whatever may have been their standing 
in society, — all, all — were taken ! so that when the clerk came in 
the morning to retail to the Suckers, there was indeed, a beg- 
garly account — not of empty boxes, these being mostly carried 
away — but of empty shelves, and empty desks, and empty store. 
His occupation was even more completely gone than Othello's. 

On the river bank ^ were, indeed, traces enough of a mysterious 
departure of merchandise ; but whether the embarkation had been 
in skows, or "perogues," and other troughlike vessels, was uncer- 
tain. Nor could it even be conjectured, for what port the store 
had been spirited away ; or for what secret cove or recess of tall 
weeds matted into texture with sharp briars and thorny bushes ! 

Previous to Glenville's return, a fellow that had been noticed 
lurking in the woods near the store for two days before the rob- 
bery, was recognised in a small village, the day after, and in sus- 
picious circumstances. He was, therefore apprehended ; when, 
after a short imprisonment, he confessed having been employed 
by some strangers to steer a flat boat loaded with something or 
other from Glenville's landing. On his return, our merchant 
went to the sheriff, who indignant at villainy that had so com- 
pletely ruined a very young man after years of toil and danger 

1 The Big-Fish-River. 



196 SECOND YEAR 

passed in acquiring his little property, did himself suggest and 
offer voluntarily to aid in a scheme to compel the prisoner to dis- 
close, at least, where the goods were concealed, and before they 
should be removed from the country or ruined by the damp. 

We are not advocates for lynching, but we do know that 
where laws cannot and do not protect "backwoodsmen, they fall 
back on reserved rights and protect themselves. Nay, such, in- 
stead of laying aside defensive weapons, after legislators shall 
have been wheedled, or frightened, or bribed into vile plans by 
puling or fanatical moralists to nurse the wilful and godless mur- 
derer on good bread, wholesome water and occasional soups, all 
the remainder of his forfeited days — we know that such woodmen 
will go better armed, to slay and not unrighteously on the spot 
every unholy apostate that maliciously and wilfully strikes down 
and stamps on God's image ! And when the day comes that the 
avenger of a brother's blood wakes in our land — let no canting 
infidel or universalist blame those that now resist the abrogation 
of divine laws! — but let him blame hypocritical juries, rabble- 
rousing governor's, and all that are now deserting the weak, the 
innocent, the unwary, the defenceless, and crying "God pity and 
defend and save and bless — the murderer !" - and "Shame on the 
dead — poor lifeless, victim !" 

The sheriff and Glenville with two fearless and voluntary asso- 
ciates prevailed on the jailor to loan them the prisoner for a day 
or two, making known their scheme and giving suitable pledges 
for his redelivery. The loan was made, and then, on reaching a 
fit place, the prisoner was dismounted, and Glenville proposed to 
him the following: 

"My friend, we know very well you helped to rob my store, 
and that you know well enough where your comrades are and 
how the goods can be recovered; now, if you will tell, not only 
will we get you out of jail, provided you w^ill leave the country, 

2 Some politicians plead strenuously for the abolishing of Capital 
Punishment in all cases, who yet insist on the right of self-defence, de- 
fensive wars, and the propriety of firing on mobs with powder and ball! 
Of course, it is very proper to kill any number of persons intending 
either to rob or murder; but very wicked and impolitic to put any body 
to death after his crimes shall have been committed! 



SECOND YEAR 197 

but I will give you also ten dollars ; tiut if you won't tell, why then 
we'll flog you into it — come, what do you say?" 

"Well, he be some-thing'd if he know'd; and if he did, he 
wasn't going to be lick'd into tellin — and he'd sue them for salt 
and battery." 

Peril, indeed, was in this illegal process ; but the party had 
good reasons for believing the fellow a desperate robber, and so 
they seemed to be preparing for a severe flaggellation, when he 
supposing all was solemn earnest, said he was ready to confess, 
and, provided Mr. G. would forgive and not prosecute, he would 
conduct the present party to the plunder, or a part of it. The 
promise was readily given and the fellow was unbound and re- 
mounted without any trammel, but with this comfortable assur- 
ance, that if he tried to escape or to betray them into any rendez- 
vous of robbers, he should be instantly shot down, and that 
whether they died themselves for it or not. ^ 

Accordingly, away all started through the woods, where the 
prisoner yet rode, confident, as if following a blaze, and stopping 
only at intervals to look at the sun, or the moss, or to examine 
a tree or branch, and shewing if he had one hundred yards fair 
start, it would be no easy matter either to catch or shoot him. At 
last, a wild turkey was seen trotting across their course, fully 
eighty yards ofif, and then Glenville, nearly as good shot as the 
writer, merely stopping his horse, levelled and fired from his sad- 
dle, when to his own surprise, as well as that of the others, the 
bird fell dead in his tracks ! After this the guide would check 
his own horse, if he voluntarily stepped faster than the others, 
lest he should seem meditating an escape; for if a moving turkey 
could be shot, so he seemed to think could more easily be a mov- 
ing man. 

The fellow, however, led at length into a deep ravine on Big 
Wolf Creek ; and there, sure enough, some in a cave and some in 
a hollow tree were portions of the merchandise — it being evident 
also that within a very few hours a still larger portion had been 
removed to some other depot ! By the force of additional threats, 
promises and entreaties, the rascal named the other robbers, he be- 

3 It was intended only to frighten the man. unless he did actually 
•betray the party to the robbers — when, of course, it would be life for life. 



198 SECOND YEAR 

ing merely a subordinate ; but as no small hazard would be en- 
countered in attacking the temporary cabin, where the principal 
robber and the remaining goods were, it was determined first to 
get additional volunteers and make more suitable preparation. 
Packing the damaged and soiled goods on their horses, the sher- 
iff's party returned with their prisoner to the village of Shante- 
burg, and redelivered him to the jailor, intending if his informa- 
tion proved substantially correct to have the fellow not only 
liberated, but otherwise rewarded. 

Here, also, two others volunteered to join in the robber hunt; 
upon which all, with loaded rifles, and knives and hatchets in their 
belts, soon mounted, and were plunging again into the darkness of 
the forest, now black from a moonless night. Early on the 
next morning they came in sight of the cabin. When within fifty 
yards, the robber stepping to the door let his rifle fall in that 
peculiar manner that belongs to a practiced marksman, at the 
same time warning off his visitors, and solemnly swearing he 
would kill the man that first approached his barricade. At the 
instant, however, of the man's appearance and even before he had 
faily uttered a word, our friends had "treed" in a twinkling, and 
now stood with pointed weapons and keen eyes towards the bold 
thief. Glenville, on leaping from his horse, instead of treeing, 
stood boldly out and thus exclaimed loud enough to be heard by 
all : ''Sheriff, you are all running this risk for me — 'tis my duty 
to lead. I'll attack the scoundrel; if he shoots me — avenge my 
death !" With that he fearlessly advanced with his levelled rifle 
and then halting, called to the villain : "Throw down your gun — 
in ten seconds one of us is a dead man — one, two, three :" and so 
the two stood, each with his bead darkened by the other's breast — 
the sheriff's men, also unwilling to shed blood ; yet with a finger 
every man on his set trigger — till Glenville called "seven'' — when 
the robber suddenly threw up his muzzle, and cried out, "surren- 
dered 1" The next instant he was seized and bound. This was 
the leader. His main accomplices were not discovered, and only 
another portion of the stolen goods, which, together with the 
robber, were now conveyed in triumph to Shanteburg. That after- 
noon the fellow was lodged in jail, and of necessity in the same 
room with the subordinate thief : yet, while all possible care was 



SECOND YEAR 199 

used to prevent escape, in less than forty-eight hours both con- 
trived to get out ! and from that hour to the present, neither they, 
nor the remainder of the merchandize was ever seen or recovered. 
It was, indeed ascertained that they belonged to a small foraging 
party from the grand gang of outlaws, whose head-quarters then 
were among the islands and cane-breakers of the Missouri : and so 
doubtless they escaped by the aid of concealed comrades and all 
got safe off with Mr. Glenvile's balance in trade, to the army of 
the confederates. Perhaps they lived to rob again — may be to 
murder ; and for which latter service our modern pseudo-philan- 
thropists would pity and feed thenii! Many neighbours out there 
will always physic such with lead pills — at least till Reformers 
'have; prisons prepared to hold their pets longer than a few 
hours ! 

This pleasant adventure, terminated Mr. G's first essay at store- 
keeping. It gained him, however, a character, and no one would 
have become popular in the New Purchase,* but for mistaken 
opinions in the neighbours about "Mr. Carlton's bigbuggery and 
stuckupness." As it was, Glenville nearly went over Simpson 
rough shod. And all these little afifairs aided our firm in sore 
disappointments and losses ; for then the senior would say — 

'"Well ! — we might have had better luck." 

And the junior reply, 

"Why, yes — and another consolation : this is not the first dis- 
appointment, and it wont be the last!" 

We, in short, thus learned to imitate the sailor, who, in witness- 
ing a conjuror's tricks, was pitched into the yard by the accidental 
blowing up of some gunpowder; but which supposing to be one 
of the tricks, he held on to his bench, and exclaimed : "Well ! — 
what next?" 

■* Our part of it. 



CHAPTER XXVI. 



O Cromwell ! Cromwell ! 



Had I but served my God with half the zeal 
I serv'd my King, he would not in mine age 
Have left me naked to mine enemies." 

Is the way of a transgressor hard? that of a politician is not 
much easier. He is usually a slave first, and a timeserver after- 
wards. In the Purchase the sovereign people are the most un- 
compromising task masters ; and he that wishes to serve them, had 
better first take a trip to Egypt and learn the art of doing brick 
without straw. In certain districts, fitness, mental, and moral is 
a secondary qualification in a candidate; he must be a clever 
fellow in the broad republican sense. For instance, he must lend 
his saddle to a neighbor, and ride himself, bareback ; he must buy 
other people's produce for cash, and sell his own for trade or on 
credit ; and, on certain solemn occasions, he must appear without 
a coat, and in domestic muslin shirt-sleeves : his overalls hung by 
half a suspender, and a portion of the above named muslin 
curiously pouched between his vest and inexpressibles. His face 
must wreathe, or wrinkle, with endless smiles ; and his ungloved 
hand be ready for a pump-handle shake with friend and foe 
alike: because a foe often presents his hand to ascertain if "the 
fellow aint too darn'd proud to shake hands with a poor man !" 

Is the man of honour invited to eat? he asks no questions for 
conscience's sake, or the stomach's — the two things being in 
many people the same. Is he asked to stay all night? he never 
wonders where they will find him a bed — there being only three 
in the room, and the family consisting of one old man, and one 
old woman, two grown sons, three daughters, and some little 
folks — he naturally lies down on the puncheons with his certifi- 
cate wallet for a bolster. Or does he share a bed with two others? 
— then he recollects it is a free country, and if one man needs 
votes, another needs brimstone. And why turn up a nose at an 
oderif erous blanket ? — has a bed any right, natural or political, to 
more than one sheet ? — and why should not the sheet be under and 
the blanket above you? — Let go your nose! has not a long suc- 

200 



SECOND YEAR 201 

cession of "your dear fellow-citizens' slept in the same bed, and 
between the same articles ; and what, pray, are you better than 
they to wish clean things? "Yes — but I'm nearly stifled." Tut 
man! — you'll never mind it when you get to sleep. "But it cer- 
tainly will kill me!" Not it: men of honour are not so easily 
destroyed. 

Would a candidate cough? — he puts no hand up, nor turns 
aside his head. Must the nose be blown? — he draws out no 
handkerchief. Would he spit? — he neither goes to the door, nor 
uses a perfumed cambric, like a first-rate clergyman. Why? — 
because all such observances are regarded as signs of pride, and 
if you despise them not, your election is hopeless. 

"But, Mr. Carlton, we might transmit something offensive to a 
gentleman's garments." 

"Well, what then ! he will certainly some time or other return 
your favour. Be satisfied, my dear Mr. Eastman, it is only by 
giving and taking all sorts of matters out there, you can, in some 
districts, ever secure your election." 

"And do any politicians endure all this !" 

Certainly : and persons who aspire to rule ought surely first 
to serve. Many remarkable men in Congress, be it known, had a 
long training in some Purchase — their meannesses are not of 
toadstool growth, if they are of toadstool flavour. 

Reader! are you religious? Then do write a tract to be scat- 
tered any where on election days ; and here is your text or theme : 
— "Give diligence to make your calling and election sure." Among 
other matters, set forth how it requires not one fourth the labour, 
toil, anxiety, watchfulness and none of the base sacrifices of time, 
comfort, and independence to save a man's soul as to win an elec- 
tion; and, how the worldly honour is not worth after all even 
the worldly price paid for it, and much less, the immortal soul 
usually thrown in with the rest to boot. 

We, of course, did not do some things, and hence Mr. Glenville 
was soon permitted to remain in private life; still we were com- 
pelled, for electioneering objects, to attend this summer, several 
Log-Rollings. Folks in the Purchase had no special days for 
political gatherings, or at most, not more than two dozen in a 
whole year; for, in lieu of such, every militia muster, cabin- 



202 SECOND YEAR 

raising, scow-launching, shooting-match, log-rolHng and so forth, 
was virtually a political assembly, where our great men and their 
partisans made stump speeches, and read certificates. For the 
benefit of our surplus young lawyers, and other ambitious gentle- 
men who have neither trades nor stores, and who are desirous of 
rising above the political horizon, and are meditating to emigrate 
to the west, we shall here give a full account of one Grand Log- 
Rolling. which Glenville and Co., attended this season. 

On reaching the place, we found a large and motley assembly 
of fellow-creatures — men, women, boys, girls, horses, oxen, dogs 
— all of, whom, and which, came either to aid or listen, except the 
dogs, and these came simply out of philanthropy. They spent the 
time mainly in wagging their tails, barking at rolling logs, and 
thrusting in their noses wherever there was a pretext for seeming 
busy while others were so hard at work ; and yet, excepting some 
three dozen snakes, four skunks, two opossums and a score or 
two of insignificant field rats and mice and ground squirrels, the 
dogs caught nothing the whole blessed day. 

Indeed, some secretly thought it would have been just as well if 
the musk-cats had been allowed to escape, for, after their capture, 
the dogs were not altogether so agreeable ; yet no candidate or 
candidate's friends or even their enemies kicked or whipped a 
favourite wag-tail. It was hardly politic to curl your nose. 
What was a fellow fit for, that minded such things? — was he the 
man to go to the legislature and carry skins ^ to a bear. 

The whole intended field, however, was resounding with all 
kinds of cries, noises, and echoes, such as shouts — orders — 
counterorders — encouragements — reproaches — whoas, gees and 
haws — ^hold-on's and let-go's, and that's your sort's — up-with- 
him's to male logs, pull her this way, to female ones, and down- 
with-it to neutrals ; with clatter of axes and tomahawks ; the 
thunder of rolling trunks ; the crash of brush ; the crackling of 
flames', and, over all, agreeably to the "Music of Nature,"- were 
heard the shrill outcries of females ; the screeching of boys ; the 
snorting and winnowing of horses ; and the howling and barking 
of dogs ! Never was scene more exciting; and our appearance in 

^ Sausage sort. 
- Gardiner's. 



SECOND YEAR 203 

working trim, was hailed with the most enthusiastic cheering ; 
whicli compHment being suitably returned, we speedily joined the 
nearest working party. As for myself, surely I never did haloa 
(holler) louder in my life: and I certainly never did work harder 
for a whole entire hour, dressed en costume, to wit: — in tow- 
trousers, cow-hide boots, and unbleached hemp linen shirt, but 
without coat or vest, and with shirt sleeves rolled above the 
elbows. 

We did not attend the gathering purely out of rabblerousing 
feelings ; we wanted to hear the speech of ours John intended to 
let olT at Jerry ; for something was expected today of Glenville, 
and he was only a novice in stump elocution, and so we had, 
being "high larn'd" and a "leetle" of a politician, made John's first 
speech ourselves ! Had John been as great a nincompoop as 
Jerry, he could just as readily have spoken nonsense off hand; 
but he knew too much to speak sense without preparation : and so 
Mr. Carlton had prepared the maiden speech. This, however, our 
friend, like some manuscript preachers, delivered more than once, 
yet always with variations and additions, till at last the very 
theme and text were both changed, and our stump orator gave 
towards the end of the campaign a much better speech than he 
had commenced with. 

Our historian, as has been hinted, did not figure a very long 
time with the handspike, having luckily discovered some pretext 
for soon joining a squawking and frolicsome squad of boys, girls 
and young women, engaged in the 'niggerin-ofif." Where it is de- 
signed to make "a clearing," the owner has all the trees, except 
some six or eight on an acre, cut down, the others being "dead- 
ened;" that is girdled by a deep cut two inches wide. If the 
majority of the trees are thus girdled, the field is called — "a 
deadening," — otherwise it is a clearing. Now, it is to a clearing 
the log-rolling, or, for brevity's sake, "a. rolin,'' pertains. In order 
to the rolling the owner has had all prostrate trunks cut into 
suitable lengths, and the bushy tops preserved for fuel to the 
log-heaps ; still many trees remain to be prepared even on the 
grand rolling day; and such of course require the neighbours' 
axes and hatchets. 

In fifty or more places of the clearing, and in many parts of the 



204 SECOND YEAR 

same trunk, logs are making, and with wonderful celerity by 
another process — an almost noiseless process, too, and requiring, 
like Yankee factories, only women, girls, and children. And this 
is the niggering-off. It is thus performed. A small space is 
hacked into the upper side of the trunk, and in that for awhile 
is maintained a fire fed with dry chips and brush; then at right 
angles, with the prostrate timber is laid in the fire a stick of some 
green wood, dry fuel being yet added at intervals, till the 
incumbent stick, sinking deeper and deeper into the burning spot, 
in no very long time, if properly attended, divides or niggers the 
trunk asunder. 

The terms of this art are derived from the marvellous resem- 
blance the ends of charred logs have to a negro's head — another 
fact on which abolitionists may dilate with great pathos in the 
next batch of popular lectures, on the wickedness of our preju- 
dices : although it must be remembered that our black rascals out 
there invented the terms themselves ! 

The axe is truly a mighty agent in the civilization of new 
countries. Fire is a greater — and only in a New Purchase and 
in the niggering operation is the famous copy-book sentence illus- 
trated properly — "Fire is a bad master, but a good servant:" its 
mastership belongs to our log-burnings. Without the aid of fire, 
the stoutest heart must be appalled at the thought of hewing out 
with the axe a farm from our forests ; and yet with the aid of 
fire even females may achieve that enterprise. 

When the logs are all cut or niggered, they are then rolled, but 
often dragged together, in different parts of the clearing; and 
usually to the vicinity of some huge tree deadened, or perhaps 
living, and waving its melancholy arms over the mutilated bodies 
and mangled limbs of its slain children and friends. Ah ! happy 
if the tree be dead; for it is destined, if not dead, to a dreadful 
end — to be burned alive ! Oh ! poor tree ! thy former friends are 
compelled to become thy worst enemies — their severed trunks are 
gigantic fagots! Alas! the pile rising up, as log after log rolls 
heavily against thy quivering column, amid our labour, and shout- 
ing, and uproar, that pile, now surrounded, and crowned with a 
tangled world of brushwood, is thy sumptuous and magnific 
pyre! Monarch! of a thousand years, thou shalt die a 



SECOND YEAR 205 

kingly death ! Nor would'st thou be spared — only to sigh among 
strange harvests soon to spring around — to sigh for the shades and 
shadows and touching branches and kissing leaves of departed 
trees ! No — thou would'st not choose to survive thy race ! 

The piles are sometimes lighted at the end of the rolling; 
oftener by the settler's family at their leisure. To-day, however, 
as we were a very large party, and had, therefore, finished the 
rolling early in the afternoon, it was resolved that immediately 
after the candidates should have done speaking, all the heaps 
and piles should be kindled at once. Now to their praise be it 
forever^ recorded, that both John and Jerry had, as their friends 
allowed, "worked most powerful hard and steady:" but their ene- 
mies must determine whether this diligence was out of disinter- 
ested love to the settler, or with a single eye to the vote of the 
settler's eldest son, who, as his father accidentally remarked, 
would be entitled to a vote at the next election. Indeed, as the 
zealous partizans had closely imitated their respective candidates, 
more unfigurative, practical and innocent log-rolling was done to- 
day than was ever witnessed ; and I secretly made up my mind 
that our next log-rolling in Glenville should happen just before 
the fall election ; when we could get the opposing candidates to 
lead the work. It is not improbable that our host to-day had had 
the same thought ; at all events our candidates certainly sweat for 
their expected honours; and if John did gain them he worked for 
them — but Jerry ! alas ! he toiled in vain ! and alas ! it blistered 
my hands! but then after this, I was unanimously voted "a right 
down powerful clever sort of a feller!" and more than one very 
pretty young woman, "allowed she'd be Mr. Carltin's second wife, 
when his old woman died ! !" 

After all, candidates are of some use ; and the great majority can 
do more good in natural log-rolling than in the metaphorical sorts 
common among the dirk and pistol law-givers of deliberative as- 
semblies. Nay, a very few hundreds of rival and zealous candi- 
dates would, in a year or so, if judiciously driven under proper 
task-masters, clear a very considerable territory. 

The candidate * to-day stood not on a stump to make his address, 

3 In a finite sense — the life of this book. 
* Mr. Jerry Simpson declined speaking. 



2o6 SECOND YEAR 

but on a very large log heap, sustained by a living oak more than 
three hundred years old ! — an incident to me full of interest. Our 
first speech, the first of the sort I ever wrote — the first he ever 
uttered, — our first speech was poured forth over the ruins of 
greatness — a prostrate wilderness! The youthful speaker, the 
dear friend of many years, stood on a funeral pyre! while above 
him waved the sheltering branches of the tree, soon to be sacri- 
ficed and writhe in a tempest of fire ! And ours was the first, the 
last, the only oration ever made by a Christian under its protec- 
tion ! the grand old tree seeming to wonder at the semi-civiliza- 
tion that had wrought such havoc in its domain — while it knew 
not that the ceasing of Glenville's voice would be a signal for 
lighting the fires I 

The speech need not be described. It was, of course, rather 
ad-captandumish ; well written, however, but still better delivered 
and handsomely varied. Hence, if it gained no new votes, it 
secured the old ones. And that is no light praise, where a word, 
a look, a gesture, or even a smile changes votes ; not to lose is 
then to gain. The new settlers acted with the strictest impar- 
tiality — they divided their interest. The father had "know'd 
Jerry's father, and often heern tell of Jerry himself — and so he 
would never d'sart an old friend; but the son, "darn'd-his eyes 
(a peculiar kind of stitching) if he wouldn't go for Glenville; as 
cos he hisself was a young man, and so was tother — and as cos 
he'd give him a sort of start in his clearing, he's give him a sort 
of start as a public funkshune'er." And thus the balance of 
the power was adjusted to a nicety; and thus, also, if the new 
comers did neither party any good they did them no harm: pay 
enough for a hard day's work, considering. For, certainly, a 
wide difiference must appear between having nothing in your 
favour and tivo somethings against you, and so it was now ; hence 
John and Jerry felt (or at least said so) as much gratitude as if 
they had received not a negative quantity, but a positive favour. 

Complacent reader, I hope you never sneer at sovereignty ? 
Be well assured it can sneer at you, and always will, if you 
descend in any way to be a slave. Save yourself for a crisis — 
acquire reputation for honour and integrity — and the people 
will then call upon you. The present is the age of small bugs. 



SECOND YEAR 207 

The speech ended, and we were divided into Firing Committees 
to light the different piles: after which was to be a grand supper 
previous to going home. Very soon then at each heap, were 
assembled about half a dozen men, which in all directions were 
tearing, scampering, screeching, and yelling women, boys, girls, 
dogs and puppies — some carrying fire on clap-board shingles — 
some with remnants of burning niggering sticks — others with dry 
and blazing wood — and the canine helps, some with sticks and 
chips in their mouths, and some with the dead snakes and pole- 
cats, so that almost instantly and simultaneously fires were kindled 
in several parts of each, and every heap and pile throughout the 
whole clearing. Combustibles had been built in with the piles ; 
and now a gentle wind was fanning all into devouring flames. 
Yet, after the first sudden and crackling blaze, the fires sub- 
siding became, at a short distance, barely visible ; save in parts 
where dry logs had become quickly ignited, and there a taper- 
pointed intense flame, shooting up, would remain fixed a few 
seconds, and then trembling from its own gathering fury, it would 
rise higher and higher, and ever expanding its base as it elevated 
the apex. 

But by the time our feast was ended, and the shadows length- 
ening from the forest told the coming reign of darkness, a hundred- 
hundred fierce points of taper flame gleamed in wrath from 
every crevice, or darted from the dense clouds of black smoke ; 
and in many places, several points had united their bases, and 
were now in one broad fiery mass, careering in spiral columns of 
mingled darkness and light. Now fiercer winds were rushing into 
the vacuum. The equilibrium disturbed through an aerial cir- 
cumference of many leagues diameter, the storm spirits aroused 
and excited, came flying on the wings of a sudden earth born 
tempest ! ^ This augmented the number and intensity of the 
flames ; and these, augmented, invoked in their madness more 
furious winds, till a broad, deep and awful tide of air poured 
through the clearing, with the force and revengeful roar of the 
hurricane! and up leaped all the fires in frightful columns of 
pyramids of living flames quivering with wild wrath, and coiling, 

^ The very kind in which the Philadelphia Storm-king delights : but 
lie did not raise ours. 



2o8 SECOND YEAR 

like demon-serpents, around and up the mighty trees that 
sustained the pyres ! Here and there sheets of flame thrown 
forth horizontally, and seemingly by an intervening body of 
smoke, detached from the mass of fire, resembled clouds on fire 
and burning up from their own lightning! 

No breath of life could any longer be drawn in that field of 
fire ! It was abandoned as a wide tumultuating flood, where un- 
seen and dreadful spirits held a terrific revel amidst the roar, and 
crash, and thunder of flaming whirlwinds! 

Far and wide the forest was grandly illuminated ; and in re- 
turning home I often looked back and saw the noble trees at the 
pyres, tossing their mighty arms and bowing their spreading tops 
for mercy and succour — ay ! like beings sending forth cries of 
agony unheard in that fiery chaos ! Our home was several miles 
from this clearing, but the next night, on ascending the blufif 
on the creek, we could yet see in that quarter a lurid sky, and 
now and then fitful gleams of brightness; and even a week after, 
as I passed that clearing, the arena was yet smoking, although 
nothing remained of that part of the primeval forest, save heaps 
of ashes and a few blackened upright masses that for so many 
centuries had been the living bodies of the lately martyred trees ! 



CHAPTER XXVn. 

"A merrier man 
Within the limit of becoming mirth 
I never spent an hour's talk withal, 
So sweet and voluble is his discourse." 

Reader, will you be asked a question? 

"Certainly." 

Do you ever go to the post-office? 

"What a question !" 

Well, but are you thankful for a daily mail? 

"Pshaw! I never think about it." 

Just as I supposed. I was such a thoughtless person myself, 
once. Now, however, I am thankful to Uncle Samuel every 
time I walk to the post-office. 



SECOND YEAR 209 

In our part of the Purchase the nearest office to Glenville was 
at Spiceburgh, always nine miles off, sometimes two or three 
more. To that office the mail — if such may be called a dirty, 
famished, flapping, scrawny pair of little saddlebags, containing 
three or four letters in one end, and half a dozen newspapers in 
the other — the mail came regularly (in theory) once a month, till 
the Hon. J. Glenville exerted himself in favour of his constituents, 
and then it came very irregularly once in tzvo 2vceks. Sometimes 
there was an entire failure in the saddlebags' arrival. And this 
was occasioned by the clerk at Woodville office, who, whenever 
he discovered no letters for Spiceburgh retained the papers for 
private edification, and to be forwarded next mail : at least Josey 
Jackson, our post-master, said so. Sometimes our mail failed 
because of high waters; although our post-boy. Jack Adams, a 
spunky little chap, would often in such cases swim over : but 
then the half-starved wallet was twice washed away, and when 
recovered, the news in both letters and papers was too diluted 
and washy for any practical purpose. 

Reader, it was truly sickening, after waiting four endless weeks 
with the most exemplary impatience, and after toiling, not over, 
but through a road always nearly impassable, and when passable 
full of peril to learn that no mail would arrive till next month ; 
or what was even worse, that it had indeed come, but with only 
one letter, and that maybe for the Big-Bear-wallow settlement ! ^ 
The faint hope that sustained one in the lonely and wearisome 
path now became despair! and yet, all that wet, long, tangled way 
to repass ! and no mail again for four other hateful weeks ! No 
wonder we finally ceased from all correspondence, contenting 
ourselves with hiring a man, with a remnant of sole leather, to 
bring our newspapers when he could get them : which luckily he 
did as often as once in three months ! No wonder during all our 
western sojourn, if the world never heard of us: although in 
this we had a very ample revenge, as in that time, we heard 
nothing of the world, and I think, even cared less. 

But this autumn, I expected a letter from my old friend Clar- 
ence ; and so, on a delightful September morning, off I started, 

1 All things out there are big: if two things of the same name are to be 
distinguished, one is called big, and the other powerful big. 



210 SECOND YEAR 

confident of finding his letter. The road, also, was less bad, and 
with diligence we should get home about the middle of the after- 
noon. And Dick, too, was in high spirits ; for he always re- 
garded as a holiday, the exchange of the bark mill for such a 
jaunt; and he now trotted among the bottomland with voluntary 
and most uncommon speed till of a sudden the old fellow scented, 
or saw, or heard something which made him very fidgetty and 
uneasy. 

What could it be? Dick, it was known, had some finical ways, 
but he was now manifestly alarmed, and made some desperate 
attempts to wheel — when, sure enough, a strange figure emerged 
from the tall rank weeds into the road before us, and continued 
to move in front, and apparently never having noticed our ap- 
proach. This figure was undeniably human ; and yet at bottom 
it seemed a man, for there were a man's tow-linen breeches ; at 
top, a woman ; for there was the semblance of a short gown, and, 
indeed, a female kerchief on the neck, and a sun-bonnet on the 
head ! Then again the apparition wore enormous masculine 
leather boots, and under one arm carried a club ; although both 
of the hands seemed to be holding above the hips, rolls of woollen 
cloth, very much like a furled petticoat! Whether the afifair 
would turn out a man dressed in woman's upper articles, or a 
woman, in man's lower ones, was yet to be discovered. The 
suspense, however, was not long; for at the noise of Dick's 
sneezing (who saw how matters stood, and gave warning by way 
of delicacy), the hands of the figure instantly relaxed their hold 
on the linsey rolls and down dropped a sudden curtain all around 
over breeches and boots, in the shape of a veritable petticoat ! and 
before us walked a genuine daughter of the woods ! 

The universally favourite attire of females (indescribables) 
is not, we presume, to be traced to French milliners, male or 
female. It originated in the necessities of a new country, where 
women must hunt cows hid in tall weeds and coarse grass, in 
dewy or frosty mornings. And to that is owing brief frocks ; 
although out there, such when allowed to fall to the natural hang 
of the articles, shut from view the indescribables — or very nearly 
so. Dressed thus in the husband's boots as well as his thingamies 
(the limbs of which are worn as our fathers wore them within. 



SECOND YEAR 211 

and not without the boots), our fair lady this morning, bade de- 
fiance to wet grass, running briars, snake-bites, ticks, and all 
and every evil incident to cow-hunting! 

Of course we exchanged compliments on passing; but Dick 
was so dumb-founded at the miraculous transformation on the 
sudden fall of the screen, that he shyed and passed without a 
word: the truth is, I was all but frightened myself! 

I need not tell all the silly things that entered my mind at the 
thought of such an exhibition in certain places and assemblies — 
but I was fairly recovered on reaching Spiceburgh ; and the 
event had perhaps rather increased my good-nature, and encour- 
aged the hope of finding a long-expected letter. On approaching 
the cabin-office, and while hanging Dick to a gate post, a glimpse 
caught of Josey trying to escape out of a back door into the 
woods gave me a sudden pang ; for this was Josey's way of getting 
off, when there was no letters for his friends, and leaving the 
matter of explanation to his wife as he "naterally hated," he 
said, "to see folks so powerful disapinted." But I was too quick, 
and so hailed : 

"Hillo ! the house, Josey !" 

"Ah! hillo; how are you? come walk in — I was a sort of 
steppin round the other way — powerful fine day.'' 

"Very — Well, Josey, anything this time" ? 

"Well — there was three letters and some papers kim day afore 
yesterday — but I wan't in — and Polly, she put them away — and 
I ain't heern her say that thare was anything for your settlement 
up thare." 

"Why, Josey, one must be for me ; it can't be possible the let- 
ter, that a month ago was to be here, is not come this mail!" 

"Well — I should a sort a think one of them mought be the 
letter. Glenville's goin a-head most powerful in this part of 
the district — Jerry's a clever feller — but we go tother way down 
here: if Glenvile gits in, we'll try old Uncle Sam, and have the 
mail twice a month in these here diggins." 

"Yes, but if they manage no better at Woodville or some 
other place, we shall only be disappointed twice a month instead 
of once." 

"He! he! he! — yes — well, let's go back, Mr. Carltin, and take 
a look." 



212 SECOND YEAR 

Josey's wife now appeared en dishabille,' being occupied with 
her wash-tub in the space between the cabin and the kitchen ; 
when Josey, to prepare and smooth the way to my disappointment, 
said to his lady: 

"See here, Polly ! don't you think one of them thare three 
letters mought be for Mr. Carltin?" 

"Nan!" (she heard well enough.) 

"Don't you think one of them thare three letters what kim 
day afore yesterday, mought be for Mr. Carltin?" 

"Well, no, I don't jist exactly mind — (remember) — but I a 
sorter allow maybe perhaps two's for the Snake Run Sittlemint's 
folks" — (washing away as if the article was very hard to get 
clean) — "and tother was tuk out more nor an hour ago." 

"Which way, Mrs. Jackson," said I, eagerly, as a glimmer of 
hope arose — "which way did the person come — perhaps it was 
Tommy Robison, as I asked him the other day to call here, 
and " 

"Well — I kind a sorter think as maybe perhaps the man said 
the letter was hissin — and I actially seed him a readin on it !" 

"Well," said Josey, very tenderly — "let's go into the back 
room anyhow, and overhaul the bureau — maybe some how or 
nother we mought a overlooked last month — or may be arter all 
one of the two's yourn." 

The back room was a closet boxed off with poplar boards, 
its junctures pasted over with strips of deceased newspapers; 
and it held a bed for the postmaster and mistress, and — a bureau, 
of which two drawers were Uncle Sam's Cabinet, the top drawer 
for living letters and papers, the second (descending), for dead 
ones. Into this sanctum I was now invited out of compassion, 
with the privilege of rummaging for myself. 

First, then, the live drawer was jerked out, and Josey and 
myself began our search with great system and good judgment, 
collecting, as a preparatory step, all the living newspapers into 
one corner, and which amounted to nearly two dozens, two or 
three with envelopes and directions : the rest, naked, and thumbed 
and dying: — all destined I fear to the dead drawer. This com- 

- French, for being caught "in the suds." 



SECOND YEAR 213 

pleted, one letter only remained, instead of two, and that sure 
enough for — 

"Missus Widder Dolly Johnsin, head at Snake-Run — kere of 
her brother near Spiceburg" — {on one corner) — "case he's gone 
to Orleens, p. m., send it to the Widder herself." 

But what had become of the other letter? Josey here was 
much disturbed, as he knew it had not been called for. At my 
suggestion, a shaking of each newspaper was commenced, when 
pretty soon out tumbled the second one, — and that too, for Snake 
Run. A very scrutinizing search was next instituted under, and 
into, and around a half-knit stocking, and some little calico bags 
nearly full of squash or calabash, or cucumber seeds ; and even a 
square box half full of roasted store cofifee — but no chance letter 
for me could be discovered. I was about, therefore, to go away 
•much chagrined, when it occurred, that as a living letter had been 
concealed in a dying paper, maybe, a letter might have been buried 
alive among the defunct articles of the next drawer: and accord- 
ingly a request was made for a peep into that tomb. To this, 
Josey, after a momentary hesitation, replied : "Oh ! it's no use no 
how — still, if it will satisfy a feller crittur, let's have the over- 
haul :" — and with that forth came the repository of departed news 
written and printed, and with such a vengeance — (for it stuck a 
little) — that the dead things, many of them, bounced into the 
middle of the room, like criminals' carcasses when galvanized. 

Ah! painful sight! that drawer like other graves (in some 
cities) was too full! — it contained more than the living world! 
And the frightful way that papers and letters were huddled, 
must soon have killed a delicate and sensitive thing — a love letter, 
for instance, if by any mischance it had come down from the 
upper drawer alive ! Well, we rummaged — and jyhook — and 
tossed — and pitched for a good quarter of an hour, till out leaped 
a letter, — a real living letter — folded in a civilized way — and 
actually susperscribed : 

"Robert Carlton, Esq. 'Glenville Settlement, &c. &c." — and 
post-marked — "Princeton, N. J." 

Josey was, of course, completely mystified, and began twenty 
awkward apologies ; but, although not a little provoked, I was 
50 rejoiced at the resurrection of my letter, and Josey was so 



214 SECOND YEAR 

sorry, and after all, so clever a fellow, that he was cordially 
forgiven : ^ — and that, reader, argues me not spiteful. 

I now prepared to return home: and just then, a young chap 
rode by on his way to Johnson's store ; for Spiceburg was a large 
village, containing, first, Mr. Johnson's Store; second, a black- 
smith's establishment : and third, Josey Jackson's post-office, which 
last was also a tavern, and now becoming a kind of opposition 
store : although an opposition post-office would have been more 
serviceable, both to town and country. The chap named, im- 
mediately hailed me, and made a proposal for me to wait till he 
had done his purchases, when we could ride home in company. 
As Sam lived in an adjoining settlement, and I really wanted 
company (to say nothing of political news), — I readily agreed to 
wait, although we well knew it would be some hours before the 
bargains were concluded. 

In a New Purchase country, "going to store" is as much for 
recreation as business, and preparation is made as for any other 
treat or amusement. The store is, too, the place for news, re- 
cent and stale — for gymnastics, wrestling, pitching quoits, run- 
ning, — for rifle shooting — for story-telling, &c. — and hence, a 
purchaser's stay is not in direct ratio to his intended bargains, 
but rather in the inverse ; a fellow having only six cents to spend, 
will sometimes lounge in and around a store for six hours ! Nor 
must even that be wholly imputed to the fellow's idleness. It is 
in part, owing to his unwillingness to part with — cash ; and when 
it is considered how very difficult it was then, and maybe now, in 
the New Purchase to get hold of "silver," then it will appear that 
to lay out even a fippenny-bit must have become a matter for very 
solemn reflection, and very lengthy chaffering. In my time, 
rarely indeed, could two cash dollars be seen circulating together- 
and having then no banks, and being suspicions of all foreign 
paper, we carried on our operations almost exclusively by trade. 
For goods, store-keepers received the vast bulk of their pay in 
produce, which was converted into cash at Louisville, Cincinnati, 
or more frequently at New-Orleans. The great house of Glen- 
ville and Carlton paid for all things in — leather. Hence, oc- 

^ My friend, R. Carlton, was not at all influenced by the consideration 
that Josey intended" to vote for Glenville. C. Clarence. 



SECOND YEAR 215 

casionally when a wood-chopper must have shoes and yet had no 
produce, but offered to pay in "chopping," we, not needing that 
article, and being indebted to several neighbours who did, used 
to send the man and his axe as the circulating medium in demand 
among our own creditors, to chop out the bills against us. In- 
deed, it was out there some wise statesmen of hard currency 
memory, learned to do without banks, and therefore, wished to 
let the neighbours in here have a taste of their experience : although 
cash seems difficult to find anywhere, for we of the New Pur- 
chase supposed the scarcity owing to the non-existence of banks,' 
while we of the Old Purchase, attribute the scarcity to their 
existence. For my part, I must ever think the leather currency 
better than the mere paper one ; and that the latter although not 
so often tramped under foot as the other, yet still more de- 
serves it. 

My friend Sam to-day had come to town with two silver-fip- 
penny-bits, and a roll of tow linen ; and he intended to buy four 
panes of glass, 8 by lo's, half a pound of store-coffee, eighth of a 
pound of store-tea, one quarter pound of gunpowder, and a pound 
of lead: also, if they could be got cheap, a string of button moles 
and a needle. Sam prided himself on being a hard hand at a 
bargain, and Mr. Johnson, I well knew, although an honest man, 
was a prudent dealer and, therefore, I determined to remain in 
the store and witness the trading. The colloquy opened thus, 
after Sam had deposited his roll of linen on the counter: 

"Well, Johnson, you don't want no tow linen to-day, 1 allow 
— do you?" 

'Tf 'tis good. What do you want for it?" 

'T allow to take half trade and half silver as near about as we 
can fix it." 

"Sam, you're joking — we don't give cash for anything but 
pork and lard." 

'■'That's powerful stingy — well, what's this piece worth — it's 
powerful fine." 

"This;" (examining) — 'tis pretty good — 'tis worth ten cents 
in silver. We give twelve in trade." 

"Ketch a duck asleep! — if that 'ere tow linen thare aint worth 
fifteen cents in store-tea or coffee ither, I'll bet old Nan — (his 



2i6 SECOND YEAR 

rifle) — again two-shot gun! Howe'er I'll track round a little — I 
wants any how to go over to the post-office, maybe thare's a 
paper come." 

Now this, reader, was all gum ; Sam could not read a word. 
He intended this as a threat to deal in the opposition store, and 
Mr. Johnson so understood it: in fact he had anticipated such a 
move, and for that purpose had underrated the linen, intending 
to raise the true value as if induced so to by Sam's superior 
dexterity, by which the linen would be secured and his customer 
pleased. And therefore, Mr. J. thus answered : 

"Sam ! Sam ! you're a hard Christian : but I've large payments 
at Louisville, and you've been a pretty good customer, and a 
cent or so aint much — and rather than let you go to Josey's, I'll 
give you thirteen cents." 

Now this Sam thought just one cent higher than the linen was 
worth ; yet it was in reality precisely half a cent less — and that 
other half cent Johnson intended finally to give him. Hence 
when Sam replied, "Well ! I raythur allow as maybe perhaps 
Josey would a sorter give fourteen cents ; but I don't like to 
d'sart old friends, and so says I, jist gimme thirteen and a half 
cents, and it's trade!" it was what Mr. Johnson was prepared to 
hear. Accordingly, after affecting to consult a book of prices, 
(I think it was an old counting-house almanac) and after figur- 
ing away at the double rule of three in vulgar fractions, at all 
which Sam stared as at a magical operation, Johnson at last 
looked up, and scratching his head, said: — 

"Let's see — eight-sixteenths is four-eighths, and that is one 
half — and half is two-fourths — and five per cent — and tow linen 
at a discount — why, Sam, you'll break a fellow some day or 
other — still I can't lose more than a fraction of a cent on a yard, 
and I must not let you go to Josey's. Well, I'll give thirteen and 
a half, and it's a bargain. Now, what will you have?" 

"Well, I'm goin to see how the new skow's comin on — and 
you may measure the linen till I get back, and then we'll take it 
out in something or nuther." 

And with that away went Sam, leaving Mr. Johnson to meas- 
ure off the piece ; for while he affected to fear the storekeeper 
would cheat him in price, he never dreamed that he would either 



SECOND YEAR 217 

lessen the number of yards or miscalculate the sum in his own 
favour. Nor was his confidence abused, for Johnson was an 
honest man, and had only used indirection to come at the true 
price, because of Sam's perverse sagacity in bargains. I did not, 
however, stay to watch the measurement, but buying a sheet of 
foolscap, I retired to a back room where I answered Clarence's 
letter, so unexpectedly rescued from the dead, giving him among 
other matters a condensed statement of its resuscitation. 

It was a full hour before Sam's return ; and then the ([uantum 
suff. of tea, cofifee, glass, &c. being furnished, the balance of trade 
was found against him, and he owed the store precisely nine and 
a quarter cents. In lieu of this Mr. J. offered to take one of 
Sam's silver fips, which although a liberal discount in Sam's favour 
he regarded as right down Jewish usury ; and the storekeeper was 
obliged to book the nine and a quarter cents, to be paid in "sang." 
Nor was this conduct of Sam's so very surprising, when it is 
recollected that for one hundred and twenty-five cents could be 
bought a whole acre of land ! bottom land ! trees ! spice bush ! 
papaws ! and all : hence to ask for six and a fourth cents, was 
asking a pretty good slice off an acre ! Sam was, therefore, really 
indignant. 

He now was getting ready to start home, when spying a spring 
of button-moles, he remembered he was to buy a fip'sworth ; and 
supposing a prime bargain was to be had for cash, he proposed to 
pay right down one of his silver pieces for the half of the string, 
worth in all twenty-five cents. 

"Come now," said he, "Mr. Johnson, here's the silver cash 
money, right slam smack down, for one half jist of that 'ere 
leetle bit of a string — " 

"Oh ! no, Sam, we can't go that — I'll give you so far," replied 
Johnson, measuring a minor third. 

"Well — I've traded a most powerful piece of linin here this 
mornin — and I'll be teetotally darned if I won't try Josey, and 
see if he won't give me more moles for silver cash money." 

Our storekeeper well knew Josey had no moles, and so after 
a feint to retain a customer, he let him go; but no sooner had 
he got out of hearing, than our merchant took down his string of 
moles, and laughing as he slipped off nearly half into a drawer, he 



2i8 SECOND YEAR 

said to me, "Sam will be back directly, and then I mean to sell 
him a little more than the worth of his fip." He then suspended 
the diminished string in its former place, and shortly after Sam 
came back, and began : — 

"Well, I don't like, arter all, to d'sart old friends, and so says 
I, jist gimme one half of that darn'd leetle string — for it's time me 
and Mr. Carltin was making tracks home." 

"Ah ! Sam, how shall we live these hard times ? but I suppose 
if I must, I must — so down with your dust. And here's a full 
half — and now take which end you like." 

Sam chose ; and then the dealer stripped off the half, amount- 
ing to a good eight cents' worth ; while our man of cash pulled 
out a small dirty deer skin pouch, and untying its mouth, he 
emptied all the contents on the counter, viz : two silver fips, three 
"chaw'd bullits," a damaged rifle wiper, four inches of pigtail 
tobacco, and three worn gun-flints. But he was evidently yet 
scarcely determined to part with his cash ; for he took up first 
one and then the other fip, apparently more than once about to 
return both to the pouch, and offer more "sang:" till at length, 
believing he had got nearly double as many moles as he could 
obtain for "trade," he handed over, with the air of one making 
another's fortune, the worse looking and more worn fippenny 
bit and then the other articles, together with the button-holes, 
being put into the pouch along with the widowed fip, he was ready 
to ride, and we in a few moments more were on our way home. 

My comrade was in high glee at the way in which he "had 
make it off o' Johnson," i. e., the way he had just got the worth of 
his money, and which the storekeeper would have readily given 
him at once, without so much plague to his customer's wits, if 
Sam's own dexterity had not seemed to make the indirection 
necessary. I too was in high glee, hoping to secure an additional 
vote for our candidate; and we, therefore, jogged along very 
harmoniously. Nay, as it was now becoming dark, I yielded to 
a proposal for the sake of company, to go all the way round by the 
Indian grave, that being the proper path to Sam's settlement. 
This reminds me of my promised tale of the Indian grave ; to 
which, after ending the present chapter with a pleasant little ad- 
venture of our own this night, the next chapter will be devoted. 



SECOND YEAR 219 

Not long after our quitting the three blazes, and turning into 
the unblazed trace at the grave, it became quite dark ; and we 
were compelled to ride in Indian file, Dick and myself in the 
van, Sam and his quadruped in the rear. Be it remembered, part 
of his purchase was (or were ?) four small panes of glass, intended 
to illuminate their new cabin, and make its native darkness visible 
in the day. A sort of window had, indeed been made by skipping 
a log in the erection; but our friends had begun to be richer, and 
it had been lately voted to have a sash of four lights at ten cents 
each, it being most specially for this, the twelve yards of tow- 
cloth had been woven, and this very day sold at Spiceburgh. 
And, even now. Sam, the eldest son, twenty-one years old last 
Spring, was actually riding homeward with the long coveted glass, 
done up in two sheets of coarse demi-paper, and tied across two 
ways, with strong pack-thread — yes, all safe under his arm ! 

More than once during the afternoon had he introduced the 
subject of glass and windows and every conversation would be- 
gin and end with a self-complacent, and rather lofty look at the 
articles under his arm — the glass by which their cabin was to 
be elevated in the scale of architecture,* and the family established 
among the forest aristocracy ! Once or twice as we passed an old 
cabin without a sash window, Sam would commence — 

"Mr. Carltin, I allow this here glass here of ourn's near about 
the right size — aint it?" 

"I think so." 

"Well — it will look a sort a powerful — hey?" 

"Very — we had a sash made last summer and it helps matters 
poiuerfnl." 

"He! he! he!" — (a giggle of exquisite satisfaction — like the 
cackle of a hen that has laid a new agg, or the mild squawking 
of geese just emerging into the dusty road from a hole in a grain 
field fence) — "he! he! he! — Mr. Carltin, ain't it a sort a funny 
them ere settlers what's been in the Purchus longer nor us ain't 
got no sashes? — I allow, it looks a sort a idle in 'em." 

But now as we rode in the dark a fire suddenly gleamed from 

* Cabins are at first dark, like Grecian temples : afterwards, when sashed, 
they enjoy a religious and dim light like Gothic cathedrals — especially if 
two glasses are oiled paper. 



220 SECOND YEAR 

the crevices of a cabin, upon which, Sam with wonderful anti- 
cipative exuhation halloed from the rear — 

"Hillow ! Mr. Carltin — that's Bill Tomsin's cabin! — what a most 
powerful heap of shine his 'ere fire would make through this 
here glass of ourn if they was all in a winder " 

To this Mr. C. made no reply, for, at the instant his neigh- 
bour's thoughtless, blundering brute ^ of a horse tripped over a 
root on his nose ! and away went his rider, not indeed out of 
the saddle, but ofif from the blanket, his only saddle ! and alas ! 
alas ! away went the brittle eight by ten's ! and in spite of the forty 
cents paid in tow linen, in spite of Sam's chagrin and almost super- 
human efiforts to save them, in spite of the woful disappointment 
of the expectants at home, the whole four panes, were all and 
each, and every, so cracked and broken as to defy all emenda- 
tions from dough or putty ! Yes ! in one short moment, and 
that a moment of triumph, all visions were dissipated — visions of 
a window from without, and visions through one from within ! 

Poor Sam ! he was not hurt by the fall : although, I do believe 
for a moment he wished it had been his arm and not the glass. 
And certainly, had I not been present, he would have abused his 
unlucky horse in very irreverent terms, calling him as it was : — 

"A most powerful rottin darn'd ole carrin — for to go to 
stumblin and smashin glass that 'are away ! !" 

I tried to console my neighbor in the most approved way, by 
telHng misfortunes of my own, and at last did bring on a faint 
laugh — (much like one person makes in trying not to cry) — ^by 
narrating the fall of our waiter of glasses but still, forty cents 
worth of good tow-linen was no trifle for folks in my comrade's 
humble circumstance to lose; and I did so pity him to say if he 
would ride home with me, we would give him an extra pane pro- 
cured to mend our own sash in case of accident, and also, three 
sheets of paper, which, when oiled and fixed according to direc- 
tions, would answer almost as well as glass itself. This cheered 
him up a good deal ; and on reaching Uncle John's, a search was 
instituted, and to our great satisfaction two panes were discovered, 
which were both cordially bestowed on our friend ; and also two 
sheets of foolscap, with directions how to oil or grease and paste 

^ Terms applicable to common horses — not to Dick. 



SECOND YEAR 221 

them on the sash, and to secure, by two strings diagonally fas- 
tened, or as he better understood it — "katterkorner'd-like." 

Sam never forgot this small kindness. Hence, as you may 
easily think, reader, not only did he vote our way, but he became 
an active and rather violent partizan in electioneering, every- 
where giving, too, a magnific version of the glass and paper 
story. Nay, on the election day he overheard a person saying 
to another — "Yes, John Glenville's well enough — if he hadn't 
stuck up folks around him — and that brother-in-law of hissin, 
Carltin's a reel 'ristekrat — and hates poor folks like pisin:" — 
upon which what does Sam do. but forthwith strip off his coat 
and break in with his doubled fists as follows : — 

"See! here, I say, mister! you're a most powerful darn'd liar! 
now jist shut up — 'cos case you jist go for to say that say agin — 
if I don't row you up salt crick in less nor no time, my name's not 
Sam Townsend." 

Happily, my complimentary neighbour had no wish for that 
pleasant little excursion — "up crick," and no further disturbance 
ensued. I would merely add, that passing Sam's cabin a few 
days after his mishap, I had the pleasure of seeing the sash in 
its place, with two glasses in the lower tier and two papers in 
the upper: and to be sure the papers were sufficiently greased; 
indeed, so well, as to keep out light as well as water and air; 
although, in spite of our use of "diagonal," and its being rendered 
into popular language, "katterkorner'd-like," the strings were 
inclined to perpendiculars to the sides, and crossed each other 
almost at right angles, and not very far from the centre. 



CHAPTER XXVni. 

" neque semper arcum 

Tendit Apollo." 
"Pleasure after Pain." 

When the Indian tribe were departing from the New Pur- 
chase, a distinguished chieftain had suddenly died, and been 
buried in aboriginal style in the spot known in our settlements 
as the Indian grave. That spot I could never pass without feeling 



222 SECOND YEAR 

myself on hallowed ground, often contemplating the scene with 
indescribable emotion — ay, more than once with unbidden tears. 
The burial place itself was a beautiful natural mound, abrupt on 
the side towards the county road, but otherwise of a regular 
shape and gradual swell, being hardly indeed supposed a mound 
on the approach by the Glenville path. On the summit of this 
mound was the grave. It was inclosed by a fence of small logs 
covered with poles : while a rough post carved with Indian hier- 
oglyphics and its point or top painted red, marked with the 
warrior's head rested. 

This place was too far from Glenville for a walk, and we 
never hunted in that direction, but, even when hurrying on a 
journey, as I rode by, I could not pass till I paused some moments 
to gaze, and with a melancholy soul, on this resting place of the 
savage king; and with the most profound sadness and shame, 
after learning that this wild and lonely and regal grave had been 
violated ! 

Around that grave had stood a band of exiles and houseless 
wanderers — children of the forest ! Trusting to the white man's 
faith, they had asked a few yards of earth, where but the day 
before the whole mighty wilderness had been theirs — a few 
yards where they might lay in his rest their chief, their lawgiver, 
their father ! Yes ! yes ! their bitter agony of the soul had been 
felt, although proudly, perhaps sternly concealed. Mournful 
enough to bury a king and a patriarch in a borrowed grave yet 
was it some alleviation that he was to lie in no dishonoured 
ground! If there was sadness, there was grandeur too, in the 
thought, that his was the only grave, and that it made venerable 
and sanctuary-like so large a forest space! — ay, that for long 
years to come white men's children would point and say, "Behold" 
that little mound yonder! — that is the grave of Blue Fire! — 
the mighty Indian warrior and chief !" That grave would remain 
a monument, speaking to successive generations of the pale faces 
and saying — "This was all once the red man's land !" 

What would that tribe of mourning warriors have felt? what 
would they not have done, had some fierce and proud apparition 
from their spirit-land, revealed that the base sons of white men 
would despoil that grave of its treasure, even before the impress 



SECOND YEAR 223 

of the departing exiles' feet should be covered by the fall of the 
coming autumn's leaves? Yet so it was. Reader! the poor 
Indian is often cursed for his indiscriminate massacres — has he 
no provocation? Do not civilized and nominal Christian men, 
with deadly weapons, watch near the sepulchres of their fathers 
and sons to wreck sudden vengeance on the robbers of the tomb? 
And dare we condemn the poor, hunted, defrauded Indian, who, 
finding his father's grave desecrated and rifled, cools the phrenzy 
rage of his burning soul in a bath of white man's blood? 

Once on my way to Timberopolis, I sat gazing and dreaming 
on my horse, near that sad mound ; when, not without an emotion 
of fear, I saw appear a large party of mounted Indians, going, 
as it afterwards was discovered, to visit the Potawatamies living 
on a reservation in the north. The party did not halt at the grave, 
as probably they would have done, if no pale face had been there 
to notice: if they had, although no sign apparently could lead to 
the discovery that the sacred deposit was gone, yet should I have 
felt, if not afraid, yet truly ashamed. Our way being for several 
hours in their direction, we often passed and repassed one an- 
other, and occasionally I rode among the party, and held a con- 
versation with a half breed that could use a little English — till at 
last, they encamping on the bank of the beauteous and silvery 
river, once their own ! we parted — my way leading across the 
stream and their path still further up on its bank. I felt a 
strange wish to plunge with them into the dark, tangled wilds of 
that vast forest, where no white man yet lived — so strong is the 
love of the uncivilized in some hearts ! 

But to our story. Several years prior to our arrival in the 
Purchase, two young men, whose youth and ignorance is their 
best apology, students of Dr. Sylvan's, on hearing of the burial 
of Blue Fire, determined so soon as the Indians should resume 
their march for the Mississippi, to take up the body; partly for 
anatomical purposes and partly out of rash boldness: for some 
nerve was necessary to the work, while many lagging Indians 
were yet straggling in the woods. And unhappily for our honour 
they succeeded but not until after a very remarkable interruption 
and temporary defeat. And that defeat is my story. It shall be 
given, however, in the words of the renowned "Hunting-Shirt- 



224 SECOND YEAR 

Andy," the leader of the party that terrified the resurrectionists, 
and almost to insanity, and from whose lips we ourselves received 
the narrative. 

Be it premised, that at the time of our story, not more than three 
cabins were between Woodville and the river; that on their side 
the river, the nearest house from the grave (on our side), was 
more than three miles, and beyond a wide bayou and marsh, — it 
being absolutely necessary in passing and repassing to and from 
Woodville to cross the river/ In many places were fords, and 
near them also dangerous holes from four to six feet deep ; and 
into these, not only inexperienced travellers, but even we 
neighbourhood people often plunged ; and hence escape from 
them to a terrified man running from savages would be almost 
miraculous. On ouf side, the cabin nearest the grave was two 
miles up the river, so that if any Indians came unexpectedly 
upon the young fellows, they would be in hazard of meeting a 
pretty summary vengeance — and not, I must say, wholly un- 
undeserved. 

Our narrator was called Hunting-Shirt-xA.ndy, mainly because 
he lived like an Indian, and always wore a very wonderful leather 

1 In his letters to Nunemacher, the New Albany publisher, in 1855, 
when the second edition of the New Purchase was being negotiated, Hall 
speaks of the Glenville settlement as being "about three miles east of 
Gosport in Monroe county." If that were the case, White River (the 
"Shiney") would not be between Woodville (Bloomington) and Glen- 
ville, as this passage seems to indicate. According to this passage, "our 
side" of the river (Glenville) must have been north or west of Gosport 
in Owen county. John M. Young (Glenville) was elected to the legisla- 
ture for the counties of Owen and Green, and this fact would seem to 
prove that Glenville Settlement was in Owen county west of the river. 
From Bloomington to White river is a distance of sixteen miles and it is 
difficult to believe that at so late a period only three cabins could have 
been found within that distance. But it is to be remembered that this 
story came down from an earlier period than Hall's residence in the 
Purchase and that the first settlers, amid dangers from the Indians, lived 
in settlements and not on isolated farms, though isolated cabin squatters 
were found here and there, remote from all other dwellers. The events 
narrated in "Hunting-Shirt-Andy's" story, however, could not have been 
earlier than 1819 when Dr. David H. Maxwell moved to Bloomington. 
Gov. P. C. Dunning and James Maxwell, the Doctor's "nevy," (see the 
Key) could not have been his medical students earlier than that. 



SECOND YEAR 225 

hunting shirt — (his second hide or skin) — most curiously frilled, 
and elaborately ornamented with bits of skin, birds' and beasts' 
claws, and porcupine quills dyed red, and green, and yellow; 
and also to distinguish him from his second cousin White-Andy, so 
named because he lived like the rest of us civilized woodsmen in 
a cabin. The story was given in Uncle John's cabin, at the united 
request of myself and the others, and is as follows: — 

Hunting-Shirt-Andy's Story. 

"Well, Mistur Carltin, if you reely wants to hear about them 
two young fellers, I don't kere to tell about that Blue Fire scrape ; 
but case you put it in your book, don't let on about thare namses — 
as the doctor's nevy is a most powerful clever feller and tended 
me arter in the agy, and charged me most nuthin at all, although 
he kim more nor once all the way over more nor twenty miles — 
and the tother one what got most sker'd, is a sort of catawampus, 
(spiteful) and maybe underhand wouldn't stick to do you a mis- 
chief if he thought you made a laff on him. — albeit, he's been 
laffed at a powerful heap afore. 

"Well, we heern the two was a comin to git up Blue Fire, and 
bile him for a natumy, as they call'd it ; and all us neighbours was 
powerful mad about it; as cos couldn't they allow the poor Injin 
to lay in his grave; and as cos the Injins still a sort a squattin 
and campin round, mought hear on it, and it mought n't be so good 
for folk's consarns then. And so we talks over the thing, and 
allowed we'd make the chaps let Blue Fire lay; and so, says I to 
Bill Roland, Bill, says I, let's you and me make on to be Injins, 
and skere them doctur fellers ; and don't let them go for to bile 
the poor red savage for the natumy. Agreed, says Bill, and then 
we goes and gits ole man Ashford, and fixes up like reel gineine 
Injins, and paints our faces red and clean up our arms, away up 
here (showing), and all on us gits on blankits and leggins and 
moksins, and teetotally greases our hair back so — slick-like, and 
I gits a bit of tin round my hat, and we takes our tomhoks and 
rifles and puts off and lies hid near the grave. 'Twas just thare, 
Mr. Carltin, along by the black walnut stump what I cut down 
the very next day arter for rails for Bill Tomsin's yard. Well, 
thare we all on us lays down in the bushes on our beUies, a little 



226 SECOND YEAR 

over fifty yards from the grave ; for we know'd the young fellers 
was to come at sich a time ; cos they kim to Squire Brushwood's 
the night afore ; and the Squire he sends up his little gal to ole 
man Ashford's afore sun-up to sort a let us know: and so we was 
all ready when what should we spy a comin but the two young 
doctor chaps with a couple of hossis, and a meal-bag, and a spade, 
and a hoe. 

"Well, we lays teetotally still, and they goes fust and fassens 
their hossis to the swinging branch of that thare sugar west o' 
the place, and then goes and begins a takin down the pen, and 
when they gits it down, they off's coats and begins a diggin like 
the very divil.- And jist then we raises up a sort a on our knee- 
ses ; and all draws a bead at that knot in that thare beech at the 
tail ind of the grave; I'll show you the knot any day, and you'll 
see its more nor half a foot good above their heads when they 
stood up agin the beech, although they arterwards tried to make 
the knot out only two inches above their heads ; and then I gives 
a leetle bark, like a growling Injin — and up they pops both on 'em, 
right under the beech, and looks about most powerful skittish, 
and then we lets fly three balls crack-wack right into the knot, 
and makes bark peel right sharp in that 'are quarter ; and then 

out jumps we and raises the yell, with tomhoks agoin to fling " 

At this very moment our narrator was interrupted by a terrific 
burst of thunder, which shook our cabin with much violence, and 
caused the dry clay of the chinking to curl up in dust around us 
like smoke ! To persons shut up from the view of the horizon, it 
had seemed a very fair afternoon early in July; but while we 
listened to Andy, a single cloud surcharged with lightning came 
over our clearing, and using a tall tree within a few yards of 
our cabin as conductor, it had darted its fiery bolt, which shivered 
the tree into pieces, and filled us with a momentary, yet very in- 
tense fear: and then, it rapidly passing, our few rods of sky was 
clear and brilliant as before. After a short and revereful pause, 
Andy resumed : — 

"That's a most mighty powerful big clap of thunder, and most 
mighty near ! but it's not a bit more skery than our bullits above 
them two young doctors' heads and the reel Injiny yells us three 

- Soft way of swearing out there. 



SECOND YEAR 227 

screeched out! The way they drops tools and made tracks was 
funny, Mr. Carltin, I tell you! You see! I've seed runnin in my 
days that's sartin — but if them chaps didn't git along as if old 
Sattin was ahind 'em, then I allow I never killed no deer, and 
that would be a wapper! 

"Well — they divides, and the doctor's nevy, he tuk strate up 
stream ; and ole man Ashford and Bill, they pretends they was a 
follerin him — howsom'er they couldn't a ketch'd up no how — 
and so the nevy he runs clare up two miles and gits safe into 
Pete's shanty on the bottum, and sker'd Pete hisself so powerful 
he was afeer'd to come down, till we sends up and lets Pete into 
the secret. 

"But tother chap, he was so sker'd he didn't see where he 
runn'd, and kept right study ahead slash through weeds and 
briars to the river — and me slam smack arter him, as cos I was 
af reed he'd run in and git drownded ; for thar's where the water 
is deepish, and jist about where you swim'd your boss, Mr. Carl- 
tin — and so I runs and hollers like a screechowl — 'stop! — doctur! 
— staw-ii-iip !' But the more I hollers, the more he legs it; case 
he was more nor ever sker'd to hear a Injin holler Inglish — 
Graminy! Mr. Carltin, if he didn't make brush crack and streak 
off like a herd of buffalo ! — and me all the time a keepin arter, as 
I was sentimentally afeer'd now he'd git drownded ; but, darn 
my leather shirt! — (Andy zvoiild put this profane stitch into his 
shirt when he was excited) — darn my leather shirt, if arter all I 
could make him stop ; and in he splasht'd kerslush, like a hurt 
buffalo bull, and waded and swim'd and splash'd and scrabbled 
even ahead rite strate across and up tother bank — when he stops 
for the f urst time to blow and takes a look back ! And then he 
sees me a standin on our side and without no gun, a bekenin on 
him to stop ; for I was too powerful weak a laffin to holler any 
more — ^but darn my leather shirt, if the blasted fool didn't set off 
agin like a tarrified barr, and wades clean in all through the bio ! 
and the buttermilk slash tother side ! and never stopt again till he 
kim to the three mile cabin ! and thare he tells them as how the 
In j ins had all got back agin, and had killed tother doctur and tuk 
his skulp ! ! And you may naterally allow, Mr. Carltin, the hull 
settlement over thare was a sort a sker'd and sent out scouts and 



228 SECOND YEAR 

hunters to see: but when it was found how it all was ezactly, 
then if they warn't a mighty powerful heap of laffin, I never 
kill'd no deer. 

"Howsever the Doctor's nevy was good pluck; for he gits an- 
other chap to help, and two days arter when we warn't a watchin, 
he digs out the poor Ingin and tootes him over to Woodville, and 
biled him up for a natumy for their shop arter all — and so that's 
the hull story, Mr. Carltin; — but I must be a sorter goin. EH 
fetch that jerked vensin about next week — and them 'are deer 
skins: — ^but afore I starts, wont you jist play us a toone on that 
flute of yourn, Mr. Carltin ?" 

"Most certainly, Andy — Ell play you a dozen if you can stay, — 
what will you have ?" 

"Well ! — let's see — thare's one I don't mind it's name now — but 
a powerful toone; I heard Mr. Johnsin fiddlin on it at Spiceburgh 
— but there's somethin about river in it, and it was talkin of the 
young doctur's splunge, made me think of the toone." 

"Was it this, Andy?"— (Mr. C. plays.) 

"That's him ! that's the dentikul toone ! — let's see — what do you 
call him?" 

"Over the river to Charlie." And accordingly this "powerful 
toone" was done now in first rate double-shuffle style, with very 
curious extempore variations, and very alarming embellishments ; 
while all the time Andy patted the puncheons with his moccasin'd 
feet, and seemed barely able to refrain from leaping up and danc- 
ing ; till the music ending, he remarked : — 

"le! lo! darn my leather shirt if I didn't know 'twas river 
somethin! — and by jingo, Mr. Carltin, if you don't jist about 
know the sling of it, about as good as Mr. Johnsin — and maybe 
a leetle bit better — and the way he makes it hum on the fiddle ! — 
I tell you what ! ! Well, well, — I must be goin, but I should like 
to stay and git you to play that 'ere meetin toone, Pisger, — 
(Pisgah, a great favourite then with our religious world, but 
which had better been named, Gumsnorter^) — but I can't stop — 
Em ofif — good-bye, folks." 

And ofif he was sure enough ; while I treated him during his 
exit with Yankee-doodle. And this compliment Andy felt so 

3 Unless classic musicians prefer that, or a like term for the genus. 



SECOND YEAR 229 

much, that he began capering, and yelping, and tossing his 
legs and arms, till he reached our bars, which he cleared like a 
bounding buck at a flying leap : but within the bushes beyond he 
paused a moment, and gave first, an Indian grunt and bark, and 
then such a yell ! — it rung in my ears for twenty- four hours ? Then 
once more he leaped away, shaking the bushes, scattering old 
leaves, making brush crack, and at the same time screaming out — 
"Sta-up, doctur ! — sta-a-aup !" in all which he designed a scenic 
exhibition of his late story; playing like other celebrated actors 
different parts, first, his own Indian character, and secondly, the 
flight of the young doctor. 

Reader! — do you believe life is all moping in the West? Now 
be well assured we have other recreations there than going to 
church — the only one certain hie vel haec English tourists grant 
to us and never use themselves ! 



CHAPTER XXIX. 

"Quack! Quack!! Quack ! !" 

Vide Voices of Natural History. — Vol. X. 

Not many weeks after Hunting-shirt-Andy's visit, a very great 
and yet very little stranger, for some time expected, arrived at 
Glenville. Her name not before, but after this arrival, was Eliza- 
beth Carlton : and she bounced in among us, after all, by surprise, 
and about two o'clock one morning. A curious figure somewhere 
had been missed, and the young lady gave an unexpected notice in 
some mysterious way of her intention to join our colony, precise- 
ly one week too soon : a common case I am informed with all that 
have the right of primogeniture ; others, are better arithmeticians. 

It had been arranged that our worthy friend Dr. Sylvan of 
Woodville, should honour Glenville with a visit on this occasion : 
but now, about nine o'clock, p. m., Dick was scampering away at 
the nominal rate of six miles per hour, towards Spiceburgh, with 
a pressing invitation for the company of the learned Professor 
Pillbox, a member of the faculty, and who boarded with our 
friend Josey, P. M.^ This change of medical gentlemen arose 

1 Let no one think Josey was P. M. in both senses : the sentence might 
have been altered to prevent this injurious mistake, but it was found 
easier to add a note. 



230 SECOND YEAR 

from the urgency of the case, as Spiceburgh was not so far as 
Woodville. No one in this very enlightened era can possibly 
think we trusted Dick to deliver the request — (although if a 
four-legged being could have done so, Dick was he or it) — but 
still, to prevent misapprehension and the sarcasm of the increas- 
ing critical acumen of the times, we now state that John Glen- 
ville went with Dick; and hence, about three o'clock in the morn- 
ing, they returned, having secured the professor and another 
horse. 

This person — (of course, the doctor) — not being honoured 
with any other skin or parchment than the one he was born in, we, 
like the Great Unknown, the North American College of Health 
of Yankeysville, do, by the native right of every white-born 
American, our ownselves dignify with the title of Professor. 
And never was title more appropriate, as he professed even more 
than Brandreth's Pills ! He could cure warts ! — eradicate corns ! 
— remove pimples ! — and obliterate moles and freckles. He knew 
how to destroy beards so as to prevent shaving — and how to 
fertilize the most barren skull till it would produce a large crop 
of black hair, in case you preferred that to red, yellow, or flaxy ! 
Ay, he had never-failing remedies for fevers of every type, grade, 
and colour — intermittent, remittent, nonitent, bilious, antibilious, 
rebellious, red, saffron and yellow ! Hence, the Professor utterly 
and most indignantly scouted Thompsonianism and all other loud- 
screaming quackeries of our quacking epoch: — and setting the 
highest value on number one, he cared not for number six. 

His language, in bold contrast to his figure, was by that very 
comparison heightened in its magniloquence ; we mean his medi- 
cal diction, for other he rarely indulged in, because language about 
common affairs was too small for his large utterance. His were 
lofty words, and demanded a lofty subject ; and that his profession 
was, and admitted an amazing technical grandiloquence. Pro- 
fessor Pillbox, M.D., was exactly one yard, one foot and ten 
inches — low. The Professor's horse, on the contrary, was re- 
markably high, large and spirited. When, therefore, the Pro- 
fessor was seated on his saddle, and safely ensconced between two 
hugeous leathern cartouch-boxes made for bottles, barks, lint, 
forceps, &c., and above all, for the pills and powders, and the like 



SECOND YEAR 231 

cartridges, for his principal execution, he seemed not dissimilar 
to a monkey-shaped excrescence growing to the back of the steed ! 
Now his modus loquendi was truly gigantic ! and not only did he 
always spout forth the hardest technicalities, but even these laden 
with additimentalities and elongated elaborifications of sesqui- 
pedalia: which last he would freely have bought of us if not for 
silver, yet for trade and in exchange for what he always styled 
his "medicamentums !" 

Poultices, with Professor Pillbox, were always cataplasms — and 
the patient who had only barked his shins, was always greatly 
terrified on hearing that "there was manifest symptomatic mani- 
festations through the outer exterior epidermis of his having in- 
fracted the tibia !" — for the poor wretch at once gave over his legs 
as ruined after that awful sentence on them! Doses of salts were 
never mixed with water and swallowed in our Professor's prac- 
tice, but he "prepared an aquatical solution of the sulphate of 
magnesia, and then — exhibited it !" — i. e. made the patient look 
at it before he drank. In this way the disagreeable taste was 
properly increased, and so, to speak in style, the "medicamentum 
seemed to act with still greater potential efficacity :" — for in- 
deed, some robustious stomachs out there that would never have 
budged at the plain dose, were pretty well stirred by "an aquatical 
solution !" — proving the virtue of words. 

Our friend never bled a man — he only "opened a vein !" — nor 
did he ever feel a pulse without parading a huge silver watch, 
and seemingly, with the care-worn and ominous brow of Jupiter, 
(in Virgil,) to be counting the motions of the second hand: — 
a curious contrast to Death with an hour-glass ! although to some 
nervous patients nearly as frightful. 

One of our neighbour women, who was often ailing, used to 
send for Aunt Kitty to tell her what the Doctor means ; whence 
Aunt Kitty came to be regarded as "high larn'd as the little 
doctur hisself," and was elsewhere in demand as "the little 
doctur's intarpretur :" but she always resisted persuasions "to set 
up docterin" herself, telling the folks "one old woman was enough 
in the Purchase." 

An honest woodsman went once with a severe tooth-ache to 
Spiceburgh, when the Professor, after a long examination of the 



232 SECOND YEAR 

patient's mouth, declared with a very solemn Httle phiz that, "an 
operation in dental surgery seemed necessary in order to extract 
two of the principal molares!" — At which the affrighted sufferer 
said, "he was in powerful pain, and didn't kere to let the Doctur 
pull out a couple of his darn'd rottin back teeth — but he'd rather 
bear the tooth-ache a hull year nor have the dental suggery or 
the principal mol'lerees ither done on his mouth." - 

The Professor did not rely on symptoms in the morbid body 
itself: for instance, he rested not satisfied with the inspection 
of the tongue, which he always had protuded instead of vulgarly 
put-out of the mouth; but he wisely kept two keen eyes on the 
watch for external symptoms, being well disposed to that way of 
judging, which determines, if a saddle is under the bed, that 
the person in the bed is sick, or dead, from eating the horse. 
Hence, on the present occasion, he came at once to a very infal- 
lible judgment of the case, wholly by external symptoms ; for 
on hearing an infantile cry, which had commenced just an hour 
before his arrival, and broken out at intervals since, he instantly 
concluded, and without feeling any body's pulse, or inspecting 
any body's tongue, or asking a question, but with a very grand 
and imposing air, said — "that the lady was as well as could be 
expected !" But he learned, however, a very useful piece of 
knowledge, viz. — that there is at least another thing beside time 
and tide that waits for nobody. 

Still, it was quite edifying to witness the anxious bustling, and 
to hear the learned remarks of our dwarf Esculapius ; who among 
other things, was constrained to acknowledge that — "unassisted 
nature had yet mighteous potential efficacity of her own intrinsic 
internal force, and that she sometimes required only the co- 
elaborate aid of a skillful practitioner to conduct to a felicitary 
tendency her wonderful designs !" Hence "he would only order 
now the exhibition of a few grains of his soporific sleep-producing 
powder, to induce a state of somnorific quiescence ! !" — ^because he 
was decidedly of opinion that "with proper care and no misfor- 
tunate reactions, the lady would without dubiety become con- 
valescent in the ordinary time ! ! !" 

- Finally, one tooth was pulled, the other broken off — and half and 
half, as all Steam doctoring does — cures one and kills another! 



SECOND YEAR 233 

And, would you believe it, dear reader?— all came to pass 
precisely as he predicted ! — and stranger yet to tell, without the 
aid of the soporific powder! For that, by a blameable negligence, 
Mr. C. himself, who was charged with — the exhibition, never 
mixed!! But then to atone and for fear some living creature 
might accidentally swallow the exhibition all at once, and so 
sleep too long, we very considerately the next day put the whole 
paper of somnorific quiescence into the fire. 

In the morning after a very early breakfast, Professor Pillbox, 
having received the usual fee for his invaluable aid in enlivening 
the western solitudes, leaped with amazing agility on his moun- 
tainous horse; which he, indeed, styled "a quadrupedal convey- 
ancer;" and was quickly peering over his cartouch-boxes on the 
way to Spiceburgh. 

But reader! — beware of calling this mighty little personage 
a quack: for he had, if not a diploma from a college, a regular 
license from the State ! ^ Oh ! the potential efticacity of a true 
Republican legislature ! What can it not achieve ? By a mere 
vote, or a legal wish and volition, it can out of nothing — yes, 
ex-nihilo! — or next to nothing create any and every man a lawyer 
— a physician! — a teacher! or even a Jack-a^sH And these 
creations all become the greatest of their sorts ! — greater even 

3 The progress of Indiana within a hundred years has been marked in 
no way more than in the changed standards of the medical profession. It 
IS now required of the regular medical practitioner that he shall have had 
a high school course, two years of collegiate training, and he must hold a 
certificate of training from a reputable medical school of accepted stand- 
ing. He must, in addition to these requirements, undergo an extensive 
and rigid examination by a State Medical Board. But it is still true in 
Indiana, under the Constitution of 185 1, that the only qualification required 
for membership in the legal profession is the same as that required of the 
shyster and the quack in Hall's day, — the same as that now required of 
the saloon-keeper, — "a good moral character." Repeated attempts have 
been made to amend the Constitution in this respect, but the "lawyers' 
amendment" has always failed, owing to the indifference of the voters 
and the extreme difficulty of amending the Constitution. A favorable vote 
of the majority of all the electorate is required. Since there is in the 
Constitution of the State no restriction on the Legislature with reference 
to the requirements for the medical profession, quackery has been success- 
fully attacked by legal enactments. 



2J4 SECOND YEAR 

than the very legislators that first made them! — streams getting 
higher than their fountain! 

No, no, reader, our Professor, like others of the kind, had 
so great an abhorrence of quackery, that he would not allow 
Josey Jackson, his landlord, to keep a single duck! And two 
years after the Hon. J. Glenville's services ended, when Profes- 
sor Pillbox himself was sent to the House, he had influence suffi- 
cient to procure by a unanimous vote the passage of the follow- 
ing resolution, and which remained in full force when we left 
the Purchase: — viz. 

"Resolved : — that no quacks but those that are licensed, shall 
recover the amount of their medical fees by law." 

Vide Journals of the House, VI. Fol. p. 95. 



CHAPTER XXX. 

"Instant in season and out of season." 

The future historian of the Western church may learn, from 
this chapter, that the company of believers of which Mr. Hilsbury 
was a bishop, whenever about three or four such can be found, 
form an ecclesiastical court, with spiritual jurisdiction over a 
given district. A court of this kind was constituted this autumn 
in Glenville at the episcopal residence. The smallest legitimate 
number of clergy composed it, and every reverend gentleman was 
honoured with an office: — Mr. Hilsbury was made President, 
Mr. Shrub, of Timberopolis, Clerk, and Mr. Merry (a bishop, in 
transitu), Treasurer. And thus was shown, after all, the prac- 
ticability of Locke's celebrated Fundamental Constitution of 
Carolina, found impracticable in Sayle's province, — the offices 
and dignities requiring every man in the colony. 

Mr. Welden, Sen., and some other excellent old woodsmen, 
had seats as lay delegates. These, however, managed only the 
secular business of the Assembly ; for instance, such as to bring 
in a pitcher of water, keep a small fire alive on the hearth, and 
contribute each twenty-five cents cash to the sub-treasury. Far- 
ther east, I am told, lay delegates are even more useful, volun- 



SECOND YEAR 235 

teering to let down bars, open gates and the like, between the 
lodgings of the clergy and the chapel where the court is in ses- 
sion. Normally, it is said, the lay and clerical delegates are on 
equal footing in the House, both having a right to talk either 
sense or nonsense as long as they see fit ; and yet, in practice, the 
lay members are not considered as on a par with the clerical 
ones. For instance, in debates, discussions and so forth, the 
commoners are never called — ^brother, except collectively under 
the appellation, brethren ; and even then prime reference is in- 
tended to the clergy. But the commoners are termed variously, 
as "the worthy person or member" — "the good old man that has 
just spoken" — "Esquire Cleverly" — "Lawyer Counselton," &c., 
&c. : yet mostly they are all spoken to and about as plain — 
"Mister." 

In my wanderings I have, indeed, stumbled into assemblies 
of their sort composed of Misters and Brothers, where qualified 
lay gentlemen chose freely to exercise their privileges, and where 
"the person" or "the worthy old man" has so spoken and argued 
a subject as to lead the assembly to adopt measures much more 
common-sense-like and democratical than some, and especially 
the "younger brethren" at first contemplated. Nay, an acute and 
eloquent Mister occasionally would be seen to demolish a rash 
brother; or in our parlance out there — to use him up. Hence, 
being myself a reformed democrat, this admixture of Misters 
and Brothers in ecclesiastical Houses, did upon the whole then 
strike me as the best and very best form of religious associations 
for our republican institutions ; and then it occurred that if the 
lay delegates would always qualify themselves properly and use 
judiciously and boldly all their ecclesiastical privileges, that both 
State and Church would even be more benefited than ever by 
these true republican bodies.^ 

We beg leave now to introduce pore especially to the reader, 

1 The clergy of such bodies do earnestly insist on all this in their lay 
delegates, both for religious, and secular and state reasons; and, it may be 
added, that when the reader ascertiains what ecclesiastical bodies have done 
most for civil liberty and universal freedom, he can venture to guess at 
the body in our text, — ^^Hall's note. 

The ecclesiastical court here referred to was that of the Wabash Pres- 
bytery constil;uted in Rev. Isaac Reed's cabin in 1822 or 1823 by Reed, 
Bush, and Hall. Here "Mr. Merry" plays the part of Hall.— J. A. W. 



236 SECOND YEAR 

the President of the Court, the Rt. Rev. Brother Bishop Hilsbury. 
Besides being pastor of the Welden Parish, he was missionary- 
bishop over a vast diocese, through w^hich he was ever riding, 
preaching, lecturing, praying and catechising, and beyond which 
he often made excursions, to bestow gratuitous and extra labour 
on the Macedonians — i.e. wilderness folks that had no bishop to 
care for them. His public discourses averaged, therefore, one a 
day, to say nothing of baptisms, visits to sick, funeral services, 
cum multis aliis : and the miles he rode were about one hundred 
each week, or somewhere near five thousand annually ! — indeed, 
like other laborious missionaries in the West, he lived on horse- 
back. And when at home, a few days*each month, he retired not 
to his study, as he fain would have done, but he betook himself 
to his cornfield : and not rarely he wielded an axe in his clearing 
or deadening — working, in short, not like "a nigger," but a galley 
slave. Negroes, under kind and judicious masters, work only 
little more than half of every day; a western bishop works all 
day and part of the night. Brother Hilsbury was in many perils 
— in the wilderness — in the flood — and among false brethren ; we 
subjoin a specimen of each sort : and 

Firstly — we are to discourse of the Wilderness. Part of an 
unsettled forest was once to be crossed by him to reach a new 
settlement where he had engaged to bestow some extra clerical 
labour. The path was nearly impassable; and at sunset he was 
alone in the wilds, and more than fourteen miles from the in- 
tended place. About dark, he came to a deserted Indian hovel, 
where he resolved to "put up," rather than "camp-out" or travel 
in the dark ; and accordingly he dismounted, stripped his horse 
and secured him by halter and bridle; and then had barely time 
to get under the shelter of the half-roofless shantee, before a 
tempest, long gathering its pitchy blackness, burst around in 
floods of rain and flashes of keen fire with its appalling thunder. 
By the glare, however, of the lightning, a rude clap-board bed- 
stead was discerned fastened to a side of the hut, and on this 
fixture, after feeling with the end of his whip if any chance snake 
was coiled in that nest, our primitive bishop laid his saddle and 
other gears ; and then on and surrounded by these, passed that 
dreary night as comfortably as — possible; and hungry, wet, and 



SECOND YEAR 237 

melancholy. Having thus spoken briefly to our first head, we 
pass to the consideration of the second thing proposed, which 
was 

Peril by Flood. Here, by way of preface, it may be remarked, 
that reverend gentlemen intended for New Purchase bishoprics, 
ought unto all their Christian gifts and graces to add — the art of 
swimming. For want of this, Bishop H. was in jeopardy oft of 
his life. Indeed, considering his inability to swim, he was, my 
dear brethren, a little rash ; for in his company we have several 
times come to creeks broad and muddy with "back-water" from 
a neighbouring river, where the speaker, although a swimmer, 
refused to enter; but our bishop either having more faith or 
more courage, would, spite of all remonstrances, plunge in, horse 
foremost, venturing on till the turbid waves reached his saddle 
skirts and the tail — (of his horse) — ^^began to float! And that 
being symptomatic of a swimming head — nay, of a whole body 
— our friend would return but still reluctant : and we would then 
proceed up the stream till beyond the influence of the back water. 

At the time of his perilous-peril, Mr. H. was in company with 
the Rev. Mr. Widdersarch, who also could not swim. A large 
creek was raging with its swollen waters across their way, ren- 
dering it necessary to cross or return ; unless like ^sop's wise 
man they should wait the subsidence of the flood. But that might 
be a long time yet, the waters still rising; and beside it was 
absolutely necessary to go on — as it always is when people are 
going anywhere, especially a western minister, who usually, after 
riding many long miles, and fording and swimming many dan- 
gerous creeks, to keep with punctuality a gratutious appointment, 
finds at the preaching cabin a large congregation of — six : viz. the 
man and his wife, with three little children and a help. For, of 
course this thimbleful of folks would be too disappointed, if the 
minister came not! And hence, valuable men feel bound to be 
punctual out there, always at the risk of their health, and not 
rarely their very lives. - 

- These pages bring out very vividly the perils of the early wilderness 
life and the sacrifices which the early Christian ministers on the forest 
frontier had to undergo, and the courage and devotion with which they 
met the dangers confronting them. 



238 SECOND YEAR 

The discussion in the present emergency soon ended by the 
plunging of both brethren into the water; deeper, indeed, than 
had been presumed! How deep was difficult to say, the horses 
for some reason or other beginning to swim immediately on en- 
tering the creek — perhaps, however, unlike Dick, they could not 
resist a bloated stream till the water went over their backs ! Every 
thing proper and customary was done with the ministerial legs 
to keep the limbs dry ; yet at the first souse those important ap- 
pendages were unpacked, all their capabilities being required to 
hold on the riders — and nothing was now visible above the turbid 
waters save two snorting horse heads, followed by two human 
heads and busts. 

And now the saddle-bags of Mr. Widdersarch, not being rightly 
secured to the stirrup-leathers, floated ofif the saddle, and like 
hard ridden demagogues, went down with the stream ; upon 
which the owner not only made a very desperate and very unsuc- 
cessful efifort to arrest the articles, but was, alas ! by that very 
effort himself soused headlong into the boiling waters ! How, 
Mr. Widdersarch could never tell, yet at the moment of his fall — 
(like Palinurus grasping part of a helm in a fall from another 
poop) — he felt and clutched with drowning energy, the floating 
tail of his horse ! — and holding to that he was carried safely till 
his feet rested on the bottom. During all this Mr. Hilsbury was 
in advance ; but while he heard the fall and the cry of his friend, 
he could render no assistance, having the greatest difficulty to 
retain even his own seat; and by the time he had reached the 
opposite bank in safety, his friend could stand on the earth with 
his head above water ; seeing then the saddle bags whirling in an 
eddy, Mr. H. hurried with a long pole to a point whence it was 
thought the leathery apparatus could be arrested. In his eager- 
ness to hook the bags he leaned over the bank, that treacherous 
bank gave way, and our excellent bishop himself was now strug- 
gling for life in the whirlpool ! 

He was a man more than six feet high ; yet in vain did he try 
to stand on the bottom of this maelstrom, and hold up his head 
in the world ! — until driven violently against the bank he managed 
with coolness certainly, if not presence of mind, to clutch in one 
hand some roots ^ in its side and with the other and his feet to 



SECOND YEAR 239 

stick to its mud, till Mr. Widdersach, now landed, hastened to 
his assistance. In the meantime, the saddle-wallets despairing 
of all rescue had taken fresh start for some other port; but our 
involuntary baptists running with poles to the next headland, 
were there successful with their baitless bobbing, and had the 
satisfaction of rescuing, and maybe from a watery grave, the 
well-soaked conveniences ! And so ends our second lesson. 

The last trial was one of equanimity and patience — more diffi- 
cult to endure, however, than the other sorts. Our friend, as has 
been intimated, was forced to work literally with his own hands. 
On one occasion he was ploughing ; when, to save his feet from in- 
jury, he had encased or buried them in a pair of ungainly cow- 
hide shoes, with exterior seams, like those of a hose (viz; a 
leather fire-engine), such as no primitive apostle ever wore, and 
most modern eastern parsons certainly never saw. They had, 
indeed, been made at our tannery by a volunteer shoe-maker 
(such as a legislature will create some of these days, when it is 
determined by them that every man may be his own shoemaker,) 
so that they looked for all the world as if they were vegetables 
and had grown on a shoe-tree ! M'orever, our clerical plough- 
man, like Cincinnatus, had on no toga, and was in the state boys 
call, barelegged, or to speak with modesty and taste, his limbs 
were destitute of hose (or hoses.) 

Now, in this "fix," will any man of broadcloth and French 
calf-skin, conjecture that our Rector's outer man exhibited signs 
of worldly pride? And yet, my dear brethren, the keen eyes of 
a parishioner saw pride in those shoes ! 

"Impossible ! unless it was deemed a pharisaical humility, or 
a papistical penance." 

No, no! but on the contrary, the penance was not deemed 
severe enough : for this Christian mister on finding his bishop 
thus ploughing, reported through the whole diocese that — 

"Mr. Hilsbury was a most powerful proud man, as he actially 
ketch'd him a ploughing with his shoes on!" 

I conclude, therefore, this discourse by asking you, dear breth- 
ren, what would have happened if the Rt. Rev. Bishop Hilsbury 
had in preaching sported a white handkerchief and black silk 
gloves? or, horrible dictu (i.e. tell it not in Gath) had he worn 



240 SECOND YEAR 

ruffles ? Be assured we had some rough and hard Christians out 
there who would have deemed him an emissary of Satan, and 
one that deserved burning on a log-heap! 

Permit me next to introduce the clerk of the court — Bishop 
Shrub. Of this gentleman we shall merely say, that if a pro- 
found and an extensive acquaintance with all the important and 
various subjects of ecclesiastical learning, together with uncom- 
mon research in most other kinds ; if the command of elegant 
style in writing, and the power of rich and copious elocution in 
preaching; if a pious and a conscientious mind, an ardent zeal 
in the service of his Master, and incessant labours for the good 
of men; if the most engaging and winning manners in conver- 
sation ; if all these and similar excellences, possess charms, then 
would the reader have rejoiced to know Bishop Shrub, and would 
have classed and cherished him among the most highly estimated 
friends. 

As Mr. Merry will speak for himself in this chapter, the reader 
may say what he thinks of this person after reading his Buckeye 
Sermon, delivered at Forster's Mill. 

Among the dogmata of the New Purchase Council, it was 
ordained that Brothers Shrub and Merry should perform a mis- 
sionary tour of some weeks between 41° and 42° N. latitude, and 
in a region destitute of any spiritual instruction ; a region indeed 
almost destitute, it proved, of inhabitants too, the thin "sprinkle" 
having, in all probability sought a place free from all trammels, 
political as well as ecclesiastical. The brethren took neither 
purse nor scrip, and expected no present reward farther than the 
pleasure of doing good; and yet they laboured as if in expecta- 
tion of being at the end of the tour, thrown into a modern^ 
bishop's see — not of glass, but of silver and gold and other clink- 
ing evils. Having myself long desired to visit the country now 
laid out as missionary ground, I begged permission to join the 
party ; * which request being cheerfully granted, away we started 
as — missionaries — hem! See then, reader, "how we apples 
swim !" 

During the excursion, three discourses were delivered daily, 

3 A real rite-dity church and state bishop. 

* "Merry" was Hall. The author here, as in other places, speaks in a 
way to lead to disguise. 



SECOND YEAR 241 

the ministers alternately preaching, and the time being usually 
10 o'clock, A.M., 2 o'clock, P.M., and 5 o'clock in the evening. In 
proceeding up the river (the Big Gravelly) appointments v^ere 
left for our return, and also sent on before us, by any chance 
person found going towards the polar circle. Nor even did any 
one show reluctance to bear the message ; although on overtaking 
once a woodsman, and begging him to name some place where 
we could preach next day, at 10 o'clock, he replied: — 

"Well, most sartinly, I'll give out preachin for any feller-crit- 
turs whatsever — and Forster's saw-mill is jist about the best place 
in all these parts — but I sorter 'taint no use no how much, as 
folks in them diggins isn't powerful gospel greedy." And then, 
excusing himself from hearing Bishop Shrub that same evening, 
he rode suddenly down an abrupt bank of the river, and plunged 
into >vater, barely admitting his large horse to go over without 
swimming, yet he faithfully made the appointment for his "feller- 
critturs" at the mill, although of our neighbour himself we never 
saw more. 

Our churches of course, were usually cabins, our pulpits chairs; 
but the church at Forster's saw-mill deserves special commem- 
oration from the odd oddity of the place, the audience, and the 
sermon by Brother Merry. 

The church was literally in the mill; nor was this a frame 
building painted red, with flocks of pigeons careering round, or 
perched on its dormer windows, or strutting and billing and 
cooing and pouting along the horizontal spout ; while on a neigh- 
bouring elevation stood a commodious stone house, the owner's 
and mason's names handsomely done on a smooth stone near the 
summit of its gable; and smiling meadows stretched away along 
the dancing waters — concomitants rendering a mill so enchanting 
in old countries! no: no: — here w^as a naked, unplanked, saw- 
mill! a roof of boards twisted, warped and restless, on the top 
of a few posts; the prominent objects being the great wheel, 
the saw itself, and the log in the very act of transition into plank 
and scantling! 

No human dwelling w^as in sight, and it was afterwards found 
that the owner and his men lived three miles from the mill ; that 
they went home but once or twice in the week, eating during the 
day, when hungr}% of cold corn and pork, and sleeping during 



242 SECOND YEAR 

the night in the smuggest corner of the mill-shed, and drinking 
both day and night when thirsty or otherwise, freely of water 
and — whiskey. For prospect around was an ugly, half-cleared 
clearing, with piles of huge logs, not to be burned, however, but 
sawed. The dam was invisible. A large trough conducted a 
portion of the Big Gravelly river to its scene of paltry labour; 
and there the water, after leaping angrily from the end of its 
wooden channel, and indignantly whirling a great lubberly, ill- 
made, clattering wheel, as in derision of its architect, hurried im- 
patient along a vile looking ditch, half choked with weeds and 
grass, to remingle with the sparkling, free stream below ! 

Meeting, then, was to be held on a few loose planks, con- 
stituting the floor, laid ad capsisum! The pulpit was to be the 
near end of the log, arrested for a time in its transformation to 
lumber ; while at the far end was to be the congregation — at least 
the sinners, who might sit, or lean, or recline, or stand, as suited 
convenience. The congregation was big of its size, consisting of 
the saw-miller, Mr. Forster, and Mr. Forster's two men — and 
also, three hunters, who accidentally hunting in the neighbour- 
hood, had chanced to stop just now at the mill — in all six sinners; 
more, however, than are allowed in a Puseyite cathedral, where 
conversions are unfashionable ! 

As we rode up, a few minutes before ten o'clock, the saw was 
gnashing away its teeth at the far end of the log, nor did it 
cease till we had entered the shed; and then, the owner unwill- 
ingly stopped the performance, seeming by his manner to say — 
"Come, let's have your preaching powerful quick, the saw wants 
to be cutting agin." This was far from encouraging, yet Mr. 
Merry, whose turn was to preach, began his preparations, ob- 
serving in a conciliatory way, that he would not hinder his friends 
very long, but that we felt it would not be right to pass any settle- 
ment where the neighbours were kind enough to give us an op- 
portunity of preaching. The preacher's manner so far won on 
our sullen congregation, that Mr. Forster and two others took 
seats in a row on their end of the log; while two leaned them- 
selves against the saw-frame, and one against an adjoining post: 
Brother Shrub and Mister Carlton sat among the saints at the 
pulpit-end of the log, like good folks and penitents in churches 
with altars. 



SECOND YEAR 243 

In this combination of adverse circumstances, great as was 
our confidence in Mr. Merry, who was as used to this sort of 
matters as are eels to skinning, we feared for his success to-day. 
Yet he began seemingly unembarrassed, holding a small testa- 
ment, in which was concealed a piece of paper, size of a thumb, 
and pencilled with some half a dozen words constituting the 
parson's notes ! And notes in the New Purchase and the ad- 
jacent parts are always concealed by preachers who use them; 
for the use of such argues to most hearers there is a want of heart 
religion ; beside that no place is found in our pulpits to spread out 
written discourses. To have used in Forster's mill-meeting to- 
day, any other than the thumb-paper just named, would have been 
considerably worse than ridiculous — it would have deserved a 
scratch or so from Mr. Forster's saw-teeth; or what is next to it, 
a scourging from Lord Bishop Baltimore. 

Brother Merry quickly perceived that even the plainest and 
almost child-like topics with suitable language and illustrations 
failed to preserve his spectators' attention. One man began to 
look at the ditch where now the water was trickling along with 
a subdued voice ; another, to cut a clapboard with his scalping 
knife ; and Mr. Forster looked wistfully at his saw, evidently 
more desirous to hear its music than both our preachers' voices 
together. Something desperate must then be attempted to arrest 
attention, or hope of doing good at present abandoned. For 
while true that men cannot hear without a preacher, it does not 
follow that they will always hear with one : and hence Mr. Merry, 
after some vain attempts to convert spectators into auditors, sud- 
denly stopped as if done preaching, and as if talking, commenced 
thus : — 

*'My friends and neighbours don't you all shoot the rifle in 
this settlement?" That shot zvas central: it even startled the 
Rev. Shrub and myself. The man using up the clap-board looked 
like an excited dog — his very ears seeming on full cock; and 
Mr. Forster was so interested that he answered in the affirmative 
by a nod. "So I thought. No hardy woodsman is ignorant of 
that weapon — ^the noble death-dealing rifle. Ay! with that and 
the bold hearts and steady hands and sharp eyes of backwoods- 
men, what need we fear any human enemies." (Approving 



244 SECOND YEAR 

smiles from all accompanied with nods and winks) — "And no 
doubt you all go to shooting matches?" — (Assent by a unanimous 
nod and wink) — "Yes! yes! it would be strange if you never 
went. Now, my dear friends, I have no doubt some of you are 
first-rate marksmen, and can drive the centre off-hand a hundred 
honest yards." (Here one man on the congregational end of 
the log stood right up, and with a look and manner equivalent to 
"I'm jist the very feller what can do that." — Ay! I see it in your 
looks. I'm fond of shooting a little myself; 'tis very exciting — 
and when I indulge in shooting, I have to keep a powerful guard 
over my heart and temper. For don't we feel ourselves, neigh- 
bours, a right smart chance better than persons that can't shoot 
at all? Perhaps we feel a sort of glad when a neighbour makes 
worse shots than ourselves — perhaps we even secretly hope the 
man firing against us may miss, or that something may happen to 
spoil his chance? And then, when we make good shots, don't we 
walk about sometimes and brag a little — even while we hate to 
hear any body else bragging? Come, my honest friends, don't we 
all on such occasions do some things, and say some things, and 
wish some things, that when we get home, and are alone, and be- 
gin to think over the day, make us feel sorry about our conduct 
at the shooting? Come, we are all friends and neighbours here, 
to-day — ain't it so?" (Several nods in assent — but no smiles as at 
first — with fixed attention, and a go-on-Mr. Preacher-look, at the 
far end of the log) — "Yes, yes, my dear friends, it is so — that 
is honest and noble in us to confess : now there is a rule in this 
Book — you all know what it is — a rule saying, that we ought to 
do to others, what we, in the same circumstances, would wish 
them to do to us. And surely, that is a most glorious and excel- 
lent rule! Well, don't we often forget this rule at a shooting 
match? and in more ways than one! And again, every sensible 
man well knows how mean pride is, and we all despise the proud 
— and yet, ain't we guilty ourselves of something like pride at a 
shooting match? 

"Well, it seems, then by our own alloiving, we may be se- 
cretly guilty of some bad and mean things, even when we are not 
openly wicked and guilty, say of swearing — (shot at a venture) 
— or maybe drunkenness — (one of the sinnei^s stole a look at the 



SECOND YEAR 245 

whiskey jug) — or any other bad practice; and we see, a man in 
his heart may be very proud hke, and hate his neighbour, even if 
we do wear homespun and live in a cabin. (The brethren were 
neatly, but very plain clad). Ah! dear friends, our hearts, mine 
as well as yours, are much worse than we usually think — and a 
shooting match is a place to make us find out some of our sins 
and wickedness. You all know, how as we are going through a 
clearing, we sometimes see a heap of ashes at an old log heap — 
and at first it seems cold and dead, but when we stir it about with 
a piece of brush, or the end of a ram-rod, up flash sparks, and 
smoke, too, comes out. Well, 'tis exactly so with our natural 
hearts. They conceal a great deal of wickedness, but when they 
are stirred up by any thing like a shooting-match, or when we 
get angry, or are determined to have money or a quarter section 
of land at all hazards — ah ! my dear friends, how many wicked 
thoughts we have! how many wicked words we say! how many 
wicked things we do!" (Winks and nods had ceased — there was 
something in the benevolence, and earnestness, and tenderness of 
our preacher's voice and manner, that kept attention riveted ; 
and it was plain enough, conscience was busy at, I believe, both 
ends of the log.) "Well! now, my friends and neighbours, do 
our own hearts condemn us and make us ashamed ? Lx)ok up to 
yon blue sky above us — that is God's sun shining there! Hark! 
the leaves are moving in the trees — it is God's breath that stirs 
them ! and that God is here ! Ay ! that God is now looking down 
into our very hearts ! He sees what we now think, and he knows 
all we have concealed there! That glorious law we spoke of in 
this book, that we have so often broken, is his law ! Friends ! — 
would we be willing to die at this very instant? And yet die we 
all must at some instant ; and if we repent not and seek forgive- 
ness through our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ — you, dear 
neighbours, I myself, and every one of us must perish and — for 
ever!" 3 

I shall not repeat any more of Mr. Merry's discourse. His 
point was gained. Attention was fixed ; salutary convictions were 

3 I can never forget how that word rang out into the adjacent forest— 
nor the echo returned, as if sent back from the invisible spirit land— for 
ever! 



246 SECOND YEAR 

implanted in the auditors minds; and they evidently increased in 
depth and intensity as the preacher proceeded. Nay, when he in 
a strain of peculiar and wild and impassioned eloquence, dwelled 
on the only way of escape from divine wrath through the blessed 
Son of God our poor foresters gazed on his face with tears in 
their eyes, and remained till the conclusion of the services, 
without even the smallest symptom of impatience. 

When meeting was out, the woodsmen cordially shook hands 
with us all, and especially with Mr. M. ; and expressed a unan- 
imous wish to have, if possible, another meeting at the Saw Mill. 
Bishop Shrub was so tenderly affected that as we rode away and 
had got beyond hearing at the Mill, he exclaimed: — "Amen 
to that shooting, Brother Merry ! we shall never in this life 
see again these poor men — but the efifect of this day's preaching 
must be lasting as their lives : surely we shall meet them in 
Heaven !" 

Little specially interesting occurred after this, till our return 
was commenced. And then early one bright morning we turned 
aside to visit a deserted Indian town. A few wigwams in ruins 
were the only habitations left for the living : but in a sequestered 
loneliness on the margin of the river, we found by the swelling 
mounds and other marks of sepulture that we walked amid the 
habitations of the dead ! I have ever been deeply moved by the 
sorrows and the injuries of the Indian — ever since childhood — 
but now so unexpectedly among their graves — the sacred graves 
around which Indians linger till the last! which they so mourn 
after when exiled far away in their wanderings ! — when we 
looked on the pure white waters where the bark canoe had glided 
so noiseless ; and heard the wind so sweet and yet so sad, like 
moaning spirits, over the tall grass and through the trees — a feel- 
ing so mournful, so desolate came over the soul, that I walked 
hastily away to a still more lonely spot, and there sat down and 
cried as if my heart were breaking for its own dead ! 

When we rejoined one another tears were in the eyes of all! 
None spoke — the white man's voice seemed desecration! We 
were true mourners over those graves. Poor Indians! at that 
solemn moment it was in our hearts to live, and wander and die 
with you in the forest home — to spend life in teaching you the 
way of salvation! Blessed! blessed! be ye, noble band of mis- 
sionaries, who do all this! — ye shall not lose your reward! 



SECOND YEAR 247 

To-day the evening service was in the neighbourhood of Mr. 
Redwhite, for many years a trader among the Indians. He be- 
ing present insisted on our passing the night at his house. We 
consented. For forty years he had lived among the aborigines, 
and was master of five or six Indian languages; having adopted 
also many of their opinions on political and religious points, and 
believing with the natives themselves and not a few civilized 
folks, that the Indians have had abundant provocations for most 
of their misdeeds. Hence, Mr. Redwhite and Mr. Carlton soon 
became "powerful thick" — i. e. very intimate friends. 

The most interesting thing in Mr. Redwhite's establishment, 
was his Christian or white wife. She, in infancy, had escaped 
the tomahawk at the massacre of Wyoming, and afterwards had 
been adopted as a child of the Indian tribe. Our friend's heathen 
or red wife was a full-blooded savagess — (the belle and the 
savage;) and had deserted her husband to live with her exiled 
people : and so Redwhite, poor fellow ! was a widower with one 
wife — viz. this Miss Wyoming! Much of this lady's life had 
passed among the Canadian French : and she was, therefore, mis- 
tress of the Indian, the French, and the English ; and also of the 
most elegant cookery, either as regards substantial dishes or 
nicnacry. And of this you may judge, when we set on supper. 
But first be it said our host was rich, not only for that country 
but for this : and though he lived in a cabin, or rather a dozen 
cabins, he owned tracts of very valuable land presented to him 
by his red lady's tribe — territory enough in fact to form a darling 
little state of his own, nearly as small as Rhode Island or Del- 
aware. Beside, he owned more real silver — silver done into 
plate, and some elaborately and tastefully graved and chased, than 
could be found even in a pet bank, when dear old Uncle Sam* 
sent some of his cronies to look for it. 

Well, now the eatables and drinkables. We had tea, black and 
green, and cofifee — all first chop and superbly made, regaling with 
fragrance, and their delicacy aided by the just admixture of ap- 
propriate sugars, together with richest cream : — the additamenta 

* This afifectionate old gentleman gets into a dotage occasionally ;— or at 
least some of his friends who undertake to be the government, so repre- 
sent him. But he is a "clever feller" himself. 



248 SECOND YEAR 

being handed on a silver waiter and in silver bowls and cups. The 
decoctions and infusions themselves were poured from silver 
spouts curving gracefully from massy silver pots and urns. 
Wheat bread of choice flour and raised with yeast, formed, some 
into loaves and some into rolls, was present, to be spread with 
delicious butter rising in unctuous pyramids, fretted from base 
to apex into a kind of butyrial shell work : — this resting on silver 
and to be cut with silver. Corn, too, figured in pone and pud- 
ding, and vapoured away in little clouds of steam; while at 
judicious intervals were handed silver plates of rich and warm 
flannel or blanket cakes, with so soft and melting an expression 
as to win our most tender regards. There stood a plate of planed 
vension, there one of dried beef; while at becoming distances 
were large china dishes partly hid under steaks of ham and veni- 
son done on gridirons, and sending forth most fragrant odours : — 
so that the very hounds, and mastiffs and wolf-dogs of the colony 
were enticed to the door of our supper cabin by the witchery of 
the floating essence ! 

But time would fail to tell of the bunns — and jumbles — and 
sponge cake — and fruit ditto — and pound also — and silver baskets 
— and all these on cloth as white as — snow ! 

Reader! was ever such a contrast as between the untutored 
world around and the array, and splendour, and richness of our 
sumptuous banquet ? And all this in an Indian country ! and pre- 
pared by almost the sole survivor from a massacre that extin- 
guished a whole Christian village! How like a dream this! 

And thou wast saved at Wyoming ! Do I look on thee ? — upon 
whose innocent face of infancy years ago gushed the warm blood 
of the mother falling with her babe locked to her bosom! Didst 
thou really hear the fiendish yells of that night ? — when the flames 
of a father's house revealed the forms of infuriate ones dancing 
in triumph among the mangled corpses of their victims! Who 
washed the congealed gore from thy cheek? And what bar- 
barian nurse gave strange nourishment from a breast so respon- 
sive to the bloody call of the warwhoop that made thee 
motherless ? — and now so tenderly melting at the hunger cries of 
the orphan ! And she tied thee to a barken cradle and bore thee 
far, far away to her dark forest haunts! — and there swinging 



SECOND YEAR 249 

thee to the bending branches bade the wild winds rock thee! — 
and she became thy mother and there was thy home ! Oh ! what 
different destiny thine in the sweet village of thy birth — but for 
that night! 

And yet, reader, this hostess was now so wholly Indian and 
Canadian that when she talked of Wwoming it was without 
emotion ! — while I was repressing tears ! Alas ! she bad not one 
faint desire to see the land of her ancestors! Could this be 
Campbell's Gertrude ? 



CHAPTER XXXI. 

"Tend me to night ! 
May be it is the period of your duty: 
Haply, you shall not see me more !" 

The missionary party was dissolved at Timberopolis and I set 
out for Glenville alone. One night was to be passed on the road : 
and I, therefore, so ordered matters as to tarry that night with 
a friend, who had cordially invited me to make his house my home 
in case I ever should travel that way. 

It was early in the evening when I reached his cabin, but no 
one, to my surprise, appeared in answer to repeated calls ; yet 
there being manifest signs of inhabitants, I dismounted and en- 
tered the house without ceremony. And of course I found the 
family — but all in bed! Yes! the mother — and every mother's 
son of them and daughter too: — they had the ague! 

Two, indeed, were a sort of convalescent; yet eight were too 
ill to sit up voluntarily. Instead, therefore of being ministered 
unto, I myself became a minister, and set right to work, assisting 
the partly renovated son and daughter in getting wood, in boiling 
water, and in handling along Jesuit bark, and sulphate of quinine. 
We three cooked, in partnership, something for supper — what, 
I never exactly knew — it was in sad contrast with the Wyoming 
banquet ! and that night I shared a bed with the squalid and de- 
jected ague-smitten son! 

For the accommodation of the nine others, were four other 
beds — the sleepers averaging thus two and a quarter per bed. In 
our room were two beds, in the adjoining one three: an arrange- 
ment tending to purify the air, ten of the sleepers being sick 



250 SECOND YEAR 

and exhaling foetid breath. Was it then so very surprising after 
all, that within one day after reaching Glenville, our historian^ 
having been with missionaries in aguish districts and having had a 
comfortable night's repose amid this aguish household, should 
himself contrive to get, in the very last chapter of his first vol- 
ume — the Fever and Ague ? Alas ! many a volume equally 
promising in its beginning becomes sickly in its close : a character 
perhaps of all books detailing life as it is! For what, pray, is 
life itself, except a progress from elastic infancy to flaccid old 
age ! — from hope to disappointment ! — from health to sickness ! 
— from living to dying? 

Reader! — (supposing one is this far) — perhaps you have dis- 
covered that the writer is disposed to laugh as well as cry: not 
maliciously — but in a spirit of — of — "Good nature, Mr. Carlton?" 
That is it, my dear reader; however, our delicacy and good taste 
preferred another to praise us. Well, we have found that such 
spirit, within its due bounds, is a great ihelp in sustaining misfor- 
tunes and adversities, especialy our — neighbour's ; and it does seem 
a compensative in some natures that their melancholy states may 
be followed by joyous and sunny ones. And not rarely have our 
elastic tendencies lifted us from deep and miry "sloughs of 
despond;" and even yet, after the crushing of fond hopes, and 
the endurance of exceedingly weighty griefs, we laugh even loud 
although in a subdued tone ; — for the dear ones we laughed with 
in earlier days can never, never join again their merry voice with 
ours! — but then even in our tears we smile, because we trust to 
smile and rejoice with these again and without danger of sin, 
amid serene and perfect and perpetual joys! 

This premised, what was more natural than that we should 
laugh at the Fever and Ague — when our neighbours had this twin 
disease? Indeed, hearing the patients themselves jest about it^ 
how was it possible not to join with them? At last I was seized 
with this mirth-creating malady myself : and of course you wish 
to know how I behaved myself. Well, at first I laughed as 
heartily as ever — just as I once did in the first stage of sea-sick- 
ness. And then I took emetics, and cathartics, and herb-teas, and 
barks, and bitters, and quinine, and hot toddies seasoned with 
pepper, oh I with such winning smiles ! — that the folks all said 
— "it was quite a privilege! — hem! — to wait on me!" 



SECOND YEAR 251 

Fye ! on our hypocrisy and selfishness ! all this captivating be- 
haviour arose fom a persuasion that it would aid a speedy cure ! 
And for a time the enemy seemed willing to be smiled away — with 
the "coelaboration" of the above smile-creating doses — and, I 
do believe, we got to laughing more than ever. But one day after 
my cure, on returning from a little walk extra — (with a rifle on 
my shoulder) — a very gentle, but ralther chilly sensation began 
very ridiculously to trickle down my spine — and there, would you 
believe it, was our Monsheer Tonson again ! 

Now, be it remembered, here was a surprise and a cowardly 
and treacherous assault, if I now for the first looked — grum: 
besides it was evident good nature was no permanent cure for the 
ague. Nay, Dr. Sylvan told me that once he had the ague, and 
repeatedly after he was cured the thing kept sneaking back and 
down his back; till on the last occasion coming, after it had seem- 
ingly been physicked to death like some of the patients, he was so 
incensed at its imipudence as to set to and kick and stamp and 
toss and dance and wriggle about, that the fit was actually stormed 
out ! and from that hour no ague, dumb, vocal, or shaking had ever 
ventured near him ! Had I heard this in time, my insidious foe 
would have been treated to a similar assault and battery. But, 
perhaps, so violent exercise on my part might have only accel- 
erated and made fatal a crisis now approaching; for soon I be- 
came so alarmingly ill that John Glenville was posting to Wood- 
ville for Dr. Sylvan : but before he could have reached that place 
I was raging in the delirium of fever! 

Two things in the events of that dreadful night seem worth 
mentioning: first, while nothing done to or for me was known, I 
have to this day the most distinct remembrance of my phrenzy 
visions ; and secondly, that hours dwindled into minutes ; for 
seeming only to shut and open my eyes, it was said afterwards 
that then I had slept even two full hours! — and that my counte- 
nance and motions indicated a state of fearful mental agitation. In 
that state two visions, each repeated and re-repeated with vivid 
intensity, and seeming to fill spaces of time like those marked 
by flashes of lightning, were so terrific and appalling as to force 
me to violent gestures and alarming outcries. 

One vision was this. A gigantic cuirassier, more than twenty 
feet high, and steel clad, was mounted on a mammoth of jet black 



252 SECOND YEAR 

color and glistening, and moving with the grace and swiftness of 
an antelope. On the rider's left was couched a spear in size like 
a beam, and its barbed point flaming as the fires of a furnace: 
while in his right hand was brandished an immense sword of 
scimetar shape, and so intensely bright as to blind the beholders. 
To oppose this apparition was drawn out in battle a large army, 
with all the apparatus of war, swords, spears, smaller fire arms, 
and the heaviest artillery — the troops being in several lines with 
cannon in the centre and rifles on the wings ; and all ready with 
levelled weapons and burning matches awaiting the onset of the 
terrific rider— Death ! Soon came a signal flash from the heavens 
clothed in sackcloth looking clouds — a kind of meteor sunlight — 
and at its gleam the cuirassier on his Black Mammoth, like a 
tempest driven by a whirlwind, swept rushing on ! — the nostrils of 
the strange beast dilated with fiery foam, his hoofs thundering 
over the rocks and streaming fire ; while the rider, upright in the 
stirrups, poised with one hand his spear, and with the other 
flashed his scimetar, and uttered a war-cry so loud and clear as to 
reach the very heavens and appal and confound the stoutest 
hearts ! At this instant would I be possessed with a strange and 
invincible furor, and pouring forth shrieks and outcries in answer 
to the war-cry of the warrior-spirit, I would strike with my 
clenched hands as if armed with weapons — while the army await- 
ing our now combined onset raised their responsive shouts of 
defiance, and then poured out against us stream after stream of 
fire, with the clatter and crash and roar of many thunders — but 
in vain! — On, on, on we rushed! — ^the earth shook and groaned 
and broke asunder into yawning gulfs and sulphurous caverns! — 
and down, down sank the troops, smitten, dismayed, crushed! 
— while the Black Mammoth, reeling from ten thousand balls, and 
spears and barbed arrows, with the fiendish voice of many demons, 
plunged headlong into the discomfited host, and there falling with 
the shock of an earthquake, crushed men, cannon, horses, spears, 
into one horrible, quivering mass! Then from amidst this ruin 
up sprang the giant-spirit with triumphant shouts, and strided 
away to mount another Black Mammoth, and renew with varia- 
tions this battle of my exhausting vision ! 

My other vision was as solemn to me as ever can be the very 
article of death. Methought I lay in a little narow frail canoe 



SECOND YEAR 253 

and with power neither to move nor speak — yet with as keen 
perceptions as if I were all senses. The canoe itself was at the 
head of a gulf, tied to its bank with a twine of thread and tremb- 
ling on its violent waves; the gulf being between walls of rock 
towering away up smooth and perpendicular for many hundred 
feet, and running with dark and dismal waters very swiftly to- 
wards a narrow opening through an adamantine rock. That open- 
ing was an egress into an unknown, bottomless, shoreless, chaotic 
and wildly tumultuating ocean! — I felt myself quivering on the 
current of time just as it was sweeping into Eternity! — I saw 
strange sights ! — I heard unearthly sounds ! Oh ! the unutterable 
anguish and despair as I lay helpless and awaited the sundering 
of my cobweb tie — in the twinkling of an eye should I pass into 
that vast and dread unknown ! 

Reader! was this really sleep — and did I only dream? — or was 
it the summoning of the spirit to see in a trance what aw-aits us 
all ? Aye ! be assured our dreams are not always dreams ! A 
spirit-world is round us — and it is perhaps in such visions God 
designs we should catch faint glimpses of that other state ? Sneer 
vile Athiest ^ — the hour is coming when we shall sneer at thee ! — 
for the "wicked shall rise to shame and everlasting contempt!" 

^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ 

When Glenville returned from Woodville, he was accompanied 
not by Doctor Sylvan, but by the Doctor's nephew — one of the 
two young gentlemen of Indian grave memory. And he brought 
a long paper of written and minute directions ; and among others, 
the Doctor's favourite plan of changing the character of agues — 
for making a dumb ague speak or shake. It answered well, I 
believe, with all patients of vigorous constitution : at all events, if 
one could endure it, nothing could so warily make a dumb ague 
not only shake, but speak, ay, and scream right out. But when 
that part of the prescription was read to me, I most obstinately 
refused to have my ague thus converted : and yet as the bare 
reading made me shiver, doubtless, the operation itself would have 
made me shake like an earthquake! Sticking, therefore, to my 
refusal, my dumb ague as Doctor Sylvan predicted, stuck to me ; 
and for twelve long cheering months ! Yet, here is an extract 

*Not the reader, we hope — yet in these irreligious days it might be. 



254 SECOND YEAR 

from the Doctor's paper, so that it can be better judged whether 
my refusal was altogether owing to obstinacy: — 

" and then, as the shaking ague is altogether tractable, 

his dumb ague must be immediately changed into the other. 
Carry then your patient into the passage between the two cabins, 
or into the open air, and strip off all his clothes that he may lie 
naked in the cold air and upon a bare sacking — and then and 
there pour over and upon him successive buckets of cold spring 
water, and continue until he has a decided and pretty powerful 
smart chance of a shake." 

Ohhoo! ooh! — (double oo in moon, with very strong aspira- 
tion) — it makes me shake now! 

Well! — at long last the dumb thing left me; so that I lived to 
write more books than two: but we shall not say how often we 
"put on a damp night-cap and relapsed," nor how apparently near 
what began in laughing came to ending in tears. Only let my 
reader draw from this case two practical resolutions : — 

First — to cultivate a fixed determination never to get any kind 
of an ague — if he can help it : and 

Secondly, to indulge no unseeming pleasantry when he sees a 
neighbour shiver or shake — unless that neighbour insist manfully 
that you shall laugh rather than cry with him. 

Shortly after my convalescence, the Hon. John Glenville de- 
parted for the House ; and there, among other matters, he assisted 
in having Robert Carlton, Esq., appointed one of the Trustees of 
the College at Woodville; with orders to procure as soon as 
possible competent professors and teachers. For this I wrote to 
my friend, Charles Clarence, then in the Theological School at 
Princeton, New Jersey; but his reply belongs to our next year, 
and, indeed, to a new era of the Purchase, and hence, we may 
very appropriately end here — a Chapter — a Year — and a Volume.- 

- In this as in other passages Hall's statement is inconsistent with 
the "Key" to the characters and with the order of events. Young 
(Glenville) did not become a member of the House till 1828, fully five 
years after Hall came to Indiana and four years after the Seminary was 
opened and eight years after the act providing for its foundation. "Carl- 
ton" is here represented as writing to "Clarence" both of whom Hall rep- 
resents. This "Carlton," if he became a Trustee of the Seminary, must 
have been some other man than Hall. See pp. 158-159. Rev. Isaac 
Reed, who married Mrs. Hall's sister probably wrote to Hall while 
the latter vyas completing his Seminary course at Princeton, suggesting 
Hall's coming to the New Purchase with a view to his obtaining an 
appointment as a teacher in the newly founded Seminary. See Introduc- 
tion, p. vi. 



CHAPTER XXXII. 

"Our dying friends come o'er us, like a cloud, 
To damp our brainless ardor, and abate 
That glare of life which often blinds the wise, 
Our dying friends are pioneers, to smooth 
Our rugged paths to death." 

The commencement of our third summer was marked by an 
event very sad to our little self-exiled company in the woods — 
the death of Mrs. Glenville. 

Were all here said afifection prompts and truth warrants, a 
volume might be easily written, interesting to most, but specially 
to that comparatively small yet most excellent class known 
as religious people: for never had such a brighter ornament or 
safer pattern. No one, except the inspired person who first gave 
the exhortation, could more truly have said with her lips to her 
friends as she did by her life — "Be ye followers of me as I am of 
Christ." But none ever was so unwilling to appropriate that or 
similar expressions : she was too pious, too humble and meek, and 
childlike ever to think her lovely temper, resigned spirit, and dis- 
interested goodness to be, as they were, a bright and burning light. 

In early life she was said to be surpassingly beautiful. But 
danger and temptation from beauty were soon prevented ; in the 
midst of her bloom her enchanting face was forever marred by 
the fearful traces of the small-pox. Yet spite of this, and even 
in advanced life, rare was it to behold a countenance more agree- 
able than hers ; in which was the blended expression of pleasing 
features, benevolent feeling, pure sentiment, and heavenly temper. 
The original beauty of the countenance had seemingly been trans- 
ferred to the heart ; whence it beamed afresh from the face, re- 
fined, chastened, renovated. Her person was tall and finely pro- 
portioned ; and so imposing her mien, from a native dignity of soul, 
that had her original beauty remained, Mrs. Glenville must have 
always appeared a Grace. 

She was w^ell educated and extensively read in history, and 
many other important secular subjects, but her chief reading had 
always been that best of books— the Bible: indeed, to this, during 



256 THIRD YEAR 

the last few years of her sorrowful life, her whole attention was 
given. She, however, read now one other book — a book we name, 
although with no expectation of its obtaining favour in an unre- 
flecting age — "Ambrose's looking unto Jesus." And these two 
books, in the latter months of her life, owing to the nature of 
her disease, she read on her knees ! That disease was an aneurism 
of the femoral artery, of long continuance, and towards the last 
exceedingly painful — and which, from an early period of its ex- 
istence had been pronounced fatal. Yet all this created in her no 
alarm, produced not the slightest murmur, and abated not her cus- 
tomary cheerfulness and playful vivacity. Nay, she tried even to 
comfort and encourage our little settlement — ^being really more 
joyous in anticipation of a removal to the better land, than we 
could have been in returning from exile to vast temporal posses- 
sions and a beauteous earthly home ! 

Reason was unimpaired till within a very few moments of 
death ; and we all stood around her bed in the rude cabin, while 
she, placing her hands on the heads of her grandchildren, offered 
a solemn prayer for their welfare; — and then, with an inter- 
rupted voice of the utmost tenderness, she, looking on us for the 
last, and smiling said — "I am dying — all — peace!" The king of 
terrors was there — to her an Angel of beauty — to us dark and 
frightful! — and he rudely shook that dear frail tabernacle with 
a severe, perhaps a painful convulsion ! But that loved heart, 
after one throe of agony, was still ! — a deep sigh breathed from the 
quivering lips — and she was not, for God had taken her! A 
blood ransomed and sanctified spirit was in its true home ! 

Two days after we laid her in a lone and forest grave. And 
there all were mourners ; none walked in that procession of the 
dead but the people of Glenville — brothers, sisters, children ! In 
that solitary spot we laid her, far away from consecrated ground 
and the graves of our fathers! 

:1c * * * * * 

But what ! though night after night around that spot was heard 
the melancholy howl of the wild beast ! — what ! though the great 
world knows not, cares not to know of that leaf-covered grave ! 
The dust that slumbers there shall live again — and die no more ! 
Better far lie in an unknown grave and rise to the resurrection of 



THIRD YEAR 257 

the just, than under a sculptured monument amid the lofty 
mausoleums of kings, if one thence must rise to die the endless 
death ! 



CHAPTER XXXHI. 

"Why should a man, whose blood is warm within, 

Sit like his grandsire cut in albaster?" 
"Where should this music be? i' the air, or the earth?" 

Important changes to the Glenville settlement soon followed 
the death of Mrs. Glenville. It was found necessary to connect a 
store with the tannery; and hence, after due deliberation, it was 
decided that Mr. Carlton should now remove to Woodville and 
open the store ; — the ex-legislator, J. Glenville, to remain and con- 
duct the leather department with old Dick, and also buy no pro- 
duce for the Orleans market, and all along shore there. He — 
(not Dick, but Glenville) — was now also a candidate for Pro- 
thonotary ; although not from elevated and pure patriotism, as in 
his other campaign ; the fact is we had had honour enough and — 
loss. An eye was now fixed on the salary ; we wished to serve the 
people, provided like other great patriots, we could also serve 
ourselves ; bad men serve only themselves, good ones both them- 
selves and the people. 

Uncle John and Aunt Kitty were to stay with Glenville in the 
patriarchal cabin ; but Miss Emily Glenville was to go with us to 
Woodville, where she and Mrs. Carlton would set up an Institute 
for Young Ladies ! — the very first ever established in the New 
Purchase. 

In due season, and after innumerable dividings and packings of 
goods and chattels, off we set ; a good two horse wagon and its 
owner and driver, a robust youth of the timber world, having been 
hired to take us and "the plunder." Aunt Kitty insisted on going 
over to see us safe at our new home and to help fix; and old Dick, 
poor fellow ! looked so wistfully at me, that I agreed to ride the 
honest creature to Woodville, if he would consent to come back 
tied to the tail of the wagon; and to that he made no objection 
whatever. And so he went along too. 



258 THIRD YEAR 

Nothing important occurred on the journey, only a cv^ous 
compHmentary mistake of the bustling hostess during the night 
we were compelled to pass on the road. This sagacious lady, 
seeing a baby in the party, inferred, in Pillbox's style, that some- 
body was married; and as Aunt Kitty carried the little "crittur," 
and made an awful deal of fuss, and Mr. C. used once or twice 
nursery diminutives, the landlady concluded that if I was "faddy- 
waddy," Aunt Kitty must be "manimywanimy." Hence, about bed 
time, she considerately said — 'T want to 'commodate near about 
as well as we can fix it, and so him — (pointing to Mr. Carlton) — 
and yon ma'am — (speaking to Aunt Kitty) — kin have the room 
up loft thare; and them young folks — (Mrs. Carlton, Emily C. 
and the driver) — kin have this room down here all alone to 
'emselves !" 

Now, reader, had I a very grave and solemn countenance in 
my youth, or was Aunt Kitty then just thirty-five years and six 
months my senior, a very pretty, youthful, looking woman? And 
what could have deceived our Hoosierina? that when informed of 
her error, she should have exclaimed : — 

"Well ! now ! I never seed the like on it ! Why if I didn't senti- 
mentally allow you was the two old folkses, and them two likely 
young gals, your two oldenmost daters — and that leetle critter, you 
look'd like you was a nussin your last and youngenest !" 

Awh! came now, reader, act fair; for Aunt Kitty was after all 
a right down good looking body, and as lively as a young lady of 
plus-twenty. And do not fine, handsome young fellows sometimes 
marry good looking aged ladies very rich? 

However, spite of this, next day we came safe to Woodville. 
But now, alas! was to be the parting with old Dick! True, he 
let them tie him to the tail of the wagon — but evidently, he was 
trotted off contrary to his secret wishes, and a good deal faster 
than he was accustomed to go ; for our driver, desirous of reaching 
the river by night, and having no return load, drove away at a 
Jehu gait. I, standing at our upper story back window, cried out, 
as he wheeled into his retrograde position — "Good-bye, Dick, 
good bye ! and, would you have believed it ? He cocked back his 
ears ! — rolled up his eyes ! — and with head and neck almost hori- 
zontal, he made not only desperate efforts not to trot, but to slip 



THIRD YEAR 259 

his halter! In vain! The brute horses in front, were too many for 
the poor fellow, and away, away they jerked him; till the party, 
entering the woods, turned suddenly into the road to Glenville, 
and he was forced round with an ample sweep of his rear quar- 
ters ; and the last I ever saw of my poor dear old comrade was a 
most indignant flourish of his venerable tail ! For, before my visit to 
the former home, Dick who would not grind back alone, and John 
could not be constantly with him, was sold to a neighbouring 
teamster; and then, in about a year after, he ended his earthly 
career as he had begun it — a wheel-horse to a wagoner ! Whether 
from the infirmity of age, or heart-broken at quitting our family, 
he dropped dead, holding back in his place, on the descent of a 
precipitous hill ! ! * * * * * * Poor Dick ! 
poor Dick ! — Don't pshaw at me, reader ! I'm not crying, any 
such thing — yes, he's dead now ! / shall never see hint again ! and 
you will never hear of him. If he has plagued you some in this 
work, he will not, like some bipedalic and quadruple heroes in 
certain other books, plague you all through ! 

Behold us, then, one step back towards the worldly world. And 
so now we shall have a little backwoods town life, with an occa- 
sional excursion to our country seat at Glenville, like great shop- 
keepers of eastern cities.^ 

Our first step at Woodville was to write and fasten up at the 
post-office, court-house, jail, doctor's office and other public places, 
copies of our prospectus for the Woodville young ladies' institute. 
This was necessary for sixteen reasons ; firstly, there was no print- 
ing office nearer (then) than one hundred miles;" secondly, — ^Oh ! 

1 It appears to have been during his third year in Indiana in the 
summer of 1824, that Hall moved to Bloomington. This would fix his 
arrival in Indiana in the spring of 1822 instead of 1823. See note p. 70. 

~ It was not until 1825 when the Indiana capital was moved from 
Corydon to Indianapolis that Jesse Brandon who had been an editor and 
public printer at Corydon moved his printing materials to Bloomington. 
Brandon then established the Bloomington Republican which lived until 
about 1829. The Indiana Gazette and Literary Advocate, was founded by 
Gen. Jacob Lowe in opposition to Brandon's paper and to aid the Jackson- 
ian party. When Jackson was elected President, Dr. David H. Maxwell 
was removed from the Bloomington post office and Lowe was appointed. 
When Hall moved to Bloomington in 1823 or '24 Bloomington printing 
was probably done at Louisville. — Esarey's Indiana Journalism. 



26o THIRD YEAR 

I see you are satisfied — I'm not going on. Wonderful care, how- 
ever, had been used to make our notice a specimen, both of pen- 
manship and patriotism; and hence more was accomplished in 
our favour than could have been done by sixteen line pica and 
long primer. For instance, heading the foolscap was a superb 
American eagle, in red ink flourish, and holding in his bill, a rib- 
bon, inscribed — "Young Ladies Institute." Then came the mis- 
tresses' names in large round hand — then the location in letters, 
inclining backward, like old Dick when wheel-horse — ^Oh ! pardon, 
he shall not hold back for us again — I was oflf my guard ; and then 
the word propose that introduced the page-like matter, in capitals 
of German text, with heads and tails curled and crankled and inter- 
laced, so as nearly to bewilder the reader about the meaning! 
And yet, so adroitly was this word contrived, that if one perti- 
naciously and judiciously kept on through all the windings, he 
would emerge safe enough at the final flourish of the E ; and be 
not a little triumphant at twisting unhurt and unscared through 
the labyrinth of "sich a most powerful hard and high larn'd hand 
write !" 

Leaving this prospectus to produce its own effects, I set out 
for Louisville to lay in goods, and also to bring out for our school- 
purposes, a piano. Now this was the very first that "was ever 
heern tell of in the Purchus !" ^ and hence no small sensation was 
created, even by the bare report of our intention. Nay, from that 
moment, till the instrument was backed up to our door to be 
removed from the wagon, expectation was on tip-toe, and conjec- 
ture never weary. "A pianne ! what could it be ? Was it a sort a 
fiddle-like — only bigger, and with a powerful heap of wire strings? 
What makes them call it a forty pianne? — forty — forty — ah! 
yes, that's it — it plays forty tunes !" 

Some at Woodville knew well enough what a piano was, for 
there, as elsewhere, in the far west, were oddly congregated, a few 
intelligent persons from all ends of the earth : but these did all in 
their power to mislead conjecture, enjoying their neighbour's mis- 

•'' This small piano was for many years in the home of Mr. and Mrs. 
James M. Howe, South College Ave., Bloomington. It was still there in 
1892 when Dr. John M. Coulter, President of the University, lived in the 
Howe home. 



THIRD YEAR 261 

takes. After a narrow escape of being backed, wagon and all, 
into the creek, already mentioned, as having the ford just seven 
feet deep, and notwithstanding the roughness, or as my friend, 
lawyer Cutswell used to say, "the asperities" of the road, the in- 
strument reached us, atid in tune, — unless our ears were lower than 
concert pitch. At all events, we played tunes on it, and vastly 
to the amazement and delight of our native visitors ; who, con- 
sidering the notes of the piano as those of invitation, came by 
day or night, not only around the window, but into the entry, and 
even into the parlour itself, and in hosts ; Nor did such ever dream 
of being troublesome, as usually it was a "sorter wantin to hear 
that powerful pianne tune agin !" But often the more curious 
"a sort o' wanted the lid tuk up like to see the tune a playin, and 
them little jumpers (dampers) dance the wires so most mighty 
darn'd powerful smart !" 

All this was, indeed, annoying, yet it was amusing. Beside, we 
might as well have bolted the store, and left the Purchase, as to 
bolt our door, or quit playing: and beyond the ill-savour of such 
conduct in a backwood's republic, it would have been cynical not 
to afford so many simple people a great pleasure at the cost of a 
little inconvenience and some rusting of wires from the touches of 
perspiring fingers. An incident or two on this head, and our 
music may, for the present, be dismissed. 

One day, a buxom lass dismounted, and after "hanging her 
crittur" to my rack, walked not, as was usual, into the store first, 
but direct into our parlour, where she made herself at home, 
thus : — 

"Well ! ma'am, I'm a sort a kim to see that 'are thing thare — 
(pointing to the piano) — Jake says its powerful — mought a body 
hear it go a leetle ma'am?" 

Of course, Mrs. Carlton let it "go a leetle," and then it was 
rapturously encored, rubbed, patted, wondered at, asked about, 
&c. for one good solid hour, when our familiar made the follow- 
ing speech and retired : — 

"Well! — pianne tunes is great! I allow that pianne maybe 
perhaps cost near on to about half a quarter section, (forty acres, 
valued at fifty dollars.) I wish Jake and me was rich folks, 
and I'd make him go half as high as yourn, however, I plays the 



262 THIRD YEAR 

fiddle, and could do it right down smart, only some how or 
nuther I can't make my fingers tread the strings jist ezactly right !" 

A very respectable woman, wife of a wealthy farmer seven 
miles from Woodville, having been one day in town till towards 
evening, thought she would step over, and for the first time hear 
the famous piano ; and that, although she was to ride home by 
herself, and by a very long and lonesome road. Our best tunes 
were accordingly done, and with flute accompaniments ; at which 
our honest-hearted neighbour, raising both hands, and with a 
peculiar nod of the head and wonderful naivete, exclaimed : — 

"Compton — (her husband) — Compton said it was better nor 
the fiddle ! — but I'm sentimentally of opinion it's as fur afore a 
fiddle, as a fiddle's afore a jusarp!!"* 

Illustrious shade of Paganini ! what say'st thou to that ? 

Once, however, a fine, yet unpolished young man came, but 
evidently with an impression that some invitation was necessary, 
as he rapped at the parlour door, and would not enter till in- 
vited by Mrs. Carlton. She was playing at the time, and well 
knowing the cause of the visit, she soon asked if he was fond of 
music, to which he answered : 

"Oh! most powerful fond, ma'am; and as I heern tell of the 
pianne, I made a sort a bold to step in and maybe perhaps you'd 
play a tune." 

Tune after tune was accordingly played ; while the young 
man, who, abashed at his entrance, remained near the door, 
now arose and advancing, as if drawn by some enchantment, little 
by little, he stood at the end of the instrument, absorbed in the 
music, and his eyes fixed with an intense gaze on the lady's coun- 
tenance — and at last, when the music ceased at the conclusion of 
some piece of Beethoven's, he heaved a profound sigh, and thus 
fervently said: — 

"If I had a puttee wife and such a fixin, I'd never want nothing 
no more no how !" 

Reader ! that man had a soul ! Sweet sounds and a fair face — 
(my mother-in-law had been a very beautiful woman, — now 
touched chords in his heart never before so vibrated ; and there 

* This was Mrs. Mary Ann Ketcherri, according to a letter of Hall, 
185s. 



THIRD YEAR 263 

came ill-defined but enrapturing visions — so lofty ! so aerial ! so 
unlike his cabin, his sisters, and, perhaps, his sweetheart ! Wo to 
the fop who then should even have looked impertinence towards 
the musician! Ah! sweetheart! for an instant thy image was 
away ! Thy lover had caught a dim glimpse of a region and at- 
mosphere where a more refined lady-love only could live ! 

And so we were now fully under weigh at Woodville, selling, 
buying, keeping school, and playing the piano — the last important 
affair being sadly interrupted by the duties of house-keeping. Mrs. 
C. began more clearly to understand an elegant phrase, addressed 
to her at our entrance into the wooden country — "the working of 
one's own ash-hopper." A girl was indeed caught, (although the 
creatures were shy as wild turkeys) about once a month; but the 
success was only small relief to the mistress. It might be a kind of 
relief from rough scrubbing and washing; from little else, how- 
ever, as other work must be rectified and often re-cleaned. Did a 
girl fancy, too, herself undervalued? — was she not asked to the 
first table with company? — not included in invitations sent us 
from "big bug" families? — not called Miss Jane or Eliza? — she 
was off in a moment ! Real malice is often mixed with the dud- 
geons ; dough half kneaded is deserted by the young lady — clothes 
ahandoned in the first suds — batter left, and that at the instant 
you invite your company to sit up, and expect "the young woman 
that goes out to help her neighbours in a pinch" to be coming in 
with the first plate of flannel cakes ! 

But if one unfortunately catches a girl who is a mad devotee to 
some false form of the Christian religion, the employer will be 
systematically cheated, under the vile plea of higher obligations to 
attend the thousand and one meetings got up by self-righteous 
revival makers. We have by such been left on a sick-bed, and 
when it was by some supposed we were actually dying! — her 
spiritual advisers held a fanatical meeting that hour, and off she 
hurried, though paid to nurse ! Such a thing would not now be 
thought worthy record, if we were not too well apprised that 
even in here, girls, gals, helps, servants, and apprentices, are but 
poorly instructed by some flaming religionists as to the sacred 
duties of their offices; and that some of these helps, although 
paid, fed, clothed, and nursed in sickness by the employers, are, 



264 THIRD YEAR 

if not expressly taught, yet really encouraged, to slight their 
work — to be impertinent — and to pay no respect to proper family 
hours at night, or even to the solemnities of a domestic religion ! 

Hence a New Purchase is not the most pleasant place in the 
world for boarding-school young ladies — or indeed for any 
females* who have not muscles of oak and patience of an ox. 
Let then, no fair lady who can remain in an old settlement, ven- 
ture into a new one from mere poetical reasons ; or till she has long 
and deeply pondered this phrase and its cognates — "to work your 
own ash-hopper!" And if a nice young gentleman engaged to be 
married to a pretty delicate lily-flower of loveliness, is meditating 
"to flit" to a bran new settlement, let him know that out there 
rough men, with rare exceptions, regard wives as squaws, and as 
they often expressed their views to Mr. Carlton, "have no idee 
of sich weak, feminy, wimmin bodies as warnt brung up to sling 
a dinner-pot — kill a varmint — and make leather brichises !" 

MORAL. 

Better to marry in the Range. 



CHAPTER XXXIV. 
-quodeunque ostendis mihi sic, incredulus odi. 



-I am slow to believe fish stories.' 



Our Board of Trustees, it will be remembered, had been di- 
rected by the Legislature to procure, as the ordinance called it, 
"Teachers for the commencement of the State College at Wood- 
ville." That business by the Board was committed to Dr. Sylvan 
and Robert Carlton — the most learned gentlemen of the body, 
and of — the New Purchase ! ^ Our honourable Board will be 

* Woman.s 

^ Hall's original footnote. 

^ These pages seem confusing and can hardly be consistent with his- 
torical facts. This comes from Hall's playing the two characters, Robert 
Carlton and Rev. Charles Clarence. Hall was never a memiber of the 
Board of Trustees of the Seminary. The First Board by the Act creat- 
ing the Seminary, January 20, 1820 consisted of the following: Charles 
Dewey, Jonathan Lindley, David H. Maxwell, John M. Jenkins, Jonathan 



THIRD YEAR 265 

specially introduced hereafter ; at present we shall bring forward 
certain rejected candidates, that like rejected prize essays, they 
may be published, and thits have their revenge. 

None can tell us how plenty good things are till he looks for 
them; and hence, to the great surprise of the Committee, there 
seemed to be a sudden growth and a large crop of persons even 
in and around Woodville, either already qualified for the "Profes- 
sorships," as we named them in our publications, or who could 
"qualify" by the time of election. As to the "chair" named also 
in our publications, one very worthy and disinterested school- 
master offered, as a great collateral inducement for his being 
elected, "to find his own chair!" — a vast saving to the State, if the 
same chair I saw in Mr. Whackum's school-room. For his chair 
there was one with a hickory bottom ; and doubtless he would have 
filled it, and even lapped over its edges, with equal dignity in the 
recitation room of Big College. 

The Committee had, at an early day, given an invitation to the 
Rev. Charles Clarence, A.M. of New Jersey, and his answer had 
been affirmative ; yet for political reasons we had been obliged 
to invite competitors, or make them, and we found and created 
"a right smart sprinkle." 

Hopes of success were built on many things — for instance, on 
poverty, a plea being entered that some thing ought to be done 
for the poor fellow — on one's having taught a common school all 
his born days, who now deserved to rise a peg — on political, or 
religious, or fanatical partizan qualifications — and on pure patri- 
otic principles, such as a person's having been "born in a cane- 
brake and rocked in a sugar trough." On the other hand, a fat, 
dull-headed, and modest Englishman asked for a place, because 
he had been born in Liverpool and had seen the world beyond the 
woods and waters too ! And another fussy, talkative, pragmatical 
little gentleman, rested his pretensions on his ability to draw and 

Nickols, and William Lowe. Maxwell and Lowe had been members of the 
Constitutional Convention of Corydon, 1816. On pp. 186-7 of Volume I the 
text asserts, "I was finally made a trustee of the State College at Wood- 
ville, — The appointment, however, was not made till Mr. J. Glenville 
(John M. Young) took his seat in our legislature in 182- ." Young was a 
member of the legislature in 1828, and no record can be found of his 
having been a member of a previous legislature. 



266 THIRD YEAR 

paint maps! — not projecting them in round about scientific pro- 
cesses, but in that speedy and elegant style in which young ladies 
copy maps at first chop boarding schools ! Nay, so transcendant 
seemed Mr. Mercator's claims, when his shoiv or sample maps 
were exhibited to us, that some in our Board, and nearly every 
body out of it, was confident he would do for Professor of 
Mathematics and even Principal. 

But of all our unsuccessful candidates, we shall introduce by 
name only two — Mr. James Jimmey, A.S.S., and Mr. Solomon 
Rapid, A. to Z. 

Mr. Jimmey, who aspired to the mathematical chair, was master 
of a small school of all sexes, near Woodville. At the first, he was 
kindly, yet honestly told, his knowledge was too limited and in- 
accurate ; yet, notwithstanding this, and some almost rude repulses 
afterwards, he persisted in his application and his hopes. To 
give evidence of competency, he once told me he was arranging a 
new spelling-book, the publication of which would make him 
known as a literary man, and be an unspeakable advantage to "the 
rising generation." And this naturally brought on the following 
colloquy about the work: — 

"Ah! indeed! Mr. Jimmey?" 

"Yes, indeed, Mr. Carlton." 

"On what new principle do you go, sir?" 

"Why, sir, on the principles of nature and common sense. I 
allow school-books for schools are all too powerful obstruse and 
hard-like for to be understood without exemplifying illustrations." 

"Yes, but Mr. Jimmy, how is a child's spelling-book to be made 
any plainer?" 

"Why, sir, by clear explifications of the words in one column, 
by exemplifying illustrations in the other." 

"I do not understand you, Mr. Jimmey, give me a specimen — " 

"Sir?" 

"An example " 

"To be sure — here's a spes-a-example ; you see, for instance, I 
put in the spelling-column, C-r-e-a-m, cream, and here in the ex- 
plification column, I put the exemplifying illustration — Unctious 
part of milk !" 

We had asked, at our first interview, if our candidate was an 



THIRD YEAR 267 

algebraist, and his reply was negative; but, "he allowed he could 
qualify by the time of election, as he was powerful good at figures, 
and had cyphered clean through every arithmetic he had ever 
seen, promiscuous questions and all !'' Hence, some weeks after, 
as I was passing his door, on my way to a squirrel hunt, with a 
party of friends, Mr. Jimmey, hurrying out with a slate in his 
hand, begged me to stop a moment, and thus addressed me: — 

"Well, Mr. Carlton, this algebra is a most powerful thing — 
aint it?" 

"Indeed it is, Mr. Jimmey — have you been looking into it?" 

"Looking into it! I have been all through this here fust part, 
and by election time, I allow I'll be ready for examination." 

"Indeed!" 

"Yes, sir! but it is such a pretty thing! Only to think of 
cyphering by letters ! Why, sir, the sums come out, and bring 
the answers exactly like figures! Jist stop a minute — look here; 
a stands for 6, b stands for 8, and c stands for 4, and d stands for 
figure 10; now if I say a-j-b — c=:d, it is all the same as if I said, 
6 is 6 and 8 makes 14, and 4 substracted, leaves 10!! Why, sir, I 
done a whole slate full of letters and signs ; and afterwards, when 
I tried by figures, they every one of them came out right and 
brung the answer! I mean to cypher by letters altogether." 

"Mr. Jimmey, my company is nearly out of sight — if you can get 
along this way through simple and quadratic equations by our 
meeting, your chance will not be so bad — good morning, sir." 

But our man of "letters" quit cyphering the new way, and re- 
turned to plain figures long before reaching equations ; and so he 
could not become our professor. Yet anxious to do us all the 
good in his power, after our college opened, he waited on me, a 
leading trustee, with a proposal to board our students, and au- 
thorised me to publish — "as how Mr. James Jimmey will take 
strange students (students not belonging to Woodville) to board, 
at one dollar a week, and find every thing, washing included, and 
will black their shoes three times a week to boot, and — gk'e them 
their dog-zvood and cherry-bitters every morning into the bargain! 

The most extraordinary candidate, however, was Mr. Solomon 
Rapid. He was now somewhat advanced into the shaving age, 
and was ready to assume offices the most opposite in character; 



268 THIRD YEAR 

although justice compels us to say Mr. Rapid was as fit for one 
thing as another. Deeming it waste of time to prepare for any 
station till he was certain of obtaining it, he wisely demanded the 
place first, and then set to work to become qualified for its duties, 
being, I suspect the very man, or some relation of his, who is 
recorded as not knowing whether he could read Greek, as he had 
never tried. And, beside, Mr. Solomon Rapid contended that all 
ofifices, from president down to fence-viewer, were open to every 
white American citizen ; and that every republican had a blood 
bought right to seek any that struck his fancy ; and if the profits 
were less, or the duties more onerous than had been anticipated, 
that a man ought to resign and try another. 

Naturally, therefore, Mr. Rapid, thought he would like to sit 
in our chair of languages, or have some employment in the State 
college ; and hence he called for that purpose on Dr. Sylvan, who, 
knowing the candidate's character, maliciously sent him to me. 
Accordingly, the young gentleman presented himself, and without 
ceremony, instantly made known his business thus : — 

"I heerd, sir, you wanted somebody to teach the State school, 
and I'm come to let you know I'm willing to take the place." 

"Yes, sir, we are going to elect a professor of languages who 
is to be the principal, and a professor " 

"Well, I don't care which I take, but I'm willing to be the 
principal. I can teach sifring, reading, writing, jogger-free, sur- 
veying, grammur, spelling, definitions, parsin " 

"Are you a linguist?" 

"Sir!" 

"You of course understand the dead languages ?" 

"Well, can't say I ever seed much of them, though I have heerd 
tell of them; but I can soon larn them — they aint more than a 
few of them I allow?" 

"Oh ! my dear sir, it is not possible — we — can't " 

"Well, I never seed what I couldn't larn about as smart as any 
body " 

"Mr. Rapid, I do not mean to question your abilities ; but if you 
are now wholly unacquainted with the dead languages, it is im- 
possible for you or any other talented man to learn them under 
four or five years." 



THIRD YEAR 269 

"Pshoo foo ! I'll bet I larn one in three weeks ! Try me, sir — 
let's have the furst one f urst — how many are there ?" 

"Mr. Rapid, it is utterly impossible; but if you insist, I will 
loan you a Latin book " 

"That's your sorts, let's have it, that's all I want, fair play" 

Accordingly, I handed him a copy of Historiae Sacr^e with 
which he soon went away, saying, he "didn't allow it would take 
long to git through Latin, if 'twas only sich a thin patch of a 
book as that.'' 

In a few weeks, to my no small surprise, Mr. Solomon Rapid 
again presented himself ; and drawing forth the book began with 
a triumphant expression of countenance : — 

"Well, sir, I have done the Latin." 

"Done the Latin!" 

"Yes, I can read it as fast as English." 

"Read it as fast as English ! !" 

"Yes, as fast as English — and I didn't find it hard at all." 

"May I try you on a page?" 

"Try away, try away; that's what I've come for." 

"Please read here then, Mr. Rapid ;" and in order to give him a 
fair chance, I pointed to the first lines of the first chapter, viz; 
"In principio deus creavit caelum et terram intra sex dies ; primo 
die fecit lucem," &c. 

"That, sir?" and then he read thus, "in prinspo duse cree-vit 
kalelum et terum intra ^ sex dyes — primmo dye fe-fe-sit looseum," 
&c. 

"That will do, Mr. Rapid " 

"Ah ! ha ! I told you so." 

"Yes, — yes but translate." 

"Translate? !" (eyebrows elevating.) 

"Yes, translate, render it." 

"Render it!! how's that?" (forehead more wrinkled.) 

"Why, yes, render it into English — give me the meaning of it." 

"Meaning!!" (staring full in my face, his eyes like saucers, 

- Our Yankee linguists will rejoice to know that Mr. Rapid pronounced 
that a just as flat and calfish as themselves; as they thus have untutored 
nature on their side, just as the Egyptian King had the goats and the 
babies on his. 



270 THIRD YEAR 

and forehead wrinkled with the furrows of eighty) — "Meaning!! 
I didn't know it had any meaning. I thought it was a dead 
language ! !" 

Well, reader, I am glad you are not laughing at Mr. Rapid; for 
how should any thing dead speak out so as to be understood ? And 
indeed, does not his definition suit the vexed feelings of some 
young gentlemen attempting to read Latin without any interlinear 
translation? and who inwardly, cursing both book and teacher, 
blast their souls "if they can make any sense out of it." The 
ancients ^ may yet speak in their own languages to a few ; but 
to most who boast the honour of their acquaintance, they are 
certainly dead in the sense of Solomon Rapid. 

Our honourable board of trustees at last met; and after a real 
attempt by some, and a pretended one by others, to elect one and 
another out of the three dozen candidates, the Reverend Charles 
Clarence, A.M., was chosen our principal and professor of lan- 
guages; and that to the chagrin of Mr. Rapid and other disap- 
pointed persons, who all from that moment united in determined 
and active hostility towards the college, Mr. Clarence, Dr. Sylvan, 
Mr. Carlton, and, in short, towards "every puss proud aristocrat 
big-bug, and darn'd blasted Yankee in the New Purchase." 



CHAPTER XXXV. 

"Die mihi, si fueris tu leo, qualis eris?" 

"Let us play the lion too ; I will roar that I will do any man's heart 
good to hear me ; I will roar that I will make the duke say, "Let him 
roar again, let him roar aigain.' " 

Scarcely had our college excitements subsided, when we were 
favoured by a visit from two apostolic new lights. These holely 
men worked by inspiration, and had from heaven patent ways of 
converting folks by wholesale — by towns, villages, and settle- 
ments ; although it must be owned, the converts would not stay 

^ Like the Bible, the dead languages are in bad odour in the Independent 
Republican Common Schools under Foreign influence. 



THIRD YEAR 271 

converted. And yet these men did verily do wonders at Wood- 
ville, as much so as if by Mesmerism or Mormonism or Catholi- 
cism they had magnetised and stupefied all our moral and spiritual 
phrenological developments ! If the doctrine be true, as some 
religious editors assert, and we suppose on good authority, that 
the sect which can in the shortest time convert the most is the 
favourite with heaven, then our new lights deserved the appella- 
tion they gave themselves — Christians. 

Our priests depended on no "high larnin," — set no apples of 
gold in frames of silver, but despised "man-hatch'd fillosofees;" 
and we may add, even harmless grammar, being as they said 
"poor, unlarn'd, ignorant men," and also, unshaved, uncomb'd, 
and fearfully dirt-begrimed — close imitators, as they insisted, of 
primitive Christianity, A-i they did was *'goin from house to 
house a eatin and drinkin s>ch as was set afore them," bellowing 
prayers, snivelling and sobbing, and slobbering over man, woman, 
and child, and *a begginin and beseechinin on them to come to 
meetin." And as meetings were held at every hour of every day 
and every night, we lived on the trot in going to and from them — 
becoming thus a very peculiar, if not a very good people. 

At meeting, our venerable teachers prayed as loud and perti- 
naciously as the priests of Baal, aided, however, by amateurs in 
the congregations ; yet with it all, we never advanced beyond oh !- 
ing and ah!-ing. Still, definite petitions were often presented, 
some for "onreginerit worldlins," some for "hypocrit professors," 
and many "for folks what believed in John Calvin's religion and 
hadn't never 'been convarted." But as it was of importance to 
have certain persons saved, and the divinity of the new lights 
might not fully understand who was meant, names were mentioned 
in prayer, as "dear brother Smith," or poor "dear sister Brown," 
and sometimes titles were added, as "dear Squire Goodman," or 
"dear Major Meanwell." 

I never had the pleasure of hearing the bulls of Bashan roar; 
yet, having heard our new light preachers, I can now form a 
better conjecture as to that peculiar eloquence; at all events, our 
two preachers foamed like a modern bull worried by boys and 
butchers' dogs, and never gave over till exhausted. Often what 
they said was unknown, as their words seemed to burst asunder 



272 



THIRD YEAR 



as soon as let out — peculiar shells from wonderful mortars ! And 
these two personages as far excelled poor Philip in noise, grimace, 
and incoherence, as he excelled in those qualities, a delicate divine 
of the nineteenth century, who reads a sleepy second-rate didactic 
discourse of a warm afternoon in dog-days, in Pompous Square 
church; and that when the Rev. Doctor Feminit fears the 
bronchitis. 

And yet by this simple machinery, and well worked, in about 
two weeks our new lights had converted every man, woman, 
and child in Woodville, except Dr. Sylvan, Mr. Carlton, and 
some other half dozen hardened sinners that would 'stout it out 
any how!" And now, from every house, alley, grove, orchard, 
resounded forth curious groans, outcries, yells, and other hell-a- 
beloo's of private prayer! For all this was called private prayer! 
— the Scriptures, indeed, directing otherwise ; but Barton Stone, 
and Campbell Stone can do much more with people out there than 
Peter Stone the apostle; and men naturally love the fanatical 
Pharisaism of pseudo-inspired teachers, councils and conclaves. 

An opinion was held by most of our fanatics, that direct, 
earnest, and persevering prayer would result in the instantaneous 
conversion of any one in whose favour it was made ; and of 
course to the most opposite creeds! This naturally led to some 
ridiculous consequences; for it soon was argued that if an un- 
regenerate man could be got by any art or contrivance, or coaxing, 
to pray right earnestly for himself, and cry out loud and long 
for mercy, he would be immediately converted ; nay, it was held 
to be efficacious if he could be forced by physical means to pray ! 
Hence among other things of the sort, one of our domestic chap- 
lains, a very large and fat man, now stirred up and enlivened 
by this visit of the good men, overtook a neighbour in the 
woods going to meeting, and after having in vain exhorted the 
person "to fall right down on his knees and cry for mercy," 
he suddenly leaped on the incorrigible rascal, and cast him to the 
earth ; and then getting astride the humbled sinner, he pressed him 
with the weight of 225lbs. avoirdupois, till he cried out with 
sufficient earnestness and intensity to "get religion !" Nor did this 
convert made by so novel a papistical engine fall away any sooner 
than most other converts mechanically forced, although by differ- 



THIRD YEAR 273 

ent contrivances — he hung on some weeks. Besides, if little 
children in western New-York were whipped with a rod into the 
kingdom of heaven, why should not a stout sinner, too big for 
that disciplne, be pommelled into the same kingdom in the New 
Purchase, by Bishop Paunch? 

And would not more persons have been converted to Oberlinism, 
Finneyism, or Abolitionism, or Anyism, if, after the manner with 
our new lights, folks had more frequently been characterized by 
their entire names and employments, when prayed for? Indeed, 
one distinguished lawyer in Western New- York, always ascribed 
his non-conversion, after innumerable prayers made for him in 
public, and even by name, to the unfortunate omission of his 
middle name ! 

Religious reader! do not mistake us; we are laughing at Satan's 
delusions ! And we lived long enough to find true what we once 
heard a very learned, talented and pious minister of the Gospel 
say, that "all such excitements from false religions were sure to 
be followed by infidelity." Our evangelical churches were for 
a time deserted ; our family altars abandoned ; our domestic 
intercourse ruined ; the Sabbath desecrated ; the sacred name pro- 
faned, and his attributes sneered at; and avowed and flaming 
converts to fanaticism were, in two or three years after, reeling 
drunkards, midnight gamblers, open and unblushing atheists ! 
Nay, assembled in a certain grog-shop — (out there appropriately 
called "a doggery") — three years after did some of the man-made 
converts form a horrible crew that tied up against the wall one 
of their party in a mock crucifixion! — and setting fire to rum 
poured on the floor, they called it — "the blazes of hell ! !" 
****** 

But a religious incident reminds me of my friend, Insidias 
Cutswell, Esq. And his history adds to the many instances of 
self-education and self-elevation. His career, it was said by his 
political enemies, began with his being a musician to a caravan of 
travelling animals ; but it argues great intrinsic genius, that a man 
ever made the attempt to rise from such a life, and had skill and 
tact to use opportunities, by thousands in like circumstances suf- 
fered to pass unheeded. Rise, however, Mr. Cutswell did, till in 
all that country he stood intellectually pre-eminent, and was justly 



274 THIRD YEAR 

celebrated for learning, enterprise, skill in his legal profession, 
and, as a political leader. Since then he has stood on elevated 
pinnacles, both east and west ; and had his spiritual man been good 
as the intellectual, there would he be still standing ; — and perhaps 
higher. Contrary to the old saws, 'Virtue is its own reward" and 
"honesty is the best policy" moral excellency does not always meet 
with earthly rewards; but yet, the retirement of some talented 
men, is occasionally owing to moral causes rather than political 
ones. And hence, many lamented that this gentleman had not 
been as good as he was great. 

Mr. C. was a good Latin and Greek scholar, and well acquainted 
with antiquities and other subjects cognate with the classics. He 
was deeply versed in the books of law, and extensively read in 
history, political economy, agriculture, architecture, chemistry,, 
natural philosophy, and metaphysics ; and he was, moreover, an 
excellent orator, using in his speeches the best language and with 
the just pronunciation. 

But,^ my friend had two venial faults ; one in common with 
most politicians out ( ?) there, and one peculiar to himself — 
maybe. 

The first of these, was selfishness, and its consequence moral 
cowardice. Hence, little reliance could be placed in Mr. Cutswell 
by his friends — his enemies had in this respect the advantage of 
his friends. And hence, he had continual resort to log-rolling ex- 
pedients ; to some of doubtful morality ; and to some positively 
sinful, in order to acquire or retain political ascendancy. Still, 
he was the most sagacious man I ever knew at making political 
somersets ; for he turned so adroitly and so noiselessly, as to 
cheat the eyes of beholders, and make it doubtful often whether 
he was on his head or his feet ; indeed, he kept such a continual 
whirl as to seem always in the same place, and yet he was always 
in a different one! Or to change figures, he never turned with 
the tide, but watching the symptoms of ebbs and flows he turned 
a little before the tide ; and thus, he always passed for a meritor-i- 
pus, patriotic, people-loving leader of the true and honest party — 
i. e. the strongest, instead of a rag-tag and bob tailed follower in 

^ But, is here an adversative conjunction: commonly employed after 
high praise of one's friends. 



THIRD YEAR 275 

search of loaves and fishes. Yea! he so managed that the world 
usually said "Well, Cutswell's friends have deserted him, poor 
fellow !" — when all the time Mr. Insidias Cutswell, poor fellow, 
had deserted them ! 

The other foible of his was a grand deportment put on like a 
cloak when he entered elevated society, but laid aside in his 
chambers or among the canaille. Doubtless this arose from a mis- 
taken notion of what constitutes good behaviour as he was passing 
from the grub to the winged state ; and, maybe, to conceal that he 
had not always soared but sometimes creeped. For instance, 
nothing could transcend the pomp of his manner and dress on 
some occasions, when from home, unless a New Purchase "Gob- 
bler" in the gallanting season ; and then his style of taking snufT 
when in full costume and under the eye of magnates, was equal 
to a Lord Chamberlain's — it made you sneeze to witness it! 

First came an attitude — so grand ! — it looked as if it had been 
studied on a cellar door under the windows of a print shop, from 
an engraving of Cook, or Kean, or Kemble in royal robes at the 
acme of his sublime ! Oh ! the magnificence of that look ! And 
next, the polished box or fragrant sternutatory powder (which 
he took instead of snuff) would be extracted from the receptacle 
of an inner vest, a single finger and thumb being delicately in- 
sinuated for that duty; and the box thus withdrawn with so be- 
witching a grace would then be held a moment or two till my lord 
had completed some elaborate period, or till his deep interest in 
the absorbing nothings you were uttering should seem suspended 
by your own pausing. At that instant, his eye glancing in play- 
ful alternation from his friend's face to the box, he would perform 
a scale of rapid taps on the side of the box with the index finger 
of the dexter hand to wake up the sternutatory inmate; after 
which, modestly removing or opening the lid, he would, in the 
manner of Sacas, the Persian cup-bearer, first present the delicious 
aromatic for your touch, and then with his own finger and thumb 
a moment suspended in a pouncing position, he would suddenly 
dart on to the triturated essence and snatch hurriedly thence the 
tiniest portion possible. Arresting now his hand half way in its 
upward flight, the pinch downward yet at the tips of the finger 
and the thumb, he would for the last time look with an interesting 



276 THIRD YEAR 

smile into his friend's face, and in the midst of that gay sunshine, 
suddenly turning the pinch under his own olfactory organ, he 
would inhale the perfume with the most musical sniffle imagina- 
ble! Retrograde motions and curves of becoming solemnity, 
amplitude and grace, would close the box and restore it to the 
inner vest — and so Mr. Cutswell would have snuffed ! 

Impatient folks may think it takes long to describe a pinch; 
but, then, it took still longer-to perform one. 

Mr. Cutswell, among other matters, was no mean performer on 
the violin ; and on one occasion, at a private concert at my house, 
forgetting his usual caution, he entertained me with an anecdote 
about his fiddle and his Bishop. For be it known, that like other 
politicians, Mr. C. was a theoretical member of a religious people, 
who looked on fiddle-playing as on the sin of witchcraft — although 
I do not know whether he had ever received the rite of confirma- 
tion; yet nothing but his high standing saved him from an ex- 
communication, that out there would speedily have been visited on 
a poor player. Still his Bishop was a faithful shepherd's dog, 
and hesitated not to growl and bark, if he did to bite ; being, also, 
one who prayed for men sometimes by name, and at them often by 
description. And so he contrived once to pray at Mr. Cutswell's 
fiddling or rather against his fiddle; and nothing could ever so 
belittle that instrument as this preacher's periphrastic abuse of that 
curious compound of catgut, rosin, and horsehair. 

"I was present," said Mr. Cutswell, laying down his fiddle and 
bow upon our piano, — "some few evenings since, after the dis- 
charge of my legal duties at the court house — {attitude commenc- 
ing for taking snuff,) — present, Mr. Carlton, in the prayer-room 
of our chapel, a large concourse of members being congregated 
for the customary weekly devotions." snuff box out.) "Among 
others in the apartment, was our venerable Bishop." (Box tapped 
and opened.) "He is a good and worthy man, sir; but sub rosd 
not wholly exempt from prejudice. Indeed, as to music gen- 
erally, but more especially that of the violin, — (finger and thumb 
pouncing) — he entertains the most erroneous sentiments; — (pinch 
going upwards) — and I fear that he regards both myself and my 
instrument with feelings of acerbity." (Hem! — pinch inhaled.) 
In the course of his prayer this evening, he contrived to adminis- 



THIRD YEAR 277 

ter to myself in particular; — (lid closing) — but also to you, Mr. 
Carlton and all other gentlemen that handle the bow, — {box 
"being" returned) — the following very severe and appropriate 
admonition, and in the exact words I now quote : 

"Oh! Lord! ah! — I beseech thee to have marsy on all them 
there poor sinners what plays on that instrumint, whose sounds is 
like the dying screech of that there animal out of whose intrils its 
strings is made!' " 

Amen! — at a venture! (Pompey or Caesar.) 



CHAPTER XXXVI. 

"Forgive my general and exceptless rashness, 
Perpetual sober gods ! I do proclaim 
One honest man — mistake me not — but one." 
"What find I here! 

Fair Portia's counterfeit? what demi-god 

Hath come so near creation?" 

This chapter is devoted to a man ; — Mr. Vulcanus Allheart. 
And, although he will rap our knuckles for smiling at a few 
smileable things in him, Mr. Allheart will not be displeased to see 
that Mr. Carlton, the author, remembers his friend, as Mir. 
Carlton the storekeeper and tanner, always said he would, when 
we blew his bellows for him or fired rifles together. 

During a life somewhat peculiarly chequered, we have both 
by land and sea been more or less intimate with excellent persons 
in the learned professions, and in the commercial, agricultural and 
mechanical classes ; but never out of the circle of kinsfolk, in- 
cluding the agnati and the cognati, have I ever so esteemed, ay, 
so loved any one as Vulcanus Allheart. And who and what was 
he? 

He was by birth a Virginian, by trade a blacksmith, by nature 
a. gentleman, and by grace a Christian ; if more need be said, he 
was a genius. Ay ! for his sake to this hour I love the very sight 
and smell of a blacksmith's shop; and, many a time in passing 
one, do I pause and steal a glance towards the anvil, vainly striv- 
ing to make some sooty hammerer there assume the form and look 
of my lame friend !— for he was lame from a wound in his thigh 



278 THIRD YEAR 

received in early life. Oh ! how more than willing would I stand 
once more and blow his bellows to help him gain time for an 
evening's hunt, could I but see anew that honest charcoal face 
and that noble soul speaking from those eyes, as he rested a 
moment to talk till his iron arrived at the proper heat and colour ! 

But let none suppose Vulcanus Allheart was a common black- 
smith. He was master both of the science and the art, from the 
nailing of a horse-shoe up to the making of an axe ; and to do 
either right, and specially the latter, is a rare attainment. Not 
one in a million could make an axe as Allheart made it ; and hence 
in a wooden country, where life, civilization, and Christianity it- 
self, are so dependent on the axe, my blacksmith was truly a 
jewel of a man. His axes, even where silver was hoarded as a 
miser's gold, brought, in real cash, one dollar beyond any patent 
flashy affairs from New England, done up in pine boxes and 
painted half black, while their edge-part, was polished and shiney 
as a new razor — and like that article, made not to shave but to 
sell: and all this his axes commanded, spite of the universal nation, 
all-powerful and tricky as it is. No man in the Union could 
temper steel as my friend tempered ; and workmen from Birming- 
ham and Sheffield, who sometimes wandered to us from the 
world beyond the ocean, were amazed to find a man in the Pur- 
chase that knew and practised their own secrets. 

Necessity led him to attempt one thing and another out of his 
line, till, to accommodate neighbours, (and any man was his 
neighbour) he made sickles, locks and keys, augers, adzes, chisels, 
planes, in short, any thing for making which are used iron and 
steel. His fame consequently extended gradually over the West 
two hundred miles at least in any direction ; for from that distance 
came people to have well done at Woodville, what otherwise 
must have been done, or a sort of done, at Pittsburgh. Nay, liberal 
offers were made to Allheart to induce him to remove to Pitts- 
burgh ; but he loved us too much to accept them ; and beside, he 
was daily becoming richer, having made a very remarkable dis- 
covery, which, however, he used to impart to others for a con- 
sideration — viz. he had found out the curious art of beating iron 
into gold. My friend was indeed the great "Lyon" of the West.^ 

' It is hoped all the "Lyon's" friends of Philadelphia will patronize 
this book. 



THIRD YEAR 279 

Mr. Allheart's skill was great also in rifle-making, and also 
naturally enough in rifle-shooting. I have compared Pittsburgh 
and Eastern and Down-eastern rifles with his (for the one con- 
cealed in my chamber is a present from Allheart), but none are 
so true, and none have sights that will permit the drawing of a 
bead so smooth and round. Does any maker doubt this? Grant 
me three months to regain my former skill, and I stake my rifle 
against all you have on hand, that she beats the things, one and 
all, eighty-five yards ofif-hand — or (as I shall only give back your 
articles) I'll try you for the fun and glory alone! By the way, do 
you shoot with both eyes open? If not, let me commend the prac- 
tice, both from its superiority and because it may save you from 
killing your own wife, as it did Mr. Allheart once. 

He excelled, we have intimated, as a marksman. Perhaps in 
horizontal shooting he could not have a superior ; for in his hands 
the rifle was motionless as if screwed in one of his vices; and 
thence would deliver ball after ball at fifty, sixty, or seventy 
yards, into one and the same auger hole. For him missing was 
even difficult ; and all I had ever heard of splitting bullets on the 
edge of axe or knife, hitting tenpenny nails on the head, and so 
forth, was accomplished by Allheart. And his sight had become 
like that of the lynx ; for at the crack of the gun he would himself 
call out where the ball had struck. Nor is all this so wonderful 
if we recollect that many years in proving rifles he practised daily; 
indeed target-shooting was a branch of his business — and in it his 
skill became rare, ay ! even bewitching ! 

His place for making these daily trials was at first a large stump 
some seventy yards distant on the far side of a hollow, against 
which stump was fixed his target ; and along that ravine his wife, 
a pretty young woman, used to pass and repass to get water from 
a spring at the lower end. Her almost miraculous escape in that 
ravine I shall give in Mr. Allheart's own words, although his 
idiom was slightly inaccurate and provincial. 

"You say, why can't we shoot across the holler agin that ole 
walnut stump yander? I ain't pinted a rifle across thare for four 
year — and never intend to no more." 

"Why so, Vulcanus? I'm sure 'tis a capital place for our 
mark." 



28o THIRD YEAR 

"Well, Mr, Carlton, I'll tell you, and then you wont wonder. 
One day, about six months after we was furst married, I had a 
powerful big bore ^ to fix for a feller going out West ; and so I 
sit down just here — (at the shop-door) — to take it with a rest 
agin a clap-board standing before that stump, and where I always 
before tried our guns. I sit down, as I sort a suspicioned the 
hind sight mought be a leetle too fur to the right, and I wanted to 
shoot furst with allowance, and then plump at the centre without 
no allowance — and then to try two shots afterwards off-hand. 
Well, I got all fixed, and was jeest drawing a fine bead, and had 
my finger actially forrard of the front triggur — (and she went 
powerful easy) — and was a holdin my breath — when something 
darkened the sight, and my left eye ketch'd a glimpse of some- 
thing atween me and the dimind — and I sort a raised up my head 
so — and there was Molly's head (Mrs. Allheart's) — with the 
bucket in her hand a goin for water! She pass'd you know in a 
instant, almost afore I could throw up the muzzle; but, Mr. 
Carlton, if I hadn't a had both eyes open or no presence of mind, 
she'd a been killed to a dead certainty ! I unsot the triggurs and 
went right in ; and for more nor two hours my hand trembled so 
powerful I couldn't hold a hammer or use a file. And that's the 
reason I never fired across to that ole stump since, and why I 
never will agin." 

But another reason for shooting with both eyes open is, that a 
curious experiment in optics cannot conveniently be made with 
one eye closed — an experiment taught me by Mr. Allheart. And 
hence I would now commend both our book and the experiment 
to all spectacle-makers and spectacle-wearers — to all ladies and 
ladies' gentlemen with quizzing glasses — in fact to all persons with 
two or more eyes, and all speculative and practical opticians. 

EXPERIMENT. 

Place over the muzzle of your loaded rifle a piece of paste- 
board about four inches square, and so as entirely to prevent the 
right eye while looking steadily on the bead in the hind sight from 
seeing the diamond mark in the target placed twenty yards from 
you; then keep the left eye fixed immoveably on the diamond, 

2 A rifle of large calibre — for war and buffalo. 



THIRD YEAR 281 

and stand yourself without motion thus for a few seconds; and 
then will the thick paper over your muzzle disappear, and you will 
see or seem to see the diamond mark with your right eye and 
mixing with the bead — touch then your "forrad" trigger and your 
ball is in the centre of the target. A dead rest is indispensable 
for this experiment. N.B. — If this experiment properly done 
fails, I will give you a copy of this work; provided, if I myself 
can successfully perform it, you will purchase two copies. 

When it is said Mr. Allheart made rifles, be it understood as 
certain rules of grammar, in the widest sense; for his making 
was not like a watch-maker's a mere putting parts and pieces to- 
gether, but our artist made first all the separate parts and pieces, 
and then combined them into a gun. He made, and often with 
his own hand, the barrel — the stock — the lock — the bullet moulds, 
complete ; the brass, gold, or silver mountings ; the gravings, the 
everything! And each and every part and the whole was so well 
executed, that one would think all the workmen required to make 
a pin had been separately employed upon the rifle ! He even made 
the steel gouges for stamping names on his own work, and also 
for stamping type-founders' matrices ; he made, moreover, tools 
for boring musical instruments. 

And this last reminds me that Allheart was the most "musical 
blacksmith" I ever knew — more so probably than our learned 
blacksmiths. Not only could he play the ordinary and extraordi- 
nary anvil tunes with hammers of all sizes, making "sparks" and 
points, too, of light flash out much warmer and far more brilliant 
than ever sprang from the goat-strings of the Italian Maestro 
under the flaggellating horse-hair, but Allheart played the dulci- 
mer, a monotone instrument shaped like an ^^^olian harp, and done 
with a plectrum on wire strings ; and could, beyond all doubt, have 
easily played a sackbut, psaltery and cymbals. 

He soon became enamoured of the flute ; and on my proposing 
to give him lessons, he purchased an instrument and attended 
regularly at my house one or more evenings of every week for 
two years, till he became as great a proficient as his master, and 
from that to the present time (as he lately wrote me) he has been 
the conductor of the Woodville Band.^ Perhaps my friend's musi- 

3 The "Bloomington Brass Band" founded and led by Austin Seward 



282 THIRD YEAR 

cal enthusiasm may be better understood from the following little 
incident. His hands and fingers were nearly as hard as cast- 
iron ; but this, while no small advantage in fingering the iron strings 
of a dulcimer, or in playing on the sonorous anvil, was a serious 
disadvantage in flute-playing; for the indurated points of his 
fingers stopped the holes like keys with badly formed metallic 
plugs, and permitted the air to leak out. On several occasions I 
had admired secretly the fresh and polished look of his finger- 
points when he came to take lessons ; till once he accidentally, and 
with the most delightful naivete, unfolded the cause in answer to 
the following indirect query : — 

"You are quite late to-night, Allheart? 

"Yes — ruther — but some customers from Kaintuck stopped me, 
and after that I had to stay till / filed down my fingers!" 

My friend was besides all this a painter. And verily, as to the 
lettering of signs, the shading, the bronzing, the peppering and 
salting, and so forth, I defy any first-rate glazier any where to 
beat Allheart ; for he yet does signs for his neighbours, and more 
from the goodness of his heart and the love of the arts than for 
gain. To be sure, formerly he would mis-punctuate a little, plac- 
ing commas for periods and periods where no diacritical mark 
was needed — although I do believe he sometimes, like a wag of a 
printer, only followed copy. One thing is certain, he never im- 
properly omitted a capital, though he may have put such in where 
it might have been omitted ; but then, this only rendered the name 
more conspicuous, and the sign itself altogether more capital. 

Lettering was not, however, his sole forte; he aspired to pic- 
torial devices, such as vignettes; and at last he ventured boldly 
upon portraits and even full-length figures. His own portrait was 
among the very first he took, and that by means of a mirror ; but, 

was an institution of many years standing in Bloomington. It was also 
called the "Seward Band," and later, the "(S'axehorn Band." It furnished 
the music for all College exhibitions and Commencement occasions. Four 
or five sons of Austin Seward were members of this Band. The Sewards 
have long been among the prominent and honored families of Blooming- 
ton and many direct descendants of Austin Seward are still living there. 
They have contributed worthily to the life and growth of the community. 
This pioneer progenitor of the family is remembered in Bloomington as 
a man of noble character and unusual talents. He lived till 1874 continu- 
ing till his death as the head of a large business in which his sons were 
partners and co-workers. This "Seward Foundry" was famed throughout 
Southern Indiana and the iron and steel goods molded and hammered 
there were of the kind that Hall describes. 



THIRD YEAR 283 

whether from modesty or want of skill, or want of faithfulness in 
the glass, the likeness was not very flattering. And yet one thing 
done by our New Purchase artist ought (I speak with becoming 
deference) to be imitated by many eminent eastern portrait- 
painters. 

"What is that, sir?" 

Well, I am actuated by the best of motives, gentlemen, as it 
was a peculiarity in Mr. Allheart's finish, by which, however bad 
the mere painting, the likeness intended could always be seen at 
a glance if you knew how to look. 

"What was it, sir?" we are impatient." 

Why, he always painted on the frame of the picture the name 
of the person to whom the likeness or portrait belonged.* 

But the chef-d'oeuvre of Allheart was a full-length figure of the 
American Goddess, Liberty, done for the sign of the new hotel — 
the Woodville House. He was engaged at this picture, during the 
intervals stolen from his smithery, one whole summer : and many 
were the wondering visitors, from far and near, that favoured the 
artist with their company and remarks. For most matters here 
done in private were with us then done in public, — this of course 
being conducive to the perfection of the fine arts. And hence 
it is not surprising that Allheart, profiting by the endless remarks 
and suggestions of our democratical people, should have embodied 
all the best sentiment of the purest republicans in nature, and 
given to the Purchase the very beau ideal of American Liberty. 

I shall attempt no elaborate critique, but shall say enough to 
help intelligent readers to a fair conception of this piece. 

The Goddess, like a courageous and independent divinity, stood, 
Juno fashion, right straight up and down the canvass, and with 
immovable and fearless eyes fronted the spectator and looked 
exactly into his face; thus countenaming persecuted freemen, to 
the confusion of all tyrannical oppressors! Her face, in size and 
feature, was a model for wholesome Dutch milkmaids to copy af- 
ter ; but the cheeks, instead of blushing, were. I regret to say, only 
painted red, like those of an actress too highly rouged. 

In the right hand was a flag-staff, less indeed than a liberty- 

* In this request of ours I am well satisfied hundreds of bashful folks 
cordially unite; so that portrait-painters, if they have benevolent hearts, 
will adopt this ingenious expedient. 



284 THIRD YEAR 

pole or Jackson-hickory, but considerably larger every way than a 
broom-handle; and on its top was hung, exactly in the centre, a 
cap — thus by its perfect balance and equi-distances of all parts 
of the rim from the staff, showing that liberty is justice, and is 
independent and impartial. The cap had, however, an ominous 
resemblance to one of Jack Ketch's f and no doubt foreign des- 
pots, ecclesiastical and secular, will pull said article over Liberty's 
eyes, if they succeed in apprehending and hanging her. 

On the left shoulder squatted a magnificant eagle in all the 
plenitude of stiff golden feathers, and in the act of being-a-going 
to drink from a good sized bowl held up by the left-hand fingers 
of the goddess. What was the mixture could not be seen — the 
bowl was so high — but most probably it was a sleeping-potion, as 
the bird seemed settled for a night's roost. Nay, this was the 
sentiment intended — to mark a time of profound peace, like shut- 
ting the gates of Janus : and hence the eagle held in his claws no 
arrowy thunder and lightning, being evidently disposed to let 
kings alone to take their naps, if they would let him alone to take 
his. The idea was equal in sublimity to Pindar's eagle snoozing on 
Jupiter's sceptre at the music of Orpheus ; although my friend's 
bird was uncommonly big and heavy — but then his goddess was 
hale and hearty. 

The drapery or dress was a neat white muslin slip then fash- 
ionable in Kentucky, which was the Paris whence we derived 
fashions ; and this simple attire was tied gently under the celes- 
tial bosom, which was heaved far up towards the chin, as if the 
heart was swollen with one endless and irrepressible emotion, and 
threatened some day or other to sunder the tie and burst right 
out, breast and all, through the frail barrier of the frock! Yet 
doubtless the slip was high in the back, and, a la Kaintuque, well 
secured between the shoulders, so that if things gave way in the 
front, there was still some support from behind — but then it 
looked dangerous. The frock was, however, undeniably starched 
and rather too short — (owing maybe to the upward heave of the 
bosom, as is the case sometimes with dresses from ill-made or too 
much tournure and bustle,) — for the article stood forth, not 
from the canvass but from the person, and all smooth and un- 

^ A name applied to hangmen, from Richard Jaquett, to whom the 
manor of Tyburn once belonged. — Brewer's Diet, of Phrase and Fable. 



THIRD YEAR 285 

wrinkled as if just from under the hot smoothing-iron! And, alas! 
its great brevity — (and the figure up so high too) — revealed the 
sturdy ankles away up till they began to turn into limbs ! 

The feet, unlike Liberty's martyrs in the Revolution, and to in- 
dicate our advance in comfort and security, and perhaps in com- 
pliment to a ladies' shoe-maker just established next the Woodville 
House, were covered with a pair of red morocco slippers; while 
on the ankles and upwards were drazvn nice white stockings — so 
that there was no denudity of limb, as a lady-reader may have 
feared, and the fashionable frock was not so bad after all. Some 
error, perhaps, in foreshortening had happened as to the position 
of the feet, or rather the red moroccos ; for, while the artist de- 
signed to represent the right foot as stepping from the other, and 
the left, as pointing the shoe-toe at the spectator immediately 
in front, yet the right shoe was fixed horizontally with its heel at 
a right angle with the other, and that other, the left hung perpen- 
dicularly down as if broken at the instep — a marvellous likeness 
to the two slippers on the shoe-maker's own sign, one there with 
its sole slap against the board, and the other up and down as if 
hung upon a peg. 

And oh ! how I do wish I had not been born before the era of 
composition books ! — or only now could take a few lessons with 
the author of one! — so as write with all the modern improve- 
ments, like the talented family of the Tailmaquers in the leading 
magazines and other picture books for grown up children ! — I 
should so like to describe the putting up of our new tavern post, 
and the first hanging of the Goddess of Liberty ! But that's not for 
the like of me — I'm no orator as Brutus. How can I paint the 
open-mouthed wonder of that crowd! How make you see the 
hunchings ! — the winks ! — the nods ! — the pointings ! — or hear the 
exclamations ! — the queries I — the allowings ! — the powerf uls ! — the 
uproar? And when lawyer Insidias Cutswcll. candidate for Con- 
gress, mounted the " boss block" at the post, and ended his half- 
hour's speech — oh! I never! 

EXTRACT. 

" Beautiful, indeed, fellow-citizens, vibrates above 



us in the free air and sunshine of Heaven, that picture! but 
more beautiful even is our own dear, blood-bought liberty ! Long! 



286 THIRD YEAR 

long may her sign dance and rejoice there — (pointing up) — long, 
long may her image repose here — (slapping the chest and rather 
low) — and long, long, long live our enterprising townsman and 
fellow-citizen, who, untaught, has yet so ably embodied all that is 
substantial and solid, and upright and unflinching and stable in 
abstract, glorious, lovely liberty — our townsman, Allheart!" 
But "Non possumus omnia" must be our moral and conclusion. 



CHAPTER XXXVn. 

"His tears run down his beard, like water drops 
From caves of reeds." 

Early this autumn. Aunt Kitty having after considerable un- 
fixings got us fixed, returned to Glenville, whither we all at the 
same time paid a flying visit. At our arrival, we found true the 
report that John was defeated in his views on the clerkship by a 
majority against him of eleven; and that our ex-legislator had now 
leisure to collect the debts due Glenville & Co. — debts increased 
by two political campaigns into "a puttee powerful smart little 
heap." 

This business would have been altogether easy and pleasant, 
but for two small obstacles ; most of our debtors who were very 
willing indeed to pay, had no visible property ; and the rest were 
even invisible themselves ! For, pleased with the credit system in 
the Purchase, they had gone to try it elsewhere, and had become 
suddenly so unmindful of "the powerfuUest smartest man and 
damdest cleverest feller in the county," as to go away without 
one tender adieu ! The fact is, our dear old friends had absquatu- 
lated, and gone away off somewhere to give other candidates a 
sort of a lift. 

But important changes almost destructive of Glenville Settle- 
ment, were now on the eve of accomplishment. Mr. Hilsbury 
had, his health being ruined, resigned his bishopric with all its 
emoluments, and was about returning to the far east; and Uncle 
Tommy from an irrepressible spirit of wandering, was just start- 
ing to go and build a cabin on Lake Michigan.^ And so, we had 
come in time to bid farewell ! 

1 If still there, somebody out there can make a book. 



THIRD YEAR 287 

How melancholy the houses already, seemed so soon to be ten- 
antless, and then so soon to moulder and fall into ruins ; — a 
deserted cabin quickly changes, like a body left by the vital spark ; 
Ah ! how dreary the forest would be without friends ! I had no 
spirits to hunt; although I wandered away and sat down on the 
bank of the creek opposite the little islet where the deer lay down 
to die — but without my rifle — it was to weep ! Reader ! if you have 
a soul you will not laugh at me; — and if you have none, then 
laugh away, poor creature, why should you not enjoy yourself 
your own way? — ^but dear reader with a soul, I after that went 
and sat down in the old bark-mill. And there I recalled the morn- 
ing we stumbled down the opposite cliff into Uncle John's open 
arms — I saw the very spot where the mother had clasped the 
daughter to her bosom, and "lifted up her voice and wept" — and 
the sad spot too where that mother now rested in the lonely grave ! 
I remembered the fresh revival of early dreams and visions real- 
ized in the novelty of a wild forest life! — ay! I recalled the 
oddity of my labours — and even that poor mute, but wholly irra- 
tional companion ! — and when I felt in my soul that changes, had 
come and were yet coming, and that I never, no, never, could be 
in these woods as I had been — I even wept there, too, reader! — 
not loud indeed, but bitterly ! 

* ;!= sH >i; * * 

In a few days we took a mournful farewell of the two families 
going from Glenville ; and with no expectation of ever meeting 
again in this life. True, some of these persons, wanderers like 
ourselves, we did meet for a brief space in other parts of the 
United States again; but others we have never seen since the 
morning of our separation. And at this hour we know not 
where Uncle Tommy lives — or if dead, where his grave is ! In 
this work, however, there will be no further mention of these 
two families. 

:!; ^ ;|c * -i= 'i' 

During the past summer Uncle John had been appointed a lay 
delegate from the Welden Diocese to attend an ecclesiastical con- 
vention about to meet early this fall at \'incennes ; and he now, 
before our return to Woodville, obtained my promise to accom- 
pany him. Accordingly, a few days after our return, he, and 



288 THIRD YEAR 

with him Bishop Shrub, called on me, and we three set out for 
the Convention, or as all such gatherings are there called — the 
Big Meeting. 

The weather was luxurious, and the ride across the small 
prairies was to me, who now for the first time saw these natural 
meadows, indescribably bewitching; indeed, this first glimpse of 
the prairie world was like beholding an enchanted country ! The 
enchanted land in that most transcendently enchanting book, the 
Pilgrim's Progress, came so naturally to one's mind, that surely 
Bunyan must have imagined a world like this meadowy land of 
wild and fragrant scents wafted by balmy airs from countless 
myriads of blossoms and flowers ! Nothing is like the mellow light, 
as the sun sinks down far away behind the cloudless line of 
blended earth and sky — as if there one could, at a step, pass from 
the plane of this lower world through the hazy concave into the 
world of the ransomed! The bosoms of these grassy lakes 
undulate at the slighest breeze, and are sprinkled with picturesque 
islets of timber, on which the trees are fancifully and regularly 
d'ispiosed, suggesting an arrangement by the taste of an unrecorded 
people of bygone centuries for pleasure and religion. The whole 
brought back delusive dreams — we felt the strange and half- 
celestial thrill of a fairy scene! 

But pass we to a more earthly one. Eight miles from Vincennes 
we stopped at a friend's house to shave and preach ; for among 
western folks a bishop is supposed to be made for preaching and 
we use him accordingly — and not infrequently we use him entire- 
ly up. The preaching was in due season easily performed, but 
the shaving, ah! there's the — scrape! Bishop Shrub was for- 
tunately shaved close enough to last to Vincennes ; not so Uncle 
John and myself. And when the old gentleman examined his 
saddlebags, alas ! alas ! by an unaccountable negligence our razors 
and concomitants had been left at Woodville ! But this f orget- 
fulness was promptly supplied, I may add, and punished also by 
our host ; for he offered his own razor — a curious cutting tool in a 
wooden handle nearly as large and quite as rough as a corn-cob ! 
The bone handle, or make-believe-turtle one, had, in the course of 
ages, been worn away by the handling of grandsires and grand- 
sons ; and so had the edge itself by the ferocious stubble on the 




Dr. Daviu 11. M.\x\\Ki,L 
One of the Founders of Indiana Univer.sity i(S20 



THIRD YEAR 289 

chins of woodsmen ! Or perhaps it had been tritered away on a 
grindstone — the thing so much resembled a farmer's knife done 
up for hog-kilHng! 

Now Uncle John's countenance ( ?) was tender as a lamb's. 
Hence his razors were always in prime order ; and when he and I 
shaved with his articles in company, he always insisted on the 
— first shave. But to-day, the excellent old gentleman most con- 
descendingly gave me the precedence, internally resolving to 
watch my performance and success, and then to shave or not 
accordingly. Well, duly appreciating this unusual condescension, 
and thinking it a pity Uncle John should enter Vincennes with 
such a crop as his chin now held, we also secretly purposed — viz. 
to go through the whole affair without one audible or visible sign 
of torture! For certain was it, that if Mr. Carlton whose face 
was just as lamb-like as Mr. Seymour's, shaved without wincing, 
certain was it, Uncle John, long before my complete abrasion, 
would be so in the suds that, for consistency's sake, he must go 
through the whole scrape before he would get out of it. 

Hence I strapped the oyster-knife, first on the instep of my 
boot, making there, however, an ominous scratch or two; then 
on the cover of a leaven-bit Testament done up in freckled leather ; 
and finally, although very lightly, on the palm of my hand secun- 
dum artem : after which I made a feint at a hair, and then laid 
down the tormentor with so complacent compression of my lips 
as to say, that notwithstanding looks, the razor after all was 
"jeest" the very thing! Next, with a small bundle of swine's 
bristles tied in the middle with a waxed thread, I applied, out of a 
broken blue tea-cup, as much brown soap lather to my face as 
would stick; and then with a genuine far-east barber's flourish, 
touched the vile old briar-hook to my cheek, boldly and — lightly 
as possible. 

Reader! I did not swear in those days, but I could not avoid 
saying mentally — "O-o-o-h ! go-o-od ! gramine ! !" — and thinking 
of Job and the barrel of ale. Some profane wretches would have 
cursed right out as horribly as Pope Pius or Innocent, the znce-god 
damning and blackguarding a Calvinistic heretic ; and for which 
malignancy the said Pope deserves to be scraped over his whole 
divine carcass twice a-day with the above razor, and without the 



290 THIRD YEAR 

alleviation of the brown soap. Happily for the success of my 
benevolent stratagem I kept in; for at the moment I caught a 
glimpse of uncle John's face peeping over my shoulder into the 
tiny bit of looking-glass, and with his spectacles on! But if he 
did detect the involuntary tear in my eye, and take the alarm, he 
became instantly calm again by seeing the smile on my lip ! Blood 
he discerned not ; the tool was guiltless of all cutting, and brought 
away no beard save what it pulled out by the roots. Hence uncle 
John was most esentially bamboozled ; and long before my beard 
was all plucked up, he had laid aside his coat and cravat, and 
according to custom and to soften his beard, he was lathering 
away with the hog bristles and brown soap. 

Had the old gentleman taken a peep now, he must have smelled 
the rat; for, spite of pain and tears, my laugh was too broad for 
mere delectability from a good shave — there was mischief and, I 
fear, some hypocrisy in the scarcely suppressed chuckle. However, 
being done, or scraped, I put down the eradicator with the air of 
one willing to shave all day with such a razor ; upon which Uncle 
John advanced and took up the thing, manifesting, indeed, a 
little suspicion on glancing at its edge, and yet with very com- 
mendable confidence too ; and then after the usual strappings and 
flourishings, he seized his nose with the left hand, and with the 
right laid the scraper sideways on a cheek, and essayed a rapid and 
oblique sweep towards his ear. 

Ah ! me ! — if I live a thousand more years, I shall ever be 
haunted by the dear old gentleman's look ! Such a compound of 
surprise, and vexation, and pain, and fun, and humour! Such a 
"Carlton — you — rascal — you! — if I don't — never mind!" expres- 
sion as met my view while I peeped over his shoulder into the frag- 
ment of glass against the wall ! And then as he espied me therein 
grinning, when he turned, and with eyes swimming in tears, 
uttered in a whisper, and between a cry and a laugh, his favourite 
expression of benevolence and amazement — "Oh ! — cry ! — out !" 

Yes ! yes ! if one could have cried out, or even laughed out ! 
But there was our host and all his family ; and the father kept on 
at very judicious intervals with praise of that razor, thus : — 
"Powerful razor that, Mr. Carlton ! Grandaddy used to say he'd 
shaved with it when he was young, Mr. Seymour! and his face 



THIRD YEAR 291 

was near on about as saft as yourn I allow. However its getting 
oldish now, and don't cut near as sharpish as it once did — allow 
it wants grinding: still I wouldn't give it for are another two I 
ever seen." 

Could one dare venture to complain about such a razor ! against 
which no dog had even wagged a tongue or a tail for a hundred 
years ! So we cried in and laughed in then — but when we got out 
of sight and hearing in the prairie! Nobody, I fear, would have 
conjectured we were going to the big meeting. Poor dear, old 
Uncle John ! I am laughing even now at thy beloved face in 
that most furious lather of brown soap ! and with that grand 
swathe cut through towards thy ear by that venerable briar-hook ! 
— ay! and at that concentration of kindness, surprise, and joke- 
taking embodied in — "Oh! cry out!" 

"But, la! me! Mr. Carlton, where's the moral of this story?" 

My dear madam, some stories have no moral ; but the design is 
to warn you never to travel in new settlements if your face is 
tender without your own shaving apparatus. 

"For shame! — ladies never shave." 

Oh! my — the sentence is carlessly constructed; but none can 
say where beards may not grow next. Certainly they are now 
founds if not on girls' chins, yet on very girlish faces. And 
agriculture of all kinds is now better understood, and the most 
unpromising soils produce the most astonishing crops: and be- 
sides, we are evidently in the Hairy Age, and tobacco is puffed 
and spurted from hairy lips like black mud from a quagmire 

"Sir! this is offensive!" 

Very; therefore let us quit it. 



CHAPTER XXXVIII. 

"When holy and devout religious men 
Are at their beads, 'tis hard to draw them hence." 

"Love and meekness, lord, 
Become a churchman better than ambition." 

On reaching Vincennes our party, as others, were quartered 
upon the citizens ; and such kindness as belongs pre-eminently to 
the West and South was bestowed upon us during the week of the 
convention. 

Vincennes has been the scene of many meetings, civil, political, 
ecclesiastical, and military; to say nothing about Frenchified- 
Indian-councils and Indianised-French-dances, and other odd 
things produced by this amalgamation of the red and white sav- 
ages. But now it was the theatre of two remarkable exhibitions, 
— the gathering of a Protestant council, and the erection of a 
Papistical cathedral !— strange meeting of light and darkness. 
And both professed to be for the propagation of the religion of 
Jesus Christ. 

Now, whether the simple shining of truth in the reading and 
preaching of a vernacular Bible, and in the good lives and ex- 
amples of puritanic Christians, and without aid from the civil 
arm, and without a base indulgence of men's evil passions and pro- 
pensities, shall be more potent than a tradition, dark, bewildering, 
and uncertain, delivered by doctors and professors of the fagot 
and the thumb-screw, admits a question; but, judging from the 
success that has always attended the affectionate embraces of the 
old woman with the scarlet mantle and especially when seated 
amid "the wimples and crisping-pins," the roasters, and 
boilers, and toasters of the Inquisition, — from the efficacy of 
sweet doses and sugared cups and intoxicating bowls of indulgen- 
ces granted to the saints and holy ones, it is more than likely 
that the great crowd of such as "love darkness" and "the wages 
of unrighteousness," and "prefer the pleasures of sin for a sea- 
son," will — (and are not such the ol ttoWoi) will become militant, 
and on earth triumphant members of the Holy ( ?) Catholic ( ??) 
Church (???) 

292 



THIRD YEAR 293 

In vain, while looking at the sacred walls of the cathedral ris- 
ing brick by brick, did I severely chide my antagonist feelings as 
heretical pravity; in vain recall the oft-repeated remark, that we 
were in the nineteenth century, the age of courtesy, and charity, 
and light, and wisdom, and oh! of ever so many first chop good 
things beside; in vain remember that human nature had been 
gradually refining ever since the days of Judas Iscariot, till it 
was now ten per cent, per annum better and more spiritual and 
heavenly-minded ; yea, poor sinner that I was, in vain I said this 
is the march of mind, and that I was, poor sneaking doubter, in 
danger of falling into the rear of my age ! Nothing would do — 
but my historic readings kept intruding in the most impertinent 
and unbecoming manner; and I was abominably harassed with the 
fables of the Vaudois — and Huguenots — and Jerome — and Huss 
— St. Bartholomew's, and Irish, and other massacres, and all such 
ridiculous things! Nay, I was plunged most unreasonably into 
nasty dungeons, and saw racks, and halters, and augers, — and, 
silly creature, I imagined an auto da fe! and heard shouts and 
groans ! and smelled incense, faggots and gunpowder ! and even 
Te Deums for the death of ungodly heretics wickedly killed by 
the state, contrary to the entreaties of the Holy Church ! Alas ! 
reprobate that I was, for reading books proscribed by that Church ! 
— and all those books got up by folks worthy of no credit — ene- 
mies of the Church and of the Pope, — and who would wickedly 
tell when they were tortued, and refused to be damned for ever 
by escaping from prison, gibbets and stakes ! 

And then I said. Oh ! you unreasonable man, has not the Holy 
Catholic Church long since given up her bloody persecuting prin- 
ciples, and resolved nex'er to do so again, if we will only take on 
her yoke — until she gets the power? Alas! I thought of political 
mottos used as ornaments^ to secular newspapers, such as 
"Power steals from the many to the few;'' and of that narrow, 
bigotted puritanical sentiment, "The heart is decefitful above 
all things and desperately wicked ;" and so I turned to contemplate. 

1 Ornaments — since most such papers watch only their Protestant 
friends who do not yieed it. 



294 THIRD YEAR 

THE PROTESTANT CONVOCATION, 

And I could not but feel grateful to the rightful Head of the 
spiritual Church, that here was a little band hated of Rome 
and Oxford.- For with the men of this conference the true light 
had travelled thus far westward, and we hoped it might shine out 
far and wide over the noble plains, and dispel the gloom of the 
grand forests — since the march of the mind is only an evil without 
the march of the Bible. 

This Protestant assembly was a gathering of delegates princi- 
pally from the land of Hoosiers and Suckers; but with a smart 
sprinkling of Corn-crackers, and a small chance of Pukes ^ from 
beyond the father of floods, and even one or two from the Buck- 
eye country. These were not all eminent for learning, and polish, 
and dress, wearing neither gowns nor cocked-hats; although 
some there were worthy seats in the most august assemblies any 
where, and however distinguished for wit, learning, and good- 
ness. Most of them, indeed, carried to excess a somewhat false 
and dangerous maxim: "better wear out than rust out." — since 
it is better to do neither. And worn truly were they, both in 
apparel and body, as they entered the town on jaded horses, 
after many days of hard and dangerous travelling away from 
their cabin-homes, left far behind in dim woods beyond rivers, 
hills and prairies. 

And what came they together for ? Mainly, I believe, to preach, 
to pray, to tell about their successes and disappointments and en- 
couragements — their hopes, and fears, and sorrow — to rectify past 
errors, and form better plans for doing good for the future — to 
see, and encourage, and strengthen one another. Business, in the 
semi-politico-ecclesiastical sense, they did little — for of that was 
but little to do. And there were few causes of heart-burning and 
jealousy. No richly endowed professorships, no a la mode con- 
gregations were found in all their vast extent of dioceses — no 
world's treasures or places to tempt to divide, to sour! 

Truly it was a House of Bishops, if not' of Lords: if by a 
bishop is meant one that has the care of many congregations, an 

-The Oxford movement, 1831-33, was taking eminent divines of the 
English Church toward Rome shortly before Hall wrote, Cardinals Man- 
ning and Newman among them. 

2 "Corn crackers" were Kentuckians, "Pukes" were Missourians. 



THIRD YEAR 295 

enormous parish, abundant religious labours, and a salary of one 
or two hundred dollars above nothing. In the midst of so fra- 
ternal and cheerful a band of misters and brothers, I was con- 
stantly reminded of an old saying; ''Behold! how these Christians 
love one another !" What could exceed their cordial and reciprocal 
greetings at each arrival! What their courtesy in debate? What 
the deep interest in each other's welfare? — the lively emotions 
excited by their religious narratives and anecdotes? And then 
their tender farewells! To many the separation was final as to 
this life — but why should that make us sad? They who find 
heaven begun on earth, meet beyond the grave, and there find 
heaven consummated ! 

Brother Shrub and myself were entertained, during the con- 
vention week, at the house of a medical gentleman, eminent in 
his profession, but addicted, it was said, to profanity in ordi- 
nary conversation. Without premonition, no suspicion of so 
blameworthy a practice could have arisen in our minds ; for no 
real Christian ever showed guests greater courtesy, or seemed so 
far from profaneness than our gentlemanly host. He did not 
even annoy us with lady-like mincings, putting forth the buddings 
of profanity in "la! me! — good gracious!" and the like. 

But on Sabbath night, our conversation taking a religious turn, 
the subject of profane swearing was incidentally named, when I 
could not resist the temptation of drawing a bow at a venture ; and 
so I said: 

"Doctor, we leave you to-morrow ; and be assured we are very 
grateful to Mrs. D. and yourself; but may I say dear sir, we 
have been disappointed here?" 

"Disappointed !" 

"Yes, sir, but most agreeably " 

"In what, Mr. Carlton?" 

"Will you pardon me, if I say we were misinformed, and 
may I name it?" 

"Certainly, sir, say what you wish." 

"Well, my dear sir, we were told that Doctor D. was not 
guarded in his language — but surely you are misrepresented " 

"Sir," interrupted he, "I do honour you for candour; yet, sir, I 
regret to say you have not been misinformed. I do, and, 



296 THIRD YEAR 

perhaps, habitually use profane language; but, sir, can 
you think I would swear before religious people, and one of them 
a clergyman?" 

Tears stood in my eyes (the frank-heartedness of a gentleman 
always starts them) as I took his hand, and replied: 

"My dear sir, you amaze us! Can it be that Doctor D., so 
courteous and so intelligent a man, has greater reverence for us 
than for the venerable God!" 

"Gentlemen," replied the Doctor, and with a tremulous voice, 
"I never did before see the utter folly of profane swearing. I 
will abandon it for ever," 

Reader, are you profane? Imitate the manly recantation of my 
estimable friend, Doctor D. 

"To Swear — is neither brave, polite, nor ztAse; 
You would not swear upon the bed of death — 
Reflect — your Maker now could stop your breath !" 

During the week, in company with some clergymen, we visited 
'the grave of a young man, who, unavoidably exposed to a fatal 
illness in discharging his missionary duties, had died at Vincennes 
in early manhood, and far away from his widow-mother's home. 
Deep solemnity was in the little company of his classmates as they 
stood gazing where rested the remains of the youthful hero! 
Dear young man, his warfare was soon ended — and there he lay 
among the silent ones in the scented meadow-land of the far 
west! He heard not the voice of the wind, whether it breathed 
rich with the fragrance of wild sweets, or roared around in the 
awful tones of the hurricane, sweeping over the vastness of the 
measureless plains! Nor heard he the sighs of his comrades — 
nor saw their sudden tears wiped away with the stealthy motion 
of a rapid hand ! 

To him that visit was vain ; not so to us, for we departed, re- 
solved ourselves to be ready for an early death. And since then 
several of that little company of mourners in a strange land have 
themselves, and before the meridian of life, gone down to the 
sides of the pit! 

Are you ready, my reader? 

Time is a price to buy eternity ! 



CHAPTER XXXIX. 

"Tree! why hast thou doffed thy mantle of green 
For the gorgeous garb of an "ndian queen? 
With the ambered brown and the crimson stain 
And the yellow fringe on its 'broidered train? 
And the autumn gale through it« branches sighed 
Of a long arrear, for the transient pride." — Sigourney. 

Uncle John and I, being now very near Illinois, where resided 
a distant relative of ours, determined to pay him a visit. This 
person was much like Uncle Tommy in his leather-stocking pro- 
pensities, but in no other respects ; except that he was, at first, a 
squatter, and had escaped on some occasions, being scalped by the 
Indians. Once, too, he escaped an ambuscade as he descended the 
Ohio river with several other young men in a boat. Incautiously 
approaching too near the bank, our relative was saved from death 
by being in the act of bending to his oar at the flash of the Indian 
rifles ; for their balls, barely passing over his back, struck the 
breast of a comrade, who fell dead at his side. But, before the 
enemy could reload, the boat was rowed beyond their reach. And 
so our friend lived, and ever since had kept on growing till he 
now had become a venerable and patriarchal Sucker, counting 
some sixty-five concentric circles in his earthly vegetation. 

Our way led through successive and beautiftil little prairies, 
separated by rich bottom lands of heavy timber and other inter- 
posing woody districts — the trees being all magnificently glorious 
in the autumnal colours of their dense foliage. No artificial dyes 
rival the scarlet, the crimson, the orange, the brown, of the sylvan 
dresses — giant robes and scarfs, hung with indescribable grandeur 
and grace, over the rough arms and rude trunks of the forest ! 

And voices enough of bird, and beast, and insect, and reptile, to 
break the solitude of the treeless plains ; but, on entering a district 
of wood, the uproar of tones, voices, shrieks, hisses, barkings, and 
a hundred other nameless cries, was deafening! It was bewilder- 
ing! How like the enchanted hills and groves of the Arabian 
Tales! Indeed, had a penalty awaited our looking around, we 
should have become stone, or stump, or paroquet, or squirrel, a 
thousand times over and over, much to our surprise and mortifi- 

297 



298 THIRD YEAR 

cation ! The bewildering tumult assailing him, on entering the 
solemn dark of primitive oriental forests, must have suggested 
to the Magician of the Thousand and One Nights, some of the 
charms and witcheries and incantations that entranced our first 
years of boyhood and dreams ! To the elfish notes of four-footed 
and creeping goblins and winged and gay sprites, were added the 
rustle of fresh fallen leaves, the crackling of brush-wood, the 
rattling of branch and bush, the strange creaking of great trees, 
rubbing in amity their arms and boughs, and the wailing and 
moaning of fitful winds; and this formed our sinless Babel. 

Under the most favourable arrangement of lungs, and larynx 
and ears, conversation is a labour in such groves and meadows ; 
but, ah ! my dear friend, if one's comrade is deaf ! or still worse 
if he is a modest man of the muttery and whispery genus ! and 
hearing uncommonly sharp himself, takes for granted you hear 
ditto! True, if you like to do talking, and the other hearing, that 
is the very thing; but alas! our escort in this episodial trip, who 
was a Mr. Mealymouth, was even more desirous of talking than 
hearing! And what made it more awful, it was not possible to 
answer him in the "Amen-at-a-venture" mode; for most of Mr. 
Mealymouth's queries, which were numerous as a pedlar's from 
the land of guesses, admitted not the mere answer yes or no, but 
demanded explanatory replies like those of Professor Didactic. 
He asked to find out what you knezv, and not to be ansivercd. 

Uncle John quickly contrived to shuffle out of this scrape, and 
with a most unchristian design to take revenge for the razor 
afifair; but then he ought not to have paid back with so terrible 
an interest. Nay, he lagged just in our rear, every now and then 
switching my creature, till the huzzy — (a lady horse) — feared to 
quit the side of the escort's horse — (a horse-horse) — and so kept 
on even a head with him, pace for pace, trot for trot, shuffle for 
shuffle ; her eyes strained backward, her ears pointed and tremu- 
lous, and her heels in the paulo-ante-future tense of being-nearly- 
about-a-going-to-kick ; — while I, completely snared and in-for-it, 
could be seen, all eye and ear, with my neck away out forward to 
catch the sense of Mr. Mealymouth muttering and whispering 
some half articulate question direct or indirect, thus : 

"Well— Carlt— powerful— don't— allow?" 



THIRD YEAR 299 

"Si-i-i-r?" at the top of my voice to provoke him to a higher 
pitch. 

"Most powerful good meet — reckon — dont — ?" 
"Oh! yes, rather lean, however, — it wasn't stall fed — think it 
was?" — ( thought he alluded to the beefsteak at breakfast.) 
"Meetin — meetin — convoc — hard heerin — allow ?" 
"The leaves rattle so — oh! yes, noble set of good men." 
"Mr. Carlton — allow — Mr. Seymour — ain't he?" 
"Yes! — no!" And turning round I bellowed out; — "Hullow! 
Uncle John, ride up, Mr. Mealymouth wants you !" 

"Road too narrow — 'fraid of things getting rubbed in my saddle- 
bags," — replied Uncle J. 

Here I politely made a movement to fall in the rear and give 
up my privilege; but my skittish jade, catching sight of Uncle 
John's upraised switch, snorted, and cocking back her ears trotted 
me up again to the place of punishment — while from Uncle 
John's face, it was plain enough he was indulging in a malicious 
inward laugh. Nay, although I hate to tell it, he actually put 
up his finger against his cheek and made signs of shaving! — a 
pretty way for a pious man of returning good for evil ! 

I shall not detail all my misapprehensions nor contrivances to 
avoid answering at hazard, as for instance, suddenly crying out, 
when expected to reply to a query — "See! see! that deer!" — or — 
"Hurraw! for the turkeys there!" — or — "Smell cowcumbers — ■ 
guess a rattlesnake's near?" Nor shall I relate how, at last, I did 
get behind Uncle John; and how Mr. M. fell back and rode with 
him; I ever and anon admonishing Mr. Seymour to take care of 
his saddle-bags ; — nor how Uncle John was attacked with a very 
uncommon and alarming stiffness, rendering it necessary for him 
to dismount and walk a whole mile ; and how he over took us at 
the ford of the Wabash, Mr. M. fortunately volunteering to lead 
his horse ; but I hasten to say that about evening we reached the 
house of a friend who had invited us to call on him, and that 
here, to crown the pleasures of the day, we found our host Mr. 
Softspeech was even more inarticulate in speech than Mr. Mealy- 
mouth himself. 

Uncle John now proposed to bury the hatchet, and form a league 
of ofifence and defence; hence, after due deliberation while out 
washing and wiping, it was concluded that we both sit together. 



300 THIRD YEAR 

and always in front of the fire; thus keeping our innocent tor- 
mentors each at opposite sides of the chimney place. For first, 
this would do them a service by compelling them to talk out, it 
seeming impossible if they designed speaking to one another at 
all, to do it long in a mutter; and secondly, if we were assailed by 
either enemy right or left, we should have four ears to defend 
and aid us, instead of two, and so we could together compound 
a pretty fair answer: — this judicious arrangement made us nearly 
equal to a Siamese twins. 

And yet, one important matter was found to have been over- 
looked — the effect on our risibility. For when the two cousins of 
Simongosoftly began a gentle stir of murmuring lips, and both 
found, in despite of keen ears, that articulate language must be 
used; and when evident vexation from their reciprocal mutters 
and mistakes arose, and they looked at one another in a style 

like saying, "Blast you, why don't you speak louder?" Oh! 

dear reader, would you have believed it. Uncle John all at 
once laughed right out ! — and then you know I couldn't help it — 
could I ? 

But then, the old gentleman turned it so adroitly, thus : 

"Mr, Carlton," — said he — "whenever I think of that trick you 
served me about the razor I can't help laughing." 

And of course that affair was narrated ; and we had the satis- 
faction of finding our two friends could laugh like Christians, if 
they could not talk like them. And truly man is pretty much of a 
laughing animal — and certainly none deserves to be more laughed 
at; although for this vile sin of muttering, and grumbling, and 
whispering out words with a fixed jaw, and eyes half-shut up like 
a dreamy cat in the sunshine, words, that should be articulated in 
the sweet vocality of human speech, the whole abominable tribe 
of Mealymouths deserves not only to be laughed and hooted at, but 
actually well scourged. 

Well, we paid our visit to our Sucker relative; and then, after 
the two worthy old gentlemen had exhausted their reminiscences, 
and edified one another with adventures in hunting, and fishing, 
and camping out, and voyaging, and so on, we bade farewells; 
and Uncle John and myself, but without an escort, took the 
homeward trail. The accidents in the path belong to the next 
chapter. 



CHAPTER XL. 

"Being skilled in these parts, which to a stranger 
Unguided and unfriended, often prove 
Rough and inhospitable." 

On the return, our first night was passed with the host of the 
antediluvian razor. But going into the woods we needed now no 
shaving ; although we shortly became entangled in another scrape, 
to be estimated in comparison and contrast, according to the ten- 
derness of one's face, and his leggins and trousers. 

Let me not forget that, before reaching Razorville, we had 
passed through a primitive world, an antique French settlement ; 
and in it could be discerned no trace of modern arts and inven- 
tions ; but agriculture, architecture and other matters were so 
ancient that we seemed to have come among aboriginal Egyptians 
or Greeks. The carts or wagons were like the wain of Ceres, 
and moved on spokeless wheels of solid wood, without naves, and, 
if circumference applied to wheels must be a circle, without cir- 
cumference. 

The horse — if such may be called a dwarf, shaggy pony, so 
dirty and earthy as to seem raised in a crop, like turnips or pota- 
toes — this villanous and cunning horse was tied to the Cerealian 
vehicle by thongs of elm bark, fastened to a collar of corn blades 
around his neck; and he had a head-gear of elm bark ropes for 
halter or bridle — but sometimes he had no head-gear whatever. 
He was driven usually by flagellation from a stick-whip, in size 
between a switch and a pole, yet often with a corn-stalk fourteen 
feet long without its tassel, and, not infrequently, by a clod or 
rock ^ thrown against his head or side. 

At the first hint from the persuasives, shaggy coat would merely 
shake his head and look up, and then, with an impudent flourish 
of a tail compounded of burrs and horsehair, he would pull away 
— not, indeed, at his load — but at the corn-blades and ears dang- 
ling in plenty about his unmuzzled mouth. On a repetition of the 
hint, especially if accompanied by a Canadianised- French exe- 
cration — (and its potency may be thus judged) — pony would 

1 All minute pieces of granite, &c., are called rocks out there— but eVen 
little things there are big. 

301 



302 THIRD YEAR 

whisk with his cart same half-dozen decided jerks, attended by 
the ratthng of his corn-collar, the straining of bark traces, and 
the screeching of dry wheel and axis; minus also a mess of corn 
bounced from the wain at every jerk. And thus matters pro- 
ceeded, with iterations of thumps, pelts, curses, and outcries on 
one side, and jerks ahead on the other, till the horse and wagon 
was clear of the corn-field — and then look out ! Pony had now 
no more to expect in the way of mouth fuls till he reached the 
stack-yard, and so, go ahead was his motto — and, with him, no 
idle sentiment! True, the machine wabbled and bounced — that 
was owing to the inartificiality of the workmanship, and the as- 
perities of the ground; the load jumped over the sides or rattled 
from the tail — that was because the sides were too low, and there 
was no tail-board ; perhaps, even the collar broke, and little 
shaggy was released — the collar should have been leather: his 
duty was plain — to get to the stack-yard as speedily as possible, 
with or without a cart, or with it full or empty. 

How my nameless quadrupedal old friend would have relished 
and adorned this arcadian life! What a theatre for his abilities 
and accomplishments! It may be something to live in clover; but 
what is life in a clover-patch of a dozen rods, to life in a prairie 
corn-field of a thousand acres? 

But this is digression, of which, indeed, other examples occurred 
on our way home. 

A friend of ours, a citizen of Woodville, returning now from 
Vincennes, and who travelled in a small one-horse-wagon, had 
told us of a short cut across the prairie ; and had stated also that, 
while the path was an almost imperceptible trace, being used only 
by a few horsemen, still we should easily follow the marks of 
his wheels — and thus a whole hour could be gained. Passing us, 
therefore, on the evening we had reached Razorville, he went by 
the short cut to "ole man Stafford's," a distance of seven miles, 
intending there to stay all night and await our arrival to a very 
early breakfast next morning, — the remainder of the journey to 
be made in company. 

Well, an hour before day-break on Tuesday morning we put 
out, and in half an hour came to the "blind path," into which 
we struck bold enough, considering we had to dismount to find it, 
and that from the dimness of the early morn, no wagon ruts could 



THIRD YEAR 303 

yet be discerned. But as the light increased, we could see here 
and there in the grass traces of a light wagon ; and that embold- 
ened us to trot on very fast, in the comfortable assurance of rap- 
idly approaching a snug breakfast of chicken fixins, eggs, ham- 
doins, and corn slap-jacks. By degrees the prairie turned into 
timber land ; but that had been expected, although the woods 
were rather more like thickets and swamps than ought to be 
encountered on entering the Stafford country. Still, every two 
or three rods was some mark of our friend's wagon; and as short 
cuts often pass through out-of-the-way districts, and we travelled 
now not by stars, or sun, or compass, but by wheel-ruts, we 
deemed it best to stick to our guide and Uncle John's old saw — 
" 'tis a long lane that has no turn." 

At last we came to the edge of a dense and dark thicket ; and 
here, at right angles with the ruts (for long since the six-inch 
horse-path had run out, or sunk, or evaporated, or something), 
ran a deep and wide gulley blocked with fallen trees and brush- 
wood; over which of course the wagon had got somehow, and, as 
was natural, without leaving any visible trace. This deficiency 
was, however, not important, because, you know, we should find 
the wagon tracks on the far side of the ravine; and so over we 
went working, where the impediments seemed fewest, in zig-zag 
method, for about two hundred yards, when all at once we rose, 
large as life, up the opposite bank, and instantly began talking: — 

"See any ruts?" 

"No,— do you?" 

"No,— let's ride to the left." 

"Through that papaw and spice ! — no, no, try the right." 

"The right! — look at the grape and green briar— better keep 
straight ahead." 

"Straight ahead, indeed !— that's worse than the other courses." 

"Why, how in the name of common sense did Mr. Thorn ever 
get his wagon through here ! — come, you go right and I'll go left, 
and let's see if we can't find the wheelruts." 

And then we separated ; but after hard "scrouging" each way 
some hundred yards, and halloing questions, answers, doubts, 
guesses, &c., &c., in a very unmealymouthed manner, till we be- 
.,ame hoarse, and withal finding no ruts, nor even hoof-marks. 



304 



THIRD YEAR 



we came together and held a council. The result of the delibera- 
tion was: 

1. That we were probably — (Uncle J. being a woodsman would 
allow only a probability) — were probably lost: 

2. That maybe we might have followed a wrong wagon, and 
maybe we might not : 

3. That maybe we had better go back, and maybe we had not : 

4. That as it was likely we had been spirited into the Great 
Thicket of the White River, it would be best to work ahead, and 
strike the river itself now, up or doivn which (I forget which 
Uncle J. said) was a settlement maybe. 

This last proposition having a decided majority of two voices, 
we began to work our passage into the river, Mr. Seymour as 
general in the van, Mr. C. as rear-guard. 

Now how shall our swamp be described? What language can 
here be an echo to the sense? Any attempt of the sort would be 
so complicated an implexicity in the interwovenness of the cir- 
cularity, that should give the sight, and sound, and fragrance of 
the maziness in that most amazing of mazes, where all sorts of 
crookednesses made contortion worse in its interlacings, that — 
that — one would go first this way, and then some other way, and 
then back again once more towards the end, side, middle and be- 
ginning of the sentence, and yet fail to discover the — the — echo, 
— and be no more able to get through with so labyrinthical un- 
periodical a period, in any other way than we were to get out 
of the thicket, and that was by bursting out — so ! 

However, you've picked black-berries? — gone after chicken- 
grapes or something, in your early days? You've set snares in 
pretty thick thickets, where you went on all-fours through prickle- 
bushes to save your face? Well — aggregate the trifling impedi- 
ments of your worst entanglements; then colour matters a little^ 
and you approximate a just conception of our thicket. In this, all 
sorts of trees, bushes, briars, thorns, and creepers, the very in- 
stant their seeds were dropped or roots set by nature, — and some 
without staying for either root or seed, — started right up and off 
all at once a growing with all their might, each and every strug- 
gling, like all creation for the ascendancy, and thus preventing one 
another and all others from getting too large; yet, in haste and 



THIRD YEAR 305 

eagerness, like candidates climbing a hickery-pole, all wrapping, 
and interlacing, and interweaving trunks, boughs, branches, arms, 
roots and shoots, till no eye could tell whether, for instance, the 
creeper produced the thorn, or the thorn the creeper, or the vine 
the scrub-oak, or the oak the grapes — and till the shaking, or 
pulling, or touching, of a single branch, vine, root, or briar shook 
a thousand ! — ay ! like the casting of a pebble into a lake, till 
it disturbed in some degree the whole immensity of the thicket ! 
And so all, in sheer rage, malice, and vexation, sent forth all 
manners, kinds and sorts of prickers and scratchers, and thorns, 
and scarifiers ; and began to bear all manners and kinds and sorts 
of flowers, and poisonous berries, and grapes ! 

In places, a black walnut, or hackberry, or sycamore, having 
like a Pelagian, an intrinsic virtue had got the start of nature by a 
few hours at the beginning of the swamp ; and had ever since 
kept a head so elevated as now to be overlooking miles around of 
the mazy world below, and presenting a trunk and boughs so 
wrapped in vines and parasites as to form a thicket within a 
thicket, an im.perium in imperio; while coiled and wreathed there 
into fantastic twistings, immense serpentine grape vines seemed 
like boas and anacondas, ready to enfold and crush their victims ! 
Nay, in every labyrinth were concealed worlds of insects, reptiles, 
and winged creatures; and some, judging from their hisses, and 
growls, and mutterings, as they darted from one concealment to 
another at the strange invasion of their dens and lairs, were 
doubtless formidable in aspect, and not innoxious in bites and 
stings. 

Through this apparently impervious wilderness of the woven 
world twist, however, we did — onward, as Uncle John said. I 
thought it was a vain struggle, like striving to free one's self from 
the meshes of a giant's net ! Yet I kept close in the rear of his 
horse; for Mr. Seymour insisted on being pilot, and politeness 
yields to elders even in wriggling through a swamp. But what 
need be told our contrivances to work through? Never in 
words can be painted the drawing up of our legs ! — the shrinking 
of our bodies — the condensation of our arms ! — the bowings down 
of our heads, with compressed lips and shut eyes! But still we 
talked thus: 



306 THIRD YEAR 

"Oh ! hullow ! stop, won't you ?" 

"What's the matter?" 

"My hat's gone." 

"There it is, dangHng on that branch — look up — higher — 
higher yet !" 

"Oh! yes — I see: — lucky the hat wasn't tied under a fellow's 
chin, hey? — how the thing jerked!" 

"Ouch! — what a scratch! — just get out your knife and cut this 
green-briar." 

"I've cut it — go on : — look out, you'll lose your right leggin." 

"Whi-i-i-irr ! — what's that?" 

"A pheasant!" 

"H-i-i-ss !— what's that?" 

"A snake!" 

"Haw ! haw ! haw ! — if your trousers aint torn the prettiest!" 

"Don't taste them! — they ain't grapes! — they are poison 
berries !" 

"Look — quick! — what an enormous lizard!" 

And then such knocks on the head! Did I ever think heads, 
before the aid of phrenology, could bear such whacks ! Soft heads, 
surely, must have been mashed, and hard ones, cracked; and, 
therefore. Uncle John and I had medium sculls, and the precise 
developments to go through thickets. I had always disbelieved 
the vulgar saying, about "knocked into a cocked hat," — deeming it 
indeed, possible to be knocked out of one; but my infidelity left 
me in that swamp, when I saw the very odd figures we made 
after our squeezings, abrasions, and denudings. The shape of a 
cocked hat was not at all like them ! and yet, in about three hours 
from the starting at the gulley, we somehow or other stood on 
the summit of a bold bluff, and beheld the river coolly and beauti- 
fully flowing beneath our feet away below ! Here we halted, first 
to repair apparel, wipe off perspiration, and pick out briars and 
thorns from the hands and other half-denuded parts; and, second- 
ly, to determine the next movement, when — hark ! the sound of an 
axe ! — yes ! and hark ! — of human voices ! 

Between us and the sounds, evidently not more than two 
hundred yards up the river, interposed a dense and thorny ram- 
part ; but with coats fresh buttoned to our throats, hats half-way 



THIRD YEAR 307 

over the face, and leggins rebound above the knee and at the 
ankle, we, in the saddles, and retired vi'ithin ourselves, like snails, 
the outer man being thus contracted into the smallest possible 
dimension, and with heads so inclined as to render following the 
nose alike impossible and useless, we charged with the vengeance 
of living battering rams against and into the matted wall of sharp 
and sour vegetables ; and onward, onward, went we thus, till all 
at once, the impediment ceasing, we burst and tumbled through 
into an open circular clearing of about fifty yards diameter ! 

In one part was a rude shantee or temporary lodge of poles 
and bark, a la Indian, having in front, as cover to a door-way, a 
suspended blanket, perhaps to keep out mosquitoes ; for I could 
neither see nor imagine any other use. On one side the area, 
were large heaps of hoop-poles, on another, of barrel-staves ; while 
in several places stood gazing at us three squatter-like personages, 
and evidently not gratified at our unceremonious visit. The 
nature of their employment was manifest — the preparation of 
some western "notions and ideas" for the Orleans market. And 
down the blufif was a grand fleet of flat boats, ready to float when- 
ever the water chose to come up to them, and convey to market a 
whole forest, in the shape of hoop-poles, staves, and other raw 
material, not only now being prepared, but which had been being 
prepared and was yet to be being /r^-prepared in all the fashion- 
able modern tenses ! 

"Well, what of that?" 

Nothing! it was very correct, except in one small particular, 
although not a grammatical one ; this snug little swamp and thicket, 
some thirty miles by two in extent, and full of choice timber, hap- 
pened to belong to our Great Father's elder brother the venerable 
dear good old Uncle Sam! And these reprobate nephews, 
our cousins, were simply busy in taking more than their share of 
the common heritage— in short, they were poaching and stealing! 
Now, kind reader, for the last three hours, we had passed through 
a considerable scrape; nay, as we had shrunk up, it may be called 
a narrow scrape, but on comprehending the present affair, it 
seemed not improbable that we had only come out of the scrape 
literal, into the scrape metaphorical. 

"How so?" Why you see, a large penalty was incurred for cut- 



3o8 THIRD YEAR 

ting down and stealing public timber; and the informer got a 
handsome share of the fine as reward; so that our industrious 
kinsmen taking us, at first, for spies and informers, not only 
looked, but talked quite growly ; and we both felt a little nervous 
at sight of the rifles and scalping knives in the shantee ! Here is a 
first-rate temptation to make a thrilling story; but I must not 
forget the dignity of history — (although Uncle John and I both 
thrilled at the time without any story) — and so I proceed to say, 
that we soon satisfied our free traders who we were ; and that 
they condescended not only to laugh, but to sneer at us, and then 
pointed to a nice little wagon that one of them had driven yester- 
day from near Razorville, with their supplies for the current 
week! And that was the identical rut-making machine, that, so 
contrary to every body's wishes had coaxed us into the thicket ! 

We were then taught how to return on its trace, by a kind of 
opening through the maze ; and received ample directions where 
and how to cross the ravine. We accordingly hastened away ; 
but we never felt perfectly easy, or ventured to laugh honestly, 
till full two hundred yards beyond the longest rifle shot, which 
might very accidentally take our direction, and, maybe, hit us. 
The path over the ravine was, indeed, less tangled, where 
the wagon had passed ; yet it was a quarter of a mile above our 
crossing place, and concealment had evidently been studied in the 
way the stave-maker's vehicle had put off, even at an acute angle, 
at the point where we had lost its trail; and in the windings we 
had to thread among the high grass before we again reached that 
point. After having thus lost a wagon in a prairie, I felt in- 
clined to believe in the difficulty of finding a needle in a hay- 
stack. But we came, finally, to a deserted cabin ; and there, after 
a keen look, discovered a little path laid down for us in the late 
verbal chart. Here, confident from experience, that this rabbit 
track of a road, some two inches wide was yet one of fifty similar 
ones leading to the grand trace, path, or way, we struck off at 
a rapid gait ; and in an hour came to the open wagon road, which 
we know conducted to Mr. Stafford's Public. 

Revived we now cantered on, and not long after reached our 
breakfast-house, just as the sun was going down — having in the 
day's navigation with all our tackings made precisely seven miles, 



THIRD YEAR 309 

by the short-cut, in the homeward direction. Since Monday 
night, we had eaten nothing, and were naturally ready now for 
three meals in one; and yet were we destined to wait a little 
longer and condense into one four repasts — like ancient Persians 
when hunting. For, either not liking our appearance, or vexed 
at our not having come earlier to breakfast, we were here most 
pertinaciously refused any entertainment whatever, and even 
peremptorily ordered away; and were, indeed, compelled to put 
off for the nearest house, some eight miles farther at the ferry! 
Half a mile from Staffords, we met a young fellow, evidently in 
an ill-humour at something, who did, verily condescend to direct 
us how to steer through a sea of grass, rolling its waves over 
the prairie's bosom in the haze of the approaching night; but 
whether the rascal sent us wrong purposely, or we had so prac- 
ticed getting lost as to render the thing easy, after seeming to 
come duly to expected points, in about six miles we could find 
no more points, and so began travelling at a venture ; and at ten 
o'clock at night, it being then profoundly dark, we resigned our 
reason to the horses' instinct to take us where they listed. We 
knew the creatures would follow some path and carry us, some 
time or other, to a human habitation, if that of a poacher or 
squatter; and any thing seemed then preferable to the wilds of 
the prairie ! 

In about two hours my horse, now in the lead, suddenly halted, 
when dismounting, I tried first with my feet, and then my hands, 
and quickly had by these new senses a feeling sense of our 
situation, viz. that we stood at the diverging point of two paths 
running from one another at nearly a right angle! 

"Well, what do you say — what shall we take?" 

"Hem! — what do you say? Don't it seem damp towards the 
right?" 

"I think it does — and maybe the river is that way. Don't it 
seem like rising ground towards the left, to you?" 

"It does — let's try the left — we've had enough of thickets for 
one day — hark ! hark ! !" 

"Bow-wow-wow! how-zi'owV on the left. 

"Sure enough! a dog towards the left! push a-head that way." 

The canine outcry was reduplicated and prolonged; and we 



310 THIRD YEAR 

were soon rewarded for our sagacity in going to the left by 
coming whack-up against a worm-fence ! But by groping our 
way through this impediment, a light was soon discerned gleam- 
ing through some crevice ; and the noise of the dog then subsided 
into an angry growl — which growl was again exchanged into a 
bark, as we let out our hearty and door penetrating "Hullow !" 
This backwood's sonnet had soon the desired effect on the clap- 
board shutter; for it now creaked slowly open, and allowed to 
issue from the cabin the following reply in a strong soprano, yet 
vibratory from apprehension — 

"Well — who be you? what's a wantin?" 

"Strangers, ma'am, from the Big Meeting at Vincennes; we've 
been lost all day in the Swamp below Stafford's — and we're lost 
now. Will you be so kind as to let us stay the rest of the night 
here?" 

"Well, it's most powerful onconvenent — couldn't you a sort a 
keep on to Fairplay — 'taint more nor two miles no how, and you'd 
git mighty good 'comedashins thar?" 

"Oh! ma'am, we'd never find the way in the dark. Besides, 
our horses are nearly given out ; and we ourselves haven't touched 
food for nearly two days — " 

"Well! now! if that aint amost too powerful hard like! — I'm 
a poor lone woman body — but I can't let you go on — so come in. 
But, strangers, you'll find things right down poor here, and have 
to sleep on the floor, as 'cos I've no more nor two beds and them's 
all tuk up by me and the childurn. Howsever, thar's a corn heap 
over thar to feed your critturs; but we're now teetotally out of 
meal; — and Bill's to start in the morning for a grist — and I'm 
powerful sorry we've nothin to eat — " 

"Oh! thank you, ma'am — never mind us — thank you — never 
mind! If we get corn for our poor brutes, and shelter for our- 
selves that will do — thank you, ma'am — never mind !" 

Having fed our jaded animals we entered the cabin, and de- 
positing our saddles and furniture in one corner, we sat down 
on two rude stools, like some modern ottomans in the city ; being 
so low as to force one's knees and chins into near proximity. 
They had indeed, no covering or cushion, unless such be con- 
sidered the lone woman's indescribable, lying on the one, and 



THIRD YEAR 311 

Bill's tow-linen breeches on the other — articles we considerately, 
however, removed for fear of soiling. 

The next thing we did was to poke up the slumbering fire ; by 
the light of which we first cast rueful looks on one another, and 
then some sideway glances around the apartment. In one spot, 
stood a barrel with an empty bag of dim whiteness, hanging 
partly in and partly out, while across its top was laid a kneading 
bowl, and in that a small washing machine; — the barrel being 
manifestly the repository of meal, and the bag the very affair Bill 
was to ride, in the morning, to mill. Near us was a shelf holding 
a few utensils for mush and milk, several tin cups, a wooden 
bowl in need of scouring, and some calabashes ; a large calabash 
we had noticed outside the door, having a small grape vine for 
a handle, and intended to represent a bucket for water and other 
wet and dry uses. In a strap of deerskin nailed under the shelf 
were stuck certain knives, some ornamented with buck-horn 
handles, one or two with corn-cob handles, and one handleless ; 
and interspersed judiciously in the same strap were pincushions, 
scissors, comb, and a few other et ceteras of a hoosiery toilette. 

But the curiosities were "the two beds and all tuk up by the 
mother and the childurn." What the bedsteads were made out of 
was not ascertained. Ricketty they were, screeching, squirming, 
and wriggling at every slight motion of the sleeping household; 
but tough and seasoned too must have been to bear up under their 
respective loads, especially considering the way some that night 
kicked under the covers, and, occasionally over them ! 

In one bed were the lone ( ?) woman and two children ; and 
in this I am confident having counted three heads, and one with 
a cap on. In the other were three or four bodies — Uncle John 
insisted on four — but I only counted three heads at the bolster; 
yet Uncle John in his very last letter held to it, that he saw 
another head sticking out near the foot, and two or three legs 
in such direction as could come only from a head in that latitude. 
Strong presumptive evidence, granted ; — yet only presumptive, 
for a leal backwood's boy can twist himself all round; beside the 
fleas - that night made the bed loads twist their utmost, and legs 

2 Fleas out there are very savage — but while they make the folks very 
active in bed, they cannot wake them; for nothing scarcely breaks a 
woodsman's sleep. 



312 THIRD YEAR 

and arms became so surprisingly commingled, that no ordinary 
spectator could tell to what bodies they severally pertained. And 
never were beds so "all tuk up," nor so wonderfully slept all 
over, till by daylight the whole of their sleep must have been fully 
extracted ; and hence, it was plain enough there was no room for 
Uncle John or me in either bed ; and if we wanted any sleep we 
must get it out of the puncheons. We spread, therefore, our 
horse-blankets each on a puncheon, our separating line being an 
interstice of three inches ; and, transforming saddlebags into 
pillows, we essayed to sleep away our weariness and hunger. But 
the "sweet restorer's" balmy influences were all confined that 
night, to the two regular beds; and that among other causes 
owing to a motherly she-swine with a litter of ever so many pigs, 
and some other bristled gentry in the basement, whence ascended 
an overpowering dry hickory nut fragrance, and endless variations 
of grunt, squeak, and shuffle — and in all likelihood the oceans of 
fleas disturbing us! If not thence, I leave it to such critics to 
ascertain, who delight in saying and finding smart things. 

Upon the whole it was not, then, so old that about an hour 
before dawn, we made ready to set out in search of Fairplay. And 
of course our preparations awaked the lone woman ; when the 
"cap," already named, being elevated above the sleeping line of 
the other heads, and also several capless pates of dirty matted 
hair — (gender indeterminate) — being also raised and thrust forth 
in the other bed, we thus held our farewell colloquy : 

"Well, my good friend, we thank you kindly for your hospital- 
ity, and we are about starting now; — what shall we pay you?" 

"Laws! bless you, stranger! how you talk! — why do y'allow 
I'd axe people what's lost anything? — and for sick 'comedashins?" 
Oh ! ma'am — but we put you to trouble — " 
"Trouble! — I don't mind trouble now no how — I've had too 
big a share on it to mind it any more amost — " 

"Why, ma'am you've been very kind — and we really can't go 
away till we pay you something — " 

"Stranger! — I sees you wants to do what's right — but you 
needn't take out that puss — I'll have to be a most powerful heap 
poorer nor I'm now, afore I'll take anything for sich a poor 
shelter to feller critturs what's lost — and them a comin from 



THIRD YEAR 313 

meetin too! Ain't that oldermost stranger a kinder sort a 
preacher?" 

"No. my friend, I'm only a member — " 

"Well — I couldn't axe meetin folks nothin for the best. I'm 
right glad you didn't take the right hand trail below our fence, 
you'd a got into the swamp agin. Now jist mind when you come 
to a big sugar what blow'd down by the haricane, and take the 
left, and that will git you clear of the bio — and then keep rite 
strata on forrerd and you'll soon git to Fairplay. 

Farewells were then cordially exchanged, and we left the poor 
lone woman with emotions of pity, gratitude, and admiration; 
and we thought too of "the cup of water" — "the two mites" — of 
"one half the world knows not how the other lives" — and "man 
wants but little here below" — and of all similar sacred and secular 
sayings, till we came to the prostrate sugar-tree. There we made 
a judicious digression to avoid miring and suffocating in the 
morass, and then shortly after dismounted safe and sound, but 
frightfully hungry, at Fairplay. 

And here we rest awhile to devour two breakfasts and repair 
if possible the loss of dinner and supper; and in the meanwhile 
we shall speak of the village. 

Fairplay was a smart place, consisting of two entirely new log 
houses, built last summer, in spite and opposition to Briarton con- 
cealed in the bushes on the other side of the river: and also a 
public or tavern — in futiiro, however, as it was only now a- 
building. As yet it was not roofed entirely, nor were the second 
story floors laid, nor had it any chimneys. Indeed, its walls 
were incomplete, the daubing being — ah ! what is the fashionable 
grammar here, for the case absolute? I do not wish to be be- 
hind the age too far, and am desirous of having the Fairplay 
hotel grammatically daubed. "Daubing being done?" No, it was 
not completed. "Daubing doing?" — that would make mud an 
active agent; whereas, in the operation, it is the most passive 
subject in the world, and is dreadfully trampled, pounded, beat, 
splashed, scattered and smeared. "Daubing a-doing?" no: the 
work had ceased for the present, and the clay was actually dry 
where the work had been "being" done. Stop! I have it — the 
daubing "being" being done ! and so all eating and sleeping were 



314 THIRD YEAR 

in one large airy room below, with a flooring of unnailed boards, 
and half a dozen windows full of sashes but destitute of glass ; and 
having also two doors closed with sheets instead of shutters. 

Cooking was performed to-day out of doors ; hence while 
waiting for breakfast we inhaled the savory essence of fried 
chickens, fried bacon, roasted potatoes, herb-tea, store-coffee, and 
above all, of slap-jacks compounded from cornmeal, eggs and 
milk, and fried in a pan — thus in a measure getting two breakfasts 
out of one. True, with the fragrance entered the smoke ; yet what 
great pleasure is without its concomitant pain! Beside — but take 
care! take care! here comes the breakfast, and we are ordered: — 

"Well, strangers ! come, sit up and help yourselves. I allow 
you're a sorter hungry after sich a most powerful starvation." 

* * Breakfast among the Stars * * 

"Landlord ! our horses, if you please." 

"They're at the door — they look a right smart chance wusted — 
but maybe they'll take you home — wish you a pleasant journey 
and no more scrapes." 

The landlord's wishes were not disappointed, for in due time we 
were snug at home. 



CHAPTER XLI. 

"This man's brow, like the title leaf, 
Foretells the natljre of a tragic volume." 

Not long after Mr. Seymour's return to Glenville, the patri- 
archal cabin with its acres of clearings, deadenings and girdlings, 
and with all its untouched and un fenced woods, was sold to a 
stranger; and then our friends all removed to Bishop Hilsbury's 
late residence, near the tannery. The name, indeed, was retained, 
but the glory of Glenville Settlement was fading.^ Still visits were 

3 "A man named Magennis bought our cabin and Mr. Reed's about a 
mile from the Indian grave. A brick house was put up by Magennis. 
Mrs. Young was buried near the Tannery. The R. Road must run through 
Glenville. Paris C. Dunning had a brother who settled in Gossport. Mr. 



THIRD YEAR 315 

interchanged, although we of Woodville received more than we 
paid; and my emotions became most deHghtful, whenever re- 
turning on Saturday evenings from a short squirrel hunt, I dis- 
cerned at a distance Uncle John's horse tied to our rack. Often, 
too, would some of us, the day he was expected, sit the last hour 
at an upper window, and watch the leafy barrier, where our 
dear friend was expected momentarily to break through into the 
mellow light of the departing sun — ay! that dear old man was 
so loved, we felt like hugging and kissing the very horse that 
brought him ! 

Christmas was now approaching; and all Glenville that remained 
was expected to spend the holiday at Woodville. For this visit, 
our whole house had been prepared — bedrooms were arranged to 
render sleeping warm and refreshing — fat poultry was killed — 
mince-pies concocted, cider bought ; in short, all the goodies, vege- 
table, animal, and saccharine, usually congregated at this joyous 
season, were stored and ready. In the parlour, a compound of 
sitting-room, dining-room, and bed-chamber, a magnificent fire of 
clean white sugar-tree with a green beech back-log was warming 
and enlivening ; while the lid of the piano was raised, with copies 
of favourite pieces ready, and an eight-keyed flute, and a four- 
stringed violin on its top — all ready for a grand burst of innocent 
fun and frolic at the coming of the loved ones! Oh! we should 
be so happy ! 

Night at length drew near; and so after an entire afternoon 
passed in expectation and affirmations, thus — "Well, they will 
be here in a few minutes, now!" — and after repeated visits to 
our observatory in the attic, we had concluded that, beyond all 



Young had the store there. In his store Brasier and I talked about the 
earth's shape. There the buttons were sold. Bush, Reed, and myself 
constituted the first Wabash Presbytery, formed in Mr. Reed's cabin 
near the tannery. I suggested the name 'Gossport' — for 'Old Man' Goss 
—also 'Alexandria,' and 'Youngsville.' Mr. Alexander and Mr. Young 
owned the tract. 'Gosport' was preferred as Mr. Goss was the largest 
owner." Hall's Letter to Nunnemacher, Oct. 19, 1S85. 

On January 19, 1826, Young sold to Elisha McGinnis 80 acres in Section 
17-1 1-2. This "Glenville settlement" is still owned by a descendant of 
Elisha McGinnis, — four miles north of Gosport. This information is 
furnished by the courtesy of Mr. iCharles S. Surber, Recorder of Owen 
County, Indiana. 



3i6 THIRD YEAR 

doubt, within a half-hour the cavalcade would arrive. But, that 
half-hour elapsed, and no friends came! and then another! and 
still another! and even then no friends! It was then so very 
much later than our old folks had been wont to come, that we 
all sat now in the gloom of disappointment around the parlour, 
uneasy, and with forebodings of evil — when the clatter of a horse 
moving rapidly over the frozen earth called us in haste to the 
door ; upon opening which, John Glenville was seen dismounting, 
who immediately entered and with a countenaonce of deep 
distress — 

"Why, dear John! what is the matter? 

"Melancholy enough! poor Uncle has fallen and broken his 
thigh ! I've come over for Sylvan, and must go back with him 
instantly. I left word for him to be ready in fifteen minutes." 
****** 

Ah! dear reader! if one's happiness is wholly from the earth, 
what shall we do when that happiness is so marred? Our joy be- 
came instant mourning — our pleasant apartment, cheerless — our 
dainty food, tasteless — our music, the voice of lamentation ! 

Dear old kind-hearted man! after all the sore disappointments 
of a long life is this sad affliction added to your sorrows, and 
pains, and many bodily injuries! Again, in old age, must you lie 
in that dark forest in the anguish of broken limbs! — again sep- 
arated from many that so love you! What a Christmas eve for 
you ! how different from those passed in our days of prosperity ! 

For myself, when recalling the incidents of our late journey — 
our harmless pleasantries — our solemn and serious conversations — 
his hoary head on the floor of the lone woman's cabin — his 
patience, hilarity, and noble heart — and thought of him refused a 
night's lodging, who had sheltered and fed so many strangers, and 
of him turned, weary, hungry and sick into a western wilderness 
at night! — and now that grey head on a pillow of anguish! that 
pleasant face changed by pain! that often broken body again 
crushed and mangled — But, let us change the subject. 

Our friends had purposed leaving home early on the morning 
of the 24th, but an unforeseen business having called away John 
Glenville, the expedition was postponed a few hours. Yet when 
he came not at the hour, it was then concluded that the old folks 



THIRD YEAR 317 

should set out by themselves, with the belief that Mr. Glenville 
could easily overtake them on the road. To prepare the horses, 
Mr. Seymour descended a small hill to the stable, whilst Aunt 
Kitty remained in the cabin to arrange a few small matters pre- 
vious to the starting. But as her brother was absent a full quar- 
ter of an hour beyond what seemed necessary, she stepped to the 
cabin-door, and with the slightest possible impatience — when, to 
her amazement, she heard a faint voice calling on her for help, 
and the groans of one as in great bodily pain ! She flew in alarm 
down the hill — and at the stable-door lay Uncle John, his leg 
broken off at the head of the thigh bone, himself in an agony of 
pain, and in danger of perishing even from cold, without a 
speedy removal ! His horse had proved restive on being led from 
the stable, and in a consequent struggle Mr. S. slipping on some 
ice had fallen and received the hurt. 

Aunt Kitty quickly decided on her plan. She brought from 
the cabin the buffalo robe bestowed by the Osage warchief, and 
spreading it near her wounded brother, she managed, weak and 
unaided, to get him, a large and heavy man, fairly into the mid- 
dle of the robe. Staying, then, her tears, and raising her heart 
to God for fortitude and strength, she began to drag her mourn- 
ful load towards the cabin. But she soon found herself too weak 
for the task, and in despair looked around — when, on her way 
home, and, by an unusual path near our cabin, passed now that 
very woman commemorated elsewhere in this work for a novel 
appearance in cow hunting! Catching a glimpse of this woman 
Aunt Kitty cried out for asistance; and the kindhearted neigh- 
bour was almost instantly at her side, and adding a strength 
superior to that of a dozen pretty ladies, she soon, with Aunt 
Kitty's aid, had our wounded relative hauled to the cabin-door. 
Here, with great difficulty and labour on their part and pain on 
his, the sufferer was partly lifted and partly dragged up and over 
the steps and sill, and finally laid on a low bed prepared for his 
reception. 

Mrs. Littleton now examined her brother's wound, and with the 
help of her humble friend, she forced the leg into something like 
a natural position, and then splintered and bandaged it, to the 
best of her ability. In a few minutes after this, John Glenville 



3i8 THIRD YEAR 

entered the cabin, who, on learning the mournful accident, in- 
stantly remounted and hurried to Woodville. 

Dr. Sylvan was unfortunately not at home, and we obtained only 
one of his students; when Glenville, having refreshed himself 
a few moments with us, was, attended by the pupil, quickly re- 
plunged into the cold and darkness of a now tempestuous night 
and howling wilderness ! They reached the cabin a short time 
before day-break: but the embryo surgeon, without adding or 
taking from, deemed it best to let all the bandages remain as 
Aunt Kitty had bound them ! And so poor Uncle John, after 
lying on his bed for seventy wearisome days and nights, rose again 
to life and health — yet not to his former shape and activity; for 
the leg had shrunk in the knitting of the bone, and his right side 
was two inches shorter than before the accident. 

And yet, reader, so youthful and buoyant the spirit of this noble 
old gentleman, that he and I hunted often together after his re- 
covery — he walking with a crutch in one hand and a heavy rifle in 
the other! But so gloomy had become the cabin life to the old 
folks, where death might easily occur from the absence of ordinary 
help, and where, perhaps, Uncle John's deformity might have been 
lessened by prompt medical aid, that our tannery was sold, and 
our relatives removed to Woodville. Mr. Glenville, however, 
chose a new site for a store several miles from the old settlement, 
which then, as to us, ceased to be — save that sacred spot reserved 
in the sale, and where rest, far from us, scattered as we are, and 
ever in this life shall be, the ashes of the mother! 

Once, but once, subsequent to this desertion, did I pass along a 
new road laid through that settlement, and between the two 
cabins. Around, for many acres, the forest was no more, but 
corn and grain were ripening in its place. A new brick house 
stood in our garden; and the cabin was changed into a stable. 
And yet, while all the changes were for the better, and a most 
joyous evening was smiling or^ the coming harvest — I sat on my 
horse and had one of my girlish fits of tears ! 

Yes ! — I cried like Homer's heroes — and that in spite of the 
critic who, running over the book to make an article, will say, 
"the author, tender-hearted soul, cries again towards the close 
of year the third. Chap. xli. p. 318." Yes! — I cried! And 



FOURTH YEAR 319 

since that summer's evening, I have never seen my first forest 
home; for I purposely ever after avoided the hateful new road 
through it, and that too by the Indian grave. 



CHAPTER XLH. 

Fourth Year. 

"Sit mihi fas audita loqui." 
"It is the witness still of excellency. 
To put a strange face on his own perfection." 

Our fourth year introduces an epoch, the Augustan age of the 
New Purchase — the opening of the State College ! ^ 

And now comes on the stage, as one principal actor, my friend, 
the Reverend Charles Clarence, A.M., Principal and Professor of 
Ancient Languages. This gentleman had accepted our appoint- 
ment, not for the paltry stipend paid as his salary, but wholly 
because he longed to be in the romantic West, and among its 
earliest literary pioneers ; and hence, early this spring, he was 
with us, and not merely ready, but even enthusiastically impatient 
to commence his labours. 

His wife was with him — the woman of his seven years' love! 
They had tasted, however, the wormwood of affliction's cup, and 
even now wore the badges of recent bereavements. Mr. Clarence, 
leaving his wife and two little children, went to the South again 
on business ; and after an absence of four months, on returning 
to his boarding house in Philadelphia, he was surprised at hearing 
and seeing no signs of his babes. His wife, instead of answer- 
ing in words his eager questions, suddenly threw her arms about 
his neck, and bursting into an agony of tears, exclaimed, — "Both 
are dead ! — come into our room — I'll tell you all 1" 

Here was a sad waking from day-dreaming! and Clarence was 
with us, having altered views of life, and seeing that we have 
something to do in it, besides to amuse or be amused. Happy 

1 The iS'tate Seminary was opened by Hall in 1824. This would place 
his coming to Indiana as early as 1821. It was probably his third year, 
not his fourth. 



320 



FOURTH YEAR 



chastisement our friend afterwards deemed it, when encountering 
sore disappointments and many, in his professional career : ay ! 
he was destined to endure the utter crushing of all his high hopes 
and purposes. For, if ever man was influenced by disinterested 
motives, and fired with enthusiasm for advancing solid learning, — 
if ever one desirous of seeing Western institutions rival, if not ex- 
cel others, — if a person came willing to live and die with us, and to 
sacrifice eastern tastes and prejudices, and become, in every 
proper way, a Western Man, my friend Clarence was he.- 

His labours and actions proved this. Look for instance at his 
daily teaching — his five and six hours usually spent in the recita- 
tion room ; at his preaching, always twice on the Sabbath, and com- 
monly several times during the week ; at his visits to the sick 
and the dying, and his attendance on funerals ! And these things 
extended beyond his own denomination — when requested, and that 
was often ; for rarely, even in his own sicknesses and melancholy 
hours, did he refuse what seemed his duty to others. When too 
feeble to leave his house, he heard the recitations in his bed ; and 
when unable to stand, he sat in his congregation and preached, 
his person emaciated and his face death-like. Nor did he con- 
fine his teaching to the routine himself had followed, but he in- 
troduced other branches, and also a course of Greek, unknown 
then in western colleges, and not common in eastern ones ; and 
this, although it added to the severity of his private studies, and 
for many months kept his lamp ^ burning even till two o'clock ! 
His only inquiry was, how can I best promote the interests of the 
institution? In short, therefore, all his learning, his talents, his 
experience, his accomplishments, were freely and heartily em- 
ployed and given, in season and out of season ; — and a knowledge 
of all the music he possessed, vocal and instrumental, was im- 
parted, gratuitously, to the students — and also grammar, moral 
philosophy, and the like, gratuitously, and at extra hours, to cer- 

2 In these pages Hall as Carlton is speaking of himself as Clarence. 
Hall was married in Danville, Kentucky (Letter to Nunemacher). He 
appears to have returned with his bride to Philadelphia, where he lost two 
children before he came to Indiana. 

'A tin lamp supplied with melted lard, and suspended at the end of a 
wooden crane, whose perpendicular shaft moved in sockets fastened to 
the wall. 



FOURTH YEAR 321 

tain teachers of ordinary schools, and some of these his former 
opponents ! 

Much more could we say, if the modesty of my friend per- 
mitted; but he affirms positively that he will not edit the book 
if I do not stop here. And yet this man was no match for 
veteran cunning; we must not, however, anticipate — and so we 
shall begin regularly at the beginning, and go on till we end 
with the end ; refreshing, during the story, our spirits with 
the occasional pleasant matters belonging to our rather tangled 
road. 

Be it remembered, as was intimated in the early part of volume 
first, that Uncle Sam is an undoubted friend of public education, 
and that, although so sadly deficient in his own ; and hence, 
in the liberal distribution of other folk's land, he bestowed on us 
several entire townships for a college or university. It was, 
therefore, democratically believed, and loudly insisted on, that as 
the State had freely received, it should freely give; and that 
"larnin, even the most powerfullest highest larnin," should at 
once be bestowed on every body ! and without a farthing's ex- 
pense! Indeed, some gravely said and argued that teachers and 
professors in the "people's college ought to sarve for the honour!" 
or at least be content with "a dollar a day, which was more nor 
double what a feller got for mauling rails !" The popular wrath 
therefore was at once excited almost to fury when necessity com- 
pelled us to fix our tuition fee at ten dollars a year; and the 
greatest indignation was felt and expressed towards Clarence "as 
the feller what tuk hire for teaching and preaching, and was 
gettin to be a big-bug on the poor people's edicashin money." 

Be it recollected too, that both big and little colleges were 
erected by persons who, with reverence be it spoken, in all mat- 
ters pertaining to "high larnin," had not sufficient discrimination 
to know the second letter of an alphabet from a buffalo's foot. 
Nothing, we incline to believe, can ever make State schools and 
colleges very good ones ; but nothing can make them so bad, we 
repeat, as for Uncle Sam to leave every point open to debate, 
especially among ignorant, prejudiced, and selfish folks in a New 
Purchase. For while trustees may be ninnies, nincompoops, or 
even ninnyhammers as to proper plans and buildings, yet are such. 



322 



FOURTH YEAR 



when masons, bricklayers and carpenters, keen-sighted enough to 
secure the building contracts for themselves and their friends, and 
curiously exorbitant in their demands on the sub-treasurers for 
their silly work. The mean-looking and ridiculous arrangements 
at Woodville cost as much, perhaps more, than suitable things, 
would have cost; so that when a college is to be commenced, it 
ought to be done, not only by honest but by wise, learned, classical 
men ; but as such are not abundant in very new settlements, let 
such men at Washington — (and such are at Uncle Sam's bureau) 
— let them prescribe when, and how, and where, our new western 
institutions are to be ; and if rebellious democrats refuse the gift 
so encumbered, let it thus be given to more modest and quiet 
democrats. 

Proceed we, however, to open the college. And my narration 
may be depended on, as Clarence has reviewed the whole and 
says it is substantially correct, — indeed, in some respect I was a 
quorum-pars. 

The institution was opened the first day of May, at gyz o'clock, 
A. M., anno Domini 1800 and so forth.* And some floors being 
unlaid, and the sashes all being without glass, the opening was as 
complete as possible — nearly like that of an Irish hedge school ! 
When the Principal — (so named in our minutes and papers, but 
by the vulgar called master, and by the middle sort, teacher,) — 
appeared, a clever sprinkle of boy ^ was in waiting ; most of 
which firmly believed that, by some magic art, our hero could, and 
being paid by government, should, and without putting any- 
body to the expense of books and implements, touch and transmute 
all, and in less than no time, into great scholars. 

"Boys and young gentlemen," said Mr. C. compounding the 
styles of a pedagogue and professor, 'T am happy to see you; and 
we are now about to commence our State College, or, as some 
call it, the Seminary. I hope all feel what an honour attends 
being the first students in an institution so well endowed ; and 
which, therefore, by proper exertions on our parts, may eventually 
rise to the level of eastern colleges, and become a blessing to our 
State and country. You have all, I suppose, procured the neces- 

* 1824. 

'' A very lively animal anywhere — but a very peculiar one out there. 



FOURTH YEAR 323 

sary books, of which notice was given at meeting, and in several 
other ways, for the last four weeks." 

"I've got 'em — " 

"Me too—" 

"I've brung most on 'em — " 

"Master — Uncle Billy's to fetch mine out in his wagin about 
Monday nixe — " 

"Father says he couldn't mind the names and wants them on 
a paper — " 

"Books! — I never heern tell of any books — wont these here 
ones do, Master? — this here's the Western Spellin one — and this 
one's the Western Kalkelatur?" 

"Mr. Clarinse — I fotch'd my copy-book and a bottle of red-ink 
to sit down siferin in — and daddy wants me to larn bookkeepin 
and surveyin." 

"Order boys — order!" — (hem!) — "let all take seats in front. 

There is a misunderstanding with some, both as to the books and 
the whole design and plan of the school, I perceive. This is a 
Classical and Mathematical School ; and that fact is stated and 
fully explained in the trustees' public advertisements ; and no 
person can be admitted unless one intending to enter upon and 
pursue the prescribed course ; and that includes even at the start 
Latin, Greek, and Algebra. Now, first, let us see who are to 
study the dead languages — " 

"I do — I do — me too — me too," &c., &c. 

"Do you, then, sit there. Well — now let me have your names 
for the roll — A. Berry — S. Smith — C. D. &c., &c. — ten names ' — I 
will attend to you ten directly, so soon as I have dismissed the 
others. I regret, my young friends, that you are disappointed — 
but I am only doing my duty ; indeed, if I wished I have no power 

<■> The first ten students enrolled in the Seminary liy Hall in 1824 were: 
Findlay Dodds, Aaron Furgason, Hamilton Stockwell, John Todd, 
Michael Hummer, Samuel C. Dunn, James W. Dunn, James A. Maxwell, 
and Joseph A. Wright. "All these lived to manhood and rendered effi- 
cient service to society one as a tanner, one as a merchant, three as physi- 
cians, two as ministers of fhe gospel, and three as lawyers.". D. D. Banta, 
Sketch of Indiana Seminary, in T. A. Wylie's Indiana University, p. 44. 
Joseph A. Wright became Governor of Indiana (1849-1857) and later 
during the Civil War, was U. S. Minister to Prussia. 



324 FOURTH YEAR 

to admit you, unless to the course of studies — nay, even the trus- 
tees have power to do only what they have done. I hope, there- 
fore, you will now go home, and explain the matter to your 
friends " 

By several — 

"Daddy says he doesn't see no sort a use in the high larn'd 
things — and he wants me to larn Inglish only, and bookkeepin, 
and surveyin, so as to tend store and run a line." 

"I allow, Mister, we've near on about as good a right to be 
larn'd what we wants, as them tother fellers on that bench ; — it's 
a free school for all." 

'I am sorry, boys, for this misunderstanding; but we cannot 
argue the subject here. And yet every one must see one matter 
plainly ; for instance, any man has a right to be governor, or judge, 
or congressman ; yet none of you can be elected before the legal 
age, and before having some other qualifications. It is so here, 
you all have a right to what we have to bestow ; but you must 
be qualified to enter; and must be content to receive the gift of 
the State in the way the law provides and orders. You will please 
go home now." 

The disappointed youngsters accordingly withdrew ; and with 
no greater rudeness than was to be expected from undisciplined 
chaps, full of false notions of rights, and possessed by a wild 
spirit of independence. Hence, Mr. C. heard some very flattering 
sentiments growled at him by the retiring young democrats ; but 
which, when they had fairly reached the entry, were bawled and 
shouted out frankly and fearlessly. And naturally after this he 
was honoured with some high sounding epithets by certain hypo- 
critical demagogues in rabblerousing speeches — sneaking gentle- 
men, who aimed to get office and power by endless slanders on the 
college, and most pitiful and malicious slang about "liberty and 
equality, and rights, and tyranny, and big-bugs, and poor people, 
and popular education," et id oinnc genus! 

Ay ! certain small-potato-patriots publicly on the stump avowed 
"it was a right smart chance better to have no collidge no how, 
if all folks hadn't equal right to larn what they most liked best." 
And two second-rate pettifoggers electioneered on this principle; 
"that it was most consistent with the republicanism taught by the 



FOURTH YEAR 325 

immortal Jefferson, and with the genius of our institutions, to use 
the college funds to establish common schools for rich and poor 
alike, and make the blessings of education like air, sunshine, and 
water !" 

Clarence, therefore, was now hated and villified, as the sup- 
posed instrument of pride and aristocracy, in drawing a line 
between rich and poor ; ^ and for a while his person, his family, 
his very house was abominated. On one occasion he was in Wood- 
ville when a half drunken brute thus halloed against him — "thare 
goes that darn'd high larn'd bug what gits nine hundred and 
ninety-nine dollars and ninety-nine cents ^ of the people's eddeka- 
shin money for larnin ristekrats sons high flown words — gimme 
that 'are stone and I'll do for him." Whether this was fun or 
earnest, Clarence did not care to ascertain ; for hearing the sneers 
and derision of the bystanders, and fearing it might become earn- 
est, he took shelter in my store. 

At another time walking with Professor Harwood in the out- 
skirts of the village, they heard a cry in their rear — "knock 'em 
down" — when suddenly turning, there stood a stout chap flourish- 
ing a bludgeon over their heads, evidently, indeed, in a sort of fun, 
which, was, however, an index of the popular ill-will and spite. 

When persons rode by his dwelling, remarks like the following 
would be shouted forth : — 

"Well — thar's whar the grammur man lives that lams 'em 
Latin and grand-like things — allow we'll oust him yet — he doesn't 
own little college any how; he's poor as Job's turkey, if it want 
for that powerful sallury the trustees give him." 

Clarence's salary was four hundred dollars per annum ! 

"Well," bawled out one fellow— "dog my hide if that ain't the 
furst time I ever seed that big man's door open ! — hem ! — power- 
ful fine carpet ! — (a beautiful rag carpet made by Mrs. C.) — allow, 
people's eddekashin money bought that!" 

Even Mr. C.'s gratuitous preaching could not secure him from 

7 Of the ten boys who entered the college, seven or eight were poor 
— many that would not enter were rich. 

8 Hall at first received a salary of $250 a year. In 1827 this was in- 
creased to $400 which, if fees from an increase of students made it 
possible, might rise to as much as $600 in the year. 



326 FOURTH YEAR 

ill-natured remarks. "Well," said an occasional hearer to another 
once — "how do y'like that sort a preachin ?" "Foo !" was the reply, 
"I don't want no more sich! I like a man that kin jist read, and 
then I know it comes from the sperit ! he tuk out his goold watch 
twice to show it, and was so d — mnation proud he wouldn't kneel 
down to pray !" 

But the reader may wish to know how Mr. Clarence got along 
with "the Few." Well, as the warm weather approached, the 
"boys and young gentlemen" came to recitation without coats ; and, 
as the thermometer arose, they came without shoes 

"What! in the State college? Could your Mr. Clarence not 
have things ordered with more decency?" 

Softly, Mr. Dignity — in a world where our presiding judge, a 
man of worth and great abilities, presided in court without his 
coat and cravat, and with his feet modestly reposed on the upper 
rostrum, thus showing his boot-soles to by-standers and lawyers ; 
where lawyers were stripped and in shirt-sleeves; and where even 
Governor Sunbeam, in a stump speech, gave blast to his nose 
pinched between a thumb and finger, and wiped said pinchers 
afterwards on the hinder regions of his inexpressibles ; do you, 
sir, think our Mr. C, or all eastern dignitaries combined, could 
have compelled young bushwhackers to wear coats and shoes in 
recitation rooms? He indeed ventured once as follows: — 

"Young gentlemen" — (hem!) — "why do you attend recita- 
tions without coats and shoes?" 

" 'Tis cooler, sir!" — with surprise. 

"Ay! so it is — perhaps it would be still cooler if you came 
without your pantaloons." 

Haw ! haw !-^by the whole ten. 

"And did they, Mr. Carlton, come without their indispensa- 
bles?" 

Oh ! dear me ! no ; on the contrary, the young gentlemen were 
so tickled at our professor's pleasant hint direct, that next day 
they not only come in their breeches, but also with shoes and coats 
on ! But still, many proper regulations of our friend were distaste- 
ful to scholars and parents equally — for instance, the requirement 
of a written excuse for certain absences. One parent, an upper 
class Thompsonian doctor, did, indeed, once send a note — but 



FOURTH YEAR , 327 

that was an insolent ■' and peremptory order to Clarence to believe 
in future his son, without a written excuse ! And another person, 
captain in the late war, not only refused to write a note, but he 
sent a verbal message by his son to the master, viz. — "Charley 
Clarence, you needn't think of introducing your d — n Yankee 
tricks out here!" 

Yes ! yes ! — raise your hands, and elevate your eyebrows, good 
folks. Mr. C. did all that sort of thing too, at first ; but he 
lived long enough with us to get used to matters ! The only evil 
was, that, like the Irish Greek's famous horse that unluckily 
died, just when he had learned to live without eating,^" our pro- 
fessor, when he had outlived his prejudices, and abandoned his 
Yankee ways, fell a victim to veteran cunning and artifice ; and 
was forced, like Aristides, to obey the Ostracism ! 



CHAPTER XLHI. 

"This is some fellow 

Who, having been praised for his bluntness, doth affect 
A saucy roughness." 

* * * * 

"What would you have, you curs?" 

The nature of our favourite doctrine — the sovereignty of the 
people — is but imperfectly understood from theory; and, truly, 
what importance to the vast majority to be called kings, unless 
opportunities are afforded to exercise the royal prerogatives? 

True, in the constitutions of the twenty-six States, are paper 
models of republican governments, the purest in nature; such as 
the monarchical-republic, the oligarchic, the aristocratic, the fed- 
eral, the democratic, ay, the cheatitive or repudiative, the despotic, 
the mobocratic, the anarchic, cum multis aliis: but what of all 
this, if the citizen kings cannot be indulged in a little visible, 
tangible, audible, law-making, law-judging and law-executing? 

Now, in the New Purchase, the people universal, the people 

9 How should a steam-doctor know better? out there. 

10 That curious art has been revived lately in Great Britain, and is 
practiced extensively and with great success among the poor. 



328 FOURTH YEAR 

general, the people special, of every county, town and village, of 
every sect, religious and irreligious, of every party, political, im- 
political, and non-political, were indulged in bona fide acts of real 
rity-dity sovereignty. And each and every part, party, and parcel, 
lorded it over the whole and over one another; and the whole 
over the parts and over itself — ay, and every one that did it 
against the wall, ruled State and the nation, and his neighbour, 
and then turned round and ruled himself, not in the fear of 
heaven, but in the fear of the people ! The fact is, we did noth- 
ing else than rule one another; and none ever even obeyed 
for fear of disobeying; and hence our public servants 
(and we kept them sweating) being distracted by opposite 
instructions from different constituents — (for candidates with 
us only carried up votes, wishes, &c.) — from Thomas and Richard 
and Henry and Squire Rag and Major Tagg and Mister Bobtail, 
and being imperiously ordered to rob Peter to pay Paul, our pub- 
lic servants, poor knaves and honest rascals, would not obey, 
simply out of reverence and for fear of offending and hurting 
our feelings ! 

Here follows a specimen of the people ruling the college and 
the college ruling the people. 

We, the people of the Trustees, for the good of the people 
general, did resolve this autumn to elect a Professor of Mathe- 
matics and advertised accordingly. This of itself enraged the 
people who set no value on learning, and deemed one small 
salary a waste of the poor people's education money ; but when 
rumour declared we intended to elect a man nominally a Rat,^ 
(Mr. Clarence being also a Rat,) the wrath was roused of the 
people, religious, and irreligious, of all other sects. This, in- 
deed, was confined to Woodville; for from the very first, we, 
the people of Woodville and thereabouts, did kindly adopt the 
State College as ours; and we, therefore, claimed the sole right 
of superintending the Legislature, the Board of Visitors, the 
Board of Trustees, the Faculty, proper and improper, the Stu- 
dents, foreign and domestic, the Funds, the Buildings — the every- 
thing ; and for some time we ordered and regulated, and turned in 
and out most despotically. 

^ Nickname for a religious sect in the Purchase. 



FOURTH YEAR 329 

Well, the people having united the peoples in a fixed purpose, 
viz. — to keep out a Rat, but not having united them in any 
purpose of putting in anybody else, the people, now sovereign and 
of many kings, held a meeting up town in the court-house yard; 
while we, the trustee-people and sovereigns of another sort, were 
holding our meeting to elect a professor in the prayer-hall of Big 
College; and then the People's-people, formed under the com- 
mand of Brigadier Major General Jacobus, Esq., Clerk of Court, 
Chief Librarian of Woodville Library, and Deputy Post Master 
under his late Majesty, General Andrew Jackson, marched down 
in a formidable battalion to give us our orders. 

This grand dignitary of so many tails we have just named, was 
most fit head to the fit body he conducted. He was no inconsid- 
erable a people himself, being very fat and very saucy; nay, as 
in warm weather he always appeared without coat, vest, cravat, 
and usually with slouched hat, shoes down at heel on stockingless 
feet, and one "gallus" hard strained to keep up his greasy and 
raggy breeches ; and as in this costume he strutted everywhere 
full of swagger and brag, he was then the best living and embod- 
ied personification of a mistaken, conceited, meddlesome, prag- 
matical people anywhere to be found. He flourished in that 
grand era, rotation in office : but by him it was interpreted a rota- 
tion out of one public office into another — yea ! even now he actu- 
ally sustained at once seven salaried offices little and big — yea! 
moreover to these seven tails he added and very commonly ex- 
hibited another — the tail of his shirt! Now, one may conceive 
how our great father of one or more terms looks ; one can even 
imagine how Uncle Sam looks; but who forms approximating 
conceptions of that proteus sovereign — the People! Believe me, 
his rowdy majesty, General Jacobus, is as near a likeness, in 
many essential respects, as can be obtained — but this is digression.^ 

2 Gen. Jacob Lowe was the man whose portrait is thus held up to 
posterity, — quite true to life, in the main. Judge D. D. Banta was a 
youth in college when the second edition of the "New Purchase" appeared 
(1855). He tells of hearing from Lowe's own lips how Lowe felt when 
he first read the book. Tt seems that Gabriel M. Overstreet, of Johnson 
County (the county from which Judge Banta came) was a student in 
Bloomington in 1843 when the first edition of the "New Purchase" was 
issued. Overstreet says that the first knowledge the student's had of the 



330 FOURTH YEAR 

Our honourable Trustees were, as usual, sitting with open 
doors, and hence were, as heretofore, accommodated with num- 
erous lobby members ; and these kept muttering discontent at our 
doings, and often volunteered remarks in a play-house whisper for 
our correction and guidance. Dr. Sylvan, however, who antici- 
pated a storm, had contrived to put the vote for Mr. Har wood's 
election,^ a little prior to the first faint noise of the coming 



book came from the interest shown by the professors in the single copy 
at their disposal. So interested was the professor who had it for reading 
within a given time that he kept it in his desk and read between recita- 
tions, and when classes entered the recitation room the professor would be 
found reading the book. The new book was in great demand, but for 
some reason it was not on sale. In some manner the students managed 
to get a copy, which, so far as Mr. Overstreet knew, was the second copy 
on the ground. The excitement ran high and so anxious were the boys 
to know the book's contents that they could not await reading by turns 
but they met in companies and one of the number would read aloud. To 
■some extent the citizrcns of the town did likewise; Gen. Jacob Lowe ("Gen. 
Jacobus") was the chosen reader for a group of citizens. He had a fine 
sonorous voice and could make himself heard, and being thoroughly ac- 
quainted with the times and many of the scenes described was able to in- 
dicate the personages meant as he went along. It was twelve years later 
when Judge Banta heard Lowe describe his feelings when he first read 
this pen picture of himself. "I was never so mad in my life," said Lowe, 
"I was too mad to talk, and so I went home thinking all the way how I 
could have my revenge. But before I went back to town the next morn- 
ing I saw the ridiculous absurdity of the whole thing and that if I let any 
one know I was mad the whole town would laug'h at me and that I would 
never hear the last of it, and so I made light of it from that morning on, 
and it was the other fellows who got laughed at." — Judge D. D. Banta's 
manuscript Lecture on the New Purchase. How Lowe felt about it must 
have come to Hall, for he afterwards wrote, "I am happy the Bloomington 
General has been taken in and done for so well ; and by this you may see 
how true to nature are the .pictures and delineations of the New 
Purchase." The editor's recollection of Lowe in his old age distinctly veri- 
fies Hall's racy description of Lowe's dress and personal appearance. 

3 John Hopkins Harney, whose election to the chair of Mathematics in 
Indiana College is referred to here, was born in Bourbon County, Ky., 
Feb. 20, 1806. He graduated at Miami University in 1827. Soon after bis 
graduation he walked from Oxford, Ohio, to Bloomington and applied for 
the position of teacher of Mathematics in the State Seminary. He was 
elected by the Trustees on May 15, 1827, and this election was confirmed 
by the Board of Visitors, of which Gov. James B. Ray was a member, 
on Nov. 2, 1827. Harney was a friend of Hall's and after the college 



FOURTH YEAR 



331 



cataract of turbid waters, and had succeeded in securing this 
gentleman's unanimous choice — when a considerable hurrahing 
outside announced the People's-people — and in a moment after, 
in swaggered his greasy royalty. General Jacobus, followed by as 
much of the ultimate sovereignty as could squeeze into the room. 
And then King Slouch commenced as follows: — 

"Mr. President and gentlemen of the Board ! — hem ! — I have 
the honour to be the orgun of the people — hem ! — and by their 
orders I've come in here, to forbid the election of Mr. Har- 
wood of Kaintuckey, as our Professor of Mathematucs — hem! — 
in the people's collidge — he-e-m ! ! You'r all servunts of the people' 
and hain't the right no how to give away their edicashion money 
without thar consent — I say — hem ! — as all is not admitted to 
these here halls of science — he-e-m ! ! And the people in the 
inbred, incohesive use of thar indefeesibul native rights, order 
me thar orgun to say they don't want two teachers of the same 
religion no how — and I say it — and I say, Mr. President, they 
say its better to have them of different creeds, and I say that 
too — for they say they'll watch one another and not turn the 
students to thar religion and — hem ! Yes, the people in their 
plentitude have met, and they say they don't want no church and 
state — and I say it; for thar's a powerful heap of danger to let 
one sect have all the power — and I call on this board to let their 
historic recollections be — be — recollected — and wasn't thar John 
Calvin, the moment he got the power, didn't he burn poor Mikul 
Servetis at the stake — and — and — so ain't it plain if two men here 
git all the power thar's a beginning of church and state, as that 
immortal Jefferson says? And who knows if you and me and the 
people here mayn't be tortered and burn'd yet in a conflagration 
of fagguts and fire? Who then with this probability " 

Here Dr. Sylvan, our worthy President, interrupted the speaker, 
the doctor being now only recovered from his surprise ; for, 
veteran as he was in politics, and often as he had known the 
people essay small overt acts of sovereignty, this affair was so 



quarrel in 1831, he resigned his phice in Indiana College and became 
Professor of Mathematics and Astronomy in ?Ianover College. From 1837 
to 1844 he was Editor of the Louisz'ille Democrat, a newspaper of wide 
influence in the West. He died in Louisville. Jan. 26, 1868. 



332 FOURTH YEAR 

novel and so grandly impudent, that it took him the first half of 
the harangue to collect himself, and the other to concoct the fol- 
lowing judicious compound of decision, sarcasm and blarney: — 

"It is with regret. General Jacobus and my respected fellow 
citizens, I interrupt the eloquent utterance of sentiments so pa- 
triotic and so well adapted to excite our disgust and horror at a 
union of Church and State; but in the present case, I do really 
believe the danger is not to be apprehended. In the first place, 
we all know the liberal sentiments of Professor Clarence towards 
all religious bodies; and in the second place, the gentleman just 
elected by us before the entrance of your honourable body and 
organ, is not known to be a member of any communion; and 
lastly, we Trustees are of six different denominations ourselves, 
and therefore, as we put in we can also put out, the instant danger 
is found to threaten the State from our present course. And, 
fellow-citizens, we shall, I am confident, be quite Argus-eyed over 
our faculty — but at all events we have gone too far to retrace our 
steps ; for Mr. Harwood is legally appointed, and for what we 
deemed good reasons. And surely no American citizen in this 
glorious land of equal rights and blood-bought liberties, where 
the meanest felon has a trial by jury, will contend that an hon- 
ourable unoffending man of another state — the noble old Ken- 
tucky — should be turned out of office — and no accusation against 
his competency and moral character? Backwoodsmen don't ask 
that! — and they don't think of it. Had this honourable representa- 
tion come fifteen minutes sooner, something might have been done 
or prevented ; — for we are indeed servants of the people — but Mr. 
Harwood ought now to have time to show himself, and cannot 
be degraded without an impeachment. And who is ready to im- 
peach a Kentuckian because John Calvin or John Anybody else 
burnt Servetus a hundred years ago? — and that, when it is not 
even known whether Mr. Harwood himself might not have been 
roasted in the days of persecution for some heresy mathematical 
or religious ! Fellow citizens, our meeting is adjourned." 

Our venerable Congress at Washington sometimes gets into a 
row, and even breaks up in a riot. And why should it not be so, 
when many conscript fathers have practised bullyism from early 
life, and have only gone to the great conservative assembly to do. 



FOURTH YEAR 333 

on a large scale, dirty things often done before on a small one? 
Or why, on the other hand, if the reverend young fathers there 
set us, the people, the example, should any person affect to 
wonder that we sometimes imitate our law givers? Whether we, 
the New Purchase people, set or followed the example, need not 
be determined; but we certainly adjourned to-day in a grand kick- 
up; which, if described, must be in the pell-mell style of history. 

At the word "adjourned," ending Doctor Sylvan's speech, came 
a violent and simultaneous rush ; some pushing towards the door, 
to get out — some from without into the door, to get in — and some 
towards the clerk's seat, to seize and destroy the record ; but 
that wary officer, at the same word just named, had quietly slipped 
the sacred record into his breeches' pocket, the minutes being only 
recorded with a lead pencil on a quarter sheet of cap paper. Then 
commenced a hell-a-below, loud enough at first, but which, like a 
Latin Inceptive, still went on and tended to perfection ; being an 
explosion commingled of growl, curse, hurrah, hiss, stamp, and 
clap ; and then and there and all through the "mass meeting," 
were Brigadier Major General Jacobus, and our people and the 
people's people and other people, all huddled and crowded and 
mixed, and all and every one and each were and was explaining, 
demanding, denying, do-telling, and wanting to know, some what 
thus: 

"Hurrah for HarwoodI — damn him and Clarinse too — ain't 
the money our'n, that's what I want to know ? — I say Doctor, re- 
member next 'lection ! — that's the pint — you lie, by the lord Harry ! 
— let me out, blast your eyes ! — it ain't — it tis — let us in, won't 
you? — do tell — General Jacobus ought to have his nose pulled — he 
didn't burn him — don't tell me — pull it if you dare — he burnt 
hisself — go to the devil — no patchin' to him — powerful quick on 
the trigger — Calvin — get up petition to legislature — rats — didn't 
I say we ought to get down sooner? — faggots — Harwood ain't — 
gunpowder — darn'd clever fellow — Servetus — hurrah for hie liaec 
hoc! — let's out — give 'em more money — let's in — is the board to 
be forced? — get out o' my way — fair trial — don't blast — answer 
that — I know better — 'tain't — 'tis — hold your jaw — whoo! — shoo! 
— hiss — hinyow — bowwow — rumble — grumble — Sylvan — Clarinse 
Jacobus — Harwood Servetus" — &c. &c., and away rolled majesty, 



334 



FOURTH YEAR 



till the noise in the distance was like the grum mutter of retiring 
thunder! 

How awfully grand and solemn a little people in the swell of 
arrogated supremacy! But we saw King Mob to greater ad- 
vantage next year ; which sight shall be duly set before our read- 
ers. Meanwhile we shall take a pleasant rural excursion in the 
the following chapter, by way of recreating after our toils in 
behalf of learning. 



CHAPTER XLIV. 

"We still have slept together, 
Rose at an instant, learn'd, play'd, eat together." 

" Are not these woods 



More free from peril than the envious court?" 

Reader ! 

"Well, what now?" 

Will you go with us? Come, surely Tippecanoe will arouse you ; 
and although we have miles of dark, tangled, and, in places, almost 
untrodden forests to pass ; although we shall ford and swim creeks, 
swollen from recent rains, and where a blundering horse would 
plunge the rider into rapid and whirling waters ; and although 
some inconveniences and customs will be found inconsistent with 
steamboats and rail road journeys, yet who will not risk all to 
stand on the battle field of the brave, amid the sadness of its 
solitary and far-distant prairie! 

"Very eloquent! — but, Mr. Carlton, only think of the mud." 

Yes, dear reader, but the girls are to go along. 

"Girls!" 

Yes, and very pretty and intelligent ones too — real lady 
Hoosiers. 

"Are you in earnest? Who are they?" 

The young ladies of Miss Emily Glenville's Woodville Female 
Institute. 

"Oh! — ay! — I had forgot your school — what then?" 



FOURTH YEAR 335 

Why, it is our vacation, and myself with one or two other 
gentlemen are going to escort the giils home. Seven of the pupils 
belong to wealthy and respectable families in the north, and one 
or two live very near to Tippecanoe. 

"Heigho ; — out of compliment to the ladies we go ; but how long 
will you be yet?" 

Oh, we shall get through after a while. ''No lane," you know, 
&c. Of course then you consent. 

Well, our party consisted of eleven persons — the seven girls, 
the father and brother of one girl, and myself and young Mr. 
Frank, of Woodville, who, like myself, wished to see the world. 
To carry us were precisely ten horses and a half, the fractional 
creature being a dwarf pony, an article or noun, which young 

B k, the brother rode, like a velocipede, and which, by pressing 

the toes of boots against hard and hilly places in the path, could 
be aided by pushing. And thus, also, the rider could a sorter 
stand and go, like wheels in motion, at once ; and all that would 
greatly relieve the tedium of monotonous riding. The special use 
of the pony was manifested in fording mudholes, quicksands, 
quagmires, marshes, high waters, and the like. In vain did the 
rider pull up his limbs ; ^ in vain shrink away up towards the centre 
of his saddle — up followed the cream-coloured mud in beech 
swamps, the black mud and water in bayous, the black mud itself 
in walnut and sugar lands, or the muddy water in turbid creeks 
and rivers, and the rider became deeply interested in the circu- 
lating medium. 

But what a contrast to a stage coach, to say nothing of a car; 
ten horses and upwards to carry eleven people ; And how I do 
wish you could have seen us set out ! Dear oh, dear ! the scamp- 
ering, and tearing, and winnowing, and kicking up, and cocking 
of ears, as the quadrupeds were "being" rid up to the rack ! and 
then the clapping on of horse-blankets and saddles, male and 
female, croopers and circingles and bridles, double and single! 
What a drawing of girths ! What a fixing and unfixing and re- 
fixing of saddle-bags! What a hanging of "fixins" themselves, 
done up in red handkerchiefs on the horns of the gentler sex sad- 
dles! And then the girls — like the barbarians in G-esar's Com- 

3 Lower limbs here, in contradistincrion to upper ones. 



336 FOURTH YEAR 

mentaries in one battle, they seemed to be every where at once — 
up stairs, down stairs, on the stairs, in the closet under the 
stairs ! They were in the house, out of the house, in the yard, at 
the door, by the horses ! And ah, how they did ask questions 
and get answers. "Where's my shawl?" "Is this it?" "Did 
nobody see my basket?" "I didn't." "Who's got my album?" 
"Mr. Frank." "Will some body fasten my fixens?" "He ain't 
here." "Won't nobody carry this?" and so on through all the 
bodies. 

The animals were now all harnessed, and stood comparatively 
quiet, except an occasional impatient stamp, or an active and 
venomous switch of a tail : the bustle, too, had subsided, and all 
had come to that silent state when no more questions can be 
asked, but all are waiting for some one to begin the — farewell. 
And then came that sad word, amid gushing tears — mid sobs and 
kisses — for with some "the schooling" was finished, and "who 
could tell whether ever more should meet" those sprightly, happy, 
sweet companions ! 

But soon followed the uproar of mounting; and with that 
seemed to pass all sorrow ; and yet so painful had been the 
last few moments, that an excuse was needed for saying and doing 
something lively. Of course we all said a great many smart 
things, or what passed for such, in the way of compliment, rail- 
lery and repartee ; and we guessed and reckoned and allowed and 
foretold the most contrary matters about the weather, and the 
roads, and the waters, and even about our fates through the whole 
of our coming lives. In the meanwhile horse after horse was 
paraded towards the block, each receiving extra jerks, and some 
handsome slaps and kicks on the off flank, to make him wheel 
into position, when next moment away he scampered with a side- 
way rider, in trot, shuffle, pace, or canter, according to his fancy, 

till all the lady riders were on the saddles, and then Mr. B k, 

sen., and myself riding in advance, he shouted, "Come on, girls — 
we're off." 

And off it was — amidst the giggling of girls, and the laughter 
of neighbours, nodding good byes with their heads, or shaking 
them out of handkerchiefs, from doors and windows ; and also the 
boisterous farewells of some two dozen folks that had helped us 



FOURTH YEAR 337 

fix. Off it was, some at a hard trot, some at a round gallop, and 
others at a soft pace or shuffle, the animals snorting, squeeling, 
and winnowing — sometimes six abreast, sometimes two, sometimes 
all huddled like a militia cavalry training ; and then all in Indian 
file, one by one, with yards of space between us ! Oh ! the 
squeezing of lower limbs against horse rumps ! — the kicking and 
splattering of mud! — the streaming forth of ill-secured kerchiefs 
and capes ! Oh ! the screeching ! shouting ! laughing ! shaking ! 
What flapping of saddleskirts ! What walloping of saddle-bags ! 
Away with stages ! — steamers ! — cars ! Give me a horse and the 
life, activity and health of Hoosiers and Hoosierinas let loose 
all at once in the whirligig storm and fury of that morning's 
starting ! 

We soon degenerated into slow trot, and finally into a fast 
walk, with episodial riding to scare a flock of wild turkies, or 
add wings to the flight of a deer; till we all became at last so 
shaken down and settled in our saddles as to seem each a com- 
pound of man ( g@*/?o;no) and horse. Yet for hours we kept up 
talk of all kinds. Yea ! we halloed — we quizzed — we laughed ! 
Ay ! we talked seriously too — for no one rides through our grand 
woods any more than he sails forth on the grand waters, and 
feels not solemn ! And we even talked religiously — more so than 
most readers would care to hear! Lively, indeed, we were — but 
God even then was in our thoughts ; and some of that happy com- 
pany were then, and are yet, ornaments of the Christian world — 
some are in heaven ! Yes, then as now, we often passed, as is the 
case with the joyous, the frank-hearted, the middle class,- and, in 
an instant, from laughter to tears. 

No halt was made for dinner: it was handed round on horse- 
back. A piece, or half a piece of ham, boxed neatly between two 
boards of corn-bread, and held delicately— as possible — between 
the finger and thumb of an attendant, was thus presented for 
acceptance. Yet not always was it easy to take the proflFered 
dainties; since often the horse, out of sheer affectation, or be- 
cause of a sly kick or switch from an unseen quarter, would, at 

2 To that we belong, and hope we always shall :— "Give me neither 
poverty nor riches." 



338 FOURTH YEAR 

the instant of captation, jump aside, or leap forward, and verify 
the proverb — "many a sHp between the cup and lip." 

Towards evening it was heard that Slippery River was falling, 
but could not be forded; and hence it was determined to stay all 
night in a cabin several miles this side, in expectation of our being 
able to ford in the morning. We were, of course, received by 
our friends with open hearts, and entertained in the most ap- 
proved backwoods' style, — the only awkwardness being that beds 
could be furnished but for four of our party. As some, therefore, 
must sleep on the floor, it was unanimously voted that all should 
share alike in the hardship and frolic of a puncheon's night's rest ; 
and hence, in due season, all hands were piped to convert our sup- 
per-room into a grand bed-chamber. And first, the floor was 
swept; secondly, our blankets were spread on it; thirdly, over 
these horse-cloths was put a good rag carpet; and, lastly, in a 
line were ranged saddle-bags and valises, interspersed with other 
bolsters and pillows stuffed with feathers and rags ; and then, 
the fire being secured, we all began to undress 

"Oh ! goodness ! Mr. Carlton ! — girls ! and all ?" 

Girls and all, my dear. 

"I vow then, I will never marry and go to a New Purchase? 
But did the ladies really divest — hem ! — before — the — the " 

To be sure. 

"What ! take off all the usual " 

Oh ! that I cannot say. Western gentlemen never peep. Be- 
sides the gentlemen took off only coats and boots ; and intelligent 
ladies everywhere always know how to act according to necessity. 

Our order of "reclinature," as Doctor Hexagon would here 

doubtless say, was as follows : Mr. B k, sen., reclined first, 

having on his outside next the door, his son, and on the inside, 
his daughter ; then the other girls, one after another, till all were 
finished ; then his modesty, Mr. C, who, having a wife at home, 
was called, by courtesy to suit the occasion, an old man ; and then, 
outside him, and next the other door young Mr. Frank 

"I never!" ^ 

and then after a little nearly inaudible whispering, bursting 



^What! never read the story of Boaz and Ruth? 



FOURTH YEAR 339 

at short intervals into very audible giggles, the hush of the dark 
wilderness came upon us — and — an — a — 

"What?" 

Hey ! — oh ! — ah ! — I beg pardon — I think we must have been 
asleep ! 

After breakfast our friend Mr. B k, sen., offered an earnest 

prayer, in which thanks were returned for past mercies and 
favours, and supplication made for protection during the prospec- 
tive perils of the day ; and in an hour after we were within sight, 
and hearing too, of the sullen and angry flood. 

The waters had, indeed, fallen in a good degree, and they were 
still decreasing, yet no person, a stranger to the West, could have 
looked on that foaming and eddying river leaping impetuous 
over the rocky bed, and have heard the echoes of its many thun- 
ders calling from cliff to cliff, and from one dark cavern to another 
in the forest arched over the water, — no inexperienced traveller, 
all sign of hoof and wheel leading to the ford obliterated, could 
have supposed that our party, and mostly very young girls, were 
seriously preparing to cross that stream on our horses ! But 
either that must be, or our path be retraced; and sobered, there- 
fore, although not intimidated, we made ready for the perilous 
task. The older and more resolute girls were seated on the sure- 
footed horses, and all their dresses were properly arranged, and all 
loose cloaks and clothes carefully tied up, that, in case of accident, 
nothing might entangle the hands or feet. Several little girls were 
to be seated behind the gentlemen, while a loose horse or two 
was left to follow. We gentlemen riders were also to ride be- 
tween two young ladies, to aid in keeping their horses right, to 
seize a rein on emergencies, and to encourage the ladies, in case 
they showed any symptoms of alarm. 

Things ready, we all rode boldly to the water's edge ; where a 

halt was called, till Mr. B. k and Mr. C. should go foremost 

and try the ford. And now, dear reader, it may be easy to ford 
Slippery River in this book, and maybe Mr. C. has contrived to 
seem courageous like — ^but that morning, at first sight of that ugly 
water, he did secretly wish it had been bridged, and feel — that is 
— wished all safe over; and possibly had he been favoured with a 



340 FOURTH YEAR 

few moments' more reflection, he might have been rather scared 
— yet just then, souse went Mr. B. up to his saddle-skirts, seem- 
ing a man on a saddle with a tail streaming out horizontally, and 
and then came his voice thus : — 

"Come on, Carlton ! — come on !" 

"Ay! ay! sir — I'm in — souse — splash! Oho! the water's in 
my boots!" 

"Hold up your legs ! — why don't you ?" 

"Forgot it, Mr. B. — don't care now — can't get any wetter." 

N. B. None, save born and bred woodsmen, can keep the 
limbs properly packed and dry on the horse neck, in deep fords : 
naturalized woodmen never do it either gracefully or successfully. 
I have myself vainly tried a hundred times : but at the first desper- 
ate plunge and lurch of the quadruped, I have always had to 
unpack the articles and let them drop into the water — otherwise 
I should have dropped myself. 

Mr. B. and myself rode around and into the deepest places, 
satisfying ourselves and the rest, that with due caution and for- 
titude the ford was practicable — or nearly so: and then I re- 
turned for the girls, while Mr. B. rode down and stationed him- 
self in the middle river about twenty-five yards below the ford 
proper, to intercept, if possible, any article or person falling 
from or thrown by a blundering horse. Having myself been in 
the deepest water, although not the most rapid, and knowing 
that much depended on my firmness and care, my sense of per- 
sonal danger was lost in anxiety for my precious charge ; and I 
re-entered the perilous flood with the girls with something like a 
determination, if necessary, to save their lives rather than my 
own. 

Several of these, from the first, utterly refused all assistance; 
they now sat like queens of the chivalric age — seeming, occasion- 
ally, tiny boats trimmed with odd sails and tossing mid the foam, 
as their horses rose and sunk over the roughness of the rocky 
bottom! The other girls, shutting their eyes to avoid looking at 
the seeming dangers, and also to prevent swimming of the head, 
held the horn of the saddle with a tenacious grasp, and sur- 
rendered the horses to the guidance of the escorts. 

On reaching the middle of the river, here some eighty yards 
wide, the depth had, indeed, decreased to about two feet ; but 



FOURTH YEAR 341 

then the rocks being more, and larger and rougher, the current 
was raging among them — a miniature of the Niagara Rapids. 
Here was I seized with a momentary perplexity. By way of 
punishing the incipient cowardice, however, I checked my own 
horse and that of the trembling girl next me, and thus remain- 
ing, forced my eyes to survey the whole really terrific scene, and 
to comtemplate a cataract of waters thundering in an unbroken 
sheet over a ledge of rocks thirty feet high, and a short distance 
above the ford. And having thus compelled myself in the very 
midst of the boiling sea, to endure its surges, we proceeded cau- 
tiously and lesisurely, till with no other harm than a good wetting, 
especially to my boots and upwards, and a little palpitation of the 
heart, all came safe to land. 

And then the chattering; and how we magnified ourselves! 
The charges and denials too! — "Mary what makes you so pale?" 
— "Pshaw! — I'm not — I was not scared a bit!" — "Nor me 
neither — " "Ha! ha! ha! — you had your eyes shut all the time!" 
—"Oh! Mr. Carlton had I?" "Well"— said he— "we must not 
tell tales out of school: beside I was half afraid I should get 
scared myself." 

"You! Mr. Carlton"— said Mr. B.— "well it may be so; but 
without flattery, you brought the girls over about as well as I 
could have done it myself — why, you were as cool as a 
woodsman." 

"Well after that praise, Mr. Blank"— (for that is the name) — 
"I mean to set up for a real genuine Hoosier." 

Reader ! I did not deserve such praise : but as to being "cool," 
there was no mistake — only think of the cold water in my boots 
and elsewhere ! 

Inquiry was now made about the pony : and that was answered 
by a general "Haw! haw! haw! hoo! hoo! hoo! he! he! he!" 
and so through the six cases — and mingled with the exclamations 
"look! look!" — "down thare! down thare!" 

We of course looked; and about thirty yards below the land- 
ing, was pony, or rather pony's head, his body and tail being 
invisible; but whether hippopotamus-like he walked on the bot- 
tom, or was actually swimming, was uncertain. But there he 
was; and, by the progression of his ears, he was manifestly 
making headway pretty fast towards our side ; although ever and 



342 FOURTH YEAR 

anon, by the sudden dousing of his ears, he had either plunged 
into water deeper than his expectation, or been momentarily up- 
set by the current. By this time our two young gentlemen had got 
opposite to pony and were waiting to assist at his toilette on his 
emerging; — for his saddle and bridle, &c., had been all brought 
over on a vacated steed. The three soon rejoining us, we all, 
in health and with grateful hearts and good spirits, were again 
dashing on, wild and independent Tartars, through our own 
loved forests. 

But before we could reach our quarters this night, Nut Creek 
was to be passed, too deep to be forded, and having neither 
bridge nor scow ! it was to be done — by canoe ! and travelling by 
the canoe line has very little amusement, although abundance 
of danger and trouble and excitement. 

The canoe, in the present case, was a log ten feet long and 
eighteen inches wide and hacked, burned, and scraped, to the 
depth of a foot: and it was tolerably well rounded to a point 
at each end, being however, destitute of keel or rudder. It was 
indeed, wholly unlike a fairy skifif found in poetry or Scott's 
■Novels, or in the engravings of annuals bound in cloth and gold 
and reposing on centre tables. Nor was it either classical or 
Indian. It differed from a bark-canoe as a wooden shoe from a 
black morocco slipper! Either nature, or a native, had begun a 
hog-trough to hold swill and be snouted : but its capacities prov- 
ing better than expectation — a little extra labour had chopped 
the thing into a log-boat ! 

Well — into this metamorphosed log was now to be packed 2l 
most precious load. To one end went first, Mr. Blank, senr. 
with a paddle ; then were handed along, one by one, the tremb- 
ling girls, who sitting instantly on the bottom of the trough 
and closing their eyes, held to its sides with hands clenched as for 
life; and then followed Mr. C. filling up the few inches of re- 
maining space, and for the first time in his days holding a canoe 
paddle! and then at the cry "let go!" our two junior gentlemen on 
the bank relaxed their hands and our laden craft was at the 
mercy of the flood ! 

Many a boat had I rowed on the Delaware and the Schuylkill, 
— often a skifif on the Ohio, — ay ! and poled and set over many 
a scow: but what avail that civilized practice, in propelling for 



FOURTH YEAR 343 

the first time in one's life a hollow log, and with a small paddle 
like a large mush stick? — and across a raging torrent in a 
gloomy wilderness? Was it so wonderful my end went round? 
— and more than once ! Could I help it ? Was it even a wonder 
I looked solemn? — grew dizzy? — and at last quit paddling al- 
together? But it zvas a wonder I did not itpset that vile swine 
thing, and plunge all into the water — perhaps into death ! and yet 
we all reached, by the skill of Mr. Blank, our port in safety. 

The horses in the meanwhile had been stripped, and three or 
four trustworthy ones released from their bridles to swim over 
by themselves : and so we made ready to ferry over the remain- 
ing animals and all the baggage, not, indeed at one, but several 
trips. The trust-worthy and more sensible creatures were led 
by the mane, or the nose, or driven with switches, and pelted 
with clods to the edge of the creek ; where they were partly 
coaxed, and partly pushed into the flood, whence rising from the 
plunge, they swam snorting to the far side, and landing, con- 
tinued cropping about till wanted. 

The less accommodating creatures were one at a time managed 
thus: Mr. Blank, senr. took a station at that end of the canoe, 
which when dragged round by the horse would become the 
stern, to guide and steer; and Mr. C. twice, and Mr. Frank and 
young Blank each once, was seated in the prow that was to be, 
and held the rope or bridle attached at the other end to the 
horse's head: then, all ready, the creature pulled by the person 
in the canoe and pelted, beat, slapped and pushed by the two on 
land took the "shoote ;" — in this case a plunge direct over head 
and ears into water a little over nine feet deep! If this did not 
drag under or upset the log, that was owing to the — (hem!) 
dexterity and presence of mind and so forth, of the steersman — 
and the man at the bridle end ! But when the animal arose and 
began to snort and swim ahead ! — oh ! sirs, then was realized and 
enjoyed all ever fabled about Neptune and his dolphins! or 
Davy Crockett and his alligators ! What if you have a qualm at 
first! — that is soon lost in the excitement of this demi-god sailing! 
It is even grand ! to cross a perilous flood on a log harnessed to 
a river horse ! and with the rapidity of a comet, and the whirl and 
splash of a steamer! No wonder our Western people do often 
feel contempt for the tender nurslings of the East! And is it 



344 FOURTH YEAR 

not likely that the fables about sea-cars, and water-gods, orig- 
inated when men lived in the woods, dieted on acorns, and re- 
created themselves with this horse and log navigation? The hint 
may be worth something to the editors of Tooke's Pantheon. 

In an hour and a half we reached our second night's lodging 
place; and next day, at noon, the girls being committed to the 
junior gentlemen to escort to Sugartown, the residence of Mr. 
Blank, he and the author took the episodial journey, described 
in the following chapter. 



CHAPTER XLV. 

"Shaking his trident, urges on his steeds, 
Who with two feet beat from their brawny breasts 
The foaming billow ; but their hinder parts 
Swim, and go smooth against the curling surge." 

We parted from our young folks, at an obscure trace, leading 
Mr. B. and Mr. C. away to the left towards Big Possum Creek; 
along which, somewhere in the woods, Mr. Blank expected to 
meet an ecclesiastical body, of which he was a member. 

The spot was found late that night ; but as yet no delegates had 
appeared, and when next day at three o'clock p. m., a s'ingle 
clergyman appeared, jaded and muddy, and reported the waters 
as too high for members in certain directions to come at all, the 
whole affair was postponed till the subsidence of the flood; or, 
It was adjourned till dry weather! 

Mr. Blank being an officer of the general government, and 
having important matters demanding his immediate attention, 
now took me aside, and began as follows : — 

"Mr. Carlton, do you want to try a little more backwood's 
life?" 

"Why?" 

"Because, if possible, I should like to reach my house to-night." 

"To-night!! — why 'tis half-past three! and your house is at 
least thirty-five miles " 

"Yes, by the trace, up Big Possum — but in a straight line 
through the woods 'tis not over twenty-five miles." 



FOURTH YEAR 345 

"But there is no road?" 

"I don't want any ; the sun is bright, and by sun-down, we 
shall strike a new road laid out last fall; and that I can fol- 
low in the night." 

"I have never, Mt. B. swum a horse; and I confess I'm a leetle 
timid; and we cannot expect even canoes where there are no 
settlements " 

"Oh ! never fear, I'll go ahead ; beside, Big Possum is all that 
is very seriously in the way; and I think it will hardly swim us 
now — come, what do you say — will you go?" 

"Well — let's see ; twenty-five miles — no road, no settlement, 
won't quite swim, maybe — new road in the dark — pretty fair for 
a tyro, Mr. Blank; but I can't learn sooner; I'll go, sir — let us be 
off at once then." 

Our friends expressed some surprise, and used some dehorta- 
tion ; but the bold, energetic, and cautious character of Mr. B. 
was well known, and hence no great fears were either expressed 
or felt for our safety. Accordingly, after a hasty kind of din- 
ner-supper, we were mounted, and started away in the fashion 
of boys' foot races, prefaced by the forrnula — '"are you saddled? 
— are you bridled?? — whip! — start! — and Go-o!!" 

Big Possum was soon reached ; and as there was no ford es- 
tablished by law or custom, it was to be forded at a venture. My 
friend sought, indeed, not for a place less deep apparently, but 
for one less impeded by bushes and briars, and then in he 
plunged, "accoutred as he was, and bade me follow." And so, 
indeed, I did boldly, and promptly; for my courage was really 
so modest as to need the stimulus of a blind and reckless conduct. 
Hence, all I knew was a "powerful heap" of water in my boots 
again, and an uneasy wet sensation in the saddle-seat ' — with a 
curious sinking of the horses "hinder parts," as if he kicked 
at something and could not hit it — and then a hard scramble of 
his fore legs in the treacherous mud of a bank; and then this 
outcry of Mr. Blank, as he turned an instant in his saddle to 
watch my emersion : — 

"Well done! Carlton I well done! You'll be a woodsman yet! 
Come, keep up — the worst is over." 

1 I hope the Magazines won't be hard on the grammar here— it is so 
great a help to our delicacy — a double intendcr like. 



346 FOURTH YEAR 

Reader ! I do think praise is the most magical thing in nature ! 
In this case it nearly dried my inexpressibles ! And on I followed, 
consoling myself for the other water in the boots, by singing — 
"possum up a gum tree!" 

"Hulloo! Mr. B. how are you steering? by the moss?" 

"No — by the shadozvs." 

"Shadows! how's that?" 

"Our course is almost North East — the sun is nearly West — so 
cutting the shadows of the trees at the present angle, we'll strike 
the road, this rate, about sun-set." 

I had travelled by the moss, a good general guide, the north 
and north-west sides of trees, having more and darker moss than 
the others ; I had gone by a corhpass in a watch key — by blazes — 
by the under side of leaves recently upturned, a true Indian trace, 
as visible to the practiced eye as the warm scent to a hound's nose 
— and by the sun, moon, or stars ; I had, in dark days, gone with 
comrades, who by keeping some fifty yards apart in a line, could 
correct aberrations ; but never had I thought of our present simple 
and infallible guide! 

Man maybe, as some think, very low in the intellectual scale, 
and yet he has one mark of divine resemblance — he always is in 
search of simple agents and means, and when found, he uses 
them in producing the greatest effects. Witness here man's con- 
trivances for navigating through the air and the waters, and for 
crossing deserts and solitudes! Laugh if you will, but I do con- 
fess that as we bounded along that beautiful sunny afternoon and 
evening, I felt how like gods we availed ourselves of reason, in 
that wilderness without squatters, without blazes, without dry 
leaves, having no compass, and indifferent to moss ; ay, and I 
smiled at the grim trees, while we cut athwart their black shadows 
at the proper angle, and heard from den and ravine and cliff 
the startled echoes crying out in amazement, in answering clat- 
ter and clang of hoofs and clamour of human voices ! 

For many miles the land was low and level, and mostly cov- 
ered with water in successive pools, seeming, at a short distance, 
like parts of one immense lake of the woods! These pools were 
rarely more than a few inches deep, unless in cavities where 
trees had been torn up by their roots, and such holes were easily 
avoided by riding around the prostrate tops. My friend had 



FOURTH YEAR 347 

not expected quite so much water; for he now called out at 
intervals — 

"Come on! Carlton! we mustn't be caught here in the dark — 
the sun's getting low — can you keep up?" 

"Ay — ay — go on ! — go on !" 

And then, after every such exhortation and reply, as if all 
past trotting had been walking, away, away we splashed, not 
kicking up a dust, but a mimic shower of aqueous particles, and 
many a smart sprinkle of mud, that rattled like hail on the leaves 
above, and the backs and shoulders below ! Never did I believe 
how a horse can go ! — at least through mud and water ! True, I 

did often think of "the merciful man, merciful to his beast!" — 

f 

but I thought in answer, that hay and oats were as scarce in the 
swamp as hog and hominy ; and hence, that for all our sakes we 
had better bestir matters a little extra for an hour or two, that all 
might get to "entertainment for man and horse." 

Hence, finally, we gave up all talking, singing humming, and 
whistling, and all conjecturing and wishing; and set in to plain, 
unostentatious hard riding, kicking and whipping, our respective 
"critturs" so heartily as to leave no doubt somewhere under their 
hides, of our earnestness and haste ; and, therefore, about half an 
hour after sunset, we gained or struck the expected road, where, 
although not yet free from the waters, we had no more appre- 
hension of losing the course. 

This road was, in truth, a new new road ; and not like some 
new new roads, new theatres and so forth that have had a 
patent for immortality and been fresh with youth for half a 
century.- And, happily, our road had never been cut up by a 
wagon, being only an opening twelve yards wide, full of stumps, 
and for a few miles ahead, full of water. Without a fixed pur- 
pose, therefore, we could not wander from the partially illumi- 
nated and comparatively unimpeded way; and hence twilight as 
it was, on we splattered and splashed in all the glory and pleni- 
tude of mud-hail, and dirt-coloured rain. 

At last we re-entered the dry world — a high and rolling coun- 
try.) As it was, however, then profoundly dark, our concluding 

2 However, new books now-a-days are exempt from the remark — being 
no more than literary fungi. Our fathers liked stale new things— the 
sons prefer new things that have a smell and die. 



348 FOURTH YEAR 

five miles were done in a walk, slow, solemn, and funereal ; till 
at half past ten o'clock that night we dismounted or disembarked, 
wet, weary, and hungry, at Mr. B.'s door: and there we were 
more than welcomed by his family and all our boys and girls 
snug and safe from the late perils of woods and waters. 



CHAPTER XLVI. 

"Slowly and sadly we laid him down 

From the field of his fame, fresh and gory ; 

We carved not a line, we raised not a stone, 
But we left him alone with his glory." 

At the end of a week's visit we left Sugartown for Tippe- 
canoe: but with a very diminished party. It consisted of one 
young lady, the two young gentlemen, myself, and other four, 
horses. The lady, Miss Charille, lived twenty-five miles to the 
north, and within ten miles of Tippecanoe. The young fellows 
accompanied out of gallantry, and to visit with me the field. 

Being in a hurry, I shall not say how, in fording and swim- 
ming Sweet Creek, my head became dizzy, till my horse seemed 
to rush sideways up the stream — and how, spite of all practice and 
contrary resolutions, I felt sick and let down my limbs into the 
water, while Mr. B., who came to see us safe over, kept crying 
out, "Stick to your horse — don't look at the water — look at the 
bank!" Nor shall I tell how, in crossing a prairie, we saw, oh! 
I don't know how many deer! — nor how we started up prairie 
fowls, hens and roosters, and wished we had guns ! — yes, and 
saw prairie wolves too, a cantering from us over the plain ! And 
I shall not narrate how in crossing one wet prairie, we were 
decoyed by some pretty, rich, green grass, into a morass! — and 
how Miss Charille's horse stuck fast, and struggling, pitched 
her into the mire ! — and how she was more scared than hurt, and 
worse muddied than either! I should like to tell about the tall 
grass in places, but I hasten to say, that early in the evening we 
arrived at Mr. Charille's; that we were cordially received; that 
we got supper in due season, and then went to bed in western 
style, all in one room: the beds here nearly touching in places. 



FOURTH YEAR 349 

but ingeniously separated by extemporary curtains of frocks and 
petticoats, and on a side of my bed, by two pairs of modest and 
respectable corduroy breeches. Fastidious folks, that smell at 
essences and flourish perfumed cambric, I know would have laid 
awake, curling their noses at the articles, but sensible ones in 
such cases go quietly to sleep ; while men of genius are even cap- 
tivated with the romance. 

"Romance! — what, a curtain of corduroy thinging-bobs ?" 

Yes, corduroy breeches modestly hung as wall between ladies 
and gentlemen, reposing amid the solemn vastness of a prairie! 
If that is not romance, pray what is? To sleep alone in a plastered 
chamber, with a lock on the door, blinds to the windows, wash- 
stand, toilette, and so on, is very comfortable — very civilized — 
but surely not very romantic. And if strangeness is a consti- 
tuent of romance, could any fix and fixtures be contrived 
stranger than ours? 

However like a setisible body, I went soon and quietly to sleep, 
and was quickly in spirit lost in the land of shadows and dreams: 
and having a fine capacity for dreaming, I had many visions, till 
at last came one of my pet dreams — a winged dream! Then, 
lifted on pinions fastened some where about me, I went sailing 
in the air over the wide expanse of the meadow world; then, ca- 
reering in a black tempest and hurricane, far above the bowing 
and crashing trees of the forest — and then suddenly descending 
near a mighty swollen river, I was deprived in some mysterious 
way of the wings ! Here I lay stretched on a bed, while the form 
of that venerable quadruped, my dear nameless old friend, a 
little larger than life, backed up and became harnessed to the foot 
of the couch, and the dwarf pony began with his hinder parts to 
push against the head-board and I was just a-launching into the 
waters, when down dropped both the steeds, and commenced to 
snort with so tremendous a tempest of noise as to wake me ! I 
rubbed my eyes and smiled — but is it possible? — hark! — am I 
still dreaming? What is that beyond the corduroys in the ad- 
joining bed? Dear, oh dear I can that be Dr. Charille snoring? 

During the week spent at Mr. Blank's his lady had once said 
to me, — 

"Mt. Carlton, you will not sleep any at Dr. Charille's." 

"Not sleep any — why?" 



350 FOURTH YEAR 

"His snoring will keep you awake." 
"Never fear — I can sleep in a thunder storm." 
"So I thought. But when lately he visited here, he insisting 
on sleeping alone in the passage, which we not permitting, when 
his snoring began, sure enough, as he himself pleasantly predicted, 
nobody else could sleep." 

This conversation now recurred, when that amazing snoring 
formed and then destroyed my dream ! What a relief, if young 
Mr. Frank and I, who slept together, could have laughed! One 
might have ventured, indeed, with impunity, during any paroxysm 
of snoring, if one could have quit when it subsided ; for the most 
honest cachination must have been unheard in the uproar of the 
Doctor's nasal trumpetings. 

How shall we so write as to give any correct idea of the per- 
formance? Pitiful, indeed, it began, like a puppy's whine; but 
directly its tone passed into an abrupt, snappish, mischievous, 
and wicked snort; and then into a frightful tornado of windy 
sleep; after which, in a few minutes, it subsided, and suddenly 
ceased, as if the doctor had made a successful snap and swal- 
lowed it! If this description be not satisfactory, I hope the 
reader will send for Robert Dale Owen, who, knowing how to 
represent morals and circumstances by diagrams, may succeed in 
the same way at setting forth snoring; but such is beyond our 
power. 

The doctor evidently worked by the job, from his earnestness 
and haste : and certainly he did do in any five minutes of a 
paroxysm, vastly more and better than all of us combined could 
have done the whole night. Happily any sound, regularly re- 
peated, becomes a lullaby; and hence he that had snored me 
awake, snored me asleep again; but never can I forget that 
amazing, startling, and exhilatory nasal solo! That nose could 
have done snoring parts in a somnambula, and would have roused 
up the drowsy hearers better than the clash of brass instruments ! 

;)< sK * * :t: * 

After an early breakfast, the two youngsters and myself set off 
on horse-back for Tippecanoe ; intending, as the field was only 
ten miles, to return, if possible, in the evening to Dr. Charille's. 

The day was favorable, and our path led usually through 
prairies, where awe is felt at the grandeur of the wild plains 



FOURTH YEAR 351 

stretching away sometimes with undulations, but oftener with 
unbroken smoothness, to meet the dim horizon. Yet one is fre- 
quently surprised and delighted there, with views of picturesque 
meadows, fringed with thickets intervening, and separating the 
primitive pasturages as in the golden age! The green and 
flowery meads seemed made for flocks and herds : and imagina- 
tion easily created, under the shade of trees, shepherds and shep- 
herdesses, with crooks and sylvan reeds! It heard the sound of 
pipes ! — the very tones of thrilling and strange voices! 

Then we seemed to approach a country of modern farms, where 
the gopher hills resembled hay-cocks awaiting the wagon ! and 
countless wild plums laden with rich and fragrant fruit recalled 
the Eastern orchards! Alas! our inconsistency! then I, who a 
while since looked with rapture to the sun-set and longed for the 
West, now looked to the sun-rise and sighed for the East — the 
far East ! And why not ? There was the home of my orphan boy- 
hood I there had I revelled, and without care in the generous toils 
of the harvest! — the binding of sheaves! — the raking of hay — the 
hay-mow ! — the stack-yard ! There had I snared rabbits — trapped 
muskrats — found hen's nests — laid up walnuts and shell barks ! 
Ay ! there had I fished with pin-hooks, and caught in a little, dark, 
modest brook, more roach and gudgeon than the fellow with his 
store-hook with a barbed point ! And then the sliding down hills 
of ice on our own home-made sleds ! — and upsetting ! — and 
rolling to the bottom ! Yes ! yes ! after all, those were the halcyon 
days! And so for a time how keen that morning the pangs of a 
desolate heart as I realized the immense solitudes around me ! 

We had been directed to cross the river at a new town, which, 
on reaching, was found to contain one log-house half finished, and 
one tent belonging to a Canadian Frenchman, and some Indians. 
And yet, before we left the New Purchase, this Sproutsburgh ' had 
become a village to be seen from a distance, and not many years 
after contained fourteen retail stores! — a specimen of our zvhole- 
sale growth in the West. But to me an object of great interest 
was a tall young Indian, dressed in a composite mode, i)artly bar- 
barian, partly civilized. His pantaloons were of blue cloth, and 
he wore a roundabout of the same; while his small feet were 

^ This city was probably La Fayette. 



352 FOURTH YEAR 

tastefully clad with sumptuously wrought moccasins, and his 
head encircled with a woollen or rain-beaver hat, banded with a 
broad tin belt, and garnished with a cockade ! He was seemingly 
about eighteen years old ; and by way of favour he consented 
to ferry us over the water. And now, reader, here hast thou 
a fair token that this work is true as — most history ; and not 
more extravagant than our puerile school histories for begin- 
ners : ^ I resist the temptation of having ourselves skiffed over 
in a bark canoe ! For, alas ! we crossed in an ugly scow ; and 
it moved by a pole! 

Yet was it nothing, as I held my horse, to look on that half 
reclaimed son of the forest, while he urged our rude flat-boat 
across the tumultuating waters of a river with an Indian name — 
Wabash ! and we on our way to an Indian battle field — Tippe- 
canoe ! 

On the far bank we galloped into one of many narrow traces 
along the river, and running through mazy thickets of under- 
growth ; and shortly, spite of our many directions and cautions, 
quite as bepuzzling as the paths themselves, we were lost ; having 
followed some deer or turkey trail till it miraculously disappeared, 
the animal being there used to jump off, or the bird to fly up! 
Then, and on like occasions, we put in towards the river, and 
when in sight or hearing of its waters, sometimes without and 
sometimes with a "blind path," we kept up stream the best we 
could. A blind path has that name because it tries the eyes and 
often requires spectacles to find it ; or because one is in constant 
jeopardy of having the eyes blinded or struck out by uncere- 
monious limbs, bushes, branches, and sprays. 

Recent high water had formed many extemporary lagoons, 
and quagmires, which forced us often away from the river bank, 
that we might get round these sullen and melancholy lakes ; al- 
though, after all our extra riding, we commonly appeared to have 
gone farther and fared worse and hence, at last, we crossed 
wherever the impediment first offered. Once a muddy ravine 
presented itself ; and as the difficulty seemed less than usual, 

- The present age is that of beginnings. Hence school-books are usu- 
ally all for beginners ; and it requires a wheel-barrow for a scholar now 
instead of a satchel. Things are also ended and finished but not con- 
tinued and done. 



FOURTH YEAR 353 

we began our crossing with little or no circumspection, — and yet 
it was, truly, a most dangerous morass ! Happily, we entered a 
few yards below the worst spot, and had creatures used to 
floundering through beds of treacherous and almost bottomless 
mire. 

I had small space to notice my comrades, for my noble and 
spirited animal, finding in an instant the want of a solid spot, by 
instinct exerted her entire strength in a succession of leaps so 
sudden and violent as soon to displace the rider from the saddle ; 
and when she gained terra firma, that rider was on her neck 
instead of back. A leap more would have freed her neck of the 
incumbrance, and our author would have either sunk or have 
done his own floundering. He stuck to the neck, not by skill, 
but for want of sufficient time to fall off! Having now oppor- 
tunity to look round, we saw one young gentleman wiping the 
mud from his eyes nose, ears and mouth — proof that all his 
senses had been open ; and the other we saw stand, indeed, but 
very much like a man that had dismounted hastily and not alto- 
gether purposely, — he was on all fours ! The three horses were 
sorely panting and trembling; while the bosom of the quagmire 
was regaining its placidity after the late unusual agitation, and 
in a few moments had become calm and deceitful as policy itself 
when for the people it has sacrificed its friends!^ 

>And yet, where we had crossed, the mire after all was not so 
very deep — it did not, we were told, average more than five feet ! 
But, two rods above and one below, the quaggery required a pole 
to touch its bottom some fifteen feet long! And this we ascer- 
tained by trial, and also from the squatter at whose cabin we 
halted a moment, just one mile below — the Field. 

Our windings, however, brought us to a sight mournful and 
solemn — a coffin in which rested an Indian babe! This rude 
coffin was supported in the crotch of a large tree, and secured 
from being displaced by the wind, being only a rough trough dug 
out with a tomahawk, and in which was deposited the little one, 
and having another similar trough bound down over the body 
with strips of papaw. 

Sad seemed the dreamless sleep of the poor innocent so separate 

3 A reference to his own displacement in the College to allay popular 
clamor, as alleged. 



354 



FOURTH YEAR 



from the graves of its fathers and the children of its people! 
Mournful the voice of leaves whispering over the dead in that 
sacred tree ! The rattling of naked branches there in the hoarse 
winds of winter! — how desolate! And yet if one after death 
could lie amid thick and spicy ever-green branches near the dear 
friends left — instead of being locked in the damp vault! or trod- 
den like clay in the deep, deep grave ! 

But would that be rebellion against the sentence "dust thou art, 
and unto dust shalt thou return?" — then let our bodies be laid in 
the silence and the dark tilll the morning and the life ! See I what 
woodland is that yonder? That advanced like the apex of a tri- 
angle; and yet as we now approach nearer and nearer, is rising 
up and has become an elevated plain ? That is Tippecanoe ! 

Yes I this is Tippecanoe, as it stood some twelve years after the 
battle ! * — Tippecanoe in its primitive and sacred wilderness I un- 
scathed by the axe, unshorn by the scythe, unmarked by roads, 
unfenced! We are standing and walking among the slain war- 
riors ! Can it be that I am he, who but yesterday was roused 
from sleep to aid in "setting up the declaration of war against 
Great Britain," to appear as an extra sheet and who, each 
subsequent week, thrilled as I "composed" in the "iron stick" 
accounts of battles by land and fights at sea? — in the days of 
Maxwell rollers and Ramage presses! — and hardy pressmen in 
paper aprons and cloth trousers! — long before the invasion of 
petticoats and check aprons ! 

Oh ! ye men and boys of ink and long primer ! how our spirits 
were stirred to phrensy and swelled with burnings and longings 
after fame! — while, like trumpeters calling to battle, we scattered 
forth our papers that woke up the souls of men ! Then I heard 
of Harrison and Tippecanoe ; and dreamed even by day of a 
majestic soldier seated on his charger, and his drawn sword 
flashing its lightnings, and his voice swelling over the din of bat- 
tle like the blast of the clarion! — and of painted warriors, like 
demons, rushing with the knife and tomahawk upon the white 
tents away, away off somewhere in the unknown wilds, — of 
"shout, and groan, and sabre-stroke, and death-shots falling thick 

■* This would indicate that Hall's visit to Tippecanoe was in 1823 or 
1824. The date of the battle was Nov. 7, 181 1. 



FOURTH YEAR 355 

gind fast as lightning from the mountain cloud!" — And do I stand, 
and without a dream look on — Tippecanoe? 

Even so! — for see, here mouldering are trunks of trees that 
formed the hasty rampart !— here the scars and seams in the 
trees torn by balls! — ay! here in this narrow circle are skele- 
tons of, let me count again, yes, of fourteen war-horses ! But 
where the riders? Here, under this beech — see, the record in the 
bark! — we stand on the earth over the dead — "rider and horse — 
friend — foe — in one red burial blent !" 

What is this? — the iron band of a musket! See! I have found 
a rusty bayonet ! Was it ever wet with blood ? Perhaps it be- 
longed to the brave soul about whom the squatter gave us the 
following anecdote: 

"A party of United States regulars were stationed there, and 
with strict orders for none to leave ranks. An Indian crawled 
behind this large log — it's pretty rotten now you see — and here 
loading and firing he killed four or five of us ; while we daresn't 
quit ranks and kill him. But one of our chaps said to the nearest 
officer — 'Leftenint ! for Heaven's sake — gimme leaf to kill that 
red devil ahind the log — I'll be in ranks agin in a minute!' 'My 
brave fellow' — said the officer, T daren't give you leave — I musn't 
see you go.' And with that he walked off akeepin his back to- 
wards us ; and, when he turned and got back, our soldier was 
in ranks ; but, gentlemen, his bagnit was bloody, and a deep 
groan from behind this here old log, told the officer that the 
bagnit had silenced the rifle and avenged the fall of our mess- 
mates and comrades." 

If the reader imagine a strip of woodland, triangular in form, 
its point or apex jutting a kind of promontory into the prairie 
whose long grass undulates like the waving of an inland sea; if 
on one side of this woody isle, he imagines a streamlet about 
fifteen feet below and stealing along through the grass ; and on the 
other side, here, a mile, and there, two miles across the prairie, 
other woodlands hiding in their darkness the Wabash ; and if he 
imagines that river, at intervals gleaming in the meadow, like il- 
luminated parts merely of the grass-lake, he may picture for 
himself something like Tippecanoe in the simplicity of "un- 
curled"'* nature, and before it was marred and desecrated by 
man's transformations ! 
•> Hemans. 



356 FOURTH YEAR 

The first intimation of the coming battle, as our squatter who 
was in it, said, was from the waving grass. A sentinel hid that 
night in the darkness of the wood, was gazing in a kind of 
dreamy watchfulness over the prairie, admiring, as many times 
before, the beauteous waving of its hazy bosom. But never had 
it seemed so strangely agitated ; — a narrow and strong current 
was setting rapidly towards his post ; and yet no violent wind to 
give the stream that direction! He became first, curious — soon, 
suspicious. Still nothing like danger appeared — no voice, — no 
sound of fotsteps, — no whisper ! Yet rapidly and steadily onward 
sets the current — its first ripples are breaking at his feet ! He 
awakes all his senses ; — ^but discovers nothing — he strains his 
eye over the top of the bending grass — and then, happy thought! 
he kneels on the earth and looks intently below that grass ! Then, 
indeed, he saw, not a wind moved current — but Indian warriors 
in a stooping posture and stealing noiseless towards his post — a 
fatal and treacherous under current in that waving grass ! 

The sentinel springing to his feet cried out, "Who comes 
there?" 

"Pottawatamie!" — the answer, as an Indian leaped with a yell 
from the grass, and almost in contact with the soldier — and then, 
fell back with a death scream as the ball of the sentinel's piece 
entered the warrior's heart, and gave thus the signal for combat ! 

Our men may have slumbered ; for it was time of treaty and 
truce — but it was in armour they lay, and with ready weapons 
in their hands ; and it was to this precaution of their general, we 
owed the speedy defeat of the Indians; although not before they 
had killed about seventy of our little army. No one can properly 
describe the horrors of that night attack — at least, I shall not at- 
tempt it. It required the coolness and deliberation, and at the 
same time, the almost reckless daring and chivalric behaviour of 
the commander and his noble officers and associates, to foil such 
a foe, and at such a time ; even with the loss of so many brave 
men of their small number. That the foe was defeated and 
driven off is proof enough to Western men — (if not to Eastern 
politicians who do battles on paper plains) — that all was anti- 
cipated and done by Harrison that was necessary. It would not 
become a work like this, which inexperienced folks may not 
think is quite as true as other histories, to meddle with the his- 



FOURTH YEAR 357 

tory of an honest President; but the writer knows, and on the 
best authority, that General Harrison did that night all that a 
wise, brave, and benevolent soldier ought to do or could do ; and 
among other things, that his person was exposed in the fiercest 
and bloodiest fights where balls repeatedly passed through his 
clothes and his cap.'' 

There was, however, one in the battle so generous, so chivalric, 
so kind, and yet so eccentric, that his life would make a volume 
of truth more exciting than fiction — the celebrated Joseph Hamil- 
ton Davies, familiarly and kindly called in the West, Joe Davics. 
A lawyer by profession, he was eminent in all pertaining to his 
science and art ; but pre-eminent in the adjustment of land 
claims. An anecdote about him on this point appeared in the 
newspapers some years since ; it deserves a more imperishable 
record in a work destined to be read and preserved in so many 
families — maybe ! 

A person, served with an ejectment, and fearing from the 
length of his adversary's purse, that he must be unjustly deprived 
of his lands, came from a great distance to solicit the aid of Davies. 
He succeeded in his application, and was dismissed with an as- 
surance that, in due season, the lawyer would appear for his 
client and prevent his being dispossessed. 

The arena of contest was, as has been intimated, distant ; and 
hence Davies was in person a stranger to the members of that 
court, or so imperfectly known that an uncanonical dress would 
be an effectual concealment. His client's case being duly 
called, matters by the opposite party were set in such a light that 
a verdict from the jury, and a decision from the bench, in favour 
of the plaintiff seemed inevitable; yet, for form's sake, the de- 
fendant must be heard. 

The poor client had relied so entirely on Davies, and had felt 
so sure of being secured in his possessions, as to have neglected to 

6 The author seems here to speak in defense of General Harrison against 
charges of carelessness, cowardice, or incompetency, — such as were brought 
forward by Harrison's political opponents in the famous campaign of 
1840. The charges proved to be a boomerang, since Harrison's career as 
an Indian fighter" on the frontier, while not equal to that of Jackson, had 
been a very worthy one and the nickname of "Tippecanoe" proved to be 
in his candidacy for the Presidency a powerful political asset. 



358 FOURTH YEAR 

obtain any other legal aid — and still, at this critical moment when 
he was to be summoned for his defence — Davies had not arrived ! 
Nay ! — while earnestly straining his eyes, the client was even 
rudely jostled by a rough chap in hunting shirt and leather 
breeches, who carrying a heavy rifle in his hand and with a 
racoon-skin cap slouched over his face, kept squeezing very im- 
pudently even among the laughing and good natured lawyers 
inside the bar; where, to everybody's diversion, he appropriated 
to himself a seat with the most simple and awkward naivete 
possible; but what diversion was all this to our client looking 
round in despair for his lawyer! Anr then when the judge asked 
who appeared for the defendant, what amazement must have 
mingled with the client's despair when at the call up rose that 
rude hunter and replied : 
"I do, please your honour!" 

"You!" — replied his honour — "who are you, sir?" 
"Joseph Hamilton Davies, please your honor!" 
And now, after that heavy rifle was slowly placed in a snug 
corner of the bar, and that skin cap was removed from the head, 
plain enough was it that the noble face, no longer concealed, 
was his ; the talented, the philanthropic, the eccentric Joe Davies. 
Never before had so much law been cased in a hunting shirt and 
buckskins; and never before nor since, was, or has been a diffi- 
cult cause in such a guise pleaded so triumphantly : for the entire 
superstructure of the opposite argument was completely sub- 
verted, and a verdict and decision, in proper time, rendered for 
the defendant, when to all appearance it had been virtually made, 
if not formally declared, for his antagonist. 

Alas ! noble heart 1 and here is thy very grave ! Yes, "J. H. D." 
is here in the bark — my finger is in the rude graving! — and now 
at the root of the tree I am seated making my notes! The last 
the squatter ever saw of Joe Davies alive, was when his grey 
horse was plunging in the furious charge down this hill — when 
the sentinel, already named, had fired and called "to arms !" And 
the next day our guide helped to lay Davies in this grave ; and 
saw his name transferred to the living monument here sheltering 
and fanning his sepulchre ! ^ 

^ ^ ^ -1^ Jji ^ 

^ Tippecanoe was won at a heavy cost. "Col. Owen was shot as he 



FOURTH YEAR 359 

We lingered at Tippecanoe till the latest possible moment!— 
there was, in the wildness of the battle-field — in my intimate ac- 
quaintance with some of its actors — in the living trees, scarred 
and hacked with bullet and hatchet, and marked with names of 
the dead — in the wind so sad and melancholy — something so like 
embodied trances, that I wandered the field all over, here stand- 
ing on a grave, there resting on a decaying bulwark ; now counting 
the scars of trees, now the skeleton heads of horses; finding in 
one spot a remfnant of some iron weapon, in another, the bones of 
a slain soldier dragged, perhaps, by wild beasts from his shal- 
low grave! — till my young comrades insisted on our return if we 
expected to reach our friend's house before the darkness of night. 

Having, accordingly, deposited in my valise a few relics and 
mementos, we rode down the hill into the prairie, at the spot poor 
Davies was seen descending and leading a charge; and over the 
very ground where the grassy current had betrayed the danger- 
ous under-tide of painted foes. Hence we crossed over to the 
town whence the Indians issued for the attack, ^ and where the 



rode with the commander toward the point of the first attack; Captain 
Spencer (of the "Yellow Jackets") his first and second lieutenants, and 
Captain Warrick, all fell in this first onslaught ; Joe Davies was killed in an 
attempt to raise the Indians by a cavalry charge ; Capt. W. G. Bean, Lieut. 
Richard McMahon, Thomas Berry, Thomas Randolph and Col. Isaac 
White also fell. Thirty-seven men lay dead in the field and twenty-five 
more died from their wounds within a short time. Otie hundred and 
twenty-six were wounded, including Colonels Bartholomew and Decker, 
and Lieutenants Peters and Godding. The numbers of the Indians en- 
gaged were never learned. Thirty-eight dead warriors were left on the 
field." Esarey's History of Indiana, Vol. I, p. 189. Of these Tippecanoe 
soldiers Owen, Spencer, Warrick, Daviess, Randolph, Bartholomew, White, 
and Harrison are memorialized by having counties in Indiana named for 
them. Jo Daviess, the eloquent Kentucky lawyer dedicated by an address 
and gave its name to Ft. Harrison, the rectangled fort of block houses 
near Terre Haute, as Harrisom's troops were marching up the Wabash 
valley from Vincennes to the scene of the battle. "Gen. John Tipton, w^ho 
was an ensign in one of the companies engaged in the battle, afterwards 
purchased the battle ground from the Government and gave it to the State 
for a park. It is now so held." Smith, Wm. H. History of Indiana, 
Vol. I, p. III. 

8 Prophetstown, near LaFayette. The Indian Prophet was a brother of 
Tecumseh. "Tradition has it that the Prophet called his. warriors to 
council, brought out the Magic Bowl, the Medean Fire, and the String of 



36o FOURTH YEAR 

wily prophet himself remained in safety, concocting charms 
against the white mjan's weapons! After this, we turned down 
the Wabash, keeping our eyes ever directed towards the mourn- 
ful island of wood till at last we doubled its cape, and lost sight 
of Tippecanoe for ever ! 

That field, however, and its hero of North Bend are immortal. 

BATTLE OF TIPPECANOE. 
Within the shelter of the primal wood, 

An isle amid the prairie's flow'ry sea, 
Upon his midnight watch, our sentry stood, 

Guarding the slumbers of the brave and free ; 
And o'er the swellings of a seeming tide. 

Dim sparkling in the moonlight's silv'ry haze, 
The soldier oft, distrusted, far and wide, 

Sent searching looks, or fixed his steadfast gaze. 

Long had he watch'd ; and still each grassy wave 

Brought nought save perfumes to the tented isle; 
Nor sign of foe the fragrant breezes gave; 

Till thoughts of cabin-home his sense beguile. 
Far from the wilds : for yet, though fix'd intent, 

As if his eyes discerned a coming host, 
Those moisten'd eyes are on his lov'd ones bent — 

He sleeps not; but he dreams upon his post. 

Soldier! what current like a hast'ning stream. 

Outstrips the flowing of yon lagging waves? 
Shake off the fetters of thy dream ! 

Quick ! save thy comrades from their bloody graves ! 
He starts ! — he marks the prairie's bosom shake ! 

He sees that current to the woodland near ! 
He kneels — upleaps and cries — "Comrades, awake ! 

To arms ! to arms ! — the treach'rous foe is here !" 



Sacred Beans. The touch of these talismans, he said, made the warrior 
invulnerable. After a trance and a vision he told them the time for the 
destruction of the white men had come; the Great Spirit was ready to 
lead them ; and he would protect the warrior from the bullet of the pale 
face. The war-song and the dance followed, till, in a fit of frenzy, the 
warriors seized their weapons and rushed out, a leaderless mob, to attack 
the Americans." Esarey, History of Indiana, Vol. I, p. i88. Tecumseh was 
not in the fight, but was in the South engaged in the task of organizing 
a strong Indian confederacy. It is said that upon his return to the North- 
west he reproved his brother for permitting an immature attack on 
General Harrison. 



FOURTH YEAR 361 

"Like mountain torrent, furious gushing, 
The warrior tribe is on us rushing, — 
With weapons in their red hands gleaming, 
And charmed banners from them streaming ! 
To arms ! to arms ! ye slumb'ring brave ! 
To arms ! — your lives and honor save !" 

Arm'd, from the earth, our host is springing; 
Their sabres forth from sheaths are ringing ; 
Their chargers mounted, fierce are prancing; 
Their serried bay'nets swift advancing: — 
"Quick, to your posts !" the general's cry. 
Answered, "We're there, to do or die !" 

Hand to hand, within that solemn wood. 
For life, fought warriors true and good! 
The hatchet through the brain went crushing! 
The bay'net brought the heart blood gushing! 
On arrows' feather'd wings death went. 
Or swift, at the rifle flash, was sent , 
Till victor shouts the air was rending. 
And groans the wounded forth were sending ! 
"Charge! soldiers, charge!" brave Davies shouted; 
They charg'd ; the yelling foe was routed :— 
Yet long before that foe was flying, 
That hero, on the plain, was dying! 

That prairie lake rolls peaceful waves no more; 

Its bosom rages 'neath a tempest pow'r— 
See ! driven midst it, from the woodland shore. 

Fierce bands rush vanquish'd from a deadly show'r ! 
And gleaming steel, and lead and iron hail 

Pour vengeful out of war's dark sky, 
'Mid shriek, and fright, and groan, and dying wail,^ 

And triumph's voice, "Charge home ! they fly " 

Solemn the pomp where mourning heroes tread 
With arms revers'd, and measur'd step, and slow ! 

Sadly, yet proud, is borne their comrade dead, 
Their warlike ensigns bound with badge of woe 1 

Sublime, though plaintive, pours the clarion's tone ! 
The heart, while bow'd, is stirred by muffled drum! 

But stand within that far-off wild wood lone. 
Where prairie scented winds, with drugs, come. 

Where the rough bark, rude grav'd with hunter's knife. 
Points to the spot where Davies rests below, 

And relics scatter'd, tell of bloodiest strife- 
Heart gushing tears from dimming eyes must flow ! 



362 FOURTH YEAR 

And round thy mournful bier, our warrier sage! 
Who rushing reckless to each fiercest fight, 

Didst fall a victim to no foeman's rage 
Amid the carnage of that fearful night, 

A nation, yet in tears, has smitten stood 
Grieving o'er thee with loud and bitter cry! 

Rest thee, our hero of that island wood ! 
Worthy in thine own ransom'd West to lie! 

When floating down Ohio's grand old wave, 
Our eyes shall turn to where his forests stand, 

Stretching dark branches o'er our chieftain's grave- 
Father and saviour of the Western's land! 



CHAPTER XLVn. 

"For now I stand as one upon a rock 
Environed with a wilderness of sea." 

Late at night we arrived safe at Dr. Charille's. The next 
day we set out for Woodville, choosing on the return other paths, 
to avoid former difficulties and dangers ; by which prudence, how- 
ever, we only reversed matters ; for instance, instead of water 
before a swamp, we got the swamp before the water. And, also, 
we thus often set out before day-light in the dark, instead of 
travelling in the dark after day-light — travelling occasionally to 
reach a settlement in the dark at both ends of the day. Besides 
our new route threw us away up Nut Creek, where, contrary to all 
expectation, it was found necessary either to swim below a mill- 
dam, or be canoed across above the dam. The latter was our 
choice ; and as it afforded a pleasant variety in the horse and log 
navigation, we shall give the adventure and then skip all the way 
to Woodville. 

The whole plain ^ of water to be crossed was about one hundred 
and twenty yards wide. But it consisted of three divisions, the 
Creek Proper, twenty yards wide and now eighteen feet deep ; 
and two lagoons, each full, on opposite sides of the creek, and 
averaging each fifty yards in width, although in most places, the 
banks being low, the lagoons could not be distinguished from the 
creek, but the three divisions seemed one water, lake, or sea. Our 
transit spot was a place, where, from the edge of the hither lagoon 

^ Aequor is classic and poetic authority. 



FOURTH YEAR 363 

could be discerned by a careful observer, a modest little grassy 
mound in the water, a kind of frog-island, which the miller said 
was the nearest bank of the creek; and that from this mound 
another on the opposite bank could be discovered, or nearly so. 
And nothing, he said, would be easier for us than first to ford over 
the lagoon to the nearest mound, where he would meet us in a 
canoe: that here we could strip our horses, and thence by turns 
every thing could be transported to the farther mound, whence, all 
matters re-arranged, we could ford the distant lagoon, and so come 
finally to the dry land on the opposite hill beyond the bottom. 

This certainly was plausible, if not captivating; especially 
should not the horses become entangled in the brush and vines, 
forming tolerable fish-nets under water, and should the lagoons 
be only four feet deep. They certainly looked, to judge from the 
surface water up the trunks of trees, somewhere about six feet 
deep; but then both the millerman and his son were "right down 
sartin, it wan't more nor four feet no place, nor it moughn't be 
that deep, except in them 'are blasted holes !'' 

Receiving ample direction for circumnavigating the holes afore- 
said, we took aim for the first isle-of-bank, and were soon so 
well in for it, that the difficulty and peril of going backward and 
forward were equal ; and therefore, we worked onward, tacking 
incessantly every way to avoid logs, trees, and vines, and in awe 
all the while of "them 'are holes," till we began to rise once more 
in the world, and stood sublime in the very middle of Frog-land ! 

Believe me, reader! it was not void of uneasiness, we thus sun- 
dered from the world, looked back on the woods just left, and 
standing partly in and partly out of the water ! while, at our feet, 
and separated by a strip of grass, swept along in the pride and 
fury of risen waters, the creek itself, curling amply over a few 
inches of the still visible dam, and shaking and tearing away with 
its yet rising tide our little territory ! And that canoe ! a tiny log 
shell, to transport us to the other lagoon, where four feet water, 
logs, trees, vines and holes must be encountered again! How 
like the realms of Pluto! and we, how like terrified ghosts await- 
ing a passage across the Styx in the rickety bark of Charon ! 

All ready, I attempted, bridle in hand, to step into the canoe, 



364 FOURTH YEAR 

but by some awkwardness, I stumbled into the far end, and thus 
so violently jerked the rein, that my creature soused in, and 
descended almost the length of the bridle ; but by the time she gave 
her first snortings, on regaining the air, our log was over, and the 
creature (i. e. equa) was pawing up the isle-of-bank number 2. 
Here we remained till Mr, Frank and his horse arrived, and a 
third trip had brought our saddles and baggage; and then, duly 
prepared, we forded lagoon the second, and in proper season 
gained our wished for hill, and 

"What stuff!" 

"What stuff?" gentle reader, what better, could you do with 
a mud and water subject?" 

"Yes — but what's the use of such things?" 

La! that's so like what Aunt Kitty said, when I got to Wood- 
ville, all dirty and tired — my new boots thick with exterior mud 
— my best coat altogether spoiled — my fur hat crushed into fancy 
shapes, and the seat of my corduroy inexpressibles abraded to the 
finest degree of tenuosity at all consistent with comfort and 
decorum ! 



CHAPTER XLVni. 

"And it came to pass at noon, that Elijah mocked them."- 

Vide an Ancient Record. 

" Let me see wherein 

iMy tongue hath wrong'd him : if it do him right, 
Then he hath wrong'd himself : — if he be free, 
Why then, my taxing, like a wild goose flies, 
Unclaimed of any man." 

On the last day of the return to Woodville, we met at inter- 
vals during the final half-dozen miles, not less than one dozen 
wagons, large and small, and partially loaded, some with beds and 
bedding, and some with culinary utensils ; the interstices being filled 
with a wedging of human bodies — men, women, and children, 
some laughing and talking, others solemn and demure. 

They seemed at first view settlers, who, having sold to advan- 
tage old farms, were flitting to where wood and game were more 
abundant, and neighbours not crowded offensively under other's 



FOURTH YEAR 365 

noses, as near as one or two miles. But soon appeared people 
riding once, twice, and even thrice on a horse; and some kind- 
hearted horses, like the nameless one, were carrying on their backs 
whole families ; and themit was plain enough what was meant — a 
big meeting was to come off somewhere. And shortly all doubt 
was at an end, when familiar soprano and alto voices from under 
wagon covers, and out of scoop-shovelled bonnets came forth thus 
— "How'd do! Mr. Carlton — come, won't you go to camp 
meetin?" And then sounded, from extra devotional parties and 
individuals, snatches of favourite religious songs, fixed to trumpet 
melodies, such as "Glory ! glory, glory !" — "He's a coming, coming, 
coming!" — "Come, let us march on, march on, march on!" and 
the like ; and the saintly voices were ever and anon oddly com- 
mingled with some very unsanctimonious laughing, not intended 
for irreverence, but not properly suppressed at some illtimed joke 
in another quarter, related perhaps, yet more probably practiced. 
For nothing excels the fun and frolic, where two or three dozen 
half-tamed young gentlemen and ladies, mounted on spirited and 
mischievous horses set out together to attend a Mormon, a Shak- 
ing-quaker, or a Millery or a Camp-meeting. 

At the very edge of Woodville, too, there met us a comfortable 
looking middle-aged woman, who was riding a horse, and was 
without any bonnet ; her other apparel being in some disorder, 
and her hair illy done up and barely restrained by a horn comb. 
She thus addressed me : — 

"I say. Mister, you haint seen nara bonnit?" 
"Bonnet! — no, ma'am; have you lost your bonnet?" 
"Yes — I've jist had a powerful exercise over thare in the Court- 
house; and when I kim to, I couldn't see my bonnit no whare 

about " 

"Has there been meeting in the Court-house lately ?" 

"Oh ! Lord bless you, most powerful time — and it's there I've 

jist got religion " 

"And lost your bonnet?" 

"Yes, sir, — ^but some said as it maybe mought a-gone on to 
camp with somebody's plunder : you didn't see or hear tell on it, 
did you?" 

"No, I did not ; but had you really no power over your bonnet, 
ma'am?" 



366 FOURTH YEAR 

"Well ! now ! — who ever heern of a body in a exercise a thinkin 
on a bonnit! Come, mister, you'd better turn round and go to 
camp and git religion yourself, I allow — thar's whar all the town 
a'most and all the settlemints round is agoin — but I'll have to 
whip up and look after my bonnit — good bye, mister!" 

And so all Woodville and its vicinities were in the ferment of 
departure for a camp-meeting! Now as this was to be a big 
meeting of the biggest size, and all the crack preachers within a 
circle of three hundred miles were to be present, and also a 
celebrated African exhorter from Kentucky ; and as much was 
said about "these heaven-directed, and heaven-blessed, and heaven- 
approved campings ;" and as I, by a constant refusal to attend 
heretofore, had become a suspected character, it being often said, 
— "yes, — Carlton's a honest sort of man, but why don't he go out 
to camp and git religion ?" — I determined now to go. 

Why whole families should once or twice a year break up for 
two weeks ; desert domestic altars ; shut up regular churches ; and 
take away children from school ; why cook lots of food at extra 
trouble and with ill-bestowed expense ; why rush to the woods and 
live in tents, with peril to health and very often ultimately with 
loss of life to feeble persons; why folks should do these and 
other things under a belief that the Christian God is a God of the 
woods and not of the towns, of the tents and not of the churches, 
of the same people in a large and disorderly crowd and not in one 
hundred separate and orderly congregations — why ? why ? I had in 
my simplicity repeatedly asked, and received for answer: 

"Oh ! come and see ! Only come to camp and git your cold heart 
warmed — come git religion — let it out with a shout — and you'll 
not axe them infidel sort of questions no more." 

This was conclusive. And like the vicar of Wakefield, I re- 
solved not always to be wise, but for once to float with a tide 
neither to be stemmed nor directed. A friend, learned in these 
spiritual afifairs, advised me not to go till Saturday night, or so 
as to be on the ground by daylight on Sunday. This I did, and was 
handsomely rewarded by seeing and hearing some very extraordi- 
nary conversions — as far as they went ; and also some wonderful 
scenes and outcries. 

The camp was an old and favourite ground, eight miles from 



FOURTH YEAR 367 

Woodville. It had been the theatre of many a spirit-stirring 
drama; and there, too, many a harvest of glory had been reaped 
in batthng with "the devil and his legions." Yet wronderf ul ! his 
Satanic majesty never became shy of a spot where he was said 
always to have the worst of the fight ! and now it was commonly 
said and believed that a prodigious great contest was to come off ; 
and hell-defying challenges had been given in some Woodville 
pulpits for Satan to come out and do his prettiest. Nay, by cer- 
tain prophets that seemed to have the gift of discerning spirits, it 
was "allowed the ole boy was now out at camp - in great force — 
that some powerful fights would be seen, but that the ole fellow 
would agin and agin git the worst of it." 

The camp proper was a parallelogramic clearing, and was most 
of the day shaded by the superb forest trees, which admitted, 
here and there, a little mellow sunshine to gleam through the 
dense foliage upon their own dark forms quivering in a kind of 
living shadow over the earth. At night, the camp was illuminated 
by lines of fires kindled and duly sustained on the tops of many 
altars and columns of stone and log-masonry — a truly noble and 
grand idea, peculiar to the West. Indeed, to the imaginative, 
there is very much to bewitch in the poetry and romance of a 
Western camp-meeting: — the wildness, the gloom, the grandeur of 
our forests — the gleaming sunlight by day, as if good spirits were 
smiling on the sons of light in their victories over the children 
of darkness — ^the clear blue sky like a dome over the tents — that 
dome, at night, radiant with golden stars, like glories of heaven 
streaming through the apertures of the concave ! And the moon ! 
— how like a spirit world, a residence of ransomed ones ! The 
very tents, too! — formed like booths at the feast of tabernacles, 
and seeming to be full of joyous hearts — a community having all 
things common, dead to the world, just ready to enter heaven! 
And when the trumpet sounded for singing! — the enthusiastic 
performance of child-like tunes, poured from the hearts of two 
thousand raptured devotees, till the bosom of the wilderness 
trembles and rejoices while it rolls over its wooded hills and 

- Candour obliges me to say these "allowings" and predictions were 
true — the devil did seem to be out there in pretty great force. I cannot 
say so positively about his defeats. 



368 FOURTH YEAR 

through its dark valleys the echo of the paean witih the peal of 
deep thunder and the roar of rushing whirlwinds ! 

Under the direction of wise and talented men, a campmeeting 
may possibly be a means of a little permanent good ; but, with the 
best management, it is a doubtful means of much moral and 
spiritual good — nay, it cannot long be used in a cautious and sober 
way. In religion, as in all other affairs, where the main depen- 
dence is on expedients to reach the moral man through the fancy 
and imagination, what begins in poetry must soon end in prose. 
Nay, if a religious meeting be protracted beyond one or two days, 
novelties must be introduced ; and such are invariably exciting and 
entertaining, but never spiritual and instructive ; if not introduced, 
the meeting becomes, in the opinion of the majority, stale. Heat, 
and flame, and smoke, constitute, with most, "a good meeting." 
Nay again, and yea also, the final result of man-contrived means 
and measures is at war with true courtesy, uncensorious feelings, 
the cheerful discharge of daily secular duties, and the culture of 
the intellect. The whole is selfish in tendency and promotive of 
presumptuous confidence, and a contemptible self-righteousness. 
Adequate reasons enough may be assigned for the popularity of 
camp-meetings, and none of them essentially religious or even 
praise-worthy ; although many essentially worthy and religious 
persons both advocate and attend such places ; for instance, the 
love of variety and novelty — the desire of excitements — roman- 
tic feelings — tedium of common every-day life — love of good fel- 
lowship — and even a willingness to obtain a cheap religious char- 
acter — and, also, a secret hope that we please God and merit 
heaven for so extraordinary and long-continued devotion. Add, 
our innate love of pageantry, inclining us not only to behold scenes 
but to make and be a part of scenes ; for even in this sense — "All 
the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players." 

A camp-meeting might, indeed, be reformed ; and so might the 
theatre — but the one event is no more probable than the other: 
and as a reformed theatre would be little visited, so we apprehend 
would be a reformed camp-meeting. The respective abuses of 
both are essential to their existence. But this is digressing. 

The tents were in a measure permanent fixtures, the uprights and 
cross pieces remaining from season to season; but now all were 



FOURTH YEAR 369 

garnished with fresh and green branches and coverings. These 
tents formed the sides of the parallelogram, intervals being left 
in suitable places for alleys and scaffolds; while in the woods 
were other more soldierly-looking tents of linen or canvass, and 
pitched in true war style; although not a few tents were mere 
squares of sheets, coverlets and table-cloths. Also for tents were 
up propped some twenty or thirty carts and wagons, and fur- 
nished with a chair or two, and some sort of sleeping apparatus. 
In the rear of the regular tents, and, indeed, of many others, 
were places and fixtures for kindling a fire and boiling water for 
coffee, tea, chocolate, &c. &c. — a few culinary operations being yet 
needed beyond the mountains of food brought from home ready 
for demolition. 

Indeed, a camp-meeting out there is the most mammoth picnic- 
possible; and it is one's own fault, saint or sinner, if he gets not 
enough to eat, and that the best the land affords. It would be 
impossible even for churlish persons to be stingy in the open air ; 
the ample sky above and the boundless woods around ; the wings 
of gay birds flashing in sunshine, and the squirrels racing up 
gigantic trunks and barking and squeaking amid the grand 
branches ; and what then must be the effect of all on the proverb- 
ially open-hearted native born Westerns ? Ay ! the native Corn- 
Cracker, Hoosier, Buckeye and all men and women "born in a 
cane-brake and rocked in a sugar trough," — all born to follow 
a trail and cock an old fashioned lock-rifle, — all such are open- 
hearted, fearless, generous, chivalric, even in spite of much filth 
and scum and base leaven from foreign places. And hence, al- 
though no decided friend to camp-meetings, spiritually and mor- 
ally and theologically considered, we do say that at a Western 
camp-meeting as at a barbecue, the very heart and soul of hos- 
pitality and kindness is wide open and poured freely forth. We 
can, maybe, equal it in here ; but we never try.^ 

Proceed we now to things spiritual. And first, we give notice 
that attention will be paid only to grand matters and that very 
many episodial things are omitted, such as incidental exhortations 

3 If folks like the "New Purchase," we shall write "The Old Purchase" 
— in which work things in here will receive justice. 



370 FOURTH YEAR 

and prayers from authorized, as well as unauthorized folks, male 
and female, whose spirits often suddenly stirred, and not to be 
controlled like those of old-fashioned prophets, forced our friends 
to speak out, like quaker ladies and gentlemen in reformed meet- 
ings, and even when they have nothing to say; and also will be 
omitted all irregular outcries, groans, shouts, and bodily exercises, 
subordinate, indeed, to grand chorusses and contests, but other- 
wise beginning without adequate cause and ending in nothing. 

The camp was furnished with several stands for preaching, 
exhorting, jumping and jerking; but still one place was the pulpit 
above all others. This was a large scaflfold secured between two 
noble sugar trees, and railed in to prevent from falling over in a 
swoon, or springing over in an ecstasy ; its cover the dense foliage 
of the trees whose trunks formed the graceful and massive col- 
'umns. Here was said to be also the altar — ^but I could not see its 
horns or any sacrifice; and the pen, which I did see — a place full 
of clean straw, where were put into fold stray sheep willing to 
return. It was at this pulpit, with its altar and pen, the regular 
preaching was done ; around here the congregation assembled ; 
hence orders were issued; here, happened the hardest fights and 
were gained the greatest victories, being the spot where it was 
understood Satan fought in person ; and here could be seen ges- 
tures the most frantic, and heard noises the most unimaginable, 
and often the most appalling. It was the place, in short, where 
most crowded either with praiseworthy intentions of getting 
some religion, or with unholy purposes of being amused; we of 
course designing neither one nor the other, but only to see philo- 
sophically and make up an opinion. At every grand outcry a 
simultaneous rush would, however, take place from all parts of the 
camp, proper and improper, towards the pulpit, altar, and pen; 
till the crowding, by increasing the suffocation and the fainting, 
would increase the tumult and the uproar ; but this in the estima- 
tion of many devotees only rendered the meeting more lively and 
interesting. 

By considering what was done at this central station one may 
approximate the amount of spiritual labour done in a day, and 
then a week in the whole camp: 

I. About day-break on Sabbath a horn blasted us up for 



FOURTH YEAR 371 

public prayer and exhortation — the exercises continuing nearly 
two hours. 

2. Before breakfast, another blast for family and private 
prayer ; and then every tent became, in camp language, "a bethel 
of struggling Jacobs and prevailing Israels ;" every tree "an 
altar;" and every grove "a secret closet;" till the air all became re- 
ligious words and phrases, and vocal with "Amens." 

3. After a proper interval came a horn for the forenoon service ; 
then was delivered the sermon, and that followed by an appendix 
of some half dozen exhortations let off right and left, and even 
behind the pulpit, that all might have a portion in due season. 

4. We had private and secret prayer again before dinner; — 
some clambering into thick trees to be hid, but forgetting in their 
simplicity, that they were heard and betrayed. But religious de- 
votion * excuses all errors and mistakes. 

5. The afternoon sermon with its bob-tail string of exhortations. 

6. Private and family prayer about tea time. 

7. But lastly, we had what was termed "a precious season" in 
the third regular service at the principia of the camp. This season 
began not long after tea and was kept up long after I left the 
ground; which was about midnight. And now sermon after ser- 
mon and exhortation after exhortation followed like shallow, 
foaming, roaring waters ; till the speakers were exhausted and the 
assembly became an uneasy and billowy mass, now hushing to a 
sobbing quiescence, and now rousing by the groans of sinners and 
the triumphant cries of folks that had "jist got religion ;" and then, 
again subsiding to a buzzy state occasioned by the whimpering 
and whining voices of persons giving spiritual advice and com- 
fort ! How like a volcanic crater after the evomition of its lava 
in a fit of burning cholic, and striving to re-settle its angry and 
tumultuating stomach ! 

It is time, however, to speak of the three grand services and 
their concomitants, and to introduce several master spirits of the 
camp. 

Our first character, is the Reverend Elder Sprightly. This 

* A man may make a fool of himself in worship in a Christian land, 
and be deemed a saint ; when he does so in Pagan worship, we call him 
a sinner. Six of one and so forth. 



372 FOURTH YEAR 

gentleman was of good natural parts; and in a better school of 
intellectual discipline and more fortunate circumstances, he must 
have become a worthy minister of some more tasteful, literary, 
and evangelical sect. As it was, he had only become, what he 
never got beyond — "a very smart man ;" and his aim had become 
one — to enlarge his own people. And in this work, so great was 
his success, that, to use his own modest boastfulness in his ser- 
mon today, — "although folks said when he came to the Purchase 
that a single corn-crib would hold his people, yet, bless the Lord, 
they had kept spreading and spreading till all the corn-cribs in 
Egypt wern't big enough to hold them !" 

He was very happy at repartee, as Robert Dale Owen well 
knows; and not "slow" (inexpert) in the arts of "taking off" — 
and — "giving them their own." This trait we shall illustrate by an 
instance. 

Mr. Sprightly was, by accident, once present where a Camp- 
bellite Baptist, that had recently taken out a right for administer- 
ing six doses of lobelia, red pepper and steam, to men's bodies, 
and a plunge into cold water for the good of their souls, was 
holding forth against all Doctors, secular and sacred, and very 
fiercely against Sprightly's brotherhood. Doctor Lobelia's text 
was found somewhere in Pope Campbell's New Testament; as it? 
suited the following discourse introduced with the usual inspired 
preface : — 

Doctor Lobelia's Sermon. 

"Well, I never rub'd my back agin a collige, nor git no sheep- 
skin, and allow the Apostuls didn't nithur. Did anybody ever 
hear of Peter and Poll a-goin to them new-fangled places and 
gitten skins to preach by? No, sirs, I allow not; no sirs, we don't 
pretend to loguk — this here neiv testament's sheepskin enough for 
me. And don't Prisbeteruns and tother baby sprinklurs have 
reskorse to loguk and skins to show how them what's emerz'd 
go down into the water and come up agin ? And as to Sprightly's 
preachurs, don't they dress like big-bugs, and go ridin about the 
Purchis on hunder-dollar hossis, a-spunginin on poor priest-riden 
folks and and a-eaten fried chicken fixins so powerful fast that 
chickens has got skerse in these diggins; and them what ain't 
fried makes tracks and hides when they sees them a-comin? 



FOURTH YEAR 373 

"But, dear Bruthrun, we don't want store cloth and yaller but- 
tins, and fat bosses and chickin fixins, and the like doins — no, sirs ! 
we only wants your souls — we only wants beleevur's baptism — 
we wants prim — prim — yes, Apostul's Christianity, the Christianity 
of Christ and them times, when Christians zvas Christians, and 
tuk up thare cross and went down into the water, and was buried 
in the gineine sort of baptism by emerzhin. That's all we wants; 
and I hope all's convinced that's the true way — and so let all come 
right out from among them and git beleevur's baptism ; and so 
now if any brother wants to say a word I'm done, and I'll make 
way for him to preach." 

Anticipating this common invitation, our friend Sprightly, in- 
dignant at this unprovoked attack of Doctor Lobelia, had, in order 
to disguise himself, exchanged his clerical garb for a friend's blue 
coatee bedizzened with metal buttons ; anl also had erected a very 
tasteful and sharp coxcomb on his head, out of hair usually re- 
posing sleek and quiet in the most saint-like decorum ; and then, 
at the bid from the pulpit-stump, out stepped Mr. Sprightly from 
the opposite spice-wood grove, and advanced with a step so 
smirky and dandyish as to create universal amazement and whis- 
pered demands — "Why! who's that?!" And some of his very 
people, who were present, as they told me, did not know their 
preacher till his clear, sharp voice, came upon the hearing, when 
they showed, by the sudden lifting of hands and eyebrows, how 
near they were to exclaiming — "Well ! I never ! !" 

Stepping on to the consecrated stump, our friend, without either 
preliminary hymn or prayer, commenced thus : — 

"My friends, I only intend to say a few words in answer to the 
pious brother that's just sat down, and shall not detain you but a 
few minutes. The pious brother took a good deal of time to tell 
what we soon found out ourselves — that he never went to college, 
and don't understand logic. He boasts too of having no sheep- 
skin to preach by ; but I allow any sensible buck-sheep would have 
died powerful sorry, if he'd ever thought his hide would come 
to be handled by some preachers. The skin of the knowingest old 
buck couldn't do some folks any good- -some things salt won't 
save. 

"I rather allow Johnny Calvin's boys and ' 'tother baby sprink- 



374 FOURTH YEAR 

lers,' ain't likely to have they idees physicked out of them by 
steam logic, and doses of No. 6. They can't be steamed up so 
high as to want cooling by a cold water plunge. But I want to 
say a word about Sprightly's preachers, because I have some slight 
acquaintance with that there gentleman, and don't choose to have 
them all run down for nothing. 

"The pious brother brings several grave charges ; first they ride 
good horses. Now don't every man, woman, and child in the 
Purchase know that Sprightly and his preachers have hardly any 
home, and that they live on horseback? The money most folks 
spend in land, these men spend for a good horse ; and don't they 
need a good horse to stand mud and swim floods ? And is it any 
sin for a horse to be kept fat that does so much work? The book 
says 'a merciful man is merciful to his beast,' and that we mustn't 
'muzzle the ox that treadeth out the corn.' Step round that fence 
corner, and take a peep, dear friends, at a horse hung on the 
stake ; what's he like ? A wooden frame with a dry hide stretch'd 
over it. What's he live on? Ah! that's the pint? Well, what's 
them buzzards after? — look at them sailing up there. Now who 
owns that live carrion? — the pious brother that's preached to us 
just now. And I want to know if it wouldn't be better for him to 
give that dumb brute something to cover his bones, before he talks 
against 'hunder dollur hossis' and the like ? 

"The next charge is, wearing good clothes. Friends, don't all 
folks when they come to meeting put on their best clothes? and 
wouldn't it be wrong if preachers came in old torn coats and dirty 
shirts? It wouldn't do no how. Well, Sprightly and his preachers 
preach near about every day ; and oughtn't they always to look 
decent! Take then a peep of the pious brother that makes this 
charge; his coat is out at elbow, and has only three or four but- 
tons left, and his arm, where he wipes his nose and mouth, is 
shiney as a looking glass — his trousers are crawling up to show 
he's got no stockings on ; and his face has got a crop of beard 
two weeks old and couldn't be cleaned by 'baby sprinklin ;' yes, 
look at them there matters, and say if Sprightly's preachers ain't 
more like the apostles in decency than the pious brother is. 

"A word now about chicken-fixins and doins. And I say it 
would be a charit^ to give the pious brother sich a feed now 



FOURTH YEAR 375 

and then, for he looks half-starved, and savage as a meat-axe ; and 
I advise that old hen out thare clucking up her brood not to come 
this way just now, if she don't want all to disappear. But I say 
that Sprightly's preachers are so much beliked in the Purchase, 
that folks are always glad to see them, and make a pint of giving 
them the best out of love; and that's more than can be said for 
some folks here. 

"The pious brother says, he only wants our souls — then what 
makes him peddle about Thomsonian physic ? Why don't he and 
Campbell make steam and No. 6 as free as preaching? I read 
of a quack doctor once, who used to' give his advice free gratis 
for nothing to any one what would buy a box of his pills — but as 
I see the pious brother is crawling round the fence to his anatomi- 
cal horse and physical saddle bags, I have nothing more to say, 
and so, dear friends, I bid you all good-bye." 

Such was Rev. Elder Sprightly, who preached to us on Sabbath 
morning at the Camp. Hence, it is not remarkable that in com- 
mon with many worthy persons, he should think his talents 
properly employed in using up "Johnny Calvin and his boys ;" 
especially as no subject is better for popularity at a camp-meeting. 
He gave us, accordingly, first, that affecting story of Calvin and 
Servetus, in which the latter figured to-day like a Christian Con- 
fessor and martyr, and the former as a diabolical persecuter; 
many moving incidents being introduced not found in history, 
and many ingenious inferences and suppositions tending to blacken 
the Reformer's character. Judging from the frequency of the 
deep groans, loud amens, and noisy hallelujahs of the congrega- 
tion during the narrative, had Calvin suddenly thrust in among us 
his hatchet face and goat's beard, he would have been hissed and 
pelted, nay possibly, been lynched and soused in the Branch ; while 
the excellent Servetus would have been toted on our shoulders, 
and feasted in the tents on fried ham, cold chicken fixins and 
horse sorrel pies ! 

Here is a specimen of Mr. S.'s mode of exciting triumphant ex- 
clamation, amens, groans, &c., against Calvin and his followers : — 

"Dear sisters, don't you love the tender little 

darling babes that hang on your parental bosoms? (amen!) — 
Yes! I know you do — (amen! amen!) — Yes I know, I know it — 



376 FOURTH YEAR 

(Amen, amen! hallelujah!) Now don't it make your parental 
hearts throb with anguish to think those dear infantile darlings 
might some day be out burning brush and fall into the flames and 
be burned to death ! (deep groans.) — Yes, it does, it does! But 
oh ! sisters, oh ! mothers ! how can you think your babes mightn't 
get religion and die and be burned for ever and ever? (the Lord 
forbid — amen — groans.) But, oho! only think — only think oh! 
would you ever a had them darling infantile sucklings born, if 
you had a known they were to be burned in a brush heap! (No, 
no! — groans — shrieks) What I what! what! if you had foreknown 
they must have gone to hell! — (hoho! hoho! — amen!) And does 
any body think He ^ is such a tryrant as to make spotless, innocent 
babies just to damn them? (No! in a voice of thunder.) — No! 
sisters! no! no! mothers! No! no! 710 ! sinners no!! — he ain't 
such a tyrant! let John Calvin burn, torture and roast, but He 
never foreordained babies, as Calvin says, to damnation ! (dam- 
nation — echoed by hundreds.) — Hallelujah! 'tis a free salvation! 
Glory! a free salvation! — (Here Mr. S. battered the rail of the 
pulpit with his fists, and kicked the bottom with his feet — ^many 
screamed — some cried amen ! — others groaned and hissed — and 
more than a dozen females of two opposite colours arose and 
clapped their hands as if engaged in starching, &c. &c.) No ho! 
'tis a free, a free, a free salvation ! — away with Calvin ! 'tis for 
all; all! all. Yes! shout it out! clap on! rejoice! rejoice! oho- 
oho! sinners, sinners, sinners, oh-ho-oho!" &c. &c. 

Here was maintained for some minutes the most edifying up- 
roar of shouting, bellowing, crying, clapping and stamping, 
mingled with hysterical laughing, termed out there "holy laugh- 
ing," and even dancing! and barking! called also "holy!" — till, at 
the partial subsidence of the bedlam, the orator resumed his 
eloquence. 

It is singular Mr. S. overlooked an objection to the divine 
Providence arising from his own illustration. That children do 
sometimes perish by being burnt and drowned, is undeniable; 
yet is not their existence prevented — and that in the very case 
where the sisters were induced to say they would have prevented 

^ We substitute words in place of the divine names — irreverently used 
often in sermons and prayers. 



FOURTH YEAR 377 

their existence! But, in justice to Mr. S., we must say that he 
seemed to have anticipated the objection, and to have furnished 
the reply ; for, said he, in one part of his discourse, "God did not 
wish to foreknow some things !" 

But our friend's mode of avoiding a predestined death — if 
such an absurdity be supposed — deserves all praise for the facility 
and simplicity of the contrivance. "Let us," said he, "for argu- 
ment's sake, grant that I, the Rev. Elder Sprightly, am foreor- 
dained to be drowned, in the River, at Smith's Ferry, next Thurs- 
day morning, at twenty-two minutes after ten o'clock ; and sup- 
pose I know it; and suppose I am a free, moral, voluntary, ac- 
countable agent, as Calvinists say — do you think Fm going to be 
drowned ? No ! — I would stay at home all day ; and you'll never 
ketch the Rev. Elder Sprightly at Smith's Ferry — nor near the 
river neither!" 

Reader, is it any wonder Calvinism is on the decline ? Logic it 
can stand ; but human nature thus excited in opposition, it can- 
not stand. Hence, throughout our vast assembly to-day, this un- 
popular ism, in spite of Calvin and the Epistle to the Romans, was 
put down ; if not by acclamation, yet by exclamation, — ^by shout- 
ing, — by roaring, — by groaning and hissing, — by clapping and 
stamping, — by laughing, and crying, and whining; and thus the 
end of the sermon was gained and the preacher glorified! 

The introductory discourse in the afternoon was by the Rev. 
Remarkable Novus. This was a gentleman I had often the 
pleasure of entertaining at my house in Woodville ; and he was a 
Christian in sentiment and feeling: for though properly and de- 
cidedly a warm friend to his own sect, he was charitably disposed 
towards myself and others that differed from him ecclesiastically. 
His talents were moderate; but his voice was transcendentally ex- 
cellent. It was rich, deep, mellow, liquid and sonorous, and capa- 
ble of any inflections. It could preserve its melody in an un- 
ruffled flow, at a pitch far beyond the highest point reached by the 
best cultivated voices. His fancy, naturally capricious, was in- 
dulged without restraint ; yet not being a learned or well-read man, 
he mistook words for ideas, and hence employed without stint all 
the terms in his vocabulary for the commonest thoughts. He 
believed, too, like most of his brotherhood, that excitement and 



378 FOURTH YEAR 

agitation were necessary to conversion and of the essence of re- 
ligion; and this, with a proneness to dehght in the music and 
witchery of his own wonderful voice, made Mr. Novus an eccen- 
tric preacher, and induced him often to excel at camp-meetings, 
the very extravagances of his clerical brethren, whom more than 
once he has ridiculed and condemned at my fireside. 

The camp-meeting was, in fact, too great a temptation for my 
friend's temperament, and the very theatre for the full display 
of his magniiicant voice; and naturally, this afternoon, off he set 
at a tangent, interrupting the current of his sermon by extempor- 
aneous bursts of warning, entreaty, and exhortation. Here is 
something like his discourse — yet done by me in a subdued tone — 
as, I repeat, are most extravaganzas of the ecclesiastical and 
spiritual sort not only here, but in all other parts of the work. 

"My text, dear hearers," said he, "on this auspicious, and 
solemn, and heaven-ordered occasion, is that exhortation of the 
inspired apostle 'Walk worthy of your vocation.' " 

"And what, my dear brethren, what do you imagine and con- 
jecture our holy penman meant by 'walking?' Think ye he meant 
a physical walking, and a moving, and a going backward and for- 
ward thus? — (represented by Mr. N.'s proceeding, or rather 
marching, a Id militaire, several times from end to end of the 
staging.) — No! sirs ! — it was not a literal walking and locomotion, 
a moving and agitating of the natural legs and limbs. No ! sirs ! — 
no ! — ^but it was a moral, a spiritual, a religious, ay ! yes ! a philo- 
sophical and metaphorically figurative walking, our holy apostle 
meant ! 

"Philosophic, did I say? Yes: philosophic did I say. For re- 
ligion is the most philosophical thing in the universe — ay! 
throughout the whole expansive infinitude of the divine empire. 
Tell me, deluded infidels and mistaken unbelievers ! tell me, ain't 
philosophy what's according to the consistency of Nature's 
regular laws? and what's more consentaneous and homogeneous 
to man's sublimated moral nature than religion ? Yes, ! tell me I 
Yes ! yes ! / am for a philosophical religion, and a philosophical 
religion is for me — ay! we are mutually made and formed for this 
beautiful reciprocality ! 

"And yet some say we make too much noise — even some of our 



FOURTH YEAR 379 

respected Woodville merchants — (meaning the author.) — But 
what's worth making a noise about in the dark mundane of our 
terrestrial sphere, if reHgion ain't? People always, and every- 
where in all places, make most noise about what they opine to be 
most precious. See ! yon banner streaming with golden stars and 
glorious stripes over congregated troops on the fourth of July, 
that ever-memorable — that never-to-be-Zor^fo^^^w day, which cele- 
brates the grand annual anniversary of our nation's liberty and 
independence ! when our forefathers and ancestors burst asunder 
and tore forever off the iron chains of political thraldom! and 
arose in plentitude, ay! in the magnificence of their grandeur, and 
.crushed their oppressors! — yes! and hurled down dark despotism 
from the lofty pinnacle of its summit altitude, where she was 
seated on her liberty-crushing throne, and hurled her out of her 
iron chariot as her wheels thundered over the prostrate slaves 
of power! — (Amen! — hallelujah!) — Yes! — hark! — we make a 
noise about that ! But what's civil liberty to religious liberty, and 
emancipated disenthraldorn from the dark despotism of yonder 
terrific prince of darkness ! whose broad, black, piniony wings 
spread wide o'er the aerial concave, like a dense cloud upon a 
murky sky? — (A-a-men!) — And ain't it, ye men of yards and 
measures, philosophical to make a noise about this? — (Amen! — 
yes!) — Yes! yes! and I ain't ashamed to rejoice and shout aloud. 
Ay ! as long as the prophet was ordered to stamp with his foot, I 
will stamp with my foot; — (here he stamped till the platform 
trembled for its safely,) — and to smite with his hand, I will smite 
with my hand — (slapping alternate hands on alternate thighs.) — 
Yes ! and I will shout too ! — and cry aloud and spare not — glory ! 
for — ever! — (and here his voice rang out like the sweet, clear 
tones of a bugle). 

"And, therefore, my dear sisters and brethren, let us walk 
worthy of our vocation ; not with the natural legs of the physical 
corporation, but in the apostolical way, with the metaphysical and 
figurative legs of the mind, — (here Mr. N. caught some one smil- 
ing). — Take care, sinner, take care! curl not the scornful nose — 
I'm willing to be a fool for religion's sake — ^but turn not up the 
scornful nose — do its ministers no harm! Sinner! mark me! — in 
yon deep and tangled grove, where tall aspiring trees wave green 



38o FOURTH YEAR 

and lofty heads in the free air of balmy skies — there, sinner, an 
hour ago, when the sonorous horn called on our embattled hosts 
to go to private prayer ! an hour ago, in yonder grove I knelt and 
prayed for you! — (hoohl) — yes! I prayed some poor soul might 
be given for my hire! — and he promised me one! — (Glory! glory! 
— ah! give him one!) — Laughing sinner! — take care! — I'll have 
you ! — (Grant it — amen ! — ^^ooohoo !) Look out, I'm going to fire ! 
— (assuming the attitude of rifle-shooting) — bang! — may He send 
that through your heart ! — may it pierce clean home through joints 
and marrow ! — and let all the people say Amen ! — (and here amen 
was said, and not in the tame style of the American Archbishop of 
Canterbury's cathedral, be assured; but whether the spiritual 
bullet hit the chap aimed at, I never learned ; if it did, his groans 
were inaudible in the alarming thunder of that Amen.) 

"Ay ! ay ! that's the way ! that's the way ! don't be ashamed of 
your vocation — that's the way to walk and let your light shine! 
Now some wise folks despise light and call for miracles : but when 
we can't have one kind of light, let us be philosophical and take 
another. For my part, when I'm bogging about these dark woods, 
far away in the silent sombre shadows, I rejoice in sunshine; and 
would prefer it of choice rather than all other celestial and trans- 
lucent luminaries: but when the gentle fanning zephyrs of the 
shadowy night breathe soft among the trembling leaves and 
sprays of the darkening forests, then I rejoice in moonshine: and 
when the moonshine dims and pales away with the waning silvery 
queen of heaven in her azure zone, I look up to the blue concave 
of the circular vault and rejoice in star light. No! no! no! any 
light ! — give us any light rather than notie! — (Ah, do, good Lord !) 
Yes ! yes ! we are the light of the world, and so let us let our light 
shine, whether sunshine, or moonshine, or star light! — (oohoo!) 
—and then the poor benighted sinner, bogging about this terra- 
queous, but dark and mundane sphere, will have a light like a pole 
star of the distant north, to point and guide him to the sun-lit 
climes of yonder world of bright and blazing bliss!" — 
(A-a-a-amen!) 

Such is part of the sermon. His concluding prayer ended 
thus: — (Divine names omitted.) 

"Oh! come down! come, come down! down! now! — to-night! 



FOURTH YEAR 381 

— do wonders then! come down in might! come down in power! 
let salvation roll! Come down! com\e! and let the earthquaking 
mighty noise of thy thundering chariot wheels be heard and felt 
and seen and experienced in the warring elements of our spirit- 
ualized hearts !" 

During the prayer, many petitions and expressions were so 
rapturously and decidedly encored, that our friend kindly re- 
peated them; and sometimes, like public singers, with handsome 
variations : and many petitions by amateur zealots were put forth, 
without any notice of the current prayer offered by Mr. N., yet 
evidently having in view some elegancy of his sermon. And 
not a few petitions, I regret to say, seemed to misapprehend the 
drift and scope of the preacher. One of this sort was the 
earnest ejaculations of an old and worthy brother, who in a hol- 
low, sepulchral, and rather growly voice, bellowed out in a very 
beautiful part of the grand prayer — "Oohhoo ! take away 
moonshine!" 

But our finest performance was to be at night : and at the first 
toot of the tin horn, we assembled in expectation of a "good time." 
For I. All day preparation had been making for the night; and 
the actors seemed evidently in restraint as in mere rehearsal: 2. 
the night suits better displays and scenes of any kind : but 3. the 
African was to preach; and rumour had said, "he was a most 
powerful big preacher that could stir up folks mighty quick, and 
use up the ole feller in less than no time." 

After prefatory prayers and hymns, and pithy exhortations by 
several brothers of the Caucasian breed, our dusky divine, the 
Rev. Mizraim Ham, commenced his sermon, founded on the duel 
between David and Goliath. 

This discourse we shall condense into a few pages ; although the 
comedy or mellow-drama — (for it greatly mellowed and relaxed 
the muscles) — required for its entire action a full hour. There 
was, indeed, a prologue; but the rest was mainly dialogue, in 
which Mr. Ham wonderfully personated all the different speakers, 
varying his tone, manner, attitude, &c., as varying characters and 
circumstances demanded. We fear much of the spirit has evapo- 
rated in this condensation ; but that evil is unavoidable. 



382 FOURTH YEAR 

REV. MIZRAIM HAM's DISCOURSE. 

"Bruthurn and sisturn, tention, if you please, while I want you 
for to understand this here battul most purtiklur 'zact or may be 
you moughtn't comprend 'uni. Furst place, I'm gwyin to un- 
devur to sarcumscribe fust the 'cashin of this here battul : second 
place, the 'comdashins of the armies : third place, the folkses as 
was gwyin for to fite and didn't want to, and some did : and last 
and fourth place, Fm gwyin for to show purtiklur 'zact them as 
fit juul, and git victry and git kily'd. 

"Tention, if you pleases, while I fustly sarcumscribe the 'casion 
of this here battul. Bruthurn and sisturn, you see them thar 
hethun Fillystines, what warnt circumcised, they wants to ketch 
King Sol and his 'ar folks for to make um slave : and so they 
cums down to pick a quorl, and begins a totin oflf all their cawn, 
and wouldn't 'low um to make no hoes to ho um, nor no homnee. 
And that 'ar, you ses, stick in King Solsis gizurd ; and he ups and 
says, says he, 'Fm not gwying to be used up that 'ar away by 
them uncircumcis'd hethun Fillystines, and let um tote off our 
folkses cawn to chuck to thar hogs, and take away our hoes so 
we can't hoe um — and so, Jonathum, we'll drum up and list soljurs 
and try um a battul.' And then King Sol and his 'ar folks they 
goes up, and the hethun and theirn comes down and makes war. 
And this is the 'cashin why they fit. 

"Tention 'gin, if you pleases, Fm gwyin in the next place 
secondly, to show the 'comdashins of this here battul, which was 
so fashin like. The Filystines they had thar army up thar on a 
mounting, and King Sol he had hissin over thar, like across a 
branch, amoss like that a one thar — (pointing) — and it was 
chuck full of sling rock all along on the bottom. And so they 
was both on um camp'd out ; this a one on this 'ar side, and tother 
a one on tother, and the lilly branch tween um — and them's the 
comdashins. 

"Tention once more agin, as 'caze next place thirdly Fm a 
gwyin to give purtiklur 'zact 'count of sum folkeses what fit and 
sum didn't want to. And, lubly sinnahs, maybe you minds um, 
as how King Sol, and his soljurs was pepper hot for fite when he 
fust liss um ; but now, lubly sinnahs, when they gits up to the 
Fillystines, they cool oflf mighty quick, I tell you! 'Caze why? I 



FOURTH YEAR 383 

tell you; why, 'caze a grate, big, ugly ole jiunt, with grate big 
eyes, so fashin — (Mr. Ham made giant's eyes here) — he kums a 
rampin out af runt o' them 'ar rigiments, like the ole devul a gwyin 
about like a half-starv'd lion a seeking to devour poor lubly 
sinnahs ! And he cum a jumpin and a tearin out so fashin — 
(actions to suit) — to git sum of King Solsis soljurs to fite um 
juul: and King Sol, lubly bruthurn and sisturn, he gits sker'd 
mighty quick, and he says to Jonathun and tother big officers, says 
he — T ain't a gwyin for to fite that grate big fellah.' And arter 
that they ups and says — 'We ain't a gwyin for to fite um nuthur, 
'caze he's all kiver'd with sheetirun, and his head's up so high we 
muss stand a boss back to reach um !' — the jiunt he was so big! ! 

"And then King Sol he quite down in the jaw, and he turn and 
ax if somebody wouldn't hunt up a soljur as would fite juul with 
um; and he'd give um his dawtah, the prinsuss, for wife, and 
make um king's son-in-law. And then one ole koretur, they call 
him Abnah, he comes up and say to Sol so : 'Please your majuste, 
sir, I kin git a young fellah to fite um,' says he. And Abnah tells 
how Davy had jist rid up in his carruge and left um with the man 
what tend the hossis — and how he heern Davy a quorl'n with his 
bruthurs and a wantuUi to fite the jiunt. Then King Sol, he feel 
mighty glad, I tell you, sinnahs, and he make um bring um up, 
and King Sol he begins a talkin so, and Davy he answers so : — 

" 'What's your name, lilly fellah ?' 

" T was crissen'd Davy.' 

" 'Whose your farder?' 

" 'They call um Jesse.' 

" 'What you f ollur for livin ?' 

" 'I tend my farder's-sheep.' 

" 'What you kum arter? Ain't you affeerd of that 'ar grate 
ugly ole jiunt up thar, lilly Davy ?' 

" 'I kum to see arter my udder brudurs, and bring um in our 
carruge some cheese and muttun, and some clene shirt and 
trowsur, and have tother ones wash'd. And when I kum I hear 
ole Goliawh a hollerin out for somebody to cum and fite juul 
with um: and all the soljurs round thar they begins for to make 
traks mighty quick, I tell you, please your majuste, sir, for thar 
tents; but, says I, what you run for? I'm not a gwyin for to run 



384 FOURTH YEAR 

away — if King Sol wants some body for to fite the jiunt, I'll lit 
um for um.' 

" 'I mighty feerd, lilly Davy, you too leetul for um — ' 
" 'No ! King Sol, I kin lick um. One day I gits asleep ahind a 
rock, and out kums a lion and a bawr, and begins a totin off a lilly 
lam; and when I heern um roarin and pawin 'bout, I rubs my eyes 
and sees um gwyin to the mountings — and I arter and ketch'd up 
and kill um both without no gun nor sword — and I bring back 
poor lilly lam. I kin lick ole Goliawh, I tell you, please your 
majuste, sir.' 

"Then King Sol he wery glad, and pat um on the head, and 
calls um 'lilly Davy,' and wants to put on um his own armur 
made of brass and sheetirun, and to take his sword, but Davy 
didn't like um, but said he'd trust to his sling. And then out he 
goes to fite the ole jiunt ; and this 'ar brings me to the fourth and 
last diwishin of our surmun. 

"Tention once more agin' for lass time, as I'm gwyin to give 
*«iost purtikuurlust 'zactest 'count of the juul atween lilly Davy 
and ole Goliawh the jiunt, to show, lubly sinnah! how the Lord's 
peepul without no carnul gun nor a sword, can fite ole Bellzybub 
and knock um over with the sling rock of prayer, as lilly Davy 
knock over Goliawh with hissin out of the Branch. 

"And to 'lusterut the juui and make um spikus, I'll show 'zactly 
how they talk'd, and jawd, and fit it all out: and so ole Goliawh 
when he see Davy a kumun, he hoUurs out so, and lilly Davy he 
say back so : — 

"What you kum for, lilly Jew? " 

"What I kum for! you'll find out mighty quick, I tell you — I 

kum for fite juul " 

"Huhh! huhh! haw! — 'tink I'm gwyin to fite puttee lilly baby? 

I want king Sol or Abnah, or a big soljur man " 

"Hole your jaw — I'll make you laugh tother side, ole grizzle- 
gruzzle, 'rectly, — I'm man enough for biggest jiunt Fillystine." 
"Go way, poor lilly boy ! go home, lilly baby, to your mudder, 

and git sugar plum — I no want kill puttee lilly boy " 

"Kum on! — dont be afeerd! — dont go for to run away! — I'll 

ketch you and lick you " 

"You d — n leetul raskul — I'll kuss you by all our gods — I'll cut 



FOURTH YEAR 385 

out your sassy tung*' — I'll break your blackguard jaw, — I'll rip 
you up and give um to the dogs and crows — " 

"Don't kuss so, ole Golly! I 'sposed you wanted to fite juul — so 
kum on with your old irun-pot hat on — you'll git belly full mighty 
quick " 

"You nasty leetul raskul, I'll kum and kill you dead as chopped 
sassudge." 

Here the preacher represented the advance of the parties; and 
gave a florid and wonderfully effective description of the closing 
act partly by words and partly by pantomime ; exhibiting innum- 
erable marches and counter-marches to get to windward, and all 
the postures, and gestures, and defiances, till at last he personated 
David putting his hand into a bag for a stone : — and then making 
his cotton handkerchief into a sling, he whirled it with fury half 
a dozen times around his head, and then let fly with much skill at 
Goliath ; and' at the same instant halloing with the phrenzy of a 
madman — "Hurraw ! for lilly Davy !" At that cry he, with his left 
hand, struck himself a violent slap on the forehead, to represent 
the blow of the sling stone hitting the giant ; and then in person 
of Goliath he dropped quasi dead upon the platform amid the 
deafening plaudits of the congregation; all of whom, some spirit- 
ually, some sympathetically, and some carnally, took up the preach- 
er's triumph shout — 

"Hurraw ! for lilly Davy." 

How the Rev. M'izraim Ham made his exit from the boards I 
could not see — perhaps he rolled or crawled off. But he did not 
suffer decapitation, like "ole Golly:" since, in ten minutes, his 
woolly pate suddenly popped up among the other sacred heads 
that were visible over the front railing of the rostrum, as all kept 
moving to and fro in the wild tossings of religious phrenzy. 

Scarcely had Mr. Ham fallen at his post, when a venerable old 
warrior, with matchless intrepidity, stepped into the vacated 
spot ; and without a sign of fear carried on the contest against the 
Arch Fiend, whose great ally had been so recently overthrown — 
i. e. Goliath (not Mr. Ham). Yet excited, as evidently was this 
veteran, he still could not forego his usual introduction stating how 

^ Mr. Ham prefered Webster's Dictionary — which spells according to 
nature. 



386 FOURTH YEAR 

old he was ; where he was born ; where he obtained religion ; how 
long he had been a preacher ; how many miles he had travelled in 
a year; and when he buried his wife: — all of which edifying 
truths were received with the usual applauses of a devout and 
enlightened assembly. But this introduction over (which did 
not occupy more than fifteen or twenty minutes) ; he began his at- 
tack in fine style, waxing louder and louder as he proceeded, till 
he exceeded all the old gentlemen to "holler" I ever heard, and 
indeed old ladies either. 

EXTRACT FROM HIS DISCOURSE. 

" Yes, sinners ! you'll all have to fall and be 



knock'd down some time or nuther, like the great giant we've 
heern tell on, when the Lord's sarvints come and fight agin you ! 
Oho ! sinner ! sinner — oh ! — I hope you may be knock'd down to 
night — now! — this moment — and afore you die and go to judg- 
ment! Yes, oho! yes! oh! — I say judgment — for it's appinted 
once to die and then the jugdment — oho! oh! And what a time 
ther'll be then ! You'll see, all these here trees — and them 'are 
stars, and yonder silver moon a fire! — and all the alliments a 
meltin and runnin down with fervent heat-ah !" — (I have else- 
where stated that the unlearned preachers out there ( ?) are by the 
vulgar — [not the poor] — but the zmlgar, supposed to be more 
favoured in preaching than man-made preachers ; and that the 
sign of an unlearned preacher's inspiration being in full blast is 
his inhalations, which puts an -ah! to the end of sentences, mem- 
bers, words, and even exclamations, till his breath is all gone, and 
no more can be sucked in) — "Oho! hoah ! fervent heat-ah! — and 
the trumpit a soundin-ah ! — and the dead arisin-ah ! — and all on us 
a flyin-ah! — to be judged-ah! — Oohoah ! sinner — sinner — sinner- 
ah ! And what do I see away tharah ! — down the Massissipp-ah ! — 
thar's a man jist done a killin-ah! — another-ah ! — and up he goes 
with his bloody dagger-ah ! And what's that I see to the East-ah ! 
where proud folks live clothed in purple-ah ! and fine linen-ah ! — 
I see 'em round a table a drinkin a decoction of Indian herb-ah ! 
— and up they go with cups in thar hands-ah ! and see — ohoah ! — 
see! in yonder doggery some a dancin-ah ! and a fiddlin-ah ! — and 
up they go-ah! with cards ah! and fiddle-ah!" &c. &c. 



FOURTH YEAR 387 

Here the tempest around drowned the voice of the old hero : 
although, from the frantic violence of his gestures, the frightful 
distortion of his features, and the Pythonic foam of his mouth, he 
was plainly blazing away at the enemy. The uproar, however, so 
far subsided as to allow my hearing his closing exhortation, which 
was this : 

" Yes I say — fall down — fall down all of you, on your 

knees! — shout! — cry aloud! — spare not! — stamp with the foot! — 
smite with the hand! — down! dozun! — that's it! — down brethren! 
— down preachers! — down sisters! — pray away! take it by storm! 
fire away! fire away! not one at a time! not two together-ah! — a 
single shot the devil will dod\ge-ah! — give it to him all at once — 
fire a whole platoon! — at him ! !" 

And then such platoon firing as followed! If Satan stood that, 
he can stand much more than the worthy folks thought he could. 
And, indeed, the elTect was wonderful ! — more than forty thought- 
less sinners that came for fun, and twice as many backsliders were 
instantly knocked over ! — and there all lay, some with violent 
jerkings and writhings of body, and some uttering the most pierc- 
ing and dismaying shrieks and groans ! The fact is, I was nearly 
knocked down myself 

"You?— Mr. Carlton!!" 

Yes, — indeed — but not by the hail of spiritual shot falling so 
thick around me : it was by a sudden rush towards my station, 
where I stood mounted on a stump. And this rush was occasioned 
by a wish to see a stout fellow lying on the straw in the pen, a 
little to my left, groaning and praying, and yet kicking and pum- 
meUing away as if scuffling with a sturdy antagonist. Near him 
were several men and women at prayer, and one or more whis- 
pering into his ear ; while on a small stump above, stood a person 
superintending the contest, and so as to ensure victory to the 
right party. Now the prostrate man, who like a spirited tom-cat 
seemed to fight best on his back, was no other than our celebrated 
New Purchase bully— Rowdy Bill! And this being reported 
through the congregation, the rush had ^taken place by which I 
was so nearly overturned. I contrived, however, to regain my 
stand shared indeed, now, with several others, we hugging one 
another and standing on tip-toes and our necks elongated as possi- 
ble; and thus we managed to have a pretty fair view of matters. 



388 FOURTH YEAR 

About this time the Superintendent in a very loud voice cried 
out, — "Let him alone, brothers ! let him alone sisters ! — keep on 
praying! — it's a hard fight — the devil's got a tight grip yet! He 
don't want to lose poor Bill — but he'll let go soon — Bill's gittin the 
better on him fast ! — Pray away !" 

Rowdy Bill, be it known, was famous as a gouger, and so 
expert was he in his antioptical vocation, that in a few moments 
he usually bored out an antagonist's eyes, or made him cry peccazn. 
Indeed, could he, on the present occasion, have laid hold of his 
unseen foe's head (spiritually we mean), he would (figuratively 
of course) soon have caused him to ease off or let go entirely his 
metaphorical grip. So, however, thought one friend in the as- 
sembly — Bill's wife. For Bill was a man after her own heart; 
and she often said that "with fair play she sentimentally allowed 
her Bill could lick ary a man in the 'varsal world, and his weight 
in wild cats to boot." Hence, the kind hearted creature, hearing 
that Bill was actually fighting with the devil, had pressed in from 
the outskirts to see fair play ; but now hearing Bill was in reality 
down, and apparently undermost, and above all, the words of the 
superintendent, declaring that the fiend had a tight grip of the 
poor fellow, her excitement would no longer be controlled ; and, 
collecting her vocal energies, she screamed out her common ex- 
hortation to Bill, and which, when heeded, had heretofore secured 
him immediate victories — "Gouge him, Billy! — gouge him, Billy! 
— gouge him !" 

This spirited exclamation was instantly shouted by Bill's cronies 
and partisans — mischievously, maybe, for we have no right to 
judge of men's motives, in meetings: — but a few (friends doubt- 
less of the old fellow), cried out in a very irreverent tone — 
"Bite him ! devil — bite him ! Upon which, the faithful wife, in a 
tone of voice that beggars description, reiterated her — "Gouge 
him." &c. — in which she was again joined by her husband's allies, 
and that to the alarm of his invisible foe ; for Bill now rose to his 
knees, and on uttering some mystic jargon symptomatic of conver- 
sion, he was said to have "got rehgion ;" — and then all his new 
friends and spiritual guides united in fresh prayers and shouts of 
thanksgiving. 

It was now very late at night; and joining a few other citizens 



FOURTH YEAR 389 

of Woodville, we were soon in our saddles and buried in the 
darkness of the forest. For a long time, however, the uproar 
of the spiritual elements at the camp continued at intervals to 
swell and diminish on the hearing; and, often came a yell that 
rose far above the united din of other screams and outcries. Nay, 
at the distance of nearly two miles, could be distinguished a re- 
markable and sonorous oh! — like the faintly heard explosion of a 
mighty elocutional class practising under a master. And yet my 
comrades, who had heard this peculiar cry more than once, all 
declared that this wonderful oh-'mg was performed by the separate 
voice of our townsman, Eolus Letherlung, Esq. ! 

At length the din died sullenly away, like the indistinct mutter 
of a retiring hurricane ! But for that night and the next day, the 
scenes and cries of the camp were vivid before my eyes and ring- 
ing in my ears ; and more than once, in night dreams, appeared 
Rowdy Bill dressed in his wife's cap and short-gown, and stand- 
ing on the breast of Goliath ; while near stood a dwarf negro with 
two heads, flourishing in his hand a corn-hoe, and crying from 
both his mouths — "Gouge him ! Billy, gouge him !" 

Next day (as I was told by an eye-witness and in triumph), 
the new converts, amounting to more than two hundred ! ! were 
all paraded and marched around the camp-grounds, under the 
appellation of "virgins following the Lamb!" — after which, they 
were enrolled and acknowledged as "trophies snatched from 
Satan!" It being impossible, therefore, to gainsay facts, I was 
constrained, spite of my latent hostility to certain Big Meetings, 
to acknowledge to my friend, who insisted on my immediate and 
honest answer, to acknowledge that : — 

A camp-meeting was, all things considered, the very best con- 
trivance and means for making the largest number of converts in 
the shortest possible time; and also for enlarging most speedily 
the bounds of a Church Visible and Militant. 



CHAPTER XLIX. 

"Amor vincit omnia" 

"Love laughs at locksmiths !" 

Our present chapter treats of love and matrimony. 

Doubtless it has occurred to the reader, that John Glenville 
is yet a bachelor and ought to be looking out for a wife. Now, 
although John was never over head and ears in love, he yet was 
always falling into it — knee deep at least ; but as yet, he had never 
found anybody for helpmeet, though several were disposed to be 
help-mates. 

My friend had, indeed, often gone "a gallin" among our log- 
cabin beauties ; and sometimes received answers so serious to his 
sportive questions as to make his backing out very difficult and un- 
graceful. For instance, he once accompanied Peggy home from 
a might meeting ; and on reaching the cabin she paused a moment 
by the wood pile, when John playfully said: 

"Well, Peggy, I've a notion to go in and court awhile, what 
do yoiv say to it?" 

"Well — maybe you mought and maybe you moughtn't — " 

"Why? has anybody cut me out?" 

"Hey?!" 

"Perhaps somebody else is gallin down here?" 

"Perhaps thar is, and perhaps thar isn't." 

"Awh ! come Peggy do tell me." 

Here Peggy looked down in some perplexity, as balancing un- 
certainties, and after kicking up a large heap of chips with the 
toe of her shoe, she seemed to have arrived at the conclusion — "a 
bird in the hand," &c. — and. therefore modestly answered : — 

"Well ! John — Fm a kinder sorter courted like, and a kinder 
sorter not like, — but Fm m.ore a kinder sorter not, nor a kinder 
sorter — and I allow you'd better step in and see daddy ; tain't late 
— although mammy's in bed." 

Of course, John got out as awkwardly as we end his adventure. 

But once Glenville was caught more effectually and much more 
to his surprise ; and yet, he backed out with some ingenuity. 
The lady, however, had ultimately her revenge. He was on a visit 

390 



FOURTH YEAR 391 

of business in an adjoining state, when he was invited by the 
celebrated Mr. Brown to spend a few days at his house. Here he 
became naturally interested in Miss Brown, the daughter — a young 
lady of some beauty, of much good nature, of good talents, and 
mistress of many useful acquirements beside several ornamental 
branches. 

In an unguarded moment, John sportively popped the ques- 
tion, or rather popped at the question, by wondering how Miss 
B. would like to live in a cabin with such a Hoosier as himself ; to 
which Paddy's hint, Miss B. too seriously intimated that Mr. G. 
had better consult her father on such points. Now, generous 
reader, Glenville was by no means ready to forsake father and 
mother at that time ; and the cabin alluded to, was so open and 
unchinked, that poverty could easily enough have crept in all 
around, and love gone flying out through an hundred crevices in 
addition to the doors and window. In plain English, the fellow 
was too poor to ask any woman to share his poverty ; unless she 
belonged to the Range, was used "to chinkin and daubin, and to 
makin huntin shirts and lether brichis-y hence after musing on the 
affair the whole night, he seized an opportunity the next morning 
of renewing with Miss B. the colloquy of the previous afternoon. 
In this he painted in true colours, the cheerlessness of his rude 
cabin and his half hunter's life, and the privations and sufferings 
to which such a man's wife would necessarily be subjected; and 
then, with some ingenuity (certainly with some boldness), he 
wished to know if such a man ought to ask any kind parent, in 
affluent circumstances, to send away an amiable and beloved 
daughter. 

To his relief. Miss B., with a slight betrayal of surprise, — 
(John said "mortification,") — agreed with him; but after this his 
situation was so awkward, that he left Mr. Brown's mansion that 
very day. Here, therefore, is another proof that some things can 
be done as well as others ; and while this affair is not quite so odd 
as that of Deerslayer and Judith,^ yet it shows the difference be- 
tween truth and fiction. 

Well, the present winter, Glenville being often on visits to 
Woodville, and circumstances existing to alter cases, we fre- 

1 See Fenimore Cooper's "The Deerslayer." 



392 FOURTH YEAR 

quently rallied the bachelor on his courtships ; and more than 
once, in full assembly, voted that he must and should forthwith 
go and find a wife. To all this, he opposed the stale replies, that 
he was too old now — could find nobody to suit him — and that 
such as would suit would not have him, — till at last he consented, 
if I could find the proper person, and persuade her to have him, 
he would marry. 

Accordingly, one night after such a discussion, Glenville and 
myself sat alone by the fire, when the following talk went on in 
continuation of the subject: — 

"But, Glenville, are you really serious?" 

"Yes, Carlton, I am really serious." 

"Still, you would not marry if you did not love ?" 

"Well — I'm not quite so sure there. At all events, I shall 
easily love any girl you will choose — especially if you choose 
Miss Bromn.'' 

"Come, John, be candid — did you ever truly love her?" 

"More, perhaps, than I ever loved any one before, or ever shall 
again." 

"And why did you back out so foolishly?" 

"For the very reasons I have a thousand times told you. I 
was too poor — my home too utterly dreary to take such a girl to 
— and if I had ever dreamed my jesting manner would have been 
mistaken, I should have been far enough from trifling with 
her " 

"Suppose she had seemed willing next morning?" 

"I would have consulted her father, unquestionably — but for 
the daughter's sake, I should have regretted his consent." 

"Well, Glenville, what do you say to Miss Smythe? — I think she 
feels tender towards you." 

"She would do: — and with a little practice I should love her 
as well as most men love their wives. But Carlton, the Squire, 
has been cutting round there the last six months, and " 

"No odds — suppose you fryf" 

"Willingly; if I thought there was any chance; but, in the first 
place, maybe she's engaged — next, maybe she might not want me 
— and so I do not like to lose my time and run risk, and " 

"Tut ! tut ! — you need not waste any time ; for I'll write a love- 



FOURTH YEAR 393 

letter for you ; and as to the other objection, I'll bet a coon skin 
you're too modest, and the girl, if disengaged, will have you." 

"Carlton! — zvill you write such a letter? If you will, I'll 
deliver it." 

"Done ! — and I'll write you as many more as you like." 

"Suppose, then, you do another for Miss Brown? and so I 
shall have two snaps." 

"Agreed — when shall I do them ?" 

"Any time between this and next Saturday. I shall be in Wood- 
ville then, you know — so 'tis settled, — come, I'm tired, let's go to 
bed." 

The two letters were duly concocted, the first one to be de- 
livered to Miss Smythe,' the other, in case of the first failing, was 
to be sent to Miss Brown; but if Miss S. was disengaged and 
smiled propitious, John was, to all intents and purposes, a mar- 
ried man ; and Miss Brown was to have no opportunity of revenge. 

The letter for Mass Smythe was as follows : — 

"Miss E. A. Smythe, 

"A knowledge of your character, derived from mutual friends, 
from the opinion of all your acquaintances, and also from a some- 
what intimate personal acquaintance, induces me to believe that 
such a lady would fill the vacancy in my domestic establishment 
most perfectly and delightfully : — although I am not vain enough 
to suppose Miss Smythe will necessarily feel herself flattered by 
such a preference on the part of the writer. As, however. Miss 
S. on better acquaintance, might become interested in him — 
more so at least than he fears she is at present — he very respect- 
fully, yet most earnestly, craves permission to pay his addresses 
in person. 

"Very truly, your humble servant, 

"But great admirer, 

John Glenville." 

The letter to Miss Brown, or rather for her, as it was ad- 
dressed to the father, was this : — 
"My dear sir, 

"In a playful conversation on a subject so common when un- 

- She was distantly related to the Smiths in the city, and their kinsfolks 
the Smythes. 



394 FOURTH YEAR 

married persons meet, your daughter, Miss Brown, in a jesting 
manner, remarked, that she always referred gentlemen to her 
father — as his choice would always be hers. What was jest with 
her, with me would have become very solemn earnest, had I had 
then to offer any thing beyond my hand and my heart, to induce 
such a girl to leave such a home. Happily, circumstances are now 
favourably altered ; and willingly now would I ask that father for 
his daughter could I flatter myself the daughter could be induced 
to gladden and adorn a hearth, which, however warm in one sense, 
must be yet cold and cheerless without the love of a bosom friend. 
And such a friend would Miss Brown prove : — and, dear sir, if 
you think such a match suitable for your lovely daughter, I sin- 
cerely entreat the communication of your favourable opinion to 
her in my behalf — hoping that the daughter's choice then may be 
as the father's. 

"1 have sir, the honour to be 

"Your obedient servant, 

"J- Glenville." 

On Saturday Glenville came; when after reading, criticising, 
correcting, and laughing, he took copies of the letters ; it being 
arranged, that he put one in each coat pocket, and on waiting 
next day on Miss Smythe from church, he should, at a proper 
time, hand her the proper letter. And all this he accordingly did^ 
and with no greater blunder than putting his hand into the 
Brown pocket, and pulling out the wrong letter — which, if he had 
also delivered it to Miss Smythe, would have made our book still 
more interesting — but he fortunately corrected his error in time, 
and prevented a very handsome laugh at our expense. 

To save Miss S. the awkwardness of a special messenger, and to 
avoid prying eyes at the post-office, Glenville, on bowing adieu at 
the lady's door, stated that he would call in person next morning 
for an answer. At that time, therefore, after lots of speculating 
as to the style and manner of the answer, Glenville, with Miss 
Brown's letter in his pocket, and anxious not to be too early for 
the lady's convenience, nor too late for the ardent affection he 
intended to have, marched off very bravely, looking back once or 
twice and shaking his fist as he caught sight of our cachinating 
faces. 



FOURTH YEAR 395 

Well, in due season he returned — but what pen or pencil can 
give the odd expression of that face! 

"Well, Glenville, what luck?" — (Can I ever forget the pecu- 
liar intonation, emphasis, inflection of that answer?) 

"Engaged !" 

"Is it possible! — but if she had not been, what then?" 

"Bah! — do you think I asked her?" 

"Why not? — I should like to know what she thinks of you." 

"Why not ! ! — in case she did not fancy me, was I going to 
suffer a double refusal, when one is decisive?" 

"Haw! ha! he!^ what have you done with Miss Brown's 
letter?" 

"Dropp'd it in the office as I came along; and there's a chance 
for Miss Brown to have her revenge. Bet a dollar she says no !" 

The case of my friend was like that of the school boy, who 
described his disappointment in a composition, which we shall 
here introduce to fill up the time till the return mail. 

"cO IMPOSITION ON HUNTING." 

"The other morning I went out a hunting with father's duck- 
gun what he brung out from Kentucky ; but as I had no luck. I 
allowed I might as well put off for home ; and so I turn about and 
goes towards home. As I come to the edge of our clearin, what 
should I see away off on the top of a dead walnut, but a black 
crow ! And so I makes up my mind to try and hit him. The 
critter was more nor three hundred yards from me; but I insinu- 
ates myself along as near as two hundred yards to the feller ; when 
he begins a showing signs of flittin : and so I trees where I was in 
a minute. Well, I determines to try him there, although 'twas 
near as good as desperut to try a black crow that distance with a 
shot-gun ; although father's duck-gun's the most powerful shot- 
gun in the Purchis. Howsomdever. I wanted the load out ; and 
I thought I might as well fire that a way as any other — and so 
up I draws the piece very careful, and begins a taking aim, 
thinking all the while I shouldn't hit him : still I tuk the most 
exactest aim, as if I should: when just then he hops about two 
nearer my way, as if to get a look round my tree, where he 

3 We do not expect the reader to laugh here, unless he is so disposed — 
I only laughed at the time because I could not help it. 



396 FIFTH YEAR 

smelt powder — and then, thinking all the time, as I said, I shouldn't 
hit him, as the distance was so most powerful fur, I blazed away ! 
— and sure enough, as I'm alive — I didn't hit him !" 

Now Glenville, from the distance of his second shot, insisted 
he should never hit: yet how near he came may be conjectured 
from the following replies to his epistle : — 

"John Glenville, Esq., — 
"Dear Sir — 
****** and the inclosed 
from my daughter, to whom was handed your late communica- 
tion, contains, I presume, the most satisfactory answer, 

^ 'I* ^ ''^j^nrl * 

"Yours, very respectfully, &c. 

"Redman Green Brown. 

Now, this sentence in the envelope containing a sealed letter 
from Miss Brown, brought "the crow about two feet nearer :" and 
John's eyes began to sparkle, although he continued humbly 
affirming that the sealed epistle contained — "No!" 

"Sir:— 

"I honour you for honesty, as I am satisfied you assign true 
reasons for not taking one to share your home ; although the 
reasons themselves can never seem satisfactory where one was 
willing to share another's heart. For, like most girls in their days 
of romance, that one cared to find only a heart when she married. 
As my own home is sufficiently comfortable, there can be no in- 
ducement to wish another, however comfortable, in the New 
Purchase; and where its owner seems to think 'altered circum- 
stances' are important in winning a woman's love. But to show 
that kindness is estimated that would spare my delicacy, by 
leading my dear father to think all our conversation had been 
sportive, I do hereby most cordially — (here John looked! oh! I 
tell you what!) — invite you to our Christmas festivities, when the 
writer changes her name from Mary Brown to Mary Burleigh." 

"There, Carlton ! I told you so — I said it would be — no ! And 
yet secretly did I wish — ay ! do wish it now — that the answer 
could be — yes ! I am glad the girl has her revenge ; but still I 
have known too many hardships not to feel happy in the re- 
flection, that one I did love a little, and could now love a great 
deal, has never been called to share them." 



FIFTH YEAR 397 

And so after all, reader, our chapter ends without a wedding! 
proving how hard it is to get an old bachelor married. Another 
year we may, perhaps, be more successful. 



CHAPTER L. 

Fifth Year. 

"The three R's — Readin, Ritin, Rithmetic." 

London Alderman's Toast. 

***** =K 

"I saw a smith stand witih his hammer thus — 
The whilst his iron did on the anvil cool, 
With open mouth swallowing a tailor's news." 

A GREAT quarrel between the Rev. C. Clarence and the Com- 
monwealth of Woodville, was in reference to the kind of educa- 
tion fit for Hoosiers, Woolverines, and other true democrats. Our 
man of learning contended for a liberal and thorough discipline of 
the mind ; while we insisted on a (practical education. He argued 
that no course of education paid for by the government, ought to 
have exclusive regard to any class, or to any one art, trade, or 
profession: but that where the State furnished the means, the 
best intellectual education should be given both to the poor and 
the rich. Nay, he even affirmed that men ought not to be trained 
as mere Americans, and much less as mere western or eastern citi- 
zens ; but as men of the world, as gentlemen, as Christians. 

About this time Mind, having been accommodated with a pair 
of legs, and the said legs being fitted with seven league boots, had 
marched our way, and was now marking time very furiously in 
the Purchase. Indeed, we began to be born in circumstances 
favourable to sucking in thought, or something else, from ma- 
ternal breasts : and by aid of patent books and machinery, we now 
obtained as much knowledge by the time we could carry a rifle, or 
tree a raccoon, as our grandmothers had acquired in a long life ! 
And all this was real American, United States' learning! — useful, 
practical stuff! — such as would enable a fellow to get his own 
bread and butter ; or in New Purchase terms, his hog and hominy ! 



398 FIFTH YEAR 

In the far east, it is true, circumstances demanded many knowl- 
edges — chemistry, botany, anatomy, conchology, bugology, insect- 
ology, phrenology, animal magnetism, — any one of which science, 
or no science, could, in the improved era, be mastered by hearing 
three lectures and reading one pamphlet, and all of them in a 
few weeks ; at least, all that was practical and useful to gain 
money with: for so nut-shelly had all books and subjects become, 
that all could be even cracked and devoured in infant schools ! 
Yea ! and any teacher could administer a rich and nutritious 
literary pap, that made children bloat right up — and till they 
perspired knozvlcdges through their very pores ! And yea ! again, 
till every body has been taught every thing — and curiosity itself is 
satiated ! — and the Mind having had a long and wearisome march, 
and a toilsome beating of time, has drawn off its boots and is laid 
down in a deep and death-like repose ! But in the Purchase, 
utility required little beyond the learned alderman's R. R. R. ; 
except a little "Jogafree," and "Surveyin" enough to run lines 
around a quarter section : which were "naterally allowed to be a 
sorter useful like." 

Nor was our inference to be blamed, if education be, as it has 
been made for the last twenty-five years, and is to be made for 
the next fifty, thing of utility, latitudes and meridians; for we 
New Purchase folks lived, not as folks at Boston, or New- York; 
and did not, hence, need the same kind of education. Nor cared 
we for other people's notions, being content with our own. If the 
Great-North-American-United-States Theories and Systems are 
founded in true philosophy, then the Rev. Charles Clarence, A.M. 
should have come down from his stilts, and become popular and 
useful, and have educated us as we wished, and not as we ought 
to be. And many were the friends he would have bought ; ay, and 
he could have made some money too, had he spoken in favour of 
Patent Picture Books that represented truth and falsehood too. 
enigmatically ; and had he abused classical learning ! Had he 
delivered Taylorian twattle! or sent two boxes of dried bugs! or 
a chest of flints! with a pair of globes, a double wooden cone, 
and other toys to common schools! And had he not advocated 
heathen establishments, where poor darling children read about 
Jupiter, and Venus, and other he and she divinities, instead of 



FIFTH YEAR 399 

those noble, man-confiding, common schools, which in some 
places so abhor all gods, as to acknowledge none either by public 
prayer, or the reading of a Divine Revelation ! 

Fortunate times ! when a politician may acquire reputation for 
all learning, and patriotism, and wisdom, and philanthropy, by 
making a fourth-rate plagiarized speech before some third-rate 
Lyceum in favour of Practical American Education ! Or by 
sending five and a half dollars worth of pebbles and toy-machinery 
to the People's School to impart the knowledges ! 

Alas ! Clarence, little believed I once in your predictions ! We 
thought you an ill-boding crow ! And yet Classical Learning with 
all its generous, manly, and intellectual cognates is in most places 
dead — in all dying! In his last letter Clarence himself thus 
writes : — 

"I am now in an incorporated classical and mathe- 
matical academy at the capital of a boastful little State — a 
school where once numerous pupils were disciplined in my favour- 
ite system, and in due time became men. But "Othello's occupa- 
tion's gone !" I have only three pupils professedly studying even 
Latin ! and that only to understand law-terms ! The rest are liter- 
ally in the R. R. R. and Jogerf ree ! Indeed, in a population of 
some twelve thousand bodies, we can count but twelve souls as 
classical scholars in any of the schools, public or private ! So 
much for utilitarianism. It pulls down ; it never has, it never can 
build up! It will hardly go to heaven if not paid for it! Carlton! 
are w-e out of the woods? Has that impudent far-famed Theory 
of Practical Education, made us, as was promised, richer and 
happier and better? Does it not seem, that Providence has per- 
mitted our losses and distresses to show, among other matters, 
that where education is debased into a system to sharpen men's 
wits and appetites, and furnish instruments merely with which to 
make money and spend it, that education is a curse? After all, 
are there not very many illiterate fellows worth immense estates, 
who can barely "read, rite, and sifer?" and who are vastly richer 
than the best utilitarian school system ever made any body? And 
as to mere knowledge and knowledges, separate from mental dis- 
cipline, are they not productive of more evil than good, more 
sorrow than pleasure? To educate men for making most money 



400 FIFTH YEAR 

in the shortest time, tends directly to content them with the short- 
est, the cheapest, the most paltry education ; and it is natural all 
mere utilitarian schemes should degenerate into the most pitiful 
and meagre systems. After all, an education in mental discipline,, 
in the good old way, is the best for practical uses ; and if a dis- 
ciplined man fail in making money or gaining worldly honours, he 
never can fail, if virtuous, in possessing his intellectual superiority 
and its concomitant joys; but my paper is out. Farewell."^ 

Yes, Clarence, you were right and we wrong. Well do I remem- 
ber your lectures and conversations, in which you insisted it was 
wrong to appeal so exclusively to the selfish and political feelings 
and views, and thus coax men to have schools. How you argued 
that whole communities, if disappointed in immediate and profit- 
able results, came soon to ask "cui bono?" not only as to the 
classics, but even as to the sacred R. R. R. themselves. For what 
was else to be expected, when virtue itelf was valued as it was 
found useful; and honesty practiced and tolerated, because the 
best policy? 

Yes ! yes ! thy mantle is fallen upon me ! the puerile picture- 
book, the question and answer, the no-studying, the cheap as dirt, 
and nearly as worthless systems, shall all themselves come in due 
time to be neglected! Ay! for a while, a time and a half time, in 
some degrees and minutes and seconds shall rage utility and selfish- 
ness ; and this lower world's honours and glories shall be sought and 
not found for everybody and everybody' son in the lecture system, 
and the common school system, and the lyceum system ; and then 
before the reformation shall the friend-to-man and humbug-sys- 
tem, as well as the nobility-making and the aristocratical teaching 
first receive nothing from pupils, and then pay a premium for 
scholars ! Amen. 

Our professor, however, did persuade a few to lay the proper 
foundation of mental discipline in the proper union of classical 
and abstract mathematical studies. And so well did he cause to 
appear the few thus persuaded, in contrast to equals restricted 
elsewhere to the beggarly elements of a good ( ?) English educa- 

^ Since writing the above Clarence informs me the trust*ees have dis- 
missed him and shut the Academy, as the people do not wish a classical 
school at all ! 



FIFTH YEAR 401 

tion ; and so manifest had it become, that the R. R. R. and other 
common and even uncommon English branches could all be ac- 
quired, while pupils were laying the proper foundation, that not 
only were some of the Woodville commonwealth induced to try 
"the high and big-bug lamin," but pupils for the same purpose 
began to come from abroad. And these were styled Foreign and 
Strange Students. 

And then, dear reader, as moneys came in, you have no idea 
how converts increased to the doctrine of College-utility ! for 
none could deny the utility ! It was tangible, visible, audible ! 
With our own eyes we saw Cash ! handled it with our fingers ! 
heard it jingle with our ears! And all at once "high laming" 
became as popular as common schools. It was equal to a pro- 
ductive system, or grammar ! It raised the wind ! It brought 
the rhino ! Only show that a school, an academy, a college, or, 
a church, will advance the value of town lots — ^bring in more 
consumers — create a demand for beef, cloth, pepper and salt, 
powder and shot; then, from the vulgar plebeian dealing in shoe 
leather, up to the American nobleman dealing in shops, and who 
retails butter and eggs, we shall hear one spontaneous voice in 
favour ! 

But wo. Pedagogue, if all are not speedily benefited by your 
school ! Wo ! if town lots rise not ! if boots are not worn with 
dandy heels ! if everybody that has one spare room and two gar- 
rets, obtain not boarders! if cloth sells not ever so many hundred 
per cent, above cost ! if, in short, you enrich not all your dear fel- 
low-townsmen ! — then shall you hear the growlings of swine-like 
selfishness, and be asked "what's the use of learning?" Then shall 
you be complimented with many honorary titles, as "pitiful 
schemer!" — "book worm!" "idle rascal!" Or, all will be summed 
in "darn'd Yankee !" — the most comprehensive A.M. that can be 
bestowed in the Purchase, saving two lower case "d. d." a few 
years after this innocently given, because he was "out of sorts," 
by our college printer to the worthy and reverend Constant 
Bloduplex, d. d. 

The star of Clarence was, however, on the ascendant ; and he 
that had introduced "the d n Yankee trick" of exacting writ- 
ten excuses, was suddenly discovered to be "a powerful and 



402 FIFTH YEAR 

mighty clever feller!" And his "high larn'd idees" had more good 
in them than one could have conjectured! But when two gentle- 
men from a slave State appeared in Woodville, at the opening of 
this summer's session, and not merely with three boys as new 
scholars, but with the avowed intentions of buying town lots and 
living with us till the education of their sons should be completed ; 
and when these gentlemen were seen in broadcloth coats with 
yellow buttons, and canton crape pantaloons, walking round and 
examining sites for dwellings — then was the college extolled to 
the very heavens! And Clarence! what did he not become? If 
not a demi-god, at least within a fourth of it — a veritable semi- 
demi-one, a genuine terrestrial quarter-deus ! 

Poor fellow ! he was a little inflated by the popular breath ; and 
mistaking the vox populi for the vox del, he said the college was 
safe ! and that Providence had some remarkably excellent things 
in view for the great valley of the Mississippi in general, and for 
our portion of it in particular ! Ah ! enthusiast ! how you made 
us thrill with your paintings of our future ! How you thanked 
Heaven for casting your lot among us ! and dreamed of sumptuous 
edifices for colleges ! and libraries ! and apparatus ! and crowded 
recitation rooms ! You lost sight of your own principles, and 
thought pyramids could be built on air! Happily, my friend's 
day-dreaming was soon dispelled, or he would have been ruined. 
As it was, he increased his own library many fold. . He bought 
Minoras, and Majoras, and Homers, and Ciceros, and lexicons, 
and concordances, and antiquities, and anthologies and architec- 
tures — and would have ordered the whole stock of the Carvils — 
as if beastly selfishness in a community was the basis for a large 
library, more than for a liberal, manly, gentlemanly, and Christian 
education ! 

In these pleasing circumstances, our Principal relaxed not the 
reins of wholesome discipline. And at this very juncture, our 
Faculty had promulgated a decree against something ; but on find- 
ing both public and private admonition unavailing, they advertised 
that the next transgression would be visited by a brief suspension. 
On the very next day two pupils were seen by both masters, and 
in the very act of disobe9ience ; and of course Crabstick and 
Thorntree were suspended for — twenty-four hours I 



FIFTH YEAR 



403 



Many things create surprise in our mysterious world, which 
are followed, some by contempt, others by indignation and rage. 
A tom-cat exquisite leaps lightly on a toilette before a glass, and 
for the first sees a rival waving a taper tail, arching a velvet back, 
and purring with the most provoking complacency — all where he 
had reigned alone! His eye dilates with amazement! yet in a 
moment he intrudes his nose behind the mirror and the antagonist 
cat is vanished ! And Tom ever after treats such semblances 
with the coolest indiflference. 

Not so Haw-Buck, who came into town to see the battle of 
Bunker Hill. His surprise was followed with indignation at the 
reckless chaps that handled fire-arms so carelessly. "Why darn 
'em," as he took off his ram-beaver and saw a hole in its cylinder, 
"why darn 'em! if they hain't a firin bullits!" 

The surprise of Woodville, in its consequences, was analogous, 
not to that of pussy, but of Haw-Buck. The pupils generally 
heard the sentence with a look that said — "we allow the masters 
don't know what they are doing!" — while Crabstick and Thorntree 
left the room in manifest indignation! And then, in a few hours, 
the fa))ia clainosa was conveyed to every man, woman and child 
in all Woodville; and in a few more, to every one in our whole 
settlement ! 

At first, our community was dumb! Yard-sticks were arrested 
in admeasurements ! Needles stood with thread in the eye ! Wax- 
ends stuck in awl-holes ! Planes, hammers, axes, saws, and other 
industrious implements ceased operating! And our folks hurried 
forth to unite wonders ! Every store became crowded ; and every 
bar-room and doggery ! Knots of wise persons gathered at every 
corner ; and all places were full of winks, shrugs, elevated eye- 
brows, puckered mouths, and quivering noses ! 

It was soon rumoured that Thorntree, a foreign student, had 
hired a horse from Liebug, and in an uncontrollable fit of 
dudgeons gone home to his father, Major Thorntree. And then, 
if our regulators had, like the ass in one of his phases, been dumb, 
they now imitated him in another ; for no unanimous braying of a 
herd of donkeys could equal the hideous outcries of my 
townsmen! 

My store was always a head quarters, for I was a leading trus- 



404 FIFTH YEAR 

tee ; beside we were liberal in the nut and apple line ; and also 
gave third-rate raisins to women and children, and fragments of 
lead, or a second-rate flint to a chap. But above all "Carltin was 
the feller to play the flute and the fiddle, and his ole woman, the 
body what could rattle the pianny!" For some days, our store 
was now jammed with representatives extra from all the arts, 
trades and professions; yes, and ages and sexes; and I was worn 
down with talking and hearing, but without selling a dollar's 
worth. I took revenge, indeed, by giving away no goodies, and 
hinting to some of the most violent and abusive a settlement of 
accounts. 

SPECIMENS OF TALK. 

"I say, Mr. Carlton, ain't you goin to put the fellers out?" 

'Tut out! why?" 

"Why! — why it's plain enuf they've gone on like 'ristecrats — 
and won't it take away a poor man's livin?" 

"Just the other way, if all was understood " 

"Didn't Thorntree get boots of me?" 

"Yes — and cakes and candy at our shop?" 

"And what's more to the pint, Carltin, won't the Major go 
agin us next legislatur?" 

"Well — arter all, what did the studints do? only break a 
d d Yankee reg-lashin for five minits or so?" 

"Yes — and the master down our settlemint says he never heern 
tell of sich a rule ; and he's sentimentally of opinion it's a robbin 
a boy of his money by keepin him out a school for nothun no 
how " 

"I tell you what, I heern Bob say he expects Squire Brompton 
is going agin 'em — Clarinse and all " 

"That's my sentiments, 'cos Major Thorntree " 

"No — that's not the why ; but Bob thinks the Squire won't sell 
his lots to them what's to be new comers " 

"Have the gentlemen given up the bargain?" 

"Well, I don't know as they has; but Bob says he expects the 

Squire will think so " 

"What's Sylvan say, Carltin?" 

"I have not heard him say any thing." 



FIFTH YEAR 405 

"You ain't! well, Jake says ole man Hazel told his son's wife, 
that the doctor tell him the Fakilty had been too quick " 

"I do not believe it; for the Faculty acted with the utmost 
deliberation, and " 

"Yes — you always stick to thar side ; but darn my leggins, if I 
ain't powerful glad they did something to turn them out." 

"Why?" 

"Bekase they're sectarians and rats ; and its high time the rest 
on us had a chance. 'Rotashin in offus,' as old Hickery Face 
says — 'rotashin for ever !' " 

"Pick my flint ! if / didn't always say they'd do some high-hand 
something some day, as soon as Clarinse made Polly's step-son 
bring excusis on paper in hand-rite !" 

"Joe Patchin, is Crabstick and Thorntree goin to come back — 
did you a sort a hear?" 

"Crabstick is, maybe — ^but not tother." 

"Why?" 

" 'Cos he said to Liebug when he hired his boss, says he, 'I hope 

I may be rowed up Salt River if ever I cum back agin to school 

any more, if the trustees don't turn out Clarinse and Harwood !' " 
****** 

"And so, Mr. Carltin your Board's a goin to meet !" 
"Yes, the Major is here with his son, and they insist on a meet- 
ing to see who is to blame " 

"Bust my rifle ! we'll dog out the rats now !" 

"Yes, Ned, but if the Faculty have done right " 

"Carltin ! — you're a honest sort a feller — but bust my rifle ! if I 
ever run up a 'count agin in your 'are store, if you vote for the 
fakilty-fellers." 

"Ned ! — I'm sorry you would bribe me to do wrong ; but, Ned, 
a man's bribe is not very powerful, as long as his old account is 

not paid " 

"You needn't a be a hintin round that a way, Carltin — I'll pay 
you now, if you'll take all trade — and bust my rifle! if I'll ever 

buy a pound a lead in this 'ere store agin, no how !" 

****** 

Such are selections from our many long, boisterous, and angry 
dialogues. But pass we to the next chapter, which narrates the 
meeting of our Board. 



CHAPTER LI. 

Vox Populi ! 

"Look as I blow this feather from my face, 
And, as the air blows it to me again. 
Obeying with my wind when I do blow, 
And yielding to another when it blows, 
-Commanded always by the quater gust ; 
Such as the likeness of your common men !" 

Major Thorntree having come a wearisome journey, from a 
love of justice and to promote the welfare of Woodville, (and so 
he always insisted) — our Board could but consent to a meeting; 
especially when the Major expressed his fears that certain states- 
men ^ might unhappily influence the next Legislature to remove 
the College, unless the Faculty were better watched and governed. 
Beside, from the report of his son, who was a very honest boy and 
never said anything to a person's prejudice, and from what had 
been stated to himself since his arrival, by some worthy citizens 
of Woodville, the Major really believed, — (so he said) — that there 
had been gross mismanagement in general by the Faculty, and 
much shameless partiality, and at the expense of his son particu- 
larly. He thought, too, his son's punishment was for a very trivial 
offence, and had been rash, and perhaps, malicious ; at all events, 
it was excessive and arbitrary, aristocratic and unconstitutional ; 
hence, such things must be crushed and resisted now, or there 
would be a speedy union of church and state. 

We, therefore, met. And, first, were convassed and rejected 
many propositions suggested to us by different ones of our num- 
erous lobby-members. Among these proposals were some remark- 
able for boldness, simplicity and ingenuity ; such as "turn 'em rite 
out!" — "send 'em packin !" — "pay 'em and have done with 'em! 
— "don't pay 'em no how!" — "sue for damejis!" But it was 
finally determined by our honourable znsitor, the Major, that we 
should summon the Faculty and hear their defence! Nay — he was 
even willing to have a trial ; as he said witnesses were in attend- 

^ The Major was himself a member of the Legislature; and hence had 
fair opportunities of knowing. 



FIFTH YEAR 407 

ance from the citizens, and he thought it proper also to call on 
all the students for their opinion and testimony ! 

This was adopted, Mr. Carlton crying out in the negative; and 
so, likewise, would have done Dr. Sylvan; but unfortunately just 
at the time of our meeting, the Doctor was forced to go and mix 
medicines and then to visit a patient in a remote part of the 
county ! 

About the same time, Charles Clarence was employed in castle, 
building; or what was the same sort of architecture in the Pur- 
chase — in College building; being seated on "a. cloud capt tower": 
of sublime and solemn view ! But awaked by the braying dis- 
cord of Woodville, he started from his dream! and spite of all 
past experience he was momentarily amazed ! He had caught a 
new glimpse of a many-headed monster ! and its enormous tail ! . 
He became sick at heart ; and the warm blood of generous self- ■ 
devotion in his heart congealed ! He seemed in a vacuum — as if 
all the air was blowing from around him ! Yet, soon he recalled ; 
important truths, such as — "cease from man, whose breath is in 
his nostrils !" — "put not your trust in princes !" 

And when the first bitterness of the soul was past, he remem- 
bered his Divine Master ; who did good to the wicked and thank- 
less ! yea, to enemies ! And he thought the very folly and ignor- 
ance and malice and idleness of a community, were the very 
things Christ's servants must strive to enlighten, remove, correct, 
instruct ! Ashamed then of his momentary alarm, he recalled the 
noble saying of an ancient statesman and warrior, who builded a 
wall in troublesome times ; and he resolved to imitate, and like him 
said, — "What ! shall such a man as I flee !" - 

Meanwhile, rumour had been tramping about with her crescit 
eundo; and, long before the Faculty received our Scytala, they had 
heard her cry — "The Board has told Major Thorntree, the Faculty 
shall be tried and turned right out, and shall be sued for damages 
done the school and the State, and — Woodv-ille, by their uncon- 
stitutional, high-hand, big-buggish, aristocratic yankee notions ! !" 

The accused had nearly a mile to walk to the place of execu- 
tion ; and along the path were strewed the sovereign people to 
see "the fellers go along to git it!" Yet instead of beholding 

2 Nehemiah 6:11. 



4o8 FIFTH YEAR 

"two fellers" sneaking along, like officeholders trembling about 
their bread and butter, they saw two gentlemen proceeding with a 
slow and somewhat studied gait, with heads erect, countenances 
serene, and not rarely illuminated with smiles of mingled pity and 
contempt, benevolence and indignation ! Sneers, therefore, ready 
to curl on noses, and looks of vulgar triumph, with which oj iroWoi 
intended to greet their victims, were changed into remarks and 
looks of vexed admiration; for barbarians of all kinds pay in- 
voluntary honour to calm and fearless conduct in those destined 
to the torture. Indeed, the crowd to-day, was at a loss to say, 
whether the Faculty were going up town to be tried ; or as lords 
and judges to give and interpret the laws. 

On entering the court our gentlemen bowed, and then took sta- 
tions where such could be found ; for all the stools, backless 
chairs, and even bedsides of Dr. Sylvan's room, where we had 
convened, were filled ; and like all ultra fashionables at a jam 
some of us stood, till politeness, necessity, or whim in those seated 
and reclined, gave others a temporary seat. 

A real calm ensued ; we, of course, not knowing how to pro- 
ceed with our prisoners, as we were in the predicament of the 
Pro-consul, who felt the awkwardness of sending a state prisoner 
to Caesar and without any good accusation. But Mr. Clarence 
himself kindly relieved our embarrassment by breaking the ice 
thus: — 

"Gentlemen ^ — We are here, though not as delinquents. We 
come, however, not merely willing, but even desirous that our 
whole official conduct may be subjected to the most rigorous and 
minute investigation. We are confident, if popular clamour be 
disregarded, and improper interference be disallowed, we are con- 
fident we can m)ake the College; and, if it must be a reason for 
the aid or silence of some, we can make the town. We are ready 
then, to give ample and minute explanations to the Board ; or an- 
swer any question of any of its members about our plans, rules, 
maxims — in short — our whole discipline ; and are sure that the 
more " 

Here the Major and without rising broke in — "this is all very 

2 Paul himself said, "Most noble Felix;" and so "genleman" is often a 
title of office. 



FIFTH YEAR 409 

fair, Mr. Clarence, but the Board — (the Major was no member) 
— think you have been hasty and partial ; and / myself, think, as 
my son has been unjustly used, you ought to give some 

satisfaction " 

"I question your right. Major Thorntree," rejoined Clarence, 
to speak thus in the Board; but we waive our objection; and if it 
will satisfy you or the Board, we submit to what you may be 
pleased to call and consider a trial." 

"Well, sir, will you allow the students to appear as witnesses?" 
"Willingly even — that! And yet I know not that such a request 
ought to surprise us more than all the proceedings. Yes, call in 
all the students — let them say what is true — we invite the truth." 
Some one here asked if the boys should take an oath!! 
"No, sir! no, sir! no!" — said Clarence — "by no means — every 
consideration is against it! No! let them speak on honour what 
they know or even believe to be truth ! And beside, we pledge 
our honour that we will never remember to their prejudice what- 
ever disparaging things may be said by them as witnesses." 

A whisper of approbation began to buzz around our lobbies ; 
which sussurration reaching the People without, was answered 
by a gentle "hurrah ! for the Fakilty !" At this the Major was a 
leetle disconcerted. But as he had a little modesty that was 
natural. He, then, remarked : — 

"You seem in good spirits, gentlemen," — (Clarence and Har- 
wood) — "yet if I am allowed to bring in all the testimony, your 
confidence may be weaker. But how shall the boys give their 
testimony, sir?" 

"I will tell you, sir," replied Clarence : "place a chair there : — 
now call in every body, without exception, and in any order 
deemed satisfactory — do not omit even the two suspended boys. 
Then, let the boy in the chair for the time, first tell an unin- 
terrupted story; then let the Major, or any member of the 
Board, ask any questions, leading or otherwise, that he may wish ; 
and then let Professor Harwood and myself have the same 

privilege, and " 

"That's fair! if it ain't, bust my rifle!" — was heard from with- 
out, manifesting a change in favour of the right. And that, as 
was always the case, had a corresponding effect on matters within. 



4IO FIFTH YEAR 

Hence I ventured now on no injudicious interference. The Ma- 
jor, too, was evidently awed by this voice of his masters : and, per- 
haps, certain of our young folks were thus aided in speaking the 
truth, or at least not suppressing it. Whether Clarence designated 
to be so politic is not for me to say ; — but we lived in a log- 
rolling country — and even the best of men will manage in emer- 
gencies. Indeed, our Board and its Major, only wanted the vox 
populi : and Clarence only contrived to make their god speak — ass 
though it often be. 

The students, introduced one by one into the chair, (with a few 
exceptions), gave a united testimony in favour of the Faculty : and 
even young Crabstick said nothing against them, save that they 
ought not to have suspended him — and yet, as it was over, he said, 
he intended to return to school ! The other sprout, Thorntree, re- 
fused to appear. 

The Major, thus far disappointed, now proposed to call in the 
citizens as witness, as "wrong had been done by the Faculty ! but 
that boys stood naturally in awe of their teachers ! ! and, therefore,, 
they did not like to tell all they knew ! ! !" 

Clarence then remarked: — "Had not our amazement all been 
used up, gentlemen, we should certainly be aghast at this ! — but, 
be it so — let our fellow-citizens all come in ; and without an oath 1 
We know ten thousand idle rumours are afloat: — but. if every 
honest man will honourably and fearlessly, like a backwoodsman, 
state exactly, and neither more nor less than what he himself per- 
sonally has seen, heard, and knows about Mr. Harwood and my- 
self, in all our dealing and intercourse with them as citizens, as 
men, as teachers, as Christians — I say, call them in — call them in — 

we are ready " 

(Outside.) 

"Pick my flint — if I know any thing agin the fakiltymen arter 
all " 

"Nor me nuther — bust my rifle if I do!" 

"Well — all I know, I heern Patchin's ole-womun a-sayin' she 
heerd say they was powerful ristocratty " 

"I'm sentimentally of opinyin, Ned, there ain't no use a-goin' 
in, if a feller doesn't know nothun of himself." 

"Bust my rifle, if we're quite sich fools !" 



FIFTH YEAR 411 

"Agreed — them's my sentiments !"' 

"Me too!" 

This thunder on the proper side from the politicians' god, 
was operating to the immediate and honourable discharge of our 
prisoners ; and, perhaps, with an apology for the trouble caused 
them; when the Major announced one citizen as ready to state on 
his own knowledge, things adverse to the Faculty. 

"Who is it, sir?" demanded Clarence. 

"Mendax Liebug." 

"Mr. Liebug! and does Major Thorntree ask this honourable 
Board to believe without an oath, a person not admissible in 
yonder court-house as a witness even ivith an oath? No Atheist 
shall ever testify semi-judicially either for or against me: and I 
trust, gentlemen, this will not be permitted — but, if otherwise, be 
the consequences what they may, the instant Mr. Liebug enters 
that door as a witness, I take my departure out of this." 

Several members of the Board e;>cpressed apprdbat^on of' 
Clarence's sentiments : and the people, led by the Hoosier that 
swore by his rifle, all allowed "it would be most powerful onfair 
to ask folks to believe anybody without swearin,' who couldn't 
take a legal affidavy." And Mr. Mendax Liebug was not admitted. 

As a last attempt to demolish the Faculty, the Major said he 
would rest the whole on diie question and answer, if Mr. Clarence 
was willing. 

"I am willing, sir," — said Clarence, — "proceed." 

The people crowded to hear, won by our Principal's candour and 
readiness — two things all potent with genuine woodsmen : — and 
then the Major, with a triumphant flourish, went on: — 

"Mr. Clarence, you are a preacher ; and the Bible directs us 
to do to others as we would be done by : — well, sir, recall your 
boyish days, and put yourself in my son's place; and, how would 
you have acted, in view of what you deemed small laws, and how 
would you have regarded a Faculty, that had acted as you have 
just acted towards my son?" 

"Why, sir," said Clarence, in reply, "I should have acted just 
as thoughtlessly as your son has acted, and as most young men 
every where occasionally act : — I should, then, probably have 
broken the laws and abused a Faculty ; and, of course, merited and 



412 



FIFTH YEAR 



received what your son merited and received — discipline. Thus I 
thought and should have done when 'a child ;' but having become a 
man, I have put away childish things, and have dealt with your 
son now, as men ought to have dealt with me then." 

"Hah! haw! — perttee powerful smart feller! if that ain't a fair 
answer, bust my rifle ! Come, boys, let's be off — I allow Clarinse 
and 'tother f akilty-man kin manudge collige better nor us. Who's 
goin' squirrillin' — no use wastin' time here no longer no how !" 

And so away went the people ; and away went the Trustees ; and 
away went the Faculty. But the Major and they first shook 
hands, in sign of forgiveness and amity: yet young Thorntree 
was not sent back to school, and the Major was ever more sus- 
pected as an enemy, than loved as a friend. 

The next day, honest Rifle-bust walked into my store, and began 
as follows : — 

"Well — bust my rifle, Carltin, if I wa'rn't most teetotally and 
sentimentally wrong 'bout that fakilty thing. Here, I've brung a 
dozen squirl for your ole-woman — and I want the worth on 'em 
in lead. I'll not settle our whole 'count now — but next week I'll 
get that hoss-beast for you, and in sang time I'll likkefy all " 

"Oh ! no odds, Ned ! I didn't fear an honest man : — only use 
your own eyes and ears, and you'll do people justice — here's your 
lead. Now just step in and see Mrs. Carlton, and she'll play 
you a tune." 

Accordingly, in went Ned ; and directly up struck the piano — 
not with any of your new-fangled fandangos, but with those 
primitive movements — "Polly put the Kettle on" — and — "Go to 

the D and shake yourself," and so forth : and soon could be 

plainly heard Ned kicking to pieces my rag carpet, in what he 
called a dance ; and then Mrs. Carlton's merry laugh, as Ned gave 
a vernacular version of "the rumpus 'tween Clarinse and the 
Major and t'other f akilty-man," and ended with his "sentimentul 
opinyin that the Majur was most teetotally discumfiisticutted, and 
near about as good as chaw'd up." 

Our Board, after this disturbance, met and enacted a code of 
laws for the guidance of the Faculty, and ordained, among other 
matters, that for a first offence, should be private admonition: 
for the second, public admonition and for the third, suspension! 



FIFTH YEAR 413 

This beautiful gradation had been mentioned in some venerable 
old woman's Prize Essay on Education; and was supposed to 
embody the quintescence of all experience in the art of govern- 
ment. It was not, indeed, stated whether the same offence was to 
be committed three times; or three different offences; or if the 
same must be done by three different pupils in succession, or by 
one three times, to secure the benefits of suspension. Nor was 
any thing said about the age, the understanding, the knowledge, 
the temptations, the aggravations of an offender and offence. And 
no notice was taken of looks, words, gestures, &c. &c. — any or all 
of which often accompany one offence, and make it equal to three 
— ay, to three times three ! 

Hence our skillful application of patent gum and gaiunion for 
the teaching of teachers, wrought as the Faculty predicted — two 
offences of the same kind were repeatedly committed by the boys 
collectively and individually, and private and public admonitions 
were as plenty as beech-nuts ; while the ingenuous youth instead 
of doing an old sin once more, did a new one twice ! Indeed, 
nothing was more sport than to get admonition No. 2 ; for the 
"fellows" had come to see plain enough that the Faculty were 
not really masters unless the pupils should be silly enough to give 
them that advantage. 

In this state of affairs, a relative of Liebug's entered the 
school and purposely committed offence No. i. Now No. i had 
been twice committed by other boys, and had been duly rebuked — 
and so No. i was decided by the Faculty in this case, owing to the 
great effrontery of young Brass, to be really No. 3. And, there- 
fore, Mr. Brass, jun. was promptly suspended for one week. 

Immediately Mr. Brass, sen. determined to have a meeting of 
our Board. But we, now convinced that the old woman's or the 
impertinent Mr. Boston's patent-twaddle-rules, could not be made 
to measure into all the sinuosities and around all the angles of 
behaviour in merry and cunning lads ; and that after all, well 
qualified teachers were as competent to judge of things as pert 
or Taylorian lecturers, or persons that have conducted infant- 
schools, or short-hand schools, or steam schools of ever so many 
horse power — we now refused to be called. Whereupon Mr. 
Brass, sen. in order to spite the rats, went and established a 



414 FIFTH YEAR 

Sunday-school in his own house, and taught there gratuitously 
male and female Owenism ! And not satisfied with this revenge, 
he once, in my store, tried to overcome professor Harwood in an 
argument on the truth of the Christian religion ; but in this at- 
tempt he was utterly discomfited, and to the amusement of the 
auditors seated on my counters. Wherefore, Mr. Brass, sen., 
advanced to where Mr. Harwood reclined, and calling up the late 
suspension of young Brass, he said he had now "a powerful 
d mind to thrash him for it." 

This was quite a favourite mode of arguing in the Purchase and 
required much bodily strength and agility. How learned men of 
slender bodies, pale faces, small hands and green spectacles would 
have felt, in prospect of rencontre with such a bear, is doubtful ; 
but our professor, although dressed in store cloth and rather 
dandy looking, betrayed no emotion, and never altered his half- 
recumbent attitude. Yet plain was it, from the flash of his grey 
eyes, and the hard compression of his lips, he was ready to ward 
cfif his antagonist — perhaps, even to spring on the threatening 
brute. This Bruin Brass perceived ; and when Mr. H. coolly re- 
plied "V^ery well, sir ; try it — but maybe you'll find your mistake in 
that argument, as quick as you did in the other," — he affected to 
laugh the whole off as a joke! And happy! if he valued sound 
bones ; for my friend Harwood was a fine square built muscular 
young Kentuckian, from early life used to every feat of strength 
and agility, and able now to lift a barrel of flour in his unaided 
arms, and carry it before him and without trip or pause full fifty 
honest yards ! 

Even the Spiritual Church may put defensive and carnal weapons 
into her children's hands to keep at a distance the sanctimonious 
assassins and murderous snivellers of a canting and unholy 
apostacy ; and so cases do arise, where scholars may and ought to 
repel club logic with knockdown argument. Yea and nay, an 
atheistic bear when about to use violence must be, if possible, re- 
sisted with physics, even as the veritable shaggy-coat himself; 
metaphysics, here, may come afterzi^ards. 

My friend Harwood had conducted the debate as a Christian 
and a gentleman ; and the double rebuke given the atheist, while 
it had no tendency to change his heart, quelled his beastly spirit 



FIFTH YEAR 415 

and controlled his ferocity ; and ever after our Faculty were 

free from all fear of Mr. Brass, sen., and all trouble from 
Mr. Brass, jun. 



CHAPTER LH. 

"You'd scarce expect one of my age, 
To speak in public, on the stage ; 
And should I chance to fall below 
Demosthenes, or Cicero, 
Don't view me with a critic's eye, 
But pass nty imperfections by." 

A GENERAL trucc and cessation of arms had taken place, and 
our Faculty begin to drill the quiescent pupils for a grand exhibi- 
tion to come off this fall. 

This was to be, as is everywhere usual, of speeches, debates 
and compositions. Amendments may be necessary ; but all ex- 
perience and reason itself favour generous emulation and honest 
rivalry in schools ; and nothing better prepares for the stormy 
conflicts of life than the literary sham fights of college societies. 
It is preposterous to train children for a world of romance, or 
for a state possible if all were good. Beside, manly competition 
is intrinsically right; and is promotive of many virtues — and all 
ought early to be inured to arduous and noble contests for mas- 
teries. The opposite doctrine is hateful for its pulling effemi- 
nacy; and at war with our nature (as God made it), and with the 
Scriptures. Thus thought our Faculty; and so they acted — al- 
though evils incident to their course, as to all other excellences 
in this life, were not wanting. 

In due time then, came the week of examinations and exhibi- 
tion ; and all was turned into bustle and merriment in fitting our 
Court-house for the great occasion ! 

How joyous such times to boys ay — to men who retain the 
fresh and healthy feelings of boyhood ! But to our half-reclaimed 
young savages — oh! it was a time of exuberant joy in all its 
phases of fun, frolic, raillery, joke, and expectation! 

And soon all Woodville caught the infection; and all were 



4i6 FIFTH YEAR 

desirous of sharing the work and speculating on its progress. As 
for Carlton, he could not ''tend store ;" and so leaving his boys 
to sell what they could, and devour the remnant of the raisins 
and candy, away went our dignified author, and soon contrived 
to be elected by the boys Grand Master of Ceremonies in general, 
and Stage Fixings in particular! Then what a hauling of boards, 
and planks ! What a streaming over to the Court-house of rag- 
carpets, and calico window curtains ! Oh ! the clatter of candle- 
sticks ! — the pitching of these and other articles on pounds of 
tallow candles done up in brown paper and tow strings ! Gemini ! 
the thundering of plank a-throwing down from two boys' shoul- 
ders, or a-upsetting from a cart ! Cancer ! the whacking ! the 
pounding and nailing! the sawing and hammering and jerking! 
the talking! laughing! screeching! tearing! stamping! quizzing! 
It was a glorious chaos. 

Soon, however, from confusion, came order; and in less than 
two whole days, all was ready ! a short time considering ; for 
though we were thirty persons, only half worked, the rest being 
•occupied in making the fun and hindering. 

The work was, first, the stage. This was erected between the 
doors of entrance into the court-room and opposite the forum or 
judges' seat — that honourable place being transformed into an 
orchestra, our music being to be three fiddles and one triangle. 
The stage-floor was spread with rag-carpets, and the boxing of 
the stairs ascending each from a door to the second story ^ was 
adorned with calico curtains tastefully festooned — the special per- 
formance of some young ladies just returned from being finished 
in a boarding school of the far East ! Front of the stage, in a 
row were candles in appropriate stands ; the tallest candles at the 
ends, and the shortest in the centre, thus presenting a graceful 
curve of light! And all the stands were decorated with fancy 
papers curled and cut and frissled most fantastically; — the work 
of Miss Emily Glenville's boarding-school misses! 

Under the calico festooning stood Windsor chairs for the Fac- 
ulty and the two rival societies ! And near Professor Harwood's 
seat, was a cow-bell of a very soft and mournful voice, whose 
use was to ring out signals for the fiddles and the triangle — not a 

iVid. Vol. I. 



FIFTH YEAR 417 

classic signal truly, yet one to which our musicians were accus- 
tomed, and not wholly at variance with the harmonies produced. 
Indeed, even to our own cultivated ears never came sounds so 
delicious as those of a cow-bell, which once ravished me with its 
sudden tinkle when lost in the woods ! Hence as associations like 
utilities render things pleasant, our cow-bell signal was not un- 
acceptable to our woodsmen. It was, also, a peculiar link con- 
necting rough and softened life; and it forcibly reminded us of 
the 7;///^' of human kindness ! 

Our seats. These were of doubled planks, resting on joist, 
logs, benches, or other planks placed edgeways. Of these, not 
one cracked, split, or tumbled over during the exhibition : hence, 
considering their loads and the stamping they endured in the 
applauses, — and every thing was applauded, — we have proof that 
our work was well done, if not expeditiously. 

On the evening preceding the exhibition, the Rev. Principal 
Clarence entered my store to obtain a pair of pumps, wishing to 
tread the stage in elastic style; and nothing so conduces to this 
ease and grace as a handsome stocking and a becoming shoe. Yet, 
in vain, was every drawer, trunk, or box containing either shoe or 
shoe-leather rummaged and re-rummaged, no pump turned up : 
and the gentleman was about to withdraw and make up his mind 
to walk the boards in a shapeless two-soled pair of calf-skin 
boots. But just then I had mechanically opened a drawer of 
female shoes; when some very large and coarse moroccos ap- 
peared, with straps to be joined by a steel buckle, and Clarence 
exclaimed : — 

"Stop! Carlton, the very thing!" 

"Where?" 

"Why, those machines of the softer sex." 

"Ha! ha! he! — what! wear a woman's shoe?" 

"Certainly — if I can find any small enough — " 

"Buckle and all?" 

"Oh! no: my wife will razee the straps, and then the affairs 
will look masculine enough ; and we can tie them with ribbon, 
pump-fashion." 

"That will answer, I do believe: sit down and try." 

A pair was selected, yet perversely bent on spreading side- 



4i8 FIFTH YEAR 

v/ays, when pressed with the foot; but that tendency, it was 
hoped, would be corrected by the new mode of tieing: and hence 
the man of learning departed with his bargain. That night the 
shoes were cropped ; and the Principal, by way of rehearsal, was 
walking in them in his parlour, when in came several senior 
pupils to make come inquiry about the exhibition. In a moment 
the transmuted articles caught their eyes, and so captivated their 
fancy that they must ask whence were procured shoes so light and 
tasteful? On learning, and being taught how the sex could be 
so readily changed, off set they for my store : and the con- 
sequence was, that soon all the students came for morocco non- 
descripts, and we sold during the next day about thirty pairs ! 
Hence I became a more decided friend of the college than ever. 
Yes, academies are useful! I cleared by this one speculation just 
thirty dollars ! True, I lost about five dollars by not charging the 
usual New Purchase per centage : but then we must sacrifice some- 
thing for the advancement of learning, and virtue is not always 
profitable! 

The grand evening came at last : and long ere candle light, our 
young gentlemen — (gentlemen, surely, when about to speak 
in ladies' shoes) — could be seen running into and out of and 
around the court-house, busy as bees, and with sundry bundles 
and packages. For, rain being threatened, it had been concluded 
to dress and put on the fine shoes up stairs, one society occupy- 
ing the jury room, the other the council chamber. 

Finally, the signal for assembling was given by the school 
bell, half a mile distant, and by a tin horn in the centre of Wood- 
ville, being the sacred trumpet lately blown to convoke us to the 
exhibitions at the camp-meeting: and then in rushed all Wood- 
ville to fill the vacant seats. But strange! the vacant seats had 
been filled an hour before ; enough girls and young ladies having 
been smuggled in by the gallant students and a few Woodville 
bucks. And among the number there sat the ladies of the Profes- 
sors' families — and all the girls of Miss Glenville's establishment 
— and that important personage herself — and Mrs. Carlton — and 
even Aunt Kitty Littleton herself, done up in a bran new crimped 
cap and pink ribbon ! 

As to Mr. Carlton, in consideration of his superintendence and 



FIFTH YEAR 419 

his musical penchant, he was honoured with a Windsor chair in 
the orchestra, and adjacent to the fiddles and triangles! Indeed, 
Dan Scrape had invited Mr. C. to play : although the honour had 
been declined, first, because J. Glenville, who had borrowed our 
flute and fiddle, had come over to the exhibition and forgotten to 
bring back the instruments! — (sub rosa, he left them behind pur- 
posely) — secondly, Mr. C. could not play any instruments but his 
own; and thirdly, Mr. C. was afraid, as he had never practiced 
with Dan, that he could not "keep up," and so on. When we 
and the fiddles and triangles entered a little late and through a 
back window, behold ! a dozen of the "rabble" were crowded into 
our sacred enclosure! — (Notice here, in public places all that can- 
not get into seats are rabble.) However, after I had squeezed 
into my Windsor chair, along side the leading fiddle, Dan whis- 
pered for my consolation, and with a smile and a wink — "Never-a 
mind. Mister Carltin, we'll fix it afore long." 

As if by magic, at a private signal, forth blazed the candles 
in front of the stage; and some two dozen others stuck to the 
walls by double pronged forks : and then to us was displayed the 
whole audience, and to them the stage and its fixins. In some 
points this audience was similar to others ; but it contained more 
gems in unpolished and dull caskets than some eastern congrega- 
tions. Hoosiers, Woolverines, Buckeyes, and the like, were pres- 
ent, and of the most unbrushed, unpomatumed, unadulterated 
sorts — purer than are there now : for, like the red aborigines, the 
white and brown sorts are fast disappearing ! Poor fellows ! that 
very night they witnessed the entrance of what would become 
their ruin! 

Unused to the glory of polished candlesticks, and cut and friz- 
zled papers, all eyes momentarily gazed upon the stage in silent 
wonder! In the next instant, and with one consent, burst such 
a hurrah, as cracked the ears of the groundlings — yea! shook 
the glass in the windows! It did seem the very walls would be 
split ! Nor was it a mere hurrah ; for many an Indian fighter 
was present that night ; and these sent out such yells and war 
cries as made one instinctively clap his hand to his head to ascer- 
tain if the scalp was safe ! 

Following the uproar came the modest buzz of individual won- 



420 FIFTH YEAR 

derments and critiques, such as : — "Look at that yallur one, Joe !" 
— "Most powerful shiney them are !" — "Ain't them are red things 
rity-dity poseys? — "Law! no Dick, them's paper fixins!" — "Well, 
I never?" — "I say, Jake ain't them danglings up there like Carl- 
tin's ole woman's curtins !" — "Pick my flint !" — "Darn my leggins 
— its powerful big-buggy!" — "How'd them lite so quick?" — "Dipt 
in tarpentine — don't you smell it?" But in the midst appeared 
descending, the rival societies, each by separate stairs : each headed 
by a Professor; and entering simultaneously each at opposite 
parts of the stage ! And when all were seated, the Faculty in the 
centre, and the students right and left, the smallest next and the 
largest at the extremities ; all in new suits of store cloth, and with 
appropriate badges gracefully inserted through button holes, and 
waving triumphantly from their arms also ; all in starched collars 
and black neck ribbons ; and all in female slippers, and so altered 
as to pass for males — the yells of greeting were absolutely terrific ! 
Professor Harwood was now seen shaking the cow bell : but 
though its mellow tinkle was inaudible, the fiddles and triangles, 
seeing the pendulum motion, knew what was needed : and hence 
they essayed to strike up Hail Columbia ! Still nothing of a tune 
could be heard; although from the bewildering activity of bows 
and elhoivs, it was manifest something nice was doing; till by dint 
of sight in some, and bawlings out of "Silence!" by others, the 
audience in the pit became quiescent. In the interim, we of the 
orchestra began to have more room : for most of the rabble near 
the fiddlers, especially near Dan, the Primo, had got hints to make 
room, in the form of hits, some in the stomach, some in the face 
and eyes, and some under the lugs — all of course naturally re- 
quired by the laws of motion and melody ! Indeed, it was plain 
enough that there was more danger in standing so near good 
fiddlers than folks had ever imagined ! And, therefore, our un- 
invited soon compressed into one corner ; and from a sincere wish 
not to incommode the music ! And thus, by the kindness of Dan, 
whose wink and smile were now understood and his mode of 
"fixin it," I enjoyed my windsor chair in ampler space; at least 
while tunes were executed. 

For this kindness, and because our executioners were so essen- 
tial to the exhibition, we shall hand them down in history — they 
shall be immortalized! 



FIFTH YEAR 421 

Dan Scrape, the fiddle primo, was by far the prince of the 
New Purchase catgut and horsehair men. Like Paganini, he 
could play on one string, if not an entire tune, yet parts of 
nearly two dozen tunes — his whole stock ! And like that maestro, 
he played without notes, and with endless variations and em- 
bellishments ! Ay! and he played no worse on one shift or posi- 
tion than another ! Still, Dan differed from the Italian in some 
things ; for instance, he held his fiddle against his breast, (perhaps 
out of affection,) and his bow in the middle, and like a cart-whip; 
things enabling him, however, the more effectually to flog his 
instrument when rebellious ; and the afflicted creature would 
scream right out in agony ! Indeed his Scremonah bore marks of 
premature old age — its finger-board being indented with little 
pits, and its stomach (vulgarly, in the East, the belly), was 
frightfully incrusted with rosin and other gummy things, till it 
looked as dark and care-worn as Methusaleh ! Dan was, truly, no 
niggard of "rosum," for he "greased," as he termed it, between 
his tunes every time! and then at his first few vigorous jerks, fell 
a shower of dust on the agitated bosom of his instrument, calling 
out in vain for mercy under the cruel punishment ! 

Dan's main difference from Paganini was in using his left hand 
to bow. And yet this better enabled him to make room ; for per- 
sons going to the left for safety, met the accidental hits where least 
expected, — like Ehud, who not noticing the left hand of Sham- 
gar, got what English bullies call his gruel, from the wrong 
quarter !''^ 

Let us not, however, do Dan injustice. He certainly did, out 
of benevolence, administer some wilful and hard blows, and yet 
keep an unconscious phiz ; but when Dan was fairly possessed 
with the spirit of fiddling, he never even dreamed he had an 
elbow ! Then his arm was all elbow ! The way it jumped up and 
down 1 and darted back and forth ! — the velocity was too dizzy to 
look at ! But then, if a spectator valued his eyes, let him stand 
clear of the bow's end! — not the point, that was always safe 
enough on the strings — but the heel or slide end, which never visit- 
ing the fiddle, was ever flourishing about almost invisible, with 
reckless indifference and the force of a bullet ! In truth, Dan 
always fiddled like a race-horse; and if he got one bar's start, I 



422 FIFTH YEAR 

defy any body to have ever overtaken him! But some favourite 
tunes he played like a tornado ; such as "the Irish Washerwoman," 
— and above all, that satanic rondo, "the D. among the T's. And 
I know this is not exaggeration ; for once on my asking Hunting 
Shirt Andy, who was a good judge, what he thought of Dan's 
playing, he unhesitating declared that "Dan Scrape played the 
fiddle like the very devil !" 

The second fiddle was a pupil of Dan's. And the master had 
evidently taken great pains with his — finger-board, it being 
crossed with white paint to guide the pupil's fingers, who still 
usually hit wide of the mark in his haste to overtake his teacher ! 
He is called second fiddle, not because he did alto or tenor, but 
because he was usually behind the first fiddle in time; nay, 
he was sometimes so utterly lost, that Dan would tell him to stop, 
and "start in when the tune kim round agin !" 

Some may think these defects made discords ; but then this was 
compensated by the two fiddles never being tuned alike, accuracy 
of stop being thus rendered less important ; and above all, be- 
cause the exquisite triangle completely obliterated, filled up, and 
jingled into one all mistakes, vacancies, and discords! 

I shall only further remark, that the professor of the triangle 
was actually self-taught ! and yet he could outjingle any thing of 
the sort I ever heard, even if aided by the cymbals and musical 
bells! 

"But what of the third fiddle?" 

Let Dan answer, who, after the execution of Hail Columbia, 
thus whispered me: — "Tim Scratch know'd better nor to come! 
he's not sick no how — it's all possum ! He's no fiddler! I kin out 
fiddle him if he lives for ever and a day longer — and plays on 
Sundays !" 

And so it was: and neither Mr. Carlton nor any other man who 
values reputation ought to play with Dan Scrape. 

The Reverend Principal Clarence now arose, and in pumps and 
silk stockings advanced and made something like the following 
address : — 

"Ladies and gentlemen" — (a kind of don't-gentleman-me-look 
of certain hearers, made him add) — "and my respected fellow- 
citizens, we rejoice to meet so large an assembly and so full 



FIFTH YEAR 423 

of good spirits, come to attend our first exhibition. It is natural 
you should be here : it is your own school, and these are your 
own sons and relatives, who are now to show before you their 
improvement to-night. We are here, fellow-citizens, to witness 
what Western boys can do ; and let me say, that while far from 
perfection, our boys, if not embarrassed, will not disgrace our 
wooden country. We say embarrassed ; for any confusion or 
noise accidentally made by our respected fellow citizens present, 
in time of a speech or other exercise, will hinder our unpractised 
speakers from doing themselves justice. We depend, of course, 
on the honour of our hearers, not giving any order on the sub- 
ject, or making even a request, as is often necessary in the East; 
because here, in the free West, where all do as they please, Back- 
woodsmen naturally behave according to the maxims of good 
sense." — (''Bust my rifle! if that ain't the truth," interrupted 
Ned, — "we'll show 'em how to behave, Mr. Fakilty!") — "Just as 
I said, stranger," — resumed Clarence — "and, therefore, we shall 
say no more, but will instantly proceed with the exercises." 

This was ferociously clapped and stamped ; and then the exer- 
cises proceeded, the cow-bell being duly rung, first for the music 
to begin and then for it to cease. In the latter case the bell owed 
its efficiency to Mr. Carlton, as Dan was always more ready to 
begin than to finish a tune. And hence, and as the orchestra was 
louder than the bell, we went by sight ; but Dan never could see 
the wag of the bell, till Mr. C. gave him a hunch on the ofif-side; 
and then his Scremonah hushed up, like a cholicy child that had 
screeched itself to sleep ! Had Mr. Carlton been on the bow-side, 
he must have poked Dan with a stick, or met something tragical ; 
but like the fox in ^sop, he had learned from the hits of others. 

It is unnecessary to detail the events of that memorable night. 
All the students were applauded; and not a few with the ad- 
mixture of Indian yells, so like the savage-savage, that the animals 
could, like the ass-lion, be detected only by the skin ! Certain 
speeches, too, political in their nature, and admirably delivered, 
caused the audience to lose sight of the exhibition, and hurrah 
for Jackson or Clay as on the election ground. And these speak- 
ers, with one exception, became politicians, and are even yet, 
most of them, figuring before the world. The people generally 



424 FIFTH YEAR 

behaved as Ned Stanley (our friend Rifle-Bust), promised, and as 
Western folks always do behave, if one shows a disposition to 
conciliate and will employ a little innocent flattery ; not that they 
are deceived by such, but that they take it as a sign of your de- 
siring to please and put them on honour. 

Let, however, a self-complacent gentleman, full of city impor- 
tanre and strut essay, in a dictatorial way, to manage a free and 
wild assembly in the world of woods and prairies — and if he is not 
shut up in a manner that shall clean wipe the conceit out of him, 
then is my opinion a mistake. He may order a hackman, or a 
porter, or a quill-driver, or a sawyer — but if he dare order free- 
men of the forests and the meadows, they will ride him on a rail ; 
and, in spite of his stocks, brick houses, fine equipage, whiskers 
and curled hair! 

The speeches, excepting a few humourous ones, were all origi- 
nal ; and equal to the best in our schools and colleges concocted 
from the living and the dead. Generally the young men of a New 
Purchase are superior to the young gentlemen of old settle- 
ments, in both scholarship and elocution ; and for the follow- 
ing reasons : 

1. The young men come to learning as a novelty. It is opposite 
to the monotony of woods, cabins, pork, corn, and axes. Hence 
nothing exceeds their interest and curiosity ; and it is long, under 
a judicious teacher, before the novelty ceases; and afterwards 
the habit of hard studying supplies the place. 

2. The young men regard learning as the lever to elevate them 
— or by which the New World may cope more fairly with the 
Old. Hence, day and night, they work vi et armis at the machine ; 
until they even get higher than the young gentlemen who work 
lazily and feebly. 

3. The young men have more energy than the young gentle- 
men; and this directed by enthusiastic masters in learning pro- 
duces great results. 

4. New Purchases have few temptations to idleness and dissi- 
pation. Indeed, as war among the Spartans, so Colleges there 
are to the young men recreations, and more delightful than 
anything else. 

5. Ten dollars a year — the tuition fee — was too hard for our 



FIFTH YEAR 425 

young men to obtain, lightly to be squandered. And ten dol- 
lars with us would buy ten acres nearly ; hence they who value 
land as a great earthly good, spend not a small farm once a year 
for the privilege of being idle. Young gentlemen often waste two 
such a year on sugar candy! 

6. Young men are inquisitive like Yankees ; and hence, they 
ask endless questions not contained in Parley-books. And by 
this method of torturing professors, more is often extracted than 
by torturing nature. 

7. Young men out there are in more immediate contact with 
professors ; hence, if the professors be themselves men, the ad- 
vantages of the old Roman way of education may be combined 
with the modern ways. 

We have seven more reasons, which, however, we shall not 
inflict in the First edition ; but to fortify the seven and to con- 
clude the exhibition, we shall present minute accounts of two 
young men, who were among our stars. And as these stars still 
shine, the one fixed, the other wandering, in the political firma- 
ment, we may only designate them as the George and the Henry. 

George possessed not uncommon talents ; unless perseverance 
be a talent, and that he did possess in so great a degree as to 
make it a substitute for genius. He is our fixed star. Many knew 
of his untiring patience and plodding diligence, and were im- 
pressed with a belief he would, after all, make something; but 
none expected him to shine forth tonight a star of the first 
magnitude. Not only was he great compared with himself, but 
with all others; and his composition on the life, character, and 
writings of Cicero was admirably written and rnost happily 
spoken. I was myself amazed, fired, captivated, and even in- 
structed ; and, after the exercises ended, I sought him, for he was 
one of my favourites, and said : 

"Why George ! you did nobly ! surely that composition cost you 
no small labour?" 

"Thank you, Mr. Carlton. As to the piece — (I have no desire 
to pass for a genius) — it did cost me thought and labour — / 
carefully studied and re-wrote it thirty-six times." 

Well ! that was one young Man. The other, Henry, although 
never among my favourites, will even more forcibly sustain our 



426 FIFTH YEAR 

reasons. In a pecuniary sense, he was a poor boy even for the 
Purchase ; and lived, in homely phrase, from hand to mouth. In- 
deed the loss of a day's job, made his mouth that day debtor for 
its food ; and hand, on the next occasion, did double duty. He 
was, however, rich in expedient, and hesitated at no job, odd or 
even ; although, it is to be regretted, he did not sometimes refuse 
employments not strictly honourable. And yet even that may be 
palliated. But no apology can ever atone for his occasional in- 
gratitude and even positive injury to benefactors, when a few 
dollars were the price gained by his desertion of duty and 
honour. 

No sooner, however, had the Seminary been organized, than 
Henry determined to obtain a good education. He had credit 
enough to procure some decent clothes and necessary books ; but 
as five dollars, cash, and in advance, were to be paid to our 
Treasurer, Henry was forced to look for a few lucrative jobs; 
and hence, he one morning presented himself at my store and 
commenced : 

''Well, Mr. Carlton, I've got books and clothes ; but I've no 
silver to pay the session-bill — kin you give a feller no job what 
will bring silver?" 

"Really, Henry, I don't know that I can ; — but stay ! we've lost 
our cow — will you take half a dollar a day in cash to look her up ?" 

"Ay ! will I ; — when did she put out ? — what kind of a crittur 
is she? — which way, think she went? &c., &c." 

Satisfied as far as possible in his inquiries, away went the lad 
to the woods. At the end of two days he came back, cowless, 
indeed, but after a painful search through thickets, along creeks, 
and over hills ; and during which, he had camped out alone in the 
night. Our hero had thus one dollar of the tuition fee. 

About this time we had ceased from digging a well, after find- 
ing no water at twenty-five feet; although we had employed a 
great hazel-wizzard ; and his rod had repeatedly turned down 
over the spot, and that so hard as to twist off a little of the bark. 
Even the diviner was quite at a loss to account for the failure ; in- 
sisting yet the water must be lower, as "his rod never twisted so 
powerful arnest if they want water somewhere !" 

Now Henry was of the same opinion ; annd, therefore, bringing 



FIFTH YEAR 427 

Mr. Hum, the wizard (or witch, there so called) to me, the two 
prevailed on me to go only four feet lower — Henry undertaking 
the job at fifty cents per foot! I had supposed the boy would 
have a comrade to work his windlass ; but no, down went Henry 
alone with the necessary implements; and after digging, and 
breaking, and prying, and shovelling, up the ladder he came, let 
down his empty bucket, descended, filled the bucket, reascended, 
wound up his load, and so on till he had cleared out "his diggins !" 
And away he went again to work with hammer and sledge, bar, 
spade, shovel, and bucket; till, within a week, our well was four 
feet deeper and Henry two dollars richer ! But although water 
was "somewhere," it had not risen in our part of the world; — 
the bottom of the pit was still as dry and comfortable as an 
oven! 

Our hero in similar ways procured the other two cash dollars ; 
and by the aid of some student's mastering in private several 
elementary studies, he was, at the opening of the next session, 
matriculated as something more than a Freshman. And now, while 
attending his regular studies, he still by jobbing maintained his 
mouth and laid by a few dollars for books and future tuition fees. 
He contrived even to be appointed sub-deputy librarian of the 
Woodville Library, adding thus to his information and funds; 
and, as if all this were not enough, he one day waited on Mr. 
Clarence to ask if the school-laws would permit him to study 
law and remain a student ! 

"Study law! — Henry?" — said Clarence. 

"Yes, sir; lawyer Cravings will find me books; and thinks in a 
year or two I can plead before magistrates. K it is not against 
the laws " 

"Why, certainly we have no law against that ; such a case was 
never imagined as probable or possible. Do, however, not neglect 
your regular college studies, and then, it is nobody's business what 
else you may study or learn." 

Our young man, sure enough, went to work at the law, Hoosier- 
f ashion indeed, and still attended well to his regular studies ; and 
in two weeks before the exhibition, he did actually defend and 
win a cause before Squire Snab, and against and from the re- 
doubtable lawyer Cravings himself — and, with the contingent fee, 
he paid our treasurer the tuition price of the next term ! 



428 FIFTH YEAR 

Very good, young gentlemen! laugh at all this if you please. 
But had you heard Henry, ranking now about Sophomore, de- 
liver at the exhibition, his Speech on Man, you would have 
offered, as is usual in here, a price for it, in view of your Senior 
Speech ! Come ! I will bet you two dozen raccoon skins against a 
pair of kid gloves, or even a pot of cold cream, that if you wrote 
your own speech, when you were graduated, it was not as good 
as his! 



CHAPTER LHI. 

"Such a noise arose, 

As the shrouds make at sea in a stiff tempest; 
As loud, and to as many tunes; hats, cloaks, 
(Doublets, I think,) flew up; — and had their faces 
Been loose, this day they had been lost. Such joy 
I never saw before." 

Some may wish to know how our Faculty spent vacations in 
the woods. As to Clarence, in term time, he preached twice on 
Sabbath, and sometimes oftener; beside, lectures in the week, and 
the like, — but, in vacations, he commonly did more. This very 
vacation, he once walked five miles in the rain ; preached an 
hour and a half in the open air; and then walked back the same 
distance to Glenville's new cabin, on the river. Our preacher 
was, what is called a laborious minister : and yet his ecclesiastical 
stipend, and that in trade, averaged only fifty dollars per annum! 
yea ! he has even been without a morsel of food in his house, or a 
stick of wood for a fire — and, in a cold winter day, lay thus sick 
and deserted ! 

Clarence, however, would laugh a little: but, then, for this, 
Carlton was usually to blame. Hence, we do hope "the brethren," 
when reading this work, will be careful to condemn the right 
person — and that, not too severely; as the author, a somewhat 
ubiquitous man, has had the pleasure of hearing Bishops, Priests, 
and Deacons, as well as the inferior ministers, preachers, and ex- 
horters, do secular laughing, beside "making merry" with friends, 
according to the Scriptures. 



FIFTH YEAR 429 

Thus our Faculty, in vacations, did often, what classical people 
do elsewhere — nothing! Sometimes, they did next to nothing — 
smoking! and very often they did — cutting-up! And this last 
consists in cracking nuts and jokes — racing one another, and slam- 
ming doors — in upsetting chairs, and even kicking up carpets ! 
Great wisdom, however, and art and tact, and gentlemanly feel- 
ing, are requisite for the cut-up ; and specially in knowing where 
and when to cease: and, of all men, to do the thing right, Har- 
wood, Clarence, Glenville, and Carlton were just "the dandy!" 
If the affair is not done up to the point — it is teasing; if beyond 
— it is horse-play; but if in medio tutissitui — it is the most tick- 
ling and exhilatory ! — better to provoke laughter than all the jest- 
books in existence. The cut-ups were usually in wet weather. 

In dry times, our literati strolled into the forests ; where miner- 
alogy, botany, and natural history, suggested by dark masses of 
rough rocks, or curious stones and shells, never before handled 
by moderns ; or by enormous wild flowers, with cups large enough 
to hold two thimbles-full of dew ; or by a startled snake, ringing 
his warning under prostrate trunks on or near which the learned 
stood ; or, by crackling brush and whirling leaves, where shone a 
streak of bounding wolf or glancing deer — became recreations de- 
taining our friends till dinner was deferred until tea, and tea 
until supper, when all were devoured as one ! Perhaps the mind 
never so marched towards the west, as once when Clarence and 
Harwood, and several visiting literati, were seen by the Author, 
all in a line, knee-deep and wading towards the occidental sun, 
through the fresh- fallen leaves ; and thus discussing, — at one 
time, the Greek Tragedians, — at another, the Calculus and the 
Analytical Geometry! It was the only time the Author ever 
witnessed the Grand Abstraction embodied and embattled ! And 
he feels elated as the White Man who talked — (in Judge Hall's 
Works) — to the very Indian whose great-paternal grandfather had 
actually heard of the man whose father had seen the skeleton of a 
Gopher ! 

Often, too, would I seduce the Faculty into a hunt, by quoting 
the Greek of Xenophon, where Cyrus the Elder inflames his 
comrades, by descriptions of wild boars that rushed on the hunt- 
er's spear like warriors in battle, and of deer that leaped — oh! 



430 . FIFTH YEAR 

how high ! But this vacation, I proposed a party, to visit and ex- 
plore a cave just discovered by a hunter in pursuit of a fox, 
that darted down a sink-hole and disappeared, in an opening among 
some rocks. 

In any village is it difficult, but especially in a New Purchase 
one, to keep such intention secret. Soon, then, was it bruited 
through Woodville, that Carlton was making up a party for the 
cave; when further invitation was useless, our main art now being 
to keep out some, whose "room was better than their company." 
And this must be done without seeming to interfere with people's 
liberty of going where they liked. The prevention was partly 
accomplished by fixing on no definite day; and deferring, till 
some became weary of waiting and left town, or so engaged that 
going would then be impossible. Some, also, were specially 
asked; but not before it had been ascertained that small chance 
existed of their obtaining horses. This was the case with the 
Doolittles; who, as we rode by the morning of the expedition, 
answered somebody's ^ expressions of regret that we should be 
deprived of the pleasure of their company, with — "Well ! thank 
you all the same for the invite — next time we'll look up nags and 
critters a smart chance quicker !" 

Unexpectedly, one fine morning, the rising sun shedding hori- 
zontals of light and shade over our village, were revealed one 
dozen horses at Carlton's rack, and about an equal number in 
other places, accoutred and accoutring — (passively) ; — and, there- 
fore, shortly after "sun up" where we could see him, a report 
was spread that Carlton's party was going to the cave to-day. But 
rumour was not long requisite to advertise; since every man, 
woman, boy, girl, and child of the party became, about 8 o'clock, 
A. M., notifier, while our cavalcade dashed through the village, 
talking, cantering, whipping, joking, spurring, laughing! while 
some screamed, "come on, thare, behind!" and some, "not so 
blame fast, thar,' in front!" and others in piteous accents, "La! if 
I ain't dropt my ridicul'!"" — "Awh! stop' won't you?" — "This 
darn'd ole guth's a-bustin' !" Oh ! it was a glorious hubbub ! 

1 This was young Capus Smileal ; who was aware, I fear, how the matter 
was. He would do well in here among his relations the Smootheys and 
Glibs. 

2 Reticule. 



FIFTH YEAR 431 

Alas ! how dignity forgot decorum that delicious morning ! 
Even our literati, the teachers of proprieties and all that, even 
they lost sight of Lord Chesterfield! Why, reader! they laughed 
outright like the vulgar! They rode with one foot only in a 
stirrup, and let the other dangle! They jumped down to pick up 
Polly Logrul's "bag as had her handkichif in!" And more — they 
pelted the girls at a distance with acorns, beech-nuts, and horse- 
chestnuts ! switched Hoosier-dandies' horses, to make them kick- 
up! rear! run! and what not! And if the grave folks behaved so 
— what did the others ? 

Ah ! dear Precise ! does happiness consist in skin-tight garments? 
in a hat or bonnet stuck to the pate in a style? in tying one's 
limbs to the dull earth by straps under boots? in moving with a 
graceful and pointed toe, and fingers curved and adjusted, and 
neck arched in magazine fashion? and in riding horses with 
trained gait — in smirking, and simpering, and lisping, by rule? If 
so : go not to a New Purchase ! Above all, go not with the natives 
to explore a cave ! Depend on it — you will break your straps ! 
your corset-string, male or female ! and derange your curls ! 
Solemnly — it will spoil your looks! — those, at least, your milliner, 
and tailor, and perfumer gave you! But if no regard for your 
makers' reputations deter you — I tell you it will break your — 
necks ! 

One may ride a trained horse, handsomely caparisoned, on 
macadamised ways, and sit perpendicular and graceful, while the 
beast does his theatrical starts and plunges at certain secret pulls, 
touches, and words : but put the same rider on the mischievous, un- 
broken, wild "crittur" of the woods, moving in a compound of all 
gaits, and starting, plunging, kicking, and biting extemporane- 
ously ; and on a saddle that does not fit, and with a girth that will 
break; and this in a gully road, a snaggy ravine, an impeded 
trace, or a tangled and pathless woods ; — and then if the rider for- 
get not dignity, and grace, and rules, adieu to his seat ! and maybe 
adieu to whatever brains nature, or, more likely. Phrenology may 
have given him! Situations occur in both the moral and the 
natural worlds, where a man becomes a law unto himself — and 
such are often in the west. But this is digression. 

Our party was to consist of one dozen adults; — (children are 



432 



FIFTH YEAR 



never counted out there, but go, not as shadows — they are mere 
accretions) — yet spite of the effort to be exclusive, our select 
company swelled to nearly thirty ! And this before we set out ! and 
then so great was the excitement produced, that some who had 
abandoned the intention of going, suddenly resumed it; so, that 
just after our entering the woods, a clatter of hoofs and uproar 
of voices and leaves were close in the rear ! and there was a hand- 
some addition to the cave party of some dozen more! Among 
others, was a hunting crony of mine, Domore: and behind on 
his horse he carried two of the Doolittles ! Other horses had 
duplex riders too ; and when such all got into Indian file, nothing 
could be seen except legs on the ground kicking dry leaves, and 
legs in the air kicking horse sides — that being answered instantly 
by a very venomous switching of horse tails, and an occasional and 
extra performance of horse heels. 

Perhaps the increased company was also owing to this : several 
affianced lovers were of the party; and rumour, with more of ro- 
mance than reality, had said, that more than two couples were to 
be married in the cave under ground ! Oh ! what a temptation — 
a Hoosier wedding in a new-found cave! But the sternness of 
truth forbids ; yet the Talemaquers must not steal this idea : when 
I write fiction I shall make a story out of it myself. 

Seven miles from Woodville we reached the cabin of the 
hunter, who had discovered the cave. Here we got ample direc- 
tions ; not, indeed, from the male hunter — he was absent — but 
from Mrs. Hunter. These are here condensed for the guidance 
of the reader, in case he may want to visit the cave for curiosity 
or consumption. 

DIRECTIONS OF MRS. HUNTER. 

"Well, stranjurs, I warn't never at that are cave; but I often 
heern him tell on it; and I allows I kin a sort a pint out the 
course ne'er on about as well as Bill himself kin. Now, look 
here — you must put off ahind the cabin down the branch till you 
amost about come to ole Fire-Skin's trace — (an Indian once trad- 
ing there) — and thare a kind a take off a sort a so like — (point- 
ing S. S. West) — and that'll bring you to Hickory Ridge; whare 
you must keep down like, but a sort a leetle barin up, till you 



FIFTH YEAR 433 

strike B'ar Waller — (a creek) — and thare keep rite even on strate 
ahead till you gits to Rock-Ford — and some wher strate ayond is 
near about whare Bill fust seed the wolf or fox, I disremember 
which on 'em 'twas — but no odds no how — only foUer on thare, 
a turning though left; and a leetle ayond is the sink holes: — and 
'twas one on 'em the varmint tuk into — I don't know the hole, but 
it is a powerful big one, and about as round as a sugar kittle." 

In the party were folks that had killed turkeys on Hickory ; 
fought bruins on Bear Wallow ; hunted deer around Rock Ford ; 
yet had we not fortunately encountered Bill himself, near Fire- 
Skin's trace, and received directions a little different, we should, 
indeed have, found the sink holes — but not the cave. That was 
in a sink by itself, half a mile from the others, in size less than the 
least, and without any shape whatever — a place none save a fox 
or a hunter could ever have found ! 

But that place, by Bill's directions, was reached. And now the 
nature of the next operation being better understood, our explor- 
ing party became small if not select. Some ten feet down, after 
scratching through briars and bushes, we espied a rat hole, or 
to make the most of it, an opening thirty inches long by eighteen 
wide; excepting where sharp points of rock projected and made 
the aperture an inch or two less. And this hole was the veritable 
door of the cavern! This was manifest from the worn trace of 
some kind of beasts ; but mainly from Domore's report, who 
crawled in backward, and in five minutes crawled out head fore- 
most, saying — "He backed in a rite smart chance, yet arter a 
while he finded he could a kinder sorter stand up — and then he 
kim out to sartify the kumpine." 

Immediately commenced a metaphorical backing out : most of 
the ladies declared at once they never ivonld crawl into such a 
place ! Some also refused out of cowardice ; and some were 
bound to refuse by tight corslets and other bandages. Yet some 
half dozen, and among them Mrs. Clarence and Mrs. Cailton 
(who usually kept together), defying natural and conventional 
objections, said they would follow the preacher, as he could ex- 
orcise foul spirits f and as to other inhabitants, they would leave 
them to Domore and the other brave hunters with us. Some 

3 That dirty work is better done now by his Holiness.'* 
* The reader will have noticed from several passages the intense and 
intolerant anti-Catholic bias of the author. 



434 FIFTH YEAR 

gentlemen that wished to go in, had to remain with the recusant 
ladies : and some hardy bucks, with rifles, preferred hunting an 
hour or two "to crawlin on all fours under the airth like darn'd 
brute critturs !" But this was "possum" — these latter feared to be 
cut out, and intended to stay above ground and improve the 
time in sparking. 

One affianced pair were so determined on the descent, and so 
resisted all dehortations, that some of the hide-bound were 
tempted to go along with us, under a suspicion that the lovers, 
if they went into the cave two, would return one: curiosity being 
nearly as strong as corsets ! — but not quite. 

To all, however, it was strange poor Polly Logrul obstinately 
refused to go down ; although her sweetheart was making ready 
to do so, and her rival, Peggy Ketchim, was to be of the crawling 
party ! And when all knew Polly was neither nice nor timid ; 
and would not hesitate to seize a wolf natural by the ears ! But, 
reader, I was in the secret : — Polly was too large for the aperture ! 
Hog^ and hominy had enlarged her physics till poor Polly, who 
had hitherto triumphed in her size, now wished herself a more 
ethereal sprite : for I accidentally saw her, when she supposed 
all at a distance, standing near the cave door, and convincing 
herself by a total blocking of the aperture by a part only of her 
form, that Peggy Ketchim would have Jesse — ah ! in what unseen 
part of the underworld, that day, all to herself ! 

At length all was ready. Then we formed in Indian file, faces 
outward and backs towards the entrance, and began slowly to 
retrograde from the sun-light. Domore led the rear; then came 
the braves ; then backed in Professor Harwood, then Mr. Carlton, 
his wife following before him, and then Principal Clarence, with 
wife ditto: and then — 

"What then? How did the young ladies and gentlemen come 
down?" 

I could not see beyond Mr. Clarence. It was arranged, however, 
that the ladies should come in a line in front of Mrs. Clarence, 
and the young gentlemen bring up the van — like going up and 
down stairs in monuments and steeples to the east. Doubtless all 
backed in judiciously, as we heard no complaints: although there 

" Used here technically — not vulgarly. 



FIFTH YEAR 435 

was incessant laughter, screeching, squealing, and the like ; and an 
occasional exclamation, as — "You, Joe!" — "Awh! now Sam, let 
me be!" — "Go away — I don't want none o' your help!" — "Take 
that now !" — which last was followed by a hard slap on some- 
body's face, and instantly answered by — "Darn it, Peg! if you 
ain't a bustur!" 

The entrance was the grand difficulty ; for on squeezing down 
a few yards, the rocks went down like irregular steps, and our 
heads began gradually to rise, till by our torches were seen the 
rocks above ascending in a similar way: and in about fifty 
feet from the aperture we could stand erect and look round on a 
vast cavern, widening in every direction. Here the rear awaited 
the centre, and then both, the van ; and then all the torches being 
lighted, we could see more distinctly this terra incognita. 

Deep fissures were apparent in the rocks below, into which one 
might have fallen in the dark; but we met no accident, and con-' 
tinned now our advance to the Grand Saloon, or as Bill had 
called it, "the biggerest cave whare he couldn't see the top like." 
On reaching the entry of this room, we clambered down some 
rough projecting rocks; and thence passing along two abreast for 
fifteen yards, we all stood safe in the Saloon itself. Here nothing 
was remarkable but the size. It was an apartment about eighty 
feet long and from fifteen to forty wide, the height varying from 
twenty to sixty feet — although in some places we could not dis- 
cern any roof. 

Near^one end, however, was a rock not unlike a pulpit,*' about 
four feet high and ascended by natural steps and encircled by a 
stony balustrade. The immediate consecration was proposed to 
our lovers. The gentleman, a storekeeper of Woodville. readily 
assented ; but the mistress, a pretty and interesting young lady, 
positively declared "she was determined never to marry any 
where, but to die an old maid" — sure sign of course, that "the day 
was fixed ;" for girls make no such silly and desperate speeches 
till either mature years arrive or the marriage is secretly arranged. 
When rallied on this point, she took the other tack and said, "if 
she did marry, it should be above the earth ; for she didn't believe 

® The author is aware of indistinctness here — but that is owing to the 
amazing variety in pulpits themselves. 



436 FIFTH YEAR 

a marriage under it was legal ; and for her part, when she could 
find a fellow worth having, she intended to adhere to him till 
death!" 

"Well!" — said Peggy Ketchim, — 'I'd jist as leef marry the 
man I lov'd down here as not" — looking tender at Jesse, Miss 
Logrul's beau. Jesse, however, would not take, being yet vexed 
at the slap severely done to his face on the crawl-way ; but he 
very ungallantly replied : 

"Well, darn it, if I wouldn't like the joke too, if Miss Logrul 
had only kim down — " 

"Poll Logrul!" — (dixit Peggy) — "what's the use a her tryin to 
go through life with a feller, whom she couldn't squeeze into a 
cave." 

Here were plainly symptoms of a squall, which it was expedient 
to overwhelm with a storm ; hence I proposed to try the effect of a 
unanimous and vigorous "hurraw!" — and to ascertain if the party 
outside could hear our shouting. This was agreed; and then at 
the signal we let it out ! — and oh ! the uproar ! inconceivable 
before, indescribable now ! And the effect so different from noises 
in the world — in a few moments hundreds of bats, hitherto per- 
tinaciously adhesive to the rocks, took wing, and flying, with no 
discretion, they dashed in panic against our very faces and open 
mouths, and speedily extinguished more than half our torches. 
Many ladies would have fainted, and most would have screamed ; 
but ours, knowing that noise had brought the evil, remained quiet ; 
and hence the bats soon withdrew to their clinging, ajid our 
torches were relighted; and — 

"Hark !— what's that I ?" 

"What?" 

"Listen !" 

We did, and heard an indistinct and peculiar noise — now like 
whining — now growling — and then it seemed a pit-pat sound like 
padded feet! and it then died away, and we were left to our 
speculations. 

"Huh! haw! — its them blasted fellers outside a trying to sker 
the gals down here." 

"Who knows if it ain't Bill's fox?" 

"Spose it was Bill's wolf — hey?" 



FIFTH YEAR 437 

At this ingenious suggestion, the ladies all in unaffected alarm, 
proposed an immediate retreat. Yet Domore and Jesse and half 
a dozen other chaps, said "they did want most powerful bad jist 
to see into the next room a little down like, afore goin back;" 
and hence the ladies kindly agreed to wait in the saloon, with a 
guard for their return. 

The explorers, then, set off; and for a time were heard their 
footsteps and merry voices, till all were hushed in the distance; 
and we in silence remained striving to catch yet some faint sound 
— when forth on a sudden came the burst of terrific screams and 
outcries from the exploring party ! and that soon followed by the 
noise of feet coming back quicker by far than they had gone 
away! And then into the saloon jumped and tumbled the whole 
party, a few laughing and jeering, but most bawling out — "a Ba'r! 
aBa'r!!" 

Our ladies, of course, added at first a scream ; and there was 
some involuntary adhering to husbands' and lovers' arms ; a 
little earnest entreaty to get out instantly; and then a rushing 
towards the egress of the cave, and then a rushing back, as dark- 
ness in that direction became visible, and bats' wings flapped again 
into faces ; yet in no long time order was restored, and we listened 
to the following account from Domore. 

"Well ! I tell you what naburs ! if I warn't about as most power- 
ful near a treadin on a darn black varmint of a ba'r, as most 
folks ever was I allow. You see, as we a kind a kim to that 
tother long hole, says I to Jess, Jess says I, you jist take this here 
light of mine here, and I'll go fust a head and feel along till we 
git's to that 'are room Bill tells on, whare he seed a crik a runnin 
across tother end, says I. Well, so Jess he takes the light and we 
kim to whare you a kinder sorter go down a leetle, and I was 
je-e-st agoin so — (action) — to put down one leg this a way so, 
a holdin on so — (clinging to the pulpit) — above like, and I 
sees the rock b'low a most powerful black and dark, and I thinks 
as maybe it mought be a deep hole; — and with that says I to 
Jess, Jess says I, tote along that light a yourn — and then I holds 
it down this a way — (using his torch) — whare I was goin to step, 
and darn my leggins if the hole didn't seem a movinin and a 
movinin, till all of a quick up sprouted a ba'r's head ! and his eyes 



438 FIFTH YEAR 

a sort a starin so — (imitating) — rite slam smack on mine! Well 
Jess he seed him too, and the way he let out his squawk was a 
screecher I tell you ! And then all them tother fellers what was 
ahind, darn em if they didn't squeel as if they was skulp'd ! — and 
put out and make tracks for this here preachers' room ! But you 
see, I've fit ba'r afore and I know'd this one warnt agoin to fite — 
and I seed him a putting off afore I kim away — and if I'd had 
one of them chaps rifles above ground, why you see if we 
wouldn't a cooked ba'r meat down here to day thar's no snakes." 

"But Domore, suppose the bear had made battle?" 

"Well — Mr. Carltin, 'spose he had — do you see this?" — draw- 
ing from his jacket a very savage looking scalping knife. 

"Yes! yes! — Domore — and I would not have asked you, if I 
had known you had your knife." 

"Well, you see, Mr. Carltin, I don't mean no 'fence — ^but that 
a sorter shows you don't know all about the woods yit — albeit 
you're a powerful feller with the rifle; a hunter doesn't go into 
timber without his knife, and never no how into sich like caves and 
holes as this here one." 

Fears had now abated ; and the ladies professed great confi- 
dence in my friend Domore's skill and bravery ; still, it was voted 
to retire immediately into the world, and our line of retreat was 
as follows. 

1. Nearly all the males, headed by Jesse, who, wishing to show 
his spunk and retrieve the disgrace of his "screecher," led the van, 
now in front. 

2. All the females. 

3. The Faculty and Mr. Carlton. 

4. And lastly, Domore as rear guard. 

Without memorable accident our van in due time gained the 
cave-door and crawled out head foremost; then, aided by the 
upper party collected around at the unexpected egress, they 
helped out the female incumbents; and then, amid united con- 
gratulations and derisions, we, the last division were ushered 
slowly once more into ordinary life. 

"But where's Domore our rear guard?" 

"Oh! I hear him, or something else, pushing out — ^he makes 
powerful little head way tho' — maybe he's draggin a ba'r — he's 
mighty fussy with something and very onactive." 



FIFTH YEAR 439 

By this time our whole party had come around the aperture 
and were with great interest eyeing the spot to greet our hero — 
when — could it be ! — the hole was suddenly blocked up ! — 

"Goodness! Mr. Carlton, — was it the bear?" 

"Oh ! no — no — no ! dear reader, it was the full disk of Domore's 
tow-linen posterior inexpressibles ! For with proper regard of 
self-defence, and yet with this peculiar breach of etiquette, he 
was coming out of the aperture wrong end foremost ! 

Aye-yah ! you may hold up your fans, and so forth : but fans 
themselves would have joined in the universal, uncontrollable, 
ungenteel, and almost unendable laughter, that for the first and 
the last and the only time since its creation, startled and shook the 
grim old trees that day ! Laughter like that occurs only once in a 
life time ! And this is said deliberately, and to enable the judicious 
critics to remark — "The author on page so and so is again guilty 
of something like laughing at his own stories." 

"Well." — said Domore, when, at long last, he made his apology, 
— "well, I know'd it warnt the best manners to back out like ; and 
it warnt powerful easy ither; but you see it a sort a couldn't be 
helped ; for, says I to meself , down thare, 'spose, says I, the 
darn'd b'ar, or some sich ugly varmint, was to kim agin a feller, 
what would be the use of kickin at 'im? And so I jist sticked my 
torch in a hole, and drawed out my knife, and kim out as you see, 
and ready to give it to any varmint what mought kim ahind me." 

This was voted satisfactory ; and Domore was cheered as the 
lion of the New Purchase; showing, too, that the race of the 
Putnams is not extinct.'^ 

Our pic-nicery was now ready ; and we began to regale our- 
selves with keen appetites, when a few drops of water made us 
think some one was playing a prank ; but alas ! no — it was rain ! 
downright rain. And now if I had the pen of a ready writer, I 
might tell how quick the eatables were deserted — knives, cups, 
plates, cloths, all stufTed and crammed into saddle-bags — shawls 
pitched on, and of¥, too — bonnets tied under chins — horses sad- 
dled — mounted — and we away, away, over Rock Ford — up and 

^ Referring to Israel Putnam, a hero of the American Revolution, who, 
according to the story of his early days on the New England frontier, 
crept into the lair of a big wolf and there killed the animal. 



440 FIFTH YEAR 

down Hickory Ridge — on Fire-Skin's trace — and once more snug 
and spongy behind Bill's cabin. 

Bill and his wife pressed us to stay all night, — a hunter's 
heart being always bigger than his cabin, — but we all refused 
except Domore : and he stayed, not to avoid the rain, but to talk 
over the cave afifair and the bear scrape. We took a fresh start, 
and scampered on fast as ever to escape now the coming darkness : 
and in process of time reached Woodville, a sad reverse of the 
gay and dry party of the morning! Yet how we looked none could 
tell, for it was then a coal black night; but judging by our own 
plight, when standing by the kitchen fire, our whole party must 
have been a remarkably shivering and absorporific compound of 
mud and water ! 

Upper class and aristocratic gowns, frocks, hats and broad 
cloth and silk in general, had encountered melancholy accidents; 
but none so serious as were met by two bran new second rate 
Leghorns, ambitiously sported for the first time to-day by two 
of our tip-top young ladies. These big-buggeries were not only 
soaked and stained with water and dirt of divers colors, but even 
torn by briars and branches : and this utter ruin and loss retarded 
our civilization a full year ! it being all that time before the 
articles were replaced, and none others presuming to lead our 
fashions in this respect except the two pretty, but rather vain 
Misses Ladybook.** 

^ The Misses Owen, afterwards Mrs. Irvin Maxwell and Mrs. Judge 
James Hughes. 



CHAPTER LIV. 

"But ye that suffer; who have felt 

The destiny of earth, 
That death, with shadowy hand hath dealt 

Rebuke amid your mirth ; 
To you this tribute of a zvord. 

When other sounds have fled, 
Will come like lov'd tones, faintly heard — 

The memory of the dead." — Mellen. 

Our family was usually very harmonious ; yet the surface of 
our quiescence was occasionally rufifled. For instance, Mr. Carl- 
ton believed that Miss Elizabeth Carlton, now nearly four years 
old, if she did spell, ought to do it by sounds of the letters: 
Aunt Kitty insisted it ought to be in the march of mind way — by 
pictures of things. And Aunt Kitty carried the day, affirming 
that the baby could learn to spell in six days! — Mr. Carlton not 
caring whether she spelled or not, provided she had plenty of 
air and sunshine, and played all the time with a kitten or a doll. 
But when he obstinately persisted that the little one could not 
ever learn to spell by pictures, and must do it by the sounds of 
separate letters, away flounced Aunt Kitty after a caricature book ; 
and then flouncing back she said with a voice of triumph: 

"There, Mr. Carlton, spell her any where." 

"Well, dearee, what does c-o-iv spell?" — covering at the same 
time the figure with the hand. 

"Cow," said the baby in an instant. 

"There! Mr. Carlton— now sir!"— a^i.nV Aunt Kitty. 

"How do you know, dearee, that it spells cow?" — said Mr. C. 

"I sees the — legs !" — replied baby. 

Aunt Kitty put out ; while echo maliciously repeated — "There ! 
Mr. Carlton — now sir!" 

— Dear one ! that was true learning Aunt Kitty gave you daily 
from the Word of God. She did, indeed, by her living voice, 
teach in figures about heaven ! even as the blessed word itself. 
And it was to that heaven, dearest ! you went not many months 

441 



442 FIFTH YEAR 

after; when death so strangely quenched the light of those 
sweetly soft blue eyes! 

-it * H« * * * 

Parents! have you children in heaven? The author hopes he 
has five. And shall we not strive to rejoin the loved ones, where 
day-dreams are no more; and all is glorious, satisfying, unending 
reality ? 



CHAPTER LV. 

'There was a sound of revelry by night, 
And Belgium's capital had gathered then 
Her beauty and her chivalry ; and bright 
The lamps shone o'er fair vi^omen and brave men : — 
A thousand hearts beat happily ; and w^hen 
Music arose with its voluptuous swell, 
Soft eyes looked love to eyes which spake again, 
And all went merry as a marriage bell — 
But hush ! hark ! a deep sound strikes like a rising knell ?" 

We shall conclude this year with a wedding. 

"Who is to be married?" 

John Glenville. 

"That old bachelor?" 

The same. 

"To whom?" 

Pardon me, I may not tell. The courtship, however, had been 
speedy. On his side an affair of the heart — not I fear, on hers. 

He certainly married not for money; she — but she is in her 
forest grave now — and let her memory, like her body, rot. Happy 
if another at the wedding had died — that one can never die so 
peaceful now ! The serpents of our woods were fatal — yet they gave 
warning — thou wast and art a more deadly snake — and warned 
not! Traitor! the world will not understand this; and may deem 
it fiction — thou wilt understand and sooner or later — tremble! 
God save thee, however, the horrors of a death bed ! 
****** 

The society of Woodville was not yet refined as it might have 



FIFTH YEAR 443 

been ; although steps for the sublimating process had been taken 
by our gentry, and with some success. Such attempts, however, 
by many, were regarded with jealousy, and by not a few with 
feelings of rancorous hostility. Sometimes, too, every attempt 
had failed, and that owing to the "galls :" for these insisted on 
mixing with our parties, and also on taking seats at table ; or if 
not present, it was owing to management, and not a tame sur- 
render of the helper's rights. Not unfrequently had an embryo 
lady, or one emerging from the grub and hoosiery form, been 
compelled by the discontent of her help, who had detected the 
artifice of her mistress, to soothe the young lady by saying before 
the company : 

"Betty, child, I do wish you would sit down and a sort a pour 
out, while I run out and bake the rest of the cakes." 

Once a very select party of prospective gentry had assembled 
at Mrs. Roughsmoothe's, and had become talkative and lively; 
when the gall-help, wishing to increase the fun, suddenly descended 
from the loft, into our company, and paraded over the room in 
her lady's husband's brother's old buckskin breeches! 

To aid the poHshing of society, after long discussions among 
the ladies, not those only connected with the bride elect, but 
others intimate with our several families, it was determined to 
have a sample wedding. To this, indeed, the gentlemen all had 
objections; but the iveaker sex, as is always in such affairs the 
case, proved the stronger : and so away to work went all hands for 
the grand display. 

And now, the truth of political economy became manifest, 
that extravagance benefits mechanics, storekeepers, and the like ; 
for we sold broadcloth, and trimmings, and silks, and satins — in 
short, all things for wedding-suits dresses and decorations ; and 
every mantua-maker, milliner, tailor, and shoemaker was in im- 
mediate requisition. Superfine flour, too, was needed — the best 
teas and coffees — the best loaf sugar — the best, in a word, of all 
persons and things from the beginning to the end of Woodville. 
Nay, many articles were required from the Ohio River. Hence, 
so many messages were sent, and so many packages brought, by 
waggoners and travellers, to and from, that long before the 
eventful day, half the State was advertised of the coming cere- 



444 FIFTH YEAR 

mony. Indeed, not a few at that time came into Woodville from 
adjoining counties: which accounts for the curious external cele- 
bration that accompanied the internal one. 

Nor were only selling and buying promoted by the affair — it 
increased borrowing and lending. Many, who "allowed" they 
would be asked, had agreed to lend one another suitable apparel, 
from caps and curls upwards, to shoes and stockings downwards : 
and our bride's folks, not having domestic means enough, had 
borrowed far and wide every article in the shape of china, proper, 
and mock, and silver, German and real. Consequently, the whole 
settlement was more or less interested in our wedding: and it was 
clear as sunshine, we should have as fine a gathering of Hoosiers, 
in all stages of refinement, both inside and outside the house, as 
the heart of man could desire. 

The wedding week had now arrived ; and notes, prepared in 
the best style, were sent round by Wooley Ben, the negro barber, 
hired as waiter and to discharge a dozen other offices and duties. 
Additional waiters would have been employed ; but this was the 
only respectable black "nigger" in town: and as to hiring a 
native, white, red, or brown, you might as easily have hired the 
Governor. Indeed, nobody had, either little enough brains, or 
sufficient temerity, to make the experiment : — a hundred to one, 
we should have either been jazved or, more likely, got our own 
jaws slapped. 

Well, the grand evening came at last; and about sundown the 
wedding guests arrived, and were formally ushered into the par- 
lour; which, for the first, saw ladies enter without bonnets, an<;l 
with heads — some profusely, but many tastefully — decorated 
with flowers and curls, artificial and real. And never had that 
room been so full of seats, thread-lace, and bobinette! It had 
the honour of sustaining the first fashionable jam ever known in 
the Purchase ! 

Across the entry, was a dining room ; which was now devoted 
to the supper-table, and its fixins. The supper differed, however, 
in no important point from an eastern affair — except, it was twice 
as abundant. But our furniture was very different. Things 
went, indeed, by usual names ; yet the plate and the plates were 
very unlike, modern articles : and they were different from them- 



FIFTH YEAR 445 

selves ! All were antique vases, goblets, spoons, and so forth, the 
relics of broken and by-gone sets ; and gathered, not merely from 
all parts of the Union, but from France, England, Nova-Scotia, 
Scotland, and Wales. China and silver representatives were on 
that table, of all the grand old-fashioned dignity once pertaining 
to the ancestry of the Woodville grandees ; and whose preten- 
sions to gentility thus shone forth in a dumb show ! Not a bit of 
plate, pretended or genuine, but what had been borrowed, and 
several pieces had even been sent voluntarily ; so that Ned, one of 
the company without, very properly said, in his vernacular: 

"Well! bust my rifle, if I allowed thare was sich a powerful 
heap of silver and chanery^ in these here diggins ! I tell you 
what, Domore ! wouldn't them wot-you-callums buy up ne'er 
about Uncle Sam's land in these parts ?" 

It has been said, the incipient attempts to sublimate and crys- 
talize society, were viewed by many with enmity : and hence 
the male clarifiers had opposed all grand doings now, as the 
whole might irritate, excite great prejudice, and even retard 
the desired improvements. That such fears were not groundless, 
will appear in the sequel : but an episode is here necessary. 

In many places of the Far West, in those days, was prevalent 
a custom derived from the Canadians, called Chevrarai; or, as 
pronounced by us in the Purchase, and spelled by Mr. Nonpareil 
Primer, our College printer — Shiver-ree. And that looks and 
sounds as much like the thing as its echo. Hence we shall fol- 
low nature, or Mr. Primer (who was very natural in spelling), 
and call the thing Shiver-ree. The Shiver-reeing was done 
by a collection of all physical bodies capable of emitting 
sounds from a sugar kettle to a horse-shoe ; and from the hoarsest 
bass of the toughest Hoosier, to the most acute treble of the ten- 
derest Hoosierine — and all, at a signal, let off at once under the 
windows, and in the very doors, of the marriage house. 

Commonly fun only was designed ; and the serenaders good 
humouredly retired after a dram of some alcoholic liquor. Still, 
a little frolicsome mischief was sometimes added. For instance, 
the Shiver-ree-ers would insist on seeing the bridegroom; and 
the moment he appeared, he would be transported to their 

1 China. 



446 FIFTH YEAR 

shoulders, and paraded round a few hundred yards, and in the 
very centre of the music; after which, he would be restored to 
his anxious bride, and the revellers, giving three cheers, would 
retire. The bridegroom would indeed, sometimes be kept too 
long; as was the case with the young store-keeper, who had been 
of our cave party: for, the Shiver-ree folks, having, by a very 
cunning stratagem, caught this bridegroom, contrived to carry him 
away, and keep him locked up in the jury-room of the Court- 
house till near day-break, when he was liberated ! And, all this, 
without his being able to identify one of his persecutors! 

But the Shiver-ree was used, also, to annoy any unpopular per- 
son or family. And, then, not even double or quadruple drams 
could purchase peace. The moment always chosen to begin the 
concert, was when the parties stood before the parson. Then 
the power of his voice, the patience of the groom, and the nerves 
of the bride, were all fairly tested. The solemnization was as 
publicly, and loudly announced as by the roar of artillery at royal 
celebrations. The art within was to elude the vigilance of the 
party without : in which attempt, however, to the best of my recol- 
lection, the party within was always preeminently unsuccessful — 
it being not possible that any movement could escape a dozen 
practised eyes and ears watching for signs, and usually aided by 
treachery within the house. 

Well, to-night, with all experience against us, and although 
notified, by ominous sounds of rehearsal, that the musicians 
were ready, we tried the usual ways of eluding — such as dropping 
the curtains, appointing sentinels for doors and crevices, and spe- 
cially by keeping up no small noise ourselves, laughing, talking, 
and screaming, up to the instant when Mr. Clarence suddenly 
rose and met the bridal party, entering from an adjoining apart- 
ment. Without delay, he began with the notice, that, by virtue 
of a license in his hand, he appeared to unite in marriage the 
parties named therein, viz. — John Glenville, of Guzzleton, and 

Evelina B , of B : and, as the profoundest stillness yet 

prevailed without, we began to exchange smiles of triumph, that, 
for once, Argus had been beguiled. Even the preacher proceeded, 
with unwonted confidence, and said, pro formula — "if any one 
present knows reason why the parties ought not to be united in 



FIFTH YEAR 447 

the bands of wedlock, let such an one now speak ." If any 

body inside answered, the voice was unheard in the horrid din 
from without, that interrupted and replied to the Reverend 
Gentleman's inquisitorial formula. 

What the din resembled, the reader, if poetic and fond of 
music, may imagine, when we run over the instruments of that 
extra-transcendental quavering, quivering, shivering and roaring 
uproar ! — viz. two corn baskets full of cowbells tied to saplings ; 
— a score and a half of frying pans beat with mush sticks ; — two 
and thirty Dutch oven and skillet lids clashed as cymbals ; — fifty- 
three horse shoes, played as triangles; — ten large wash-tubs and 
seven small barrels drummed with fists and corn-cobs ; — one 
hundred and ninety-five quills, prepared and blown as clarionets ; 
— forty-three tin-whistles' and baby-trumpets, blown till they all 
cracked ; — two small and one large military drums with six fifes, 
blown on D in alt., or thereabouts ; — add imitations of scalp and 
war cries ; — and inhuman yells, screams, shrieks and hisses, of the 
most eminent vocalists ! 

The human performers were estimated from two hundred and 
fifty to three hundred and fifty! there being about two hundred 
extra volunteers from other counties: — the whole mammoth- 
rabble-rouse being got up to do special dishonour to "d d 'ris- 

tocraticul and powerful grand big-bug doins !" There were also 
super-huma.n vocalists ! — of these directly. 

Temperance had advocates ready to shoot, but not be shot for 
her, in our party; hence when the ceremony was supposed to be 
ended, by the parson's being seen kissing the wife, out started the 
two groomsmen and several volunteers with buckets, pitchers, and 
cups, to mollify the drinking part of the serenaders. But when the 
customary doses were administered, not only did the musicians not 
retire with the complimentary cheers, but remained and calling for 
"big-bug wine — fit for gentlemen !" and letting oflF at each repeti- 
tion of the demand peals of shiver-ree; till finding after all no 
wine forthcoming, they manifested symptoms of more serious 
riot and abuse. 

This awakened an angry spirit in the bridal party, and threats 
from without were answered by menace from within, while in- 
quiries were made of our host what arms could be furnished for 



448 FIFTH YEAR 

the defence of the castle. At this instant a window sash behind 
the Miss Ladybooks was cautiously raised from without, and be- 
fore I could step thither to hold down the sash, in leaped a 
musician — a four footed swine, some six months of age, and 
weighing some fifty pounds ! Master Grunter had evidently en- 
tered unwillingly : and although in his descent he availed himself 
of one lady's shoulder, and another's lap, he trod elastically as an 
essenced exquisite, and scarcely deranged a collar or soiled a 
frock ! 

The feat was cheered by piggy's associates ; and the more, as 
our ladies in avoiding the unclean gentleman, had sprung upon 
chairs, sofas, and even tables, where their alarmed countenances 
were visible above the curtains to the bipedalic hogs without. 
Young Squeal, however, behaved himself just like a pig in a 
parlour — he sneaked with a tight-twisted tail and a vulgar grunt 
under the grand bridal sofa : and thence, I forget how, he was 
unceremoniously turned out among his former friends, where he 
felt himself more at home. 

Virginia and Kentucky blood was now approaching the boiling 
point ; and a rush was made by some of us towards the door — 
but there Dr. Sylvan had, with great wisdom, already taken post 
to prevent if possible, either ingress or egress. Still the door 
could not be kept wholly closed ; and we thus caught glimpses of 
performers mounted on the backs of performers — the super- 
human ones being large four-footed hogs, which were held on 
human backs, by their front legs, advanced hugging fashion, each 
side a human neck! As the rational creatures capered up and 
down with their riders, those irrational ones, in terror and fierce 
indignation, were sending forth those long, woful, keen, nerve- 
shaking appeals for release, that we in simplicity had till now 
imagined masterly imitations of some squeaking even better than 
piggy himself ! Nothing like the true hog after all ! 

Meanwhile, two thus doing piggy-back in reverse order, had 
gradually advanced to the door; when the horse-pig essayed to 
force a wider aperture, intending to incline forward and thus 
allow the mounted animal to leap into the entry, and thence into 
the dining room to upset and demolish the table with its goodies 
and silver. But no sooner had the hog-ridden serenader thrust 



FIFTH YEAR 449 

his hand into the aperture than Dr. S. aided by Harwood, forced 
the door against the member, and so held the gentleman that he 
cried out not wholly unlike Mr. Snout but a moment before on his 
back, yet now let fall ! It is wonderful how hard a fellow can 
pull when his hand is thus caught ! Why, spite of all the force 
against him, he did jerk his hand out — and left nothing behind 
except the skin of a thumb with a nail attached! — a scalp for the 
victors ! 

At the instant word came to the author, that his darling little 
girl had gone into fits from fright ! And when I beheld the blood 
gushing from her nose, and her face pale and death-like — * * * 
— yes, I rushed out bare-headed and weaponless, followed by a 
few bold friends with lights. Dr. S. having left the door to attend 
to the babe! Our design was to catch some in the act of riot, 
and make them answer at a legal tribunal. Aware of this, the 
rabble fled as our lights advanced : but soon rallying in a dark 
corner, they began to salute us with groans, hisses and stones — 
and then rose the cry, "Knock 'em down ! — drag the big-bug 
Yankees through the creek I" And so our situation was momen- 
tarily becoming more and more critical, when a well-known voice 
thus arose in our behalf: — 

"Bust my rifle — if I'm goin to stand by and see that ither, I 
say, or my name's not Ned Stanley — no ! no I I tel'd you to 
put off a hour ago, when me and Domore kim up, arter they 
give us the fust dram. Them folks ain't to my idee, no how, but 
they've got rites as well as the best on us — and I ain't agoin for 
to see 'em trampled on no further no how. I say Bob Carltin's a 
powerful clever feller, arter all, albeit he's thick with big-bugs — 
and, bust my rifle, if any man knocks him down to-night, or 
drags him in the water, till he tries hisself fust on Ned Stanley !" 

"Them's my idees, Ned," — responded the well known voice of 
Domore, — "and it tain't us Woodill fellers no how, what's car- 
ried it so fur — its them darn'd blasted chaps from the Licks and 
Nobs. And I'm not goin ither to go agin a man what was with 
us in Bill's cave — and if that leetle gal a hissin is gone in a fit, I'm 
most powerful teetotal sorry I had any thing to do with the fun 
any how. Come, come, darn my leggins, let's make ourselves 
skerse — come, fellers, let's be off!" 



450 FIFTH YEAR 

Mobs, like other flocks and herds, follow their leaders by in- 
stinct. After all Virgil's poetical great man's power to smoothe 
down popular swells, this night showed he could have done 
nothing that way in the Purchase.- For though the grave and 
reverend Clarence was with us, no subsidence in the boiling sea 
was visible, till Ned and Domore rose in their majesty; and 
while two or more schoolmasters were abroad in the land that 
night, the quelling of riot and preventing of violence and blood- 
shed, was by radical leaders destitute of learning and gravity, but 
full of courage, manly feeling, and muscular power ! 

Man may be known from books, but men and boys are different 
matters ; and the phases of the genus Homo in the Purchase were 
then different from the phases elsewhere. Even a genuine 
Hoosier mob is totally unlike a scum mob in an Atlantic city : 
generosity may be found in the former, none in the latter. The 
first loves rather the fun, the latter, the plunder and blood, of a 
riot. Fear of the military scatters the city mob, an appeal to 
manliness disperses the Hoosier one. 

Our retreat was left, of course, unimpeded; nor was the an- 
noyance renewed. Yet the spirit of frolic was up ; and aided by 
the spirit of the still. Hence, away rolled the tumult to the forest ; 
where the prowling panther and other denizens of the lairs, were 
appalled by a tempest of sounds, such as never before had dis- 
turbed the solemnities of the grand old shades. And the orgies of 
the drunken-god were celebrated as in primitive times, when 
Orpheus was hired to lead home the raving wives and daughters 
of his townsmen. 

Next day, Dr. Sylvan and others dreading future results of the 
Shiver-ree" made inquisition for leading rioters. None, of course, 
could be identified, save the mauN without the thumb-skin; and he, 
taking the alarm, became "so skerse" as never again to be seen in 

-Unless he had a cart whip like a priest — and drove tavte jackasses — 
ours were wild ones. 

^ The "Shiverree" here described was at a house still standing in 
Blooming'ton at the south west corner of College Avenue and 4th Street. 
For many years it was the property of the Maxwell family. The vulgar 
"shiver-ree," as a country custom in Southern Indiana, has survived to 
within recent years, but it has become a rare occurrence. It has been 
superseded by miscellaneous methods of annoying bridal parties, — the 
teasing always being devised by the special friends of the bride and groom. 



SIXTH YEAR 451 

Woodville. For a while, therefore, the Shiver-ree was disused; 
but by degrees it was again introduced, and when we left the 
Purchase it was there as popular and noisy as ever. 



CHAPTER LVI. 



Sixth Year. 



"Mar. Alas my lord I have but killed a Fly! 
Tit. But how, if that fly had a father and mother? 
How would he hang his slender gilded wings, 
And buzz lamenting doings in the air? 
Poor harmless fly ! 
That with his pretty buzzing melody. 
Came here to make us merry — And thou hast killed him!" 

By a recent charter of our college, it was appointed that the 
Faculty should oversee the Students ; the Trustees, oversee the 
Faculty ; the Board of Visitors, the Trustees ; and the Legislature 
the Visitors ; — the people in general engaging to oversee the Legis- 
lature, and the people of Woodville, the entire whole ! The cause 
of education was, then, well overseen! And yet our circle was 
as vicious as that of the Church Militant and Insultant; which 
keeps its antagonist foundations in perpetual somerset — top and 
bottom being always at bottom and top — and yet so circumferential 
as to be alike destitute of top or bottom, or bottom or top — and 
bound by its infallibility to roll on for ever in its absurdities! 

And now was to be found the rara avis — the white crow — a 
good President. Distant and learned gentlemen had answered our 
first inquiries, by an earnest recommendation of Mr. Clarence; 
but so widely did that personage differ in opinion, that he sup- 
pressed a letter written to himself urging him by all means to be a 
candidate. He plead his youth ; and his wish to remain in a sub- 
ordinate post to perfect himself in his favourite studies, — lan- 
guages, history, and mathematics. He insisted, also that good 
professors were as important as a good president ; and with a 
little allowable vanity, he added, if he should make so good a 



452 SIXTH YEAR 

president, as his friends' partiality led them to suppose, it would 
be quite a loss to deprive the college of so good a professor ! He, 
therefore, did, — (unwisely as Mr. Carlton thinks) — decline a 
nomination, and earnestly entreat the Board to look out for 
"an older man!" 

Professor Harwood then suggested the Reverend Constant 
Bloduplex, D.D., of Wheelabout ; and a committee was appointed 
to open a correspondence with that gentleman. But as his reply 
was not received till after my return from collecting certain debts, 
&c., we shall for the present, take our reader on an excursion. 

Fortunately, for the last forty-eight hours were collecting rev- 
erend gentlemen at Woodville to form a travelling party towards 
the south to a famous council, of which Clarence was also a mem- 
ber; and I was furnished with the most agreeable associates. 
Regalists may sneer at dissenting and republican clergy; but I 
repeat, what can never be repeated too often, that such clergy, 
when evangelical and intelligent, aside from a spke of sec- 
tarianism — (and a man without a spice is no man, but a sneaking 
time-server) — are the most benevolent, instructive, entertaining, 
cheerful, and liberal of men. They condense and concentrate most 
qualities, too, essential to good fellowship. Ay! they are usually 
men of greatest courage. And when and where duty calls, 
whether into jeopardy of property, or character, or ease, or limb, 
or life itself, no men more fearlessly or resolutely encounter it. 
A good man fears God — and that absorbs or counteracts all other 
fears. 

Exceptions occur ; yet of intelligent and learned folks the true 
clergy can and do, most easily and naturally, accommodate them- 
selves to opposite lives; and, not to acquire fame or money or 
power, or do penance — but to do good. Influence is, indeed, thus 
acquired, yet not more than is right and desirable. Far from 
my beloved land be that hour, when her own republican ministers 
shall have no literary, moral and spiritual influence ! God shield 
her from the Egyptian darkness threatening from yonder ominous 
cloud rising above the distant horizon — shaped not like a man's 
hand, and pregnant with refreshing rains, but like a man's toe 
pretending contempt, spurning overthrow and subjugation. But 
I smell faggots ! — and I court not martyrdom — and none can tell 
what Hugheous attempts may next be made nor when ! Sneer on ! 



SIXTH YEAR 453 

antipuritan ! if you fear not for us, it is high time, as Cato told 
Caesar in the Roman Senate, we should fear for ourselves! Bozv 
your own base neck — we will never bow ours !^ 

Our party was increased at every ferry and cross path till it 
numbered twenty-two ; enough to hold meeting on horseback. The 
time was mid Spring; and the old woods were glorying in the 
sylvan splendours of new dresses and decorations. The sun 
was, indeed, ardent, and rejoicing like one to run a race ; but 
then the dense foliage spread a screen over the pathway, while 
the balmy breath of zephyrs, rich with perfume of wild flower and 
blossom, fanned our faces and sported with the forest leaf and 
spray. Beauteous birds and tribes of unseen animals and insects 
from every branch, and every bushy lair or cavern, were pouring 
forth choral symphonies of praise. 

Was it wonderful, then, that Christians going to a spiritual 
congress, should be unable to restrain hymns of praise ? Out upon 
rationalism, or any pseudo-ism that makes men dumb like — like — 
"beasts?" No; "insects?" No; — these in the woods God planted 
and nurtured for ages are vocal. "Like what then?" Like a 
German or a French Atheist. 

Hymns then, as we rode, were sung ; and, with heart and voice, 
in the solemn and joyous words of king David. God was felt to 
be there ! His grand temple was around us ! How like sons and 
daughters going home rejoicing! How like the Church in the 
wilderness ! We have before said, what in religion begins in 
poetry often ends in prose ; — and so would be the result now, if 
fanaticism should get up a system of protracted and locomotive 
meetings on horseback ! The poetry belongs only to the accidental 
occurrence. 

Arrived in due time at the place of the council, I was induced to 
remain a day and witness its proceedings. The weather being 
favourable, and no cabin large enough to accommodate the hun- 
dreds of spectators, many of whom had come more than a hun- 
dred miles, it was arranged to hold the sessions in the woods. 
Among the accommodations was a large wagon body placed on 

1 This volume was published in 1843. Nativism, preceding Knownoth- 
ingiim, appeared in American politics in 1844. This passage suggests a 
hint at "anti-Popery." Hall was evidently a "sectarian" with a good deal 
of vim, if not of venom. 



454 SIXTH YEAR 

suitable timbers, to serve for a pulpit ; and here, during the re- 
ligious exercises, were seated all the clerical members — making 
with their aggregate weight a half a ton of theologians, if not 
of divinity. Here, also, during the secular business, was seated 
the President, — and supported by his scribes on the right and left. 

But I was soon hurried from this Nice council, by the stress of 
worldly business ; and that accomplished, it was necessary for me 
to return alone to Woodville, and by a route then very rarely 
taken by any person, and never before nor since by myself. 

On my first day, I was fortunately overtaken by a large com- 
pany, unlike my religious friends, and yet by no means unaccept- 
able comrades in the vast wilderness I had just entered. It was 
a Surveyor and his assistants, going to run some line, or lay out 
some road. In genuine Western style they welcomed me not 
only to ride with them, but to participate in their dough-biscuits 
and jerked venison. We beguiled the way, of course, with anec- 
dote and story of adventures and mishaps till tired of telling and 
hearing; and then, recreation came on wings, in the shape of 
horse-flies ! 

■ The tame or civilized horse-fly of the /Atlantic States, is well 
enough as to size; and, when half starved, can bite reasonably 
well ; — but the ill-bred, barbarian horse-fly, or rather flies, for the 
sorts are countless, — can't they bite ! Like all hoosiery and 
woolverine things, they are regardless of dignities ; and hence suck 
blood from the rider as well as the horse ! They even make no 
distinction between merchants" and men ! or between the 
"brethren" and "the misters ! !" Very probably they would suck 
blood from the President of the United States ! — the greatest of 
all earthly potentates — (in breeches, of course!) Ay! from 
Uncle Sam, and Brother Jonathan : — although their blood so much 
excels that of the Russian Bear, or John Bull ! Nothing like the 
Great-Grand-North-American-Republican Horse-Fly !^ — ten of 
them can kill a dandy ! 

Now, a man can endure a single fly: but a cloud pitching at 
once on him and his horse, requires some patience and no small 

- Perhaps they regard such as shopkeepers. 

2 Except the Great-Grand Humbugs, and other buzzing fooleries, of our 
country. 



SIXTH YEAR 455 

activity and diligence. The best antidote is a duck's bill. This, 
however, is inconvenient to administer, as it requires a cessation 
of motion and a recumbent posture. Indeed, to be fully bene- 
fitted, one must lie down, as we saw a cow to-day at a squatter's 
cabin, and permit, as she did, six active ducks and one drake, to 
traverse the whole body, and gobble up and down the flies at the 
instant of alighting, and make repeated successful snaps at them 
on the wing! 

The best defensive armour would doubtless be to have one's 
whole skin tanned — (leatherwise) : — and next, are boots and leg- 
gins, as far as they go : but summer coat and inexpressibles are 
as good as — nothing. Some advantage is found by inserting 
tops of broken bushes into every crevice of the horse-trappings ; 
into the hat-band and button holes ; and at the tops of boots and 
leggins: yet, 'with all these, will be lots of work both for the 
man's hands and the horse's tail. 

I do wish Mrs. Trollope had been with us to-day. If she had 
seen nothing to amuse and interest her, I am certain we should — 
although we had enough as it was. To a student of nature, how 
interesting our appearance — all bestuck with bushes — a grove on 
horse-back! whence issued human hands slapping hard, as a 
Catholic self-inflicting penance ! Then the madness of a bushman 
missing a fly! and his triumph and malicious joy in mashing one! 
The horses, now stopping with one side to stamp and bite ! now 
springing away, to rub off the torment in the bushes ! and then 
their tails ! — it did seem they would, sooner or later, switch and 
swing loose, and fall off! 

The grand exhibition, however, was by a poor brute of a horse, 
with a short tail and a tipsy rider. As to the tail, that had been 
partly amputated by some barbarian — (there being a fashion in 
horse-tails as in whiskers) — and, added to that inhumanity, was 
the inconsiderate behaviour of a silly colt, into whose mouth the 
tail-stump had fallen — the hair being all eaten away by the said 
colt, till the denuded thing stuck out six inches only, like a 
wooden article of the same name, glued to a toy-horse, to show 
which end is not the head. Think ! — to be with such a make- 
believe tail; in a flock of horse-flies! And the drunken rider had 
arranged no grove of bush-tops ! ! 



456 SIXTH YEAR 

Had the flies infested the human beast ! but these sagacious 
flocks knew what was for their health, and, therefore, stuck to the 
horse ; thus causing the animal to endure a thousand fold for the 
sin of his master. In vain, then, did he wag that stump of a 
naked tail! in vain halt to stamp, bite, and kick! in vain vibrate 
his hide and the tip of the ears, till he seemed all over like a 
church full of moving fans ! — there stuck the flies ! At every halt, 
the rider kicked and basted ; but never moved the horse away till 
convinced halting, and biting, and kicking could not dislodge his 
foes, and then he moved to be sure — but not ahead. He did it 
sideways, till he reached some tree or bush, along which he 
rubbed, crushing and sweeping off the flies ; and often, very 
much to our inward delight, barking the skin from his vile 
master's legs ! 

At last, the flies, understanding the brevity of the tail, and 
the defenceless state of the nag, attacked his quarters, head and 
rear, covering, but not protecting, his entire flanks ! What could 
he do? He reiterated his stamp — bite — vibration; he sidled against 
trees, rubbing and kicking ; and then, under the combined attacks 
of whip, heels and flies, seizing the bit between his teeth, he, on a 
sudden, darted away as if borne on wings himself ! Pencil of 
Hogarth ! paint that sight ! Set forth the trembling spice-bushes 
divided, broken, crushed, by a tornado borne on horse-heels ! 
Draw that nag emerging, ever and anon, from thickets of thorn 
and briar! — a. human leg, despoiled of leggin, rising horizontal, 
this side now, now that, and instinctively, like the scales of 
justice, keeping the equilibrium of a body recumbent, with head 
nodding and jerking, amid the dishevelled and raggy mane of a 
horse-neck! — hands therein clenched! Depict the flocks of sur- 
viving flies hanging over in the air, and waiting for the race to 
end! And, oh! last, yet not least, though so very little, do that 
tail! 

It had played its part before; now it was worked with more 
than one-horse power! It spun round as on a patent gudgeon! 
It multiplied itself — now, a dozen tails — ^now, no tail at all! — 
nothing appearing, save a white circumference, a streak made by 
the bone where the article had been amputated! Its motion was 
no longer to switch away flies ; it was instinctive, and to steer by : 



SIXTH YEAR 457 

yet whether it failed as a helm, or steered as was designed, on 
our galloping up, there was the fly-bitten pony, wallowing pig-like 
in a delicious stream of spring water; and the rider wading out 
about ankle deep, and dripping ! And so ends about the tail. 

The tender-hearted will rejoice to know, however, that upon 
this poetical justice administered by the horse, the master, now a 
cold-water man and sobered, kept a whole wilderness of bushes 
about both ; and, that he abstained, that day at least, from his 
whiskey bottle — partly, I believe though, because it was broken 
in the fall. 

Shortly after this, I left the Surveyor's company, and, pursuing 
a solitary trace, reached, late in the evening, my lodging place ; 
where I learned I had yet forty miles to travel to reach 
Woodville. 

"Stranjer," — said my host — "it's a most powerful woody coun- 
try, and without no road, nor even blind trace worth naming — 
it being, a sort a kiver'd with ole leaves ; and thar's no cabin 
nearer nor King's — and that's more nor 15 miles. Howse-er, I'll 
set you over the river afore sun-up — and if you don't miss the 
trace, then you kin git to King's for breakfast." 

Almost devoured by flies, and then frightfully flea-bitten in bed, 
my dreams were naturally fantastic ; and I had visions of howling 
wildernesses, tangled thickets, prowling panthers, and great 
swollen fiery serpents. Woodsmen, also, I knew had been lost 
in that unsettled region ; and even last summer two persons had 
wandered about three days. Yet, I longed to be on my journey, 
and to know the worst ; and, with a hope my case would be differ- 
ent. Beside, I had a secret ambition to appear well as a woods- 
man in Domore's and Ned's eyes ; and I was aware Sylvan would 
even think better of me. if I crossed such a wilderness alone. It 
was something of a task with such men. 

Accordingly, by early dawn, I was ferried over, the river, and 
sat in my saddle, while my host, standing in his scow and ready to 
pole back, thus issued his final directions : 

"Ride strate up-bank whare you be — then keep spang a-head, 
across the bottim, without no turn at all, and, in a short quarter, 
you'll strike the d'sarted cabin. It's burnt now — but the logs are 
some on 'em a-layin' in a heap — that's whare the poor squatter 



^58 SIXTH YEAR 

was murdered and skulp'd in the war time, by the Injins. Well — 
arter you git thare, ride round to the west ind of the ole clerein, 
and you'll find the trace, sich as it is, if ain't kivered — and, if you 
get once fair on it — I sort a think you'll go safe enough to 
King's." 

That said, good byes were shouted; while the scow swung 
from the shore, and my noble creature ascended the bank; and 
we began to go a-head for the burnt cabin. Some declination was, 
indeed, necessary to get round unleapable logs, impassable thick- 
ets, and the like ; yet, prior to such deviations, having placed 
myself in a line with several objects before and behind, I easily 
regained my course, and, in a short time, came to the cabin ruins. 
Here we paused an instant, to contemplate the scene — so like what 
I had pictured in reading border tales! But, haste and anxiety 
allowed only short delay, and I rode quickly round to the west 
of the clearing ; where, after a narrow search along the edge of 
the forest I discerned the only semblance of a trace; and, into 
this, dashing with trembling confidence, I was soon hid in the 
shades of a true wilderness. 

However romantic such a wild may be in print, my thoughts 
in the wilderness itself, were all concentrated on one object — 
the path. And long what seemed the path, dim always and 
sometimes obliterated, as it led far away into the gloom of im- 
pervious shades, now turning almost back to skirt an impassable 
thicket, now tumbling almost perpendicularly into a deep ravine, 
and now scaling its opposite side, then mounting a ridge, then 
circling a pond of dark and dangerous looking water, and then 
vanishing for a few moments as of necessity it passed through 
patches of weeds and briars — long time this trace occupied all my 
meditations and excited my intensest watchings and kept me 
asking in a mental and often an audible voice — "I do wonder, if 
this is the way?" To which, as nobody else replied, I would 
answer myself — "Well, I guess it must be — if this is not, I'm 
sure I don't see any other!" 

And then, as though poor Kate shared my anxiety, would I 
say "Come ! Kate ! — cheer up, you shall soon have your breakfast 
— let's hurry on to King's !" When gaily tossing her fine head, 
and shaking her flowing mane, she would with her hoofs redouble 



SIXTH YEAR 459 

the echoes ; and away, away, with thrilHng hearts, we ever bounded 
onward and onward and farther and farther into the solemn 
grandeur of those primitive wilds ! 

In some two hours the trace, owing to the nature of the ground, 
became better defined and less interrupted ; hence, waxing confi- 
dent we indulged in a colloquy, self-congratulatory and maybe 
self-laudatory, thus : 

"Well, we're safe after all, Kate, I do believe! — wonder what 
Ned will say? — hey?" 

To this Kate switched an answer with her magnificent tail, and 
evinced increased eagerness to be going ahead ; and so with a real 
"hurraw ! my noble Kate? — hurraw !" on my part, and an addi- 
tional snort on hers, we were streaking on at the rate now of 
seven miles to the hour ! And then, in about four hours from the 
burnt cabin, we caught sight of King's cabin, crowning a mound on 
the far side of a small stream. 

Advancing to bespeak refreshments, I was met at the door 
by a portly lady, who proved to be that King's wife; and though 
no queen, was large enough for two queen patterns of the Vic- 
toria-Albert size. 

"Is this Mr. King's, ma'am?" 

"Well, I allow so; but my ole man's from home — he's went to 
a rasin two miles off " 

"You keep public, don't you, Ma'am?'' 

"Well, I allow so; but King's tuk the bakun with him to the 
rasin " 

"Ay? — can't I get something for my nag?" 

"Well, I allow so; jist go round to yan crib, and git what 
cawn you like." 

This done, and Kate left to enjoy so much corn as was whole- 
some, I entered the cabin and our conversation was renewed. 

"Well, but Mrs. King, ain't you got nothing at all a hungry 
fellow can eat?" 

"Stranjur — I'm powerful sorry — but we're teetotally out — he 
tuk every bit of food with him " 

"What's that — up there?" 

"Law, bless you, stranjur! that's a piece of most powerful 
rusty flitch — tain't fit for a dog to eat " 



46o SIXTH YEAR 

"Oh! ma'am, let's have it — why I can eat your dog himself — 
I'm so hungry." 

"He ! ha ! — well you ain't proud like the Fakilty bigbugs across 
thar at Wood'ill, that's sarten. How I do wish King hadn't a 
tuk the food ! But you ain't in arnest about the yaller flitch are 
you ?" 

"To be sure! — clap on your skillet, Mrs. King!" 

"Well — I do sentimentally wish it was better like. Let's see, 
here's a handful of meal in the bag arter all — ^and I'd a got it 
afore, only I allowed you was proud like. But I see you're 
none of that 'are sort — 'spose I do the meal?" 

"Thank you, ma'am! I know you would give me the best if 
Mr. King hadn't gone to the raising." 

The skillet was soon hot; and then received as many slices as 
could lie in comfort on the bottom. The colour of the dainty had 
been originally amber, the fat being then semi-transparent, as it 
was mast fed, i. e. fed on acorns and beech nuts. Time, however, 
fatal to beauty, had incrusted the flitch with an oxide of wonderful 
thickness and peculiar dirt colour, and turned its lovely amber 
transparency into a decided and opaque yellow. Something of the 
kind I had often seen in cot-days ; when, on being importunate for 
buckwheat cakes in the kitchen, Betty often threatened my face 
with "the griddle-greaser!" 

Mrs. King had shaken her bag into a large wooden bowl ; and 
the deposit was, one pint of second chop meal, minus half a gill 
something else, and a few horse hairs ; for, bags in attending mill 
are used as saddles, and pommelled between inexpressibles and 
perspiring horsebacks. Water then was poured into the com- 
pound; and the lady after handling the mixture zvithout gloves, 
produced a handful of good chicken-feed. Then the hissing flitch 
being hastily turned into a pewter plate with a damaged 
circumference, the feed was splashed in, like mortar into 
chinking, to be converted into corn bread. This transmigration 
over, the bread was associated with the flitch on the cloudy pew- 
ter, Mrs. King remarking that, "her man had tuk the crokry to 
the rasin;" and then, after wiping each thumb on her woollen 
petticoat, she invited me with the formula, "Well — come! set up." 

I was soon seated on my rickety stool at the board, or rather 



SIXTH YEAR 461 

hoards (as the table was of two such and a piece), and began to 
flourish my blade, — the knife belonging to that irascible class that 
had flown off the handle, — and, also, I began to look for its 
partner, the fork. But that had flown off ivith the handle, for, 
said she — "He tuk all thar knives and forks but this poor bit of a 
thing, and that was left 'cos it had no handle!" — "but, Stranjur," 
continued she, "jeest lend me that a minit, and I'll git you a fork." 

Out, then, darted Mrs. King; and soon returned manufactur- 
ing as she came a fork, and saying thus: "Thar, stranjur, this 
'ere I split off a rail, and cut down a sort a so to a pint, 'ill 
do for a fork better nor your fingers — albeit, I'm powerful sorry 
for our poor fixins." 

"Thank you, ma'am ! all the same — you've a kind heart ; and 
that's meat and drink in this world of ours, sometimes." 

Yet these and other speeches were continually interrupted by the 
rapid ingress of lumps of flitch and balls of bread. I regret to 
record, however, that while I used my fork to pin down the 
fat till its reduction to mouthfuls, I was compelled to eat, like a 
democrat, with my knife ! I made, indeed, some amends to a 
violated good-breeding, by sopping my gravy with bread in my 
left hand, — like a gentleman eating fish and other things, with a 
leaky silver fork. Singular! how the extremes of refinement and 
hoosierism do meet ! 

Dialogue Continued. 

"Well, I'm powerful rite down glad you kin eat sich like food ! 
what mought your name be — if it's no offence!" 

"Carlton, ma'am, I live in Woodville — " 

"Well — that's what I suspish'nd. Ned Stanley was out here 
last winter a huntin, and I heard him tell on you — as how you 
was a powerful clever feller — albeit a leetle of a big-bug. But 
I'll take your part arter this — and King shill too." 

"Oh! Mrs. King if we were all better acquainted with one 
another, we'd all think better of our friends and neighbours. But 
I must be off — what's the damage?" 

"Bless me ! Mr. Carltin, I don't take nuthin for sich a meal ! 
Put up that puss, if you want to be friends — I'm powerful sorry 



462 SIXTH YEAR 

King's away — call here next time, sir, and I allow, you'll git 
somethin good enough for a white man." 

"Thank you ! Mrs. King, thank you. Well — please give me 
directions — I'm not much of a woodsman." 

''Well, you're comin on. Howsever you've kim the wust ind of 
the trace, and wont find no diffikilty till about fifteen miles on at 
the next settlement, Ike Chuff's — whare you mought foller a cow 
path — and so you'd better stop thar and axe." 

In due time, and after a hard ride of thirty miles from the 
burnt cabin, we came in sight of Ike Chuff's clearing. As the 
trace ran plain and broad round the fence and across a small 
ravine, I was unwilling to waste time with needless inquiries, and, 
therefore, followed the line of path with undiminished confidence. 

The trace, indeed, narrowed — it once or twice vanished — all 
that was no novelty ; but at last we seemed to reach the vanishing 
point, for now, after the last vanish, the path never re-appeared ! 
In place of the one, however, were seen four ! and those running 
in as many different directions and evidently, like Gay's road — to 
no places at all! And so, for the neglect of inquiring, Kate and I 
had been judiciously following a cow-path! 

"Why not steer by the sun?" 

That is easy enough, my friend, in a country where there is a 
sun. I had, indeed, seen little of that "Great Shine" all day ; and 
for the last two hours nothing, a rain having then commenced 
which lasted till our reaching Woodville. 

"What did you do then?" 

Trusted to Kate to find the way back to Chuff's ; — as we had 
hardly gone two miles astray — and that she did in fifteen minutes. 

"What then?" 

You shall hear for yourself — "Hilloo ! the house !" 

"Well— hilloo ! what's wantin !" 

"The trace to Woodville — I missed it just now." 

"Sorter allowed so, when I seed you take the cow-path to the 
licks — 

"Well, my friend, why didn't you hollow to me?" 

" 'Cos I allowed you mought a ax'd if you ain't a woodsman — 
and if you be, you know'd the way to the licks as well as me." 

"Thank you, sir ; will you show me now ?" 



SIXTH YEAR 463 

'Take the path tother ind of the fence." 

Neighbour Chuff's settlement differs, you see, in suavity from 
King's. Still, the Hoosier's direction was right; and with noth- 
ing more romantic than our feed in the morning, we arrived pretty 
much used up to a late dinner in the evening at Woodville — hav- 
ing done more than forty zmlderness miles in about twelve hours ! 
For the whole, however, I was rewarded, when Dr. Sylvan that 
night called at our house and said with an approving smile : 

"Pretty ivell done ! pretty well done! After this I think we may 
dubb you a backwoodsman." 



CHAPTER LVn. 
''Ha! ha! ha! D'ye think I did not know you, Ha " 

Dr. Sylvan's visit was to announce the favourable reply of 
Dr. Bloduplex to the letter of the committee. But the people were 
in a new tumult; and a petition to the next Assembly was circu- 
lating for signatures, praying that the Trustees be ordered to 
expel either Clarence or Harwood, or both; and that while Blo- 
duplex should be elected as President, the professors should be 
taken each out of different sects. For, reader, the two existing 
members of the Faculty were both Rats ; and Dr. Bloduplex was 
of the same denomination ! This, however, was thcn^ the natural 
result of circumstances — that sect being twenty-five years since 
pre-eminent in learning, talent and enterprise. And this I am 
bound as a true historian to declare, although Dr. Bloduplex and 
myself do not belong to the same sect! — an impartiality to be re- 
membered to my credit hereafter. 

I perceive we have thoughtlessly given a clue to the sect meant. 
For when it is found by the reader what sect twenty-five years 
ago, was pre-eminent in the respects named, my secret so nicely 
kept is out— he has discovered the Rats ! But if such sect cannot 
be found, then among the fictitious things of this book will, I 

1 Learning and talents noiv are not necessary in teachers ; for there are 
many first-rate teachers without. Owing to the improved era. 



464 SIXTH YEAR 

fear, be placed our worthy President, the Rev. Constant 
Bloduplex. 

In this emergency, it occurred, that another petition in aid ap- 
parently of the other, and yet subversive, by reducing its princi- 
ples to an absurdity, should be sent to the Legislature, as the 
proper way for "Hoosier to fight Hoosier." Something must be 
done, because our magnates at the Capitol would certainly essay 
something disastrous to the college. Hence, the suggestion meet- 
ing Dr. Sylvan's approbation, the framing of said petition was 
committed to Mr. Carlton; when, in a few days the following 
able paper — (hem) — was submitted, corrected, approved, and 
adopted by our friends : 

"To the Honorable the Representatives of in General Assem- 
bly convened at Timberopolis, this petition of the People of 
Woodville and the Netv Purchase generally, is respectfully 
submitted: — 

"First, that the existing Faculty of our College be requested 
to resign before the election of a President, that all denominations 
may have a fair and equal chance for places : 

"Secondly, that, there being nine religious sects in our state, 
and three of philosophers, viz : — the Deistical, the Atheistical, and 
the Fanny-wright-dale-owen-istical, — three members of Faculty 
be annually elected out of each and every of these twelve sects 
and bodies — each set of three to serve one month, till the year 
ends, and then to recommence with other sets of three, and so on 
till the end of time. 

"Among many unanswerable reasons for this petition, we urge 
only four : — 

"i. It is the true Anti-federal Democratical and Pure Republi- 
can course, founded on rotation: for it is useless to assert that 
all have a right to become Professors, unless it can be shown pos- 
sible and practicable : 

"2. It will promote learning: for, when manifest that every 
body, in turn, can be Professor, every body will go to studying 
to get enough to last him at least a month : 

"3. It is said, confidently, by some sectarian leaders, that if they 
were in, their sects would each send one hundred students to 
College! Hence, all sects doing the same — as all will when one 



SIXTH YEAR 465 

does — our College flourishes at once with twelve hundred 
students ! ! 

"4. The amazing cheapness of the plan. It will cost nothing, 
except travelling expenses ! Your petitioners have been repeatedly 
informed, that no Democratical Republican and patriotic Citizen 
will charge a dollar for his one month's professional services ! — 
but that all will serve for the honour ! and hence our Transmon- 
tane Commonwealth shall show to the Whole Admiring World, 
the noble sight of the Greatest, Most Wonderful, Most Powerful 
Free School System in the Universe ! ! ! ! 

"This petition, and reasons, are respectfully submitted, and 
your petitioners — all, at least, that acknowledge a Supreme Being 
— will ever pray," &c. 

This petition was copied by James Sylvan, the Doctor's nephew ; 
who, being a talented young man, the paper was generally attri- 
buted to him. When circulated, it soon had the proper number of 
signatures — a few signing with a full understanding of its nature, 
and not a few believing it auxiliary to the other, and already 
signed by them! These latter thought, if one petition would do 
good, two would do more. 

Sorry am I to say, both Ned and Domore signed both papers ! 
Yet, afterwards, Ned insisted, with the most awful "busts of his 
rifle!" that he had signed the first only to please his neighbours! 
and then ours, to counteract the other's evil tendency ! ! Ned had 
a little of the Falstafif in him — and Shakespeare drew from life. 

Well, the petition was forwarded about Christmas : and a wag- 
gish member, who affected to be a very Adams in defence of the 
right of petition, contrived to present our paper before the ap- 
pearance of its enemy. And the efifect, they say, was such on the 
risibles of our "grave and reverend seigniors," that Insidias Cut- 
swell, Esq., who had charge of the other paper, did himself join 
heartily in the laugh, — (he always laughed if the majority in- 
dulged) — and never took the true people's-people's petition from 
his pocket! In justice must it be said, that, while that petition 
had been drawn up by himself ad hoosierandum, he was secretly 
glad to have it defeated. Still, he condoled with the signers, by 
lamenting and condemning "the unhappy state of indecorum at the 



466 SIXTH YEAR 

time too prevalent in the House, which rendered it unadvisable to 
submit grave and important matters to their consideration!" 



CHAPTER LVni. 

"In vain, alas ! in vain, ye gallant few ! 

From rank to rank your vollied thunder flew !" 

Campbell. 
" never did I hear 

Such gallant chiding, for, besides the groves, 

The skies, the fountains, every region near 

Seem'd all one mutual cry !" 

This autumn was remarkable for wild pigeons. The mast had 
failed elsewhere ; while with us, the oak, the beech, and all other 
nut trees, had never borne more abundant crops. The woods, 
therefore, teemed with hogs, squirrels, and all other nut-crackers, 
that, like the primitive men of poetry, preferred this acorn-life. 

How many swine were slaughtered this fall, I never learned: 
but, within six weeks, our upper and lower regiments of hunters, 
and simply by shooting occasionally around their clearings, on 
counting, at the muster, their squirrel scalps, found the sum 
more than 30,000 ! ! 

As to pigeons, the first large flocks, attracted no unusual notice : 
and, yet, were they mere scouting parties from the grand army! 
For, within a week, that army began to arrive, as though flocks 
had never before been seen! and all the birds under the whole 
heavens had been congregated into one company ! Had the leaves 
of our trees all been changed into birds, the number could have 
been no greater ! 

With a friend, I stood in an open space in the woods, two miles 
east of Woodville, from 10 o'clock A. M. to 3 o'clock P. M. — 
five hours — during which, with scarcely thirty seconds inter- 
mission, a stream of pigeons, about two hundred yards wide, and 
averaging two layers, flowed above us, and with the rapidity of 
thought! It was an endless hurricane on wings, rushing innoxious, 
yet with such an uproar as seemed to be prostrating the forests : 
and the deep reverberating thunder, in the distant wilds, seemed 



SIXTH YEAR 467 

to announce the fall of their ponderous and ancient trees! Never 
had I felt the awe and solemnity of sound thus ; even in beholding 
the wind-tempest pass over the same wilds, blowing the submissive 
woods, and bearing onward their wide tops, as if mown off with 
an angel's scythe !^ 

It will readily be thought, our hunters and sportsmen were in 
all places firing away at the living torrent : and yet, with but small 
loss to the pigeons. Rifles are useless in firing at very distant and 
flying troops ; and we had not more than a dozen Leather-stock- 
ings in the Purchase, able to single out and kill a bird at a time. 

"Why not use shot-guns?" What a question! "Well — but 
why?" Why, first and foremost, that toy could not be found in 
twenty houses in the whole Purchase. Secondly, our men could 
hardly be coaxed to use the thing, both out of contempt, and, 
what may seem strange, out of a little fear; for, as Ned said, "the 
spiteful critter kick'd so powerful." Beside, it is unfavourable to 
rifle-shooting to acquire the dodge taught by a shot-gun. But, 
lastly, the pigeons usually flew twenty yards above our trees — and 
that rendered the Mantons, or any best shot-guns, as efficacious 
nearly as — a quill and a spice of potato. 

However, all the shot-guns and horse-pistols were sought and 
fixed, so feverish became the excitement, and since there were 
half-cut backwoodsmen enough, and some degenerate natives to 
use them. But here was the next difficulty ; powder was plenty, 
— yet, who had shot ? In our store was not a pound ; and it was 
the same almost in the others. Still, a few pounds were ferretted 
from lurking places, and readily sold at thirty-seven and half cents 
for a scant pound : — whence was proved, that a pound of lead in 
shot-shape, is not even as heavy as a pound of feathers ! — the air- 
pump to the contrary notwithstanding. 

With immense persuasion, Ned and Domore consented to shoot 
horse-pistols : but they both utterly refused to fire off "store-shot." 
And, like some others, they hammered bullets into bars ; which 
were then cut into cubes and triangles, this being "a sort a-shootin 

^ There was a place about eight miles east of Bloomington which was 
known for many years as the "Hurricane," a region of considerable size, 
consisting of wild undergrowth and second growth where the great trees 
of the primitive forests had been leveled with the wind. 



468 SIXTH YEAR 

bullets, and no inkuridjment to store-keepers to bring out their 
blasted baby shot !" 

In justice to my own manhood, it must be told, I stooped not 
to the shot concern till after several days' failure in hitting with 
my rifle, a single bird, at 140 yards, and moving as near like "the 
greased lightning'' as possible: nor then, before the following 
accident showed there may be danger in firing a rifle as well as a 
shot-gun. Satisfied that the rifle must be fired now by the doc- 
trine of chances, and not of "the sights ;" and that the chance with 
one bullet was a "slim chance," it seemed better to multiply chances, 
and load with two balls instead of one. And yet the spaces be- 
tween the flying birds were as plentiful as birds; and, into these 
spaces the two balls chanced to go when they parted company, or, 
if they stuck together, it was, after all, but one chance. There- 
fore, we at last ventured on patching the balls separately ; and 
then, indeed, the efifect was considerably dififerent ; not, however, 
upon the pigeons, but at my end of the gun : for, at the flash, I 
was suddenly driven partly around, and with a tingling in the 
fingers supporting the barrel, while about me, for several yards, 
lay the silver mounting and ornaments of my rifle ! 

"What was the matter?'' 

The piece had burst ; and the stock was shattered up to the 
spot sustained by my left hand ! and, yet had I received no material 
injury! On the same day, and from the same cause, — (air inter- 
cepted between the patched balls) — another rifle burst; and, al- 
though the owner remained with its butt only in his hand, he too 
was unharmed midst the scattered fragments of wood and iron, 
Ned's remark about the accidents, was paradoxical, for he "Bust 
his rifle, if he allowed a rifle would a-biisted no how !" 

After this, I descended to the shot-gun. But, while I took my 
station in the opening already named, and, furnished with two 
and a half theoretic pounds of dififerent sized shot, fired away till 
all was expended, I was rewarded with only two pigeons — these 
being from a small cloud that, by some accident, flew a few yards 
below the tree-tops, and both killed at one fire. 

One evening, shortly after sunset, Ned Stanley brought a re- 
port into the village, that the pigeons were forming an encamp- 
ment for the night somewhere to the south-east. And, not long 



SIXTH YEAR 469 

after, this was confirmed by Domore, who had surprised an out- 
post, nestling in the woods within a mile and a half of Woodville. 

Had a scout brought intelligence of a hostile Indian band, our 
town could not have been more effectually roused and speedily 
armed. And now, verily, shot-guns and shot rose a thousand 
per cent. — like caterpillars' eggs in the mulberry fever ; and every 
where some body met any body and ei'ery body, legs and all, full 
tilt in search of the article ! Turkeys, sang, coon-skins, ven's'n- 
hams, and even cash (hoarded to buy land!) — were oft'ered for 
guns, pistols, and shot ! — and, all round, could be seen and heard 
men and boys hammering, rolling, and cutting shot ! Indeed, many 
intended to fire this extemporaneous shot out of — rifles ! And 
when hunters, or even semi-hunters, can so demean these — the 
temptation and excitement must be prodigious ! 

Some could not procure even rifles ; and these persons, by the 
aid of Vulcanus AUheart and his boys, had old pistol and gun 
barrels hastily mounted on rude stocks, to be fired in partnership, 
one holding the matchlock, and the other "touching her off" with 
an ignited stick or cigar. 

"What was all this stir about?" Why, for a night attack on 
the Grand Roosting Encampment ! For, since the Purchase be- 
came a purchase, never, in the memory of our oldest and most 
respectable squatters, had such an occurrence happened, as for 
the pigeons to roost so near Woodville ! Now, some had read in 
Ornithology, and others had been told by people from Ken- 
tucky — oh ! such wonders about roosts and encampments ! how 
pigeons covered all the branches ; and then perched on one another, 
till the trees became living pyramids of feathers ! And how, then, 
all tumbled down and killed themselves, till the ground was cov- 
ered with dead pigeons, oh! as much as two feet! — like quails 
round the Israelitish camp! Yes! and the pigeons slept so 
sound, and were so averse to flying in the dark, that you could 
walk up and gather birds from trees like wild-plums in a prairie ! 
Ay! and the farmers used to camp near a roost, with droves of 
hogs ; which (after the farmers had barrelled up enough birds for 
winter), were driven in every morning to be fattened on dead 
pigeons ! 

"Did you believe all that. Mr. Carlton?" 



470 SIXTH YEAR 

Well — I was but mortal — beside, every body said it would be 
such a most mighty powerful smart chance to get such a heap of 
pigeons ! I did not, indeed, go as far as some ; for I never ex- 
pected to find them two feet high, already dead, and, maybe, picked 
and ready for the skillet. Beside, I zvanted to go, and "who 
knows," says I to myself, "if there mightn't be some truth in the 
account after all." Hence, after five minutes cogitation, I hurried 
down after Clarence and Harwood — but, mark it, reader, I was 
met by those learned gentlemen, hastening up to Carlton's store, 
to consult on the same subject! For these persons, living in the 
edge of the forest, knew well enough that the pigeons were camp- 
ing, from the thunderings, like the deep and solemn mutter of an 
earthquake (although the nearest point of the camp proved 
nearly three miles distant), and hence, quite as excited and credu- 
lous as we small fry, they were posting up town to join a party : 

"Which way? Which way? neighbours!" 

"Coming up to your store, — are you going down to College?" 

"I was — did you hear what Domore and Ned say ?" 

"No — but, hark ! don't you hear them ?" 

"What ! — is that the pigeons?" 

"To be sure! — Carlton, won't you go?" 

"That's what I was coming down for " 

"That's your sort — agreed. Going to take a gun?" 

"No — guess not: all Woodville is out with guns — pistols — rifles 
— match-locks — and big keys, with touch-holes filed in — let's only 
take things to carry back birds in." 

"Agreed — they say you can pick a barrel under a tree — what 
shall we take?" 

"Bags?" 

"Yes — and a long string to tie them by the legs, and carry back 
on a pole !" 

"Ready now, Carlton?" 

"Yes — yes — yes ! let's keep on." 

"Well, stop at my house," said Clarence, "and there we'll fix a 
bag and some twine, and so lose no time." 

All was done quick as a squirrel's jump. Then guided by the 
sound, we put out, regardless of a course, and unable to discern 
objects dubious in the dim light of a waning moon, and partly 



SIXTH YEAR 471 

obscured by clouds. We were in Indian file, — now trotting, now 
running, and occasionally walking, — here stumbling over logs — 
there scrambling up and down gullies — then diving into sink-holes 
— then ripping through briar swamps! The conversation was 
monosyllabic and suggestive, performed with no little blowing and 
palpitation, and broken abruptly by exclamation, thus : — 

"Hark!" 

"Ye-e-s!" 

"Like — ooh ! — thun-der ! — hey !" 

"Ve-ry! Got— bag?" 

"Ooh ! — yes ! You — ooh ! — got — string ?" 

"Oho! ouch!— no \ he's got it— ooh!" 

"What now? oho! ouch! — bad briars here!" &c. &c. 

In about two miles, even this laconic dialect was difficult to 
use, being lost in the roar of pigeon-thunder — mingling with 
which was heard, however, the artillery, the outcries and shouts 
of our gallant village troops ! 

"Yes ! hark ! — they're pelting away ! Come ! come on! Get that 
bag ready — pull out those strings — hurrazv!" 

And yet it was curious — we had come to no outposts ! — had 
caught no drowsy sentinel pigeons on their roosts ! What on earth 
made the thunder so late at night ? How could pigeons, packed on 
one another, and with heads comfortably stuck under wings, keep 
up such an awful noise? Was it snoring? Ay! maybe it was the 
noise of pigeons tumbling down, and trees breaking — 

Hark! a storm rushes this way ! How sudden the moon is hid ! 
Is that a cloud? Yes, reader, it was a storm — but of pigeons 
rushing on countless wings ! It was a cloud — but of careering 
and feathered squadrons ! The moon was hid — and by a world 
of startled birds !- 

In vain our search that night for pigeon bearing trees ! In vain 
our bag and three strings ! We might have filled a bolster with 

- The editor remembers seeing in his childhood similar flocks of wild 
pigeons flying in vast masses over the forest trees, near Bloomington, 
armies of them that darkened the sky, flying north in the morning to, 
their feeding grounds and back in the evening to their "Grand Roosting 
Encampment." There was such a roosting place in the Ketchem neigh- 
borhood, ten miles south of Bloomington. 



472 SIXTH YEAR 

feathers ; but no bird living or dead burdened either our sack or 
lines ! The myriad hosts for miles and miles were on their wings ! 
and guns were flashing away in hopeless vengeance and idle 
wrath ! Neither shot nor ball could reach that world of wild 
fowl safe mid the free air of Heaven! Pitiful our bag and 
string! — pitiful our very selves! and all Woodville gazing from 
the dark depths of the woods upward on that boundless canopy of 
sounding, black, and rushing pinions ! 

To remain was worse than useless — it was hazardous ; at every 
flash of gunpowder, showers of shot foreign and domestic fell 
like hail on the leaves around us — and we fancied rifles cracked 
as if speeding balls, and that we heard the peculiar whistling of 
their death dealing music ! And we turned to go home. But the 
way thither had now become a question. That we were about 
three miles distant was probable; yet after turnings and windings 
in the dark, our puzzle was no wonder. Besides the moon, as if 
unable to penetrate the cloud of wings, had never re-appeared; 
and clouds of another kind had succeeded, whence heavy and fre- 
quent rain-drops now pattered on us ! 

At last we decided our course by instinct; in which we satis- 
factorily learned that human instinct is inferior to brute: for 
after a trot of ten minutes, sudden torchlights crossed our way at 
right angles, and a voice from one carrier thus hailed 

"Hilloo ! whar're you a travellin?" 

"To Woodville — whose that?" 

"To Woodville! — bust my rifle if you ain't a goin a powerful 
strate course on it " 

"Why Ned, is that you?" 

"That's the very feller ; why Mr. Carltin if you keep that course, 
you'll reach the licks about sun-up ! — why this here's the way — 
foUer our trail." 

"Ha ! ha ! Ned, I thought I was a better woodsman — keep 
a-head, we'll follow." 

"Well, you're puttee smart in the day-light, Mr. Carltin — but 
it's raythur more hardish to strike the course of a dark night." 

"Where's Domore, Ned?" 

"Foller'd arter the d pigins " 

"Don't swear, Ned, the preacher's here. Did you get any?" 



SIXTH YEAR 



473 



"Git any ! Nobody didn't git none. Bust my rifle if this ain't a 
judjmint on the settlemint for firing shot guns and shot out a 
rifles !" 

"I think myself, Ned, shot guns had something to do in 
scaring the birds so. But how far yet to Woodville ?" 

"Well, I can't jist about say sartinly — it taint more nor four 
miles no how — 'spose we a sorter stop talking — it hinders runnin ; 
and here goes for a fresh start." 

And start fresh did Ned and his party, and at a rate extremely 

prejudicial to easy conversation, and giving us genteel folks work 

enough to keep in sight of the torches. In little more than an 

hour, however, we stood in the edge of the clearings; when our 

course being pointed out by Ned, the parties separated, and I 

went with Harwood and Clarence to take supper at the house of 

the latter, — a supper ready to greet our arrival with a bag and 

string of pigeons ! 

****** 

I acknowledge it — this is a very tame and spiritless end of our 
pigeon tale — a very bad dove-tailing! Yet is it as natural as our 
flat and unprofitable feelings, when we sat down about twelve 
o'clock that night at Clarence's to an overdone, burnt up, taste- 
less supper — our poetry and romance all flown away with the 
pigeons, and washed out by the rain! However, we may add, 
that many followed the pigeons all night ; and once or twice small 
flocks were found settled on trees where about one hundred in all 
were killed — but the grand body was never overtaken. It con- 
tinued, perhaps, on the wing till a favourite roosting place some 
hundred miles south was reached, that being their direction. 
Domore got back at eight o'clock next morning, having done 
twenty-five miles and obtained twenty-two pigeons, with his hand, 
however, much injured by the recoil or bursting of his horse pistol. 
Hence shot guns were in worse odour than ever and no light 
curses heaped on "all sich spiteful bird skerers and them what 
made and shot em !" 

Domore, indeed, soon recovered : when his first rifle-shot after- 
ward was so melancholy in its consequence, as to make him 
abstain from his favourite weapon and hunting for many months. 
With that account we conclude this chapter. 



474 SIXTH YEAR 

He went out several hours before day-break and lay in wait 
at a salt-lick for a deer. Here he waited patiently till the dawn ; 
and then opposite his station his keen eyes discovered in the 
bushes the cautious approach of an animal, and soon he caught 
a glimpse of its body. To flash his eye through the sights and to 
touch the trigger was instinctive — and then came the cry not of a 
wounded deer or bear, but of human agony ! Domore flew to the 
spot ; and what was his horror there to see bleeding on the ground 
and apparently dying, poor Jesse Hardy, his intimate friend, and 
the honest fellow who had been with us in the cave ! 

He, too, had come to watch the lick ; and had Domore been 
later than Hardy, their fates, perhaps, had been reversed ! Gen- 
erally great precaution is employed by our hunters to prevent 
such mishaps, yet sometimes with all, they do occur. Happily in 
the present case the wound, though severe, was not mortal, and 
Hardy in a few minutes so recovered as to speak ; when Domore, 
after doing what seemed proper, left his friend for fifteen minutes, 
and then was again on the spot with the assistance of a neighbour- 
ing family. The wounded man was carefully removed to the 
cabin ; and Domore mounting a horse darted away full speed 
for Dr. Sylvan. The Doctor came ; and being a skilful surgeon, 
as he had in that capacity served in the war a regiment of mounted 
riflemen, he used the best means of cure ; and in two months, by 
the divine favour, poor Jess was able to return to his domestic 
duties. During this confinement Domore did all he could for his 
friend, and also for the widow-mother, supplying as far as possi- 
ble the place of a son ; and although after Jess recovered, Domore 
hunted again with his rifle, he never again, while we were in the 
Purchase, went out to watch a lick. 



CHAPTER LIX. 

"Like other tyrants death delights to smite, 
What, smitten, most proclaims the pride of power 
And arbitrary nod. His joy supreme 
To bid the wretch survive the fortunate; 
The feeble wrap the athletic in his shroud 
And weeping fathers build their children's tomb." 

Scarcely had the gloom from the late melancholy occurrence 
been dispelled before our settlements were trembling at reports 
of a coming, resistless, unpitying, destructive foe — the Asiatic 
Cholera ! 

Innumerable were our schemes to turn aside, evade, or coun- 
teract, this fell disease ; and all fear of other sickness and death 
was absorbed in fear of this! As if God had only one minister 
of vengeance, or of chastisement ! As if He was to be dreaded in 
the thunder and tempest, and forgotten in the calmness and sun- 
shine ! Indeed, that only dreaded death then came not ; — God 
sent another messenger of terror and of mercy — The Scarlet 
Fever ! 

This disease appeared first and without apparent cause in the 
family of Dr. Sylvan. Thence, in a few weeks, it spread carrying 
death and mourning into most of our habitations. It followed no 
known law, sometimes yielding and then refusing to yield to the 
same treatment and in the same as well as different families : and 
often in other places resisting the established, or dift'erent, or 
even opposite treatment, and sweeping all into the grave ! The 
cholera then had no alarms ! The King of Terrors was among 
us in forms as frightful and destructive ! 

Then was it, dear one ! after days and nights of ceaseless and 
anxious watchings, and after fitful alternations of hope and fear, 
we saw those eyes, so soft and yet so brilliant, suddenly and 
strangely quenched — as though life had retreated thither to a last 
refuge and death, having long before triumphed o'er thy dear, dear 
form, did there, as a last act, put out that most precious light! 
****** 

What didst thou mean by those mysterious words in the dying 

4/5 



476 SIXTH YEAR 

strife? — "Father! father! how tired I am!" Was it so hard to 
die? — * * Didst thou hear, in answer, the wailings of bitterest 
anguish? — or feel on thy cold cheek the last kisses — while tears 
wet that face, changing and passing for ever? * * * Sleep, dear 
babe ! in thy bed under the forest leaves, amid those lone graves — 
we shall meet, and, never to part — no ! never I 

Clarence had buried two children in the far East : he was now 
called to lay another in the far West. That Sabbath morning can 
never be forgot! Among others, who suffered most, was our 
fellow-citizen Mr. Harlen. His four children were all deaf-mutes. 
Two of these had died in succession, at an interval of eight days : 
and, when the second lay in its little coffin, in front of the pulpit 
in the Methodist Chapel, the third, a fine boy, nine years old, 
distressed at some supposed error, stole from his weeping parents 
in the church, and, advancing to the coffiti of his dead brother, 
placed the bier as to him seemed suitable and decorous ! Poor 
darling one ! on the next Sabbath, he lay in his own coffin on that 
same bier, and before that same pulpit ! And another coffin, and 
another bier, were there — and the chief mourner was Clarence! 
The heartbroken parents of the mutes — (ay! mute, indeed, now!) 
— had entreated him to pray for themselves, if possible, that day 
in public ! He did so. And over the coffins of their dead children, 
he spoke to others and himself too, words of consolation; and 
offered prayer to Him that can and did bind up the broken in 
heart, and raise up them that were bowed down ! 

Mournful train! The vision is before me ever — as it emerges 
from the house of God ! It slowly ascends the hill ! — the two 
coffins! — the two stricken households! — the False One between 
friends at that double burial! The train is entering the Forest 
Sanctuary! They are separating, some to lay the deaf one with 
his kin — some to see the stranger lay his babe near my buried 
one! 

Reader! I now write many things in playfulness — none 



in malice — yet, years of my life passed, when sadness only was in 
my heart ; and words and thoughts of pleasantness were impossi- 



SEVENTH YEAR 477 

ble! Ay! the gloom of hell, if not its despair, possessed my soul! 
But, I have found religion not inconsistent with great and habitual 
cheerfulness. Nay, thoughts of death, judgment, and eternity, 
may be ever present and ever dominant in a mind taught by many 
sorrovi'S to make light of the things of time and sense! 

How do these solemn words and things sort with thy cheerful- 
ness? For, remember, by the agreement or disagreement, your 
character is: and that thine most certainly, as mine, are — Death — 
— Judgment — Eternity ! 



CHAPTER LX. 



Seventh Year. 



"While he from one side to the other turning, 
Bareheaded, lower than his proud steed's neck, 
Bespake them t'hus : — / thank you, countrymen: 
And thus still doing, thus he pass'd along." 

"Smooth runs the water, where the brook is deep, 
And in his simple show he harbours treason." 

Cheer up! reader, only one and a half year more in the Pur- 
chase ! In this time, we lived, also, very fast, and were so occu- 
pied with great matters as to overlook little things ; therefore, we 
shall not be tedious. Beside, I am tired riding about ; and hence, 
you will be dragged no more through the wooden world, except 
to the Guzzleton Barbecue. 

We now introduce a very uncommon personage, a most power- 
ful prodigious great man. the first of the sort beheld in the New 
Purchase — the very Reverend Constant Bloduplex, D. D. — in 
all the unfathomable depths of those mystic letters! And this 
character, supposed to be invented for the purpose, will 
be an important study to the literati, whether branded on the head 
or the tail, D, D. or d. d. — P. or p. : and who aspire to dictate ex 
cathedra. All such strong-headed men can here receive important 
hints and directions, and have examples how best to discharge 



478 SEVENTH YEAR 

their official duties. We can now show "a thing or two :" and 
some never seen or heard of in the East! Yea! some which the 
wise Solomon himself never did or imagined in all his experiments, 
drunk or sober ! 

"Indeed ! go on then, sir." 

Well, the Reverend Gentleman had lately written, to state his 
acceptance of the Presidency; although it would compel him to 
resign much more eligible stations, and make very unpleasant in- 
terruptions in his domestic comforts : and also, that he would be 
ready to set out for his new home in the early spring. In due 
season, followed a letter, naming the time his journey would be 
commenced, and when and where he might be met on the river. 

Then should you have been at Woodville, to see our folks hop 
about ! All, at least, favourable to the conduct of the Board. 
However, some, opposed to rats, agreed to suspend hostilities ; 
being persuaded by Dr. Sylvan, Mr. Clarence, and specially Mr. 
Harwood, that our President was a man of uncommon worth, 
talents, patriotism, and enterprise. Yet, a few honest, but per- 
haps mistaken, persons, from a sincere love of their own sectarian- 
ism, remained our opponents, if not our enemies. At present, we 
were the decided majority, and therefore the people's people: 
and so we determined to do things in style. Out of reverence, 
then,^ to the mian, and regard for his station, we resolved to meet 
him with an escort ; to honour him with a procession, an illumina- 
tion, and a feast! And all this was by and with the consent and 
advice, and under the superintendence, and at the expense mainly, 
of Clarence and Harwood, aided by Sylvan and Carlton. Hence, 
nemine contradicente, it was ordered: 

1. That Mr. Carlton, Sen'r, and James Sylvan, Jun'r, be the 
escort from the river: 

2. That the students prepare an illumination of the Colleges : 

3. That Mrs. Clarence, and a dozen other feminine citizens, 
fix the President's house, and prepare his first supper : and 

4. That Mr. Clarence be as ubiquitous as possible, and see that 
every thing was as straight as — a shingle. 

At the proper day, the escort started. On passing through vil- 
lages and loggages, we so fired up the citizens, that in many places, 

^ Adverb of time. Vide Murray — or some of his pilferers. 



SEVENTH YEAR 479 

it was promised to meet our Great Man with inferior processions, 
like an ovation — the Grand Triumphal being to be at Woodville. In 
one town, with a Jewish name,- we met no encouragemlent — not 
from want of good-will in the inhabitants, but simply because 
there were no inhabitants there. Like Goldsmith's village, it was 
deserted — the inhabitants having all been shaken out by the ague : 
although we could not say, as some one of Ireland, "in it snakes 
are there none." 

Finally, after an uncommon abrasion of inexpressible-seats, and 
green baize leggins — (for, like Gilpin, we rode, if not for a 
wager, yet for a President) — we dismounted and tied our horses 
at the Ohio. 

:!: ^; * * * 5); 

(N. B. The MtS. here was so blotted, the Editor could not 
read it.) 

^: * * * * :): 

and but the steamer was now seen descending 



on the swollen bosom of the waters, belching fire and smoke as if 
in labour, and longing to be delivered of the great weight of char- 
acter and influence she was painfully bearing to our inland wilds — 
apt likeness, too, of Man of Pufifs ! Oh! the exciting moment! 
Now ! we shall see a Man ! — we shall have the honour of riding 
before him — of showing him to the natives, as Boswell showed 

J ohnson to the Scotchmen ! and 

(Here my friend Mr. C. seems to have been so nervous 



that his MS. defies my powers to decipher — several pages, there- 
fore, are necessarily omitted. — Editor.) 

" when, then, do we set ofl:', Mr. Carlton?" 

"To-morrow morning. Doctor. We will now cross the river, 
and join your family on the New Purchase side." 

"Is this our skiff?" 

"Yes, sir. Well, since we are afloat. Doctor, how do you think 
you will like our wooden country?" 

"Don't name it, sir. I already repent my precipitancy: if all 
could be recalled, I should be better pleased." 

"You surprise me. Dr. Bloduplex !" 

- Salem. 



48o SEVENTH YEAR 

"Yes, sir, I have been hasty : I would gladly be in my former 
place." 

"But, our College " 

"Mr. Carlton, plague me not about the college — I shall have 
plenty of that when I get to Woodville." 

Conversation, where one is ardent and the other cold, becomes 
sissee or sissy: — a dialogue between cold water and hot iron. 
Our escort had too much at stake in the success of the institution, 
not to feel now something like a damper on his spirits ; and he, 
therefore, remained in a ruminating way the rest of the passage — 
nay, during the evening — yea, when he got into bed. In vain 
chastised he his own zeal, as too zealous — in vain apologised for 
the President's want of firmness and lack of interest in Wood- 
ville matters — it did still occur that the good Doctor should have 
counted the cost, and been absorbed in the "great enterprise for 
which he had willingly and joyfully sacrificed himself?" Had he 
not "left riches, and honours, and glories" of the Wheelabout 
country deliberately and "conscientiously" — and ought he not to 
have had a little patience with an escort that "had paid the 
postage" of a horse, and nearly ruined a pair of green leggins and 
a pair of blue unmentionables? And then sneaked in remem- 
brances of conversations with certain "Brethren," intimately ac- 
quainted with the President's remarkable life and history — con- 
versations once attributed to envy, and jealousy, and odium the- 
ologicum — and yet so cognate to the late behaviour — that battle 
the suspicion as he would, it did seem, as they said, "we should 
soon find out and be bitterly disappointed with Dr. Bloduplex — 
that he was no safe confidant — and if we slighted warning, we 
should in the end find a person that could blow hot and cold with 
the same breath." 

However, we resolved to make the inland journey pleasant, 
and honourably to do the escortorial duties, and boldly throw away 
all suspicions and uncharitable inferences — yet to be guarded. 
When, therefore, next day the President showed a phase differ- 
ent from the one in the boat, the author, after listening now to 
an enthusiastic sermon on Colleges, Woodville, the Far West in 
general, the Mississippi valley in particular, and the nobleness of 
doing good for goodness' sake — away packing sent he his base 



SEVENTH YEAR 481 

and injurious suspicions, and began, in the amiable weakness of 
his nature, to look up to the Doctor with even greater admiration, 
and no small admixture of filial reverence ! And then in his turn 
— ^being of course all the time on his guard! — Mr, C. opened 
his budget, and told about Woodville, and the peoples, and the 
Trustees, and Harwood, and Clarence, and AUheart, and Domore, 
and Ned, and all ! 

"That was indiscreet, Mr. Carlton." 

Granted : but we felt then like a son with a father — were anx- 
ious to make amends for our mental injury — and beside, this 
leaky state of our mind seemed so to interest the good Doctor — 
he condescended to ask so many leading questions — and laughed 
and cried so easy and naturally at various narrations. Indeed, he 
innocently started fresh leaks in a vessel that never held well at the 
best — but like Robert Hall's, the noble Baptist, used to pour out 
at the slightest excitements : or, to change the figure, the Doctor 
finding water increasing in the hold, managed the pumps so 
adroitly and incessantly as to empty the whole chest — or some 
such place in the body corporate, where secrets are contained. 

"Still, sir, you were too much of a gossip." 

Ah ! but consider, dear reader, we had nothing else to talk 
about. Moreover, I only gave story for story : and whenever I 
told any thing about Woodville, he matched it with something 
about Wheelabout. And in these he contrived to anticipate and 
answer all inquiries that perchance might be some day instituted 
concerning History, in that region — till I looked on him as a hero, 
statesman and saint, basely maligned, persecuted and driven — 
(for driven it seemed he had been) — away by cruel foes and 
unjust popularity. 

"What did he tell you?" 

Excuse me : — I can tell — but that would betray what was told 
in confidence! And I am not so great a man as Dr. Bloduplex, 
and must not look so high for an example, although twelve 
months after this ride the Doctor — did remember all my gossip, 
things said playfully and idly, and some seriously, and did narrate 
and comment on them, and dratv inferences from them, and that 
before discontented students, collected at his house — before Dr. 
Sylvan alone — before the Board of Trustees convened as a court 



482 SEVENTH YEAR 

of trial! Ay! and so full to overflowing was his remarkable 
memory, that he recollected "what Mr. Carlton should have told 
him! — but which Mr. Carlton never did. tell him!^ 

However, let us get back to Woodville. On the way, before 
arriving at a village, James Sylvan, Jun., would hasten forward 
to announce our approach; when, by previous arrangement, we 
were met half a mile south of each clearing, and honoured witW 
the ovation: immediately after which we usually had another in 

^ The editor has neither desire nor intention to enter into the merits 
of this college quarrel to which Mr. Hall's closing pages are largely de- 
voted. No doubt in this case, as in most differences among good men, 
blame may be safely allotted to both sides. It seems to have been almost 
entirely a personal matter and what appeared large to the participants 
seems at this distance of time rather a petty matter. The people of 
"Woodville" were soon laughing at President Wylie's shoving Prof. 
Harney off the footlog into the branch down by the "tan yard" on South 
College Avenue, near the site of the present central school building. 
For many years that episode was one of the amusing stories of early life 
in Bloomington. A personal feud had arisen and angry passions were 
aroused. After these had cooled down all the parties to the quarrel re- 
gretted, each for himself, the things said and done. Within a few years 
Hall felt ashamed of some of the passages in his book. He was ready to 
forgive, if not to forget. In the twelve years that elapsed between the 
two editions of his book, Hall had reasons for softening some of his 
judgments. The asperities of the old quarrel had disappeared and re- 
flection had mitigated the author's sentiments toward his college asso- 
ciates at Bloomington. When he was preparing his second edition in 
1855 he wrote to Mr. Nunemacher, his New Albany publisher : "I 
looked four or five times at the Bloduplex business but could not con- 
dense to do any good. Professor Bush is in favor of the omission ; says 
it was 'clique-like' etc. Dr. McLean, of Princeton, advised to leave it 
out." Hall hoped to reduce it, but later he wrote : "All the chapters and 
passages relative to Dr. Bloduplex (President Wylie) are by all means to 
be discarded. This gentleman richly deserved all that was done to him 
some years ago — but he is now in the other life, and I hope in a better 
one." In another letter he says : "In the work are here and there certain 
words and expressions that have caused me often much sorrow in re- 
membering and I would have given many dollars if they could have been 
blotted out. And more especially there would be so manifest an unkind- 
ness in retaining a vast amount of what pertains to the late President of 
a certain college that I would nearly as soon consent to have a finger 
taken off as to continue that." 

"I have thrown out from the work about 130 pages ; — the raciness is 
not in the least lost, — the book is improved, and I shall not be ashamed 
of it now." 



SEVENTH YEAR 483 

the shape of eggs and bacon. At Melchisedecville our courier — 
a little waggishly — simply announced the President! In the 
course of the evening our hotel was duly visited by some demo-' 
crats in shirt sleeves, and some without a shirt — to see that old 
character — President Hickory- Face ! They saw, however, a hero 
with a much smoother phiz, of softer words, but in all probability 
of a tougher conscience. 

By the end of the third day, we could hear the cow-bells jingling 
homeward towards Woodville. The cows, a little in advance, 
were hurried forward by our courier, in a long line, with un- 
wonted speed, unusual clamour, great mudsplashings and tail 
lashings; from all which it was conjectured by the look-outs in 
the edge of the Woodville clearing, that something was coming! 
Indeed, as nothing else could have produced such commotion and 
uproar. Professor Harwood mounted into the crotch of the great 
old Beech at the Spring, and peering thence into the forest, he 
soon exclaimed : 

"Fall in ! fall in ! — Sylvan's behind the cows ! I see his handker- 
chief waving on his whip! Fall in! the President is coming?" 

Hence when we came within a few rods of the clearing, there 
sure enough they all stood in double file — 

"What ! the cows !" 

Pshaw ! no — but Harwood, and the students, and the citizens — 
all in their Sunday clothes ! And then taking off their hats — all, 
I mean, that had any — they gave us, as we passed between the 
opened lines, three or four most terrific cheers ! 

How the President felt I know not — but I, fondly hoping our 
college and town were both made — I was fairly lifted above my 
horse! and stood in the stirrups — I rejoiced as for my own hon- 
our, — thinking, too, I foresaw the rapid and lasting growth of 
learning, and science, and civilization, and religion. That Clar- 
ence rejoiced also, I well know — it was for this he had voluntarily 
stood aside and made room for an "elder, I did not say, a better 
soldier!" That Harwood rejoiced likewise, I well know — nay, 
without Harwood's suggestions and after efforts, Bloduplex had 
yet been in the peacefulness of his earlier wars — the triumph of 
his first victories over the incautious and open hearted ! And 
yet that Harwood was soon hurled from his own ofiice — his living 



484 SEVENTH YEAR 

taken away — his reputation ! — ^but stay, we must not write faster 
than we lived, although very fast did we now live, if a large ex- 
perience of evil constitute fast living ! 

We omit the supper, and pass to the illumination. Pause we, 
however, to state that, in addition to Little College and Big Col- 
lege, we boasted now a third edifice, which may properly here be 
styled Biggest College. Some time since our Board had ordered 
the erection of a new building, and appointed a Committee to 
carry the order into efifect; who, being carpenters and masons, 
lost no time, but taking the contract themselves, went immediately 
to work. Hence, one morning was very unexpectedly seen a sur- 
veyor running a line across the Campus, driving down stakes, 
&c. — and also several labourers digging a foundation ! Profes- 
sor Harwood accidentally passing, asked in surprise what was 
meant: and he was answered, "it's for the New College!" 

"College ! ! — why we have no plan yet." 

"Plan! — why it is to be like the Court-House — and aint that 
hig enough?" 

The next moment Harwood was at my store; and out of 
breath began: 

"I say, Carlton! — do you know what's going on our way?" 

"No: what?" 

"Why they're digging away at the foundation of the new 
College—" 

"No! you're quizzing " 



"Quizzing! — yes, quiz it will be on a large scale: they are 
actually going to put up a building the express size and pattern 
of that odious Court House!" 

"Impossible ! — let's go down and stop it." 

And, sure enough, there was a foundation marked ofT for a 
building exactly square, about 50 feet to the side! Happily we 
had some influence, and some trustees had some shame : and hence, 
while the work could not be stopped, the contracts having been 
secretly disposed of and shared among our own trustees and their 
friends, an order was procured for an enlargement of the aflfair, 
making the house 30 feet longer ; and instead of two, three stories 
high! And this is the true history, although Dr. Bloduplex 
prided himself with having suggested in his letters "the just pro- 
portions:" the proportions, just or unjust, were wholly acci- 



SEVENTH YEAR 485 

dental, and owing to the cupidity of the contractors, and not to the 
love of classical or unclassical architecture. 

Well, on the memorable night of the President's arrival. Little 
and Big Colleges were very tastefully illuminated in the eastern 
way; but on Biggest College, then incomplete, had been raised 
above the roof a pole perpendicular to the apex. The upper end 
of said pole, passed through the centre of radiating pieces 
bounded by a circumference, and continued to rise yet a few feet. 
Near its top crossed a bar at right angles ; and at each end of the 
bar a candle represented a Professor — a very large candle on the 
extremity of the pole itself personated the President. The Stu- 
dents stood in other candles around the circle below% and just 
described ; so that the Greater and Lesser Lights of the Purchase 
glimmered forth to night, in all the glory and effulgence of cotton 
wick and beef-tallow. 

It was a proud night! and not undelightful our emotions and 
anticipations, as we stood in the edge of the wilderness, late the 
lurking place of the Indian, and yet concealing the bear, the wolf, 
the panther, and gazed on those symbolical tapers! It did seem 
that Mind in its march had halted and erected her standard! 
But even while we gazed, those tapers became oddly extinguished ! 
First, one after another, died away the lights of the circle! — 
then the lights at the extreme ends of the bar, first Clarence, then 
Harwood! — while the light topping the pole was left, feebly 
burning, indeed, and spluttering, yet triumphant and alone ! 
"Was that ominous of what follows?" 

So Aunt Kitty insists. Beside, she fortified her superstition 
by a dream! She dreamed that very night! that Mr. Clarence 
vvas seated in his great rocking chair, on the top of Biggest Col- 
lege, and that a wind, insidious, noiseless, and yet resistless, came 
like a double-blowing tornado, and hurled him to the earth ! 

Events soon happened strangely corroborative of the old lady's 
ideas and misgivings — and we can only account for those things, 
as Southey for the unaccotintables, in Wesley's life — "there are 
more things in heaven." &c. Some said the Top Candle burnt and 
smoked the longest, because it contained the largest amount of 
gross animal matter, and was most zuick-ed; but still that, you 
know, does not account satisfactorily for Aunt Kitty's dream, 
does it? 



CHAPTER LXI. 

"Trust not those cunning waters of his eyes, 
For villainy is not without such rheum : 
And he, long traded in it, makes it seem 
Like rivers of remorse, and innocency." 

President Bloduplex was, as is usual, the son of his father 
and mother, being born in very early life, at an uncertain moment 
of a certain day or night, near Wheelabout.^ 

His talents were good ; his acquirements respectable especially 
in Classics, Antiquities, History, and Literature in general ; — still 
they were not uncommon. In Mathematics and Sciences, we can- 
not state his attainments ; and simply because we never discovered 
them — yet he must have got beyond arithmetic, since Clarence, in 
return for aid in Greek, did gratefully assist the Doctor in Alge- 
bra. Harwood, indeed, thought the President's attainments in 
such matters inconsiderable; but then Harwood was Professor 
of Mathematics and may have expected too much. At all events 
the President set no great value on these matters, making himself 
merry at Clarence's expense, on accidentally discovering that this 
gentleman was studying Mathematics under the guidance of his 
friend Harwood, while Harwood read Latin and Greek with 
Clarence. 

As a companion, no man could be more agreeable than our 
President. It was this led our young Professors to unbosom in 

1 President Andrew Wylie was born in Western Pennsylvania, near 
Wheeling, West Virginia, April 12, 1789. He graduated at Jefferson 
College, Canonsburg, Pa. in 1810 with the first honors of his class. 
He became a tutor in his Alma Mater immediately after his graduation 
and two years later was made President of the College. In 1817 he 
resigned the Presidency of Jefferson and became President of Washing- 
ton College, Pa., seven miles from Canonsburg. Both of these colleges 
were supported by the Presbyterians and Dr. Wylie hoped to unite the 
two. Local rivalries and sectarian differences between the liberal and 
the stricter and more orthodox branches of the Presbyterian church 
prevented this union. There were college quarrels at Washington and 
President Wylie's position became uncomfortable for him. He resigned 
in 1829 to accept the Presidency of Indiana College which had been 
chartered by the State in 1828. 

486 



SEVENTH YEAR 487 

his presence — and even when, in an unguarded moment, the 
President remarked — "friendship is a word I have blotted from 
my vocabulary !" — they thought he suspected other men only and 
not themselves. But before long it was found he had confidence 
in nobody ; and that he looked on all men as enemies, to be man- 
aged, resisted, counteracted, circumvented. This was his proton 
pseudos, to imagine all sorts of wickedness and chicanery in all 
others; and then to combat all with such weapons as he fancied 
they were using or would use against him ! Hence said Harwood 
once, — "depend on it, when Bloduplex tells us of the meanness, 
and duplicity, and falsehood, and machinations of Doctor Red and 
others in Wheelabout, towards himself, he has used the same 
towards them." But Harwood was a young man, and may have 
been mistaken. 

Doctor B. was an excellent preacher, and a still better lecturer, 
whether is regarded the matter or the manner: and some of his 
pulpit exhibitions were surpassingly fine. His theological opin- 
ions, like the Oxford Tracts, were for the "Times :" his only 
decided opinion in theology being that "there were worse men in 
hell than Judas Iscariot." 

Like King David, our President, but in a different sense, had 
been "a man of war from his youth ;" and in some adroit way — 
{he attributed it partly to his elocution) — he had usually worsted 
his enemies and even his friends, too, in ecclesiastical combats 
before the clerical courts ! Indeed, so thoroughly had he devoured 
things as to have "used himself up !" One demolished brother in 
the middle east attributed the victory over himself to the "Doc- 
tor's peculiar memory, which had no tenacity in things that made 
against himself, but retained all and more, too, of such as were in 
his own favor." But that was the fault of his Phrenological 
organization ; and he only acted in obedience to the laws of his 
nature. 

My own opinion is, President B. owed most of his victories — 
and some of his defeats — to his Wonderful Religious Experience! 
which in the stereotyped crying places always when first heard 
inclined rveak believers to his side ! I well know the peril of med- 
dling with this Experience ; since the Doctor soberly arraigned 
both Clarence and Harwood for sniggering when they heard its 



488 SEVENTH YEAR 

third or fourth repetition — although the Judges would not con- 
demn the accused, inasmuch as a moiety of said Judges did snigger 
and sneer a little themselves when the Experience was enacted for 
them! 

Ay ! the Player did sometimes so overdo this part as not only 
to look excessively silly, but to see in other men's faces that he had 
been making a special fool of himself ! "A donkey," — says ^sop 
— "boasting descent from a generous race horse, failed, however, 
in a certain race ; when, humbled and ear- fallen, he had a shad- 
owy recollection of his father — an ASS." A dim remembrance 
of that donkey's true progenitor, very respectfully named in more 
than one solemn court and conclave, and as an accompaniment to 
the Religious Experience, may enable our worthy Divine, if he 
still live, to see one reason why (if, he failed not often to destroy 
his foes), he has so completely destroyed himself. 

"Yes — but, by your own account, he did overthrow both Clar- 
ence and Harwood." 

Reader — a double-cone seems to be rolling up hill, on its in- 
clined planes : and yet is it all the time really going down hill ! 
According to his threat, he did "trample both Trustees and Fac- 
ulty under his feet ;" — ^but it has proved to himself only a rolling 
up-hill downwards ! 

Some will think we are manufacturing a character : and, maybe, 
critics will say it is a very poor one after all, and that any second 
rate genius could have invented a much better. Well, honesty is 
the best policy ; and, although it may affect the sale of the book 
one way or the other, we must say that Bloduplex is really a 
fictitious character! 



CHAPTER LXH. 

"Contention, like a horse 
Full of high feeding, madly hath broke loose, 
And bears down all before him." 

Such being our Fictitious Bloduplex, can any critic say, a 
priori, what will be suitable action? Perhaps, the popular induc- 
tive method had better been followed, and the ascent to the char- 



SEVENTH YEAR 489 

acter taken place from the actions a posteriori: and that would 
have sorted with our President's favourite English use of that 
backsided logical phrase. Let none, here, exclaim, Mystery ! We 
live in a mysterious age. Is it not the era of Animal Magnetism? 
— of Phreno, or Phreney-magnetism? — of Transubstantiation? — 
Repudiation? — Wax Candles? — Holy Vestments? Is there not a 
laying, all through the pomps and vanities of the world, clear up 
to heaven, a Spiritual Rail Way, by which a vile sinner, touched 
and started by the proper persons, or their deputies and proxies, 
shall be in glory in a jiffey? — and that whether puritanically con- 
verted and sanctified or not ! But — 

Dislike was, in due time, expressed by the President for his 
Cabinet, conjectured to spring from — i. His jealousy of equals, 
and suspicious and untrustful temper: 2. His determination for 
a very low grade of studies — especially in Mathematics, and even 
in Classics,- -he being resolved to level down and not up: 3. His 
love of ease, and wish to get along with a relaxed, or rather no 
discipline : 4. His using discipline as an instrument of avenging 
himself on students disliked by him: 5. His domineering and 
tyrannical temper: 6. His prying disposition, by which he was 
led to have spies in the professors' classes, and to watch when 
they came and went to and from duties. &c. : 7. His desire to 
make room for former pupils and relatives: 8. His erroneous 
theology. 

Hence, without consulting his peers, nay, contrary to their 
known wishes and earnest remonstrances, he tried to discipline 
students at will, and to suspend and dismiss ; he permitted some 
to be graduated, and who now hold imperfect diplomas, signed 
with his sole name : and he commanded what the Professors 
should and should not do, and what teach, and how. answering 
their arguments with insult and derision, and threatening to stamp 
them and the trustees also under his feet ! He pretended to think, 
and dared to assert, that the discipline of a College was of right a 
President's special duty, — and teaching, the Professors'. And, 
therefore, he rudely, on several occasions, contradicted his Fac- 
ulty in public, and aimed to consider and treat them as boys! 
Nay, once, after permitting a young gentleman openly and grossly 
to insult a member of the Faculty, he stated in public, that unless 



490 SEVENTH YEAR 

that member and that pupil could make it up ! the student or 
Professor must leave the College ! ! He was the master of the 
school, — his Professors mere ushers ! He arbitrarily prescribed — 
first, their duties, and then, dared enter their recitation rooms to 
ascertain in person if they were competent and faithful teachers : 
where, after asking questions of the students, showing always his 
impertinence and insolence, and not rarely his ignorance of the 
subjects, he said to those pupils, and in the very presence of their 
Professors, that if not fully satisfied with the teachers' explana- 
tions and instructions, they would come to his study, he would 
supply the deficiencies ! ! ! 

"Mr. Carlton! — were your Professors men? Why, Professor 
Spunk, of our place, would have kicked him out!" 

Softly : Clarence was a Clergyman, and Harwood good natured. 
For a while, too, amazement kept them speechless: and after that 
they were inclined to take, as a perpetual apology for the Presi- 
dent's rudeness, what he once offered as such to the students them- 
selves, for a hasty act of discipline, viz. : — "that his nerves had 
been disordered by a cup of strong tea the night before, taken in- 
cautiously with a guest, and that in such cases he was sometimes 
forgetful and hasty !" 

Clarence, indeed, always insisted that the poor Doctor was, at 
times, partially deranged; and that, even after receiving the fol- 
lowing anonymous letter : 

(Note: — The Editor is unwilling to print the letter, and so he 

always told Mr. C.) 

****** 

This letter, Clarence, on opening his pocket Virgil, left as usual 
on the mantel of his recitation room, found in the book : and, not 
suspecting its character, he thought he would run it over before 
commencing the lesson. The hand-writing being apparently the 
President's, Clarence, conceiving that his master had chosen this 
way to lecture for some over-sight, looked for no signature. And, 
therefore, he read till the ending, when the absence of all signa- 
ture so perturbed him, that he got through with the recitation 
mechanically and by instinct !^ 

^Touching this anonymous letter, Mr. Matthew M. Campbell (form- 
erly Principal of the Preparatory Department of the University who 



SEVENTH YEAR 491 

Great was his distress : — could it be that Bloduplex was so 
cowardly and vile to write such a letter ! ordering him to resign, 
and threatening if he would not! Yet, his was the hand-writing! 
— the style ! — the very expressions ! — the every thing ! — but the 
signature, and that was wanting ! 

When this letter was thus found, it was a time of restored peace 
and renovated confidence — for, Clarence, being tJien a man of 
implicit faith and trustfulness of spirit — (having faith in man! 



was an early student with personal recollection of these times) told 
Judge Banta that it was a complaining letter and reproachful, asking 
Hall to resign and leave. The letter-writer said that his request contained 
no more than the almost universal opinion of the students. Hall was 
called "indolent, careless, superficial, and shamefully neglectful of his 
duties." He was certainly none of these things. He may have been 
over-sensitive and too suspicious of President Wylie. It is hard to 
understand why he did not burn the letter and say nothing about it to 
any one. 

I can find no reason for doubting Hall's integrity and sincerity. He 
probably had some reason to complain that President Wylie afterwards 
made use to his detriment of some of the innocent gossip in which he 
indulged during this long drive from the Ohio. 

Evidence of Hall's unselfish and sincere devotion to the College, 
his wish for its prosperity, his kindly disposition toward Dr. Wylie upon 
his election to the Presidency and his willingness to serve the new 
President and cooperate with him, may be found in two letters of Hall 
written to Wylie in 1828 and 1829. In the first of these letters written 
on May 7, 1828 Hall says : 

"Mr. John H. Harney, Professor of Mathematicks, and myself, who 
both, have long proposed and desired your election to the Presidency 
of the College of Indiana, cannot but be extremely solicitous that you 
should accede to the wishes of the Board of Trustees, which by this 
time must have reached you. In the hope therefore, that it may aid 
your determination, be assured that the call of the Board is entirely 
unanimous and cordial, that it meets the entire approbation of the 
townsmen and of all the principal men of the whole state both in publick 
and private life. 

"Should you come hither. Sir, your influence may be exerted upon 
a very broad scale towards the noblest and most beneficial ends ; — the 
advancement of religion and of liberal education. 

"Hitherto the smiles of Providence have been upon our Institution : 
and the very hand of God has visibly directed all events ; and hence we 
cannot but hope that the same Being intends this as the scene of 
your future labours. 

"The publick are all waiting impatiently for your decision : and great 



492 SEVENTH YEAR 

according to the modern doctrine of Lyceums) — had, child-like, 
looked over the past, and hoped afresh for the future; * * * 
Down went he, after recitation, as usual, to the Doctor's study — 
but, accidentally, the door was locked! Then called he Harwood 
from his room, and, without uttering a word, put the letter into 



and universal will be the disappointment should you by a sense of duty 
be impelled to a declinature of what may be termed, not merely the 
call of the Trustees but of the whole state. 

"Bloomington I acknowledge is a new town and in a new country. 
But it is widely different, in appearance from new towns generally; the 
work of improvement in all respects is rapidly advancing; — and in regard 
to healthfulness abundant evidence may be furnished that it is by far 
superior to most places in the West, and equal to any whether in the 
East or West. For instance I have preached here to a small congregation 
for more than 3 years and in this time have buried but one adult person 
connected with the Presbytery and he died from a pulmonary disease 
derived from his parents. I have buried also an infant child, my 
daughter, who died of a peculiar eruption. Besides I recollect in the 
whole town not more than 6 or 7 deaths ; and all from casualty or some 
special and occasional disease. 

'"With regard to Mr. Harney and myself I may say we are enthusias- 
tick in our respective professions ; and that we are abundantly willing 
to become coadjutors in all schemes for the promotion of learning. 
And this will doubless weigh in your estimation when it is remembered 
that the influence and example of this College are to be felt and 
imitated through the entire state. Here, too, I may add, that no similar 
situation can now be found, and no juncture ever again occur, so very 
favourable for the adoption and wide dissemination of any plan to 
promote the interests of education. Nay, Sir, I affirm not too strongly 
when I say, that with the blessing of God upon judicious, well timed, 
persevering and united efforts, we may mould a system of education 
for the whole state ; that this College may at no distant period be far 
superior to any other in the West ; and that Indiana may ultimately 
become one of the most enlighened states of the union. 

"With these and various other considerations which must have occurred 
to your reflections, may we venture to hope, dear Sir, that you will 
prefer Indiana College as the scene of your future exertions? 

Hoping that such will be your determination, believe me, Sir, to be 
Yours, very respectfully, 

Baynard R. Hall. 
While from this letter we may conclude that Hall and Harney recom- 
mended Wylie's election as President of Indiana College, there is reason 
to suppose that other men of influence may have first proposed it to 
the Trustees. William Hendricks, the second Governor of the State, 
and at the time a U. S. Senator, had been a college-mate and a student 



SEVENTH YEAR 493 

his hand. That gentleman read, and trembled as he read, — and, 
when Clarence asked — 

"Who do you think wrote it?" he answered — 

"I am afraid to say ! but it seems like the Doctor, — the style — 
the hand-writing — the expressions — are so like his !" 

Hastening home, Clarence handed the letter to his wife, and 
without word or comment. She read ; but, soon bursting into 
tears, she voluntarily exclaimed — 

"Oh ! Charles ! — ^the Doctor must have written this !" 

Harwood had now joined them: when the anonymous letter 
was compared with several letters written by Bloduplex to 
Clarence, and the most remarkable similarity, as to the hand — the 
style — the words — the expressions — was apparent: nay, in some 
things, was an identity. And all this, even Dr. Sylvan afterwards 
acknowledged ; although with characteristic caution, he expressed 
no opinion as to the authorship. 

:|c :<c :|c :{: :<c :): 

"Do not resign " 



of Wylie's at Jefferson College and Wylie was known also to Governor 
Jennings. 

In Hall's second letter to Wylie (April 7, 1829) written after the 
latter had accepted the invitation to Indiana, he assures the new Presi- 
dent that his acceptance had "filled all the friends of literature and 
religion in this region with unfeigned pleasure and satisfaction." "Of 
course, Harney and myself," says Hall, are not among the least happy, 
still the doubt remaining whether or not we may expect your propria 
persona this spring gives us no little anxiety." Hall then gives a list 
of ten reasons why the new President should come soon.^ "Enemies 
you know from Harney's case [Referring to the sectarian opposi- 
tion to Harney's election to the professorship] the college has; these 
are only utterly defeated by your immediate removal. If you delay 
I dread new plots. If once defeated they can never rise again. . . . 
If we can learn when you will be at Louisville, Mr. Harney and myself, 
with Maxwell and others, will meet and escort you to Bloomington,— 
to this we entreat you to consent, for as many reasons as are given 
above." 

It seems quite tragic that such pleasing anticipations and such earnest 
and loyal purposes should find an outcome in the personal friction 
antagonisms and disappointments that followed. 

- See Judge D. D. Banta's History of the University, .Mumni Quarterly 
Vol. II., No. 2, p. 160. 



494 SEVENTH YEAR 

"I must, Harwood: external enemies and mistaken men, I 
could and can resist, and face; — but this domestic traitor " 

"Perhaps, after all, it is not he." 

"Perhaps so ; yet, I cannot endure the suspicion. And, suppose 
he learns or guesses our suspicion — mutual confidence can never 
be again after that. No. I am now awake: and let me say, 
dear Harwood, that that man has some plan for you when he is 
rid of me." 

"Oh ! you are too much alarmed — he cannot be mediating that ; 
— we shall be too strong for him " 

"Depend on it, I am right. What we have heard of his char- 
acter is true : and he that has, by indirect means, gained victories 
over ecclesiastical courts, will, by the same, gain them over us. I 
must and will resign." 

"At least, see the Doctor first." 

"I will — but I know the result : — it will end in my resignation, 
and in your final overthrow." 

Clarence accordingly, taking the letter, waited on the President, 
who, meeting him at the door of his dwelling, did himself thus 
begin : — 

"You received an anonymous letter, Mr. Clarence, I hear?" — 
(Who told him?) 

"Yes, sir; and I have come to you for advice." 

"Let us walk up the lane. Have you the letter with you?" 

"Here it is." 

The letter was taken by the President, but 7iot read all carefully 
and indignantly over, as by the others ! And yet, at a glance, he 
learned all its items, and that so well, as to talk and comment on 
them! But still, after what he designed should pass for a search- 
ing scrutiny, in a moment he exclaimed, — "I know the hand writ- 
ing — it is Smith's!" 

"How you relieve me, Doctor Bloduplex," said Clarence; 
"Harwood was right to prevent me from sending in my 
resignation, — I shall continue " 

"Mr. Clarence," replied the President, "Smith, / know, is your 
bitter enemy ; and I am told you have many more, and especially 
among the young gentlemen that came with me: now, this letter 
shows a state of great unpopularity, and / do candidly advise, all 
things considered, that you had better resign!!" 



SEVENTH YEAR 495 

"Doctor, pardon me, my first belief is returned — I know the 
author of this letter, and it is not Smith." 

"Who then, sir?" 

"Come with me, Dr. Bloduplex and I will satisfy you in my 
study." 

"I cannot now, sir, but will call in the course of the day." 

After a while the President called, when Clarence, conducting 
him into the study, said : 

"Dr. Bloduplex, from my inmost soul I do hope you may 
remove my suspicion, — but I much fear that you yourself are the 
author of this letter!" 

"I! — the author! how could you ever entertain so unjust a 



suspicion 



"God grant, sir, it be unjust — but I will give you the grounds 
of my suspicion." 

"Name them, sir, — I am curious and patient." 

Here Clarence went over all that the reader has been told, but 
to a much wider extent, and with many arguments and inferences 
not now narrated ; and then spread out the Doctor's own letters, 
to be compared with the anonymous one. Upon which the Doc- 
tor said : 

"Well, Mr. Clarence, there is no resemblance between them, or 
but very little." 

"But is there not some? Has not the writer tried to imitate 
your hand — your style — your very grammatical peculiarities?" 

"It does, maybe, seem a little so " 

"It does, indeed. Doctor Bloduplex; and now look here! — the 
seal is stamped with the key of your desk!" 

Here the President coloured ; of course in virtuous indignation 
and surprise at such roguery, and in some little confusion 
exclaimed : — 

"The wicked dogs ! they have stolen the key of my desk !" 

Clarence was here affected to tears; that one the other day 
almost loved and trusted as a father could be by him no longer so 
regarded. Ay, hoping against hope that the man could not be so 
fallen from high honour, and looking towards him with streaming 
eyes, he said: 

"Only assure me, Doctor, on your word of honour and as a 



496 SEVENTH YEAR 

Christian that you did not do this base action, and even now will 
I burn this letter in this very fire — (it was a cold day) — before 
your face." 

"Mr. Clarence," said he "I solemnly declare I did not write 
the letter ; but stay, do not burn it — let me have it and I will try 
and find the writer." 

The worthy President then carried away the letter and retained 
it three days in his surtout pocket; after which he returned the 
paper — but alas ! the friction of the pocket, or something else, had 
so worn away the seal that the impression of the desk-key was no 
longer visible! 

Of course, then, the letter was not written by the Reverend 
Constant Bloduplex, d. d. — for he had the best right to know; 
and he said, solemnly, that it was not. Yet Clarence, "all things 
considered," did that very week send his resignation to Dr. Syl- 
van ; offering, however, to remain till the meeting of the Board. 
At that the Board ofifered him nearly double salary to remain 
some months longer till a suitable successor could be found ; to 
which proposal Clarence acceded. When that gentleman leaves 
the stage, our history, dear reader, is concluded. 

Meanwhile pass we to the next chapter and refresh ourselves 
with the Guzzleton Barbecue. 



CHAPTER LXni. 

"I'll give thrice so much land 

To any well-deserving friend : 

But in the way of bargain, mark ye me, 

I'll cavil on the ninth part of a hair." 
****** 

"Now, my co-mates, and brothers in exile, 
Hath not old custom made this life more sweet 
Than that of painted pomp?" 

Before his marriage, John Glenville had located on the river; 
where, being part owner of a tract of land, it was determined 
to make the village of Guzzleton. And of all places in 
the world this was a — place. It abounded in wood and water. 



SEVENTH YEAR 497 

and was convenient to the river, or — could be so; the county 
road went within half a mile, and if desired would, no doubt, 
come right through the town ; and there might be rail-roads and 
canals across it, in every direction. Nay, all the advantages of 
Paperville itself would in time concentrate in Guzzleton ! Yea, it 
would eclipse Woodville! Ay, and if some folks did not look 
sharp, the Legislature would remove to Guzzleton the State Col- 
lege, or at least create there a branch College ! 

Hence, in the tremendous excitement, lots at the first sale, were 
bid off at fine prices, to be paid afterwards; and then the settlers 
began to pour in and build ! But after Glenville's own dwelling 
and store-house, Tom Beecher's tannery, and two cabins, one for 
a cobbler and the other for a tailor, had been erected, the rage for 
improvement ceased; and as yet the place was only Little 
Guzzleton ! 

The Patroons, however, thought if a Fourth of July could be 
got up and the place become a centre for stump-speeching, elec- 
tioneering, horse-jockeying and other democratical excellences, a 
fresh start would be given in its growth, and the town become 
Great Guzzleton. Hence this summer, on the Fourth, was to be 
there a grand Barbecue, with the reading of the Declaration of 
Independence, and great speeches from Robert Carlton of Wood- 
ville, and other fellow-citizens! 

On the third of July, Harwood and myself went over to indulge 
in a prefatory "cut up" with Glenville, and to witness the arrange- 
ments for the Barbecue. And as such an affair may be novel to 
some, we shall confine ourselves to that ; taking for granted most 
have once or twice heard the Declaration and also the patriotic 
orations of the season. 

The spot for the Barbecue was an enchanting plateau below the 
cliff on which Guzzleton stood, and yet sufficiently above the river, 
to be considered table land. It was about one hundred yards long 
by fifty yards wide, and covered with fine and luxuriant grass, 
usually cropped by cows and horses, but now smoothly and evenly 
mown with scythes. The hackberry, the buckeye, the sycamore. 
and other trees, less abundant than elsewhere, were, yet, plentiful 
enough for ornament and shade ; and this had led to the 
selection. 



498 SEVENTH YEAR 

Near the centre of this sylvan saloon was the table. This was 
eminent for strength more than elegance ; but still for the place, 
the occasion, and the company, was the very table. Cabinet work 
would have sorted poorly with the wildness. The table was one 
hundred and fifty feet long; and consisted of two-inch planks in 
double layers, resting every ten feet on horizontal pieces of sap- 
lings ; which in turn were supported by strong forked saplings 
planted several feet in the earth. Neither nail of iron, nor peg of 
wood, confined the planks — they reposed by their own gravity. Yet 
an unphilosophical arrangement of fixins, or an undue resting of 
plebian arms and elbows did, now and then, disturb the gravity 
of the table in places ; and that disturbing the gravy upset also the 
gravity of the company — specially the ungreased portion. 

Seats differed from the table in being lower and not so wide. 
They ran pretty near parallel with its sides ; and were low 
enough, that our mouths be as near the food as possible — so that 
if the legs were judiciously disposed under the table, and the 
head properly inclined above, the contents of one's plate could be 
shovelled into the masticating aperture with amazing dexterity 
and grace. 

On each side of the table, ten feet distant and at intervals of 
five feet, were planted in the earth small trees with all their green 
and branching tops ; and these tops, forced together and tied with 
bark-twines over the table, formed a romantic arcade seemingly 
of living trees evoked by the wand of enchantment to adorn and 
shade! 

Far as possible from the arcade, was the place of the Barbecue 
Proper. And that was a truly gigantic affair! It was no con- 
temptible smoke-jack, steam-spit, rotary-stove contraption to cook 
a morsel of meat and a half peck of potatoes with an apron of 
chips ! or two hands full of saw-dust ! or a quart of charcoal ! It 
contemplated no f ricasee for two or three guests beside the family ! 
No ! no ! it was to do whole pigs I whole sheep ! whole calves ! 
whole turkeys ! whole chickens ! and for a whole settlement — and 
all other settlements invited as guests ! 

A trench was cut in the ground some twenty feet long, four 
wide and three deep! And that trench was full of logs lying on 
brushwood, all to be set on fire that night, that a mine of living 



SEVENTH YEAR 499 

coals be ready for the mornin's cookery! On the Fourth, about 
day-light, fresh logs and brush were added ; and thus in due time 
this whole kitchen was a glowing and burning mass ! 

Strips of nice white hickory were, at cooking time, laid at in- 
tervals across the fiery trench; their ends resting on stones or 
green logs along the edges of the range, and thus constituting a 
clean, simple, and most gigantic wooden grid-iron. And then the 
beasts and birds, properly cleaned, skewered, peppered, salted and 
so on, were all and at once, spread out whole over the mammoth 
hickory iron ; each creature being divided longitudinally on its 
bosom side ! And each was kept spread out by hickory pieces or 
stretchers, and seasonably turned by two men, on opposite sides, 
with long hickory forks and pokers ! Never such a cooking ! It 
seemed as all the edible creatures of the Purchase had taken an 
odd fit to come and be barbecued for the mere fun of it! 

Nor was this wholesale barbecuing deemed sufficient! During 
the evening of the third, and early on the fourth, backwoods- 
women were hourly arriving with boiled hams, loaves of wheat, 
pones, pies, tarts, sorrel-pies, Irish potato-pies — and things un- 
known to fashionable gourmands and confectioners; — also, meal 
in bags, and baskets, till provisions were piled in kitchen, and 
arbours, and carts like — oh! like — everything! 

Our Fourth was ushered by the roar of Hoosier artillery — log- 
guns done by boring solid trunks with a two-inch auger. These 
filled with powder, and stopped with a wooden plug, were fired 
by means of an enormous squib, or slow match ; and made a very 
reasonable noise considering they could rarely be fired more than 
once, being wonderfully addicted to bursting! The day itself was 
bright and cloudless; and during the greatest heat we were so 
sheltered under the grand old trees, and our enchanted arcade, 
as not to be oppressed; while the river flowed below, its waters 
now smooth and deep, now leaping and rustling over shoals, and 
now whirling in eddies around the trunks of fallen trees ! its pure 
white sands looking like granulated snows— till the very sight 
was refreshing! 

At last, three beech-cannon, our signal guns, were fired and 
burst : when the procession was formed on the cliff and in the very 
centre of Guzzleton — in posse; and this — (the procession, not 



500 SEVENTH YEAR 

the posse) — consisted, not only of menbodies, but of women- 
bodies also; since true woodsmen wish their ladies to share in 
all that is pleasant and patriotic. Then headed by a drum and 
fife, aided by the triangle already celebrated, and with as many 
flags flying as were pocket-handkerchiefs to spread out and wave 
on poles, we took up the line of march ; we, the leading citizens, 
who were to read and speak; and then the common and uncom- 
mon citizens ; and then certain independent ladies : and then 
young ladies with escorts ; and then the boys ; and then finally the 
rabble. After showing ourselves in the woods and bushes along 
the future streets of Great Guzzleton, and passing the store, and 
the tannery, and the two cabins, we descended the clifif and 
marched to the speaker's scaffold to the tune of Yankee Doodle — 
or something tolerably like it ; although to-day the drum beat the 
other instruments hollow! 

The literary feast ended, we again formed the procession, and 
marched to the head of the arcade, while the music very judi- 
ciously played "Love and Sausages." There halted, our lines 
were separated, and duly m.arshaled each proceeded along its own 
side of the table; when at a signal we halted again, and now oppo- 
site one another, to perform "the set up." And this delicate 
manoeuvre was very handsomely executed by all that wore trou- 
sers; but the wearers of frocks and petticoats showed want of 
drill, making an undue exhibit of white thread stockings and 
yarn garters. In some places, however, active and skittish maids 
stepped first on to the seat, and then with an adroit movement of 
one hand, as in going to milk a cow, held affairs in a very becom- 
ing tuck till the blushing damsels were safe between the table 
and the seat. 

We may not recount our jokes, and raillery, and tilting of 
tables, and sinking of seats, and spilling of gravy, and upsetting 
of water; only all such were on the same large scale that best 
sorted with the inartistical and undisciplined world around! Tit 
for tat, and even butter for fat, was largely done that day — and in 
a way to demolish nice bodies. But never was more good humour ! 
never heartier fellowship! No drunkenness, however, and no 
profanity! No breaking of wine glasses — no singing of nasty 
songs — no smoking of cigars — no genteel and polished doings at 
all. We were then too far West for refinements ! 



SEVENTH YEAR 501 

"No reflections — Mr. Carlton. But what did all that cost and 
what did you pay for a ticket?" 

Cost! — pay for a ticket! why don't you know? And yet how 
should anybody brought up where they sell a penneth of salad! 
and pay a fippenny-bit to walk in a garden and buy tickets to hear 
sermons, and eat temperance dinners! — and everything costs 
something, whether to eat, or drink, or smell, or touch, or look 
at ! — everything, every thing except preaching and teaching! Cost ! 
why nothing in the sense you mean. All was a contribution — a 
gift — everybody did it — and everybody ate and drank that was 
invited, and everybody that was not invited ! 

"But it was a great labour!" 

To be sure it was. But what to a woodsman is labour with the 
rifle and the axe ? A single shot killed each victim for the hickory- 
ism ; and a few flourishes of the axe felled trees and saplings for 
fuels, seats, tables, and arcades. 

"What's the use of a Barbecue any how ?" 

Well, its uses to Guzzleton may be mentioned in some other 
work. But we answer now by asking: — Has not a man, who 
ranges in a wide forest untrammelled by artificial forms, an invin- 
cible love of freedom? — Will not he who feasts like Homer's 
heroes despise the meannesses of a huckster's life? — Can he be 
content to live on alms of broken meat and filthy crumbs? — Is 
there much hope of subduing men whose pastimes are to the 
efifeminate, labours ! 

And, dear reader, out there the noble Declaration of Inde- 
pendence itself, when properly read and commented on as to-day 
by John Glenville, has an effect on backwoodsmen, such as is 
rarely felt noiv in here! Oh! could you have seen Domore, and 
Ned Stanley, and old man Ashmore, and Tom Robinson, rise at 
one or two places and clench their rifles convulsively — and with 
tearful eyes and quivering lips stand intently gazing on the face of 
that reader ! — oh ! could you have heard the enthusiastic cries, at 
the close, that came warm bursting from; the very hearts of our 
congregation, men, and women and children — then would you 
have deemed perilous the attempt to put, by force, a yoke on such 
necks !^ Vain the belief that our native woodsmen can be tamed ! 

1 A worthy tribute to the free democratic spirit of the west and to 
the political influence of the Declaration of Independence. 



502 SEVENTH YEAR 

Numbers may, perchance, have destroyed their forest bulwarks — 
but in the doing, woodsmen and their foes would all have fallen 
down slain together! 

I only add that notwithstanding the continuous feasting of 
many hundreds for four or five hours, large quantities — nay, heaps 
of provisions, were left ; and that these in the spirit of native 
western hospitality, were divided among the poorer of the guests, 
who carried away with them food enough for a week. 

The day passed without any important accident or lasting anger. 
It was, indeed, very like the colour and thrill of visions in my 
dreaming age! I have pic-nicked in pretty places, and with 
amiable and excellent people — I have heard sweet music and 
merry laughter in the graceful and dwarfish groves of the east — 
but the thrill came not there ! My poor, foolish fancy wanders 
then far away off to that wild plateau of the Silver River, and 
sighs for the sylvan life of that rude Barbecue! 



CHAPTER LXIV. 

"Eloquar an sileam?" 

"Out with it, sir !" 

"Sp'ectatum admissi risum teneatis?" 

"You won't laugh then ?" 

Clarence's prediction to Harwood was soon verified. One 
member of the Faculty being ingeniously managed according to 
the sensitiveness of his temper, the other was to be dealt with on 
the first fair opportunity. Our worthy President aimed now to 
be the Government; in humble imitation of dear old President 
Hickoryface — but not by the same means. Hence he now treated 
Harwood as a child, and began to represent him as lacking manly 
judgment; and secretly, like Ulyssfes, by asking insidious, ensnar- 
ing, and doubt engendering questions. 

At last a noble and ingenuous young man refused to acquiesce 
in an unnecessary and arbitrary change of arrangement for an 
exhibition, having previously received a solemn pledge from the 
President that the change should not be made; and that change 



SEVENTH YEAR 503 

"being, notwithstanding, now made and, — without the consent of 
the Faculty. On this, the Government and without any confer- 
ence with his cabinet, pronounced in public an immediate sentence 
of dismission on young Heartly. But in this the Faculty neither 
could nor would concur; since the President had first violated a 
solemn promise, and then out of revenge wished to inflict sum- 
marily a very disproportionate punishment. Hence, Harwood not 
only refused to acquiesce in a hasty decision, but he in private 
even earnestly remonstrated with the Doctor; after which Har- 
wood saw Heartly and advised him not to leave Woodville till 
regularly and legally ordered so to do by the Faculty. 

Well, this was just what the worthy President desired; and he 
forthwith, both publicly and privately, denounced usher Har- 
wood as having rebelled against the Government! Nay! as guilty 
of resistance and ingratitude to his father! And, therefore, Har- 
wood himself must and should leave the College ! He declared, 
and in no measured terms, that it was High Treason in Air. H. to 
visit a dismissed student ; and then — the President himself, that 
very day, did visit the same dismissed student, and implore him 
to remain, saying he never would have suspended him had he not 
been secretly advised so to do by Harwood himself ! 

This placed our learned men in what is called hot zvater ; and 
gave us a beautiful illustration of the scriptural sentiment, "how 
beautiful a thing it is for brethren to dwell together in unity!" 

Harwood as yet believed no plan was laid for his overthrow. 
He thought the Doctor was sorry for his haste, as he both in 
public and private, professed to be, himself attributing his own 
rashness and forgetfulness to the disordered state of his nerves; 
and, as young Heartly had by the Doctor's own decree, been re- 
instated. Still rumors were afloat that mischief was brewing. 
Harwood, however, uttered no threat and laid no plans either of 
attack or defence, but was, as usual, wholly and laboriously busy 
with the duties of his office. He rarely, in truth, taught less than 
five hours a day, and oftener more than six! 

On the contrary, the President true to his favourite rule, 
that his main duty was "to watch and administer the discipline," 
rarely taught more than One Hour a day; and that, sometimes, 
on horseback ! Hence he had abundant leisure to exercise, as he 
termed it, "parental care and government over all!" 



504 SEVENTH YEAR 

The extent and mode of this care and government may be un- 
derstood by what was afterwards called in the Purchase "the 
Celebrated Saturday." 

On that day Harwood, just before the bell for morning exer- 
cises in College, when all the Students and all the Faculty statedly 
assembled for certain duties, knocked at the door of Little Col- 
lege, and thus, in evident perturbation, addressed Mr. Clarence: — 

"Clarence ! something is brewing, I do believe" — 

"Why!" 

"The Doctor has sent for eight or ten Students for a body 
guard!" 

"A body guard! — against what?" 

"I can't imagine: the Mantons were asked — and Bloduplex 
told them he was in fear of some violence, and asked their aid in 
protecting him. One brother went; the other declined, and has 
just now given me the information. What can the man be about?" 

"Your ruin ! But why does so large and able bodied a man ask 
for a guard, and in addition to his sword-cane? or why does he 
not apply to the civil authority ? Hark ! there's the bell — 

"Yes ! and see ! — there, sure enough, is Bloduplex coming not 
only with his sword-cane, but with at least tvvelve of the Students 
around him! What is he driving at?" 

"Let us go — we shall soon find out?" 

All now entered the Hall and took their places. The Faculty 
as usual ascended the Rostrum; where the Government took his 
customary central seat, between Clarence on his right and Har- 
wood on his left. And then, immediately after Prayer! solemnly 
and tearfully done by the venerable Pedagogue, that curious per- 
sonage commenced as follows : 

"My dear — (mellow voice) — children: — For I must call you 
children, — I shall not pursue the ordinary course of our duties 
to-day. Instead of that I design to go into a full explanation of 
the nature and propriety of my government. But as some things, 
by certain persons, have been said against that government, I beg 
leave to read to you first, my dear children, a few out of very 
many papers and testimonials in my possession, to shew you what 
good judges in other places have thought about me as a President, 
and what they do yet think." — (Here the President read his cer- 



SEVENTH YEAR 505 

tificates, consisting of official dismissions from sundry ecclesiasti- 
cal and literary bodies, and several highly laudatory letters and 
notes from former pupils ; and among them a very eulogistic one 
from the Hon. Stulty Pistolpoop, who probably admired the 
Clergyman's sword-cane-propensities : the effect of all which docu- 
ments being very happy on the Judges — the Students now seated 
below as a court of appeals — and making them, for a time, think 
their Father the Government was really as great and good a man 
as he was cracked up to be), — "And so you see my dear children 
(voice very tender) — may I not consider myself after all this 
competent to the government of this college? 

''But I wish now to say that my system is wholly parental. It 
is not regulated by printed or written rules and laws, or by the 
precedents of other colleges, where some people have imbibed 
arbitrary notions ; no, the parental system is that of a father in 
governing his family — it depends on circumstances — it differs with 
cases. Some Faculties govern only by rules — rebuking, suspend- 
ing, expelling, according to the letter. They will take no pains to 
discriminate ; they fix the iron bed and stretch out and lop off till 
every one is made to fit. Is that right, niy dear children? — 
(Several of the Court of Appeals cried out 'No! it is not') — No, 
indeed, it is not : and persons that thus govern are not fit to govern 
— are they?" — (No! — from the tribunal below.) — "Deeply do I 
regret to say that the worthy gentlemen of the Faculty seated on 
my right and left do not agree with me in these views ; for in- 
stance. Professor Clarence would have urged me to discipline Mr. 
Smith according to rule " 

Here Mr. C. interrupted- 



"Doctor Bloduplex I cannot submit to this public insult and 

injustice " 

"Sit down, sir— don't interrupt me, sir!" 

"I will not sit down till I explain " 

"Mr. Clarence you may speak when I am done." 
"Well, sir, go on; but do not endeavour to prejudice the minds 
of these young men against me." 

The reverend President went on ; and, although he alluded re- 
peatedly to Mr. C. and named many private and confidential mat- 
ters to his prejudice, that gentleman concluded to let the person- 



5o6 SEVENTH YEAR 

age have rope enough to hang himself metaphorically or, 
otherwise. 

"Well now, my dear children, — (voice thrilling) let me imagine 
a case of parental government, and propose it for your considera- 
tion and vote. Suppose a young man, rash and without judgment, 
was to pursue a rebellious course against a President and Father 
of a college; and that after every means of private rebuke — yes! 
— (voice sobby) — after earnest and affectionate entreaty; — (voice 
breaking) — yes! and suppose after — (sob) — his Father — (sob, 
sob,) — had even shed tears over him;" — (Here irrepressible sobs 
and tears for a few moments choked the Government; and many 
of the judges wept out audibly) — "Suppose the poor rebel's Father 
should drop on his knees before the ungrateful boy, I now kneel 
before you!" — (The Government now dropped on both knees on 
the floor of the rostrum, in open view of all the students) — "and 
should weep before him!" — (Here a gush of many tears burst 
from the wretched man — and weeping was audible, all over the 
court below) — "And shoujd, with his hands imploringly clasped 
thus — (action to word) — entreat and beseech that poor rebellious 
child ! — And suppose that child, while his Father was thus on his 
knees ! — thus imploring ! — thus weeping ! — oh ! suppose that child 
should spit in his Father's face! — ought not that wicked child to 
be instantly cut off from college and expelled from it forever?" 

"Yes ! yes ! he ought, he ought !" — was answered by many, if Qot 
all the Students: upon which the Government, still kneeling and 
with hands in an imploring attitude, cried out with great tender- 
ness and gratitude, thus : 

"Thank you, my dear children — thank you !" — Then rising from 
his knees, the miserable Government sank back exhausted with 
his exercises — (and they were pretty severe) — into his central 
seat, and hiding his face — (properly enough) — in his hands, he 
remained thus some moments, sobbing and .recovering; perhaps 
considering the next act. Hence, taking advantage of this pause 
hetiveen the acts, we will enlighten the reader as to some matters. 

Be it known then, that the rebellious and wicked young dog 
represented by our Grand Actor, was intended to be Professor 
Harwood ! But none of the tender scene had ever occurred in 
private ; although the Actor wished the audience to think so. On 



SEVENTH YEAR 507 

the contrary, when our Professors respectfully yet earnestly had 
remonstrated against the haste and illegality of Mr. Heartly's dis- 
mission by the sole act of the President, Doctor Bloduplex had 
fallen into an outrageous fit of anger: nay, raising his clenched 
fist, he had stamped with fury on the floor of his study, and ex- 
claimed — "I care nothing for the Faculty or the Board of Trustees 
— I will stamp them under my feet !" 

Some may think the acting described thus far must have injured 
the actor himself. But, gentle reader, it was done to the very life ! 
Clarence said, he should have been deceived himself, had he not 
discerned the hoofs and the tail. Had the performer confined 
himself to his rehearsed parts, and not ventured on a certain ex- 
temporaneous playing to be named presently, Harwood and Clar- 
ence would have encountered that day a tempest in the outcries of 
the Students, which must have immediately driven them from 
their ofifices — perchance with bloody noses, black eyes and cracked 
pates ! 

Let a band of generous young men, a little inclined to the 
mobocratical tendencies of the New Purchase, fully believe all 
that a venerable and not ill looking clergyman tells them ; let them 
once think that such a man did kneel to his junior, and dehort 
with tears, and at that moment was basely struck and spit upon 
by that youth, and there is no act of violence to which such an 
excited and indignant company may not be led or coaxed. 

For a while our Professors sat as in a dream! So curiously 
wonderful was that act in the drama of their lives ! Clarence says, 
he was busy awhile, with a contrast between the oddity on his 
knees before them, and gentlemen and men like Witherspoon, and 
Ludlow, and Day, and Nott, and Smith, and Carnahan, and Green ! 
Harwood, the hard hearted rascal ! he sat with such a lip and nose 
of Kentucky scorn! — but soon, as was his habit, when having 
nothing to do, he began strapping a round-ended blade of an old 
pocket knife on his boot— said boot tastefully reposing on the 
knee of the other leg! 

Reader— that very knife cut the thread of our Actor's intended 
speech? Happily it was fit for that kind of cutting, but for no 
other: even if heated it would barely have cut butter! That blade 
was springless ! pointless ! edgeless ! I have handled it an hundred 



5o8 SEVENTH YEAR 

times. Oh ! Bloduplex ! had it been a dirk ! a Spanish blade ! a 
Mississippi tooth-pick ! — what grandeur in that attitude ! that look 
of horror ! that piercing thrill of thy outcry ! when starting from 
thy sobs and tears, on catching sight of that funny old knife 
through thy parted fingers, thou didst thus exclaim and appeal to 
the Students: 

"Young gentlemen ! — take notice — there is a knife open at my 
left side! — and I know not for what purpose!" 

"Doctor Bloduplex!" — cried Clarence — "no harm is threatened 
— I know that knife — it is entirely worthless — and that is Har- 
wood's habit — I have seen him do it in church! 

Here something sticking in the Government's throat, he ejected 
from his mouth a gob right at Clarence's feet, and then went on : 

"I have reason, my children, to fear Mr. Harwood; and to 
protect myself, I asked some of you to guard me to day ! It was 
natural, then, I should dread a knife so near me; but I did not 
mean to insinuate he had it out for a bad purpose(!) — I only 
meant to teach him how impolite'^ it is to be thus playing with 
hisknife.(!!)" 

Affairs were now a little disordered: although to the Professors 
it was plain this thrust at the knife had hurt the Government more 
than the worst thrust from it could ever have done. Clarence 
then rose to make his defence before the Court of Appeals. 

"Young gentlemen," dixit ille, "we have witnessed a scene both 
amazing and surprising ; hence I shall be easily credited in saying 
I have no preparation for it " 

The President interrupted — "H Mr. Clarence means to insinuate 
that / had made any preparation, he shall not speak " 

"Sir" — rejoined the other — I will speak; and I will repeat that 
I have no preparation. Further, let the Students notice that sur- 
prised and amazed I am, but not in a passion : nay that I am calm 
and, therefore, competent to make a statement of all facts which, 
directly and indirectly the President of the Faculty has seen fit to 
bring and lay before this school. But why he wishes to involve 
me is wonderful, as I have already resigned my office, and am 
only to remain, by contract, for a few months." Accordingly, 

^Spitting at a Professor's feet is what? — In this case Satan correcting 
Sin. 



SEVENTH YEAR 509 

and spite of re-repeated and brutal interruptions from the Govern- 
ment, Clarence made his statements and ceased, and then arose 
Harwood, and commenced as follows : 

"Gentlemen, Professor Clarence has said he is not angry ; but it 
would be wrong in me not to be angry and indignant, too. Doctor 
Constant Bloduplex, with all the authority of his clerical and 
official station, has openly and publicly accused me of a design to 
assassinate him! and seeks thus, as far as he can, to destroy my 
moral character " 

"I did not accuse you, sir!" — said the President. 

"Not in so many words, Doctor, but you did insinuate, and you 
intended by your whole manner and your words to insinuate as 
much." 

'1 did not." 

"You did, sir; — you did! And now, as you have put several 
things to the vote of the Students to-day, I insist on putting this 
matter to vote; and if the Students acquit you of evil intention 
I will yield the point." 

"Agreed," instantly replied the Doctor. Alas ! did he not see 
the tears of the Students had dried away? Or dared he not 
refuse F 

Harwood, then, very distinctly stated the question, thus : 

"All the Students who believe that Doctor Bloduplex did not 
insinuate that I had out my knife to stab him, affirm that belief 
by saying — yes." 

Not a voice responded! 

"All the Students who believe that Doctor Bloduplex did in- 
sinuate that I had out my knife to stab him, affirm that belief by 
saying — yes." 

"Yes — yes — yes!" — from twenty voices; and from one louder 
than the rest — "Yes ! I'll be d if he didn't !" 

"There, sir!" — said now Harwood to the delinquent Govern- 
ment — "You well know you meant your remark for an insinua- 
tion ; and sir, it was a base insinuation !"' 

To this the President vouschafed no reply. And he stopped all 
further preceedings by running down from the Rostrum and re- 
treating to the far side of the Hall, where he declared himself now 
afraid of Harwood, and said he wished to be surrounded by the 



510 SEVENTH YEAR 

Students ! And then, after abusing the Professors, he cried out 
"let all the Students who are in my favour follow me to my 
house;" when he hurried forth, followed by a few. 

Had now our two Professors gone home! But "evil communi- 
cations corrupt good manners ;" and so imitating the Parental 
System, they, forsooth, must have a little talk with the Students ! 
— many of whom remained. They did not say much, indeed ; yet 
Harwood was imprudent enough to say there "Bloduplex is a 
Liar!" Nay! the same impertinent language both Professors 
used afterwards, the same day, to the citizens of the village I And 
for this frightful and outrageous insolence Harwood was shortly 
after excommunicated from the Commission of the Church !- 
True, Harwood had a dreadful provocation ; — but what right had 
he to twist and squirm about when a Holy and Reverend Man 
stamped upon him? Why did he not, like an humble worm, crawl 
back wounded into his hole? True, Harwood offered to bring 
Clarence, and twenty Students, to prove the truth of the libel ; but 
"no," said Bishop Bloduplex, who himself presided, and advo- 
cated, and judged on the trial, in the inferior court — "no; the 
greater the truth the greater the libel : and let him thus be taught 
not to slander and abuse a clergyman !" 

Ay, and true it was, that Professor Clarence was summoned 
before our Grand Jury, and on solemn oath declared, that to the 
best of his knowledge and belief there was not the slightest 
ground for believing that Mr. Harwood intended on that Satur- 
day to assassinate Doctor Constant Bloduplex ! But what right 
had a mere layman to a character? What right to defend himself, 
by saying indignantly that the accusation of Doctor B. was mali- 
cious and false? — What 

"Well, but Mr. Carlton, did not the higher ecclesiastical court 
take up the case against Bloduplex on Fama Clamosa? — did not 
the officers and members of his own parish lay the matter before 
a bench of Bishops?" 

-Later Professor Harney left the Presbyterian church and joined a 
small sect known as the Wildcrites. Afterwards he became an Inde- 
pendent and for some time preached in Louisville. A short time before 
his death he was received into the Episcopal church. T. A. Wylie's 
Hist, of Ind. Univ. p. 104. 



SEVENTH YEAR 511 

No! dear reader, no: but consider, he was the only Doctor of 
Divinity in the whole Purchase ! He was too enormous a Big-Bug 
— and the sting of such is sometimes fatal ! 

"Mr. Carlton, what did the President with the Students that 
went with him?" 

Well, several of his body-guard told the author, and gave Mr. 
Clarence written certificates to the same purport, that "early on 
Saturday morning the President had sent for and told them ex- 
pressly he was afraid of Harwood, and wished them to protect 
him from violence ; — that they then believed him, and, indeed, until 
the knife scene was presented; — that afterwards they went back 
with the Doctor, but only to hear what else he would say; — that 
at his house the President treated them with cakes and wine ; — a 
full hour in ridiculing and burlesquing his character, and pro- 
nounced him in all respects incompetent to the office of Professor 
of Languages," &c. 

Any more questions, reader? 

"No, indeed, we have heard enough." 

So I had begun to think. Here, then, let us end our cele- 
brated Saturday — a day memorable enough, to be the Last of our 
Seventh Year. 



CHAPTER LXV. 



Concluding Six Months. 



"That such a slave as this should wear a sword !" 

Ha! I see the light of a Clearing! a little further, and we 

are through this Romance of the Forest! 

Beautiful the fresh green of our opening spring! Glorious the 
wild flowers and blossoms, exhaling their odours to the air ! Grand 
as ever the dark, solemn, boundless forest! Full of awe, yon 
swollen water! bearing through the desert wood, on its raging 
bosom, an hundred branching trees, and, here and there, the shat- 
tered fragments of a rude cabin ! 



512 CONCLUDING SIX MONTHS 

Hark ! — ah ! it is the piteous cooing of our wood doves ! And 
hark! — there! — ^yes, scamper away, you little grey gaffer, and 
peep from the dense foliage of that lofty sugar-top! I knew 
it was you squealing your cunning song. Fear not ! shady-tail — 
my rifle is at home — I have no heart to shoot you now ! There ! 
cracks the brush! — I see you — leap not away! bounding, timid 
deer! Stay and graze the early buds and tender twigs of yon 
thicket — I am no more your foe! 

Yes ! there is a clearing ahead ! A short moment more and I 
leave you, oh ! deep and dark ravine, where I have been so often 
buried in solitude! — and you, oh! beetling cliff, with dizzy brow, 
frowning over the secret waters so many hundred feet below ! 
And am I so soon to leave you all — and, for ever? Ah! if I 
revisit the Purchase, you, enchanting trees, will be prostrate! — 
you, merry squirrels and timid deer, will have fled ! — you, solemn 
ravine, will be desecrated with wide and beaten roads! Alas! 
the secret waters will lie open then to the public gaze! — the tall 
cliff be stripped of its grove ! — and the solitary cabin there of Ned 
Stanley, be supplanted by the odious, pretending, and smirking 
house of brick and mortar! — alas! — 

"Mr. Carlton!— Mr. Carlton !!— Mr. Carlton!!!" 

Sir!— Sir!! 

"We shall never get out of the woods at this rate." 

Thank you, dear reader! I forgot myself — I was away in the 
spirit amid the apparitions of innocent joys long dead. Let us 
return, then, to history. 

Before resuming literary topics, we must say a word of what 
happened some weeks ago to the firm of Glenville and Carlton: 
and which dissolved our partnership, and sent Glenville to the 
Farther West, and Carlton alas! whither? 

My partner, in early days, had "put his name to paper ;" a se- 
curity, as he supposed, but making himself liable as a partner. 
Notes were given to pay for produce: and this was loaded and 
floated to Orleans, and there sold at a fair profit. But, by a 
singular negligence, the gentleman entrusted with the boats, and 
pork, corn, lard, tallow, and hoop-poles, never came back with 
the money! And hence the merchants failing, the holders of 
their notes got nothing for their paper ! For many long years, this 



CONCLUDING SIX MONTHS 513 

paper lay quiet and slumbering — till a lawyer suddenly appeared in 
the woods- — and the repose of the notes was broken. And so 
was that of Glenville! The holders were now taught for "a con- 
sideration," how to come upon the security — especially as he, 
after a long and doubtful struggle had got above the waves, and 
was swimming in comparative comfort. 

The security was, therefore, advised very unexpectedly of his 
insecurity : and, in the next moment, stripped of all his hard 
earned possessions, he was soused naked into that very figurative 
and deeply poetical sea — a Sea of Troubles! Now, folks inti- 
mately connected with others, rarely take that metaphorical 
plunge, without ducking their associates : hence, down went Mr. 
Carlton into the deep waters, from which emerging for a sniff 
of air, he saw most of his external good things swept away by 
the torrent ! 

Mr. Carlton's work, therefore, for the six months under con- 
sideration, was that most vexatious and profitless kind of twist- 
ing called winding-up. Suppose me, then, hard at work, turning 
the windlass or some other figured crank of the Wind-up-business, 
while we go on to wind-up also the story of the College : and then 
Clarence, and the rest of us, like other phantasms of our drama, 
disappear — perhaps, for ever ! 

After the Saturday, our Literati continued their labours, — the 
Government minding the discipline, — the Professors, the teach- 
ing. Except some official intercourse, all other was at an end : 
for the Professors were for keeping out of harm's way, and not 
only avoided all sayings and doings in company of the President, 
but even looking at or towards him out of the tail of an eye. 

Generally, the students remained neutral : but the young gentle- 
men belonging to the governmental party, did very good service 
as partisans. Among other things, they, one dark night, girdled 
all Clarence's flourishing and ornamental trees set out by him years 
before, around little College ;— they cut oflf his beautiful wood- 
bines, twining up frames around his doors and windows — and at 
other times, they destroyed his garden fence, and admitted or 
turned a herd of swine into the too exuberant fruits and vege- 
tables — not to name other civilized feats unknown before to 
Hoosier young men. 



514 CONCLUDING SIX MONTHS 

Harwood did not share these compliments — not because less re- 
spected — but more feared. Kind and gentle as a great mastiff, 
still he was not all patience : and, once aroused, he would not have 
scrupled to shake well in his staunch jaws, the sneaking whelps 
and genteel curs, so annoying to his clerical neighbour. Well, in- 
deed, might Bloduplex have been in awe of that Kentucky spirit, 
had it ever dreamed of doing him harm ! True, Bloduplex 
always, now, went armed — his sword sheathed in a cane ! — ma- 
liciously pretending that Harwood intended to whip him ! — poor 
defence! had the Professor once seriously undertaken to give 
him, what he so richly deserved — a hiding! 

And yet, accidentally, these belligerents once met, and Harwood 
was upset. First, however, be it remembered, our side-walk, for 
a mile, was paved with wood, not chemically, but mechanically : a 
line of hewed logs ran from the Colleges to the centre of Wood- 
ville. This pave was used in miry times — until anybody received 
two severe falls after which he stuck to the mud-way of the 
vulgar road. Now, it was the custom, when two peaceful Chris- 
tians were about to meet, for the more active to hasten to the 
end of his log, and, stepping aside to an adjacent block or stone, 
there remain till the superior, or lady, had passed. 

Well, one Sabbath morning, Harwood was going full tilt up 
town, to visit a sick relative, and, being on the logway, he dis- 
cerned advancing from the opposite direction. Doctor Bloduplex. 
Accordingly, he hurried on to reach, by the laws of our etiquette, 
the step-out place — but, alas ! as he stepped aside, the Doctor 
accidentally quickening his pace, suddenly presented his shoulder, 
and, with all his weight of person and character, tumbled the 
Professor off his feet, and had the honour of making his new hat 
fly ten feet away into the mud! 

That is Harwood's tale. Here, however, is the Governmental 
version triumphantly given to our Board of Trustees, I being 
present : — 

'T had been, Mr. Chairman," said he to Doctor Sylvan, our 
President, — "I had been up town, to visit a sick parishioner, on 
Sabbath morning, and was on my return, in order to prepare for 
the sacred duties of the pulpit, when I saw coming to meet me, 
in a threatening attitude, Mr. Harwood. At a glance, I saw he 



CONCLUDING SIX MONTHS 515 

was determined not to yield me the log: and 1 then resolved so 
to chastise his want of respect for my age, character, and station, 
as for ever to make him remember the lesson. I have been ac- 
cused of fearing that young man; but, Mr. Chairman, indepen- 
dent of this cane, in which I carry a sword," — (and, at the word, 
this Christian Doctor did, in presence of our whole Board, draw 
that sword, and, with a real Flagstaff gravity and swell) — "in- 
dependent, I say, of this szt'ord;' — (driven back with inimitable 
grandeur,) — "I well knew, in case of a recontre, I should easily 
knock him off the log! W^^ because, the day before, I had been 
weighed in Mr. Retail's patent scales, and my weight was exactly 
One Hundred and Ninety Pounds ! and, of course, when we came 
together, he found himself and his hat where he informs you ! !"' 

"Is that true, Mr. Carlton !?'" 

Yes, reader, it is: and I'll take my "affidavy on it.'' 

"What meeting of your Board, was this?" 

A called meeting, called by the Government, with a view to 
have his rebellious Professors instantly expelled. It was held 
about the middle of our final six months: but it would make too 
long a book to do more than run over a few outlines. 

After the exchange of papers, notes, and other diplomatics, the 
Board, the Government, and Faculty, convened ; when Bloduplex 
began — continued — ay, and held on even ahead, for two long 
summer days, "from rise of morn to set of sun;" and then ended, 
because fully blown out! But after that, for other speech or 
reply there was no time, and, happily, no necessity. 

As usual, the President read his certificates — gave his religious 
experience, and miraculous conversion from infidelity — told of his 
sainted mother looking down on him — and sobbed, and finally 
roared right out, like a bull-calf forcibly held back from the cow ! 
From this recovering, he told us how Harwood and Clarence had 
even ridiculed that experience! and expressed suspicion about 
those tears, when he had indiscreetly given them the same history 
in private ! He then went over his own whole life and character — 
did the same for Harwood. and ditto for Clarence: in all which 
he showed the pre-eminence of his mnemonic-system, by detailing 
to us every word, joke, pleasantry, tea-drinking, walk in the 
woods, rash-saying, silly-word, indignant-exclamation, &c. &c.— 



5i6 CONCLUDING SIX MONTHS 

and even very many improper things that "should have been" 
said and done by our Professors, — but w^hich never had been ! 

He tried his hand at irony and sarcasm, comparing himself to 
Dr. Johnson, and Clarence to Boswell ! He ridiculed Clarence for 
being a "charity scholar:" because, at Princeton, he had paid 
nothing for his Theological education ! He then acted the bottle 
story — which, hov^^ever, cannot be fully represented without a 
diagram : but he used one hand for a bottle, and the fore-finger of 
the other as corkscrew ; and then, holding the bottle-and-corked- 
fist under an Honourable Trustee's nose, he suddenly, with cork- 
screw-finger jerked out the cork, and let out the whole essence, in 
that remarkable sentence, "Billy ! you're a mighty little man !" 
And "this," added the facetious Government — "this is what I did 
for the students at my house on the Saturday named, and to 
illustrate Professor Clarence's character ; as I did not choose to 
employ a sledge-hammer to kill a fly !" 

It was now the Government, and with great complacency, spoke 
and acted the celebrated a posteriori mentioned in this work, and 
so often afterwards repeated by him. But, at length, this Great 
Engine ceased its emissions of steam ; and we aroused to hear 
Clarence's reply, and yet with looks of peevishness, as dreading 
another long, elusive, windy tempest of words. Oh ! the delicious 
refreshing of his more than laconic reply — thus : — 

"Mr. Chairman, and Gentlemen of the Board, — I have very 
much I could say — but I shall make no reply!" 

This answer will be better appreciated from the following 
dialogue between Dr. Sylvan and Mr. Clarence, directly after our 
adjournment: — 

Dr. S. "Never, sir, did you do a happier thing: you effected 
more for yourself than by a thousand speeches." 

Mr. C. "You saw me, Dr. Sylvan, for six hours the first day, 
taking notes, that I might reply to the innumerable slanders and 
falsehoods with which I was assailed : but, then occurred this 
thought, amid that torrent of ribaldry, viz : — Tf these Trustees are 
gentlemen, they need not my reply ; — if they are not gentlemen, 
I need not make a reply.' And then, sir, you saw me crumble up 
my notes, and put them into my pocket : and I shall hand them 
over to Robert Carlton." 



CONCLUDING SIX MONTHS 517 

Our called meeting, however, utterly declined expelling the 
Professors; and that, notwithstanding the President repeatedly 
said in his oration, that he would resign if Mr. Harwood was per- 
mitted to remain! We recommended, indeed, if, possible, an 
amicable private adjustment, and referred the whole matter to 
the new Board of Trustees, that were to meet in the Fall : a very 
cowardly behaviour, since we all privately felt and acknowledged 
that President Bloduplex certainly deserved to be dismissed, 
whatever the Professors may have merited. 

To Clarence, that resolution was nothing: he had resigned ; and, 
for weeks past, had been preparing, as all the town knew, to 
leave the Purchase ! The attack on him now, was to have the 
existing contract annulled ; which would deprive him, it was sup- 
posed, of the residue of his salary; cripple his resources; blacken 
his character; and render his probable story of events less im- 
pressive! But Bloduplex overlooked Mr. Clarence's old crony, 
Robert Carlton, Esq, : and he saw not then and there "a chiel 
takin notes !" 

Beside, for ever to prevent any evil surmises in regard to Pro- 
fessor Clarence, our Board (and at the instance of Mr. Carlton), 
not only unanimously voted the full and entire acquittal of Clar- 
ence, but each and every one of them did personally and individ- 
ually over and above the official signatures, add his own name 
to my friend's honourable and laudatory dismissal ! Ay, and this 
man, after all that ingenuity and malice (and of practised cun- 
ning), could invent, and colour, and say of him, in a speech of 
two summer days! — and after making no defence, nor an appeal 
to passion or prejudice, was acquitted! — and, not only acquitted, 
but thanked and praised ! — and by his very Judges ! ! "What do 
you think of that, Master Ford ?" 

Harwood now stood alone : and Polyphemus having "a sorter" 
devoured one victim, took additional steps to eat the other. Sev- 
eral of our Board had, indeed, agreed with me in thinking and 
saying that "Doctor Bloduplex had behaved badly and even 
shamefully;" yet I warned Harwood that the New Board in the 
Fall, who "knew not Joseph and his brethren," would go, not ac- 
cording to justice and truth, but according to their ideas of 
interest and policy: because, too, some Trustees had told me that 



5i8 CONCLUDING SIX MONTHS 

"they feared to dismiss Bloduplex, lest his influence might injure 
Woodville! — that after such a quarrel, it would be difficult to 
obtain immediately another President — and that the College must 
not be destitute of such, Mr. Clarence, the maker of the Institu- 
tion, being gone too !" 

It was now, Bloduplex, Lord Bishop of the parish church, sum- 
moned Harwood before his little ecclesiastical star-chamber, and 
had him excommunicated, for calling his Reverence a Liar : in- 
tending said excommunication to act like an interdict on a king- 
dom, and prejudice his antagonist's cause before the New Board 
of Trustees to meet in the Fall ! At this ecclesiastical Inquisition, 
Bloduplex himself sat as chief Inquisitor! — he made the charges! 
— he excluded the defensive testimony and all pleas of mitigation 
— all entreaties to carry the whole at once to a higher court — he 
directed the officials — pronounced the sentence — inflicted the 
torture I 

As Nero to the primitive Christians, so did Bloduplex to Har- 
wood — he dressed him in a wild beast's skin, and then hissed dogs 
on him! Ay, he was cruelly hunted like a brute! And after in 
vain spending his hard earned dollars in seeking redress, he in an 
excusable moment of bitter indignation left at last that, upon the 
whole, Best of Religious Denominations ! But let that Harwood, 
if he yet live, know there is One Bold enough to raise a voice 
against the vile Injustice of the Past — one that knows — and 
says Harwood was always badly, and sometimes basely and 
wickedly used! And let him know, too, that under better aus- 
pices, and but for some mere accidents, the Immense Majority of 
the Denomination he has left would have done him justice on his 

Cruel and Unrelenting Foe! 

****** 

Reader ! here falls the curtain ! And we stand before it, not to 
announce a new Drama — but our Farewell: — We bid you adieu 
in the next and — last chapter. 



CHAPTER LXVI. 

"Nay then farewell! 
I have touch'd the hig-hest point of all my greatness : 
And from that full meridian of my glory 
I haste now to my setting : I shall fall 
Like a bright exhalation in the evening, 
And no man see me more." 

About the middle of October, a small Christian chapel was, one 
night, filled to overflowing ; and deeply impressive was the sadness 
and solemn hush of the congregation. They were listening to the 
farewell address of Charles Clarence! while the voice of the 
wind moaning in the dying woods around, came upon our hearing 
in fitful gusts like passionate gushings of lamentation for the 
fading away of their glories! Our injured and persecuted friend 
concluded thus : — 

EXTRACT 

" But I must cease, and that with no expectation that 



I shall ever more preach to you ; or you ever again listen to me. 
This is sufficiently solemn and mournful; yet other things exist 
here to deepen now my sorrows. For some years this has been 
my home — nay, why conceal it ? I had once cherished the hope it 
was to be my home for years to come ! It was in my heart to 
live and die with you ! I came to be a Western Man — but God 
forbade it. I have shared your prosperity and adversity ; and in 
your hopes and fears, your joys and griefs. We have interchanged 
visits of mutual good-will; we have worshipped in the same 
temples ; we have solaced each other in afflictions ! We have met 
at the same house of feasting, — alas! oftener at the same house 
of mourning! Yes! — my children lie together, in their little 
graves, amidst the graves of your children — that moaning wind 
is stirring now the leaves over them!— dust of mine is mingling 
with yours I * * * Can these and other ties be so unexpectedly 
sundered without pain? — without emotion? But the hour is 
come — we part ! Come, fellow citizens and Christian friends, let 
us mutually forgive one another. If I have aught against the 

519 



520 CONCLUDING SIX MONTHS 

misled I have forgiven it; if any have aught against me, I pray 
such forgive me ! Kindly do I thank many for past kindness, 
and more especially for the healing of their balm-like sympathy : 
and now^ let us say, not in indifference, much less in anger, but 
in manly, hearty good-will — Farewell !" 

In the morning his house was tenantless; — Clarence had gone 
very early away with his family — and Woodville with its pleasures 
and pains was to him as all other dreams of this life — past ! 

Soon after, the fragments of my shattered fortunes being col- 
lected, we, too, were ready to bid adieu to our home : — home ! did 
I say ? Yes ; had we not graves there ? Alas ! we had them else- 
where too ! — 

;|: * * * * * 

It was a rainy morning; but, notwithstanding, our little wagon 
and horses were at the door. All had been arranged and prepared 
for this morning, and all farewells, as we thought, had been 
spoken ; and why should rain delay those that had endured so 
many storms ? Emily Glenville was to go and share our fortunes 
— 'but Aunt Kitty — poor Aunt Kitty was to stay ; for we were 
wandering forth we knew not whither, and she in her old age 
must remain till we found a resting-place. Home we expected to 
find no more — (nor have we ever) — and we had then the desolate 
hearts of pilgrims — as now and often since ! 

Farewell! — dearest Aunt Kitty! — ah break not our hearts by 
that convulsive sobbing ! — Farewell ! * * * * — and then we were 
all in our wagon — but just as we moved, a well-known, a rough, 
yet softened voice in a tone of melancholy reproach sounded at 
our side : 

"Bust my rifle ! Mr. Carltin, you ain't a puttin off without 
bidden me and Domore good bye ! ?" 

"My honest old friends! no, never! — but I could not find you 
yesterday when we went round bidding all the citizens good 
bye " 

"Well, we was out arter deer, for, says I to Domore, Domore 
says I, lets git a leg or two for Mrs. Carltin afore they goes — 
and we've fetch'd 'em along in this here bag — if you kin find 
room for 'em in this here waggin." 



CONCLUDING SIX MONTHS 521 

"Thank you, my kind friends, with all our very hearts ! I do 
wish we could make you some return — we should be so glad to be 
remembered when we are away " 

"Bust my rifle — if I ever forgit you — and Domore wont 
nither " 

"No, indeed, Mr. Carltin — and if you chance to come our way 
like, Domore's cabin will be open as in old times " 

"Yes ! — Mr. Carltin — and me and Domore and you'll have some 
more shots with the rifle — good bye. Mr. Carltin — God bless 
you — good bye 1" 

"Good bye, my friends ! — I have no home now — but cabin or 
brick house, wherever you find us — I say to you and all other 
frank-hearted honest woodsmen, as the old General said to you — 
'you will never find the string pulled in !' " 

Here I started my horses ; and then the last we ever heard of 
Woodville was something very like: — "Poor Carltin! — God bless 
him — poor feller ! — he's most powerful sorry — and don't like to go 
back to the big-bugs!" And then through the uproar of the in- 
creasing storm came the voice of the two hunters united in a 

loud, cordial, solemn, last Farewell ! 

****** 

Many years after this, on the pinnacle of the Great Cove 
Mountain of the Alleghanies, and leaning against a tree, stood a 
solitary traveller, who, after contemplating for some minutes the 
setting sun, thus broke forth into a soliloquy : 

"Yes! O Sun! thou art unchanged! — melting away to a rest 
amid the same gorgeous clouds, piled on those distant mountains ! 
I remember thee rising in the brilliancy of that Spring morning! 
Here Clarence stood and looked towards the Elysium of that Far 
West — and she was in his thoughts! There is the rock where 
Brown, and Wilmar, and Smith rested a moment ! Sad remem- 
brances — bitter emotions! O! Sun! as glorious thou as even 
those sumptuous curtains of woven cloud around thy pavilion as 
matchless ! — / am changed — alas ! how changed ! 

"Far West! — that name has power to heave the bosom with 
sighs — but it can call up no more forever the illusions of the 
dreamy days ! I hwzv what is in thee, land of the setting Sun ! 

"A world of shadows is coming over yon vallies — darker ones 



522 ' CONCLUDING SIX MONTHS 

are on my soul! That Spring Morning! The comrades of that 
day — where ? The scenes ! — the sufferings ! — the disappoint- 
ments ! — in that far away forest land ! Graves of my dead ! — 
why need I care to weep, where there are none to mock. * * * * 

"World of Spirits! — around and near me! No dreams — no 
shadows there ! Sun, farewell ! — thy last rays are falling across 
those graves in that leaf-covered resting place! But they shall 
fall, to rise and set no more ! Home ! — I have none now : — but 
there is a home ! 

"Awake ! from this dreamy life ! True, perfect, uninterrupted 
happiness is neither in the far East, nor in the far West : — it is 
in God, in Christ, in Heaven !" 

Reader, dear reader ! the lesson in that soliloquy is for thee I 
Ponder it ; live according to it ; and thou wilt never have read 
this book in vain ! 





Date Due 




^MAR 1 2 


1943 








































































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